If you're like I was, there are times when you really begin to question yourself.
Like when you think you notice little things suddenly being different, but since you can't quite put your finger on any one thing, you second-guess yourself. You feel like he's getting distant, but it's subtle.
You know if you confront him about it, he'll deny it, or tell you that you're being needy, or controlling, or smothering, or something else just as awful sounding. But in your gut you know it's true.
It's happened. Again. He's getting distant, and to you it feels like the beginning of the end.
This is exactly what's happening right now to our beautiful friend, Vanessa.
Here's her email:
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 7 months and recently just came back from our vacation together.
On our vacation I told him how I felt about him and that I love him, I did tell him as well that I am not rushing and don't expect for him to feel the same I just want to know where his feelings towards me stand and just felt the need to let him know where my feelings are.
Since the beginning he had told me that he is the type that takes him a while for him to actually come to love that person and I respect it. He did let me know that his feelings did grow from the last time we had spoken about it and he likes me very much and cares about me.
He acted normal the next 2 days on the trip but when we got back and I went home now I feel him a little distant or maybe is just my head because I told him that I love him. We got back 3 days ago and he has been off from work, I work nights so I was only off yesterday and he was too but we didn't see each other.
I mean we still text but I feel like I have to text him and call him first. Before he will text me in the morning saying good morning and then just start a conversation what are you up to? What are you doing later? Etc. but now he is not asking.
I called him yesterday before I came to work because I hadn't heard from him since the morning and we were just talking about vacation days etc. which he seemed normal to me. I spoke to him about his birthday in April and what he would like to do and I brought up New Orleans or Vegas and how WE (I squeezed we in the conversation) can do this and that and that I will plan it.
He didn't say anything he just OK yeah cool.
I am going over to see him today but don't know if I should ask if we are OK or if I should just leave it alone and wait if he really is getting distant or if it was just me overthinking it.
Hopefully I hear from you soon.
- Vanessa
My Response:
There’s a pattern weaving throughout your email, Vanessa. It’s you going to him. It’s you telling him how you feel about him. It’s you telling him you love him.
And now it’s you feeling like you have to call him or text him first or you won’t hear from him at all.
It’s you calling him when you haven’t heard from him.
It’s you bringing up his birthday to see how he would like to celebrate it with you.
It’s you squeezing “we” into the conversation.
It’s you offering to plan everything, if he’ll only say the word.
It’s you going over to see him today.
And it’s you wondering if it’s alright to ask if the two of you are okay, or if you should just leave it alone and wait.
It’s no wonder you’re wondering if he’s getting distant or if it’s just you overthinking it. You’re filling in all the spaces, all the lulls in texting, all the places where he would show you what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking by his actions, his words his behavior.
It’s okay either way, Vanessa.
Even if right now it only feels like it's okay if it means he’s all in. But if he’s not, if you give him that space and find out he’s not, that’s okay, too.
Because you only want someone who’s feeling it for you. You only want someone who’s reaching out to you. You only want someone who’s initiating with you. You only want someone who’s calling you, texting you, making plans that include “we”, instead of leaving it all to you to “squeeze” it in as subtly as you can.
This is you chasing him.
I do understand, Vanessa. All too well. This is what we do so well. You’ve just come back from an amazing vacation with him and you don’t want it to end. You want it to keep going, to keep being the way it was.
And so you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t fill in those gaps, if you don’t fill in the distance you’re sensing with you.
I have something to tell you about men. Right after things are especially good, right after some especially close time together like a vacation together, is exactly when most men need a little space.
Don’t be afraid of it!
Give him that space. He’ll be back, unless it was too much for him. He’ll be back unless he’s not on the same page as you. He’ll be back unless he doesn’t want the same thing you do in a relationship.
But none of these scenarios are to be feared, Vanessa, because you don’t really want to be with someone who this closeness could be too much for. You don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not on the same page as you. You can never be happy in the long run with someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you do.
Let him have this time.
As scary as that might feel. Most of us only know how to overthink everything when we detect the slightest change in his behavior, but most of us don’t know how not to when we’ve staked so much on this one person, when we make it all about them choosing us instead of about us choosing them.
Do you want to always have to be the one doing the chasing? Do you want to be the one who has to text or call if you want to hear from him? Or do you want someone who reaches out to you, someone who you know will reach out to you even if you’re not the one to reach out to him first?
We set up a pattern when we do all the work, when we do all the chasing, when we’re always the ones planning everything around them. It’s a pattern that’s hard to change and leaves us always wondering, like you are, if everything’s OK.
You’ll never need to ask someone if the two of you are ok if you’re on the same page, if you’re both in the relationship for the same thing. You’ll know.
He’ll make it so clear to you by his words, his actions and his behavior that backs his words up. You’ll sense it, you’ll feel it, in the way we always know.
And if you don’t, there’s something to that, too.
Listen to your gut instincts. Take a step back long enough to detach for a moment to see what’s really there, what his behavior is really telling you and what it’s not.
You’ll find your answers there, Vanessa, whether they’re the ones you want to hear or not.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts you'd like to share with beautiful Vanessa? Share them with all of us in the comments!
Dear Vanessa,
I second Julie's opinion.
It's heartbreaking to read your comment. This man is showing you very overtly that he's not who you think he is. He's not the one. He wants spac, he doesn't text you and doesn't care about your feelings. How could he possibly be the right man for you??
I hope you get to the point of being ready to see the reality of what that is really soon.
You deserve all the love in the world.
Thank you all for all of your comments I really appreciate it a lot. I did end up going over to see him that day and asked him if we were ok and he said yes so I left it alone. A week passes and he was acting normal again but I hadn't seen him since he has been at work and I too. I had lunch with him Sunday of last week and i talked to him about what is going on and long story short he mentioned we should take a break just for a few weeks and of course I was very emotional because I mean I love this man and we have gone through a lot and to be honest I don't like breaks because I feel like nobody comes back from it and also because my grandma had just passed away that same week so I was very emotional. I asked him to clarify this break and what does he expect and if he is going to be talking to other people. He said no that he was just going to focus on school work since he has finals coming up and work and that if he goes out it is just with his brother when he goes with his family down to Dallas to visit him. I asked then what are we and he said we are still together we are just taking a break just for a few weeks and that we are still going to see each other and talk just not as often. We kissed then I left his house for the night but I left so hurt but at the same time so confused and wondering what to expect from this break. He wrote me later that night and said sorry your having a bad week. Didn't mean to hurt you. Goodnight. I responded saying I just don't want to loose you but if space is what you need I'll respect it. He said ok than I said goodnight. It has been a week now and I have been in hell all week trying to stay strong and just think positive and know that this could help our relationship out. But I have not heard from him at all this week not even one text. So I couldn't take it anymore that I message him the other day and he responded but still he is not texting me. My friends are advising me to just give it one more week than talk to him because this is not how he said it was going to be where we don't talk at all. I don't want to pressure him either and seem unpatient but I want to know where we are at. If he feels like there is no fixing and not coming back from the break then he should say something but by him not reaching out I don't know what to think. I mean his finals are tomorrow so hopefully after that being over we can talk. I just don't know what to say exactly or when to do it or if it is too soon but at the same time I need to know and I don't know if to text, call, or what. Seeing him will probably be tough to do but I just need to speak from my heart and my heart is wanting to fix things even if we take things slow.
Sweetheart. You are going to make yourself sick over this. First of all, im so sorry about your grandma. That is terrible news. Im sending you prayers your way! But as for this man -- Please don't just sit around waiting for him to text you. Take a look around, a family member passed away and you need as much support as you can get and all he cares about is his space. If this was him, and he was the one with the death in the family, you would be making yourself available for him as much as you could because that is such a lowly situation. You deserve the same from him. You will look back one day and realize what a poor choice of him not being there for you was and how it was an indication that unfortunately this relationship wasn't what you thought it was. Real love for YOU is out there, Vanessa. Go out and grab it for yourself. The more time you waste with this guy, the more time you get without the love you want and deserve.
Thank you, Julie. Your words to Vanessa are beautiful. I couldn't have said this better myself.
Jane you hit the nail right on!!! Vanessa give him some space....his action will tell you everything that you are asking. YOU are doing toooo much!!! Men loves a chase if you are giving everything to him...why do he need to chase you....huuuummm...I been there done that, but I learned the lesson that he taught me without even knowing, "if you are doing everything, there is nothing for me to do". That is when he will go HUNT for someone that needs him to do something for her!!! Lesson learned!!!
Hi, Vanessa. I too know how it feels to be on edge, not sure of what he is thinking, or if maybe you are being needy, too emotional, or if he is getting distant with you. I changed that around for myself a week ago after reading a great book that made me see things with more clarity and I have made some changes that truly work. For one I have not been one to call or text a guy and if I do it's minimal. You let him call you or text you. If he doesn't call you in a day or two don't bring it up to him, only be upset and bring it up if he said he would call and he didn't. Then, yes, mention it and let him know that you don't appreciate it that and don't be his company for a day or two. You have to forget that he exists upon leaving his presence and if you do start to think about him then change it and replace it with something you enjoy thinking about or think of doing. When you are together, yes make it the best that you can, but once you both go your own way, forget about him. Also, don't make your plans around him and never change them for him because if you do he will never respect you. If he makes plans with you ahead of time then he gets to see you, if he doesn't then he misses out on your company for that day/night. I know you think this is hard to do and it is but when you do this he will begin to think he is losing your interest in him or that you are a confident woman that does have a life outside of him. If he is out with the boys and tries to call you late that night after a night with his buddies to come over or him come over, you just tell him it would be best you just meet up another day. Don't allow him to come over or you go over to see him. Never go late at night to see him. Think of it as if you do go over, then you might as well put a sign above your car that reads "We Deliver". If you do share your emotions/feelings with him be short and make your point to be clear but don't drag it on, men don't like that. You never allow him to disrespect you and if he does, then he doesn't get to see you for a few days until he apologizes to you for doing that. If you try to tell him verbally that he is disrespecting then he more than likely won't believe you , but when you don't allow him to have your company because of it then your actions will come across to him real clear , really quickly. Whatever you do, don't spoil him with gifts and planning a party for him unless you want him thinking of you in a "motherly way". Don't ask him if he made it home safe like a "Mom", does. I had to stop myself from always buying him gifts and spoiling him. I also don't call him or text him constantly. You have to let him be the chaser always. Men love to win in this world , they will not chase what is so easy to have. You don't make plans for you and him all the time, it's ok to do it here and there but let him be in control of the planning. Now that I have made some of these changes he is calling me more now, he wants to see me everday, and he is telling me he misses me, loves me alot. You have to make time for yourself and your life or he will only feel that you are being clingy. Men like independent, confident women. So be one of those women, if I did it you can too. I hope this helps you.
Sonia
Sonia you are on point....I had to learn that lesson the hard way....but I am glad I went through the class. What is the name of the book you read?
Sonia, what is the name of the book you read?
Sonia I would love to know the name of the book u read! I got out of a 12 year relationship w my kids father who beat me constantly and abused me mentally and emotionally. I don't have much confidence in my relationships I always feel unwanted or I'm doing something wrong. It's not my looks or personality when I'm with him. I constantly get told by guys how the hell is a girl like me single anyone would want u they say. But I am single and I'm seeing someone. But I don't believe in myself I go to therapy because I was abused for over a decade and told horrible things, that I think I still subconsciously believe in a way. I need the right book to read if u can tell me the name I'd really appreciate it. Thank you
Sorry I have to check the button to see if u reply. I really would love some help
This is the first time in my life I have been single for a long time, it's been about a year and a half now and now anytime I read something like this is think REALLY!? A grown man??? Acting this way because he is afraid of emotions?? It's just so silly and ridiculous to me. There are much scarier things in life to be concerned about! I refuse to stop being single until I get to the man who has this together and understands this in the way I have come to. Why waste anytime with someone who doesn't?
Vanessa, you obviously have great qualities: a sweetness to you, patience, and understanding. He'll come back if he values those qualities and if he doesn't - then you haven't lost anything in the first place. Remember that true love is two people working as a team. If Venus Williams got up and curled herself in a ball in the corner of the tennis court and left Serena to handle the opponent herself -- they would lose. Same goes for love. You can't do it all on your own!
BRAVO!!!
I know what you are feeling. I've been in that place, it has been years and I still wonder if I should have done things differently. We were both really young - he is even younger than me. And after two years of relationship he started to be distant, colder, not taking my calls like he used to or reaching out to me... When I confronted him he said he was too young to be in such a commited relationship, that I was pushing too much, he needed to live a little, even though he loved me very much. It was horrible, he kept in touch for years, always inviting me for coffees, saying I had been a really special person in his life and he wanted to remain friends. I loved him, how could I be just friends? I resisted and finally I was able to move on. Recently, after 5 years apart I decided to accept one of his invitations, after all I was just fine... It all came back to me, I still like him and he treated me so well. I then sent him a few messages to show I was interested in something more than just friends and he politely replied that he really just wanted to be friends. I can't help to think that if I had been more "relaxed" years ago I might still be with him. I was indeed too young to think about getting married, I think that I could have just enjoyed been with someone I loved, without anxiety for the future. I haven't met anyone better than him in the mean time and now he's moved on. He's at that time in his life that he's ready to settle down, but he's with someone else. And I can't help wondering if I could have done something differently. And if I have done he would be settling down with me.
How I hear you, Ana. Thank you for sharing, for understanding what Vanessa's going through. It's so easy to look back and see what could have been and feel like you've missed out on something beautiful. Don't do that to yourself. If it could have different, it would have been. If it was simply about you being content to go with the flow and not look ahead or want something more, you might have made him more comfortable but what about you? Love could never be so cruel to keep two people apart who could have been something amazing in a different time and place. There would have been that place! I have a feeling that once you accept this, Ana, once you accept yourself and that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, you'll become open to seeing someone else in a whole new way, and you'll find a love that surpasses all your expectations of what could have been with him.
Really sweet Jane, thank you.
🙂
Vanessa, I did the opposite. I revealed my feelings for my guy and said the same as you. He was a little giddy about it and then he ended the conversation. I let it go to let the news I gave him settle in with him. I was nervous to see how it would play out. It turns out he invited to spend a weekend at his place. First time for us to spend more than 24 hours together. Wow... I was thinking "maybe he does think of me as his girlfriend"... we had a great 3 days together and since I know him so well, if he wasn't having a good time I know he would have found a way to say "time to go"... He didn't.
So, my suggestion for you is to stop contacting him. I know you are nervous about what he is thinking but let the dust settle. Stop contacting / initiating and let him come to you. When we reveal how we feel about our guy, they get a little nervous because they feel the "ring" discussion coming up.
I do have to say that if he takes his time with relationships.. I am sorry Vanessa, he's not invested in the relationship like you are. Not saying that you lost this. Just saying that you need to bring yourself back to the beginning. Stop contacting him and treat it like you just met him so that he can pursue you again. This will tell you if he is interested.
Now, I am not sure how long ago this occurred so things might have changed.
It's how we find out, Virgo Ellie. Thank you for sharing your insight and adding to the conversation.
Oh Vanessa. All I get from this letter is a woman walking on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat even though he hasn't done or said anything "wrong" or given you overt reasons.
There's a reason why you feel this way and the reason is: you're auditioning to be chosen, you're not confident in who you are and what you have to offer.
There's always something underneath it. It's us being insecure about us..... And deep down we just know he's not right for us.
Exactly, Angel. Always something underneath it. Thank you for adding to the conversation.
EXACTLY!!!!
They are either in it 100% or ZERO. No, its not in your head.
So true, Jackie. Thank you.
I just heard a message from a Motivational Speaking on January 1, 2016. His statement was in 2016 BE ALL IN OR ALL OUT!!! Pay Attention Ladies!!! Bravo Jackie
It is simple when you let them do all the calling, texting, planning then you always know where you stand. Men will do what they want to do you can't force anything. And never get sucked into being a therapist - if they are bending your ear about another woman then they are not over her.