How could he do this to me?
How could he do this to us?
These are the words that escape your lips. So much hurt. So much pain. So many unanswered questions.
You want to know why.
You’ve tried to ask him. You’ve tried to put your quest for answers into words that he could respond to. But he keeps saying the same thing that doesn’t make any sense to you – or he doesn’t say anything at all.
The silence is deafening.
You’re not ready to give up. You’re not ready to walk away, no matter how much his words – his actions – make it clear that you should.
But since when have you done what you should?!!
You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t do anything except think about him. And what you should have, could have, would have done differently if only you’d known what that thing was you were supposed to do!
If you know why, you can fix it. If you can understand the reason, you have a chance at undoing what’s been done. If you can finally figure out what’s underneath, there’s hope.
And if there’s one thing you live for, it’s hope.
It’s what sets you apart from all the rest. It’s why he can honestly say he’s never been with anyone else quite like you. It’s why he stayed as long as he did. It’s why he tried to stay as long as he could. It’s why none of the answers you hear resonate with you.
You know, even if no one else does. You do.
I’ve been studying men like this for over 20 years. First because of a very personal interest in finding out why, and then professionally when I discovered I wasn’t the only one who wanted - no, needed - to know.
Men of all ages, all descriptions, all walks of life, from all over the globe. And in all my wonderings and wanderings to find the answers, one thing began to clearly stand out above the rest … he needs you to stop asking him why.
He can’t tell you, Beautiful. Really, he can’t. He doesn’t even know himself.
You’ve got to figure this one out for yourself if you want to have a chance at turning things around. Your answers aren’t going to come from him.
He doesn’t know because he’s not the one motivated to find out. And he’s not motivated to find out because he’s never been told that he needs to.
He’s not wired to communicate like you are. He’s not programmed to do all the overthinking and soul-searching that you do.
In fact, he’s been told the opposite his entire life.
All he has to do is be strong, stand up tall, be a man, and all the other macho boys’ club messages he’s been fed.
He doesn’t know what to do when you want to talk, when you cry, when you start telling him about your feelings.
All he’s been programmed to do is to run.
That’s why he doesn’t know, and why he’s not motivated to know.
And that’s why you’re here.
You see what it could be. You know what it has the potential to be. And with everything you’ve got, you’re going to see this one through, even if you’re the only one willing to do the work. This - THIS! – is what we do so well!
Because he’s worth it to you.
You don’t have to explain it to me. I’ve been on the other side of this story for more times than I can even remember. It’s the painful truth that until we’re done, we’re never anything but done.
Feel the power of recognizing your own. The kind that doesn’t just accept, but digs deeper to find your own truth so you can understand, and then know what you need to do for you.
Maybe you’ll walk away. But maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll stay. But on your own terms this time.
Your options become limitless when you understand the whole story behind the story.
Yes, he’s going to do what he needs to do for him – even if he doesn’t know why. And yes, you’re going to do what you need to do for you – because you know why!
I have a guy that I met over a year ago. We were FWBs for 3 months and he ghosted me. I never thought he would come back but he did in December. I was so happy he came back and he was very different. He was more open, more loving, very affectionate and told me several times how happy he was to be with me and thanked me for letting him hang with me. I asked about a relationship and he became very cold and said no, he did not have feelings and “lets not go down this road again”. So we remained friends and lovers several more months. During these months, he was more and more open, would buy cereal that he knew I liked, would kiss my face, my forehead, hug me tightly for minutes at a time, so I thought he had changed his mind. But when I asked about it, he ghosted me again. He told me that he would be back but he was leaving for now. I told him to not come back. Now I’m not sure if he will come back or not. Would this type of guy really want a relationship or is he just playing me? Except for this, he is completely a man of his word and he was upfront about not wanting a relationship. I don't know what to do. He was so great to be with and he was even agreeing to go places with me that I wanted to see.
This is what happened to me!! 8 months in and I was heart broken.
Same scenario!! Communication sucked and he was very selfish.
I'm sorry this happened to you!
I shortly dated a man who checked so many of my boxes. He was smart, kind and hardworking. He was also recently divorced. Having been divorced myself two years earlier, the recent divorce was a concern of mine, but he claimed he was ready to move forward and had healed. Dating this man was one of the most difficult dating experiences of my dating life. I simply could not read him. The information he shared about his past, including his marriage, was extremely limited. While the time we would spend together was amazing, he would spend the days after pulling away from me. I would then initiate contact, we would see each other again, we'd have an amazing time, he'd pull away, repeat. He would never call me. He initiated text communications rarely. He would usually reply, but he was always the one to kill off the text communications. After a mere month, I was completely exhausted and finally addressed it. We spoke in person and I told him the things I was looking for when dating someone - initiation, interest, communication, openness. He promised me he would do better. 12 hours later he ended it, claiming he could not give me the attention and communication I wanted and deserved due to his job/schedule and divorce. While I knew in the long run it was a blessing, I spent days hoping he'd change his mind. I recognized the red flags had been there since the very beginning but because I liked him so much, I had ignored them. All I can say is what an exhausting and anxiety inducing dating experience it is dating an EUM. I am slowly recovering.
Sorry that was supposed to read a very emotionally closed off man.
Hi. I have been dating a very emotional man. He doesn't want to talk about personal problems and feelings. I finally just told him I can't be as uncaring and closed off. He has text me that he could be a bit more available to me. Oh I seriously wanted to tell him not to bother, but instead Im just not answering his messages and giving him time to think. Do you think that is a good idea?
I was "ghosted" (he disappear on me) two months ago by a guy i was exclusive with for almost 7 months...i now know he was emotionally unavailable.he spoke to me on the phone in the morning,and in the evening he ignored my calls...i sent him a message asking if everything was ok,he didnt reply...the next day i sent another text basically telling him that if he didnt want to continue a relationship with me,he could have just said as much.then i just stopped contact.a week later,he sent me a text,saying how he was sorry,he didnt mean to hurt me.over the last two months,hes been texting and calling,up until two weeks ago,when i got a handful of texts,since then nothing...i'm so confused and hurt and it feels like being ghosted all over again.
The photograph you selected for this post cracks me up. Looks just like me in all of my long term relationships - wondering what language I have to use to get through to him - maybe sign language!
Favorite quote - "He doesn’t know because he’s not the one motivated to find out." Bingo.
🙂
I was dating someone who was never the best communicator, but I could always tell he was trying. He was going through a divorce, so I knew I was technically the rebound but he never treated me that way. After about a year (with the divorce close to being final or so he said), he drastically pulled away. I asked him if he needed a break or wanted to end things and he said no. In his last text to me, he told me he was sorry for being distant and that he cared about me a lot. Said he'd be in touch soon. Lie. After I hadn't heard from him in a month I sent him a text to check in. He was kind of formal, didn't even apologize for disappearing but said he wanted to catch up soon. And now another month has gone by since that second lie. We live in different cities, so I feel like he's taking the easy way out because there's not much chance of us running into each other. But I'm so hurt and confused. I realize it was never a committed relationship, but neither of us was seeing anyone else and we became close. I came to consider him a friend and confidant. I never doubted his feelings for me, but now that he's disappeared it's all doubt. I never thought he was using me for sex because we didn't get to see each other that often. But it seems like he must have been using me for something because how do you just turn your back on someone if they mean anything to you? How could he keep pretending everything was fine and telling me he cared if he was just going to bail? Why not even a simple text to say it was over? I don't even deserve that in his eyes?? I never really pushed him on the issue in my last text because he told me he'd been having a hard time dealing with his kids around the holidays and I thought I should tread lightly. So I can't stop wondering if I should try reaching out one more time to let him know that ghosting isn't ok. But then I think he must know that, right? Backing him into a corner probably wouldn't help. And I don't want to force an apology out of him. I only want it if he means it. But I'm having a hard time getting over feeling like I never meant anything to him and the whole thing was a lie. And even though I'm really angry and hurt, I still miss him. I just feel stuck.
Ghosted Gal, did he disappear during December and you haven't really heard from him since then? If so, just give it some time. Do not contact him. I know it is hard. Give him some time to deal with how his kids were reacting and making him feel about the change in his life. Yes, it is hard to let him take the easy road with this. I can only suggest letting it go, spend some time with yourself and see what happens. I think he will contact you but not sure when. I give myself 5 days to not contact, think and / or wonder about a guy I am losing contact with. Then I give myself 5 more days. If I do breakdown I usually send a txt on a superficial level like "I can't believe the Bronco's are in the SB again" since I know he grew up in that area. Something along those lines. I treat the guy like a friend as he said he is one. So, I stay in touch on a friends level to see if can be friends.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.
Virgo Ellie - Yes, he told me right after Thanksgiving that he was feeling depressed but that he wanted to call me in a few days. Then he just disappeared through December. I contacted him near the end of the month and he answered me but his reply select oddly formal. No explanation for why he'd been out of touch, and even said he was doing ok. He claimed again that he would be calling me soon to catch up, probably after the new year and here we are at the end of January and I still haven't heard from him. I'd feel foolish just sending him a generic "friendly" text. It just seems like he wants nothing to do with me and couldn't even be bothered to tell me the truth. Over the past year, there was never more than 6-7 days (and to go that long was very rare) that went by without us talking to each other, and now he's just walked away.
Ghosted Gal, when men get depressed they put a huge self protective vest on. They don't want any emotional hits. I know you know this but they also are unable to multitask emotional situations. So, he needs to fully direct his emotions to his children. He needs for you to understand that. But, Yes, he should have gotten together with you in person to explain to you how he was feeling, what he was planning on doing and said "please give me time"... but unfortunately some men can't do that. I honestly think he will contact you but it may not happen on your schedule. We ladies need constant reassurance that "he" will acknowledge us. If a friendly text isn't comfortable for you then I understand. I think he is looking for reassurance that he is doing ok in the eyes of others = you? So, a nice text sharing something that happened during your day that might bring a smile to his face might cheer him up beyond what you think. I also think that it can't hurt. I just think that as long as you don't question him you should be ok. This is just my opinion.
xx!
Dear ghosted gal,
I know how sad you feel but don't make this about what you deserve or don't deserve from him. No person in the world deserves your giving them your personal power.
What I interpret from your situation is he just needed emotional support, someone there and you happened to be that someone. He wasn't emotionally available to you or anyone since he's going through a divorce. Usually, men who haven't been divorced at least for over 3 years and haven't had the transitional girlfriend are not safe bets for a relationship. It's not a one-size fits-all concept, but it applies majority of the times.
As to why he didn't even have the decency to tell you upfront that whatever you had was over, that's just him showing who he is and his character. A man of integrity wouldn't bail like that.
Now, if there's something you can do to understand this is go back to when you first met and see things objectively. What did he do and then what did you do. What did you choose to ignore?
I read there was no relationship so technically you assumed you were together, but you were never clear with yourself of him. It happens to many of us, it's happened to me several times.
I'm not saying this for you to feel sadder than you already do, but to help you see things more clearly and understand what happened. When you see things clearly, you can start making wiser decisions as to who you allow in. That's what it's about: you and you choosing only men who are worthy of your beautiful heart.
Personally, I would advise against reaching out to him. Of course it's your decision, it's respectable, but I think it would just put you on the begging end. Don't do that. Do loving things for yourself.
If this man ever shows up again and you run back to him, you can count on him hurting you much more later. So it's better to detach now and for good.
You have all the information you need: he doesn't love you. If he did, he would have never put up a wall between you. Not even a friend does that.
He may have tons of problems at the moment, but they are for him to sort out, not for you. Your only job in life is to decide what's best for you and live the life you're proud of living.
Let him be and start focusing on you. You deserve your love, your time, your efforts. That's when you know what real love is and what you need.
I hope this helps somehow.
Thanks. I know what you're saying is right. It's just been really difficult to let go. It's hard enough to get over losing someone who meant a lot, let alone having to deal with the realization that he was just using me. If I could at least just appreciate the good times we had, that might be some comfort but the memories are all tainted now knowing that none of it really meant anything to him.
I know. I understand that feeling well. Allow yourself to grieve. You're letting go of your dream, a fantasy that you created and projected onto him and that's what hurts this much. It's painful to be in that process. Journal a lot, it helps, let it all out on paper, cry all you need to and whenever you feel guilty or shame, listen but don't believe these thoughts.
Just be with you and spend time with people who love you. Little by little start doing things that make you feel good and I promise you'll come out of this. Next thing you know, you'll see things objectively and won't feel this bad anymore.
For now just breathe and be with you.
Dear Ghosted Gal, I agree with Angel. Let yourself grieve. You just lost someone. Although not a real death but is the loss of someone. I always find during these times of "loss" I dig within myself to find out why I am so sad?
Why is he so important to me that makes me feel this way?
No one should have that much power over my emotions?
How can I turn my feelings around to appreciate him for what he offered to me during the time he spent with him.
Try and turn it around to something that was very positive for you and I think you will begin to feel empowered.
Ghosted Gal, I can SO relate to what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation, except my relationship was very serious. I’m trying right now to let go of an emotionally unavailable man that I love. My situation is complicated, because I’m married – but not to the man I love. I was ready to leave my husband for my lover, and thank goodness I didn’t throw away everything I have for someone who is emotionally retarded. It’s incredibly painful, because for 18 months he led me to believe we had a future together, and we have a past history too. We met and fell in love when we were 16, had a long-distance relationship for three years, went our separate ways…fast forward 35 years (we’re both 53 now), reconnected, fell in love again. And I don’t have time, energy, or patience for these immature mind games. After 18 months of professing his love and commitment, he “ghosted” me – completely ignored me, no contact, etc. with NO explanation. Yep, the coward’s way out. He even unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me from Messenger, which was especially cruel. I have been in agony since January 1st, trying to figure out WHY, and what exact steps I can take to let go, so that I can emotionally re-commit to my marriage. I have found the suggestions here really helpful in remembering how he really behaved and kept me in a state of doubting my own worth, wondering if I should/n’t bring up something that was bothering me, etc. He has many issues with commitment, empathy, fear of failure, control, emotional suppression, etc. (all of these are manifestations of his being adopted). A grown man should know the difference between right and wrong, and should know why something hurtful he’s done harms the relationship. Of course, it’s so difficult to let go of the dream of “our second chance”, for all of the reasons we get blinded by these powerful emotional pulls: sexual chemistry, being “in sync” with “the one”, and I did see him be so amazing, thoughtful, and insightful – occasionally. I started to see that was indeed sporadic, and I couldn’t count on him to be any of those things consistently. But I still made excuses and allowed him to treat me in a very inconsiderate, juvenile, non-supportive and hurtful way, because I was in love with his potential, the man he ALMOST is. I’m still so very sad about the demise of this dream I had with someone I truly love. He is incapable of allowing that gift into his life.
Since he couldn't be man enough to end it with dignity, I have been taking steps to give myself the closure that he wouldn't - I wrote everything I've been feeling in a blistering six-page letter, to make him accountable (as much as he's capable of realizing he hurt me deeply). It really helped me to get it all on paper and out of my head, and I know most relationship experts say to not send that letter, but I did send it. I knew that for me, I needed that closure. I didn't want to let him get away with not facing what he did to me. So for me, that was the right choice. I also put all of my photos of him/us on a CD and deleted them from my phone and computer - although not sure I would have done that if I weren't married, because from a practical standpoint, I don't want my husband to ever see them. I gathered up all the letters (the ones I still have from 35+ years ago), mementos, etc, and put them in a box with the CD, and will seal it up and put it in the garage.
I'm procrastinating deleting our Facebook Messenger conversation history, which are thousands of text messages spanning the last 18 months. I know I need to do that for complete closure, but it's hard because everything else was archived - and once I click "delete", those are gone forever.
One more thing - I found a blog/website that I found incredibly helpful and supportive, postmalesyndrome.com. There are many articles on Emotionally Unavailable Men and how to break free of their power over us. I hope this can help you navigate the pain and agony of trying to let go of someone who is incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.
(sigh) I am so sorry Lisa. 18 months is such a long time and for him to just walk away without a discussion, reason or a good-bye is so wrong. I am sorry.
I do agree with you on writing that letter and sending it to him. Good for you! I did the same thing with a guy that was in my life for over 3 years. We went to HS together. I didn't know him in HS but it made things easier knowing him, his friends and we lived in the same town. I knew him well enough. Although this guy didn't walk away without any notification, I walked away because I had enough. But I was so upset. Why? Probably because he just couldn't let himself go and enjoy a relationship. He had to play games, treat me like a punching bag because of his ex and he just couldn't let her go. So, I sent emails upon emails. I don't care how obsessive it was, it was my release of what I had in my head virtually going to him. Did he read them... I have no flippin' clue. I don't care. I said them. I spoke to the Universe. Then I got over it, picked myself up and met another guy shortly after. (I was convinced I could not find someone else). Nothing moved forward with this guy but it made me realize that there are other men out there. Then 2 months later another one. SO, me releasing my pain kind of opened the door for me to meet others. So, good for you and hopefully things will get better with your marriage. You are lucky he didn't find out. Or maybe he knows and is okay with it.
Hang in there. Hopefully you will find out "why" soon.
Virgo Ellie, thank you so much for responding to my post. It helps to know that someone else sent that letter too. Like you, I have no idea if he read it, but at least I know that I did what I could to make him know that what he did was horrible. I actually printed it and sent it snail mail, with no return address. I figured that way, he couldn't just delete an e-mail or scribble "return to sender" on the envelope. I'm pretty sure his curiosity got the better of him and he did read it - but who knows? It really was for ME.
This man was also not over his (third) divorce, he talked about his ex a lot (always prefacing it with "I don't want to talk about my ex, but..." Uh-huh. There was a red flag early on, when he had absolutely no clue as to why his wife of 15 years just "didn't want to be married anymore". My brain told me that this was an incredible lack of insight, but of course my heart told that pesky brain to shut up.
Another thing I'm doing is to make a Crime Sheet, listing all of the insensitive things that he did and how they made me feel. I keep adding things and re-reading the list, to remind myself of how he actually was - and how this behavior was NOT changing as our relationship evolved. I printed a quote from another blog: "Thoughtless, emotionally unavailable jerks do not just combust into amazing people that suddenly take responsibility for their actions and are capable of genuine emotional connections and mutually loving, caring, honest, loyal relationships and empathy. HE DIDN'T CHANGE, HE UNFOLDED.
I know that I really can't re-connect with my husband until I delete all of those messages. He's working out of state, and will be back in a week, so I will do it before he returns. I really hope that is the last door I have to close to move on and try to be "happy enough" with my husband.
I know this guy. Balance has to come from other things. You need an entire calendar of events. A social network that has nothing to do with couples. He loves, but not like you do.
Hi Jane,
From a male point, I think part of the role we are ascribed is to prove ourselves, by ourselves, without help from others. I don't like that because without our being aware of it, that limits our interactions with others. Independence in males is prized. Contrary to that, I wish interaction skills, communication skills and self-awareness were even more prized.
On another issue, I think many marriages, including mine, begin with ideals, aims and wishes in harmony, though not identical. After 26 years, 2 glorious sons and having lived in many places, Mary and I grew apart. We still are good friends, even though we live in different states of Australia. We both allowed ourselves to develop in our own ways. Nevertheless, is it natural/normal for healthy relationships to come to an end or to grow even closer. I'm guessing one answer is, it depends upon the individuals involved and their circumstances. What do you think?
Kind regards,
Tom.
Exactly, Tom. Thanks for sharing. It absolutely depends on the uniqueness of the individuals involved and their issues. It isn't natural or unnatural for healthy relationships to come to and end or to grow closer; instead, it's up to the choices of each person involved who chooses what that relationship is worth to them to keep feeding it or not, whether they realize it's a choice or not. There will always be opportunities for growth within a relationship, but if both parties aren't willing to grow together, it takes more than one person to keep it together.
Thank you so much for this post, resonates with me. I was with a EUM for 3 years(we have a child together), felt like i was giving and he was just taking-no reciprocating. He was incapable of expressing his feelings, needs or fears to me. Everytime an issue arose in our relationship and i expressed it to him, he would switch off or become the victim. I never felt loved most of the time but stayed with him hoping it was just a phase i his life that would go. After a connfrontation, he'd ignore me for weeks (no sex as well) and give me the silent treatment, go out till late etc. I evenually threw him out of the house 2 weeks ago after he went out with his friends after i'd asked him to stay home (our son was sick). Iam so relieved he is out though i still wander if i made the right decision for our family. I feel happier though.
Feel that relief and feeling happier, Loyce. That tells you everything you need to know.
I met Dan on Friday November 13th 2015 we hit it off it went fast. I wasn't sure what pace to go so I figured his pace was the one to go with. 3 days after our first date he told me he loves me. 3 days later he had to say it over the phone things were going quite well until xmas holidays he broke up with me before he went back home to visit family. He is in the military. Prior to joining the military he lived a life of solitude in the comforts of his parents basement playing video games. He was also heavy set. He had a low self esteem. I know hes a quality guy and has to come to terms that he deserves a sweet girl like me. This rubber banding is quite taxing but I have to set my feelings aside to let him figure it out on his own.
Go with the pace that allows you to really get to know someone before getting emotionally, mentally, or physically involved with him, Cristina. You can't count on a man to slow it down, you have to do it for both of you. If he's in it for the same reasons you are, he'll go your pace. Only then will you have a chance to observe who he really is and whether he consistently delivers on what he presents himself to be. There's never any rush with someone who's truly right for you!
That such a great article .. It's so hard to understand why men do what they do to us and get way with.. Why does it always have to be about them..I've been seeing this man for 3 yrs .. No title.. Such an odd man but the chemistry is so stong and I have never felt this way .. I'm guessing it's the challenge.. Because he won't let me have him.. Really stinks.. I try to date others but I can't seem to find that feeling he gives me.. Ugg he so difficult..help!!!
But its not what they do to us. It's how we respond to them. If you have such great chemistry with him.. Please enjoy it. If you are expecting something then you have to figure out what that is since he is making you feel physically great!!
Most of the time our attractions are generated from upbringing. For example, I grew up in a house where everyone was EU. So the men I find attractive are EUM. It drives me physically nuts! Is it good for me.. Yes because that is all I know. Does it make me question my worth at times.. Yes it does .. For about an hour. Then I'm over it and appreciating it.
What do you need from him?
Does he talk to you about everyday life things like sports, politics etc?
Glad you enjoyed it, Paula. Just remember that a feeling will only take you so far but reality is what will be there the rest of the way.
Get happy and detach from the need to "fix" him or "fix" the situation. Put your happiness back on you and your passions. Include him in your happiness but don't make him the reason for it. Eventually the answer to stay or go will come when you are feeling happy and optimistic about your own life - apart from the temporary condition of him and his issues.
Exactly, Jill. I couldn't have said that any better myself!
Thank goodness I found this blog ...
Thank you, Abi! Me, too. 🙂
Yes this has been the most heart aching relationship I've ever been in. It' like I always had to ask the questions and he still wouldn't open up until I ran across his opened Facebook page and read his over 35 lady messeges then I was crushed at what he said to them that he wouldn't say to me very rarely. He is of hisspanish decent and I'm africian American . He is 59yrs old and I am 57 yrs young.we lived together for 3yrs in my home. It's cold here and snowing .the past 3 winters have been coming to me in the same pattern for myself, get laid off work,car breaks down. And he doesn't have a job. I felt so over whelmed and on to of that I'm not liking the winters here the older I get. He would never ask me if I needed anything.i always had to let him know .he knew it but would n't ask . Why I think I know but won't say. But he would do whatever I asked except it was the same routine in the bedroom. But I did see a good side and an non emotional side. Really I just needed a break like a few days to get over my shock of reading his facebook. Yes I did because he left it open. Everything seemed like it was crashing down on me and I felt like I could do bad by myself. Oh it's a long story. He still won't contact me or text me .its been 3weeks now and I'm still sad and really hurting. I wonder if he is hurting for me . He still hasn't moved his thing out of the house.he has left his title to his truck which he accomplished being here with me. He has left his guitar and piano, all his clothes and shoes everything and that's what has me wondering will he be back? Oh and even his birth certificate. In my mind I'm thinking he wants to catch me with a man over here so that will put the icing on the cake for him but I just can't do that right now because if he is not going to date me and let's try to forgive and try to make it work that's what I hope he wants . I feel like the door hasn't closed on this relationship and I'm trying to let time close it.i do feel stuck but and he might feel like I put him out again and is being very stubborn about it.and that's not fair to me either. So I just don't know. All I know is I deserve to be treated better than he is putting out now.
You do deserve better, Tammy. But you have to be the one to believe it, too. I hear this so often - they leave their things with you so they still have one foot in the door and so they don't have to deal with a confrontation. If we remember they're little boys inside, too, we can understand their behavior better. And we're not here to save them.
I have been with my partner for 3 years and now he is saying he doesn't know what he wants. He says he loves me but doesn't know what makes him happy. We used to talk about our future and now out of nowhere it is like he has no plans for the future. But he never opens up and tells me why and why he feels this way and even what he wants or what would make him happy. It's like a guessing game which I have to puzzle out myself. Sometimes it is hard work to figure what to do. To stay to go. But I love him so much leaving is not an option for me.
You can stay as long as you can do the following:
1. Understand that he's the only one who knows what he wants and what makes him happy. That's his business and his responsibility. No one else's.
2. Understand that we all have times in life when we have to reassess our lives and we are confused. Sometimes we don't say anything about what brings us happiness because quite frankly we don't know.
3. Be ok with him going through whatever it is he's going through eventually, not taking in what's not yours.
4. Remember at all times that you are your own person and your life and happiness matter, too and leaving those unattended to fix someone else is the worst thing you can do for the both of you.
When you need more than to be loved the way he loves you, your answers will become that much more clear, Sam. We wake up slowly when we revolve our lives around his love.
Ladies I am sure you all have of that one guy in your life. You know the one whom you love dearly and are best friends with and know in your mind how it is but cannot let go of the hope in your heart that maybe just one day . . .How do you let go of or disconnect that emotional/romantic feeling when you know your best friend loves you but not that way and still keep him in your life.
We are responsible for our own happiness each and every one of us. We are all created from pure positive energy, unconditional love. We need to accept and love ourselves unconditionally first and foremost in order to love and except others unconditionally. It is only when we look outside of ourselves in others or things for our happiness that we loose connection of who we are individually. If we allow anyone else to control us or depend on us for their happiness and allow them to hold us responsible for it, we loose connection with who we are as well as our happiness. If we take responsibility for our own happiness then and only then can we be happy. That is what I believe and have learned from my experiences in life. <3
I know this seems like the obvious question... But what do I do to help him? I am in this exact situation. I want to stay until he figures it out.He is worth it. But is there anything I can do?
I know that i am sexy and completely adoreable. I have decided that i am going to be come emotionally unavailable too, however we share a loving child together, but he's interest has limits. I am focused on making the best for my children seeing them happy makes me happy. I am not willing to start dating yet so i live everyday by the moment. I dont text, i dont whatapp, i dont ask, i dont call him any more i use to do all that told him how much i loved him and in return i was hurt. So i leave everything up to him, he he talks i talk if he doesnt i dont even if it hurts me i know i am worth more and he needs to appreciate me for who i am.
And you are, Julie! Don't let what someone isn't capable of seeing in you determine your worth. Leaving everything up to him doesn't serve you well either. Instead, be true to yourself. Choose what you do, what you say, and make it your own choice even if it's not what you'd like to see. There's such a difference between feeling out of control and helpless versus choosing how you're going to be with someone. Let it come from you, not from him, from your own place of power within you. We can't make someone love us or appreciate who we are are, but we can know without a doubt that we are lovable and worth everything!
i've know this guy for 5 years
last year we talked on FB with each other and we talked sports after 7 months reuniting and in dec he posted about politics and i keep away from politics n he used to read my msgs n reply n the longest is 1h and shortest 5m in convos
in Dec 2015 he posted politics like trump & muslims n he said oh boy do i hate islam? i said in the comments i was anti muslim n we talked on Xmas day n on convos he hasn't talked political stuff. on NYD he started convo n i feel it happens rarely & he doesn't know used to have an ex who used to talk political to me all the time n i ended it coz of it.
last month i invited him to my Xmas party n said he would let me know in that week but he never did and never turned up on the day so i invited him to my pool party on 29/12/15 and hasn't replied on the event, i asked him in describing it n he says "don't know, i work a lot" i plan to ask him again tomorrow so i know where i stand.
in the nowadays during the last 2 weeks posting politics n he's been ignoring me & ignoring me by replying to his friends comment on his political post from youtube and his comment was 1 page of a book.
last week he changed his profile pic n i commented on it n he replied which surprised me & i liked his comment n replied back to it. he posted something to do with doctor surgery n xray results n my comment was thanks for the tip n 2 others commented n he deleted all the others comments except mine.
i tend to think what happened to the 1 who made me happy and surprised and non political? i think he maybe a potential BF n i dream him being a BF to me. what can i do if he ignores me?
You deserve someone who doesn't ignore you, Courtney. What you can do is shift your focus to you, focus on the people in your life who love you for exactly who you are. If he says he "doesn't know, I work a lot", he's telling you where he stands. You always stand beautifully strong in your own power, Courtney! Don't let someone else determine where you stand!
Wow, that totally resonated! So interesting because it was such a general post without details but made so much sense. I am still asking all those questions and wondering how I can get the guy back after he left.... It's not simple!!
So glad this made so much sense to you, Devorah. It's never simple when we want it to be something else! But when we accept what it actually is instead of what we want it to be, we allow ourselves to see in a whole new way what we couldn't see before.
Thank you < I have just found this for myself lately..
I am wanting something and have been chasing it for several years to only be on a roller coaster from Hell. we lived together for 5 years and then he began to push me away ,all in the name of "I was scared that you were going to leave so i pushed you away.. Makes sense Huh... NOT,, then he wants to be FWB .Your my best friend ,, i cant picture my life without you Bull crap.. the only time he really pursued the idea of being more was when i would start to Date someone else.. then he would become needy and more attentive.. Until i stopped dating the man, then we would start all over again.. No matter he was dating women and lying about it telling me they were "Just Friends"
After several years . I told him i couldn't take the limbo anymore.. we either had to Crap or get off the Pot so to speak... we made a commitment and within a week he was making plans to travel to Florida for the Holidays .. 2 weeks turned to 3 then to 4..
I found that he was making plans to meet an old school friend that he had a Charge for the year before while he was in florida.. Of course I hit the roof and he deleted her from his FB page and, I thought, sincerely apologized . still trying to assure me that they were just friends.. well of course they were.. so far. but i felt still it was a betrayal as he was very attracted to her.
long story short 4 days after getting to Florida he readded her to his Friends list and i came unglued again. he lied to me and told me that she had sent him the friend request along with all the other exes he added on at the time also.. 4 of them.. WOW .. well I proved that to be a lie and that ultimately led me to break up with him..
Now he wants to Date with "no strings" to try to ultimately get back to a committed relationship.. GET BACK TOO??? Ha! as far as i see he wan never in one...
I told him unless he was willing to Date only me and me only and not even make so much as a coffee Date with one of his women " friends" that I could not do it.
He does have a very close life time friend that i do not have a problem with him seeing or going out to dinner with when he is in her town or her to come down to visit,, i usually let them have their alone time in fact.
any way .. I have not heard back from him.. as i sent e'mail as seems to be about the only way he wants to communicate.. "I am not good on the phone" etc etc..
I feel empowered and more at peace than I have in years..
i am so glad to have found other women in similar situations that have given me strength and hope..
Thank YOU
Rant Over.. LOL
Interesting topic. I have been digging for a better understanding of EUM. I met a great guy in July, he liked me from the start, is a police officer, and started walking away after I put a little pressure on him. So, I ended up initiating contact. But just txt messages, staying in touch. Long story short... he thought I was chasing him. I did ask him to lunch once that he said "sure" and then cancelled. I wasn't feeling up to it either and I was leaving town so I took it that he was not into me. I let him go. He reached out to me 2 weeks later with just a short "how is going with your Mom".. that was sent to me on my birthday. I am pretty sure he knew it was my birthday since he is a PO. I can guarantee that he did some research on me. Anyway.. I got back home from my trip and I reached out to him, just as friends. When I asked him directly "do you think I am chasing you" and he said "Yes"... I let him go for about 40 days. Christmas showed up and I sent him a Merry Christmas. He didn't know who it was from.... Ouch. So, it turns out that since I hadn't sent him my regular friendly txt's that he thought I had given up on him. He said "just thought you wanted more"... I am still in touch with him. Why? Because: (1) he's friendly (2) I know he doesn't want me (3) it is fun getting a response from someone you respect. He also has good information for me being in the police world. I am looking into so many aspects of an industry and I ask his opinion to help me dig for my answers.
Why am I posting here?... I am honestly trying to become friends with him. We never slept together and he is not interested in me (as far as I know). So, I want to build a friendship. Is it possible that he is uncomfortable with meeting me half way on this when I told him that friends are in touch once in a while and that works for me? He didn't respond. But I just don't understand why men and women cannot be friends. I'm thinking he's an EUM. I am not the type to give up on anyone that easily. When I meet someone new and I have them in my friends list immediately. Even the men I was intimately involved with or interested in, I try to be friends with them but those are strained. I was sexually involved with one and the other close but it didn't happen. One won't even talk to me because he is embarrassed and the other, I have no idea. So, I just respond nicely. I know his family.
So, am I being ridiculous in trying to work on building a friendship with a guy who I met on a dating site that seems to not be interested in me?
You're not being ridiculous, Virgo Ellie, but you would serve yourself far better by recognizing that this is your need - to still be friends or build new friendships - and not theirs if that's what their responses show you. The problem is that it's too easy to take their responses personally and feel rejected when they don't want to salvage a friendship or keep it going - and that affects your self-worth and your self-confidence. Different pages, that's all. Yes, let them chase you. Don't expect them to be what you need them to be. Let them be who they are - they'll show you if you allow them to. And you be true to you. That's how someone who's truly worthy of you - and on the same page! - will find you.
True
My personal answer to the question is: he needs you to show him you won't ever settle for less than you want, not even for him. He needs you to leave him alone. Let him be.
It all boils down to what women learn to require from them to share themselves with a man.
Personally, I think that we women need to start taking responsibility for ourselves and the world we create around us. We cannot control what others do, but we can definitely learn to see our worth, our value beyond the voices and programming the world feeds us. This is no small thing, I know, but unless we learn to live differently, our men won't know what to do.
I have come to notice that most men want to make women happy, they just don't know how. They too are bombarded with falsehoods.
If we learn for ourselves and we live by our true desires, men follow suit.
We can inspire people around us by how we live our lives.
I don't know if society will ever reach the level of awareness needed to be loving and peaceful for all of us, but I do hope that more and more people come to understand that their happiness matters and is not fully dependent on others. That judging others and blaming them for our mistakes doesn't move us forward.
Beautiful said, Angel. And oh so true. "We cannot control what others do, but we can definitely learn to see our worth, our value beyond the voices and programming the world feeds us."
Thank you that reassures me that I didn't fall in love with the only bad man. I found out he was living with another woman. Told him it's over and he didn't even bother to speak to me about it. I feel so worthless.
No, not the only one, Nicky! And it's not about you - it's about him. Don't take what he did on you! Refuse to take what you're putting on yourself on you. You're not worthless. It's only when we're with someone who isn't capable of loving us the way we deserve, who doesn't share our heart, and isn't on the same page, that we feel so worthless. I know it doesn't feel this way yet, but you're free now, free to be with someone who's going to love you - adore you! - and be looking his whole life for exactly who you are and what you have to offer. You are worth so much more than someone living with another woman. It's never rejection - it's a gift!
Phenomenal!!!
So glad this resonated with you, Reeta!
The only thing an emotionally unavailable man or woman deserves is your absence. Best thing is to just be very good at determining their true availability before getting too involved.
"Best thing is to just be very good at determining their true availability before getting too involved." - Exactly, Rheba. Thank you. This is where taking it very, very slow in the beginning is oh so important - as hard as it is to do in practice.