What would it be like if you could feel something, but not act on it?
What would it mean for you if you could observe without jumping into action right away?
What if you could see who someone was, how they were treating you, and how they responded to you without having to do something – anything – about it right that moment?
Would you feel more confident? Would you feel more in control? Would you feel more able to see what was real – and what wasn’t?
This year, I have a word for your New Year’s Resolution.
Instead of the usual full throttle, over the top resolve that we usually put on ourselves at the first of the year. Instead of setting ourselves up for failure with some kind of impossible goal that always seems to run its course in a matter of weeks and then fall off our radar.
No, this time we’re going for a simple word:
Pause.
Because as ones who are known for our all or nothing responses, our "let’s get going and do this" on-the-fly responses instead of more carefully thought out and planned courses of action, we need to learn to pause.
Because it’s only in the pause that we can stop and listen to ourselves – and actually hear ourselves – instead of jumping to conclusions and reacting before we can choose our best response.
Because we’re learning that not having a pause makes us feel out of control instead of in control.
Because we’re learning that not giving ourselves time to breathe and think in a moment that seems so out of control, makes us feel powerless and not at all like we have a choice.
Because we don’t feel like we’re the ones doing the choosing when we don’t pause.
And because we don’t feel like we have a choice when we don’t allow ourselves to reflect that there’s even a choice to be had.
That’s why this quest you’re on to find love can seem so daunting. It only seems so huge because you’re looking at it like an insurmountable mountain in front of you.
But what if you didn’t have to climb the whole mountain all at once? What if you only had to take the first small steps right in front of you that you were comfortable taking, and you could trust that when you got to that point, you’d know more about the next steps? What if this is what the pause is all about?
Taking time to get comfortable with each new step without panicking about how on earth we’re going to get to the top from how far it seems out of our grasp from where we stand right now.
Is it really as bad as it seems? Is it really as hopeless as it feels? Do you absolutely have to do something right now? Did he really mean it that way? Could what you're imagining it to be possibly be something else instead?
Could it be to your benefit that you give yourself some time to think your response through instead of jumping in with both feet? Could it possibly be to your advantage to breathe through this moment instead of letting your anxiousness get the best of you?
Where you are right now is where you’ve gotten to.
You’ve found your way here for a reason. You’re questioning what you never before questioned like you are now, in this moment in time, for a reason. Don’t lose sight of that!
Where you are right now is further than you were before.
Questioning, opening up, looking somewhere you hadn’t thought of looking before, catching even the slightest glimpse of something different that you couldn’t imagine before.
These are the small steps I’m talking about.
We’re so used to only noticing the big events, those huge accomplishments that get all the attention that we forget to reflect on how far we’ve actually come in those smaller, more nondescript steps that we’ve walked through already.
Like anything new or different, we have to grow into these changes, not expect them to come about overnight.
Pause.
Take it and make it yours. Breathe in the moment. Get your bearings where you are now with this moment of your progress before you take the next step.
It may be the big news that makes headlines, but I honestly don’t know of any more lasting way that we allow positive change to occur in our lives except in the small, inconspicuous everyday steps we take.
With plenty of pauses in between.
Now it’s your turn. Where do you need to pause? What do you choose to pause before, to breathe through, instead of doing what you’ve always done before? This is change, Beautiful. Share your piece of it in the comments with all of us.
I needed to read this a couple months ago. I am easily influenced by things I read or listen to. They can change my perspective for the better or for the worse. So I'd listen to some advice that would make me feel guilty about my place in our break up and I'd quickly text him an apology and then try to explain my behavior. Then I'd read a completely different perspective and realize I wasn't to blame, and then text him to withdraw my apology. I couldn't seem to stop myself! It was like I became psychotic! The articles on your site are so soothing, I have no desire to contact him anymore. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. No more psychotic behavior, and the bonus is, I've learned I'm not alone in the way I've handled "the ending". Thanks again.
Soothing. That's beautiful, Lynette. Thank you for sharing. We always know so much more than we ever allow ourselves to believe we do. Someone else must know better! But no, it's all in you.
I read your email now and I must say that thinking about relationships and boyfriends/meeting the One is tiring because I'm somewhere in my heart always waiting. What if he is my One, or he...what about him? I get exhausted of looking for him. In fact the past couple of guys I met where both emotionally unavailable to me so I am tired of the emotional roller coaster ride now.
Although I assigned up for Tinder and have been chatting with couple of guys, I dont know if I am ready to date. I am afraid. I have been going with the flow and now notice the current is making me feel lost. I am confused even of myself. There is one side of me that is the easy going, doesnt stress much, spontaneous and flirty girl who gets a lot of attention from guys and takes up on the invites. Then there is the more serious girl who actually is looking for mr.Right but she is confused of what is right and wrong nowadays. The flirty me goes with the flow and does things like my friends and people I know and the more serious me knows that she does not want emotionally unavailable guy, booty call guy or I am needy guy. However when I meet guys I am thinking as my flirty self and I cant tell if a guy is good or bad to me. I keep my guards up first but then I start liking them and then once I really like them it is too late, I realise the guy is wrong again. I am later left alone and hurt because (as of the recent experience) the guy either "disappeared" or he cant let me go but he really has no feelings for me either and I become the booty call for him. And I go for the latter because I really like him and we have fun together but every time after, I swear it is the last time because I cant keep my feelings away.
He does have a great affect on me also, it is true. He is someone who is right to me but at the same time so wrong also.
It is hard because I'm no spring chicken 36 now and it seems that no matter how good or nice or bad I am I always end up in same situation. Meanwhile my friends are having babies and meeting great guys and they have always been the party girls and girls who dont mind casual sex etc while I wasnt. I even told my friend that it seems I'm good for guys for sex and adventures but I am no wife material and it hurts because I have tried my best.
So perhaps I for now should just stay there not try to climb the mountain, not try anything. I have come to realise that deep in my heart I really am not the one going with the main stream flow. I dont pick up guys for sex and actually it is very intimate matter to me. Sure I do like the attention and I'm flirty but I realise I need to start staying true to myself more. I am starting to think again what really makes me happy and perhaps it is enough for now. Maybe although as harsh as it sounds I'm just not ready yet. Perhaps I am still attracting the wrong type for a reason.
Thank you Jane ? I do also understand that dreams dont always come true and my dream of having a loving husband and a baby may be someone's and I am meant to do other things,maybe even turn around from that mountain.
Jane,
I love your emails they are very insight full. Especially this one. I have meet several men lately who have been really forceful. I want to stay away from- Mr. Emotionally Unavailable (just got dumped by him six months ago), Mr. I just want sex, or Mr. I am lonely so I need a woman ... any women. I am looking a what qualities I really need from a man and what will feel right for me. I have also decide not to people please or chase a man. If he wants to be with me he will. So I have been pausing and deciding I don't have to rush into a relationship just to have one.
I'm so glad this one was especially timely for you, K. Thank you for your kind words. "If he wants to be with me, he will" - Hold onto that; it's the truth!
I can easily relate to this. On the weekend this guy I really like started a FB convo on NYD by giving me stickers
On Sunday me n this guy had 1h talk which I rarely get , yesterday he changed his profile picture n I commented on it say who painted it n he posted about x ray results n said thanks for the tip & 2 of his other friends commented & today I see he deletes all the other comments except mine n he commented in replying to my comment
At first I pause n thought does he like me or is he interested in me? And I wonder what he will do next on FB?
Me n this guy are like 2 peas in a pod n both losing weight n have the same personality.
I'm thinking of doing more pause and thinking what will happen etc
Follow that line of thinking, Courtney. You never have to chase someone who's truly on the same page as you!
Jane, i recieved an email this morning from you and it was so insightful and relevant to me right now.
I am in a complicated situation right now, i believe i have met my twin flame, that i never knew even existed before ,until i start recieving strange messages and syncronicities i couldnt quite explain, messages an emails guiding me to these extraordinary findings.
I am as we speak in turmoil because after 3 months of intense proclamations of love and planning a stable future together he has chosen to shut me out and try to fix his broken relationship.
I know sharing this information will cause questions from others about how much of a desperate person i seem, to fall for someone commited but it happened so quickly and intensely, we knew after 2 weeks of speaking we had a deep connection. He has always been loyal and is so against infidelity. Before meeting me he thought he was happy. He went through a bit of a breakdown and came clean to his girlfriend of 15 years after he got a phone bill of nearly 100 euro. We spent up to 7 hours on the phone a day. He told me his inner most thoughts that he couldnt even share with his girlfriend.
After his girlfriend found out he told me he had to break ties. I felt pain like ive never experienced. I questioned how the hell i could possibly feel like i was missing a limb.
I had no choice but to except it and think if nothing else had come of this relationship at least i had brought positive changes to his life which could help his existing relationship.
I start to think about the valuable lessons i was being thought from above and how could i be gifted with a love i had never experienced before, not even with my husband of 15 years. My heart was exploding with love which i felt i needed to share.
I start meditating and looking inside to see what i was here on earth for and as i asked, i kept recieving.
He called me a week later telling me that even if we couldnt be together he couldnt cope not having me in his life and if we remained friends and shared our life journies together which was exactly what i had wanted to hear and what id wished for. But again instantly the intensity picked up again and we became inseperable. Keeping in mind we never even met!! Which was completely insane and we both knew nobody would believe us but we were so madly in love after a month we were already arranging living together. He lives in the uk and i live in ireland with 3 children , in the process of moving out after been seperated for nearly a year. He has never wanted children and never wanted marraige but somehow he was willing to leave everything he knew to move over to be with me.
He even moved out of his home and told his girlfriend he was in love with me but as the enormity of it hit him and the distress he put on everyone around him he wrote to me in a heartbreaking email saying he is not strong enough to leave and she was threatning revenge on me so he had to retrieve, break ties and give it 6 months.
That was before xmas. I had tried hard to keep active and ask what i need to do in order to get through this. I have been for the first time in 15 years putting myself first, i have a focus and have come to realise how the marriage i had been through had swallowed me and i had become a shell. I didnt like the person id become, angry, resentful, jealous, self conscious, low self esteem, not feeling worthy and alone and miserable.
In the 3 months of knowing this person i had fallen madly in love with , had thought me how to laugh again, that i was infact beautiful and i had all these qualities that i was proud of and i done the exact same for him.
I know this has been long and winded but felt i needed to get it off my chest.
I am now at the stage where i have stopped messaging him as i know its not helping him. He emailed me before xmas to say life is so unfair, how can you change someone so dramatically and then have to let them go like we have. He told me im the only one who knows what he is going through and talk to.
I now question what to do. I have practiced in my mind letting him go, i keep telling myself i deserve a love that is only mine and i deserve the best , not second best but i know the love i have for him is real and am afraid of moving on. I get the urge to email and plead with him to not to let me go. Im obsessed with horoscopes which all say about meeting your soulmate. I believe he is the one.
My problem is although believing everything happens and i have put my faith in god that what will be will be, my impatience has me going insane. I am constantly trying to control the outcome and letting fear take over.
I asked the question this morning in a prayer and your email was the first message i recieved which was , breathe, relax and pause.
Thank you jane for helping me
Im truly grateful
Love
Elaine x
So glad this resonated with you this morning, Elaine. Thank you. Take that pause, that time to breathe, to step back and read what you've written here. You can't be the only one in a relationship meant for two. He can't be your soul mate unless he's available to being one. Only if he chooses to. It's so easy to get caught up in a fantasy that doesn't reflect the reality of what he can actually give you, but you deserve something real, not the memory of what could have been that keeps you holding on. Pleading only hurts you. Obsessing about him only gives you reason to question why you're not worth enough for him to leave her when that's never what this is about. Beware the man who comes on this strong, Elaine. If he's in it for the long run, there's never any need to rush through an entire relationship in 2 short weeks before you've even met. There is someone out there for you and you'll know him because it will be someone who will choose beyond any circumstances to be right there with you and take the time to get to know you. I know it's so hard to resist such a seemingly amazing connection - oh how I know! - but when you slow things down, you find out the truth of reality before you set yourself up for heartbreak. You deserve nothing less.