One of our beautiful readers, Kitt, is wondering if she should go for the nice guy, or if she's settling.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane. So glad I found your blog! It has given me great insight. I hope hearing from you can give me guidance. Here goes.
I was with my ex for 4.5 years.
The relationship has its ups and downs but overall one that had me alive and thinking he was the man and only one I would marry. My soulmate. We were so compatible on many levels, great sex and I love being with him.
I have always told him 3 years since I was 30 at the time on whether we would should know to take the next step or not. Of course that was a mistake but I realized he had commitment issues. 3 years came and no next step till I ended things and moved back to NY from CA.
He chased me to NY and proposed.
Only for him not to talk about our wedding or set a date six months down. I had enough and ended the engagement. He continued to pursued me and as much as I wanted to, I felt he was doing it out of loneliness. The relationship ended sour when we started talking again but he had a full on relationship with another person. He lied to me and the new girl. He wasn't cheating but it was betrayal.
I cut him off cold and it's now been a year.
Since then I met a sweet generous man and we have been dating for 6 months. I believe you need the foundation in every relationship i.e. high integrity, trust, family value, kind soul, etc. but you build from there. The sweet man has the foundation but the surface is missing.
I'm active, he's not. I love sense of humor, he lacks. He's OCD I'm not. A lot of differences but I'm growing to love him. However, I feel like my love for him is turning into more for a friend then a future husband.
My family loves him which is super important and he would be a great husband. I feel like I would lose a great man if I end our relationship but I'm missing that love that makes you feel alive.
It's not even about the sparks. Im looking for someone that challenge and motivate me. I feel like I am for him but it's not being reciprocated.
Can a relationship last in this circumstance or am I settling if I stay? I'm torn and feel like I am being unfair to him.
- Kitt
My Response:
Dear Kitt,
Welcome! I'm so glad you reached out to me.
"Do nice guys finish last?" What a great question. The "bad boy" and the "nice guys" are such stereotypes in our culture, it's no wonder you're confused. We hear so much about how the bad boy can have any women he wants, while the nice guy is too nice. What perpetuates these stereotypes is when we buy into them without even realizing that's what we're doing!
So when the guy with the edge appears interested in us, we're flattered and more likely to return the interest because of his reputation that precedes him that's so culturally ingrained. Not necessarily because of our actual feelings towards him, but because of what he represents to us.
And along those same lines, when a nice guy is interested in us, we feel there must be something wrong with him because we don't have to do anything but be ourselves to hold his interest. Once again, because his reputation precedes him.
My advice to you, Kitt, is to remove the labels of "nice guy", or "edgy guy" or whatever else comes to mind when you're with him or thinking about him or deciding what to do with him and instead think about how you feel when you're with him.
This isn't about him measuring up to anyone else's standards except your own. What you have between the two of you has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks about you, and 5, 10, 20 years down the road, what matters more than anything else will be what can only be known between the two of you.
Look closely at the qualities you're looking for in a boyfriend/partner/husband and see how he compares. Will those be the same qualities you're going to be looking for years down the road when you're married with careers, mortgages, possibly children, etc.?
When you're looking at who he is now, will those be the same things that matter then? Is it really someone different you're looking for, or do you need to clarify more for yourself what you're looking for?
The beauty of all our relationships is that they give us a chance to clarify what it is we truly want from the one we eventually choose to settle down with. The ones like the one you experienced with the guy who you thought was your "soulmate", as well as with this one who you're not so sure about.
I could never have known those specific qualities that I needed more than anything else in my husband if I hadn't experienced both extremes of the spectrum. The guys who were never there for me emotionally in the way I so wanted them to be, as well as the ones who came so close to being everything I said I wanted on paper, and yet lacked the very qualities that became my must-haves as I refined my list along the way.
You're in this relationship for a reason, Kitt. Don't waste it!
Allow yourself to ask the big questions of yourself that produce the answers you never knew were in you. Allow yourself to see what you're meant to see, that you haven't been able to see before now.
Why him? What attracted you to him in the first place?
Was he merely a rebound, or was there something more there? There must be a reason you've been with him for the last six months. Has he simply been a cure for loneliness, or therapy to help you get over your dashed dreams with the last guy, or was there something more? Something must have kept you in the relationship, getting to know him better. Find that and you'll find more of what you're looking for.
Only you know if you're settling. Only you know if you're looking in the wrong places. Only you can answer if this is working for you. If it is on some level, explore that, and find out why. If it's not, don't be afraid to find that out to.
But do it for you, Kitt. Not because of someone else's expectation for you, or pressure on you, or because of the deeply embedded cultural beliefs that if you don't have to work for it, it can't be worth having.
Love is supposed to feel loving.
It's supposed to feel kind. It's supposed to feel caring. And most of all, it's supposed to feel "real".
If that's how it feels, then you have your answer.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Kitt? Share them with us in the comments!
Jane,
I'm in my second year in community college and I can't help reminiscing about my stupid mistake in my spring semester. I was 18 and he was 21. I kept him secret from my parents and I made the mistake of dating a non-Christian even though back then I read about what to look for in a Christian boyfriend. I spent money on him and I spent it on my student loan card just to hang out with him and be with him, but now I realized how dumb and naïve I had been and everyday has become a worry and regret for me because I dated the wrong guy and there were signs to walk away from him because he was so clingy and he never had any money. I also did the unthinkable in giving him my V-card. I regret making that foolish mistake and wish I could take it all back and walk away and live a good life. I feel like there are couples who are so happy and have it together, but I didn't because I kept secret and after my parents found out, they were angry. We broke up and then he texted me a few times telling me I love you and baby I love you after we broke up. It's like he wanted me back after all that's happened. I am no longer with him and I don't want to be with him. I feel like I'm worried about my life because I've dated the wrong guy and I worry I'll make the wrong choice in dating the wrong man. I want to live a good life, but there are times when I live with uncertainty about how my life will turn out. I'm still in college and I'm trying my best in my classes; at least that's good. I tried to walk forward, but it feels like everyday I'm reminded about what I've done and I can't help but feel like it's a scar in my shoulder I can't get rid of. I look at couples who have it all and I see guys who love their girlfriends as they mean the world to them and then I ask myself, "Would I have someone who will love me like that?" I see married couples who walk hand in hand and smiling, being so happy, and then wonder if I'll ever have happiness like them. All I want is to have a connection with someone and to be loved so that I know I have found my missing puzzle piece.
Hi Kitt,
Please don't marry the new guy, I am in the same situation but the diff is that iam married to this guy. He is a marriage material but we differ in almost everything, I am Christian he is not ... I know I fished in the wrong pond but because he was good looking, generous and kind and good in bed , I then married him. But the truth is that marriage is not only about that, I love studying he does not, I love doing other business except my Job he does not, I love swimming and gym he does not and is not even supportive instead he crushes me on studies . I tried to encourage him to do everthing with me but the answer I get is NO. It is so difficult to do things your husband does not do or support, I feel drained everyday, remember it is you before you are married . How about your personal fulfilment. Please don't do the same mistake its not easy to get out though easy to say YES I will marry you.....
Hey girl I think you should cut your losses with both of these men (though the first man is pretty much gone). It is obvious you are a successful person in life and these men are living rent free in your mind and heart. If you settle for number 2 you won't be happy and someday it will Dawn on you what you really need to do.
Be true to yourself. I was once there too.
Jane. Same story here. Ended a five year on /off again with me leaving and me returning. Finally ended wierd.
I'm dating.. Met a nice man.. I have no feelings but enjoy his company. He seems to be making plans.. I'm vulnerable and don't want to lead him on. How do I handle that? I am enjoying befriending though. Thank you.
Be honest with him, Rosie. Tell him you need to take things very slow, that you can't promise anything, but that you enjoy his company. Then take things slow. Enjoy his company. Get to know him better because you never know what feelings might grow if you don't feel pressured to make them grow. If you're honest with him, he knows where you stand and can decide for himself how he wants to proceed. This is the whole point of dating!
Jane...Thank you so much! I really enjoy your site the most.. It's so true. It's very difficult to let go of a love. But self love acceptance and reality are everything.
Thank you, Rosie; you're so very sweet. 🙂 Difficult, yes, but oh how you're worth it!
Thank you, Tanya. When you've been there, you understand.
Sorry Kitt this is for Jane,. Jane your answer to Kitt's dilemma helped me. I have been dating this man for 15 months and I am scared to be loved, because of the hurt that I had in my past relationship. When I am with him, we have soooo much fun. He does not complain about me doing whatever it is I like to do. He is not perfect neither am I. We stopped all sexual initmancy to really get to know each other, it has been 7 months. I thought he was going to leave but he is still hanging in here with me. Settling I thought at first yes...but after ready your answer Jane, I had to look at the future and I live with this man the rest of my life...and the answer is YES!!! Kitt can you live the rest of your life who this person is NOW!! if not,...than that is your answer!!!
I'm so glad you found what you needed to see here, RealDavis. Thank you for sharing your process for finding your own answer - the only one that matters - your own!
Ladies,
Why are most of you stuck on this "lack of sense of humor"idea? Why is it so important to you and what does it mean to you? does a guy a have to act like a clown 24/7 to make you happy so that you'll find he has a "sense of humor"? It's good to laugh from time to time but I don't see a "sense of humor" a great deal.
Maybe it's a personal choice..who knows..
We laugh most of the time. It is very critical to my relationship. We practice our sense of humor and try to find ways to be funny. I am wired like that and so is he.
Its certainly a personal preference and I would not fault anyone if that wasn't important. To us, its very very important.
Have you ever seen Impractical Jokers on TV ( neither of us has a TV) we saw it on vacation. We laughed until we cried. OK, we may be easily entertain able! 🙂
It is a personal choice, Elisia, but generally when you've been through enough of the seriousness of life, you recognize that you want someone you can laugh with, who gives you reason to laugh, who makes you laugh. Not someone who "acts like a clown 24/7", but someone who brings out the lighter, sillier side of you. In our culture, we tend to laugh so much as children and then we gradually lose the ability to keep on laughing through life as we're given the strong messages that life needs to be taken so much more seriously or that it's immature or irresponsible to laugh like we used to. When you find someone who you can laugh together with, it brings back a part of us so many of us have lost. To find our own sense of humor again is such a wonderful gift to give yourself! And to find this quality in someone else, makes life that much more enjoyable for both of you and everyone around you that it spreads to. Laughter can be so wonderfully contagious - and healing! Hope that helps to clarify what I believe many women here mean when they talk about a "sense of humor". 🙂
Hi to everyone,
Jane, no one could say it better to her than you.
I am with a wonderful man for a year and I feel loved and cared for and feel good when we are together. He is good in bed and out of bed. We have such a wonderful spark between us. We have taken it slowly and everything we have done has brought us closer together. We are 64 years old. we live apart but plan to live together after my house sells and I am in no rush.
Recently, he had a very mild stroke and family and friends pulled together. We are closer than ever.
I hope we have many years left together.
I hope you find your path. Life and love can be so confusing. I have struggled my whole life to understand and put myself in better relationships.
Pat
I am so happy for you, Pat! Thrilled! Thank you so much for sharing, for inspiring us all, and for your kind words.
Feels to me like Kit is trying to settle. Sounds like she has too many doubts. I think she is better of being with a relationship for now. She is active he is not (red flag.) She loves a sense of humour he hasn't got one by the sounds of it. Wheres the romance? The fun and joy of being in a relationship here? From my friends who have met the right partners they share a sense of humour,intellect and common interests besides trust and integrity.
Growing to love him but more as a friend. I think Kit has answered her own enquiry .
Thank you for sharing your own insight here, Gabriella. When we take out all the other voices, we allow our own truth to become known - the only one that truly matters.
Kitt, I totally understand your dilemma! I have been in similar situations. Sometimes we feel we should stay in a relationship with someone because he is so nice and dependable and has those family values, etc etc. Sometimes guilt or fear of being single again can keep us tied to someone we are not crazy about.
I think it is best to be in relationships with people we are crazy about. Imagine marrying someone you are not crazy about. You are going to be waking up in the same bed with this person for life. If you are not very happy and excited about the idea of being with him, then this could lead to major problems down the road.
I agree that paying attention to the way we feel is the most important thing. Imagine there is no list of qualities and no adjectives to describe him. Just imagine how you feel when you are with him. Do you feel very happy when you think of spending the rest of your life with him? When you imagine not being with him anymore, do you feel a sense of relief or do you feel a great sadness? If you feel a sense of relief at the idea of not being with him anymore, then letting him go is probably the right thing. I think marrying someone we only love as a friend isn't fair to us or him.
I think we need more than just someone who is nice and dependable. We need someone who helps us be more ourselves, who helps us be more authentic, and who helps us grow, because that feeling of being more ourselves is, I think, one of the things that makes us feel alive.
These are great questions to ask oneself, Audrey. Thank you for adding your thoughts here for Kitt. It's our own unique perspectives we each bring to this conversation that make this such a beautiful community!
Kitt,
I have a great friendship with a sweet man. On paper, he is perfect. He is kind, loyal, intelligent, cares about equality for women (especially in the areas of equal pay and equal representation in government). He also has good family values. He is a lawyer and spends many hours of his free time doing pro bono work. He is funny, likes to cook, likes to write and loves plying piano. (These are things I like to do too).
He also is very picky about things being "perfect," isn't active the way I am (I run and hike), and likes different foods than I do.
Of course, I realize that he doesn't has be to be my clone, and those differences I could live with, but the one very important thing that is missing for me is the sexual attraction. It just isn't there, at all. So I would never settle for this "nice guy," because it would be unfair to him and to myself. I know he would sense something wasn't right, and I know that I would always be wishing for more.
I think you should date some more people, see what you like, what you dislike and refine your list. But please don't settle for someone who you aren't attracted to or who you won't be truly happy with.
Do you really want to be with someone who isn't active, has OCD and has no sense of humor? Keep in mind, you are still just dating and he is on his best behavior. I don't think you do, because you brought up those traits as negative ones. (I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with people with OCD btw. I only mentioned it because Kitt did).
Never settle. It is not a nice thing to do to someone. You'll always be looking around at what you're missing, and he'll know you aren't truly happy or satisfied. Would you want someone to settle for you? I doubt it!
Thank you for sharing your own story here with Kitt, Deb. How you understand! It's asking these types of questions, breaking it down like this, where we find our own answers, the only ones that matter.
Hi there I'm sorry for what you've been thru it seems like it's been a roller coaster all I can say is If you have to question it you're already in doubt about this new guy I was in the very same situation I had to lose the "nice guy" cause I was living a lie I wasn't being honest with myself let alone him it wasn't fair to hold onto him and string him alone I'm not selfish he was generous kind dependable honest caring loving but he didn't have a sense of humour he wasn't smart intelligent and I felt like I was having a conversation with a 19 year old opposed to a 36 year old he seemed clueless my ex was the complete opposite life is too short to settle for less do what makes you happy be 100% complete fulfilled it's better to be alone then living within a lie. Be kind and let him go he deserves the truth and to be happy just as much as you do. Good luck hope it all works out for you cause I'm alone but I'm not hurting anyone cheers 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Sonya. It sounds like you can relate to what Kitt's going through! Being honest with ourselves is the first step to finding our own answers. No matter how much we think we need someone else to tell us what we "should" do, we always know our own truth, no matter how buried it may be.