We love a good story. Especially a good love story.
We want a love that conquers all. And a dream that, against all odds, still comes true.
We want the sparks. The fireworks.
We want an underdog to triumph. And what we perceive as good versus evil to win.
And more than anything else, we want the happy ending.
We’re not just talking about a story. We’re talking about our story.
Our lives.
We play the part of the tragic heroine oh so well. We bring THAT role to every audition we’ve been to.
We still do.
We show up for that audition, otherwise known as our date, our online profile, or our "getting ourselves out there", and what do we do? We say “Pick me!”.
Not with our words, not with anything conscious. But subconsciously, it’s the only thing we’re saying.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve been lied to, cheated on, left, discarded, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed.
Our stories run so deep.
And yet ironically, we haven’t said a word.
It’s our body language, our actions, our behavior that says it all. Before we even say a word. He knows.
How can he not? He’s sensitive just like you. He sees in you a part of himself. This wounded soul you share.
But where you stayed soft and open, he became hard and strong, so closed emotionally to the part of him that was more emotional than he was ever allowed to be. You’re his chance to find a place where he can be himself again. And be loved like only another kindred wounded soul can love.
It’s why you get caught up in this; the roles are all there waiting to be filled. You’re the damsel in distress, he’s the banished prince.
With you he’ll find his way home. Literally.
Back to the home where love was never demonstrated, emotions never tolerated, and boys were raised as men. Tough, emotionless, was the measure of a man. No place for feelings, emotions, or anything resembling a soft spot.
To be vulnerable wasn’t part of the upbringing of his father’s definition of what it means to be a man. Reinforced by the larger culture, there was no check on whether this was the best way to raise a man.
Now you’re his chance.
And he’s yours.
For you learned your own role as well. To give and love and equate your worth with a man. Not just any man, but a man who holds that added appeal of holding back just enough of himself that he holds the power to decide your fate.
A healthier version of ourselves recognizes him and resists the urge to rescue him from himself and his past. But this beautiful loving, giving, caring, so understanding version of ourselves hasn’t learned our blind spots yet.
We go forward, spurred on by his fast-moving pursuit of us, throwing caution to the wind when he seems to want us – yes, even need us – as much as he leads us to believe.
It’s at this exact moment in the relationship that we need to slow things down. This is the last time we will feel in control. Before it spins out of control, before the speed hits breakneck, before our hearts reach the point of no return.
We won’t want to stop. We won’t want to hear it, let alone listen to what it’s trying to tell us, but for our heart’s sake, we must.
Pause the story, stop the cameras rolling, turn the lights back on.
Stop here.
Slow it down.
If it’s going to be the epic love story you want it to be, it will be. But right now, you matter more than any story. You matter more than this role you’ve been auditioning your whole life for. Slowing it down won’t end it unless he’s only in this with you for the beginning.
Taking it slow can’t end it unless he’s only here for the first act.
Remember those signs we’ve talked about where there’s always something to show you what’s really there? This is how you know before you go any further. This is how you allow yourself to see before your beautiful heart gets broken again.
You won’t want to stop it. You won’t want to slow it down. And neither will he.
But it’s the ones who do and stay, and the ones who don’t and leave that reveal themselves in their actions so that you can plainly see.
Jane....Gurl another good one!!! All I say is that "now I know what I do want, I do not waste time on what I don't want anymore" . If it quacks and looks like a duck it is a WHAT???? DUCK!!!! These are not mistakes just lessons. One day you will look up and say "Damn what was doing'!!! LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!!! Keep moving forward, looking back you just might miss Mr. Ready, Mr. Committed, Mr. I LOVE YOU!!!
Love your play by play here, RealDavis. Thank you. So glad this resonated with you!
I really enjoyed this article because it reminded me of who I used to be. I can't believe I used to feel as if I needed to be saved, or felt the urge to save someone else, or that I could be chosen and that would rid us both of our problems. What I know now is is that everyone is 100% capable of working on themselves, loving themselves, handling their baggage in a healthy way rather than hiding from it, and taking responsibility for their own actions. It's not until someone actually does those things that they can actually be a true partner in a real love story. I realize now I couldn't have been a true partner then, but I definitely want to be and think I could be now! Im looking for someone who has done all of those things I listed because that's who I am now and who I always want to be in the future, because life is so much more happier and less complicated this way. I want to choose someone like that. I know he's got to be out there somewhere.
Jane, it's because of you and your writings that I have grown - thank you 🙂
I so hear you, Julie. To look back like this and see where you've been, what you've believed in, can be so freeing, so liberating. Thank you for your beautiful words here. I'm so grateful for you. I may have provided the words, but it's you who've turned them into wings. 🙂
In January I met a wonderful man, we got on so well, it seemed like a fairytale, almost too good to be true! I had been through a hard divorce years prior from a marriage that ended due to abuse, I took alot of time to work on myself after that and get strong again as my esteem was rock bottom at that point. I didn't want to get hurt again and learned to be happy solo. I went to councelling which really helped. I was also busy raising my 2 amazing kids.
We started dating, I met him online, we were both divorced, both had 2 kids, both into fitness, both had so much in common, both hard workers in our jobs, both very sincere. He ticked so many boxes for me and was so keen. We shared so many beautiful times and dates together. For the first time I felt I had met an amazing man, could he be the one I asked myself, it certainly seemed full of potential. I felt wonderful when with him. He was very expressive with how he felt about me, and very open We both had busy lives between our work and he would go over to UK every 2 wks to see his kids and I have my kids living with me full time, so life was busy but we made time to see each other. His daughter had severe depression aged 17 and he was very worried about that and she was receiving care, we talked about that and I tried to be a supportive as I could, there were challenges there with his family in UK and certainly baggage. He so many times would tell me what a wonderful mum I was to my kids, he never actually met them as we both agreed to wait a good few months before introducing kids as we wanted time to just date and get to know each other and he needed time with his daughter in UK to get her to a better place. His parents also had to temporarily have his parents come to live with him shortly after we started dating as they were relocating house, his dad was a stroke victim so his mum relied on him alot for help and support, they ended up staying much longer with him and this made our seeing each other more challenging as he was trying to help his mum and found their moving in quite stressful on his time and space. So there were a lot of dynamics going in his life between a job that demanded a lot of him, his parents, his daughter and studying a phd.
In may one morning he sent me a voice message saying he felt we needed to talk, cut a long story short, he felt he overloaded and needed to put all of his energy into his daughter as he didn't feel she was safe and he felt the strain was a lot and we weren't getting much time together and he would be travelling with work to India and America as the year would go on and UK every 2 weeks so didn't feel things could work for the long haul. I made suggestions to try and see could we work things out, that I was willing to support him with it all, but he said he needed to pause and I said I understood. I was heartbroken, however I felt very sad for him with it all. I cried a lot, but understood from what he said it was nothing that I said or did, he said he meant all of the things he told me and really liked me (he told me many times he loved me) but that he needed to do this. I prayed from him and his daughter and hoped he would be ok, I missed him dearly but there was nothing I could do. I was gutted it was over, I had high hopes, I had let him into such a close space in my heart because he was so keen and all of the things he had told me. My expectations were shattered. I felt so let down
2 weeks later a friend called to my house, she said she had news to tell me. A lady we both knew was on a dating website chatting to guys, going on dates and told my friend about this nice man chatting to her wanting to ask her out. She showed his picture to my friend and it was the guy I was dating the one who told me he overloaded! my friend said nothing to her but felt I should know as she knew I was finding the break up hard and felt i needed to know this guys was not all he was cracked up to be. The lady who was chatting to him was the same lady that my ex husband moved in with after our marriage ended. He lived with her for 1.5 years and she became pregnant with his child, sadly they lost the child and their relationship ended, he remarried a new lady a few months later and left the country. This lady still lives near my home. It was a difficult time for my children and I when my ex lived with her so close by but we came through it.
It was a shock for me to hear this, firstly because it was the lady my ex husband had dated and how the man that I thought was so sincere and that made me feel sorry for him and have compassion for him was out dating! nothing seemed to add up, had he lied, did he use his daughter to gain my sympathy, was she really even sick? why didn't he just say he wanted to see other people, why did he tell me he loved me many times and then just cut me off stone cold. I had done nothing wrong or to him, what caused him to change, why didn't I see the red flags. I was gutted, I felt so played and deceived and betrayed. A few days later I messaged him to tell him I was aware he on dating website as I was informed and I told him who the lady was, he would have known a bit about my past as we talked about both of our pasts. However at this early stage chatting to her he would now have know the connection. I told him that I had nothing but compassion for him but that he was not the man I thought he was. I heard nothing from him.
Since then I have had a response, it was to wish me well and that he didn't feel it helpful to get into anything about what happened or why things ended but said he understood things were hard for me and in time as I focus on my goals it would get easier and he asked how my kids were etc.. I felt very patronised by his response, complete deflection. No acknowledgement to what he did, how could he possibly understand how I felt.
I'm back in councelling now which is helping me work through this. I found out since he really hurt another lady when he moved to Ireland, reeled her in also and cut her off blaming her for it all, seems to be there is a pattern with him, he blames the women.
I.m trying to get back to where I was, but i'm finding it hard. I feel very hurt and let down.
Thanks for sharing your story, D. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you're feeling both hurt and let down. It hurts to find out the truth like this, especially when you were so understanding and had such compassion for him and his situation. Don't take any of this on yourself; be glad that you were able to see him for who he was before you were any more involved with him. Can you see that this isn't about you? This is obviously a pattern with him. For reasons that have everything to do with him - and absolutely no bearing on you or your self-worth - this is where he finds his comfort level within a relationship. This is what he's capable of.
Shake it all off you; this is his stuff, not yours. While we always have regrets about what we wish we had known and could have done differently, the truth is that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. It's not your fault he couldn't be honest with you and has nothing more to say except what makes it easier for him. His response to you is simply more of him confirming for you that he's not on the same page as you - and that you don't want to be on his page!
You're free now, D. Find yourself again, create more of your own beautiful life apart from this man. You deserve so much more than what he couldn't give you. And how you receive that is by being released from the ones who would only keep you from being free to find exactly that.
Thank you so much for your response, encouragement. true and kind positive words. I am working through this now in councelling also and my councellor has also said the same thing, that this is not about me or anything I did but rather with as you said where he is at and what he is capable of.
I know that he has his own struggles/committment issues. That there is nothing I can do or say to change that or that I could have done or said at the time either (which I really did replay a lot of times in my head) My heart is just broken by how things turned out as I had an expectation for us, for the relationship to develop into something more and I know deep down that it is better to know these things now rather than later.
I'm just working through the process of grieving the situation and letting it go and loving myself through it all and holding onto the hope of knowing that I am worth so much more as I have so much in my heart to give the right person for me in time.
Each challenge, set back, disappointment that we face in life teach us things about ourselves and it's an opportunity for growth and further development and a greater understanding of ourselves. I have a big heart which is filled for compassion for people and those closest around me. I look back and as my councellor reminded me i've come along way over the last few years, from the broken woman who was abused in her marriage, who hit rock bottom, was scared, had to rebuild her life after a divorce, to the woman that I am today today, a hard working beautiful woman who is raising two amazing children who are happy, stable and well balanced.
In life you meet people who you know have challenges and sadly some want to change and some don't, I know it's not my job to fix this man nor was it ever. In the beginning we talked so much, I felt he had done a lot of work already on himself which he did, this is what attracted me to him, I really quizzed him as he did me! ah the early stages of getting to know someone! but as time passed more came to light and I could see that there was a lot more going on behind the scenes with him and things going on with his family from what he would say. That is why from this Jane I have really learned that you really do need to take quite some time to get to know someone before you throw your heart in there! that is easier said than done especially when he lead me to believe he was so smitten, and I believe he was however he took things as far as you said that he was capable of and he has done this before to 3 other women since his marriage ended, I knew about one as I was informed about their relationship since ours ended, he told me a bit about it himself but said the lady was controlling, I heard a very different version of events, she fell madly in love with him and he walked telling her she wasn't intellectually stimulating enough for him! (how cruel). He also told me about another lady he dated, she fell for him and wanted to turn a job down in America to be with him here and he saw a red flag and told her not to turn a job down for him and ended it and left her crying in a restaurant! (not so nice) and I'm guessing he will continue to do the same, I believe he is dating another lady now also.
I love what you said "that i'm free now, free to find myself again and create more of my own beautiful". That is so true, thank you, I am free, and I will look back on this and be grateful that I found out early on. I asked myself during that harder days who was I before I met this man, well I was a happy, strong, loving, positive, beautiful woman and I still am. After a break up I can honestly say i've felt so lousy about myself which is why I went back to councelling, because I don't want to allow this situation to stunt me or make me not want to trust a man again or turn this in on me. I think it's really good to be able to talk about things and just be real because you realise you are not alone, others have felt the same and are feeling the same. I love your blogs and your honesty and the honesty of people writing their stories. Not all men are the same, there are some great guys out there and i do believe things happen for a reason in life that just because one door closes it doesn't mean it's then end, there is a brand new chapter and door ahead with endless possibilties, hope is always a wonderful things. So this is what I am choosing to focus on, hope and new found freedom, and when things feel like they are getting on top of me as they really have been through this process I will hold onto that.
Thank you again for your encouragment and motivating words. xx D
Yes, yes and yes, D. That you're seeing this through your own eyes is what matters more than anything else. Yes, you are free!! Stretch those wings. Fly to those new heights that are now within reach. There is always you, regardless of what any particular "him" chooses to do, and there is always a reason we come to this place like we do. This isn't me; this is all you! 🙂
So true, thanks Jane, life does go on. You live and you learn and you grow. 🙂
Hi Jane
Thanks for your articles! Everyday I read them to help me not go back to my ex who walked away from the relationship. I am definitely the type of girl who loves being with the boys I can save. I have done a lot of internal work to change my patterns but can you tell us a little bit about what's it like being with a healthy man, because all the guys who truly like me I run from them, so how do I learn to stay?
I'm so glad these are resonating with you right where you are, Tali. Be so proud of yourself for recognizing this pattern of choosing the one who you want to save. That's the first step to attracting something different! Create for yourself a different story; one where you're with someone where you're receiving as much as you're giving. One where someone is giving to you by his actions more than anything else. Look for a friend who you're also attracted to. But attracted because of how he treats you, the way he makes you feel about yourself, and the way he makes you laugh. Look for someone who's more a "cute" kind of attractive than a no-holds-barred attraction that's only about him triggering every part of you that senses he's the next one who needs to be saved.
Being in a healthy relationship with a real man will feel different because it won't have the usual triggers that allow you to put so much focus on him that you forget about yourself. With someone healthy, you both keep your own lives, but you choose to come together and get to know each other within the larger context of those individual lives. Neither one loses themselves in the other. Neither one feels they need the other to complete them or make them whole. You both own your own power. You don't feel like he has all the power or you need to be or do or become anything different that who you are for him to want to be with you. There's no drama, no games, no feeling within you that your worth is dependent on what he does or doesn't do with you.
It's a change in mindset; that you're doing the choosing, and you only want someone who can give something to you - who actually has something to give you in the first place! Picture yourself years down the road with someone; what matters then to you? What qualities matter then? Look for those now.
Thanks Jane such great advice love it and really appreciate it!
Well the last guy I was with I really believed we had a friendship and I didn't sleep with I wanted to build a strong foundation first but then he told me he wasn't ready for a commitment.
There is another guy I went out with a year ago on two dates but I ran away cause I thought it was because I didn't feel any physical attraction. The problem is with the boys "I'm saving" there is always so much attraction and the ones that like me there doesn't seem to be much physical chemistry. Would you suggest to just pursue it with the men even though in the beginning you don't feel much attraction? Wouldn't you want to feel strong physical attraction to your soulmate. Or is this just hormones talking ? Thanks for your time!
it's been nearly 4 weeks i've broken it off my last bf. it's the time i wanted to see all of my old friends who are men 2 - 5 years ago n the friendship was short.
i met 6 guys i like in person but i haven't known them yet n i met them on public transport. last week i was on the bus n this cute guy read his book so he stops reading n says hi, i couldn't understand his accent coz it sounded english n he was getting off 5 stops after me n i was talking to him for 5mins. i ask for their FB n if i/them can add me as a friend on fb but there was some that don't use FB n some don't have any spare time
last friday it was my crushes birthday so i gave him a simple happy birthday msg with hope u had a great day etc, i was so shy giving him a msg n my mind said don't send it, after i sent the msg i felt a bit guilty for doing it, that nite it was 8pm n i found out he read my msg n i thought OMG no way!!! he read my msg at 5:47pm. a part of me said he won't reply but he did at the end of the day saying "thanks" i was so surprised n happy. i feel like i'm slowly gaining his trust n friendship back after feb 2014 he said he wanted to be alone so i left him alone.
the next thing i want is i want to be his FB friend again n my mum reckons i should add him in dec n not sep just incase something happens but then he's busy between Oct - Dec. my friends want me to add him in Sep so i can get to see him b4 he gets busy but i thought that would take me back to 2013 memory lane n do the same things but then i had 2nd thoughts, if i added him in sep i would do things differently n won't be the needy,clingy or pushy person.
idk whether to add my crush in september which my friends suggested or at the end of the year in dec where he will have 3 weeks busy boy n quiet after new years day.
i would like to be friends with my crush
Someone who's right for you will never be too busy for you, Courtney. Give him a chance to come to you. With your messages and sentiments, you've been letting him know how you feel about him all along; now it's his turn to give you more than a cordial acknowledgment if he's truly interested in you. One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to accept a friendship type of relationship with a crush, when in our hearts we long for so much more.
Yes, that's true. I've even gotten tired of my own set of wounds. I think back and remember how I used to be and I cringe. It stills hurts a bit, but I remember that all I'm always left with is reality. It's interesting to see myself sometimes go back to the same explanations of why things don't work out romantically for me and then nudge myself with the reminder that these explanations don't fly. They're just lies I believed based on my experiences; experiences I magnified and globalized as being the truth. How hard is it to break old patterns. It takes a lot of conscious effort.
How I hear you, Angel. The hardest part is learning to recognize them in the first place.
Hi Jane
Ive recently started dating again and am amazed at how strong men can come on in the beginning. Even before they have met you some men start mapping out a future with you of how its going to be. Then as strong as they've come on they either disappear or they may reappear at another time, this is even before you have met them. I take it with a grain of salt now.
Once I might have bought the story but not anymore. Some men will say your the only one they're really interested in but are probably telling 10 other woman the same thing.
I just sit back now and see what unfolds. I don't play games but I don't initiate either just respond.
I set some boundaries early on as well such as tell men I want to get to know someone with out rushing into anything. In other words not rushing the intimacy. Remaining a bit of a mystery to men is the key I think.
Anyway the main thing is to have fun and not get too serious too soon. Im dating more than one man at a time and not putting all my eggs in one basket until I know the guy is serious about me and wants to become exclusive.
Men really can come on so strong and then just disappear! you really do have to hold back for some time to see their real intensions. Which is what I did, intimacy was not rushed. I think this is what i've learned the most from my recent breakup. It really does take some time to get know a person. At first everything can seem so perfect but as times passes you see more, their actions speak volumes.
Knowing others have gone through similiar things really helps!
Exactly, Gabriella. It's this mindset that won't let you down. You're always the one doing the choosing!
I love the notion of sitting back and seeing how things unfold. It helps me calm down!