One of our dear friends, Kim, has been in a relationship with a guy that keeps on disappearing on her.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane:
I read your article 'Why you're attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men' and it motivated me to take action with your Weekly Love Steps program.
I am well versed in working with steps as I’m in recovery through AA, and have been sober now for 19 months after spending 10 months in limbo relapsing, and trying my best to be a social drinker but thankfully am an alcoholic and believe that today.
It has been an incredible, life changing journey filled with misery and confusion at first and now an entirely new perspective on the world.
I now have a community, true friendships with other alcoholic women, a connection to God I never knew existed, I'm able to be of service in and outside of the rooms of AA and have so many tools to use to keep me away from having to drink again.
I have been trying to turn my situation with a guy I care deeply about over to God, but cannot seem to let go of the hope and trying to control the situation.
I even read some bogus articles about how to get your ex back, etc.
After ceasing all contact for three weeks, I finally felt like I was turning the corner and truly gave it to God. 45 minutes later he (lower case h not H J) texted me. Three weeks of radio silence, and 45 minutes later he texts me?
I've set boundaries and kept them in allowing him to see me. However, this undeniable hope has been ignited in my heart.
He was not sober and drank the entire time we've been on this roller coaster (5 months), until two weeks ago. He is in the contemplation stage of whether he too is an alcoholic, brought on by the death of a friend, and another friend having a seizure due to detoxing.
For the previous four and a half months he has been back and forth with me, disappearing, coming back then when we have an incredible time together he runs for the hills. This happened again last week after spending two days together at the beach, with him not drinking, but going through the loss of a friend due to alcoholism.
I set the boundary that I'd be open with him and act as if we're a couple while there only (kissing, holding hands cuddling).
We had an incredible time, which I always knew we would in a bubble - the part of him not drinking was a welcomed surprise and I could feel how present he was vs before. Our connection grew deeper.
After two years of not being in a relationship I experienced a snap shot of me the me of today, sober and loving and compassionate having a make believe relationship and feeling a true connection with him.
We've been back a week, and while I know he's in the throes of determining what if any his issues with alcohol are, and spending time with his friends who are in town for the memorial of the friend who passed- he has once again completely disappeared.
I told him I was giving him space and that I was here for him. I also said I thought the time we spent together at the beach could be possible here at home. He did not respond to that, but a day and a half later sent me a text that he was sorry and had been sad/busy/sick.
Even though I expected this to occur, it still hurts.
Now I know I want a relationship, I am so excited to share the me of today with someone deserving of it. My confusion is how to just stop this cycle with him. He’s dealing with so much, but hasn't reached out to me either.
He may not, but he likely will at some point whether tomorrow or another three weeks down the road. I want to step away, but I also care about him. I think I’m using his losses and circumstances as an excuse to stick around.
Even if I don’t say anything to him now today that I’m done, how do I stop within my own heart and mind still having hope that he’ll step up and want to be with me? There’s so much on his side of the street that I have no control over, but what can I do on mine within me?
I have crawled out of the deepest hole my heart and mind and soul has ever known when I got sober.
I didn’t work so hard, and continue to each day to live a sober life to be in half a relationship that exists only on his terms. I need your help to learn how to start the process of ending the five month cycle please.
Thank you for your inspiriting articles that motivated me to sign up for your program, and to reach out to you today.
Warmest Regards,
Kim
My Response:
I'm so glad you're here, Kim. Thrilled you're being inspired. And so honored that you're starting my program and reaching out to me.
Be so proud of yourself for taking these courageous steps to sobriety, to emotional health, to the life and love you so deserve. This is all you!
Your words about not being able to let go of the hope said so much to me. We think it's about stopping the hope, but it's exactly the opposite. Don't change that beautiful hopeful part of you; it carries over into so many beautiful things. Instead, work with that hope. Look at that hope in the light of reality, in the light of what you actually know about this man. Living with hope is about recognizing where that hope leads - and where it doesn't based on the reality of what is, and not the fantasy that you so want it to be. It’s about a choice. Seeing the effect that hope has on you, and choosing how much you want to let it run free. And how much you want to see.
I used to think the secret to letting go of someone was all about being able to turn my feelings on and off. But what I discovered was that trying so hard to turn that off, and it’s fulfilment of actually turning it off, only hurts us in the end.
And so what I most want to say to you is don’t turn off that hope.
That hope is who you are. It’s how you live. It’s so much a part of everything that’s so wonderful and beautiful and precious within you. It’s what makes you that beautiful, hopeful, inspiring woman you are.
Yes, it's someone just like you with all that hope that can inspire in others that same kind of hope in themselves. And so many other things.
Because when you find yourself with someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s capable of the only type of love and relationship you want for your life – the real kind – you’ll find just how much that hope becomes one of your most beautiful qualities instead.
"I didn’t work so hard, and continue to each day to live a sober life to be in half a relationship that exists only on his terms."
Your words are so telling here. They speak of a strength and a courage and a resolve to refuse to settle for less than you know in your heart you deserve. They speak to what you've been through; to that knowing part of you that knows what it feels like to try to pretend you can live with someone else's terms, only to find out the truth. That few of us ever can. And none of us can ever do this well.
There's a reason you came back from that beautiful time spent in a bubble at the beach and couldn't go back to anything less than that. You're not meant to. There's so much more to life than that. There's so much more to a love relationship than a part-time kind of love.
It doesn't feel right because it isn't right for you.
You're so very right that there's so much on his end that you don't have any control over, but there's everything you have control over on yours.
Start by looking beyond the hope and asking yourself what's real. What's really there? What can he offer you that's real? What can he offer you that's consistent? What can he offer you that will last longer than a vacation, longer than some temporary time away from the real kind of everyday life we all eventually return to, spent in a bubble?
And most importantly, Kim, what can he offer you that you need, that you want for your life, that you desire?
Take a good, clear look at him.
Not the him that you were just on vacation with. Not the side of him that he can't consistently deliver. But the real him.
Take in all the potential that you can see so well. Allow yourself to see and feel and embrace it all. Write about it. Write about how you're feeling when you go there, when you think about him in light of his potential and your hope.
And then compare that with the everyday real version of him.
Ask yourself if you really want to spend your life living for that kind of potential. Because that's exactly what we sign ourselves up for when we let that potential and hope override reality.
You need more than potential, more than hope, more than an idea of what could be for you to base a real kind of relationship on. This is when everyone's on their best behavior, in the beginning of a relationship when you're first getting to know each other.
It's when we put our best selves forward and reveal the best version of who we are.
He's not a bad person. You don't have to feel like you have to make him out to be. But that doesn't mean he's got what you need. It doesn't mean he's capable of giving you what you deserve. And more importantly, it doesn't mean he's going to get there anytime soon, or anytime at all.
Can you live with that?
That's the bigger question to ask yourself. Can you live with the reality of who he is right now, without anything changing, without anything more than what he is and has to offer you right now? Take that step back and see him. I know you want to help him. I know you want to save him on some level, especially since you've so courageously taken that step to do your own work and save yourself. It's so hard to not want to help him get there to. But this one's got to be his, Kim.
His own work. His own choice. His own decision.
You can't take it on for him. This isn't your role to play.
Keep choosing you. Keep looking at your own progress and seeing just how far you've come. And how much is still to come for you living this new life based on nothing less than what's real.
Keep looking at the reality instead of the fantasy we're so drawn to make someone's potential into. We make love out of nothing at all and keep calling it love, when it's anything but what love is all about. I'm glad that you're enrolled in the Weekly Love Steps program, because in it I cover all this (and more) along with exactly what you need to do, step by step.
And through it all, always remember - love isn't about playing the martyr, it's about being loved. And you deserve nothing less.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our dear friend Kim should do in this situation? Share you're thoughts and any words of encouragement with us in the comments!
When a man starts disappearing in your life and popping back up, normally it's only for his benefit.
Now I get folks are busy, I do that sometimes and I may forget to contact someone or I get caught up in my own busy world. So some guys, I give a little space to and I'll allow them room to get stuff together. But when a man is constantly MIA, it's because he is either playing with your feelings or trying to tame his own.
I just dealt with the most heartwrenching situation. A man did this to me. Called him disappearing acts. He did it for an entire year. There were periods when he'd hit me up all the time, multiple times a day. Then he'd go ice cold for days, one time almost two weeks.
Things started to go sour, he told me he did not want a relationship, this is all while still working with me on projects (making money off of my talents), using my car, having sex with me, and getting free tickets from me. I knew, because he never hid the fact, that he was dealing with me and multiple women. He was a sloppy, lazy, womanizing jerk who cared about nobody and nothing but himself.
He always had a different line when I asked for more or when I called him out. The last time he went MIA, I rode that wave and decided not to answer the phone anymore after that. He went ballistic! You would have thought I'd been gone for years. This selfish control freak could not handle it. lol.
I got all of the I miss you's and I love you's and howcome we don't hang out, blahh blahh blahh! He even popped up at my house unannounced when I did not answer the phone for a week.
Then when it looked like I was giving in, he quickly went right back to the jerk mode. I knew this was coming, and I let loose on him. I told him I was aware of his selfish ways, how he was doing me, I told him how much he hurt me, and then I told him about my new relationship and how he has to get the heck on out of my life, FOR GOOD!
He was having none of that. I gave this jerk a dose of his own medicine. Now he knows how it feels to lose. To feel abandoned and hurt. Now I took back my own life. He still tried to say he did not want to be in a relationship. He even tried to act like that part of our lives never even existed. Tried to make me feel like I was delusional or silly for even bringing it up. But I slapped him down and moved on with my life. I know what a great catch I am, and I refuse to sit by and allow some fool to take me for granted or use me for a temporary chick until he finds who or what he wants.
He is currently STILL trying to get back in my good graces but now, I REFUSE to entertain it. I did love him so much at one time and I still do. But I love my sanity more.
"But I love my sanity more" - This says it all, Wise Chick. Thank you!
Thank you all for taking the time to leave comments and share your own stories and advice with me. I was shocked my letter to Jane became a blog post. Since writing the letter, I was struggling to stay strong as more tragedy occurred in his life and I stayed "on call" when he asked me to be patient and said after so much loss he couldn't loose me too. Still he keeps disappearing, but this time during his absences I started doing the work with Jane's weekly love steps (and lots of prayer, meditation and yoga) and have stopped the cycle and ended my on-call, non-relationship finally!
Thank you for all the hope!
I'm so glad you were able to find within yourself the strength to do not what anyone else told you to do, but to do the most loving thing you can do for you. Thank you so much for this update, Kim. Your letter was so inspiring - and so relevant! - I wanted you to feel the outpouring of love and support for you.
HI Kim
In term s of embracing your recovery you sound so resolved and so far ahead of the game I think there is very real hope for you to turn things around so that you attract the love you deserve KIm.Having been in AA clearly you will know the pangs of what it feel like to be addicted to a substance and I think the love game is really no different .
I think when a man is not truely committed to you and your well being and the relationship but he himself is having trouble letting go those little bates they spin us to keep us hooked in turning up suddenly out of the blue after doing the disappearing trick yet again confessing heart felt love telling us they miss us and spinning those sweet little lines to hook us back in again Its an adrenalin hit not unlike playing the pokies where the machine makes all the right noises we keep investing our dollars on the off chance we will get the thrill and the win of some sort of jackpot payola
I think the sad thing to be confronted in this game and it is a power game make no mistake on his part is that if he was really truely there for us unreservedly and wholeheartedly committed to the relationship would we still want him or having got what we thought we wanted with him would we feel suddenly bored by the peaceful placid predictable nature of it all and miss the adrenalin rush and the thrill of living on he loves me/he loves me not knife edge
I feel this man is presenting you with a chance to get clear about what you really dont want in your life and making a stand for what you do want and you sound strong and resolved and on the way to detoxing and getting this addiction for this guy out of your system
Definately recommend lots of self nuturance Kim massage energy work reiki and alternative healing modalities like meditation and yoga etc that can help you shift emotional pain energies and help see you through to a more positive place
You go girl. You can do it
Wendy
Thank you for adding this, Wendy. Your insight and recommendations are much appreciated. We all can do it.
"Don't turn off that hope." I love that, and it's just what I needed to read. I am working now to get past a very hurtful (and HOPEFULLY last) non-relationship that I wanted to be so much more. I have felt what Kim wrote about, wanting to just get rid of that hope. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, he would see how great we could be. But as I read Jane's words about not tossing out hope, but placing it where it belongs, really spoke to me. Thank you. I am now starting to see that my ability to hope makes me wonderful and that I can share that gift with people that really need it.
To Kim, keep pushing forward and please keep keep holding onto you first. You have made great strides in taking back your life from addiction, and will soon enough find that person that not only you can love and support where needed, but will love and support you in return on your journey.
So glad these words spoke to you, Natalie. It's that "Placing it where it belongs" part that so many of us have been missing, trying to eradicate what seems to only hurt us time and time again, when all we do by this is convince ourselves there's one more thing wrong with us. But now you know more.
Girl you are going on the right path you need to take care of yourself trust your intuition , you deserve the best do you think this the best...!!!
Pray about it ask Jesus to lead you into the right path and have faith.. He will answer your prayers love is not every thing he needs to respect your decision and will... You have to be hundred percent sure that this what makes you happy it's about you...!!!! Don't waste your energy and time if you have doubts about it.... God will give you what you deserve ... At the right time ... My prayers take one day at time....Jesus knows what you want tell him and he will dilever... At the right time... Best wishes
Thank you, Maha.
This is crazy that I'm in a similiar situation...My guy is handsome, great personality, loving but lazy. He is a 44 year old disabled (nothing visable) veteran, gets a check and gloats on not having to work. Our relationship so far has been very physical (sexual)but mentally & spiritually we differ somewhat. However, he likes to communicate and the more we spend time together the closer we get. He has mentioned marriage several times and says I'm the perfect girl for him but I am so confused...he disappears too!
So you're seeing what works for him, Stacee. Use this as information to see if this also works for you, or use his disappearing time to do something for you! Whatever you do, don't take his actions personally; it's never, ever as personal as it seems!
Hi Jane
I really enjoyed reading this article. This seems to be such a common problem with woman today with the disappearing man.
I think Karen is spot on. Good on her for trying to confront him for his jerk behaviour.I went out with a man who kept saying ring you back in a tick and then would take hours to get back. It was the most fustrating non relationship I ever had. I finally got rid of him.
I think a lot of woman fall for the fun and charm of these men and get played.
I beleive as woman we should hold back from getting too intimate with a man until you know he is exclusive and committed .
I agree, Gabriella. "It was the most frustrating non relationship I ever had." Non-relationships are exactly that for the one who actually wants a real relationship.
I just hit it off with a guy in another state who made me laugh more than I've ever laughed with anyone! He was witty, fun, sexy, handsome, talented, etc., everything I thought I was looking for. He kissed me on our second date and tried to go further on our third, but I put the brakes on, all within a fours days weekend. Before I left, we were calling each other "honey," "babe", etc. Then a few days later, five days go by with no text, phone call, email, etc. No " Happy Easter"... So I text him asking if he has a minute to talk. He says give him a few minutes and he'll call me back. Well, thirty minutes go by! That's the way he's been from the start...says he'll call back in 15 minutes and four hours later he finally calls! So I text him again... Give me five minutes... Well time ran out, Buddy! I've never chased a guy and I'm not starting now. When we finally talked and I confronted him about how it only takes a few seconds to text someone, he hung up on me! Now, tell me, is that a boy or a man? Women to him are obviously dispensable. If you are too busy and don't have a few seconds to text someone you were attracted to enough to want to have sex with, then you are just way too busy for me, bucko. You teach people how to treat you and since I clearly stated I was looking for an attentive man, this guy isn't even putting his best foot forward. So if he acts like this NOW, he is unlikely to change and I deserve better so bye bye jerk. Yes, he was fun and made me laugh, but anyone can do that for one weekend! And it's clear he lacks the maturity to deal with any confrontation, so I'm glad I figured this out sooner, rather than later and waste more of my life with this loser.
He was just out for a good time, not a serious, mature, deep relationship. Actions speak louder than words, so I have no room in my heart for an inattentive man. That's a deal breaker. Plus, the real deal breaker was when he tried to get in my pants on the third date! Sheesh, show a little self control, dude. What's my middle name? What color are my eyes? What's my favorite movie? Bet he couldn't answer one of those questions. A REAL man knows what he wants, will not go days without communicating no matter how busy their life is, and will take the time it takes to invest getting to KNOW you! Women often settle for less or think they are being too needy when they expect certain things when, in reality, we are just deserving of respect. If you don't feel this way, then it's probably due to your parents not being as attentive as they should have been. So now you're trying to win his love and approval to fix that unresolved childhood need that was never met. I've figured this out, so after second-guessing myself about this man, I faced the truth that he really is just a boy. Well, ladies, I don't have time for boys, I need and DESERVE a man! You do, too!
Thank you for sharing your story, Karen. "Yes, he was fun and made me laugh, but anyone can do that for one weekend!" - Exactly! And oh how much more than that you deserve!
I struggle with this over someone who I thought had such great potential with me and who I thought brought out the best me but it turned outbut somehow he played on the weakest parts of me. To this day my only truth is that I have no idea if he lied to me about so many things and the more I think about this, the more negative I feel toward myself. One extremely important fact is that you need to look into all of your relationships and how you deal with people in general and any other man
oh that potential, Mags; you're not the first and you won't be the last to go there. "To this day my only truth is that I have no idea if he lied to me about so many things and the more I think about this, the more negative I feel toward myself." - So don't go back there anymore; don't allow yourself to think about something - or someone - that brings up such a negative impression of yourself. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time, Mags, and if he lied to you, it was because of him and his own inability to communicate in a truthful way with you and nothing to do with you.