You know all those songs about being grateful that you didn't get what you wanted (think: Beyonce, The Best Thing I Never Had)?
Well, there's a reason.
Because when this is all over, this "going through" process that you're trying so hard not to fight right now, you'll be writing your own version of this song.
This isn't just about a relationship, it's about your life.
It's about being able to trust what you didn't believe you could. It’s about seeing things for yourself in the only way we ever really learn those real lessons in life. By going through them firsthand.
Those are the lessons that we never forget.
I understand all too well just how hard it can be to believe that, and how tired we can be of hearing our well-meaning friends and family offer the empty promises with words like “it’s going to get better soon”.
And then we wait.
And wait.
And still nothing changes. Or so we think.
But oh how much is going on that we’re not even aware of! There are so many changes happening that we can’t yet see. Maybe not now in real time, but look back and see how it was always a piece of the puzzle coming together.
The call that never comes. That committed relationship he never gets to.
Why not? We ask. Why didn't he want to call? Why can’t he commit to us the way we’re so ready to commit to him? Were we not good enough? Were we too much of something or not enough of something else?
Or was it getting us closer to seeing something we otherwise couldn't have seen? What if it was the only way? Would we feel the same way then?
It seems the easiest thing to blame ourselves, to go down that road where the absence of what we long to call love - of this person who shows so much potential - becomes all about us and our own lack. What does everyone else seem to have that we don’t?
Stop right there, Beautiful. Don’t even think of going there.
Can you see the rest of the story? Can you see what life would have been like over there? Not the way we always imagine it to be, in the fairy tale that only exists in our own romantic minds, but in the reality of what life with what you think you wanted so much would have really been like.
Today, tomorrow and the next day after that.
Could it ever really have been that amazing? That good – for you? Could he ever really have changed, have gotten on your page, have been able to give you what only you saw the potential for him to give?
No, of course not.
When we have the gift of hindsight, which is the only place from where we can see the true reality of what actually was and not just what we imagined it could be, we finally see the bigger picture and not through those rose-colored glasses of our own hopes and dreams that see only what we want it to be.
And what was the reality there? Was there love? Was there a two-way relationship with two people on the same page who were able to give to each other the way love is meant to be? And what of the ones that we let get away? Was it worth beating ourselves up like that over what we could have or should have done differently?
And what of the ones who let us get away, were they really as amazing as we remember them? Did the ones who never could find the time for us suddenly grow up into the ones who would be willing to find time for a family? Did the ones who couldn’t commit to us suddenly turn into the loving husbands and dads who knew where the real priorities in life lie?
Did the ones we had to be dragged away from, kicking and screaming, when we wanted only to run back into arms that were never open to us in the first place, did they turn into arms that would have opened wider if we only gave them another decade or two of our lives?
The stories we tell ourselves and try to convince ourselves only lead to one thing; the proliferation of the idea that we somehow know better than someone or something that sees the bigger picture and leads us toward what is in our best interest in the long run. Whether it’s God, the Universe, the infinite spirit, or whatever your particular belief happens to be, you can trust there’s a reason for this, too.
Look back at what you've already been through – and what you now know.
I can’t tell you how hard I fought to keep the very men who could never, ever have been the men for me if I knew then what I know now. But fight I did. I wasn't going to be the one to let them go. Until, finally, one by one, I couldn't hold on any longer.
Until eventually, the one who I didn't need to let go of was right there in front of me. The irony was, of course, that he was the only one I didn't find myself fighting for because there was no reason to.
And so it will be for you, too, no matter how far away that seems to you right now with whatever it is you're going through. When you look back on this day, in a different place and time, you'll look back with gratitude. Not just any kind of gratitude, but the real kind that you feel deep within, with the knowing that comes from having seen this for yourself.
When that day comes, I promise you, you’ll be singing a similar song, too.
What about you? What are you grateful for today with the gift of hindsight? Or what are you still struggling to see? Share it with us in the comments!
This article is very encouraging. Right now I'm in the hard and painful spot of having ended a situation of getting to know someone who was wrong for me. I'm in the phase where nothing can make it feel better right now because it is still too recent. I also know for sure that continuing spending time with him would have led to more and more pain. I am so hopeful and so looking forward to the day I can look back on this with happiness and gratitude. I hope that day comes soon and I feel confident it will come someday.
It will, Audrey! It will!
If i look through were I have been and where I am now, it just came to me, whilst getting ready for bed, how great it would be just to be comfortable in my own skin. I have a therapist since 2 months and it is all coming together, saying goodbye to my old ways, being kind for myself, keeping my heart warm, but also facing my own issues with dependency and fear of being with someone on the right page. I recognize that I am not there either, despite my years of trying to catch the non-committers, it all meant a way out of real life and real love. And there it just was, some feeling of how great this could be, if i don't give up on myself, if i really can build on me and from there meat others, friends, colleagues and lover(s). It's a great chance, and I am taking it! Thank you Jane, for all that you are.
Aw, Rose. Thank you for your beautiful words. I wrote a post about exactly this - being comfortable in your own skin. It sounds like it's all coming together for you in your own way and time - the only way it ever does in a way that's lasting and real to you. 🙂
Thanks for another interesting article!
I have just been betrayed and lied to for almost a year. It hurts so much. I told the guy I loved I was not an average girl, I dont have a bit of fun with men and was afraid of falling for him...but he still invaded my life, my heart and made me believe all his lies. He even stole money from me in the end as he never paid back all what he owned and now...I'm heart broken, sad and suddenly feel like I missed the train. At 35 I am not getting any younger and I feel like I'm too tired to get back to the dating game. I mean I was never there anyways and it didnt suit me. So now I feel even more lost. My friends want me to go out and check out guys but you know what; there are so many other beautiful girls out there that why would I even bother to compete...
I dont want to give up on love and I will not but maybe the time for having a family will past...I dont know...sure I have plenty of time but I was single before for 7 years until I met the guy I thought was the love of my life only to get cheated and lied at. So why would it be different now.
That's what I am asking and that's what I am afraid of...
-Annie
P.S. I was so happy on my own just before I met him and now I am lost and sad.
Hi, Annie.
I'm very sorry you had to go through so much pain.
Please don't lose hope. Do not internalize this as being your fault or blaming men for this. I know it's hard to pull through, but you're strong enough to get through this.
Just wanted to send you some words of encouragement. I hope you feel better soon. Big hug.
oh Annie I know how much that can hurt. Feel every single one of your feelings; they're real and they're part of the healing process and deserve to be felt. But at the same time, know that our love relationships are where we take our work on the road and discover something more about ourselves. It's never a failure or anything you did "wrong", it's this beautiful part of ourselves that shows us more about who we are at our core. I know just how hard it is to see this when it's so fresh and you're filled with so many regrets and harsh judgments of yourself, but you deserve so much more from you.
Don't look at anyone else and compare yourself with them. It's never about anything as surface as looks, it's about what's underneath and what's real. There's so much more to finding someone and being with someone who's truly right for you that transcends anything as surface as looks, and that's the only kind of love you want. Don't give up! Don't let your heart be hardened over someone's actions that had nothing to do with you by someone who wasn't capable of giving you what you so deserve. There's still something more, something here for you, no matter how hard it is to see that right now.
Hi Jane,
I just found your website today and I wish I found it alot sooner, I stumbled across it 4 hours ago and I am still reading through. I wanted to reach out an thank you for all the people you are helping. I know this pain all to well and I have wriiten you a post this morning, explaining my situation. I hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks again for the website and the advise. I am already addicted.
Lynne
Thanks for your kind words, Lynne. I hope you're seeing you're not alone. And I'm so glad you found your way here! 🙂
1000000000000000000000000 ♥♥♥ it Ms.Jane
this master piece is wonderful...i still praying that one day i'm gonna sing this Song too...
"What goes around comes back around" i hope it true..
And you will, Kristine; your own version of your own story. You deserve nothing less!
Hi Jane, I wanted to thank you for your inspirational newsletters, they have gotten me through some difficult times. I have been through quite a lot the past 7 yrs .7 yrs. ago I became widowed after 33 yrs. of a good marriage. My husband had been very sick for 5 yrs. before passing. Shortly after my mother became sick and needed constant care. She recently passed a few months ago. Also my daughter this past year was in a terrible house fire which she was severely burned and was in ICU for 9 mos. She will need ongoing plastic surgeries for some time to come. Three yrs. ago I met Jim who I fell in love with. He claims he loves me as well. During the past three yrs. there were many red flags which indicated he was a commitment phobic. He travels for his line of work and from the beginning of the relationship there was minimal contact while he was away. He was always evasive and avoided certain questions, although I put across to him delicately so it would not put him on the defensive although communicated to him how I felt. in a positive way. It has been two months since I broke up with him. I found out that he was seeing someone in Florida (although he claims it was a business type relationship, but had been intimate with her) he said he was sorry he lied to me, but no mention of any regret or working it out. Only mentioned that he couldn't me anything. Last I knew we exclusive. ( He was divorced twice, many years ago, and before he met me, he was engaged 4 times) I was devastated by his cheating and lack of feeling that he did anything wrong. He said we could still get together for dinner, I told him he should focus in on what he needed to focus in on. (supposed he used as an excuse his need to find another job, how could he plan a future when he didn't know where he would be or if he was able to find a job although he currently has one). When my mother passed away he was in florida that weekend and didn't come right back until the funeral. I am so upset that he was probably with that woman when I really needed him. If he loved me that much and he knows how I feel and what I am looking for (soulmate) Although he never promised me marriage, he misled me when there were opportunities to be honest. I am doing a little better and trying to get out a little (difficult with my work schedule) and focus on myself. Now I hope that this trust issue won't carry over in future relationships I have really related to a lot you write about and feel good while reading, but feeling very alone. I feel that he probably didn't even feel the pain I have experienced and has probably moved on as I have not heard from him. I do know I really wasn't happy in a part time relationship only on his terms. I look forward to reading all your articles as it really helps. Corinne
Aw, thank you, Corinne. Your words mean so much. I'm so sorry for all these losses you've experienced. I know it can't be easy going through this. It's the little steps that mean as much as the big ones; just getting out more and focusing on yourself matter. You're not alone, no matter how much it feels that way. When you meet someone you can trust, you'll test it slowly and take your time because of what you've learned. That's how we come to see this for ourselves; by going through and being open to seeing what we need to see. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be loved. Don't settle for anything that doesn't give you that.
Thank you for your wonderful support Zmistsc. It is not easy. This is someone I really fell in love with, and gave a lot of energy. He kept leading me on, and there is no official closure. Perhaps there never will be, but I could conclude that the lack of communication for so long clearly suggest that. I know what I say I have to do. I am putting those wheels in motion, and I already know the journey won't always be without a hitch , bump or snag. The important thing tho, is that I be on that journey. Even if he should come back around, (like most ladies have reported, they find themselves back) I will not be able to feel the same. The trust issue would have been lost, and I would definitely feel like and Option. I have seen and read those thoughts you shared many times, about the different people who cross your paths, and what they contributed. In this instance, I learn not to wear love on my sleeves...and quickly confide in people. Things change, people change!
Usually it is hard to accept another person's treatment of you, if you are quite the opposite. We have to remember that what we think are right and conscionable....is totally different from another. I know Real Love is out there. Not necessarily looking for it just yet This really hurtful one has slowed up the process... Need to do me, but I trust it will come, or I will find it someday.
Again, thank you for the sisterly love. God Bless Z!
Dolly ... I am SO VERY PROUD of you!!! You are DOING IT!! FABULOUS, AWESOME!!!! There are many, many steps, moments in this journey!!! YOUR journey!!! AND YOU ARE doing it!!! These are YOUR steps, YOUR moments for YOU!!! Treating YOU the same way you want others to treat YOU!! You ARE BEAUTIFUL!! FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY MADE!!! WAY TO GO!!!! I AM CHEERING YOU ON!!! GO GIRL...YOU GO GIRL!!! WHOOOHOOOO!!! YES!!!
I would like to share with YOU, Dolly and ALL of US ... JOURNEY SISTERS ... from someone unknown.. perhaps someone just like us - similar - yet UNIQUE, different ... travelling on her (or... his) own journey step-by-step, moment by moment ... and it goes like this:
"In LIFE, you will realize there is a role for everyone you meet. Some will test you. Some will use you. Some will love you. -and- Some will teach you. The ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in you. They are the rare and amazing people who remind you, WHY it's all worth it!!"
BEAUTIFUL ... FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY MADE!!! WHOOOOHOOOO!
I am gratefull for my healthy brains and body, which I use every seconde!
I am wiser and know myself better, I can say I have more piece in my heart .
I am not rich , but I have enough to live and do sometimes a hobby or
Go out. I am gratefull for nature.
I am learning to see. When I don t have a date and a boyfriend, to not feel
Sad or dissapointed. I have moments where I see it and feel emotional. I have to
Get my period (me struation). I have learned i can get in this fase be more
Sensetive.
I now don t run from it. I feel kind of empty without a partner. But in another way
i know "he" is out there. I am loveable. Still learning to look to this with kindness and
Embrace it.
Thank you for sharing these beautiful words for yourself, Maris. You're seeing just how far you've come! 🙂
"I can't make you love" has been on replay, and I can't help it. I knew it was for the best when I decided to walk away from two and half years blissful time and a wonderful guy who unfortunately had major issues in commitment. But nothing makes it easier. I've been reading your article on guys with commitment issue like a bible, and please keep sharing your wisdom. Thank you. PS moving on is really hard...
Hello LG. i understand what you are going through. Just continue to work on you and what makes you happy. After sometime, no just yet, you will realized you both not on the same page. I've learned that from Jane. Thank god for her wisdom and this website!
Thanks for your kind words Denise. It's a work in progress but I'm working on it. With the holiday season upon us, it could easily be the best and worst timing.
Hello Jane. Funny. I went on another date, since I'm trying to put myself out there. We just met for coffee. All the things we've been speaking about here for weeks now, I put into motion. Normally, in the past, I would be thrilled that someone was interested in me. Now, I sit back. I met for coffee and let him talk (I usually let them talk). This was a little different. We had lots to talk about, he was funny, smart, and I learned much about him. Remember, I said in the past and still am, a bit reserved. It's who I am. I did not pretend to be anyone but myself, because I know eventually the person will truly know who you are, so NO GAMES. On the whole, he appears very nice. I saw a few little red flags though (for me, maybe not another woman). On some plane, we are on the same page, yet I'm trying not to fool myself. He smart, cute, financial stable, many pluses. I did not give him my number. I told him I will be in touch. The thing is he can be a little raw in conversation, which makes me a bit uncomfortable. I have to think on this. Again, maybe another woman it would not bother, for me it's total discomfort. I have to thank you Jane for just being here. I have to ponder this one this evening. I'm trying Jane, I met him and meeting him was the furtherest thing from my mind. I was on a deli line. Go figure.
Thank you Jane. That realization actually came like a beam of lighting when i read your post and gave it some thought. The reason for asking myself the question. ...and therefore arriving at the answer. All along, I was hoping for change, and buying into the busy excuses. It is true that when you see potential, and have expectations. ..you really dismiss reality that is staring you right in the face. I didn't even think of the beginning, how everything was sweet and felt good, how we had developed a pattern of calling to the point where this man couldn't get me on the phone, he would almost call in the national guard. So when things changed I guess i chose to live in denial and hoping things would get back to square one. Perhaps i would have thrown in the towel long ago, if i wasnt getting wooed into being closer in location...and told all these luvvy duvvy things. Mixed signals you could say. Now that the bigger reality sets in, that i am not far from him, and he don't show he values me, nor the sacrifice I made...I can now see a clearer picture, and that is distance didn't matter. Don't understand it. I may never do, but I have to accept as much as it hurts. Its as Zmistc said..."He does not walk the talk". Absolutely! So yes, if you hardly keep your word as a man now....how do I trust you, even in bigger things? Its already broken. So tho hard, I realize I need to pick up the broken pieces. I was feeling just like Jane alluded. He is looking for someone to fall back on. I will show him, I am Nobodys Option. I have told him that but not behaving like I said, by continuing to hope. So this does not feel good, and I must accept the Here and Now, realizing its an indication of the future. Sometimes us women hold on senselessly for too long...and its blogs like these, that really reinforces and bring things to the fore....things we have a gut feeling about, but did nothing about. So thank you for your insight. Yes Z, only he knows the REAL reason for his actions that i may never know. My conscience is clear. I am a beautiful human being. I have done. nothing to deserve this treatment....so I will do as suggested in many of Jane's and other relationship expert posts...Love myself, and fill my life with meaningful things...take the focus off this, and focus on me. It will start off rocky, bcas i am choked up as I write, but i know it can only get better, than to stay in this emotional dump. Thanks so Much!! Grateful for all the feedback and experiences shared.
Hi Dolly Your real life HERE and NOW with this man has touched me and how my heart hurts for you. This man "does not walk the talk" for whatever reason(s) and why? Only he knows! Trust me, he does KNOW the answer to that question regardless whether he chooses to share the answer with honesty and truth to anyone - himself, you or others or not... and sadly, there is probably absolutely nothing you have done or said or can say or do here and now or in the future... to change that fact. He has his own journey to take and is accountable for his choices. There are myriad of reasons (and to some may be interpreted as "excuses") that you and I and others can speculate as to WHY? someone (he) chooses to say words and yet, the (his) actions do not match up. Is this REALLY the person - the MAN you want in your mind, heart, body and soul - sharing your HERE and NOW? That is a question only YOU can answer for YOU!
I would like to share with YOU just a small amount of insight that through these last 2 years since my own 9-11 day came and I have struggled to stay in the HERE and NOW. Never blame anyone in your life. Good people give you happiness. Bad people give you experience. Worst people give you a lesson. AND the BEST people give you memories. Don't see everyone's flaws. Don't listen to everything you're told. Don't speak if it's not kind. Always look for the good in people. Not everything is truth. Only speak words of kindness. Everything is permissible but is it beneficial? - helpful, useful, valuable, positive, of use - in building one up? Each one of us are unique and have been given the gift of choice no matter what life - people - experiences - hands us - good or bad, happy or sad, right or wrong ... to CHOOSE how to respond to what life - people - experiences hand to us! That is a true blessing!!!
And finally, Dolly ... such a wonderful, happy, joyous name!!! My Mother's nickname since a small infant. For many people that touched and entered her life, they did not know her given name until the day of her funeral. Some shared their dismay that they did not know Dolly was not her given name - using these words to express their love for and of her - wonderful woman, always happy, a joy to be around - Dolly (a vision, gift of God)!!!!
So beautifully said, Zmistsc. Thank you so much for this.
Aha! Another article that is on point. Jane you are very sensible and helpful. I am glad I came across your blogs. Makes me think as i go over those questions....and I was answering them as I read with a No No No, or once in while a maybe. So I agree if he is not responding to us women positively in the HERE and NOW, why are we waiting for him to do so in the future? If he is not committing to us in the HERE and NOW, what makes us think he will in the future? I realize its enough for me to see and predict the future life I could have with a man who behaves so poorly. Jane I have this man tell me we cant have a great relationship being long distance. He claimed I was the one for him, and how he loved me... that if he did not he wouldn't even bother with me. Tell me so many times to return to him. So I moved for other reasons as well, but yes with also some expectations, just to also see how much of what he said would be true. Well in almost 4 months I am here, he visited once. Have not heard anything in six weeks since, except a response to a text explaining how he has been out of the country and around the country on business, how he is exhausted and blah blah, apologizing for the stress he has caused... still have not picked up the phone 2wks later. Communication has always been a problem, and I find it very disrespectful that he keeps me out the loop. Even during the time he says he is away, I see him on and off social media, but he never care to say Hi or respond to a msg. I don;t know if he is social media savvy or if he don't care whether I see him on or not. I have since sent him a lengthy text, telling him just how I feel....He still has not called back or wrote back....but he is even more frequent on social media,,,,even wee hours of the morning. Perhaps he is still playing the field, reeling more fishes in at his age. I don't like to pass judgement, but I wouldn't think he would conduct so much business on social media. I asked him about it once, and he said there are coworkers he have to keep in touch with via those means. So that's what lead me to agree and reiterate my HERE and NOW questions in the beginning. What are your thoughts Jane and friends? Doesn't this kind of situation calls for a LET GO? I feel no love, and his sorry busy job excuses don't add up anymore. I feel if he really wanted a relationship, he would make the time. As Elisia asked ..Isn't .Love enough for commitment? This man told me so many times he loves me...the problem is, he may not understand what love is. Your thoughts?
I'm so glad you found your way here, Dolly! And I hear how much you're struggling over this man. But if you look at what you've written here, you've answered your own questions. "I realize its enough for me to see and predict the future life I could have with a man who behaves so poorly". Exactly, Dolly!
You deserve so much more than what you're putting up with and in your heart of hearts you do see this clearly. The biggest indicator of someone's future behavior is exactly what you're seeing right now. Yes, people always have the potential for change, but they have to be motivated, they have to want to,and what reason does he have when he can always fall back on you? Ask yourself why you want to be with someone where you "feel no love" where his "sorry busy job excuses don't add up anymore", where "in almost 4 months I am here, he visited once"? Is there really anything worth any of this that being with someone like this can possibly give you?
This makes so much sense. My ex husband who I still loved just recently remarried the woman that split us up. It has been torture. But I know that our relationship was not the greatest, but I never imagined he would do this. I was the only one clinging and hanging on by a thread. I know this is for the best, but it so heartbreaking to see. Maybe someday I will find someone who wants to love me as much as I want to love someone.
When you come to see him for the real person he is, with flaws and faults that even you couldn't change, you'll start to see others for what they have to offer you, Brandi, and not that they're not him. But when this happens, when you're in it, there is nothing that derails our progress quite like seeing this person we built our hopes and dreams around moving on without us. Don't fight the feelings that come up for you; it's part of the grieving process, the acceptance process where we choose to accept the reality that is - however much it hurts - rather than keep hanging on to the fantasy of what it "could have been" that only exists in our own minds.
As my 2 year relationship with her ended, she was saying and doing things that I see now but did not then, as her way of expressing her silent anger with me. Subtle. She was upset that I had answered friends request to make plans by letting them know I wanted to do things with them but I could not get her into it. She said and did things last Christmas that now make sense. They were meant to hurt me. And those she had shared her anger with could see her hurting me. My late father would have been disappointed in my bringing this person into my life and heart.
I am fortunate that the rest of my life will not be spent with someone with such vindictiveness and hard heartedness. I was so trusting of her, I did not really know her. Extracting myself and my feelings from the relationship has been scaring. The time I have spent trying to understand and piecing together the hidden messages and why what was said was said tells me that the time I can dismiss what happened as really not that important - has not come just yet.
You're seeing this more clearly though, Wayne, and that's huge. From what you've said here, it sounds like she turned her own fears and insecurities on you, instead of facing and dealing with them herself. Take a closer look at your comment about your late father being disappointed with you. That may be something you're carrying here that isn't yours to take on. He didn't walk in your shoes. He couldn't have. But if he had, how do you know he wouldn't have taken the same chance on someone like her as you did? Don't be so hard on yourself, we all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
Good morning Jane =)
Your articles always helped me ,since I found your site about 2 years ago, and for that I am grateful!
I noticed something while reading the stories you posted previously; these women often say "he told me he loves me or I know/believe he loves me but..(insert why he's not ready for next step or whatever)" and I get it that there is really no way of knowing what the other person is feeling (only judging by their actions we'd know, I think).
However, I think that is not love when a man/woman says they love another but "not ready, unsure etc for commitment" because as my dad said, "love is enough" for commitment and going down life's journey. He has a point(?). It's not as though a person loves every man or woman he or she meets in their life time or dating. Wouldn't it make sense if you do love a person you'd want to spend your life with them?
Shouldn't love be enough for wanting a life/commitment with the other person? What do you all think?
So glad these articles are helping you, Elisia. Thank you for your kind words! You bring up a great question here that I hear so often in my coaching practice as well. It's exactly the question that so many of us struggle with on such a deep level - if someone says they love us, why can't they follow through with a commitment? The reason why we can't understand this or reconcile how it is possible to behave in such a contradictory manner, is because it doesn't make any sense to those of us who are capable of both. But we're not them. We can't understand what it's like to walk in their shoes. Because love isn't enough if their issues around commitment and their comfort level around closeness - especially emotional closeness - are greater than their desire for love.
Back in the days when sexual intimacy outside of marriage wasn't so culturally accepted, most men overcame that struggle within themselves and chose to make a commitment in order to have that benefit, but in this day and age, with this no longer being the case, there isn't always the same motivation to look within oneself and figure out what's going on within themselves that prevents them from being comfortable with making a commitment. There is such a conflict within them, on the one hand saying and acting like they want the whole package, but on the other, needing more space and not being able or willing to get past their issues.
That's why they can say "I love you", because for that moment in time, they most certainly do. But in the next, they can't follow through because anything beyond that comfort level becomes something far deeper for them than even they can understand. They can't admit this to anyone, let alone themselves, because to do that would be to admit a weakness, and that's why we see so much more of the same - and often the shifting of responsibility for who's to blame - in an attempt to prove to themselves that they can get there, that they don't have a problem, that it's not really them, and that if only they could find the "right" person, they could commit in a heartbeat.
But of course, that "perfect person" that so many of us have unsuccessfully tried to be, never accomplishes this because it isn't about the appearance of that "perfect one", but of the illusion that this is about something outside of themselves and not the truth that it always has to come from within.
Hope that helps answer your question, Elisia. If you want to elaborate more on your specific situation, check out my "work with me" tab for details on my one-on-one coaching practice where I can work with you personally to get to the bottom of questions just like this! 🙂
Thank you for your time for responding! 🙂
It all makes sense. As you have said, in the quote below:
"Because love isn't enough if their issues around commitment and their comfort level around closeness - especially emotional closeness - are greater than their desire for love."
It's so great to have you and your blog around!
Have a great weekend Jane!
Thanks, Elisia. I'm so glad this resonated with you! 🙂
I know you wrote this some time ago Jane but I just stumbled across the article at a bit of a low point late on Valentine's Day, and this comment is just what I needed to hear! You so neatly explain something that I have long suspected (in my better moments, at least) - I am so tired of being scapegoated by men who refuse or struggle to look within when they come up against their barriers to commitment. I bumped into an ex today (yes, on Valentine's Day, *sigh*, yes, with a new woman) who had avoided working through those issues even when he was married (he told me he repeatedly cheated on her) and believed that if he found the right woman he would be able to be faithful. The most recent man blamed our apparent incompatibility on my 'neediness', 'vulnerability', 'sensitivity', desire to be safe (!) and so on. It is so refreshing to hear it named that the reason we struggle to understand why they would have a difficulty with commitment is because we don't have that same difficulty - that's so good to hear after having a shed load of blame placed on me from him, and from myself at times. Thank you 🙂
Exactly, Clairey. We're way too quick to accept that blame and give ourselves an even heavier load. So glad you found this right when you needed it most! 🙂
This article deeply resonated with me. This is where I am at. I'm in flux with a guy that I met several months ago. We seemed to be going down the same road in life and on the same page with a lot of things. We recently went through a challenging time and it's made me wonder if maybe we aren't in the same place , if ever we were. I guess I keep hoping for things to fall into place because I saw the potential, not the reality. Thank you for this reminder.
I'm so glad this helped you see things more clearly, Janet. It's that reality vs potential we see from our beautiful hearts and souls that gets us every single time.
'Until eventually, the one who I didn't need to let go of was right there in front of me. The irony was, of course, that he was the only one I didn't find myself fighting for because there was no reason to.'
Thanks for sharing this Jane. There's this guy who is right in front of me and yet I don't see myself giving him another chance instead here I am just ignoring him.. still looking and waiting for someone else to come but always wondered if he's really out there?
Glad this resonated with you, Elle. Can you break it down into what this "guy who is right in front of you" is all about? Like what are the pros and cons behind giving him another chance, and what are the reasons behind your ignoring him? Is it him? or is it you? Keep going until you find your clarity that tells you what you need to know - or do. Someone's out there, but where he is is entirely up to you. I'm happy to help you sort through this to make it more clear. 🙂
It's a shame.. But I'm still having problems seeing and accepted that vid been lied to for 5 years by someone who told me I was their best, I was their future wife , and they would spend the rest of their life with me. Somehow this same person could never be honest or faithful. Now that it's over , I still can't except that this person is not for me. Cause somewhere in my head I made him my husband already and made that mental commitment. Now to let it go.... God is my strength. But all bad things... Must and will come to an end
I hear the hurt you're feeling, Lola, and it can be so hard to see past that hurt. But when you accept that this was all this person was capable of, as hard as that is to accept, you set yourself free. We can continue to fight the reality of "what is" for as long as we choose to, but at some point, we have to decide if the story we tell ourselves of "what should have been" is worth the price we pay with our peace by choosing to hold on so tightly to it. If he was for you, he would still be with you. I know that's hard to hear, but you deserve so much more than what you're putting yourself through, for someone who isn't capable of giving you anything more than he did. You're worth more. But it's not enough for me to tell you that; you have to believe it for yourself and decide what purpose your story is serving you.
I Jane I love your emails. Their is no one in my life right now but my overall life is mess am struggling so hard right now because my families does not mean me well. I go to church every Sunday praying that god will send me a miracle. When ever I read your letters I understand that am not the only one going true this type of life but am still hanging on. Happy thanksgiving
Thank you, Shanakay. Know that I so hear you and understand what you're going through. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!
Hello Jane. I love your emails , just wanted to say that I am struggling with my feelings. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now , The first year was very rocky . The second year ok but not exactly what I want or expected . I want more , meaning I know i love him I believe he loves me to he does provide for me , does things for me , and can be such a sweet heart. He does make me laugh and smile occasionally . I want him in my future and could see me being with him long term . We currently live together but I also have my own place in another town that I keep for security reasons. I guess what I'm struggling with is , I want him to give me more loving attention , acknowledge me more , be more intimate with me . I just feel like he never shows me enough attention or affection. And it hurts my feelings . I do so much for him and show him I love him every day no matter what . He is very hard to read , it scares me sometimes. I don't know what to do !! I have told him how I feel but I feel like I'm nagging .. i want him to show me his feelings , dhow me he cares , his love and affection. Not just say babe I love you . It's not enough and I feel like he will never change ! So do I stay or do I go ? If I'm not truly happy do I just settle ? I'm a social person he's not . I love doing things and being with friends and family he does not .he wants me home doing nothing always with him . Help what do I do Jane ? Thank you Tabitha.
So you're seeing what he can give you and what he can't, Tabitha. What comes naturally from him of his own accord and what you have to try to get out of him. It sounds like there's so much more going on for you here, that there's some thing you're missing on a deeper level to do with you own fears and need for security. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, but pretending you can do this when you're miserable is no way to live. You know, deep down, more than you think you do. If you're not on the same page, you can pretend that you are, but in the end, the only person you're pretending to is yourself. Love and life are not meant to be lived convincing yourself you can do this if you can't. But accepting what you do get from him and asking yourself why it isn't enough for you, may tell you more than anything else.
Wow I'm going through and feeling almost the same as Tabitha, its driving me crazy because now he seems to be avoiding me but yet his clothes are still at my place and we are partners in a business and yes Jane there is more going on in my relationship and its addictions, I like to indulge in a couple beer after work some days and he has gambling, smoking and likes to drink too plus I think he has one other addiction...Yikes.. Should I stay or should I go...We have been on and off for 3 years and moved in together for a year of those. I have chased him away on a number of occasions and he comes back when I call him back but I get the feeling He won't one day but at the same time I feel Like I am just settling for less than I deserve..
Do what you can live with, Jackie, and not what you can't. There's always a reason we choose who we do - and it's never too late to choose again.
Hello Jane. How just on time you are with this wonderful e-mail I just opened and read three times. Yes, I and others have much to be thankful for (especially nearing Thanksgiving). It resonated in me like many of your encouraging words. I needed to hear what it said today. I want to thank you so much for being their and being supportive with such on the money thoughts and help. I'm still trying to find my way since not seeing my ":I don't know guy" if he wanted a relationship. I have not heard from him in two months, and i'm okay with that. It's over. I have used some of the wonderful advice that you and others on here have posted to help me through this dating and relationship journey. Went on date, never heard from him. It's okay. Years ago, I would have really beat myself up, I did not this time. Funny, just as I released that thought, I got a message from an old family friend (male) who would like to take me out on a date during the holidays. A very good man to say the least. I will go, because "You do have to circulate to eliminate" also. So, I'm taking all the advice and thoughts with me everyday on this journey of life. I may be with someone, I may not. Time will only tell. Thank you. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving to you and everyone on the site.
You're sweet, Denise. I'm so glad this resonated with you. We all need this reminder when we can't yet see it, to be reminded we're not alone and that, yes, we will have our own real life story where we will be able to see it so clearly too. What's coming through is how much you're seeing this so clearly for yourself - even if it doesn't always feel that way, I'm sure - and that is ok too! - and that's beautiful to see from here. 🙂 Have a wonderful Thanksgiving too - and enjoy your date!
Thank you for your comment Jane. As life would have it, my male friend "who didn't know" " about use taking it to another level wrote me on Thanksgiving. I surprised myself. I understand we are not on the same page now, so it was not difficult to write him a short note.. He did not talk about anything romantic. (whch we never were)he .just said the following: "things to be grateful for, your kindness and company" and his last line was " Think of you often and fondly." I have moved on, and not turning back. Your words and everyone who has gone through this resonated throughout my thought process. I can't even believe it's me. Months ago, I never would have believed that I just moved on. He had his chance. and I don't mean that in a mean or vindicative way. He did not even state anything to the nature of taking it to another level. I have just left it as someone who passed through my life for a reason and a season. With that said, I'll see what the future brings. I'm content with me, and that's a big plus. If the right person shows up and we are on the right page, I will know. If not, I have a life. Thank you thank you thank you for being here Jane. You have helped me and many others.
And you're not only seeing it, you're living it, Denise. How beautiful to catch that glimpse of just how far you've come! "If not, I have a life" - Exactly! Thank you for your kind, inspiring words. You have no idea how much they mean! 🙂
I'm grateful for this letter and other ones from this site. They remind me that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do and I'll get through just like everyone else. That it's not a man's fault if he isn't good for me, but it's not my fault either. Thank you for this much needed reminder.
oh you never are the only one feeling the way you do, Amber! When we attach blame to either someone else or ourselves, we hold ourselves back in being able to see the reality that it's always about two people not being on the same page than any other story we're so programmed to tell ourselves. Thank you so much for your kind words!
I'm grateful to a new guy I just met over the weekend n me n this guy r still friends but I'm 26 n this guy is 22 n idk if age makes a difference with dating, me this new guy have the same feelings for each other n I'm more available n he's less coz of his night shift. I'm grateful I can think of him, saying cute things to him like " when I woke up you were the person on my mind" he's a very helpful n great guy n nothing can go wrong about it. Me n him have a crush on each other, he acts flirty even tho he hasn't asked me out yet but I feel like going to the next stage but I've known him for 2 weeks though. I know I should wait for a couple of months, I may not like him in a couple of months, me n this guy chat a lot n he wants the same things I want in a future n he's got a couple of disabilities as well. Idk whether to get to know more about this guy or going to the next stage or see if guy number 1 comes back to me after Xmas
Take your time getting to know this new guy, Courtney, and just enjoy finding out more about him. Remember that you're the one doing the choosing and it's always in your best interest to slow things down so that you can really find out if this is someone who adds to your life and is truly worthy of you! You'll know as time goes on, as you take things slow, as you both find out more about each other and whether you're both on the same page and looking for the same thing with each other. You never need to be in a rush to get the the next stage with someone who's right for you!
Thank you, Jane for another inspiring article. It does seem very far away to me the day I find someone who happens to be interested in me the same way I am interested in him. A man who I don't really have to wonder about. But I do want to believe it will happen. I just get caught up with the how it would be because it has never been the case. I don't know what that feels like, what that looks like... It just seems so out of reach. The only thing I do know is that I have already seen my pattern and I am determined to put an end to it. I don't know anything else beyond that. I will keep waiting this storm out till I don't feel so lost anymore. So far I have been doing fine with no contact, but it is still challenging not having friends or family around to turn to. I do know I have been in this hole too many times before and I have come out. Just wish I had some support system.
Anyway, I will keep going one day at a time.
Hello Angel. I just read what you wrote and Jane's article is quite inspiring to say the least. You are a very supportive person with a heart. As you said, you are waiting for this storm to pass. It will. I, like you, have to work on ourselves. Do the things we love. When and if the time is right, the right man will show up. One day at a time, is so the best way to go. Having now fear about being with yourself. Loving this time to be happy with you. Finding what make you happy. I truly hope you make the best of your time, don't beat yourself up (take it from someone who has done that - and thank GOD for Jane's website). Please make the very best of each moment to love yourself. I realize now, when you are intertwined in your life, making it what you want, change starts. I have seen in beginning. Instead of focusing on "him" wherever he is - focus on you. Be the shining jewel you are, it will attract the diamond in the rough.
Thank you so much, Denise for your loving and supporting words. It is sort of difficult for me given that I am in a different country far away from home and Christmas is coming. I don't have many friends around, just acquaintances who I am not so sure I can count on so... It is a little tough and winter is coming. Some days I manage ok but others I really struggle with my aloneness. I am starting to hate victimhood. It just feels lonely. But I will keep hanging in here, trying to pick up the pieces to start over. I can't wait for the moment I no longer care about him. It's really all I want.
I hope you are also doing ok and that things keep improving for all of us. Big hug.
You're never alone in feeling like this, Angel. Very few of us have someone to turn to, to trust, to rely on, to share our deepest fears and longings with. Someone who is safe. It's why I'm here. To be able to even recognize who's safe and who's not is a huge step for so many of us; be so proud of yourself for that!
I know it feels so out of reach when you're going through it, when that tunnel seems oh so long. Stay with yourself, keep giving to yourself the love and compassion you so deserve and one day at a time, you, too, will see what I'm talking about here.
Thank you so much, Jane for being here. It means a lot to me. This is one of the few things that keeps me going: your blog and support and the hope and longing for a better tomorrow.
Happy thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for: I am here in Europe, a dream come true and I have a chance at a new life, without the pattern, with more clarity and with a wiser heart. Gotta keep going. Bless you.
angel you and i both
"no support system" exactly
post modernism is horrid and is part of it
true...i'm NEW to this ALSO
i'm a buddhist...
sgi-usa.org
nam myoho renge kyo
here if you need me
🙂
Thank you, Monica.
A relationship is only worth fighting for is both people want to fight for it.
Exactly, Jackie. You can never be the only one who wants it!