I have an important question to ask you - in fact, it may be the most important question you can ask yourself:
What's the one thing you want more than anything else in your life right now?
Is it to be loved?
Is it to get married?
Is it to start a family?
Is it to live somewhere else? Somewhere better?
Is it to change jobs or begin a new career?
Do you even know what it is?
Think about this for a moment. We put so much time and energy into thinking about why we don't have what we want. We can come up with so many reasons, so many answers to our own questions, as to why we don't have what we really want.
But I've learned a thing or two along the way about what's really going on here. It's not about you not being able to have what you so want. It's not about there being anything wrong with you. It's not about you being not attractive enough, or intelligent enough, or whatever enough you believe you need to be in order to have what you long for.
It's about something so much simpler than that.
Oh, I've been there. I've thought it had everything to do with what I wasn't enough of and what I was too much of, and how there was no one left who would appreciate who I was or what I had to offer.
But what I didn't realize back then, when it all seemed like such a struggle, was that I was the one getting in my own way of finding what I was looking for.
All of these emotionally unavailable men whose actions were showing me they weren't really looking for a committed relationship; why was I choosing them?
Why was I making it my mission to try to do everything I could to get them to commit to me, to make them love me, to make them want to be with me, when there were so many other available men out there? These other men didn't require this kind of work that I was doing to the detriment of myself, but I wasn't open to seeing them.
I blamed myself, I felt that I should have known better, I thought of a million things that I wished I had done differently but, of course, I didn't at the time.
Because isn't that what we all do so well?
We think it's about us.
We think it's all about us, that it's all our fault and that if we were only someone else - anyone else but our true selves - it would have had such a different ending!
Why do we insist on making this as complicated as we do? If all we want is to be loved for ourselves, there's plenty of men out there waiting and willing and capable of loving us the way we deserve to be loved!
If what we really want is to get married, why do we insist on trying to make a marrying kind out of a man who doesn't want that kind of commitment from anyone, not just us?
If what we want is to have children in our lives, why do we settle for someone who, while he might turn us on in every other way, doesn't share the desire to make a family together, hoping beyond hope that he'll change his mind?
If what we want is to change our jobs or start a different career, why do we come up with all those reasons why we can't, rather than taking a chance on ourselves for a change and going back to school, taking out a loan, moving in with a friend or family member, and seeing what is possible instead of letting our fears keep us stuck in something we're not happy in anyway?
If what we really want is to start fresh somewhere, or to feel the sunshine on our face in the middle of winter, what holds us back from making a geographical change? Is it really that we're so tied down to where we are right now that we can't make that move? Or is fear of being "wrong", or answering to the naysayers who think we're crazy for leaving what we've got behind and branching out anew?
What about you?
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter if it's not what you pictured, if your life isn't turning out the way you always thought it would.
So maybe you chose the "safe" career that your well-meaning teacher/counselor/parent convinced you to pursue; does that make you happy now? Or have you always wanted to try that less-traveled path that you never thought you could do? That someone else never gave you permission to do.
That's the point. What do you really want now? At this stage of your life, not the one you used to be in or the one you're still holding onto. What about now?
Find that clarity.
Peel away the complicating layers to find the simple, sweet clarity of what you really want. If you can't have what you want without what comes with it, is it worth it to you to keep trying to make it work?
Or is it time to let go of what isn't working and clear a path for what wants to work, and is right there waiting for you to see just how much simpler this can be.
You don't have to be right.
You don't have to please anyone else with what you want. But you do deserve nothing less than being true to yourself and being happy with what is always your own choice. Don’t make it about what anyone else wants or thinks you should or shouldn't want; make this about you.
You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. And you're the one with the clarity to make it happen for you.
What do you need to get clear about most? What is complicating your life that you need to simplify down? Tell us about it in the comments!
What a fantastic article. For me you hit the nail on the head finding people who like (Joan) not what I project but the real me. I'm beginning to like myself again but its hard sorting out those sneaky layers that need peeling.
Peaceful Blessings
Sharri, your beautiful strength I've come to recognize comes through here in your picture! You're beautiful, girl! So nice to "meet" you and have a chance to finally see who I'm having these conversations with. 🙂
THANK YOU SO KINDLY. Thank you for being soooo nice.
So do I?
Can we?
Yes! 🙂
Having issues uploading my pi ture 🙁
When I get to a desk top maybe. I only have my Samsung Galaxy phone for now.
Jennifer
wow this is beautiful Jane - thank you for turning our thoughts in the direction - something many of us seldom do i am sure.
i'd luv to add my pic but clicking is not gving the option to upload a pic. smile
Alasha and Jennifer (and anyone else) - If you go to www.gravatar.com and sign up for a "Gravatar", it will show up automatically on my site (and many others). And it's free!
I'm looking forward to seeing who I'm talking to! 🙂
Yay! Got it. Thanks
oh Angel, you're so beautiful! How nice to finally put a name to a face and "see" you, the beautiful woman I've come to know here through months of posts and comments! I feel like we're getting closer 🙂
Hihi! Thank you, Jane! I know! I feel the same way!! I have shared more here with you than even with my best friend!! I think she would never get where I am coming from because she's always been able to get any man she's wanted. She has that confidence. She has suffered as well of course, but I think she would be baffled a little if I told her all my realizations and my feelings of unworthiness that I am trying to get rid of. It is so great to have a place like this to share with like-minded ladies and to get such kind and loving advice like yours. You and your blog are definitely unique! Thank you for everything you do!!
I so agree with you Angel
this is a wonderful fulfilling forum to gain clarity on "getting to true love"
I'm never giving up and always learning.
Thank you so much Jane and all the others who share here.
love you all
Jennifer
I'm so glad you enjoyed this, Alasha. Thank you!
Just read "you are always met exactly where you are"
awesome!
Thanks
So glad, Jennifer. It's so true! You always, always are, no matter how much you may not feel like it sometimes. When you start to notice, when you start to pay closer attention and look for those little indicators, it becomes more and more clear all the time. You're so loved!
Hi Jane
let me start with how grateful I am to be part of this community and how grateful we are for all of your love and support and kind words.
Today I'm here to gain some clarity on my current situation.
I met a beautiful man this week, twice since Sunday. But it doesn't start here.
about 6 weeks ago I had a heart to heart conversation with a man at my work. I ended up telling him that I was divorced and dating, I felt that I was still single because I hadn't found "the one" yet. You know, the one who will treatt me with respect and love me the way that makes you feel good.
He told me he thought he knew someone who might fit this and asked if he should send him around to meet me.
I said sure, thinking I've got nothing to lose and also thinking he would never show up.
but on Monday October 20th he came to my workplace, but i wasn't working but my colleague suggested he leave a message. He did, a business card with his cell phone number.
I was kind of shocked. I hung on to it for a day and decided to send him a text. We met this past Sunday and again Monday and he texts every day.
He's been single a long time. But he's definitely looking for a relationship now.
he had told the man that if he knew anyone to let him know.
the man called him at home told him he must go and meet me and not to screw this up.
apparently he came. Y on two other occasions and i wasn't around.
This man made it a a quest to meet me and im so glad he did.
he makes me feel good and safe.
Now I just want to make sure i don't lose him.
any advice?
Oh I know what you're asking here, Jennifer. How do you not mess this up - how do you not miss out on a good thing or let it slip through your fingers. As if just being ourselves, taking it slow with someone, remembering that you're the prize - and that you don't know him well enough yet to even know if he's worth your beautiful time and energy - isn't quite enough. It so is, though! This change of mindset that I've written about before - no one is better than you, no one deserves to put any higher on any kind of pedestal more than you!
You simply can't lose someone who doesn't want to be lost, Jennifer. If you're not enough for someone, or too much, or you're both just not on the same page, this will become clear to both of you over time. If you knew you were all that you are and had everything you had to offer someone, if you could see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves and adores you and accepts every part of you - not just the parts that you're happy with! - you would enjoy yourself, you would be yourself and not think twice about it. Do that! Because you're already her, you're already that woman who knows this even if we forget it over time.
Have fun getting to know someone better and take all the pressure off of you by remembering the whole point of dating. If he's right for you, you'll know soon enough by how he treats you, by the way he is with you, by the type of character he possesses and the way he simply is. You're the one doing the choosing here, and you bring so very much to this table!
Thank you so much Jane.
I do believe that I am the prize. That I will find my true love. That I will never settle for being a second choice or just in case. It's why I'm still single and not attached to anyone who doesn't deserve me or my beautiful time. I'm setting my boundaries by being clear that I'm seriously looking for a relationship. I clarify this with the men that I have dated. I've been making the choices all along. Yes there have been some that I wanted more than was returned but like you've said we obviously weren't on the same page. No one is better than me. I am the prize. Doesn't mean there won't be some heartbreak along the way.They all have taught me more about myself and are lessons learned. I will always be my true authentic self.I know I'm worth it.
i was married young and for along time to someone who didn't value me. It was hard to break free from that mold. But i did. I was in that cocoon way to long but the Beautiful butterfly that has emerged will not ever be in a relationship where I am not valued.
Thank you for helping me on my journey of self discovery.
Jennifer
Always, Jennifer. In your own way and time. You're not performing for anyone. You're being you, with all the ups and downs we bring when we're leaning to see ourselves in a new way. Go easy on yourself through this process. You're doing beautifully! 🙂
Hooray my picture is finally up!
Thank you Jane. I'm having fun being myself with my new man. I have never felt so cherished by anyone before. He makes me feel safe and cared for and happy. I'm moving at a comfortable pace with him. We talk about seeing each other. I see him often. I'm just gonna enjoy the ride and follow his cues. But I'm also comfortable letting him know how he makes me feel. He tells me he's happy to hear from me. Today is all that matters.
I'm looking forward to your next blog post!
Excuse typo errors in previous comment.
To add. I feel this blog you are making people constantly analyse themselves and self blame which is self harm. I know that is not your intention. It does not matter how much you analyse oneself or pick yourself apart. Don't! We have certain control only over ourselves. But we have no control over external situations life forces the world. We have to look at our choices. But you still dont know hoe it will end up. We cant predict what can happen in a relationship we can only try. I say this from my experiences and what I see out there.
"We have certain control only over ourselves ... We have to look at our choices... But you still don't know how it will end up. We can't predict what can happen in a relationship we can only try." Exactly, Realist. And that's why being aware of what we're choosing and recognizing the disconnect between what we're looking for and what we're choosing is so empowering if we allow it to be. It's not about what's wrong with you; it's about choosing with clarity what it is you really want and letting go of an old program that isn't yours and isn't aligned with what you really want.
When we recognize what's ours and shake off what's someone else's, we become free to be who we are, to choose what we actually want, and to refuse to let anyone else do the choosing for us. Whether you see this as blaming yourself or empowering yourself is all about where you're at and how you choose to see it.
There is no blame here, only love and acceptance for being your beautiful true self, wherever you are on your journey. It's in loving ourselves and accepting ourselves and refusing to take on what belongs to someone else that frees us to be who we've always been - the beautiful woman inside us who's already everything we're meant to be!
Thanks jane. But these blogs that focus on picking your self apart are really damagung to peoplem it leads them to constantly analyse every action moment. Instead of being present. You can't predict what your partner feels thinks or does from constantly anslysing your moves. Tryong to avoid real life or struggles is making society weaker. There is nothijg wrong with loving supporting someone at the time and being kind. If the other person decides to misuse your givings your gifts. It's on them. Its their character. Feels free and joyful to give and share yes protect yourself with common sense . But being kind is never a weakness. Its just reality a lot of messed up people out there. And unfortunately getting hurt is part of life.
Hi jane.
I do not agree with this email. As you are generalising your choices to all of us. I and many of my healthy non dramatic friends have taken every opportunity presented us from meeting guys dates internet or setting up or even meeting someone through activities we participate in our full lives we live. I have been approached by guys one after the other who come on so strong.Zealand All from different backgrounds races or classes. I have even tried going out with guys im not attracted to initially as I know it can grow. But they all messed up or quit due to either trying to lead meon toa have sex. Or their baggage from their previous relationship or there just hasn't been chemistry. We can't force chemistry. I have forced myself and felt sick at one time. My point is life and world does not work in the way you describe. The west promotes a lot of philosophy which is just not natural or practical and causes a lot of psychological issues. My point is we are trying with our truth authentic loving supportive self. I live a good life I have struggled and overcome real life ups and downs. I have progressed I have achieved I have had an amazing career. I would be happier to share my life with the right person. But you only meet who you meet around your environment at that time. Trust me I have seen people who have patterns in choices. But there are many of us who are trying all avenues and still not matter how much we try it still hasn't worked yet. I know he's out there somewhere. I have accepted this is the reality for me. What will come will come when its my time.
As always, Realist, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. No, you can't force chemistry and you can't change anyone else except yourself. But being aware of what you're looking for as in the examples of why you're choosing to be and stay with someone who isn't on your page, who can't give you what you're looking for and making yourself miserable in the process of trying to be enough for them, is worth everything to see that with clarity to stop doing that to ourselves anymore.
There is a beautiful interaction of fate/Universe/God or whatever you believe in, and your own beautiful energy coming together to create what is right for you, but to be part of that process can be empowering if we choose to be a part of it and own our own beautiful power. It's not for everyone, just like there are no rules or one-size-fits-all "formula", but if it resonates with you, run with it! And if it doesn't, that's ok, too, because we're all on our own unique paths.
Don't beat yourself up because something doesn't sit well with you. These are thoughts and ideas to plant the seeds for you to do with them what resonates most with you in your own way and time. And accepting and loving yourself for where you're at wherever you are on your own journey is how we lovingly get to where we want to be.
"My point is we are trying with our truth authentic loving supportive self." - Exactly!
I have discovered it is really simple: fear and not being totally crystal clear about what it is. Not to mention detrimental core beliefs: I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I'm too weak, men are dangerous, if I open up I'll get hurt, oh my God so many. But the good news is I see all those little monsters already. And that's ok. Little by little, baby steps things will change.
oh so true, Angel! And that is the biggest part; being able to see "all those little monsters already" and realizing that "that's ok". Because it is. It's in that acceptance of where you're at - and realizing it's not permanent, that it, too, will change - that you give yourself the greatest gift. To not have to do or be anything more than who you are right now. "Little by little, baby steps things will change." - And they will!
Thank you, Jane for always being there. Today I did something that, even though made me sad, made me somehow fearful yet proud at the same time. I had an online relationship with a guy 6 years ago. I really fell for him and I am still sort of soft for him. I still would want him. We broke up back then because he was here in Germany and I was in my home country so it made no sense to be together like that. I came to Germany a year ago and he hasn't even tried to come see me. Today we chatted and he said he wanted to see me really badly. But I had a feeling it was more like a sexual thing to him and I was afraid to make it clear that even though I feel the attraction as well, I want more.... But after a bit I thought about it and remembered I am not playing the cool girl. I am going to be sweet, sensitive, honest me from now on. So I let my heart speak. I told him how I wanted so much more from him and he said he was sexually very attracted to me but that he didn't know what could happen afterwards which I understand but at the same time it feels as if I were putting my whole soul down the line and the risk of getting hurt is too high for me. So I told him my truth. Of course he said that if I was this emotional maybe it was best we didn't see each other. It broke my heart. Somehow my head is saying I made a mistake talking about feelings to a guy, but at the same time I feel relieved that I was honest. It saddens me so much he is yet another wrong guy, but I suppose it is better like this than to be hurt beyond repair later. I am still trying to recover from the last disappointment and I am not about to get into another one. Sigh
So much better, Angel, because now you've spoken your truth, you've set a boundary around what you are and are not willing to accept and you've let it be known. Of course you feel that mixed feeling of doing and saying what you know in your heart is right, but it also feels to not be loved and received the way you'd like. That's always the reality component of all of this - we can be who we are but it doesn't mean that everyone is going to love us for being that person. Oh how I understand that struggle to come to terms with that! But it's how you know where you belong - and where you don't. It's how you know where you're meant to be and who you're meant to be be with, and what is a fit that's right for you and what can never be no matter how much we try to make it so. Feel that freedom, feel that accompanying sadness of that reality check, but know that this is how you grow and stretch and find your way to the people that you want to be with, that will celebrate these boundaries, these realities of you.
It's a whole different thing to be loved for who we are without trying to be something that we're not, or hiding our true selves away somewhere underneath another facade. Until we experience what that feels like, we only have what's missing to compare it to. Stay with yourself, stay with the truth you know in your heart is you, and it will get it easier, your light will get used to shining on its own, and eventually the ones who are most like you and looking for you will be able to see you, too. Enjoy that sweet freedom of your beautiful spirit, Angel. It's a beautiful thing you've discovered within you!
I'm single n I know what I want in my future with a man which is to be married n have no kids coz they can be annoying asking for stuff n their school fees could cost a lot.
When I'm with a man I like n getting to know him slowly I think ahead of my marriage n seeing if his last name works with my 1st name.
When I see couples on buses n trains I get jealous coz the guys who r my type in terms of his looks r taken n I can't find a man who's my type which is brunette n tall. There's not many tall guys in Perth, Western Australia
It may seem like the guys who are your type in terms of looks are taken, Courtney, but if you focus on what matters in the long term and expand your type, you may be surprised to discover someone who's just right for you that you might not have otherwise been open to.
Greetings Jane
I love this word sound vibe. "Feeling the sunshine on your face in the winter". This is such a beautiful feeling. This year was the Re-Making of Sharri. I looked in the mirror and saw my dreams deferred. I said to myself honestly, what the hell is going on. I was not meant to be BROKEN.
In January 2014, I decided, I needed to take a chance to make a change for the best ME. I was going to be debt free, go back to college to finish what I started, find a career that is incredible to ME and get rid of toxic people in my life.
Well, this is what really happened. In Feb 2014, I got laid off on my birthday, after 9 years on the job. Oh no worries. It was the best birrthday gift ever. I was so miserable at the ex job. But why did I stay so long. Because I was lazy and scared. The whole honest truth. I felt comfortable in my uncomfortabllity. This also was the cause of my love life diminishing. Because I had low self esteem and was too scared to get out of toxic situationships.
Never ever will I put that BS on my chest. I have work smarter not harder. Getting laid off from work was my chance to EVOLVE. Jane, I am holding it down baby. I am making real movements. I get to really move the wind this time. And it feels GREAT.
1LOVE, Sharri
"I get to really move the wind this time. And it feels GREAT." Love this, Sharri! Thank you for sharing your story, for inspiring us all to see the difference when you can look at what might have been called a loss, and see it for the gain it became. "I was not meant to be BROKEN." - Exactly! You are so much more than what happens to you, and how beautiful to see what you've done with your life, in spite of, because of, and because you are YOU.
Thank you kindly,