One of our dear, sweet readers is in a back and forth romance with a guy that disappears on her and then keeps coming back, and she's wondering what she can do to finally move on. She has signed her letter "Anonymous", so I've called her "Beauty".
Here's her story:
Good evening Jane,
I know that you are very busy and I looked through the posts and there isn't anything that really answers my question and I truly hope you could answer this. I am in a very unfortunate predicament and my heart really needs healing.
It all began two years ago.
I was backpacking across Europe when I met the one, who I believed and hoped, was my soulmate. We had this instant chemistry, something so rare.
He was with a friend and I was traveling alone, the three of us decided to travel together. We met in Venice, we would spend the day on the water taxi, he held me in his arms and from the very beginning, I had warned him that he shouldn't fall in love with me and that wouldn't be allowed.
Right away, he was afraid it was too late, he was worried he would never again meet someone like me.
A couple days passed and we were now in Rome, we still had not kissed. He brought me to the fountain of love, my eyes were closed and when I opened my eyes I saw this brilliant and beautiful fountain and we shared our first kiss. my oh my was it beautiful. We then kept traveling and about a week in, we needed to part ways. I knew I would never see him again, but he really made me feel the way no one had ever made me feel.
He just clicked.
Well, that all sounds beautiful until.... He ended up realizing he would never see me again and basically ditched me in Athens late at night... I was heartbroken.
He then messaged me saying he needed to see me again, whilst we were still in Europe. I forgave him and accepted. Of course he was not very mature, and kept me waiting for 5 hours at the port in Santorini... he never made it.
Months passed, and he decided to message me again, he had confessed his love for me and said he would do anything to be with me. We then started doing long distance (he lived about a one hour flight from my home town). We skyped once in a while, though he often had excuses.
He kept telling me he wanted to come see me, or that he would pay my flight to see him.
Well, he did neither.
I bought a flight and went to see him and stayed with him for two weeks. Met his family and spent two nearly perfect weeks with him. He seemed so doubtful, he often had this look in his eyes as if he was thinking, contemplating. He told me he loved me, I believed him and loved him so so much.
Fast forward a couple of months and he begins to ignore me, for weeks at a time. Thinking that was okay to do. Finally I tell him I can't sit and wait, he was supposed to come see me at Christmas, but told me he was not able to. He then kept me holding on by saying he loved me and didn't want to lose me and that he would try harder.
It was in October of 2012 that I said, I couldn't hold on to these broken promises anymore and that it was time for me to move on.
I have spent now two years, doing amazing things, working with children with special needs. Went to Kenya twice to work on projects for sustainability for local centers in Africa. I have done wonders. I was very happy without him, but still felt a bit empty, still missed him often and longed for the love we had.
He would often pop in and say "hey lets catch up soon, you always cross my mind and I miss you". I would respond and not hear back from him for months. He would then do that again and again.
This lasted two years.
One month ago, he contacted me.
He seemed to have grown up and seemed to really have a lot to say (he knew that I would be returning to Kenya for six months in November).
He told me that he loved me, that he has not and will never find someone like me and that he needed to find a way to get me back. I reassured him, saying that he had in fact never lost me. he was so pleased that I would yet again forgive him and give him another chance.
He explained to me that he had moved provinces, that I could finally go live with him and we could start our lives.
He was so quick to talk about having a family together and really starting our future. I was skeptical, but so thrilled. I would see him before leaving for Kenya then return to Canada to go live with him, and start our life together.
It was incredible, it was a feeling of ecstasy. I was in amazement. He had grown up and wanted to be with me. It was so easy for me to once again drop everything and go right back to him ... after everything he had put me through.
Well, this is where the story gets even more messy.
He then begins to act sort of different and I know for sure there is something going on.
After ignoring me for a couple of days he finally confesses that during those two years of not speaking to me, he had gotten a woman pregnant. This was just a couple of months ago and that she was in fact carrying his child as we speak.
He explained to me no more than the fact that she was expecting this baby and that he had moved to a different province wanting nothing to do with the infant.
This is a huge indication of what sort of person he is who can just pick up and leave when a difficult situation arises. He told the woman he would not help raise the child and left.
The fact that he didn't tell me this before telling me how much he loved me and that we would be together again just blew my mind.
Had he told me he had gotten someone pregnant and that he and she would not be together but that he would still take part in the child's life, I would have been a lot more understanding. Well he didn't even discuss any of it with me he just said "I am sorry for hurting you, you deserve better".
Everyone makes mistakes and I am a very forgiving person and so I said to him we can work this out we can talk about this. But he made this assumption without conversing with me, that I deserve much better and that I should just carry on.
He has not spoken to me since then. It has been a few weeks now and he has not said a word to me besides "you deserve better"
Now, my question to you sweet Jane, is how do I get closure, how do I even begin to just put this all in the past? You see it seems easy and I know I have a bright future, I am headed to Kenya in two weeks for six months to go seriously improve some lives out there.
I have a lot of people who love and care for me. But the love I have for him is unimaginable, I don't know how to see past this. I don't know how I can put him in the past and leave him there.
Please help me!
I just want closure, I want to know that it is the end and that I will not continue to look back. I have called him several times in the past couple of weeks and he refuses to talk to me. I know he also is going through a lot but he is just leaving me hanging...like he has from the beginning. It is almost like I am his safety net, he is afraid to lose me it seems...
I just want to be able to love again, to smile and feel as though I can put him in the past and look forward to a brighter day.
I just would love advice because I love him so much, my heart overflows with love for him, and he just leaves me hanging.
xoxo
- Beauty
My Response:
Oh the capacity we have to overlook and override the reality that doesn't fit with the stories we tell ourselves when we become the heroine in our own tragic fairy tale, Beauty! You are such a beautiful soul; so passionate, so full of life, so full of wanting to help the innocent, to make a difference in the world in such a meaningful way.
The depth of your love comes through so clearly; you want to make a difference in this rare soul you've stumbled across. He seems so close, you sense in him such a similar longing in his soul, too, if he could only get there himself. And this is why there is such a passion shared between the two of you. He senses in you something he longs for too, and within him, you sense that same pull too. And yet that pull has everything to do with something I've spoken about before in my posts about the Spark.
Something about him triggers in you a response so out of proportion to what the logical version of yourself would see in him, in this potential you keep coming back to.
To forgive, to have grace for, to accept, and to gloss over such important clues that are telling you the true story and giving you every possible red flag and warning sign for you to see clearly what you would be getting yourself into were you to follow your heart so blindly and become further involved with this man.
And yet I understand, Beauty. All too well, I do!
It’s the rest of the picture that only someone like you can see, only those of us who've played the part of the tragic heroine in the epic fairy tale that had the ending completely written except we forget that we can’t be the only ones writing it.
He has to want this, too.
And yet here he is, committing the worst of possible things that a man can do to show you how not on the same page he is with you. He dumps you, he lies to you, he stands you up, he disappears on you, he refuses to answer you – the list goes on and on.
This is where your focus must be.
On what he shows you about himself. On what he does, not what he promises or what he causes you to feel in your giving heart when you look at him as the picture of true potential. This is all about you, Beauty, not him. This is all about what you’ve created in your mind, not about what’s really there with him.
It’s the hardest part of letting go.
Recognizing that this is all about you. That there’s nothing loving about it on his end, and only unrequited love on yours. Why else do we struggle so much to let go? It’s because we don’t really want to. We don’t want to have to.
There’s a part of us that wants to hang on, that wants to keep seeing where the story goes, that wants to keep dropping in to find out what’s next. We’re waiting for that happy fairy tale ending!
You have such a full beautiful life in service to others which is the very best way to make you feel fulfilled. You have family and friends who love you, and adventure and opportunity all around you.
And yet, it is not enough.
Would anyone else do? We can set such high standards for ourselves, or allow others to set them for us, that no mere man can fit the bill. So we look for someone who seems almost out of this world to our own minds, who comes and goes, and disappears only to come running back like you are indeed his “savior” time and time again.
Even the amount of time that he has exhibited this type of pattern with you is confirmation that he is something of a lost soul that somehow needs your love to save him, and yet it is this very fantasy that we buy into that gives him so much power in your own mind.
And while your friends and family and anyone else you tell this story to will undoubtedly tell you to let him go and move on and never contact him again or allow him to contact you, when you are as enmeshed as you are with the fantasy of what could be if only he could see it too, the only way out is through seeing him clearly through your own eyes.
What can he really offer you?
You are an advocate for children. He wants nothing to do with his own child and thinks nothing of impregnating another woman and leaving her to have this child and raise his own flesh and blood alone. Who does that? A loving man? A kind man? Someone you could ever be truly happy with in the long term?
And so, to move on, you have to see for yourself who he truly is.
Write down everything he’s done to show you his true colors since you’ve known him. Write down everything he can’t offer you. Write down so you can see it so clearly on paper how easily he can disappear and ignore you, then tell you a story that will admit him back into your life.
And then don’t make this about trying not to contact him.
Reach out to him as many times as you need to so you can see firsthand for yourself what he is really made of. So you can see the reality and separate it from the fantasy that only you can see. Rarely can we get over someone like this without allowing ourselves to see as clearly as we can what they are truly made of.
Don’t run from it.
Face it. Face the reality of what your life with him would be like so that you can feel the power of making your own choice here. That’s always a part of this too. The feeling of not being in control, of not being able to have someone when we are offering so much and expecting so little in return, can trigger us to keep holding on to an even greater degree.
Only you know why you allow him to have such a hold over you, Beauty.
But it could be he holds the illusion of a love that you don’t have to commit to yourself. It may be that the idea of being with him allows you to try to rescue him - just like the children you are so passionately helping - that he falls into that category as well.
When we give and love and care so deeply, when we’re willing to forgive and overlook the most blatantly “wrong” of behaviors, this tells us so much more about ourselves than we can ever know. Let yourself see who you are, and what you deserve. Let yourself imagine what life with him would be. Because when you've seen enough, you’ll know.
Take back your power, Beauty.
He can’t leave you hanging if you don’t allow him to. Don’t doubt your own strength; with a word from you, he’s gone. It’s only in your own mind that you have to be sure this is what you truly want to have happen, and it will be.
You are just that powerful!
What do you think? Do you have any additional words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Beauty? Share them with us in the comments!
Hi Jane!
I can relate to this. We meet someone who starts out by making us be the center of their world. Pay so much attention to us, try anything to make us happy...taking us to parties,meeting friends, family members. So we will like we fit in. Oh finally this is the one. No more looking or feeling alone. Getting comfortable together...Everything is great. Until when a situation comes where you need to rely on them. You start to feel so vulnerable, un wanted. He starts to pull away and not caring like he used too. So you became more dependent to get him to notice you. Then more challenges occur. Your relationship starts fulling apart. You keep trying to get back the Love that you once had. It starts to get out of control, you need his validation for everything. You feel worthless... Then you try talking about it and things start to get better. Your relationship starts to heel and you start feeling good about yourself again. Until something else happens either with him and his life or yours. You start to feel un loved again. So you start chasing him..only to want him to be with you more, making you feel whole again. Having fun, laughing and doing things together like you used to. Why do we always give them the Power to make you feel better. I know your saying Jane..this is we should be strong and walk way. So we do it for a little while. Hoping the he will decide your the One.
So he comes back again and again. But it now like a Roller Coaster... So has to End. You start to think of ways to get him back. You change and if I do this and try that, he will want me back. Until your confidence falls apart all together. He shuts you out of life. He starts dating someone else. You say what happen? He didn't want a relationship. He kept saying. So you thought. Then why is dating her now. Why isn't it me?? How do you get through this? You keep saying to Love yourself, Your beautiful but Jane you don't feel that way!! Why does someone else always get what you Want??? What is wrong with me? I always end Here!!! Jane I don't want to go through anymore! Please help me get over this I feel so Powerless. I need to feel Whole Again not so Needy!! Pammy
Dear Pammy,
I am so sorry you're going through this. I know what it feels like because I have been there and not so long ago. It doesn't feel like you can get past it when you're in the middle of this. And you torture yourself and torture yourself more. What does she have that I don't? What's wrong with me? Why does this always happen to me? And you think of them both together and you torment yourself, berating yourself. That's exactly what I did. Till one day it hurt so damn much, I thought I was drowning and dying. I had no choice but to get out of this hole. I have been there all my life over and over again. Only this time I discovered something. This time it hurt so much that I was forced to wake up from this nightmare: I decided to find out what was "wrong" with me. You know what I found: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME! So I can honestly tell you: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! I started to look at all these non-relationships without any emotional interpretations, as if I were describing a movie without describing the characters' feelings, just the occurrences and choices. I realized I was choosing these situations unwittingly because there was a broken record playing in my head: I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, there's nothing better out there for me, so he has to be the one.... Among a hell of a lot other detrimental beliefs I cannot even mention here because there wouldn't be any space. So what I am inviting you to do first and foremost is to stop torturing yourself with these thoughts. Would you treat someone else this way?? No, because no one deserves that, so why do you do this to yourself, sweetheart? You're smart, loving, beautiful, kind, the damn entire package! He's just not the right man for you. I know it hurts, because like I said I have been there all my life, but I sure as hell don't want this anymore. I hope you decide to take those needed baby steps that can help you realize you are fantastic and there's nothing wrong with you. If you're interested, I can recommend a book I have been reading that has helped me a lot in finding myself: Calling in the One. Also, Jane has a wonderful program that got me started on the path and that has also been my guide to move through this water I have been swimming in. Do whatever resonates with you, but get up. You want to do this for yourself. When you're ready, life will open its arms wide open for you to see how wonderful it is to be you. Big big hug and lots of love to you.
I am very blessed and enlightened to hear this Jane. Thank you very much.
So glad, Rechelle! You're so very welcome.
Seems the odds of finding romance is better found at Trivoli Fountain then Home Depot. I hope that Beauty can find the strength and wisdom within herself to respond to this situation with her own best interests at heart.
I find it more then a little unsettling that such a man in this story can win the heart of such a woman as Beauty, treating her as he did and yet...and yet the woman that I treated so well appreciated nothing I did for her or just could not care less for all that I tried to do. The more I know...the more I think I got it all wrong.
No, Wayne; you didn't get it wrong. You got it so right! She was wrong for the incredible sensitive, caring, compassionate, giving, loving man you are! You could never, ever have been enough for her because she wasn't going to be the right woman for you. The two of you were not compatible or else what you were and what you did would have been enough. The beautiful thing here is that the reality of what is simply is. All that's required for you to move past this is to refuse to take this personally anymore - it's not serving your kind heart and soul well at all - and look around you to see all the women who would love to be treated the way you treated her, who are also capable of giving to you the love that you so deserve too! One step at a time, don't beat yourself up if you're not yet there - I'm just here to keep reminding you of what I see so clearly 🙂
hey Jane,
i am in a similar situation right now,, i am seeing this man for 5 month now, but we are just on and off, and i am really tired and he keeps on coming back. okay he never ignored me if i text him he reply very quick if i call he pick up as well. but sometimes he will just go quite and me as a lady i feel like i am scared to say anything when he is quite like that, he can go mute even for the whole week, and i aswell just keep quite when he comes back than i ask him of this behaviors he will ask me back what have i done as i am saying he is quite. i love him soo much even when he is the one wrong he make me feel maybe i am the one having a problem somewhere, i can be furious when he starts doing this and i plan on what to do when he comes back, like maybe just tell him to back off and just prepared soo many questions to ask him, but he just start talking he just shut me off and i am like i forgot everything i wanted to say.. i tried to really move on but i cant, i don't know what to do, but i really need to move on. sometimes i will tell him to just leave me alone i don't want to see him and so on but he would insist and tell me he know i love him and you cant hide natural feelings. i wonder if he is taking advantage that he knows am crazy about him or what is really wrong,
i really need help aswell, i am dying slowly
Of course you feel like you're "dying slowly", Esther. We're not meant to live being quiet, being silent, walking on eggshells while we put up with someone shutting us up, closing us down, making us feel so small and insignificant. This is working so well for him - but you're seeing what it's doing to you. It takes courage to see it - feel strong in yourself for being able to see the effect it's having on you! You can move on if you want to, if you're ready to see just how strong you can be. There's a reason it's so hard to move on that has everything to do with us and nothing to do with anyone else. Show yourself that you know how to live, that "dying slowly" isn't an option for you. You deserve so much more than what you're telling yourself you do, but you're the only one who can change this.
Ms.Jennifer
in God Perfect Time we both met the Right One the only one who value us like his everything who respect us who love us..just have faith True love really exist:) ♥♥
Love with all my heart and soul. Thank you Kristine.
thank so much Jane.
so glad I found your site and not once have you tried to sell me anything.
I feel that deep down I understand all these concepts you talk about, even have applied hem not realizing its the right way to be. It doesn't diminish hearache, but how we react and learn from each relationship makes us stronger.
My current un-rellationship I am in has a friendship based on trust but he's not my boyfriend. Never made any promises beyond friendship, but he's always there for me. Maintains contact. But I fell in love with him. I continue to date. Not sure what else to say....you mentioned in Beauty's story about "rescuing him" I think that was my fantasy. He was cheated on by three ex wives and is threebtimes divorced. His only child by ex number 3 moved his daughter from Ontario to Alberta. I believe the only girl in his life, the love of his life, is his daughter. I will remain his friend. But it's unrequited love none the less.
Thank you for all the stories and postie feedback
Jennifer
You're so welcome, Jennifer. You're seeing the unrequited part; that's huge. Now you know and you can stay away from anything that isn't more equal. We can so want to rescue someone from themselves, seeing the potential that only we can see, but what it does to our beautiful hearts and souls is never, ever worth that kind of effort. If they're motivated to get there, they will. It has to come from him, not you.
Thank you so much , Jane, for this story. I have written down the steps about facing the reality of what life would be like with him.Don't run from it. Feeling the power of making the choice.
Very Empowering. Perfect timing.seeing things clearly. I'm not afraid to continue to show him how I feel but only hearing back when its convenient for him. I am slowly letting go of my addiction to him. Every time it gets a little easier.
as Kristine wrote:"You are never worth it for a wrong person, but for a right person you are everything"
Pray. Love. Forgive. Hope.
with love from Jennifer
with love,
Jennifer
I don't hold anger towards him. I gave him all I had to offer. He has made his choice. It's not a reflection of who I am because he didn't choose me, but instead its about being true to myself and moving on when the time is right.
ThNk you Jane,
With love, Jennifer
Ms.Jennifer
the un-forgiveness heart never help us to move forward and see the light in our own destination.
i get this "You are never worth it for a wrong person, but for a right person you are everything" from the movies entitled GODS NOT DEAD..
try to watch that movies i love the character of this women who cant let go on her fantasy then one day the Lord knocks her..but i know i have faith "faith is trusting God when you don't understand "
i have faith that at the right time God will open the door but from now own while waiting on his promise i need to ACCEPT THE REALITY & COUNT MY BLESSINGS:)
LOVE LOTS GIRL:)
You're so welcome, Jennifer! I'm so glad this resonated with you, with where you're at and what you're going through. There's so much healing in our feelings, if we don't run from them. If we accept that there's something in there for us to see that we could never otherwise have seen, that will change us, that will show us a whole new way of seeing so we can live the lives we're meant to live. Not miserable and pining for someone who can't give us what we long for - and deserve! Not beating ourselves up for not knowing or not being something we think we should be. But loving ourselves, being compassionate with ourselves for doing the best we can with what we know.
"Every time it gets a little easier" And it will continue to! Because once you let a little light in, and you see that you don't wither away and die without him, you see him more for who he really is. You see your own strength a little more for what it is - a stronger more confident woman than you ever know. Slowly, we're met where we are and brought around to see more and more - if we're willing to take that chance on ourselves.
Be so proud of yourself for recognizing that this is about a choice - his and yours - and not taking it any more personally than that like we so often do. That alone is huge! "It's not a reflection of who I am because he didn't choose me, but instead its about being true to myself and moving on when the time is right." - Exactly!
Beauty
Sometimes closure is not the answer to heal your broken heart because of whatever reason.. it happened because it's meant to happen.. hanging with someone to fill the emptiness is not helpful and logical.
I'm not sure if my comment can help you.
its been 3 months since this man left me ,never explain anything never make any closure which i know i deserved but as a times goes by i help my self to accept that this man is not my GODS WILL because if this man is my The One why this man hurt me so deep and left me so broken ...its not easy to face the reality but it is a best stepping stone to help your self to accept the reality.
Remember: you are never worth it for a wrong person, but for a right person you are everything.
pray.love.forgive.hope.
So true, Kristine. So glad you're seeing this firsthand for yourself, too. All your comments, all your thoughts and words of "been there" understanding help someone else to see what they can't yet see for themselves. It's the little seeds that get planted along the way on each of our journeys, so that when we're ready, we remember that most seeminly insignicant word or phrase or feeling that resonates wiht someone else. That's the beauty of being connected like this. We're never, ever alone in what we go through!
My heart go'out to beauty,its like a person can't see the forest because theres to many trees
Exactly, Penny. When we're in it, it can be so hard to see things from an outside perspective. It can be even harder to want to see it any other way.
Hey Princess,
Way to go!!!!!! 10 months of no more waiting for his texts,calls,emails or heartache.
What a breath of fresh air. And because you can now smell the truth.
You will easily weed out the guys that can not be planted in your heart.
1 love Sharri
Beauty, what you feel is not real i know it feels very real. I went through this recently. Back and forth he only had to look at me and i melted. He was great on paper a social worker close to his kids but shouted at me in front of my son and i don't even know why. It's his issue not yours. You are strong and you can decide to move on. I did it and within a week i met a wonderful man. He is there for me, there is no drama, there are no doubts, no worries, no issues it just feels right and we can be ourselves with each other. If that's what you want then call him out, tell him what a poor excuse he is for a man and you don't need him to tell you that. He's the loser in this and ypu win x
Thank you for sharing your inspirational story, Julie. "He is there for me, there is no drama, there are no doubts, no worries, no issues it just feels right and we can be ourselves with each other." - The irony of refusing to settle for anything less than this, is that this is what you find! So happy for you! 🙂
Hi Beauty, your situation toward love is similarly as mine. My boyfriend is living upstairs of my apartment. My friends and another people told me to move out of the apartment. I can not move out because the apartment is my parent own it and my boyfriend owns his apartment. He wants to end in the relationship with me.Either one of us will move out. Sometimes we don't know how to handle in our circumstances and we can not in control them. The best way is if you really love your boyfriend, you need to pray for God. Giving God all of your pain, confuse, loss. Ask God what you can do in this situation. Sometime we need to learn to patience for handle our circumstances. I love my boyfriend the same feeling as you. My boyfriend wants to break up with me, rejected me because of his illness (Lymphoma) and he is still mad about me because I went to talk to his teacher about his illness. He said why I went to talk to his teacher. This is between him and me that he needs the space and privacy. He is an assistant principal in a high school, so he has a very pride personality. No one can change him. My pain is tremendous toward the break up, but I have to giving to God. All human beings are not perfect. Sometimes we need to praying in all the times, God can make in a different way. I am saying if you love your boyfriend seriously, you can only asking yourself this question. You are the one who know the best answer for yourself, no one can give you. People told us we need to find someone better, we deserve better. But sometime in love we need to suffer for what we need. No one can understand us more than that we in ourselves.
"You are the one who knows the best answer for yourself, no one can give you." Exactly, Shou yan. You're the only who knows what you can live with and what you can't.
I have nothing to add. I have met the woman I have been wanting for years before I met her when I was not looking like everyone says it will happen. she does not treat me bad but I came on too honest too early and i'm in the friend zone and i think i ruined everything. I will not find this level of compatibility again while i still have my youthful energy. When I finnally pinned her down as to why I am not boyfriend or lover material she gave me a narrow and very incomplete view of me which I gently challenged her on. We have the same political/social values, humor, interests, activities and view of old age...we even had the dysfunctional childhood which helps me identify and relate to her and want to reach out with love and healing compassion toward her. We have had great times together but we live 5 hours apart. she asked me how I would live where she does and it would be easy...I explained the whole thing to her. I get verbal and non-verbal mixed messages from her the past 6 months and she recently alowed me to kiss her on the lips but a week later says that's only for boyfriends. The aesthetic attraction, important to me, is killer strong...I love her face and voice. she said she loves how honest and sweet I am, it's not my looks in fact since losing a lot of weight she told me how great I look. I have done a lot of nice things for her and people tell me that's a mistake but with the distance we only get to have snapshots with each other instead of a motion picture. I do meet other women but I want high compatibility and not the partial of all my other LT relationships. I'm 54 she 43 and it's not the age diff...i like her two kids and a lot og guys would call that baggage. she has been open about her anger and childhood with me and she says it is not my looks at all and that I make her laugh. but when I challenged her reason for not boyfriend material she got upset and wants distance and space from me which I am doing and it is hard to not look at her pictures with the necklace i gave to her and she says she loves. We have been under each others roof 5 times...separate bedrooms...i always respected her boundaries. I am so depressed about this i even bought a book about getting out of the friend zone. My Match.com profile from 16 years ago describes her and my therapist assured me that i am not having a school boy crush or obsessive infatuation. I know in my soul we would be great together even others who know us say so. I have no optimism I'm going to find this again and don't know what to do except honor her request to stay away. Catch 22 inside a dilemma wrapped in a conundrum. All I want in my life is my health, my music, the right gal at my side and my friends. I don't need anything else and i know she is dating and sleeping eith others but not me.
What the hell do I do...i still want to win her heart.
You forgive yourself for whatever you're being so hard on yourself for, Andy. You allow yourself to have needs - and recognize that you're not being selfish to want to be with someone who can meet your own needs too. You can't be the only one in a one-sided relationship. You can't be the only one who sees the potential, who sees the "if only" factor in a fantasy that has everything to do with you and nothing to do with her. Find out why you still want someone who is dating and sleeping with others and who so clearly isn't capable of giving you what you need - especially when you're asking for so little in return!
Depression is anger we turn on ourselves, Andy. And no matter where you've been or what you've gone through, you don't deserve to be treating yourself so harshly and accepting the behaviors you're accepting from her. You deserve nothing less than your life full of your health, your music, the right gal at your side and your friends. But if she doesn't want to be that gal, then there's nothing you can do to convince her of that. And you don't someone on those kinds of terms where they have to be convinced of anything to do with you. I suspect you're a kindhearted, sensitive man, Andy, the kind that every woman who's had enough of accepting crumbs instead of love would give anything to find. See that in you. See all that you have to offer someone who's truly worthy of you.
You don't want someone who "allows" you to kiss her in a more intimate way and then later tears apart your self-esteem by announcing that "that's only for boyfriends." How cold, how cruel we can allow ourselves to be treated when we don't truly value ourselves. This stops in a word, when you're ready to say "enough!". But until you come to see all that you are and all that you have to offer - when you can put your qualities in a category of "desirable" instead of the low place you've got them now - this won't become clear to you.
Take a chance on you, Andy. The same chance you've taken on her. You can never be happy chasing after someone who doesn't want to be with you. It's her issues, not yours. No matter what kind of "connection" you feel with her, the practical reality of being with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, can never -ever - be substituted for. No matter what stories you spin to try to tell yourself otherwise, that's how you know someone is truly right for you!
Andy,, how do you know she is sleeping around with others? Did she tell you? If what you say is true, then why are you hanging onto someone that doesn't want you? The writing on the wall is there: she doesn't want you if she only gives you a kiss, keeps you at a distance, and sleeps with others and not with you.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions say she is not interested in you beyond a peck, and wants to keep you at a distance. Look at your actions to her bad behavior: you gave her a necklace. Are you rewarding bad behavior? Gifts are for good behavior. Are you trying to buy her love and commitment? It sounds like you are giving more than she is giving- a one-sided relationship. For what ever reason, she is keeping you and it could be for another piece of jewelry. You're agonizing over the truth about your relationship with her. Maybe your brain is trying to get you to wake up to the truth, but your heart is lying to you and therein lies the conundrum. You need to be true to yourself. Is this all you want? Is this how you want your relationship to be? You're single, there are other women out there that would love to have an attentive, and loyal boyfriend. Why are you choosing to settle for less? Mark this chick of your list and write:unacceptable for Andy and move out smartly. Is it going to hurt? Absolutely, but it frees you to heal and find someone else more suitable and acceptable for Andy. Someone that can be in the relationship with you, instead of waiting on the sidelines. And don't you dare give another piece of jewelry to another woman, unless she earns it. Don't be baiting them with jewelry either when it's way too early, or you'll wind up right here again waiting on the sidelines trying to learn your lesson again. Best wishes for a loving, healthy,and two-sided relationship.
O my! i think the only way we can truly understand what beauty is feeling is if we have been there. Yes I have been there too. Not to this extent but the same seeing "love" through rose colored glasses. If only. If only he could. Guess what he is not on the same page. Mine was back and forth for 5 years! Friends and family not wanting to hear me mention his name/. The last time he showed up and I let him in I was too embarrased to let my family know he was back. I ended it because I finally saw him for who he is! The same person. It didn't matter the "chemistry" we had. I swear I had never felt that way for anyone in my life and I am 42 years old. I had to put all of that aside and face what was in front of me. A lying, cheating man. Once I saw that it was time for him to go. No more excuses for him. It didn't matter what we felt when we were together. What mattered was I felt like I deserved better. I deserved a man who wanted to be with me and only me and has no doubt about it. I deserved a man who wouldn't lie to me and other people ( he was lying to the other women he was cheating with). I was done. Blocked his number and went complete no contact. Even then he still tried to contact me passive aggresively with lies (I won't go into that). I was done. I am done. its been 10 months. I am not 100% but I am hopeful that I will be 100% but the one thing I am 100% of is I know I don't want to have anything to do with him not as a lover nor a friend. That I know.
I cam across this website during my healing process trying to find answers and Jane was the first site I came across that opened my eyes to see that I was not alone. This "thing" happens to many women because we allow it. That was the first step. The knowing. I have met a couple of men that were trying to offer me crumbs of a relationship. I looked the other way because of my experience with my ex. I told myself I was not going to allow another man do this to me. I am single not because I can't find a man. I just know the quality of a man that I want. thank you Jane. Let the ladies know!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Princess. I'm so glad you've come to see this "thing" that happens as not just something that happened to you, but what so many of us go through in finding our own true selves and a strength we never knew. "I am single not because I can't find a man. I just know the quality of a man that I want." - Exactly!!
RUN!!!!! Send him all your LOVE, but keep all of the memories for yourself. You are much stronger than you think...what doesn't kill you , makes you stronger. Be grateful for the experience:) Best wishes..U R BEAUTIFUL!
And it's the only way so many of us learn what we could never otherwise see for ourselves! Thank you, Debi!
Greetings
This story is so juicy. I felt every emotion. Beauty, you are so fortunate to be able to travel and help folks in need. That takes guts and fearlessness.
Your soul is strongrr than you realize.
You will find your peace of mind in time ; when the time comes.
Give Thanks for the breath of life. 1Love Sharri
Exactly what came through for me, too, Sharri. We are always so much stronger than we realize within our selves!
I too am also in similar situation...believe it or not I allowed it to drag on for 6 years. Sunny gave the perfect advice....cut off all contact. They are narcissists..what normal man would treat a beautiful woman and unconditional love this way...from what I understand from many male friends is this is exactly what they are looking for in their lives (a woman who is beautiful inside and out) and can't find one. I have tried unsuccessfully to cut contact off with mine because he seems to worm his way back in everytime. No More...We have the POWER! Why do we expect closure from them? We havent gotten anything from them...we are the closure! We are the prize and if they cant commit to that then they obviously passed the trophy to someone else....Beauty..if it helps write the pros and cons...I did. I had over 60 cons and couldnt come up with 2 pros...why was I so in love with him? Still havent figured it out.
Beautifully said, Angie! Why exactly! When we find that reason, we cure ourselves. But don't waste your time in the past, find it in the living, in the doing, in the being your beautiful true self. That's how the real answers come!
Hi Jane and Beauty
This post has resonated so so much with me.!!
Beauty, you have so much good in you, so much willingness to give of yourself and to make the world a better place.i know that in my situation I feel like I am winning at everything else in my life except for with the one person who I can't have. The person who has shown me his true self so clearly, and who I am so willing to let be a hero in my fantasies, the person who will one day turn up on my doorstep and give me a fairy tale ending!
I am holding myself back from a true and real love story, with someone deserving of my beautiful heart due to not knowing why I can't let go. Feeling fate brought us together and somewhere along the line the happy ending will come. But what Jane and the other posters have said is so so true... I especially agree that people are brought to you to teach you lessons. I am getting stronger every single day, I am working on myself and giving myself the love that he cannot, but still those glimmers of hope remain. I truly hope that one day soon I am able to think of him and just be grateful for the lessons he brought rather than keeping this worthless hope in my heart and soul.
I'm also learning to be gentle with myself and not force this closure we all talk about upon myself.
Jane I can't thank you enough for all the advice you give on here. So gentle and loving but at the same time conveying very very strong messages!
Love and light
Jess x
Hey Jess
You will get there. I did. It has taken me 5 yrs of off and on. I finally cut him off this time I am praying for good. The longest I have gone without contact from him is 13 moths. This time I want to go longer. So far it has been 10 months. I know how hard it is because I went through it. The first step was telling myself I am better off single and sane that "in a relationship" with someone that says he wants a relationship but his actions are showing me otherwise. I have peace of mind and I am grateful to God for it.
Thanks so much Princess, you are doing really well x
After all these months of no contact do you feel anything now? Do you still wonder what could be?
One thing I've read on here (i think) that is my current mantra: "When someone shows you who you are, believe them the first time!" It sounds so simple, why am I letting my mind turn this person into someone else? Arrghhhh..
I geniunely feel that the right person will not come along for me until I can fully accept this and forgive / let go. I wouldn't want to start something with someone until I realise that I am so much better on my own and without him, getting crumbs. Onwards and upwards... Thanks again for writing Princess x
I'm so glad this is all resonating with you and where you're at, Jess; you're so very welcome! It's because I do understand all too well! I can't tell you how many of us have sold our very own hearts and souls for that "feeling fate brought us together and somewhere along the line the happy ending will come!" One step at a time, one gentle compassionate way of treating yourself act at a time, you will absolutely get there, too!
Thanks so much Jane, I know you are right. I just didn't expect this to be such a long process. I know in the past I've always been very realistic and been able to walk away from situations with me where I am not fullfilled / getting what I deserve. Very easily! Why so different with this one? To answer my own question, I think its because of the dreams we shared, that we planned together, that I truly FELT in my heart and soul would happen.... and then they were snatched away from me! I feel deceived and like I've been a victim of theft - if that makes sense! I am proud that I haven't reached out to him for acknowledgement, he has never once said he didn't want me.. always that he is soo soo in love with me, despite actions showing otherwise.
I know you've said that reaching out could help you realise the reality and see the future story for yourself (and i know you're not for one minute saying this is what everyone should do or that its the only way), but I just cannot face it. I don't want rejection or any more pain. I want to get through this on my own, get the closure, without validation from him. But whilst going through this process, my mind still frequently wanders from reality, moving one step forward - back to the fantasy! WHY??! 🙂
I've read every word of Beauty's lovely, heartfelt letter and your amazing response again today, I need to imprint this on my brain! This part really sticks out for me:
"To forgive, to have grace for, to accept, and to gloss over such important clues that are telling you the true story and giving you every possible red flag and warning sign for you to see clearly what you would be getting yourself into were you to follow your heart so blindly and become further involved with this man."
Thanks to this I am going to work on the "how would the future look" document today. I've already recently done a list of points about this man, I got 6 pros - of which most were about feeling chemistry / a connection and filling a void in me that I can now do myself, and .......... 25 cons! The top of which is LIAR! How could I ever think that those "words" meant anything, and let those play over and over in my mind whenever I feel alone, trying to work out HOW he could say those things when all the actions are the complete and utter opposite?
Being able to write all this down is actually huge progress for me, again, I can't thank you enough for your lovely words, that can only come from someone who completely understands, has walked the walk, felt the huge pain, has learned the lessons and has given herself her RIGHT and the chance to have the positive outcome that we all so want! You're a star 🙂
Jess x
So glad this helped to write it all out, Jess. Its because we so want to believe those "words" mean something! And because if we spoke them, they would. So we can't understand, and yet, of course, the problem is we so try to because we want to. Huge motivation there when you're driven by wanting that fantasy to be true. I get it! 🙂 You're so sweet. It's exactly why I'm here. I don't want anyone else to go through this alone the way I did. There's so much more to come for you! 🙂
Beautiful advice! So well written! Great job!
Thank you, Nita. 🙂
Sad to say, but this is me in a somewhat similar situation. I also need to take the power back in the situation. Very good advice, however it is hard to let go when there is no closure. But narcissists rarely ever give closure, that way they know they can come back again and again. The only way to deal with a narcissist who takes your love and leaves you with none, just lip service.......is NO CONTACT. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no facebook or any other social media to communicate, shun them in person if you have to. No nothing. You have to be strong and cut them out of your life. That is the only way to make them stop.
So true, Sunny. It sounds like you understand what she's going through all too well. Thank you!
Stop wasting your precious time and energy Beauty!
Your obsession is just an illusion a fantasy of him, the potential you see in Jo
He is attracted to your beautiful soul only to validate him, to feed his ego
The only good thing he said to you was you deserve better
Yes you deserve so much better, the more time you waste on what ifs? On him
The less energy and time you have to open yourself up to a beautiful consciously aware Man!
People come into our lives for a reason sometimes the reason is to love ourselves more and set boundaries
Let him go for good Beauty. No contact nothing and then believe what you truly deserve is just waiting for you to be ready
Rosy
"Your obsession is just an illusion a fantasy of him, the potential you see" - So well said, Rosy. Thank you for offering your own perspective here. It all helps!