We can almost sense when it's coming. We get that feeling. Then those awful thoughts start rushing in.
Not again. Not another disappointment. Not another ending. Not another heartbreak.
Not another "going through."
The signs are there, the red flags are waving in the sky, but we try so hard to will them away, to excuse them, to explain them, to pretend they're not really there.
The potential – his potential – is all we can see. We're blinded by it, no matter what anyone else says or what we know deep down in our hearts, we don't really want to see.
Why?
Because we know all too well what comes next. That if we allow ourselves to see, then we have to make a decision. And if we have to make a decision, that means we have to choose between loving ourselves and loving someone else. And while that should be obvious, it's never, ever as easy as it seems.
Not to us.
Not to those of us who hold onto every promise, every word, for confirmation that things are still moving forward, 0r at least staying the same. Because just how long we can keep doing the same thing over and over again to avoid the "going through" part is different for every one of us.
Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades? When we choose anyone over ourselves, the limits to what we can put up with (and the time we'll wait for it) can defy all limits.
So great is our programming. So strong is our resolve. After all, can't love conquer all?
Eventually, we can't ignore the warning signs anymore. We say what we think is too much and quickly regret it. We do what we never thought we'd never do and quickly regret that. We become what we never thought we'd ever allow ourselves to become until we can no longer stand ourselves. Until finally, some way, somehow, we reach the point where we finally say the one word that ends it all – enough.
You tried so hard. You did so much. You gave someone every opportunity to come around. You thought you could make him love you. You thought you could be the one. So many tears, so many dashed hopes and dreams and plans. You wonder how you can ever pick up the pieces and start again.
But most of all, you don't want to have to.
Kicking and screaming all the way, we resist. We don't want it to be like this.
Why? Why does it have to be like this? We ask whoever will listen, whoever is still willing to listen to us after so many times asking the same question of the same relationship of the same person. Why?
Because it's the only way.
Through. Not around. There's no avoiding it. What you're about to see, what you're going to discover is gold! You can't learn it any other way.
For whatever reason, you're blind to it without this particular way in this particular time and place. I don't know why it has to be this particular way, but I know that one day you will look back on this moment in time and you will understand exactly why – no matter how much you can't right now.
There's something here for you that's going to change who you are and give you so much more in the long run than any person ever could. Especially this person you're holding on so tightly to who isn't holding on like this to you.
That part you're going to discover for yourself. But it's not anything to fear. It's something to embrace, to welcome, to trust is going to give you so much more if you can open your heart to seeing what's there.
Let him be who he is. Let him have his space if that's what he wants; if that's what his actions tell you he's looking for. Don't make it about you. Don't take any of it personally. If he's not there, he can't see you to even make a decision or judgement about whether you're enough of what he's looking for. That's not where he's at or you would know.
But he can't be more honest because he doesn't know. And you can't be the only one doing all the work, being the only one pulling for the two of you. It's only in that space that you allow him to have that you can ever know if he'll get there on his own. Don't doubt that you'll be the first to know. You will!
But this is about now, not about the future "if only's" and"what if's" that take up so much of our time and energy and leave us lonely for something that doesn't even exist.
Don't fight the "going through"!
I know it hurts. I know you don't want that heartbreak. I know you've been there too many times before. But this is different. You're seeing more. You're open to seeing something that you couldn't see before. That's why it's happening now.
That's why fighting it only hurts you more in the end.
Let it come. Let it be. Let it be the reality that it already is, that only needs your acceptance to let it work it's magic in you. You know you're only going to keep doing this over and over again to yourself if you don't at least try to let it just be this time. Because it's in that acceptance that you'll find the you that you didn't even know was possible.
The you that you never knew lay buried deep down inside you. She's in there. And she doesn't have to fight to get what she's longing for. She doesn't have to struggle to get what she needs. Her role is only to show you, to accept you where you're at, to love you through this process no matter how different it looks from what you could ever imagine you'd be in.
And to let you know that it's going to be OK.
If this resonates with you, I'd love to hear where you are and what you're going through and what I can do to make this easier for you. Share your story in the comments.
Hi Jane,
I am feeling at a loss. I have been dating my boyfriend for six years now. We started dating in highschool and did distance in college. We stopped doing distance 8 months ago when I moved back home. Since we have had to relearn our dynamics and he has been gone almost every weekend last fall so that was upsetting. He is also pretty country and different than me. I also haven’t been able to walk because I had surgery on my ankle and a lot of our activities are outdoors. The other day I didn’t want to hook up with him and he was okay with it then he is driving me home and everything spills out about how he thinks we are just not compatible anymore, that I’m controlling, etc. I said I will work on the things he thinks I am controlling about but he basically said he doesn’t believe me, dropped me off the other night and nothing has been the same since. I asked him to go for a mini hike and he agreed but was only doing one word answers and I confronted him again and told him I feel complete with him and he says he doesn’t anymore. I ask to watch football with him and his family and he ignores me the whole time including dinner with his family. Afterwards we watch a show and he sits on the opposite side of the couch of me and I try to hold his hand and he won’t budge, I even hug him when I leave and he pats me on the back. I don’t know what went wrong. Please help me try to win him back or what i need to do now. He texted me goodnight and good morning. ( some background is my mom got diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s a few weeks ago so that has been tough on me and I brought up engagement about a month ago and he freaked out about it saying we are way too young and I let it go but he can’t seem to) I just want him back but don’t know if I am holding onto something that just needs to be let go. Thank you ❤️
Why do you hold on to someone who doesn't hold on to you?
Focus on yourself, your mom, your own life. Spend time with her, with friends, with family, with people who truly love and support you. This guy is simply not it. He's telling you in more ways than one. Take time to mourn the loss, to grow, and learn. To get stronger in your identity. He let go a long time ago. Why do you want to keep hanging on?
Your life, your heart are worth more than this.
Oh Meaghan, don't ask him. Don't put yourself in that position. You're the prize here, not some second-class citizen. You haven't done anything wrong. He's made up his mind without giving you a chance and you deserve so much more than that. He can't let it go because he can hold it over you and throw it back in your face whenever he needs to create more space. Don't allow him to. This is how we know when someone isn't good for us, when someone isn't on the same page as we are. He's showing you this. Not because of anything you've done, but because of who he is! Don't take this on. You deserve so much more than this!
Dear Jane,
My heart has decided to settle on a man who has broken it several times. And I have a lot of self love, and know what I deserve (the moon!) and that he in no way can give it to me, yet I can't seem to let him go. He gives me just enough hope that he feels the same way about me too, and when I give in and put in the effort or speak up for myself, he runs away. Only to come back and say he messed up, he's unhappy and knows I'm just right for him. And then again he doesn't step up to the plate. I know there's something within him that wants everything he says he wants, but for some reason he can't meet me there. He's had other relationships in between and those haven't worked out either. I decided I was going to move on and leave him in 2016, but then after these 11 days of the new year I gave in and texted and he put it all on me. The classic "haven't heard from you in a while." Well last I checked it's a two-way street. I always feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't with him, and I don't want to go through that anymore. I have a great career and social life and several hobbies. Why am I so stuck on him? Why does he keep feeding me this false hope? I feel so stupid, but I am such a smart person! Damn heart! Please help!
It's a dynamic that fuels both of you on a subconscious level, Stella. The way to change it is for one of you to do something different to break the cycle. It Is a two-way street. You're not damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you are, that's not love, that's not grace, that's not compassion for the humanness in you, that's two people on two different pages being triggered to keep engaging because each of you holds something for the other. You're not stupid; you know so much more than you think you do. Allow yourself to go there, to listen to what you intuitively know, to trust yourself this time. You always know.
Good Evening....been with my love almost 9 years, married almost 5. We came together during a very unstable time in my life and her support and harsh personality was aimed at my demons in the beginning. She came into my life when I needed her most. Our start was rocky and peppered with setbacks for years but we felt united in getting through it together. We are perfect together alone but now that we have gotten past our obstacles, that harsh personality and iron fist is now directed at my high school children and me as a parent. Kids are successful and well behaved but we now live in a "military school environment". The disapproval, intolerance and lack of patience simply has to stop. For me and for my children. I feel my relationship with my children has been compromised trying not to undermine her and put forth the solid parental front. So yes, dreading "going through" it because I have also supported her financially, just don't want to go through any of it again. She has no where to go, I still love her dearly but enough is enough. I have lost myself trying to please her and mediate the household. We have cuts and scars on our feet from walking on eggs shells. Trying to start the process but she is not receptive. Someone between not leaving and not even caring her world is about to crumble. Signed....deeply in love, scared simply sad
I'm so sorry, Rex. This sounds so sad on so many levels. Is there anything she would be receptive to? Can you find some common ground? Where there's harshness, there's almost always vulnerability underneath. If you can understand that and put yourself in her shoes, you may be able to see things you couldn't otherwise see. I know this runs deep and there are no easy answers here, but my hope is that knowing there's something greater here for you, for her, for your family in all of this will give you some added strength to find your way. No matter what it seems, you're never alone when you have a heart like yours. Sometimes it's in the letting go of what we can't control or do anymore that the answers come unexpectedly.
I have been dealing with the same thing and finally get the just going through it....we were together almost 5years engaged and bam...he texts that he isn't sure about us anymore he is going through something and doesn't want to drag me through it..i of course said that's what love is...he was already texting someone else as far as I know it's only been dinners and texting...but it doesn't matter I haven't bothered talking to him in over 2 weeks...i no longer worry how he is...i love him but can't imagine ever being with him again..i deserved better..to be treated with respect at least but he did not there are other things he did that made me realize he is not right for me ...i think I gave up too much of me and I like who I am...i can wait till someone else sees me like I do
"and I like who I am" - LOVE this part, Jennifer. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. But honestly, after this, I can't wait til someone else sees you like you do either. You deserve nothing less!
Oh Jane! This could not have come at a better time
Each one of your blog posts lights up a new place inside of my heart, where genuine self-compassion, clarity and hope illuminate the way forward like nothing I have ever experienced before. Your gift to the world is truly monumental. You truly are like a life-bouy in this turbulent sea of dating.
Having always attracted emotionally unavailable men, I was finally able to understand and make my pattern conscious about a year ago. (Largely due to your blog).
And while I have and continue to make earnest efforts to know my own worthiness and break my pattern by recognizing red flags and terminating the relationship as quickly as possible, I am still struggling so much. BUT I must say that now, there is a little more 'space' and a lot more clarity around the struggle, thanks to you.
My latest learning opportunity presented itself the past week. Last year I had met a guy at a concert with whom I danced with most of the night, he being an exceptional dancer. We wend out on one day after that and not feeling the chemistry, I did not agree to a second date. Last week we saw each other by chance and he asked me out again. I decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to date someone that maybe I am not instantly attracted to as much, using the reasoning that all of my attractions prior have not worked out. So thats an interesting question I have- that balacnce between trusting our feelings and stepping out of our comfort zone.
So we have been on two dates, involving a group of his friends. However the same old heart-wrenching feelings began to appear when I felt like I was not a priority for him, and once again sinking into my old role of wondering if he likes me, and feeling sick to my stomach that I am not seen, understood or valued the way I witness healthy couples being towards each other.
This manifested during our two dates in the form of often being left alone as he danced with his friends or was otherwise engaged with them. I work hard to include myself , and so I talked with his friends too, but I didn't feel warm support from him through any of it. I felt like more of an afterthought. I kept repeating to myself "I am Worthy", and that helped.
I guess what I am confused about is- should I continue to be available for what may be a budding relationship, or should I listen to my deep feelings and cut it off now? I have done this several times already, and it too is very painful. A part of me wonders if I should stick this out, and regard it as a learning opportunity to apply worthiness and relative non-attachment, in the event that my insecurities are unfounded. I'm just not sure. I want to grow and learn in this area more than anything, and am willing to try anything.
One of the learning goals is deciding to walk away when the writing is on the wall. If you're already seeing his lack of attention, believe it. He's probably already shown you or said something that foreshadows what's to come. Think clearly. One of my learning goals was paying attention and believing my intuition. Whenever it felt off for me, that was enough for me to say "Next". So far, I haven't been wrong.
There's always something there, Terra. Whether it's as much as our sensitive intuitive nature sees, or some variation, there's still some reason you're not feeling a mutual "same page" feeling with him. While pushing through our comfort zones to walk through our learning opportunities may seem the thing to do, my question would be is this loving to you? Does this treat the beautiful, sensitive woman you are deep down inside in a compassionate, gentle way that celebrates these very qualities in you? If you can just have fun and not take anything he does or doesn't do to heart, then there's nothing wrong with hanging out with someone for companionship if it serves you. But it doesn't sound like this is what's going on here. If you're only fooling yourself or trying to talk yourself into believing you can do this, then let go now. We're not meant to stretch and grow around the very people who aren't capable of supporting us through that stretch and growth. I hope this helps!
This is what I'm so scared of Angel. You said it's been a while. I don't want to feel like this indefinitely. I don't want to feel like this at all. I'm like a yoyo. I know I'm only 3 days in but I feel so raw. I go back and forth between being angry and strong and a complete wreck. But mostly im a wreck. Mostly I'm hopeful I'll hear from him again and I know that's not good. I just want him to miss me and realise he was stupid and he can commit to me, but I know I'm clutching at straws and even if he ever did say them things I'd always be second guessing his feelings.I just can't imagine never seeinghim again. Never touching him again. Never calling him my monkey. I'm crying my heart out as I write this, I can't eat, I'm nearly sick, I can't breathe. I have to go back to work on Monday and I don't think I can hold it together. I just wish I had a crystal ball and I could see what's going to happen. I'm not sure of anything other than I won't be contacting him. I'm strict on that. He knows my feelings. I just hate the thought of us both stubbornly sat refusing to call or text if we both realise we should be together. If Iwas an outsider reading this id tell myself to pull myself together but I honestly feel like someone died and took a part of me with them
I know, Sheree. I know exactly how you feel. It is devastating. One thing I can tell you is: it won't last forever. We won't feel like this forever. Nature and life are wonderful that way. It is actually impossible to feel this way forever. For now, cry it out. Call in sick if you need to. Allow yourself to mourn the loss. It is absolutely necessary to later move on. Don't force yourself to feel something you just can't feel right now. Just breathe, cry, breathe, eat even if you don't feel like it and sleep. Treat yourself like your own loving mother would treat you, without forcing you to feel another way, without judging you. One day at a time. We are strong, we just need to go through it and we'll be out of this. It took me a painful year for me to understand that this man just cannot love me. It has been really painful. I still can't see him without taking a beating inside. It feels like someone stabbed me right in the center of my being and twisted the knife several times before pulling it out. It is awful. It's been a week since I last saw him and today is the first day I feel somewhat able to lead a semi normal day. Hang in there, Sheree. We're here if you need us. Big hug to you
What was your man's issue that he couldn't commit after one year? Has he made any efforts to contact you in the last week? I certainly empathise with the stabbing. I described it to my mum as feeling like a horse has kicked me in the chest, leaving me bruised and breathless. I can't even think because of the volume of my own thoughts in overdrive. I normally write poetry but I don't even know where to start this time. Since this morning Ihave been shopping to buy new clothes and I went to the gym to get the endorphins running. My friend is bringing ice cream round tonight and I have a busy weekend. Unfortunately it's busy doing things we should have done together such as a gig to see my fave band, but I'll be damned if i don't do them because of him. Hopefully I will start feeling
My story is a little different from yours I think. I moved to a new country all by myself and while looking for a place to rent I met him. He was interested in getting to know me and after a couple text messages trying to hang out with me, I agreed to meet him. We got along great from the beginning. He introduced me to his friends and I was accepted by them immediately. He was sort of flirty and I started liking him. But there were red flags from the beginning, I just chose to ignore them. He did tell me he liked me and loved having me around and we could cuddle and stuff if I wanted, but he didn't want any complications. That was clear, although back then, it didn't feel like it was to me. I fooled myself thinking that if I stuck around, he would get to know me and come to like me. He was sweet and affectionate and of course later on he did crossed the "friends" line, but I let him. And it has been painful all this year. It's me having had hope even though he said it from the beginning, that he was not interested. I spent way too much time with him. I stayed almost every weekend with him home, went dancing, cuddled, we had sex once, he was always wishy washy. He one day acted as if he wanted me and the next day he stepped back and acted like he didn't really wanted me at all. It was just really frustrating and hard for me. He actually met someone else and he was also hung up on some other girl who doesn't live in this country. That girl he met ended up stealing from him and attacking him, so he ended that. It all hurt. I took in all his issues and I guess somehow I wanted to save him and wanted him to love me. But we all know how that ends.
Last time I went dancing with him, he left me alone the entire night to go flirt with other girls he met there. I felt so lonely, hurt, angry, unlovable and rejected. It was my wake up call. It was time for me to realize he just can't love me. He never will. So last week after me not showing up to hang out with him and him insisting on seeing me, I agreed to go out to dinner. He apologized for that night, but he apologized for what mattered least to me. He apologized for being drunk, so I felt the need to set the record straight. I told him that was not what sent me running away. I just said that he hurt me by leaving me alone at a club to go flirt with other girls. That I knew he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, that we were just on two completely different pages and we were just having different feelings towards one another. I told him I tried to stick around on his terms but that I just couldn't. That I was sorry I put myself in just a horrible position and that I was sorry about putting him in an awkward position by not walking away when he first said he wasn't interested. He got teary eyed and apologized and said he wasn't trying to hurt me. I looked at him and said: I know. He felt sorry he couldn't love me. He felt helpless. I felt sorry for him, but I feel even more sorry for myself. So that's that.
It has been hard for me to realize that I keep on doing this to myself because deep down I have problems believing I deserve a man who does love me. I have been really sweet and naive thinking that if I stick around long enough and show him how great I can be, a man will love me. But I've failed at that. It's time to look at things for what they are. I created a fantasy around him that was never there. It's time for me to start taking care of myself, to realize that I am solely in charge of my happiness and that relationships are not supposed to fill voids.
I feel very lonely now, but I also feel a bit of hope that I am going to be fine on my own.
I started listening to spiritual guides and I really feel better. You can youtube Noah Elkrief. He did help me get through my day today. Also Kute Blackson. They were highly inspirational for me today.
I have stumbled across this post while searching the Internet like a woman possessed for words of wisdom to help me through my breakup. I'm glad this post was so recent as it makes me feel like it is relevant to me now. I feel guilty to feel this bad as I can see women have replied after being with their partners 20+ years. I started talking to mine online in April 2014 and we met in may. I knew when I met him he had gotten badly hurt by his ex partner in February this year when she walked out of their relationship. He shouldn't have been online dating, it was too soon, but after 3 years of being single and dating loser after messer after idiot, I met this man who I connected with on so many levels. He was everything I wanted and more. We started a relationship and everything was great. I was so glad to finally have someone right for me and to be out of the awful dating pool. As time went on, towards the end, I realised that perhaps we weren't on the same page. He lived 50 miles away and worked 2 jobs which meant I didn't get to see him as much as I would have liked. When I spoke optimistically about things not always being this way, that in the future we could live closer, he didn't share my enthusiasm. Then I started pushing, trying to drag something out of him to prove he saw me in his future, but I never got it. We spoke and he quit his second job, and I offered to see him one evening a week, to put extra effort in to make this work. We arranged I would go over on Tuesday this week. On Monday night I text him and said I would collect him from work at 4.30. I didn't get a reply. On Tuesday I text him asking him to confirm that would be OK, no reply. I set off anyway on the 50 mile journey with no assurances he even knew I would be there. 4.30 rolled round and he didn't come out of work. His phone was off, and by 5pm I went to his house. He wasn't there. I went back to the school, no sign of him. Phone still off. I was going out of my mind. At 6.15pm he finally called. He hadnt even looked at his phone and then his battery died. That spoke volumes. While I was going out of my way to drive and see him, to make plans , while I looked at my phone regularly for contact from him, he didn't even glance at his or have any plan in place for our evening and saw no value in contacting me to cement a plan. We spoke face to face and he said he wanted us to be together but he couldn't guarantee a future for us, he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to waste my time. I didn't cry. I walked away. I hoped he would come after me, but he let me go. He text me that night but only an apology, saying he cared for me and would miss me but that he would stop texting me. He said he wanted me in his life when I felt ready, I presume he meant as a friend. I can't do that. I've beat myself up about things I said or did but I'm trying now to see this is his problem. Not mine. I'm 27. I wasnt asking for marriage but an assurance of a future, or at least the optimism. He can't provide that so now we've stopped contact. I didn't beg. I want to try and get through this, to keep myself busy. I don't have many friends unfortunately but I'm calling on the ones I do have. I have moments where I hope he'll see he was wrong and call me, but I need to spend time on myself so if that day does come, I can reevaluate with a clear head. If it doesn't come, I've got all the answers I needed there.
That sounds so sad, Sheree. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can completely understand how you feel. It doesn't matter if it's years or months. When we open up our hearts to love and it doesn't turn out well it hurts. It just does. No matter what the situation is.
I am still struggling with the infamous unrequited love conundrum. It has been a while, but I still feel down. Consciously I know it wasn't my fault and it just wasn't meant to be, but I can't help feeling like a failure sometimes. Sometimes I even feel ashamed of having fallen for a man who simply cannot love me back. It is so hard to accept and leave behind.
It doesn't make things easier when I honestly want to see men in a different light and myself in a different light. Lately I have been reading so much information that has been very enlightening but when my feelings are still so raw, when I still feel so hurt, I find resistance to it, even if I truly want to put it to practice. I guess all we need is time and distance.
Dear Jane,
Sorry for the confusion in the names in my previous post, you can call me Isabella or Julia, it doesn't matter. I am a woman who needs help anyway Awaiting your comments and the other readers' too. Thanks a lot.
Hello Jane my name is Isabella, I need your precious advice:
After a one year long distance relationship, and after showing many signs of non-commitment and acting distant, a man broke up with me on facebook saying that maybe we will meet in another life when no distance shall be anymore between us. In a very poetic way. I was so hurt because we had plans to meet in different cities in the world, but in his message he made it clear that he didnt' want to make this effort anymore. I was so upset but so mad, that I didn't reply anything but blocked him immediately as a reaction to his message. My reaction was very violent, because I was so disgusted by the way he did the ending.
2 weeks later while I was still expecting something exceptional, I received a very short e-mail form him asking : "Are you ok? please give me your news". I didn't reply because I felt that he avoiding to be direct, he was only being polite without being sincere and he was acting as if nothing happened. He seemed so coward. Why would he speak so politely and so distant? Is it only because he felt guilty? I didn't reply either.
2 other weeks later he sent another mail saying almost the same thing, : "It's been a long time i haven't heard from you. I hope all is well".
Does this mean he doesn't know the reason why I blocked him? Maybe he thinks that I am the one who broke up? I am so hurt that he didn't ask a direct question in his e-mails (such as, what happened? did I upset you?, why did you block me? Is there any misunderstanding? why can't we talk? etc...). His e mails are so cold. It's been one month now without any message from him. What should I do? maybe he thinks I am the one who broke up? Do his e-mail mean that he really wants me back? or do I have to wait for a clear and direct messages? If he really wants me back is there still any chance he would still contact me even though I have blocked him ? would the blocking stop him? You always say Jane that if he ever changes his mind, i will be the first one to know. right? Does this apply even if I have blocked him?
why do I feel that I am the one who is supposed to fix things, while he is the one who should be doing it? If he wanted to fix this, shouldn't he insist more?
Please tell me Jane. I need your wisdom.
The other readers can give me their comments too.
Greetings,
Welcome to the family. Peaceful blessings to you.
I dont think anyone can answer your question, "did he really like you"?
Deep down you already know the answer.
Being honest with our selves is the key blessings of true self love.
So far, you have only been on 1 date, and you already feel disrespected and confused.
And you are blaming yourself for scaring him away. Why is that?
Because you know YOU deserve better!
What qualities in a man are you looking for?
Not the superficial stuff. Not the fantasy stuff,
but what is it in a man that allows you to be the essence of YOU?
Jane wrote a wonderful article. "What to look for in a man, 10 qualities he must have".
Check out her posts. They are real honest, empowering and soothing. 1Love Sharri
We had two dates. But I understand your point. And yes, disrespected and confused. And disappointed.
Did I do something wrong? Met a guy on a website. He is corporate litigation attourney. Had a nice date on a wed. He asks me out immediately and we agree to Friday. He cancels because he has to work late and prepare for some work the next day. Asks if we can reschedule for next week. I say yes, wish him well on his work
Monday - he contacts me immediately and we arrange for Friday.
Friday - he asks if he can reschedule because of a work thing to next night. I say I can't but can meet up later that night or Sunday. We end up meeting up. He is exhausted. He asks if he can see Sunday.
Sunday - he cancels because he has to work, we arrange to see each other Tuesday which is one of the days I offer up.
Tuesday - he cancels again because of work. Asks if we can do the weekend. I say yes, but I am out of town and Sunday dinner would work.
Sunday - I get on an airplane at 1, off at 3:00 - so two hours. He has texted at some point, I respond saying that I am am home, looking forward to date. He texts at 4, saying when he did not hear from me, he made other plans. This feels really icky! Is two hours too long to be out of pocket or 3pm too lat to make dinner plans? I then ask him is he could be lured into still doing something but could do wed, which he offers up.
Monday - he says let's try Wednesday and apologizes. He had consistently used the language of try. I make a joke saying - No more trying this time ;-). Looking forward to it!
Wednesday - he has disappeared completely.
I scared him away. By not being around in the afternoon on Sunday and suggesting we don't try. Or is he just a not very nice man? What is reasonable here?
I liked him and wanted a chance to get to know him. I felt really disrespected on Sunday, and feel confused and disappointed. It was one thing to cancel for work, but every date had to be moved. Did he even like me?
It is like you are in my mind. This man i am hung up on has nothing, i knew. This going in,i helpef him financially. After he had to go back on keppers a seasure med everything went wrong, he wants to be alone and no desire. I don't. Know why i can't get him out of my mindn
Thank you so much Jane...your words really motivates me and almost bring tears to my eyes.TIme to close every door to those who don't appreciate you..
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. This is the part that is always so hard for me. I don't like the withdrawals and during this transition, I seem to always cave. Out of loneliness of lack of sex. But the ironic thing is, that I feel even lonelier after sex with him because it makes me want to be closer and I'm not really having any sex anyway!! So any tips on the transition period would really be helpful.
You're so welcome, Sheila. Take this time to nourish you. To find some creative outlets for you to express yourself, to nurture that little girl inside you who doesn't know any limits to what she can do. Surround yourself with people who "get" you, and spend as little time as possible with the ones who don't, who give you any reason to doubt yourself and who you are. Find what you're looking for in you, whatever that looks like. You don't answer to anyone else - now or anytime, except you.
Exactly what I have been ''going through" lately. But it isn't him, it's me. Well, maybe both. It's a 'short' long distance relationship. We both are divorced. We see each other, every other weekend. Our kids love each other and my kids adore him and he them.
I haven't had a relationship in over 5 yrs., and he 7 yrs. I keep pulling away. Every little thing, like a missed phone call, pushes me back. I fall into a whirlwind of feeling so hurt and disappointed, and I withdraw. He calls, and texts and emails, telling me all we have to look forward to. That he isn't going anywhere. That its all been so great, and how I make him feel like no one ever has before me. I just keep moving further away. I don't know why I do.But I have a lot of excuses... Maybe I don't want to be hurt again. Maybe I feel like I deserve more. Maybe I feel my kids deserve to see a healthy and happy relationship to learn to build their own someday, and he and I aren't showing them enough. etc., etc.
I love him with all my heart. Totally adore him and his daughter. He makes me laugh and smile and giggle like a teenager. It's all amazing. The entire world around me disappears when he kisses me. And he actually brought out the 'me' that was hidden so deep inside. But I keep looking for excuses to back away. I just wonder why I do it. Because I really can't let go-I don't want to. But I keep him emotionally distant from me and I can't figure out why.
I know so well the ''going through'' feelings of an ending relationship. And I don't want to hurt him that way. Yet, in a way, I wonder if I am missing something in these feelings I have, and if maybe my excuses are my instincts. So hard to figure out. I only know that I was in an abusive marriage, and a few abusive relationships in the past and I won't accept anything that is less than I think I deserve, I won't accept unhappiness. I won't accept unfaithfulness, or anything else that is uncomfortable to me. I won't accept being treated less than what I KNOW I am. And although this man is none of those negative things- I still pull away. Do you think maybe I set my standards too high for anyone to ever reach??
This post really resonates with me. I'm one to resist as much as I can having to accept the reality of my situation. It's been 6 months and I'm still madly in live with him and feeling heartbroken. I'm able to be happy at times and I'm not in pieces like I was the first few months, but there are still days when I feel like I just can't handle us not being together. I see him on a regular basis due to circumstances and I am actively working to change that. But I still cry sometimes and I can't seem to get past the horrible thoughts I have sometimes...that he doesnt have feelings for me anymore...of him with someone else. Every so often rational thinking escapes me and all I can think is that he must be happier without me, otherwise he'd be with me. Even though he said our year together. was his happiest and how amazing I was. I just get stuck. I'm afraid he's over me and I haven't moved on one bit.
I so hear you, Gemma. There's nothing that derails us faster than having someone move on from us faster than we've moved on from them. Be with where you are. Accept whatever it is you feel or fear. It's in that compassionate acceptance that we discover a self-acceptance that heals so much - because it's really ourselves that we wrestle with, more than anyone else.
This is me Jane...but why am I going through it again? I thought that this time it would be different. It started out great. But again along the way, all these obstacles got in the way. I am totally broken now . I keep hoping that he will stop seeing whoever and want me back. He will realize that I am the one and come back... I don't understand how he just goes completely cold. Just picks up with someone else liked we never had a relationship. Doesn't he feel anything for me anymore? He won't talk to me or even answer any of my messages.
I am trying so hard to go on. I know date other guys, but honestly I can't right now. Even though it's so easy for him, it isn't for me. Why is that? I don't want to keep feeling like...every time I read one of your articles, it keep saying you will understand one day? But when is that day going to be here? Feeling Broken Hearted Again!!!
When you know longer have to wonder, to ask, to look for this thing you're looking for as being so elusive. When you can recognize your "right" to it. When you no longer question whether you deserve it. When you no longer see this in the light of "he won't talk to me or even answer any of my message", but in the reality of what it really is that you don't want someone in your life who won't talk to you or even answer any of your messages. So much more you deserve than this, Pammy! But no one can bring you to this; it's something that in our own time and way we discover on our own time line. Be patient with yourself. Be loving and gentle and compassionate with where you are right now. It will happen when you least expect it, when you understand what we can never understand in the "going through". Continue on this path, be open to seeing something different than what you've seen there before, because there's so much more to life and love than this.
Once again I feel like you wrote this latest blog just for me :). "She doesn't have to struggle to get what she needs" - that speaks volumes to me. I've been working hard to release people and let them go when they aren't adding anything positive to my life and the word "struggle" is how I've been defining the feeling as well.
Relationships take work, effort, time, a conscious effort to be present, engaged, connected. Effort yes, struggle no.
I've been "struggling" with someone for way too long and getting your email today felt like the universe yelling at me...."trust your instincts and if you won't, I'm going to put an email in your inbox to give you an extra kick in the but!" Kind of funny how things happen, but I feel a sense of comfort and confirmation reading your article and all of the comments from people going through similar feelings/experiences.
The interesting thing is that in time, it does seem like they always do come back to you after you've released them. The difference the 2nd time around is us, our perspective....our strength, our viewpoint from where we are today vs where we were back then.
Thanks Jane for a divinely timed email!
Kim
"The difference the 2nd time around is us, our perspective....our strength, our viewpoint from where we are today vs where we were back then." - Beautifully said, Kim. So glad you're seeing this all more clearly, in a way that's resonating with you! "Relationships take work, effort, time, a conscious effort to be present, engaged, connected. Effort yes, struggle no." - Exactly!
Hi Jane
What resonates with me is your helping me understand why an otherwise intelligent man could miss such clear indications that something just was not right...things like not wanting to come with me to the hospital, put my plans to holiday on standby and lie to me telling me she was checking every few days, avoid visiting friends or to get a portrait, not helping me in a flood, not wanting to go on a getaway weekend, not including me attending functions, etc. I will spare you any more. Things seem clear now but were not then....***because I did not want the truth to be true***!!!!
Until it became so apparent to our friend one day that I was hurting.
I had built her up to be a good person when that could not be further from the truth. Understanding helps, but I still replay things and wonder why. So much of a relationship is built on various levels of trust. Believing you know someone. Appreciating kindness and wanting to return it and have it continue. Coming to realize that it is all based on something that "doesn't even exist" is hard to face. Even if it is one person doing all the work, while the other sits back and takes advantage.
Thanks Jane, but can anyone make this easier to go through? Lied to, deceived by a hard hearted woman that I loved? Why would I want to trust anyone again? I agree with you that this will/has changed me. I feel like my best was not good enough, because in the end I did not make her love me. So I feel I failed. Sadly, just like I could not make her love me, I cannot make me not love her.
Peace and Blessings Wayne
Welcome to the family. Sending fire and courage to you from me.
I used to think really think I could turn a frog into a prince. I finally had to accept that I am not the exception to the rules. I realize that nothing would make him love me unless he wanted to. Think about. Do you want to be with someone who does not want or knows how to love. Love is effortless and fearless.
Go out there and get back the love of your life. YOU!!!! 1love
Exactly, Wayne. You can't fail. It's not up to you. It has to come from her, not you. You could never, ever be happy in the long term living like this, living the only way you could have lived with her on the terms she set for you.
Greetings Selina
Today is about you. Jane wrote a beautful note to us a couple of days ago. I repeat " You are as alone as you want to be" Good for you for taking your leaps of faith..1Love
Thanks Sherri x
It's been five months now after a 7 1/2 year relationship. For the last 3 1/2 months I have done no contact but it has been so hard because he has been trying to contact me through text emails and telephone. He has been with other women since the day Ii left but still says he is so sorry for how he has treated me and wants me to give him another chance. I do not want to go back to all of the lying, manipulating, cheating and verbal abuse that I put up with before. After an alcoholic childhood two failed marriages and now this recent relationship I am tired of going through it over and over -- is time to stop. Having said that I have done extremely well but it is so hard not to respond to all of his fake apologies and words because his actions match none of them. I pray every day for strength and stamina to not respond and to continue living my life for myself. I am taking one day at a time and so far so good even if it is the hardest thing to do. I pray for everyone on this website to also find the strength to carry on for ourselves. I have learned the hard way that if we don't take care of ourselves no one else can do it for us.
Blessings to all,
Annette
"I do not want to go back to all of the lying, manipulating, cheating and verbal abuse that I put up with before." - And this is where you discover the power of you, Annette. To recognize that it is your choice what you want in your life and what you don't. That's how powerful you are! You choose, even when you don't want to; because you realize what matters most is doing the most loving thing you can do for you.
Hi Jane, Many of your posts speak to me.
I stopped speaking to the man who broke my heart and soul, the day after he left (in the middle of the night); he continued to keep in contact me to "see how I was" and I cut all communication from him. It's the most difficult, and yet, best, thing I've ever done. What I do feel now, a handful of months later, is a lack of closure/finality, as I stopped speaking to him and haven't a clue what I did wrong. He listed 10-ish excuses pertaining to himself, his past relationships and need for space; yet told me our time together was the happiest of his life. Wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with that, so I stopped communication. Now I feel like I'm shutting down on the inside; like the thing I'm supposed to learn and grow from is so intangible that I won'r/can't recognize it.
This really resonates with me! After getting divorced I met my last boyfriend who I was with for 2 years. For a long time I had the feeling that things weren't right but I so wanted it to work after a failed marriage and I thought I could see his potential. It took me a while to realise that we wanted different things and really weren't compatible altho I loved him and just wanted us to work.
So a year ago I eventually took the leap and called it off. I'm finally learning to start to love myself altho I do still have terribleomwnrs wen I fear I'll be alone forever.
Your emails help me greatly. It's so good to know ur not alone.
Thank you xx
So glad this resonated with you, Selina! Let your fears come and go; be with where you are whatever that looks like or feels like. They don't define you unless you allow them to. You're never, ever alone here in what you're going through.
Be patient with yourself, Al. Don't try so hard to see it, whatever it is for you. Don't defer to him to know what he wants, much less to let you know what you did "wrong". You don't have a clue what you did wrong because you didn't do anything "wrong"! Two different pages, two different things. It's only when it ends that we can be assured of this. It probably was the happiest time of his life, but he didn't know what to do with that. Because of him and his stuff, and not because of you. Don't shut down; find it instead in you. Find your own creative expression of all that's inside you just bursting to come out and just be. He doesn't define who you are as a person. Your relationship with him doesn't define you as a person. You define you. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be free.
I remember having the panic attack when I realize this was happening once again. Your words explain just how I felt at that moment I did not know anyone else could have felt this way. I was in the bathroom crying and could not breath at the hair saloon no less when I realize that this was really starting to happen. I cried, I talk to my friends again and again telling the same story over and over even begging God please don't let this happen! It is going on a year and I still have my struggles I still wish I could just get through this already, but it helps to talk about it on this site and to have people that understand. At least I know now that this can be a learning experience that I grow from and build a healthy relationship with myself. Part me always wonder if it could have been different, especially when he started contacting me again around April I never respond because I knew he was not the one for me, but I still have those fantasies of him coming in and declaring his love for me. I guess we heal step by step one day at a time.
Peace and Blessings.
Yes Sophia you will get thru this. Why? Because you will no longer be put on lay-A-Way. When you allow folks to choose to pay on their time and their terms. Hencefortth, you become a bargin to them and not a luxury. Feel life thru you eyes only. 1 love
Thank you, Sharri
For your kind words!
You're never alone in those feelings, Sophia! I'm so glad you're seeing that and realizing there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. One step, one day, sometimes one moment at a time is how we find what heals us right where we are. When we accept ourselves in exactly that same place.
Thank you, Jane 🙂
As with many of your readers, today's comments touched me deeply. I sent my man packing a little over a month ago. Our short 5 month relationship was (for the most part) wonderful. In the beginning, we agreed to give ourselves, and our relationship 120 days to determine if marriage we something we could consider (we're both in our 50s). At 45 days he accepted a job out of state, but still close enough to make it back every weekend, or so he said. At 120 days he said he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, that I was the one...we agreed on a long engagement ( 1 year) to be sure (he's been married twice before) that our new found love was more than infatuation., and to allow time for him to find a job back here. We were so compatible-it seemed we wanted the same thing. We spent weekends shopping for engagement rings and houses...then...
that feeling...in the pit of my stomach...he couldn't make it one weekend, because he was scheduled for some "last minute training" that his boss cancelled 30 minutes before he was to leave for the class. He couldn't come back to drive me to the hospital for an out patient surgical procedure because he couldn't get the time off. He didn't want to come back the following weekend (after the surgery), but didn't discuss it with me, and didn't tell me until I asked...then when I asked about our "engagement" (I was waiting on the ring we had picked out), he was no longer sure..."...didn't want to hurt me...not fair to make me wait..."
I am so familiar with this type of withdrawal. I knew it would only be a matter of time...and I wasn't willing to play. In anger, and by text, I told him I didn't want to see him (after he said he wasn't coming the weekend after surgery, without even discussing his plans with me), that it was over. I immediately apologized for responding in anger, and said I didn't want it to end this way, but we agreed from day one, that if either of us thought there was no future for us, we would move on, amicably. It hurt, but I felt in my heart, if he's not ready, he's just not ready for me.
Rather than respond, he chose to completely cut me off. He promised he would never use the silent treatment, and yet, despite my apologies, and attempts to reach out, it's the first thing he did. I haven't heard from him, since. I know ending it was the right thing to do for me, but I'm so torn by his response, especially since it's what I thought he really wanted. I feel so disconnected, and a little lost. I'm not sure what I expected, but I never thought it would end like this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Greetings. Sending strength and courage your way. No matter what. You choose YOU.
Dont chase his arse. Let him chase you and sleep like the Queen you truly are. Stop the worrying and whinning. It creates wrinkles around the eyes. Plus, just for laughs to help you feel better. Wishing your ex get stuck in traffic with full blown diarrhea wearing all white. Hahaha!
Always here for you, Skk. Write it out, let the words you feel speak for themselves when you share, when you allow yourself to feel what you feel without apologizing, without excusing, without explaining away your right to be!
Yes this is where i am at . I have a friendship with a man , that i am determined to see the reality of with him to hear him when he talks . I know that if I can't have a real relationship with him , i will never be able to have it with anyone. He is a man I trust more then any other , sometimes fearing what I want to say but I am moving thru the fear and talk to him anyways. I struggle with not having expectations , just seeing and hearing what is . it is an effort . It is like working a muscle, you have to practice with the heavy stuff to get strong.
And you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, Carrie.
Jane....Girl you have done it again....Great article!! this spoke to my spirit!! I had been secretly holding on to the maybe, what if, and only if, etc. "this person you're holding on so tightly to who isn't holding on to you". "let him be who he is. Let him have his BS (problems. children, lies, whores, insecurites, low self-esteem) "Don't make it about you", for years I have been make other people things about me...but today is the last day that happens. "Don't take any of it personally', let someone find you/me that is worthy!! Channel that energy on something and someone else!! This is the GREATEST "The YOU that you never knew is deep down inside of you", "you do not have to fight to get what she's longing for. She doesn't hav ato struggle to get what she needs. Her role is only to show you, to accept you where you're at, to love through the process no matter how different it looks from you could ever imagine you'd be in'. Jane - there was nothing else to say!!!
So glad this resonated so much with you, RealDavis! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this, for getting to the root that says it has to be this way for you to be loved - this making "other people's things about me". You've got this!
RealDavis is the Real deal. Thank you for your fire.1 Love
Jane, it is so wonderful and refreshing to have someone write the thoughts that are going on in my head. I can't believe how hard my recent breakup has been. I know that we as women don't always do everything right and we have areas of life that we need to work on. However, so much more so, I am finding men who either shy away completely from relationships OR start out and everything looks great, only to finally bail when things get more serious. Praying for our men to rise up out of selfishness, to get priorities in order, see the value of having a wife and a partner to journey through life with and a desire to work together in a relationship. It amazes me that even after being the one to sacrifice so much as I excused away all of the reasons I felt neglected and confused during our relationship, that I still can go right back and keep blaming myself somehow when it very clearly had nothing to do with me. I can't shake the "but at the beginning, he was a different man, why can't I have that man back?" Holding on to every promise, every word... that really resonated with me. I know you often say that once a man feels he's ready to be in a committed relationship, that I would be the first to know. My question is, although we absolutely broke up, comments we made on his part such as not what he wants but needs and not to say we won't get back together, what is your opinion on just asking him where he stands now that we are a few months out. Should I just resolve within myself to let go or ask him if he's got some clarity on where he is in all this?
Always here for you! 🙂 Do what you need to do for you, M09. It won't change anything. It won't change where he is right now. It will only confirm what already is. Whatever he says or does doesn't matter as much as you being true to yourself. When we make it about whether to ask him or not, we put all our energy into him again, into thinking about what he's going to say or do as a result of our asking and then we're right back to that familiar place of walking on eggshells around him again that we all know so well.
You can't have that man back from the beginning unless he wants that side of him to be back. It's not you, it never was and never will be. Nothing you do or say can change this except you choosing you, choosing to create and live your own live in spite of where he's at, in spite of what he can give you, in spite of anything about him. This is about you. Shake that feeling, those thoughts by getting clear about what it is you want.
Do you want more of this? Do you want him as he is now? If you do, then accept that and do what you need to do to get that. But if you don't, if you can't live with things the way they are and still be true to yourself, then accept that to. Without blaming yourself, without all that harsh judgement. As long as we keep holding onto the fairytale, to our programming and our stories that tell us it has to be any way than what it actually is, these men we give all our power away to will have no reason to change and will always find someone who they don't have to treat any differently than they're comfortable with.
Forget about what anyone else says or does or thinks you should do, and simply ask yourself what do you want? There's no right or wrong answer between two people who are on the same page, who want the same thing with each other, who are willing to do whatever it takes to make a real relationship work. That's the only kind you want.
Thank you so much for the reply... you are right. I know for sure that I don't want him as he is now. This is reality, not the fairy tale of hopefulness I was living in. It's time to respect myself and move on. Thank you!!
You're so welcome, M09!
M099,
Love your profile name. Peace and Blessings
Coming from the fire in me that is in you.
Why are you asking Jane permission for validation with your ex man.
Jane was not in your relationship. You was. You know deep down in your heart you deserve better.
Not just with a man. But YOU deserve better for YOU period. We woman must raise our standards. Stand firm and strong and honest with our selves. Fight the powers that be. Its just my word sound. Its not meant to be mean. 1Love
Peace and Blessings Jane
Give Thanks for your word sound.
Your words feel like Claude Monet's painting Water Lily Pond.
So compassionate and revealing.
Getting thru the heartache and pain when you let go of comfortable uncomfortableness is scary.
But what is terrifying ; is staying in a situationship rather than a real realationship.
You have to decide to walk away from BS to show you, how much you truly love yourself...... 1Love
So true, Sharri. And thank you for your beautiful words and this beautiful analogy, "Your words feel like Claude Monet's painting Water Lily Pond." I'm touched. And I've always loved Monet! 🙂
Thank you for allowing so many woman to learn how to ROAR.....
Hi Jane, I'm dating a man who constantly cones and goes from my life that's the only thing he does consistently. It's almost three years of this in and out of my life thing with him. He claims he loves me but it doesn't feel like love. I know I deserve so much more yet I keep allowing him to do this to me. I love him but it's time to let him go and not return. I'm scared but if I finally left an extremely verbally abusive husband 3 years ago I can surely do this. Jane thank you for your words of thought and care. Please help.
I know it's scary, Shawn. But what's even scarier is spending your beautiful time and energy living where you don't belong with people who don't love or care about you in the ways you deserve to be loved and cared for. What's scarier is looking back on what you sold out for, on what you settled for out of fear, out of buying into the belief that you don't deserve more than what you've been getting. If it doesn't feel like love, it isn't. You always know. But you have to come to this in your own time and way. Don't beat yourself up for what you know but can't yet do. We do far too much of that already. You're seeing this. It's resonating with you. You'll get there when you're ready to.
I was dating a guy I have kown for 24 years. We were always friends and the timing was never right but last February was the time and things were great up until 2-3 months ago. He started acting different and wasn't expressing his love. He said he had a lot going on and he was stressed and a request for us to go out to dinner vs him coming over at night, that was starting to be a routine, was too much for him. That conversation we had via text was the last on 9/11 (yers almost 2 weeks ago) and I have not heard back from him since. I felt like it was abondonment like when my ex hisband left me and my girls years back. It hurts, but I love me more. It hurts when someone you have known the longest hurts you like you never knew them at all. I am glad I am at a place in my life that I know "I AM THE PRIZE" and I know God has my BOAZ so this too shall pass and I am blessed!!!!! I saw it coming Jane and this message resonates with me because I was there. Seeing it but didnt want to admit but BAM. It hurts but I feel so FREE!!!! that the worry is gone!
Good for you Vanessa....LOVE YOUR SELF!! yes you area the PRIZE!!
So glad this resonated with you, Vanessa. "It hurts but I feel so free!!!" - Exactly! And this is how you know you're real, you're human, you're alive! 🙂
Wow, i can totality relate to don't fight the goin through. IN fact it's kinda crazy how everything you write I can relate to and makes sense. I really like how U know exactly what I'm goin through. I wrote to you earlier this yr about my relationship and you replied back which I really appreciated. Well things haven't progressed forward and now I'm not sure what's goin on in my relationship. I'm sure it's not good and I'm preparing for the worst. I'm an emotional mess judt hoping things will be ok but that hope is diminishing. ur articles do help me realize what I try to deny, but it's still hard. Thanks again & keep doin what u do!
Greetings,
Peace and love. Can I ask you this ? If things with you and your man have not progressed, why are you waiting for the worst to happen? Why are you giving up on you, your power and the love you truly deserve?
Stand up for your self and stop waiting to become a victim. Your soul is stronger than this.. No disrespect to you. I just feel like sharing the fire in me to u. 1 Love
So glad this is coming through for you, Danielle. You're so not alone. Know that what may feel like it's "the worst" has the potential to be the best if we change our perspective and look beyond the way we're so programmed to believe and see that things "have to" be. You deserve so much more than this!
Early this year I was really into this guy n wanted spend my time this year In getting to know him. Jan was the month I kep adding him as a friend n he kept declining n I thought why did he declined? So I told a friend to say to him "why did u remove her, can u add her back on fb" n this guy deleted my friend who was helping me trying to win him back. Come 4th of February he said sorry for things, he said things like if I liked domo I would spend time with them 2x a week for 6 months, I know you will reply to this msg, he said u might be upset, don't be upset coz nothing happened to us, please don't reply back to this msg, if u do then I won't reply back. Please accept this is end of a friendship. I found it so sad n was In tears n felt like I wanted to reply. So ppl I knew said to me leave him alone.
All I want is 2nd chance friendship with him so I can get to see n know him more, so mum told me to wait for his birthday, a friend of mine who's a girl kept saying things like "u gonna watch him at the park, did u see him" n i said nope, I would've gone if u had told me in advanced"
So when it came to my birthday he never gave me grettings but I thought he would, so I gave him birthday greetings n felt shy n trying to press in send but my guts said just send the msg, I thought it's just his birthday. I felt guilty giving him greetings n was nervous he wouldn't reply but he replied with "thanks.." N I was happy about it n i said to my best friend what does he mean thanks... N she said that he wants to say something more but he can't so he made it simple
Since his birthday I haven't heard from him n plan on giving him Xmas greetings 22/12/14 and if he hasn't added me by 9/01/15 I can add him as a friend n I would like to see him more next year, I think when I give him Xmas greetings I'm gonna be nervous,shy n guilty giving him that msg coz of Xmas n new year n I'm nervous he won't reply back. My best friend said to me don't be guilty coz u just give him birthday wishes, when it comes to me adding him as a friend on 9/01/15 I think I'll be nervous sending him a request n think he will decline it like he did this year. Idk yet.
If he does give me Xmas greetings n accepts my friend request I wait for him to talk to me n I know he has jan - mar for his break n sep - dec is his busy time as a business window cleaner.
I always think 2nd chance friendships work beta than 1st chances coz the 2 ppl can see what's new in each other. If he does accept a 2nd chance friendship I will want to spend time with him n not txt him so much unless it's for a meeting such as the movies or the cafe. I would let him do all the work.
In between I've been meeting new men on transport n they r nice ppl n with guys I like who I'm reuniting with, I'm gonna leave them alone
I dont mean to sound mean but are you serious?
You sound really confused and low value.
And I know your soul is stronger than this.
Stay focus on you. Stay off of social media. Its so corny.
You Really cant live your life thru book face (aka Facebook)
Sorry givin it to you straight up no chaser. 1 Love
You're getting this, Courtney. It doesn't matter how long it takes, it only matters that you're seeing this more and more with every new experience, with every new reality check, with every new chance to see what we're meant to see!
Jane, I've read all of you advice to other post and they are very thoughtful and encouraging but I must say, I do not think you are giving this young lady the best advice. Just reading her thread make her sound like a stalker!
just read this article "don't fight the Just going Through" and when I read your reply Jane it all makes perfect sense but why can I not be strong enough to walk away, I think constantly about ending the relationship and have come really close to saying it out loud and then I don't do it. I wrote to you earlier in the year about his lack of commitment and just before we went on holiday we decided to get married next year, but now I don't know if that is what I want so what's wrong with me? have I been kept waiting too long (6 years), or is it because my life wont change for the better, I will still be living in my own house as he lives in rented, so we can't sell our properties and buy something together, my lifestyle will still be the same and all I am going to gain is someone else to cook and clean for, I look at other peoples relationships (rightly or wrongly) and they all seem to have moved on and improved their lives together but mine just seems to have stayed the same and I feel resentful, but if I finished with him for these reasons it looks like I was a gold digger and that is not the case I am a single self sufficient parent and I pay my own way without any contributions from him, I feel like I have lost total control of my life not just personal but all aspects of it and I need to get back control. please help regards Julie
Greetings,
Peace and Blessings. I mean no disrespect to you. Im just sharing the fire in me to you.
You sound soooo whinny.
Stop complaing and take action. You are the best person for you to love 1st.
You deserve better and you know this. Its ok. I feel you. I do. But we must stand strong within. Stop feeling comfortable with negative energy. Take back your happiness. 1 love
REAL!!!! SHARRI!!!
It doesn't matter what it looks like to anyone else but you, Julie. You're the only one you answer to, you're the only one who knows what you can live with and what you can't. You have to first get clear on that with yourself before you can be clear with someone else. What matters to you matters, Julie. You matter. This isn't about what's "right" or "wrong"; it's about doing what you need to do for you. No one deserves to settle for a life they don't want.
You deserve to be happy, Julie. To be loved. To be adored. What that looks like is different for everyone, but what matters is that you know what that looks like for you. Find what you're looking for first in you and everything else will slowly begin to fall in place. If you don't first love and respect yourself, it's difficult to find someone else to fulfill this role for you. Deferring to anyone else except ourselves for what we're looking for is not how we're meant to live.
I'm sorry for pushing in like this but I can't seem to find when you can add a different story,so I've started here. I'm desperately in need of some help. I meet a lovely. Gent on a dating site. He is very loyal person. But has lost the the ability to show his loving side due to him being hurt so many times, which I have had many times been hurt in many ways , yes I've been really ill which now I do suffer with panic attacks, depression and stress related anxiety. We ar both 54 been married and we both wanted the same things out if life we got very close just in one week he wanted to see me every day in the first 10 days but unfortunately he broke his back on a motor bike years ago and trapped a main nerve in his leg joint which he is waiting for another operation. He said that he didn't want to rush things and when relations between ourselves do happen he wanted it to be special. We have only known each other a month but in this month he fell ill after the second week so he was bed ridden for a week I offered to look after him but unfortunately he lives with his son, daughter-law and 2 grandchildren in that week his messages where very few and far in-between which I did put it down to him being ill but I do get woahes of anxiety come over me and i started to think that he didn't want to see me anymore, so i made arrangements to ring him at the end of the week so we met for 2 days then he went down with a virus, for another week. We both started to think it was me i thought maybe I'm drianing him if his energy and he thought maybe it was my lipstick or perfume so after he got over that we might again once on a Monday and on a Wednesday but yet again on the Wednesday he started to feel ill again. Which he then thought it was the coffee that was making him go dizzy and light headed so he looked it up on the internet which did say too much caffeine can do that to you and not to have aspirin which he takes a full one ever day that's not subscribe from the doctors i mentioned to him that that could be the reason. But coming to the weekend again he did promise to see me more which was cancelled due to his sister from isle of Wight was coming over for the weekend and he was going back to isle of Wight on 14th of this month for 3 weeks that would make it that i wouldn't see him for nearly a month i spoke to him on the Friday over the phone then only 2 texts on the Saturday and 2 on the Sunday i tried to ring on the Sunday night and and monday morning and still no reply i sent him messages but didn't get any reply and i know this is my fault i sent him a message saying that i rung him and messaged him asking will i see him before he goes over to isle of Wight and that I'm a bit puzzled with not hearing from him much plus if he has finished with me please don't put it in a text but i hope that we are ok. He sent a message back saying i have message you and i probably didn't hear the phone as i turn the phone in silent and forgot to put it back to normal then he said now you are making feel under pressure and you feel confused with one kiss . I tried to message him again to apologise but he his not answering my messages or opening any messages i send him on WhatsApp even though i can see him on line on WhatsApp. I really don't know what to do i cant sleep due to every time i do drop off i have panic attacks plus i cant eat i've cried so much there isn't anymore tears to cry. I've even been asking the angels to help me and ask him to ring or massage me I know this is all my doing for letting my anxiety getting in the way of what would have been a wonderful relationship but i don't know if he's left me or having time out. I cant ring him today as he's in a wedding too but if i do ring him and he dosent answer me I'm going to have more panic attacks and i hate them i would prefer to be dead than have them horrible attacks they rip your very soul out of you .