Archives for August 2014

It's Become a Long Distance Relationship, and I'm Devastated

One of our gorgeous readers, who calls herself "V", is in a great relationship with a guy that she loves. The problem is that it's suddenly turned into a long distance relationship because of a job that he's taken.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I am having a really tough time right now.

I moved last year to a small town my retired parents and never expected to stay. However, I ended up starting a business here, one I'm hoping will eventually afford me the ability to travel when I choose to.

For the past 6 months I have been in a friendship that slowly turned into a relationship. It gets better every day, but it didn't start out as him wanting anything more than friendship so we haven't been officially dating for very long.

The man I met had been focused on getting out of this small town he grew up in and making a name for himself outside of his family business. We have very similar hopes and dreams and that is how we bonded in the first place. We are both in our twenties, he is a few years younger than me.

This past week he finally got a job that is really wonderful for him. It's a huge raise, but he will be traveling all of the time and probably working 10-12 shifts. It is a really great opportunity, however we are both just realizing how much we want to be together and how important our relationship together is.

The reason we didn't start dating right in the first place was that he thought a girlfriend in his home town would tie him down. I accidentally changed the way he feels on that issue, at first because I'm just living here but I'm not attached to the town, and then because he sees how free and good we are together, not that it's a ball and chain- I guess we both matured a lot together already .

Unfortunately this job might take him all over a state about 12 hours away for the next several years. He would only be able to come back here for a few days every few weeks.

I am devastated.

We both want very badly to be together and don't want to let go of each other, but it seems like we're being pulled apart. It sucks because we both want to travel and would love to travel together, but it just doesn't seem like it will work out. Him not taking this job is not an option for either of us.

He has worked at getting something like this for years and I understand completely how he feels.

I just escaped my small hometown myself. If my business takes off I would have more money to visit (he also said he would pay to fly me down to him).

I just don't know what to do.

From what I think you've said, this just isn't the right relationship for me because I don't want to be away from my love all the time. A week or two wouldn't be a big deal if we were sure to see each other for a few days, but we're pretty sure it'll be like that all the time.

I don't want to let go of something that would be so wonderful for us if only it was a LITTLE different. When I say it, it sounds like this is going to be something that everyone tells me to move on from.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want anyone else, I want him. People say that there are other fish in the sea, but how could I just give up on our life together when it's something we both want and just can't figure out a way around it? Or if it's meant to be, it'll be.

That's so awful to hear all the time. I'm scared because we haven't had a huge amount of time together and I feel crazy for being so completely attached already. Right now we are on "snooze" while he's still home for another week (traveling for four weeks after that and then home for two long weekends) because neither of us wants it to end.

He doesn't feel like it will be fair in the end to be absent from my life all the time physically, even though he says he selfishly wants to stay together.

I can't stop crying and I'm so stressed.

Trying to distract myself with activities has not helped. He is such a good man, but we are both young, still learning, and not settled in one place. He is also the only guy that I've been with that is 110% trustworthy.

The issue is the distance. Please, please help because I am at a complete loss.

I can't handle having my heart broken this time.

- V

My Response:

Dear V,

I understand how much you want this to work in spite of the distance, and I have some great news for you. You’re not the only one in this relationship. There’s two of you here, you and him.

And what that means is if you both want the same thing, if you both want to be together, then the distance won’t be enough to keep the two of you apart. If it’s only you who wants to be together more often, than you’re definitely right that I would say that this isn't the right relationship for you. Because it would mean that you want more than he’s going to be able to give you.

Life in general, which includes relationships, is always about what you can live with and what you can’t.

Don’t worry about trying to distract yourself. I know full well just how hard it is to distract yourself by focusing on your life when something like this is occupying so much of your time and energy.

But you’re not the only one in this.

This isn't only up to you. It’s in recognizing what is yours that you can control here and what isn't, that you can accept the reality of what’s really going on that can bring you some peace here.

You can’t change him. I suspect that because you mention that you've changed his opinion of dating someone from his hometown, that you want to believe you can be enough to change his desire to take this job that would take him away from you for so long.

The reality is, it’s not about you being enough – you’re always enough! But this one isn't up to you. It’s up to him to see this for what it is, to recognize that you can only make decisions and be in control of what is yours to control.

When it comes to this job opportunity, if traveling and being away from home are a priority for him right now, then this is a part of who he is that you’re now finding out more about.

Of course you don’t want to let go of someone that’s ideal in every way except the distance part. But that’s no small thing if you’re not on the same page here. If he’s content to move forward with this even if it means the two of you won’t see each other very often, then this is something you have to decide if you can live with.

Focus on the day to day reality of what that will look like to you. What will being in a long distance relationship with someone like this look like and can you live with that?

I suspect that underneath what you’re feeling here, you’re questioning why you can’t be enough for him to not take this job that will take him away from you. You’re feeling like you've invested so much of yourself already that you can’t bear the thought of letting him go.

And you’re hurting not so much because of the fact that you may not be able to be with this man, but because you’re realizing that you may be the only one who wants this to be something more, who sees the potential the two of you have to be so much more. Yet you’re sensing he’s not there. And you’re heartbroken at the realization that you might be the only one on this page.

If you’re both here, V, if you’re both on the same page, distance won’t matter. But it sounds like this is about more than distance, it’s about him.

If he’s truly right for you, distance won’t change this.

But don’t sign up for something that isn't about distance, but instead is about two people on two different pages, looking for two different things using the distance problem as a disguise to cover up what’s really going on.

You’ll know because it won’t be an issue that can’t be overcome. You’ll know because even if he chooses this job, there will still be a willingness to make this work in spite of this great opportunity. He doesn't have to give up this job opportunity to give you what you’re looking for, but he absolute does have to give you enough for you to know that he’s on the same page and wants the same thing as you.

If you look closer, if you see through eyes that are willing to look beyond the fantasy to the reality of what is, your answer will become clear. As much as we can deny it, deep down we always know.

I hope this helps give you something to think about from an outside perspective.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend V? Share them with us in the comments!

One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

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There are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.

Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.

We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.

But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.

Kind

It’s what it means to be kind.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:

kind, adjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.

Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.

You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.

And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.

It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.

The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.

That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.

And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.

Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.

Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.

It’s become the one very most important quality of all.

If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.

So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.

Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.

If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.

Is he kind?

Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.

Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.

Why Do I Still Feel Like It's Not Over?

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A beautiful woman in a black dress holds her head in her hands wondering why do I still feel like it's not over? One of our beautiful friends, who has chosen to call herself "Wanting to Let Go", is asking herself (and us) "Why do I still feel like it's not over?", even though she's moved on to a new relationship with a great guy.

Here's her email:

Jane,

I've read many of your posts and I love your counsel.

I am in a situation I hope you can shed some light on. I met a man in 2011 and we mutually fell in love within 3 months.

We were both in our late 20's and had well-paying jobs and our own apartments (about an hour away from one another) and no children.

We had a wonderful relationship for about a year and half where we took vacations together, emotionally supported one another and were excited about our future.

He told me he loved me everyday, and said I was perfect for him. He told me he wanted to have a family with me.

Then his mother (who is widowed) was diagnosed with advanced leukemia. She got very sick very quickly. My boyfriend grew quiet and withdrawn. He talked about quitting his job and moving closer to her to take care of her.

Since his mother only lives about 15-20 minutes from me, I suggested we find a place to move in together. He said he wasn't comfortable with that. He said he didn't know how he felt about things anymore. He quit his job to move closer to her and found work making significantly less money. He also moved in with a (recently divorced) buddy of his from college.

We continued our relationship, but argued more and more.

He kept saying he didn't know what to do and was trying to figure things out. He came around my apartment less and less and eventually wouldn't talk about feelings or a future anymore. He even took a vacation to Florida without even inviting me.

I felt very alone.

Even though I am sure it wasn't about me personally, I couldn't believe our relationship had deteriorated to this after two and a half years. So I ended it.

I wish I could say I was graceful about it, but there were many hurt feelings and disappointments. I loved him and missed the way things used to be. I missed the man he was before his mother got sick. I was devastated that he shut me out of his life they way he did.

I spent 4 months being single before I began to date again. I spent time healing with friends and family. I met a new man this spring and have been dating him for 3 months. He is wonderful and adores me.

We've taken a vacation together already and have a second vacation booked. I'm happy with him and enjoy our time together. I don't really know why, but I sent my ex an email at the end of May asking how he was doing and that I was thinking of him and his family. I received no response at all.

My question is this: Why do I still feel like it's not over?

I find myself thinking that maybe things will be different after his mother passes away and he can heal. Like things will go back to the way they were. Even after over 5 months of no contact at all, and a new man in my life, I still haven't quite let go. Do I just need more time?

-Wanting to Let Go

My Response:

Dear Wanting,

What keeps us holding on always has everything to do with our fantasies and nothing to do with our reality.

We hold on because we believe in the love story of our dreams.

We hold on because we believe love can conquer all, because we've bought into the idea of love that if we give and give and give some more, somehow one day we will be rewarded with getting back that man we worked so hard for. We hold on so tightly to these beliefs even though we’re rarely aware that they even exist, let alone that they influence our lives from a subconscious place to the extent that they do.

And it’s because of all this that you can probably find the reason that you sent your ex that email. Not because you were dissatisfied with the relationship you've found with this wonderful new man in your life, but because you wanted to see if it could be true.

Could love really conquer all?

Could he have possibly changed back to the man you once knew?

These are such romantic notions, Wanting, so filled with hope and belief in what we've been programmed to believe about true love. Anything else dims so much in comparison, even the love that’s real and true, and standing right in front of us.

It’s more than just time that changes this. It’s how willing we are to look at what’s real and look at what’s fantasy and see the difference between the two.

One loves us, one wants to be with us, one knows our worth. The other isn't there and doesn't know when it will ever be there and doesn't know what it’s missing because it’s not about that.

They’re two very different things.

Don’t give up what you have that’s real for something that’s only a fantasy of your own making, Wanting. Don’t make it something it isn't for some longing, some proof of a belief system that has nothing to do with either of you.

Let yourself be loved by someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s capable of loving you, who’s capable of committing himself to you. Don’t fall for the love story that only exists in our fantasies, fall for the real love that exists right in front of you in a beautiful place called reality.

It’s the only place that real, lasting love can ever be found.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts for our dear friend "Wanting to Let Go"? Please share them with us in the comments!

You Can’t Be the Only One

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A beautiful woman sits looking at her phone wondering if he's going to call or text her back. You can’t be the only one who dreams a dream for two.

You can’t be the only one doing all the work, waiting for his calls, taking care of him, putting his needs first like you do.

You can’t be the only one lending all the support, always there for him, giving your heart and soul.

It can't be this one-sided.

It has to come from him, too.

This isn't how it’s meant to be, it’s not how it’s meant to feel. This aloneness; this feeling of being more alone with someone than how you’d feel on your own.

You can’t keep giving like you do, keep sacrificing like you do, keep focusing on him and what he’s thinking and what he needs, while accepting so little in return like you do.

Are you seeing this?

One-sided relationships never, ever work because they simply can’t. You can’t be the only one in a relationship meant for two. There has to be two people, on the same page, who want the same thing – with each other – to make this work. There is no other way.

It goes against everything we know to be true, deep down in our hearts, to believe anything different. We want to look beyond what everyone else can see. We want to excuse away everything we know to be true. He’s stressed, he’s going through a lot right now, he’s been hurt before, he’s had a rough childhood, he’s going through a lot right now.

Yes, and yes and yes. But what about you?

You see, we do these one-sided relationships so well that we don’t even recognize when they’re happening to us – again. They've become our pattern, our MO, our habitual response when we’re in a relationship with someone that we can’t tell them apart from the real thing.

They give us that familiar sense of butterflies in our stomachs which we view as a positive thing instead of the reality that it’s really anxiety from not knowing where we stand. It keeps us on our toes, performing all that much more, trying to show and do and be everything we think we’re supposed to do to bring about the happy ending we so want it to be.

But it’s not our role to make this happen. We can’t do it on our own.

If he’s not meeting you there, if he’s not right there with you participating as much as you are, it’s happening again.

When you put yourself out there, do you get anything back?

After that great conversation that you initiated, does he ever follow up? Does he call you or text you back?

Or is it just more space, more silence, more of a reminder that you’re the only one?

It’s that space that tells you how far apart you really are.

It’s that silence that speaks volumes.

See it. Listen for it. It’s how you know.

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

44 Comments

One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane.

Where to start....

My ex boyfriend & I were together 3 years we live about an hour apart from each other & so he moved in with me after about 6 months that's when I started to see his real personality & things changed, yet still I loved him with every being in my body every part of me would do absolutely anything to stand by him right or wrong & just wanted to be with him.

I've since found out he has narcissistic personality disorder & so most of my love & emotions & feelings might of been or still be cause I have been brainwashed & sucked in to his web of lies.

So on valentines day this year (2014) he left & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents lived about an hour away & he would be back home that afternoon/evening and we would spend it together and make it special. It's the 18th of July & I've not seen spoken to him or heard from him, he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned.

I have been going insanely crazy distraught devastated and just constantly crying... how can he say he loves me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me.

I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered her phone & said he was home but away from the house & he is busy she will get him to call me... Needless to say HE HASN'T!

Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my iPad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren't sitting on my iPad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hello new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex.

I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birth date was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy one who has lost the plot, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn't for hurting my mum & dad I would be not be here right now...

I've invested 3 years in & loved & trusted & cared I put up with domestic violence and abuse and defended him in court & all all so he can do all this to me, yet even with all the hurt I still just miss him like crazy and want him back or some kind of contact, I don't feel I can move on at all I'm just in bed when not at work I don't go out I don't talk to any one I don't socialize I'm just so broken I can't even pick myself up to start again... I'm depressed I don't leave the house I hate myself I don't want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.

I am lost with what to do next please help I love reading all the other readers emails I just don't think I can cope

Thank you,

- Lost Jennifer

My response:

You’re none of those words you’re using to describe yourself, Jennifer. You've just fallen into the trap that all too many of us fall into. You've forgotten who you are, what you have to offer, and you’re left in this place where this person has become everything to you and you've become nothing.

It’s a familiar place to so many of us.

None of this is about you. The words he says that contradict his actions show you who he really is and just what he isn't capable of giving you. The hardest part of an ending like this is that what you feel more than anything is the investment of your beautiful heart and soul. You’re left with such longing for the rest of the story. The one you believed in, the one you told yourself that you could eventually get to with him, as long as you hung on and held out the way you did.

It’s a beautiful thing this loving, giving, caring, soul of yours, Jennifer. But it’s not meant to be given to someone who gives you so little in return.

He can’t give you what you long for because he isn't capable of this. And no matter how much you want to believe in the fantasy of what could be if only he could see this the way you do, you can’t. You can’t make him change. You can’t make him come around and see what he’s missing in you.

You can’t make him want you.

You can't make him love you.

You can’t make him be with you.

And while you can’t see this for yourself right now while you’re still in the pain of what you’re going through, the truth is that you don’t really want him to.

You’re worth so much more than someone who you have to do this much work for, who isn't doing this much work for you. You’re worth so much more than someone who can treat you like this, who can disappear, who can leave you wondering if he’s dead or alive, who isn't capable of feeling anything but what he feels himself. This is all about him. It’s what he wants it to be.

And it was the only way for you to see what you really had, and what you didn't really have.

I know we fight it, we resist the greatest lessons we’re meant to learn. But you couldn't do this anymore. Living like this with someone like this. This giving of yourself to someone like this. This sacrificing your true self to tell yourself a convincing enough story to remain with someone like this. We can only do it for so long before something happens to wake us up to the reality of what’s really going on.

It’s your turn, Jennifer. There’s a reason you found him and he found you. There’s a reason you saw only what you wanted to see in him. There’s a reason he’s had such a hold on you. And that reason is what you’re being given a chance to take a glimpse into.

Who does he represent to you? Why him?

Because when we love someone like this, when we give so much of ourselves to someone like this to the detriment of ourselves, it’s never about real love, but always about something we’re trying to prove or show or find in someone else because we can’t find it in ourselves.

What is that? What does he do for you?

You start right now where you are. You take a tiny step forward. You venture just a little bit out of your comfort zone. You take a look at that beautiful woman in the mirror who has no idea of her worth, who has no idea of who she is, of what she brings to the table, of how much she deserves to be loved by someone capable of loving her for exactly who she is.

You can’t see her yet, but she’s there. She’s been waiting for you for such a long time. To notice her, to wrap your arms around her and whisper to her that everything’s going to be OK.

Because it is.

It’s her chance to be who she’s never been. It’s her chance to see what she’s never been able to see. It’s her chance to love and be loved in a way she’s never known love.

Feel everything you’re feeling. Accept your feelings. Let them come as they arrive and then let them go. When you fight them, you miss the healing that’s found in accepting where you are and what you’re feeling. You miss the chance to see that you’re so much more than these feelings alone. That you have a say. And that you don’t have to take on anyone else’s baggage anymore.

That’s what happens to us when we’re so down on ourselves like this. When you become your own harshest critic and dole out the most judgmental words that anyone else ever could. It’s because you’re taking on what isn't yours.

You’re free, Jennifer. Underneath the weight of all of these past 3 years and however many more years before then that you've been taking on the weight of all these men who couldn't give you what you needed and placed all the blame on you, there’s a beautiful soul crying out to be free. To have her life back.

Start there. Start by slowly creating the life for yourself that you never knew. Who are you? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to be? What stirs your soul? What are you passionate about? Go there. Surround yourself with the ones who love you and adore you and support you through this. Write what’s on your heart, write it all out with pen and paper so you can feel your words come to life. What do you want to say? What are you no longer going to be silent about?

It’s why we can’t keep doing this. It’s why it ends when we can’t see what it’s doing to us anymore. It’s why we’re given a second chance on our lives like this.

Don’t fight it. Feel it. You’re so much stronger that you realize and you will get through this too.

Love,

Jane

You're Always Met Exactly Where You Are

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A beautiful woman is rejoicing as she runs through a field in the sunlight. Like so many of us, I grew up with an idea of God that was handed to me from my parents. And, like most of us, when I was young I believed what they believed and took everything as truth that they taught me about God.

But somewhere along the way, I realized that I didn't really know what I believed. I didn't know what was true for me.

So, after believing so long in something that wasn't really my own in the first place, I started to search for my own answers. I found myself questioning who I was, where I had come from, and what I believed.

Then something amazing happened.Continue Reading

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It's Become a Long Distance Relationship, and I'm Devastated

Here's her story:

My Response:

One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

Kind

Why Do I Still Feel Like It's Not Over?

Here's her email:

My Response:

You Can’t Be the Only One

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

Here's her email:

My response:

You're Always Met Exactly Where You Are

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