We're always hoping for the classic story of 'boy meets girl, boy chases girl, girl lets him catch her, and they live happily ever after.'
But real life never seems to follow that story line.
Sure, it starts out that way.
He’s chasing us, we’re being chased, just like boys chase girls in elementary school, and it’s fun! It’s exciting. We feel desired and wanted and worthy and that makes us feel like we've got it going on.
We’re being chosen. Someone’s picked us.
Then all of a sudden, something changes.
He’s got us and he can clearly see we’re hooked. But instead of the ending that was supposed to be, it’s turned into something else.
Suddenly, everything changes.The conquest is over. He’s chosen us and we've accepted and now we've followed what we've been led to believe is what dating and commitment is all about.
We’re ready for that next step. But he isn't.
That’s the problem.
You see, the guy you actually want to be with – the guy you thought he was - would be fine at this stage because he would understand that now the relationship can really start.
But we’re not talking about that kind of guy.
We’re talking about the one who doesn't know what to do with the fact that you've now fallen for him after he gave you every reason to believe that’s exactly what he wanted too, even if he didn't realize that’s what he was doing.
He loved the chase. But now he doesn't want it to go to the next stage.
He doesn't want you to leave; he wants to keep you around because he knows you’re all that. But he also doesn't have it in him to give you what every single woman in a relationship needs if they’re going to stick around.
But he can’t tell you this himself.
Whether it’s because he doesn't know himself or he doesn't want to lose what he’s got by coming right out and saying it, what you've got is someone who gives you just enough of what he’s learned he can give you to keep you hanging on.
The Good News
What you CAN do with someone like this …
You can set boundaries with him and let him know what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not by your actions and your words.
So if he doesn't call or doesn't show up on time when he says he’s going to and you simply accept his excuses and be the understanding girlfriend, he knows that he can behave like this with you and he doesn't have to worry about you going anywhere.
Or maybe he’s showing you what he’s really looking for by how often he wants to spend time with you. But every Saturday night spending time out with the guys? Maybe that’s OK to a less healthier version of ourselves.
But when we’re only getting the Friday night tired after a long work week night to fall asleep in front of the TV or in the movie theater, there’s something not quite right here.
And what do we say in response?
Oh, I see, well, OK. At least we have Friday nights together as our night.
And we think, at least he still must want to be with me, I’m still chosen, he still picked me because he still wants to spend his tired Friday nights with me.
Are you getting this? We’re teaching him how to treat us!
He’s learning what he can get away with, what the bare minimum he has to do to keep us around from us. Because yes, he’s attracted to you, he likes having you around when he wants to remember what it’s like to have a girlfriend and to collect on the benefits of having one, but the rest of the time, he’s free to live his life in the comfort zone of what makes him feel comfortable because you’re allowing this.
It’s Not You
It’s not. This is about where he’s at. And where he’s at is that he’s not ready for a real relationship right now.
Do you get that?
He’s just not ready to commit to what it means to be in a real relationship with you right how. The give and take, the equal thing, the sharing oneself thing. The being with you and you being with him thing. The communicating needs thing.
He’s not ready, but he doesn't want to just give it up either. He’s thinking that, too, just like you, that someday he’s going to be ready for a relationship and he wants you to be there too. But right now he's got a bad case of commitment phobia.
The irony is that he actually knows you’re all that – he knows what a great catch you are maybe even more than you feel that way right now. And he knows what you want from him, exactly what you want to change about him, but the reality is he also knows that he can’t give it to you right now.
But someday he thinks he might. Someday, when he’s ready to make some changes, give up his current extracurricular activities and settle down with the white picket fence and a wife and children, then he’ll be ready for what you want. And he’d like that too, really, someday.
Just not right now. And that’s what you have to realistically come to terms with.
The Rest is Up to You
Are you willing to waste any more of your life waiting for him to come around?
I know.
You’re just thinking he’s got to be close.
And the worst thing in your mind right now is that you might just decide to get out now, before you waste any more of your life away, but, you’re saying to me, what if he’s ready the next day? What then? I’ll have missed my chance!
OK, I get what you’re saying but just so you’re clear, and so we can take the fear factor out of the equation here, let’s reiterate; if he’s really that great and he decided he’s ready to be what he knows he needs to be for this relationship to work (and just so there's no confusion here, he knows it’s his move, he knows it’s up to him to make this work if it’s going to work), you’ll know!
He can use a telephone, or a cell phone, or a computer, or a car – he knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to.
And then you can decide for yourself if it’s for real and begin your happily ever after life, or if it’s just more drama and you’re smart enough to see it for what it is this time and opt not to engage. It will be your choice. And if he doesn't call, well, that’s actually easier because you’ll be well on your way to getting your own life back again.
I know it’s all too easy to dismiss me as not knowing your guy, and that’s OK. It’s sometimes easier to disregard the well-meaning girlfriend than admit to yourself the truth about a guy. I understand because I've been there, too.
You may recall the story I told you about a friend who even got on an airplane to try to tell me all that I’m telling you. Well, I didn't believe her either.
So I understand. When you’re ready, we can talk about this some more. For now, let’s try to remember that none of this is about him. It’s about you. You deserve to be happy. To be with someone who chooses you, all of you, the real you, not just the you that you show him as you try to get him to pick you once and for all.
It’s time to take a deep breath and come away with me to take a peak at the life you’re missing while you’re hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind.
You can’t change him no matter how hard you try and how much you want to believe you can.
But what you can do is find your own happiness and create your own life that’s worth so much more than living like this. Do the things I didn't learn until so much later.
Go places, do things, create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to discover it.
Discover your passions, follow your dreams, find those things that awaken your own soul. Fill your own cup so full of all the love and life from so many different places so that what he does or doesn't do no longer matters to you.
He’s going to do what he chooses to do regardless of what you do or don’t do. So make your own life for yourself just like he’s doing.
You've got everything he’s got, no matter how much you don’t realize this now.
You really do.
I really resonate with the idea of basing my life around my own decisions and needs… rather than making it about the other person. It is very logical and it helps to remember that they are choosing to not prioritise me or the relationship so I should be taking those steps as well.
Sure makes life easier when we do!
I just extricated myself from the very situation you described. Knowing he wasn't putting in the effort while I bent over backwards trying to keep things going out of fear of losing someone I perceived was so important to me. All the while he had no intention of growing the relationship past casual, yet keeping me hooked with minimal effort on his part, but not letting go either. I was losing me without realizing it all the while. The biggest favor he gave me was telling he doesn't love me and he never will before I had the chance to finally end it after one last straw of bad behavior on his part. I'm 4 weeks in of no contact, and the pain of heartbreak is intense but subsiding. I am now pouring all of my energy back into myself. Self care, inner healing work, reframing the perspective of the situation to reality, and leaning on the support of great friends has made all the difference. This is my last dance with an unemotionally available/avoidantly attached man. That is the solemn promise I have made to myself and I intend to keep it . I'm worth so much more than going down another one way dead end street!
Thank for for this. Made me very emotional, seems like this was written just for me. Idk how I ended up here. I’m so hurt & broken. My ex came back into my life after a decade. We had a rough past. But I figured we grew up. I thought he changed. He popped up after a decade telling me how much he loved & missed me & wanted a second chance. I gave him one. It’s been 3 years. I caught him cheating after 2 months. Since then it’s been countless of women friends in his life but he swears they’re friends. His IG is private. I don’t trust him. We officially split a year ago but have been dating casually trying to build. He treated me horribly in that time but it was just so hard to leave. He’s abusive in every way. He never reaches out unless to put me down. I found the courage to leave & it’s been a week no contact. I’m struggling badly. I have no friends or family & am miserable alone. Im trying to find something to live for but I feel worthless knowing he’s gone. Please pray for me.
Praying for you! That's courage like no one else understands, my friend. Holding you. ❤
Dear Jane,
Thank you for your insight. Yes, what you describe resonates with my situation. A wonderful man who tells me I'm his dream woman for the past 29 months, still can't leave his old life behind to start our new life together. It's been promises, promises. I am putting my life on hold, getting older by the minute. I'm 70, healthy and still young enough to start again.
I am an empath and that is my downfall.
I had a mother who never showed love. I married 2 men who never showed love. I am hoping to live the dream of having someone who loves me, and shows love before it's too late.
Thank you for your guidance,
Patti
Not your downfall, Patti. Never change.
And you will start again!
Hi Jane.
Yes this story isn't exactly like mine, but has a lot of similarities.
I've met this guy online. It was amazing how well we get along. There was chemistry and connection on every level, the only thing is: I've always got the feeling he wasn't completely honest. He tells me how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have found me and said he doesn't understand why I picked him. Unfortunately my gut feeling is right. He's still on the dating site and I saw a message with a lot of hearts, but he says he was on it 3 months ago and he's going to delete his profile. He didn't, because he is still online. It's seen by someone. Ofcourse we can't see who he's communicating with, but he is still active. I don't want to be a nagg, but I also don't want to be taken for granted. I'm really upset, because I don't like dishonesty. I'm thinking of getting my stuff out of his house and then breaking up with him.
I'm so happy I found and signed up for this program. Every article is feels like it was written for me, and I'm optimistic I will get to a better place mentally and emotionally.
A handful of guys I dated came from a dating app. Their profiles say they want a relationship. Yet without fail, it always comes back to "I'm not ready for a relationship" within the first couple months. Why are they on a dating app then?? I understand my own role in the dynamic to work on, but I cannot wrap my head around them.
Oh I'm so glad you're here too, Vanessa. Love that these are resonating so much with you!
I've had it in my mind that I should just let him go do his own thing and live my own life. It's just hard to actually let go. You're right that I feel like if we can make this work that it would be a good thing but he's just not trying hard enough. Your words were confirmation for what I need to do for me.
Always hard to actually do this, Susan. But I love that you're getting confirmation of what you absolutely know!
Why does it hurt in my heart so much, it sucks, when i think about all the times the daily connections it really hurts to the core and almost every nite no matter how hard i try not the tears stream down my cheeks, it sucks
Don't try not to, Suzanne. This part - this deeply feeling part of you needs to be seen, not hidden so that your body processes it as shame. You loved with abandon. You took a chance on this wild possibility of love. Of course you hurt so deeply now. That's a testament to the depths of your capacity to love and has nothing to do with his incapacity to treat you the same. Embrace every part of this and feel every one of your tears. I'll be right there with you. It's the only way we ever eventually pull through! ❤
Yes. Definitely resonates. Sigh. sad but true.
I’m so broken. He just said he only loved me as a friend after 2 years. It was so all of a sudden. He lost his brother. His best friend. Everything he touches reminds him of his brother. He didn’t want to drag he down. I told him I’m here for him. He wanted to be friends. I try. But don’t know anymore. I would never treat my friends this way.
He's the one who's broken, Ingrid. He knows he'll do far worse than just drag you down. Trust him. You can't fix that.
It is a little bit of a odd situation not to make up excuses he is ignoring me and I ve done everything but to show up at his job and home .
I know you right with your analysis but I NEED to know why he is ignoring me ,I realized he has changed from what I once knew him to be .
He's ignoring you because it works for him, Anja. Ignoring you is easier than anything else he could do so that's what he's learned gives him the best outcome. Don't take this on you!
Wow that article is so true. The guy I am with is 56 years old and still like this. I finally agree that he will come around when he feels like it, but I am certainly not going to sit around waiting. If I still care when he "grows up" Great, but if not, that's okay with me too.. I just spent most of May all of June and most of July waiting. I am taking my life back today!
Good for you, Debbie. We all wait too long!
Jane
All I can say is wow! I purchased your program, less than a week ago and I feel like my old self again, the cofident kick ass chic I was in my 20s and 30s. I needed a total attitude adjustment and it's really working. I am doing the choosing again, because I am that powerful. I love your simple one line reminders of some very basic ideas that I've always known. I've had inner wisdom about men since the 7th grade but slowly got talked out of my own power by well meaning friends and family, paricualry my mother who has always been threatened by my power and has repeatedly told me "you scare men" when the real truth is I excite the hell out of men because I've always been a bit unattinable. I am not a game player, but rather a women that understands that a man has to earn y affections and there's always been a man around willing to do it. Although in my youger years I made some bad choices, I went for excitment and chemistry, rather than devotion and consistancy, becasue I was locked into cliched ideas about romance. I learned from the movies, which have become our modern-day fairytales...about instant romance...one night stands that end w/ an engagment ring. While I have a huge heart, I am not led by my emotions. I am led by the right actions followed by the right words.
I'm so glad you found your way here, Sherri because this is exactly the transformation I'm here to bring out in you! "Slowly got talked out of my own power" - I will talk you back into it every time. Much love to you - can't wait to meet you on our 1:1 session at the end! ❤
I really needed to see this today. Even though I know he is like this where it's hot and cold because he also happens to be a Gemini, it's getting frustrating. I needed the message to step back and if it's meant to be, it will be.
And it will absolutely be because someone besides just you made the effort to make it be.
Jane, thank you so much for your email. You have truly describe what I'm going through and you have provided me with more insight than I could ever have imagined. I will take your words and I will move forward in life fulfilling my happiness. I appreciate you taking the time to provide me with this support. Thank you!
Oh Sandrea, you're so welcome. I'm so glad it resonated with you!
It's like you've lived my life. I finally got out of the relationship and am working on me. He tries to pull me back in but I know he hasn't changed.
Your intuition will always see through an act. Trust it. Yes, I've been you!
Yes, this is exactly my story.
I can't believe I allowed this behaviour.
Time to move on even though I feel heart broken, this is the way it will always be.
Most of us have a higher tolerance for these behaviours than we'd like, Janette. It's because we so want to believe in them, but what we miss is we need to believe more in ourselves!
Your email this morning truly resonated. I just recently, finally, after 3+ years of an "on and off" sort of situationship had the courage to tell him "no". To set an appropriate boundary. That it is NOT ok for us to be together while he explores other options via online dating sites. (yes, he told me that he was going to be doing this. He felt that as long as he was being honest with me about it, we should be ok!) We broke up about a month ago. I haven't heard from him since, other than a "happy birthday" post on my Instagram page.
I'm hurt, but every day gets a little easier. Your message is so dead on - if he wants to be with me, he can call or text or drive to my house. His silence is deafening.
Your messaging is so timely. Thank you.
So glad it resonated with you, Frances. I try with the timing. 🙂 It will continue to get easier. Going easier on yourself helps too. ❤
I'm 58 and never wanted children but I do want a relationship with a man that puts me on a pedestal and gives more than 24 hours a week
This article sums up my situation perfectly. I am just accepting the little bread crumbs he throws my way. Id do anything to be in a relationship with him but he's content with his life. He likes knowing I'm there but is not enough for him to do anything about. It crushes me daily that i wait for his messages and i know full well he's not sitting around waiting for mine. Yet id drop everything if he wanted to do something. I HATE this feeling and I HEAR everything you are saying, but it's so HARD.
So hard. And yet the only way to change this is to start by accepting what he's so clearly showing you. This is who he is. This is what he wants. Do you?
I was recently dumped at age 60 by a 62 yo who 'started seeing someone else' after 2.5 years together. We'd planned the future once his divorce was final but it's pending on a high stakes lawsuit he and his estranged wife(9 yrs now) are part of hoping to get a large payout. Really??? WTH? He ENCOURAGED everything...me falling in love, planning our future etc. He's a taker...I'm a big giver....I know I did it to myself and I'm better w/o him but for some stupid reason a small part of me wants him back....ughhhh
Not stupid, understandable, Cindy. We always do!
Cindy, I know EXACTLY how you feel, and my heart breaks for you as I'm going through something similar. I just turned 59. It's so hurtful, but I hope that you and I will be able to do the inner work to process and get past it - and meet someone really deserving of our time and effort. Hugs.
I'm in the same situation but I know now that I have to let him go.
I'm glad you found some clarity here, Loretta. When the fear of staying exactly where you are with nothing changing becomes greater than the fear of venturing out into the unknown, your answers became so clear.
I am so upset because I know what I need to do but the pain is to unbearable so I can't.
I told someone else on here this same thing, Angie, so I hope it helps you. When the fear of staying exactly where you are with nothing changing becomes greater than the fear of venturing out into the unknown, you will absolutely know what to do!
I wish I would read this article earlier. I dated a guy exactly like this- Friday night or Sunday evening sometimes. He was always excited to see me, however he said that he can’t see me on Saturdays because he is meeting with a computer guy for his work on Saturday night. I wasted 1.5 years like this. At the end I found out he had a girlfriend for 6 years whom he was seeing on Saturday nights.
The only one weekend night with you is a dead giveaway, L. I'm just glad you're reading this now and you only wasted 1.5 years like this. I coach women through this scenario who've been doing this for years!
Today's really hit it for me. I've been dating someone I really like and he's backed off. I've completely stopped responding to text messages. I already have a life so I don't need him to give me one. I do miss him but I have to admit that it's liberating to absolutely KNOW I'm fine, either way. I know, too, IF he comes back, I may be completely unwilling to accept him.
That's your power, April. Realizing you miss him but knowing that what you choose to accept will be entirely up to you!
Thank you for your email, this really resonated with me, and I am doing exactly what you wrote already. Although I would really love to be with this man, I also want to be open for something better, someone who is willing to welcome me into their life right now, no waiting around for what ifs, maybes or other.
Exactly, Anne. So glad this resonated with you!
Great advice it’s all about self worth and self confidence
Exactly, Jo! So glad it resonated with you!
Yes this seems to be what my life has been these last 3 plus months. He went back to his ex ..realized he was chasing something that was nolonger there. He's still there and the other woman feels like they are back together but he's says he's still emotionally with me. I've tried to move on but he won't let go nor will he come back completely. Now making me feel like I'm the other woman which I can't do I have more respect for myself and the other woman even thou that respect wasn't shown to me because she came back once she knew he was engaged to me and wanted to reconcile after 4yrs of divorce. Days and nights are hard right now.
I understand the article, it resonates loud and clear with me as I have been a work in progress for over six years recovering from being with an expert narcissist for many years. I am 69 & just started dating and I am very interested in someone who is retired but doesn't give me enough of his time, but wants sex each time and is disappointed when it doesn't happen. We met 2 months ago but spend 1 to 2 times a week together. Having a difficult time communicating boundaries of what I won't settle for this go around.
Dear Jane,
You hit every nail on the head with your advise that l just read.
I fall into the category of thinking the guy will change. Maybe if he sees how understanding l am, and that l am a good woman. Maybe he would wake up and smell the roses. That l am worthy of being treated well and loved, without to much effort on his part, after l have fallen in love with him.
I always see the positive in people, and ignore the negative, thinking that it is not that bad. That he would understand me, and follow my example. I am a very giving person, but l forget that there has to be give and take on both parties, and compromise.
The “relationship “ can’t be one sided, just because l think l have found “Mr. Right.”
Hopefully l can benefit from your wisdom, and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. I still haven’t given up on true love, even though there have been many heartbreaks and heartaches.
There have been times that l want to give up on love. For the life of me, l just don’t.
Thank you for your fantastic insight!
Aw, so glad I'm resonating with you, Catherine. No, don't give up! It's only the wrong men you're giving the benefit of the doubt to and that can be fixed!
Thank you so much Jane! 😃
I've read this article beafore and today it came back to my inbox just when I needed.
I recently reconnect to a boyfriend of 20 years ago... he broke up back then because he said we were too young to be soo serious. But he never really leaves.. every few years he calls and wants to meet.
We've been with other people, married other people and now we are both single.
He makes me feel like I'm the only one on earth when we meet. He's so caring, gentle and he says how beautiful I am and how proud of me he is.
But then he leaves... that's it.
Why does he want to marry other women and never me if I'm that amazing?
I just don't understand...
Reading what I wrote I realize it's just sad, If this was a friend I would say... he's confortable, because you allow him to be. Let him g for good, he's obviously no the one.
But why is it so hard?
And you'd be right in saying that, Anna. He says what he needs to say to get what he wants from you, and if that's only feeding his ego to know that you're always going to be there for him to even if he can never give you what you want from him, that's obviously enough for him. It's so hard because it's the perfect set up for everything you've ever been told you have to be able to do to prove yourself worthy in our culture. Make an impossible to get man possible to get. Throw off the lie, throw off the "should be able to if worthy/loveable/beautiful" - insert whatever word is your underlying root". Programming is hard to break until you recognize it's nothing more than messages you absorbed from people who were only following their own programming and never thought about what they were telling you to do!
This was a truly beautiful reply Jane.
❤
Anna,
I think this situation is difficult for you, because he keeps coming back, and you think he finally has seen the light. That you are worthy of his “love”. You are still very fond of him, and similar to myself, you may be thinking that this time everything will work out. I truly understand, since l have been in a similar situation more than once.
Thanks, Catherine. I'm sure Anna benefits from knowing she's not alone. Always good to know we're not the only ones - and that's exactly what we think. Welcome to the "this time everything will work out" club on here. Always room for more 🙂
Yes, your email resonated with me. Of course, he showed up this morning but not last night. I expected that. Because of my past horrendous abusive relationship, I just don't always know which way to go. I am 67 and he is 9 years younger. To be honest, we are so close psychically but not necessarily here on this planet. I am very good at compartmentalizing. Today, I told him I need to get out of where I am at (very stressful here) and was looking for weekly rentals and he was really like Why? Find us a house. It's like in his mind it is so clear but in my mind it is mud. He honestly does not understand why I get "cranky" on occasion because even though I think I can be downright evil, he only sees good in me. It's not just me he doesn't text and call, it's everyone. I worry sometimes that he is very ill, but he's like a hamster on a wheel and keeps on going, going, going and doing for everyone except himself. He neglects himself but still it does not give him the right to not follow up on his word, all it takes is "I will try and call" instead of "I will call ..."
Don't be so good at compartmentalizing, Sandra. Don't be so good at being for everyone else what you need to be for yourself. Is he your mirror?
I'm really happy that I know I should just go on with my life he's has a lot of painI will not be bothering you no more this is what I've been waiting to hear so I can go on so and I told you there's a million times but now you come out and you tell me just how it is I know where I stand and I got to do so and I choose to move on so take care of yourself
You found your answer, Gerilyn. Ironically, he's been saying it all along himself! Take good care of yourself, sweet soul!
This is totally what I've been going thru for the last couple months! Everything you wrote is how I really feel, but....I keep making excuses why he's not with me. He has kids & is staying with their mom & the kids. I try & give him the benefit of the doubt because she threatens to take the kids away from him so he'll never see them again. I do get feeling that he may really not want to be with me, his actions are hot & cold. The kids mom got my number & texted me that he was just using me, etc. She has threatened to take a bottle of pills to get him to live with her again. He's the one that looks after the kids while she is hardly ever home. He & I just talked yesterday about being together. He told me she is moving out of state & taking the kids. I don't know what to think or how to feel.
Don't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore, Sherilyn. He needs to be the one taking responsibility for this complicated situation, not you!
This was such an amazing article! I’ve been in a text only (yes only text accept for one very brief meeting so I know he’s real) for almost 6 months. He claims he doesn’t want to hurt me but thinks I’m great. I’ve tried everything to make him change his mind but here I am 6 months later still alone and feeling anxious daily. I need to put myself first and realize if he’s the one it will happen! Thank you!!
So glad it resonated with you, Lynn!❤
I recently left my 20yr marriage, and am currently in a, one night a week, fling with a man I feel like I am falling in love with.
I am really confused if it's him or me that is more scared to ask for more.
I have a feeling I am just his current "good fun", but his actions are very loving... making me beautiful dinners, lunch for work small gifts etc.
We have 4-5day contact blackouts during the week though, and I find myself pining for him.
It's not fun.
ps: he is not, has never been married, no children etc.
Huge red flags here, J, especially that you "have a feeling" you're his current fun supply. You're scared to ask for more for a reason; because you fear you're right about him. Unless you want to become more invested and in love with this guy and harder to extricate yourself from if it becomes clear you need to, I'd come right out and let him know what you're looking for. Either that or redefine what you are looking for. Both works. Having your heart broken doesn't.
I can truly relate to this. It’s like a cat and mouse game until the chasing fades. Then I find myself thinking have I done something wrong to lose him so I end up finding ways to reach out to him to reel him back in then it becomes I battle with myself and thoughts. Well, today the beautiful distractions stop here and begin with focusing more of myself.
Proud of you coming to this, Amy. None of them have been worth you. You're so much more than a game to be played!
Can you help me. Husband had an affair 15 yrs ago and now caught him talking with another woman from other side of country. He says didn’t mean anything but still hurts and trying to get past it. Addicted to internet stuff too. Was through chat in scrabble game. Says he won’t do it again and trying to work on us but trust is gone. Married 30 yrs do I throw it away. Please help
Can you start living as if you're detached, as if you're a free woman focused on you and your dreams, the things you're still passionate about no matter how buried they might be, and not focus on him or what he's doing for awhile? What to do with him becomes much clearer when you table that decision and focus on yourself for a change. Can you try this?
Funny, I met the ‘man of my dreams’ and after his statements, he would see me in 3 weeks and he would call me later. I haven’t heard from him yet (4 weeks later). Do I have boundaries? I do now. Do I want him back? Yes, but if he wanted me he would have called. Understanding this has been difficult, your newsletter came as I was thinking about calling him. I’m not going to do that, my self respect and love will help me to clearly define my boundaries.
Trying to get over a 7-year relationship with a commitment phobe who just bought me a ring.. it arrived this week and it's been a very hard one. thank you for your words, Love, Juliet
You got it right on the head.. I know this what you're saying. It's a hard pill to swallow...
Great article! I recently had an outburst with a man I’ve been seeing for about 7 months. He’s chased me for over a year and after 6
Months we were intimate and things changed. I did not express it the correct way and lost my
Temper after a few glasses of wine. I apologized and took responsibility for my harsh words. I also explain They came from a place of pain after feeling vulnerable. He acknowledged that and said maybe we could start over but he might be hesitant. He is now not calling very much and being distant. I’m giving him that space, but in that time I’ve also remembered what caused my outburst..this exact behavior of his. The coldness, distant attitude and overall change in his behavior after sex. I don’t condone me losing my temper by saying hurtful things, but I’m don’t want him to lose site of where the anger came from. I think he’s not ready for me and I’m going to take a step back. Thank you for the insight!
And don't ever forget that cause of it, Darcy. We've been so conditioned to be so much harder on ourselves for OUR response to an inequity in HIM, that we miss the whole reason it happened at all!
What you say is very true and getting to a good place where I am making my life happy and fulfilled is my ultimate goal
Cheering you on from here, Jodee. You know best what you need and how to get there - with love and support from people who can actually see you! ❤
IM JUST READING GETTING TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL
Oh good. Then I'm so glad you've found yourself here!
This does kind of hit with myself. I have been talking to someone only for about 2 months and I really, really like him but he is so 'hot and cold' that it drives me crazy! He will call me every night for a week or so and then I will go 2-3 days with hearing nothing or when I text he just gives one word replies. I am now ready to just straight out ask him if he IS interested in continuing or NOT! Just tell me yes or no because I do not have time or patience for games! But I don't know if I should text him or just continue to wait because we have been talking for only a short time. Please help ladies! Do I go ahead and reach out or just pass it on and forget about him??
Heather, you don't need to ask him because regardless of what his words might say, his actions are telling you everything you need to know. This is who he is, hot and cold, push and pull. If you want that, he's your guy. If you don't, he's not. We have to learn to simplify and trust ourselves and not see this kind of behaviour as a green light to keep trying to understand someone who clearly doesn't care!
Hi!
My problem Now it’s , after a separation of 3 months, we started communication but he told me it’s not ready for relationship and maybe one day ...he told me he love me but we see later or life what do for us ! I have impression , he hold me - just in case ! I don’t know how to react !
Your impression is correct, Carmen, and you're either okay with his behaviour or waiting, or you're not. You can't put up with what you can't actually live with. That's the most miserable place to be.
Hi. I would like to learn how to get a guy interested. We have been texting for 2 months. Everything was great at first, but lately he seems distracted and standoffish. I really like this guy. Please help me know what to do and say
That's about right, Rebecca. It takes 3 to 4 months to see if the behaviour you see in a guy is sustainable or just a beginning act and it sounds like you've got the latter here. Give him some space and focus on living your own life and moving on and within another couple weeks, you'll know for sure.
Yeah it definitely does. Don’t understand men at all. Met this guy early July and felt bit of spark then he went into lockdown till October but called sometimes, texted me every single day just saying “ good morning”.
He came up early December ( he loves nearly 2 hours away). Xmas busy time, then spent last weekend with him and perfect. His not very forthcoming but yesterday made a comment of me being in the future with him🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
This is the exact predicament that I am in. Reading this today was so insightful, and a light bulb moment for me. Thank you for making this information available to all of us in need!
So glad it resonated with you, Alice. You're so welcome. Been there, girl!
Great article...thank you. I didn't want to agree with you, but in my heart I know you're right.
My guy is sexy, talented, bright and so much fun...but I feel as though we're always on his schedule. We've tried this "relationship" 3 times now...the first time almost 6 months (when I wasn't ready), then a year later we lasted about 4 months (when I felt he wasn't ready). This time we're just past 5 months and I'm once again feeling that this isn't all that I'd like it to be.
It's as if he keeps me in a separate box from his friends. I've met most of them and they all tell him how fabulous I am, which he then tells me, but he still keeps me separate from them most of the time. I understand his need to have time with his own friends, as I have mine as well, however I feel that he also keeps us separate in case we don't work out, as if to protect himself.
He talks about how much he admires me, and what I do in the world. Yet I feel as though he's afraid that I'll get too close to his friends, because he knows that we'll all get along so well, and then if we don't stay together it would be awkward for him. Does this make sense?
He's so open about his past, his dreams, his frustrations...but there is a part of him that seems afraid to totally dive in, and perhaps he's just not ready to make a commitment because he has so much that he still wants to accomplish. He's 55 yrs old, and I'm older than he is and there is still so much that I want to accomplish...so that part of him I understand so well.
Perhaps we're both afraid of someone holding us back, The attraction between us is so incredible though, and we both love our time together not just being intimate but also cooking, and talking for hours about anything and everything...politics, the world, our families, etc, just not about our relationship.
I guess for me the friend piece is the biggest red flag.
Thanks so much for your blog!
I didn't want to agree with me either, Deborah! But I've spent too much of my life giving the benefit of doubt to men to the detriment of myself to not do everything I can to make sure you who've landed here looking for answers, see the truth it took me so long to see! The friend piece makes perfect sense - all of this makes sense with men like this. Not a bad guy, just a guy who needs his friends to be his last holdout so he doesn't feel like he's losing himself to you - his worst fear, by the way. The question for you is can you accept him just the way he is? Without changing him? That's what he's telling you he needs if there's any hope of more for the two of you than what you've had in the past. Sounds like you reach your limit and I'm not saying you shouldn't have those limits, just you need to be clear on where what you need and who he is intersect so you don't keep repeating this wash, rinse, repeat pattern with him. Make sense? So glad this resonated with you, even if you didn't want it to. 😉
Well Jane, on February 9th you sent out another email (One Type of Man You Absolutely Can't Be With...) that really jumped out at me! That was the catalyst...and I'm happy to say I have now walked away, gracefully, from this relationship that no longer serves me.
I just replied to that email as well.
Thank you!!!
Thank you for that. I’m going through this exact thing right nowits crushing me. Thank for your advise
So glad it helped, Gina. Been there, girl. I'm here for you!
Hi I'm not as young as most of you ladies, and I'm not exactly in a relationship it's a friends thing that I've created. I never had a friends thing in my life and I've always been the girl that they called and couldn't get enough of and was to get married half a dozen times. But this man that I'm interested in you 68 years old was in the super bad marriage but that was 35 years ago and he's been single ever since don't get me wrong he's a really nice person very talented an artist. And a very loving person to everyone around him except me although he treats me like a good friend the only thing is I have enough chick friends and I can't confide in him the way I do the ladies that I know. He's always talkin about his ex-girlfriend's and his wife he prefers a small woman between the size 1 and a size 6 I'm 5-8 and I weigh 140 can I wear a size 10 I guess that's big for him he loves everything I do he even copies a lot of the things that I do the phrases that I use the way I do things and handle myself but I've known him a year next month and I've never even kissed him he has hug me on occasion but it's always a hug with a pat on the back like he's burping me I don't need to be burped and I definitely would like to go further with this not marriage even it first as I was in a lovely marriage for 35 years my husband passed away 12 years ago and I'm so ready to have somebody to talk to me and hold me and think about me and care about me and worry about me. I have a very nice widow's benefits and I worked on my life so I get a nice Social Security as well. And I also work full-time and make a very good living at that as well I love to work I love to be out of the house I have so many talents. If you have heard this story before or you're in this story I would appreciate you sharing what happened I know I need to find myself again I know I've gotten lost it's like I've been in a bad wind storm or a fog and I have been on a diet because I've been trying to get down to a size 6 but I'm a big bone woman I'm not petite at all and I never could be so I'm thinking unless I could get down to that size he would even think about getting intimate with me or starting a relationship I know 90% of this is my fault for settlin
Pamela, If you have to get down to a certain size for someone to choose you, you're going to be jumping through hoops your whole relationship trying to fit into the latest thing he's putting on you. This is no way to live, girl. I'm so sorry for your loss, but this isn't a man who comes even close to the caliber of what a real man actually is! Not your fault, just a choice that you can change anytime. Blame doesn't help anyone here and especially not you!
That is my experience totally.
I have learned that lesson and moved on. And yes I have created a great life in my own, unfortunately it is missing that special someone....
No matter how secure I am, I feel that empty space every day... it just doesn’t hurt as much any more...
No matter how secure you are, you can still miss someone, Amy, and the potential of what life could be like with someone special in your life. Feel both - the missing and the knowing that you're someone special with so much to offer someone who's actually ready for and on the same page as you! It will hurt less and less as you realize you can't force what isn't a choice for both of you - and that's not on you! Hang in there.
Going through exactly this right now
I seem to be doing all the giving and get nothing in return. As soon as a back off phone starts blowing up #feeling confused
It's the push and pull of a guy who can't commit, Bev. Not about you, it's about space and then closeness and then the need for more space after more of the closeness - the hallmarks of the emotionally unavailable man!
Yup I’m seeing him drift away so I’m moving away too.
Good article
I too am going through this and have been off and on for almost 20 years. Commitment phobia for sure on his part and I feel like such a fool for continually letting him back in my life. I guess what it boils down to for me is I'm lonely. I'm also somewhat of a homebody and don't enjoy being around a lot of people. But he doesn't treat me the way i need to be treated. He's rude, somewhat of a bully and very distant. He doesn't see a problem with his actions, and claims I'm the problem. If I didn't say things in a certain way or not "pop off" like I do all the time, he wouldn't react the way he does. I'm 63 years old and divorced my ex husband after 25 years of an abusive (physically and emotionally)relationship. I know all about abuse. BF didn't come home one night last week, didn't call, nothing. When he did come home, he said his vehicle broke-down. So why didn't he let me know something?! No real answer. So this went on for a few days. I was very angry and "popped off alot." Finally on Sunday I packed his things and put them on the porch, let him know I wasn't going to put up with it and to come get his things and don't speak to me or try to come in the house. He picked up his things, wanted to come in, but I stood my ground. He loaded up his stuff and drove around to the back of the house and emptied his things into my storage shed! Soooo, I yelled out the door that, that was not his storage shed but it didn't do any good. So he left finally. He called numerous times over the next few days. I didn't answer. He left messages, I listened. First couple of days it was all about what a screwed up person I was and that i needed help , and then his tune changed. Well long story not so short but I'll try to wrap it up. He's a master manipulater and he spent the night last night. I know I deserve better. I know he'll never be what I need or want him to be. I guess at this age, my options are limited as far as finding the love and companionship I need/crave/desire. I was fine when he left. I wasn't heartbroken. I felt empowered actually. I'm fine by myself. I don't need a man for the manly things that need to be done. I don't need a man for financial reasons. I'm quite capable myself. I just have a weak spot where he's concerned. And yes, he knows exactly what he's doing and what to say, when. I should have prefaced this by saying I recently had to evict my nephew after 11 years, because of drug use and his disrepectful manner. That was literally the hardest thing I've had to do in a very very long time. So shortly after the nephew leaves, this guy slides in. Didn't ask, just randomly started bringing stuff over. 2020 needs to just go away! I feel better getting this all out on paper, but any advise would be appreciated.
Jan, I can so relate to your reasons why you keep taking him back. Lonliness is a very hard thing to accept and deal with. All I can offer is to say that your dignity and self respect come before anything. You have been through so much and this man is not helping you heal or let go of a previous abusive relationship.
Age doesn't matter if you let yourself be the wonderful person you are and stick to your values. The right man will find you and you him if you are able to let go of this one and ride out the lonely times- get to know you, heal from the past trauma and remind yourself that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others.
Good luck!
Well.... I find myself if this familiar situation right now. We were introduced by mutual friends, we connected instantly and our chemistry is amazing, we are both intelligent, funny and witty and its been a hoot. I am just finding myself feeling like he isn't ready for anything more and I have that terrible nagging feeling in my gut part butterflies, part fear. The combination makes me feel confused and I don't like to feel like this.
He did say at one point that he isn't sure if he is ready to be in a relationship and that when he is in he is all in, and then he made the comment that we would be a perfect "power couple".
I know he definitely likes me a lot, I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to date others either and its only been a couple of months of amazing dates and lots of laughs and fun with friends.
Anyway, I am not up for a heartache..... I am trying to be proactive.
But what happens if you've fallen in love with him? How do I forget about him, especially if he still contacts me?
You choose, Adi. And you define what love means and looks like to you and you ask yourself why.
Thank you,
Your story is so what my latest relationship has been! We met online and messaged all night he asked if he could call me! We talked and he asked if we could have a date the next day! We met and had a 14+ hour date and he came and picked me up the next day! He was everthing I wanted in a man and he daily showed and said how great we were together it felt amazing. But 2 months past and things change he asked for time he needed to think! His wife past away in June, 2019 after a 6 yr battle with cancer! He came back and told me he didnt want a long distance relationship and he was going back to work and wouldnt have time! I said that is fine but how could you throw away a relationship where we were on an even playing field and everything was so good! He told me he cared for me but I reminded him too much of his wife! I told him to do want he felt best and gave him space. He started call and chase me again! He realized how much he cared and wanted to work at our relationship! Things got stronger again and he wanted to buy a house close to me so we didnt have to drive so far! He told his uncle we were in a relationship and gave me a pet name that meant a lot and we were happy. The deal turned out to be a fiasco and needless to say he again ran from me even though I had nothing to do with this and it was our dream that was shattered! Almost 2 weeks later when he came back I got a text which he was breaking up! Brief conversation after I asked him to call! I wasnt getting any conrete reasons but he said he still cared! But asked if we could remain friends and he wanted to think about it! From multiple calls and texts to nothing! Waited a few days and sent a friendly text which he ignored and didnt respond! I am so frustrated but like you said what if I have am tired of putting my life on hold! What if I walk away and he wants me back but I have found an other wonderful man! I am having a hard time trying to let go of intense feelings I have for him! Help! Don't know what to do!
Oh my gosh! Nailed it! I feel like I have been chasing my tail... my story is a bit different but the end is identical. I finally have let go. I still think of him everyday almost every conscious moment it seems. I know I deserve better than this. I’m working on my own self and your blog has touched my heart strings. I feel as if you are just talking to me! Thank you.
I'm so glad, Victoria. I never know who I'm talking to until I get to meet you on here. Try setting aside a specific time every day where you can think about him all you want - but only then. And remember, it was never as good as you remember it! ❤
Hello Jane
Your email this morning really resonated with me and my situation....
I’m here exactly!!!
Crazy how this arrived and seemed to be exactly what I needed to see, read & hear.
This man is a lot of what I’d like to have in my life but you’re right... he’s not ready yet for he has to deal with his own Situation and the difficulties which he’s going to face and he’s not doing it, he’s dipped his toes in the water and I don’t think he liked how that felt.
In the meantime I’m Here accepting the level of love that’s just not enough, I need to set boundaries or standards to him of what I’m prepared to accept., these crumbs he’s throwing at me are making me feel so unhappy inside and I’ve not been able to voice that very well to him because of fear!!! (He’s a smart man he knows )
Fear or rejection from him or fear that those feelings of I’m not enough will rise up.
So Thank you today I’m going to be brave and lift the bar!!!
Many thanks A
You can do this, A. And I'll be right here with you, cheering you on!
Oh yes it resonates. I have been with my guy for 2 years. He treats me like a princess & prioritises seeing me and is 100% committed. We plan future holidays etc together......BUT he can't say the words I want to hear, he doesn't want the same future as me like living together & he has not introduced me to his family.
To put this in perspective. We are in our late 50's. I have been married twice & he has never been married or lived with anyone. He has never taken anyone home to meet his family. He had a relationship end badly that was toxic & he thinks that obsessive feeling is love. So the nice strong feelings he has for me he doesn't think he is in love. He feels content. I am not sure to continue as I am happy and he is meeting 90% of my needs or do I leave and pursue the in love feeling?
Jane, I really took a long hard look at my situation and it’s not quite the same as this reading described yet I still have these feelings of rejection, devastation, confusion, like I’m a mushroom, humiliation, and almost broken hearted but I haven’t put my heart into anything just anticipation and expectation, I suppose.
I have had a helluva time in the love/relationship department all of my life, since my first boyfriend at 13 years old. All of my long term, committed relationships were abusive in some way (I.e. emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, psychological, etc.) and I grew up in a very loving home with 2 parents, dogs and cats and I was an only child. Anyway I’ve had severe tragedy with an ex about 6 years ago and I haven’t processed all that I need to nor have I healed but I don’t or rather can’t just shut off my contact with the entire world and just shut in and not socialize or do things that are fun or I feel are good for me, including having contact with the male species of the planet.
I recently met someone on a dating site ( he liked me first) and he messaged me asking if I would like to go out and do something’s around the small community that we both live in. Well I just recently moved there and have zero friends there so of course I said yes, he moved there a few months back.
So he invited me one night but I didn’t get the message because I don’t check the app regularly or daily so I missed his first invite. I asked him if he wanted my number so he could text or call me the next time he would like to hang out or go out and he gave me his number so I could text him mine. I did.
So he texts me one day and asks me if I would like to meet for dinner at the Diner. I accept his invitation and arrive 20 minutes late, I have a really bad habit of being late to everything but that’s a whole different issue lol!
We have dinner, it goes good. He continues to stay I contact with me consistently and asks me a few days later if I would meet him he’s had a hard day, someone he knows passed away and I told him I was there for him if he needed anything so he asked me to go out. We did. Things went good. Now at this point we’ve already kissed. Kissed the first date, at the end, saying good bye. So we go to the local bar, have some drinks and start kissing in front of people. This is when he tells
me that he’s dating 2 other women.
So not a big deal to me, I honestly don’t want to have a serious, committed relationship with anyone HOWEVER a couple days later he asks me to lunch and I meet him for lunch, we talk and then we have sex, again, not a big deal! BUT he fails to inform me that now that we’ve had sex the whole dynamic
Between us has changed and for the past 3 days I’ve basically been texting him with zero replies!
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for men to just come out and be honest! I mean if he doesn’t like me anymore or want to talk to me anymore why can’t he just tell me instead of either A) ignoring me or B) ghosting me?
Why is it so hard for people to be honest? He was honest with me about a lot of things that I didn’t expect him to tell me in a million years since we just met, but he did! Why won’t he talk to me?!
And if he’s busy with one of his other women that he’s dating he can text me that he’s unavailable and can’t text with me right now or something like that or just tell me he’s with one of them, then I would Understand but to just not reply to my 5 texts that I’ve sent him is strange and frustrating to say the least!
I don’t want to have a serious committed relationship with him but whatever happened to just plain old common courtesy?!
This is EXACTLY what i am going thru right now...i am filling my own cup with MY passions, MY own occupations so I don't wait for him, his calls ...and whenever we meet, it is Wonderful because we have no more expectations, we are living the moment...it took me a bit of time to figure it might be the best way to live our relationship since he is much younger than me, his career takes up a lot of his time, he is also very involved in his community...so I rediscovered my artist talent and started my little business, got him involved to help me with my Web site and we love each other so much, it works perfectly this way!!
Love hearing this from you, Suzanne. Sounds like you've found something to put your passion and energy into that's working out beautifully for you!
That email described the guy I'm dating very accurately,he's just not able to give me the level of commitment that I'm ready for now.
So glad this resonated with you, Mona. Same page, same timing matters.
You make such perfect sense..its him to a T...hes so awesome and it hurts worse than any pain ive ever had..
Always the tragic irony with men like this - how can they be so awesome and yet inflict worse pain than you've ever had. My heart breaks for you, Sue. Been here before, too.
This is so me right now. I know what I should do but my heart just can't say goodbye. He is the one man I've always wanted. Fate would not bring us back together after over 30 years apart to have me go through this heartache again surely but here I am once again.
He came on so strong with calling me and texting me everyday before work, at lunchtime, before leaving work and at least twice that evening. Now I do well to even hear from him once a week.
Fate has a way of showing us precisely what we couldn't see the first time around, Karen. I can't tell you how many women I've coached who've had that 20/30 year reunion with a guy who brought clarity to them in a way they never could have seen without him. Don't say goodbye then. Put him on a shelf so you'll know where he is to ease your anxiety, but you won't have to keep track of where he is in your thoughts to be afraid of losing him. If you don't have to say good-bye, what do you want to do with him?
I love this so much. I've been dealing with this for 9 months and have given up. I'm ready for more. I thank you for these blogs. It's truly helpful!!
I'm so glad these are helping you, Angie. You deserve more, too!
It hurts.. it just.. Hurts.
He's so nice but is definitely not ready but has turned me into a puppet.
So he's the trigger, Rachel. But this is such useful information. Now you can go figure out why your programming tells you to become a puppet around this type of man so you'll never be here again!
I gave my all, moved to a new city. He still makes me feel like I’m just “here”. We broke up 3 weeks ago, but due to expenses, I’m still living with him. I love him to pieces, but he just goes on about life... it’s very humbling, to say the least...
Everything you said...is so true. He changed the game plan and wants me to wait until he's ready now. He told me he loved me 1 week into the relationship, I wasnt ready. Now 2 years later I am ready and he's not. I have decided I am more important than his inability to commit.
This very much resonates. I don’t think he will ever see me as worthy or someone he can truly love.
I've just gone through this myself and know its not up to me to reconnect. I dont think I will hear from him again. He knows what I was open for and his version of it is only fwb. No thanks. Not wasting my time or investing emotions. Thanks for the breakdown and reminders.
It’s sad how many men think that this behavior is not a big deal. Narcissistic in a way.
I just realized that my bf I’ve been getting broken up with off and on for the last 3 years of my life is a narsasict. I’m devastated after the things I’ve read about this. That they never really loved me kills me. Like my mind is racing, what was real?! Was it all fake?! This is terrible. I can’t stop crying.
You are very much on track with dan and I. It just so hard to walk away. Plus he always says he isn't going anywhere. I am very stressed and sad over all this.
In a relationship with someone is not married but has kids with her and doesn't want to separate. Neither one not in love anymore. Just dont want other people to raise kids. He's home on weekends I miss him but he text and calls to check on me. I'm ok with it now because I'm 64 but I would like to later go somewhere on weekends with someone because that's when I'm lonesome
Yes this resignates with me . You hit the hammer on the nail , in your words . My challenge is I”be been married for 30 years and 6 months , we have 2 beautiful young adult men who struggle with our sudden separation. My husband suffers from depression and has been struggling with also I feel I’s a mid -life crisis, or menopausal for men , which I believe they encounter as well . We are both seeking councilling and trying to work it out . I’m not quite ready to “quit” on my family as this is all I have left as my parents have passed many years ago . My husband still has his ... but their not very supportive and he feels he has to lie to them when we are together trying to sort out our issues .
Any advice on how to proceed with that ?
Yes, Jenn. Find a way to get support for yourself outside of your family. Your husband can only project his own issues onto you; he doesn't have anything left for you after what he's working on or just existing from, and your sons need you to be the adult here and calm them so inappropriate to expect anything of them. Pick your people. Online or in real life, branch out and focus on who you would choose if starting from scratch with what you know now. You'll need to get your emotional needs met elsewhere if you're to stay in this until you feel it's the right time for everyone you're concerned about including yourself, but it's been done and you can do it if you're choosing this with purpose and your own power instead of feeling like a victim. You're a wise thoughtful woman and you're going to figure this one out, too. Best of luck to you but you won't need it. You've got you!
Omg! This hit on every single level! I mean to a T! It gave me chills because I felt like you were right beside me, living my life! My ex boyfriend was the most amazing guy...at first. As time went on, things took a turn that I didn't see coming! After 3 years with him (2 of which I'm still working on processing) I finally got out of that dead end, horrible, crazy whirlwind of a relationship. I recently started seeing a guy who, on the surface, is totally not my type at all! But he took me by complete surprise and we've been together almost every night for the past month. Over this last week things started to change and he doesn't want to "label" the relationship but says that I'm the only one he is interested in being with and is with. He hasn't treated me badly but I can see that he is pushing away. So, I have left and given him his space and then he calls me later saying he misses me and I've been right over there. What a dummy! I have been allowing this to happen and he has taken advantage! Thanks to you, I'm now going to change that. Starting today! Instead of jumping to see him on his lunch break I think I will great myself to some lunch! Thank you so much!
Do that every time, Jacqueline, until he comes to you in that space. I'm so glad this met you right where you are!
I feel exactly like this only my relationship was a fwb and it was always a maybe r might come around. I am having a r really hard time getting past this man . By the way he's like 20 years younger than me. He always ends up coming back and I let him right back into my life and bed. I need to get over this someway.
When the pain of having this play out on repeat becomes greater than the imagined pain of being in the unknown, Vicki, you'll get out of it once and for all. First step is awareness and that's precisely what I'm hearing here from you. You can do this, too!
This hit the nail on the head for me. I was ready for taking things to the next level. He was not. He moved on to someone else by the next week leaving me totally floored. I’m now focusing on me and my happiness and hobbies. This was a great reinforcer.
Good! I'm so glad, Kristin. And I'll bet I'm going to confirm everything else that you're not yet sure you can trust what you know!
Its funny, I am waiting on a guy to make up his mind if he wants to move forward. Could you tell me if you see a guy named Anthony making a choice any time soon. Tires of getting mixed signals from him.
Wow! This is exactly what I needed today. I just wish you kept talking. I need to reread this everyday right now. This is completely the situation I’m in right now in my relationship. It sucks. I’m trying to figure out self love and it’s really hard right now. Thank you so much. Please keep these emails coming. I need more! 🙂
And I could go on and on and on about this topic, Kelly. So glad it's resonating with you. I will! ❤
Wow! You hit the nail on the head everything was great then he tells me he just wants to be friends he’s not ready for relationship and now no contact. I will wait for him I’m 60 years old and he has my heart but I know I need a life in between also
You do, Beverli. So glad it resonated with you!
I totally relate
It felt like we were on the same path, headed in the same direction. Somewhere I took a right and he took a left. Personally ultimatums seem childish too me, but there is a part of me that just wants to say are you in or out? Falling in love is easy, maintaining it is the hard part. I am in limbo, he's not committing, he won't even commit to not committing.
That's the point, Heather. If he won't commit to either there's nothing you can hold him to - just the way he wants it!
I have the same problem. Giving me excuses for not committing. His brother died. His 90+ aged parents need him. His parents have been in the equation the entire time. One excuse after another but not willing to end it either. String me along until I'm all used up.
Thank you so much for giving me strength behind what my reasoning for my recent actions with my guy. I am pregnant with his child right now and decided to move two states away because he couldn't provide a suitable living situation or meet any of my needs. And a month and a half later i find out that he's moved another female in to clean up the place in return for him helping her get on her feet. I see his pattern here because thatswhat he did with me almost three years ago. However he thinks he has me kept where im at and that im just going to shot around and wait for him to get it together and be ready for his 8th child in four months.... I don't think so.!
And I'm here for every part of that beautiful strength, Jessica. We can reason with ourselves forever the way we're programmed to look everywhere else but within!
In a 3 yr long distance relationship. He’s a sweetheart. But starting to get just texts. Rarely calls. It’s like you know me. Everything hits home. I’m teaching him how to treat me. How do I break this cycle?
If you've already talked to him about how you feel and nothing changed, show him with actions by only responding to texts when it's a "yes" or "no" thing and saving all your longer conversations for a phone call. When he asks why you didn't respond to his texts, tell him why. If you never get to the part where he calls you, you found out who he is. Honestly, Brenda, if you're 3 years in and you can't just talk to him about this - or that you even have to in the first place, that's a pretty important piece of information you need to know sooner rather than later. More importantly, what makes him a sweetheart?
I think I’m at the point where I’m going on I can’t wait for him to make up his mind .im also not going to text or phone call I can’t do this anymore . Befor I met him well over a year ago I just got out of a domestic violence relationship . He knew that I still don’t understand why he ghosted me we never faught was going good although he does driv truck for a living but I accept that yes he’s gone all the time but I started to care a lot about him and was willing to go through that journey with him but then all this happened over video chatted he said he needed to clear his head then no texting no calling nothing yes there for a while I was so hurt then angry but now I don’t really feel any emotion towards him anymore should I stil have the hope of him returning or just walk away for ever?
Something in between, Christina. Not walk away forever but not unjustified hope either. A focus on you, a reminder of who you are and what you have to offer and a putting him back in proper perspective of a very human guy who the jury's still out on whether he's even good for you. That and I'm so sorry for what you've previously been through. Don't put so much of yourself in without reciprocity that it leaves you angry, hurt and resentful. Taking it slow, not giving more than you're getting back and remembering just how long it takes to really know someone reminds you it's not about your worth, it's about practical compatibility and could you call him a friend?
My problem is that I got out if a 13 yr marriage and don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I want anymore. I was belitted for so long I don't think know who I am anymore. I used to be so strong. I have no guys friends to hang out with or girls I know are married. I am just lost. So it was easy to fall into.
ooh have I got plans for you, Shirley. I'm stuck on your words "I used to be so strong." Let's start by going back there and seeing how we can bring that woman you used to be back with us. Can't imagine not being lost after that kind of treatment but you were never meant for that life. It's the life you WERE meant for that we've got to find for you!
Yes this story rings true. I am setting boundaries, but we both work terrible hours. 6 days and 10 hrs long. With Coronavirus going around added to seclusion. He loves to play pool so he hangs with the boys about 2 hrs and spends the rest of the evening with me. When he met me he was a big time player. I knew this and played along I wasn't ready for a committment. But the longer we see each other maybe I am. We've seen each other now 3 month. He is becoming more open and sharing some of his past. There are some very complicated issues with him that I'm hoping he gets rid of or I'm forced to bail. He told me I was as addictive as a drug...wow pretty interesting. I'm learning a lot from reading your article. Thank you!! Keep me strong.
That email was great! It felt like you were living with me seeing how my relationship with this guy has evolved and played out. Some of it was hard to swallow but it was all stuff I needed to hear. Hopefully, this guy will come back around! Thank you!
So glad it resonated with you, Alisha! It's all so hard to hear, but what's even harder to hear is silence from him when your heart is breaking and he's walking away with every piece of that same heart. Whether he comes back around or not is a reflection on him, not on you!
I find it fascinating that I received your email regarding this subject just when I was thinking about this guy I've been talking to for a few months. In the beginning it was constant attention, calls every day. The way he spoke to me was amazing, the way he still speaks is nice but the calls are few now. I know something changed once he knew he "got me" and its been difficult to not express the emotions I have built up over this change. I will heed your advice and move on to fulfill my life chasing my passions, things that touch my soul. I don't have time to wait until this guy decides he wants to do what he needs to do to keep me. I appreciate your email. It really helped! Thank you! Carla
This is so spot on!! I'm amazed how you pin pointed every exact detail of how my dating life is right now with the guy in my life. Well, the guy in my life that I see once a week. I just need to let him go. It's tearing me up inside. I am a strong 49 year old woman but he is the first guy that I am so attracted to and have such a strong connection to for once, and it's so hard. The thought of losing what I've been looking for my whole life is tough.
So good
I love reading all your stuff. It's helpful. I am back with high school sweetheart after 27 yrs. He started saying everyone including me was texting to much. So i backed off to where he would have to reach out first. . he told me last night what i was doing was to much that he didnt mean for me to back off that much. He was already thinking i had started doing something else. So i am confused.
Yes it does apply. But what I did was tell him I loved him and then he broke up with me. My heart is so crushed. I am 60 years old and I had a 35 year marriage with my husband who died 4 years ago. I am starting over and it took a lot for me to put myself out there and then he crushed my heart. He asked me to be his girlfriend and said we were in a committed relationship. So assumed we were happy together but I guess I was wrong. We were together seven months. I am heartbroken and do not understand. I don't want to play games. I am too old for games. I thought we were in an adult relationship. Not sure if I am going to try to get in another relationship. It hurts too bad. I fall for people quickly.
Hi Marilyn,
I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. I am close to your age and have found the entire "dating" experience exasperating. It seems men just improve these "games" as they get older. I'm amazed to see how so many of them I've met have perfected this as they age.
I agree, we are past that stage in our lives and would expect when you are honest and open in a relationship, especially when you're led to believe that he is there with you only to find he runs when you are honest. It's devastating, but perhaps a blessing to find out now.
Like you, I think I'm about over trying but as we know, the right person comes along when we least expect it. Take this time to find yourself again, learn what it is that makes you truly happy, what your passion is and pursue that. You may find that man while you're finding yourself, but remember, you will be fine without him too. We can be happy on our own. I know it's lonely, but I often ask myself is it worth the pain and compromise just to save myself from being alone?
You're not alone here, so follow your instinct and be patient to find just what you're looking for. We're too old for games, but we're also too old to settle for what we know isn't right. Best wishes to you.
Oh my goodness...thus us exactly where I am at in my relationship...I am ready to walk away. Everything you have described and said is on point. Perfect
So glad it's resonating with you, Noeleen. I'm here for you, girl!
It's like Déjà vu! I met this amazing guy in September....was love at first sight from my end...something I had never experienced. I have always been perused. This one was different. I think he was trying to fill a void. I had actually adopted a dog to him and I think that was all he needed. After him sending me amazing cards, saying amazing things....every day he started backing off. I questioned him in December and asked if he wanted a long term relationship or just a casual relationship. He said .... I want a LTR but I am just not where you are. The phone calls that were always difficult to get him to do became non existent and he was showing up on the weekends (it was also a long distance relationship). Finally on Valentines Day....he had said he had to pick up his son, and he would come down the night before and we would go out. I gave in as always. Then Thursday rolls around....he messages me he had a conf. call at 6-7 pm and would head out after that. 7:15 pm rolls around and he texts (no call). I am really tired, I'm not going to come down....can we meet up on Sunday...I am sorry.
Well, I didn't respond....the next day I called him and told him, how I felt and told him he needs to figure it out. It's almost 2 weeks and nothing....so I started dating again. If he figures it out...great! But I started to really loose myself, because I was so in love.
And so you have his answer, Dawn. Two weeks with no response is pretty clear. If he's tired already, what's left for you?
You hit he nail on the head. I feel like I’ve gotten myself into a friend with benefits situation that has gone on for almost 2 years. Every time I try to mention dating, he disappears. I’ve caught feelings and know I need to walk away.... it’s so hard but I do deserve better.
We never intend to settle for that kind of relationship, Loriann, but it happens just like you describe. Don't focus on him,focus on you and creating a beautiful, passion filled life for yourself instead. It's so much harder to leave this kind of relationship we've already settled for when we're depriving ourselves of what we think we can't live without. When you focus on you and your life instead, you'll come to it for yourself instead. ❤
Everythig I read in this article is exactly what happened to me.
He looked for me, did the chasing and got me hooked. Then it ll began, he started saying don't go falling in love with me because he did'nt want a girlfriend or a relatioship, that he was a loner here one day and gone the next.
Sounds about right, Mary. I'm so sorry you've experienced this, too.
I totally resonate with what you are saying. I'm going to take any and all advice I can get and use it to make me happy
Love hearing that, Ellie. I'm so glad you found your way here!
I've got a story: I connected with someone online. However, his mother had just had a stroke. P still wanted to talk to me and meet me, he made that very clear. We spend 3 weeks chatting over the phone, texting, really connecting. Our first date was so romantic and lovely, he said he couldn't believe he'd finally met me, I was his twin flame, etc etc. We dated for two months and in that time he was dealing with his mum, 'stuff' with his 2 kids, his career changes (he was about to study both hypnotherapy and Reiki); so many things were going on in his life. P was still very committed to me though and we were starting to look forward to a future together. He would talk about where we would live, etc. Big plans. P was beginning to feel quite stressed though; postponing or cancelling our plans; just not being there for me in the way he wanted to. That made me feel uneasy too and I was worried about him.
Finally, after not attending a wedding with me due to a last minute situation with his mother, (she is very ill and may not make it to 2021) he had a meltdown and told me he needed to put the relationship on hold. I was heartbroken but I knew he'd done the right thing. I gave him space, but let him know I was there for him and was thinking of him during this difficult time.
Long story short: in the past 4 weeks since this happened, there has been some communication but it's just not the same. He's clearly in a weird space with me. I saw him last week and we had a good chat, I felt we were connecting again and I stayed with him that night. But he acknowledged it was perhaps a 'having your cake and eating it' situation and told me he understood if I just wanted to be platonic friends. I sent him a gentle, thoughtfully worded email the next day suggesting we honour the friendship and go from there, without agenda or expectation. I decided it wasn't healthy for me to keep sleeping with him.
We were supposed to catch up the other night but he cancelled, saying he had to take his mother somewhere. I haven't heard from him since and now I am leaving it. I won't initiate contact again. Whatever happens - whether we're friends, we get back together again one day or I never see him again, I know that in the end, I set my boundaries, gave him space and bowed out gracefully. I know he cares about me and appreciates me, but at this point I really don't know what will happen. At least he was honest. I do miss him very much but all I can do is get on with my life, the life I love, and be with my wonderful friends and family. 🙂
Hi, this is resonating with me right now. I met a guy a couple of months ago, I know he likes me but he is so painfully shy. He doesn’t know how to be with a woman. He hasn’t had a woman in over 5 years. It’s like being with a teenager who is just learning to be with girls. Problem is he so nice and kind and I like being with him but he doesn’t call or contact me during the week and if I didn’t contact him to see what he is doing he is happy to do what ever I want to do. He just won’t take the lead .
P.S. I’ve just come out of a 34 year marriage with a narcissist.
Sonja, so sorry you also had a painful long-term marriage with a narcissist...we give, they continually drain & hurt us. Now we see we need boundaries to protect ourselves. We can carefully guard our hearts, refrain from being substitute mom or enabler or fixer. You have suffered so much, please do not be a victim again. He is not ready to be in a romantic relationship. People will change when they want to so badly they make the hard choices & changes required.
All great advice Jane ..Its been 10 years since my divorce after a 23 year marriage Ive spent pretty much all that time just surviving (if you have kids , a demanding career ,elderly demanding parents and a large extended family I have no doubt you ll understand that !Thing is , it requires YOU to tackle the pain of seeing yourself objectively , taking responsibility for whatever went awry in the communication department and dealing with attitudes /assumptions that really arose a long time ago .....This isnt the right forum , but to learn to say honestly what you feel or think is vital ....
I enjoyed reading this because its common sense .As a scientist I found my heart and body (and brain !) were disconnected .Healing and the discovery of simple joys and gratitude really evolved from me admitting I needed help , seeing a good clinical psych , and putting into practice what I was taught ..From that came the reemergence of the girl I was - curious , gawky, enthusiastic , fun loving and up for almost anything outside my experience - whether it was salsa dancing (love it !!) singing in a pub choir (brilliant fun ) going back to drawing /sketching and a lot Id shelved as I madly juggled multiple balls in an attempt to be the superwoman Id been taught to aspire to be ....
Key message is - LIKE yourself , the person you are aspiring to be , be gentle as youll stuff up and nothing great is ever easy ...
Stop saying /thinking negative stuff ,about yourself , anyone really ....The runway is short and think who who want to be around - those whose warmth , kindness , humour and caring lift you..See ?Not rocket science is it ??
Keep doing what you do - my greatest resources and the bedrock of my life are the many many women in it , of all ages ...Blessed indeed am I ..
.I love men , but I know so many are afraid to seek peace or knowledge within ..I have many male friends who I encourage to pursue this path ..I wish our society felt it was a priority ....
Maybe one day I will find a partner who will see my journey , appreciate what I offer and want to come play the game of life beside me ...Of course statistically its improbable , but I keep an open heart and am glad for the journey ....What a gift is the Present !!
Finally please see this as acknowledgement of a really helpful way of approaching modern love ..Bless you for what you do
Warmest regards
Exactly, Nedra. Learning what it means to like and love ourselves for real - not just the cliche - is everything! Most of us just never learned or were shown how. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you found your way here.
Hi Jane. I am absolutely devastated about a man I thought was in love with me. After a 3 year difficult relationship, he has cheated. I have realised however that all my relationships have ended in dishonesty. I am over being hurt by men but for The first time in my life I want to love me..and be the best mum I can be.
thank you
and please keep the advice coming.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Lynda, but I love your new resolve! So glad my messages are resonating with you and I will absolutely be here for more!
Oh my god ! This text talks to me so deeply. Thank you so much 😊
So glad it resonated with you, Audrey. Thanks for stopping by to let me know!
This is exactly what I am going through at this exact moment. What perfect timing . Thank you
Me too. I wish he would be honest with me... Why does a guy try telling u what he thinks you want to here... If the guy don't want her to leave , he wants to keep her. Just Be real with her
I don't want to be hurt anymore.. I don't want deception..I want him to love me and respect me ENOUGH to be honest with.
Sad to say, I think I'm there right now. I have Mr. Right but he's not ready to commit to me. I'm slowly building my life, friends and activities. It just breaks my heart because I'm in love. All I can do is hope and go on.
It's so heartbreaking to be with someone who isn't on the same page as you! Can you narrow down what that "in love" means to you, Evelyn? And do you know why you've chosen him? Why it's someone who isn't ready to commit to you? Yes, you can hope. But I'm wondering if there's more here for you to see to shed some light on what you can do and what you do still have some control over.
Hi Jane,
This is my complicated story of love, heartbreak and total confusion.
In February last year my former boyfriend who I had not seen for 25 years unexpectedly turned up as a patient where I work; his wife had taken her own life 4 months previously and I was currently in a separated under one roof unhappy marriage. The old feelings returned very quickly for us both, non stop daily messages, calls, catch ups, though relationship remained platonic and him declaring that he had always loved me, I was the One, his soulmate , the woman he wanted to marry etc quite early on, I was a bit more hesitant but having been lonely for so long; I wanted to believe the fairy tale too. I also tried to support him with his grieving process, helping him arrange counselling sessions, advice re kids etc, I am naturally very empathetic and caring. He always said how easy it was to be with me, he felt safe to be himself and that there was no judgment. It was absolutely beautiful for the first few months and then the cracks started to show, not sure if it was after he knew I was hooked or just because I had been a distraction to stop him having to deal with his grief? He started going missing on the weekends and my insecurity started to think that there was someone else, he started to spend less time with me but the messages were still coming through every morning and night. In August his son who has been troubled for many years attempted suicide and though he initially discussed this and how it had affected him with me he gradually withdrew even more saying that he was overwhelmed by everything and eventually that he wasn't in the right place for a relationship at the moment, his emotions are all over the place and he couldn't give me what I deserve. I had totally fallen for him by this stage and was devastated, agreeing to still stay friends.
So the next few months have dragged on, intermittent contact, a couple of visits when he always hugs and kisses me, says there are no other women, I'm now separated living in my own house and with a fair bit of my own healing to do to get back to my happy place so I guess I've accepted this non relationship while we both sort out our lives but it is extremely difficult: i'm not sure if he will ever be ready? I feel like I have been chasing him, still sending how are you and thinking of you messages from time to time too.
Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated.
I can relate with so much of what you are teaching. Relationships are hard, harder than they should be. I’m in one now that I’m thinking probably will never be more than what it is. I’m trying to figure that out and work through my “over thinking” habit. But really that boils down to just being truthful to myself and deciding whether to fish or cut bait. It’s always tough when we get emotionally involved in someone but that you may be afraid to reveal how they really feel. It’s tough and I appreciate all you advice.
I went to counseling fir the first time yesterday with my partner of 13 years for this reason. I only discovered what emotionally unavailable was. I fee like my partner is coming around now as he realized that we ain't getting any younger. But half of me has been resentful and damaged from feeling unloved and appreciated for all these years. And the counselor put alot of it on me, for the way I feel about it. Yes I know you have to move forward but I still have alot of unanswered questions. Should I just let it go if he is now willing to move forward?
Holy cow. This is so absurdly applicable to my life right now it's insane. I just recently told a guy I was seeing who was doing exactly this that our relationship as-is wasn't working for me. This is a guy I've been close with for YEARS who I know genuinely cares for me and who has expressed that I'm the kind of woman he sees himself committing to, but he just isn't ready. I gave it a decent amount of time to develop and when it became clear he just wasn't in a place to take it further and was still uncertain, I very lovingly told him I understood and that I wanted him to go be on his own and take space to figure out what he wants, but that I'm not interested in dating someone who isn't completely in.
It was hard to feel like he wasn't "fighting for me/us", but empowering to realize I could say no to something that wasn't up to my standards and the honest truth is, I don't think it's personal AT ALL. I know I'm a prize and I know he knows it too, but if you're not ready, you're not ready! And me sitting there waiting and pretending like what I was getting was enough wasn't doing anything to move the situation in a good direction. It's as simple as that.
This was SUCH a refreshing take on this situation, because women SO OFTEN have the view that when guys do this, they just don't give a shit about you and are playing you. I don't think that's the case 90% of the time - I believe most men are good men with good intentions, but you can't rush yourself to be in a place you're not emotionally, guys in this situation are probably just uncertain and scared (of vulnerability, of losing independence, of making the wrong choice, of not having their life exactly where they want it to be to take on a relationship, etc, etc), and as women, we ALLOW them to stay in that place of not having to make a choice by not speaking up and just waiting around.
Not helpful for either side.
If the connection is meant to be, it'll come back to ya and you'll be able to turn HIM down if you're over it or onto something new by then OR excitedly pursue something together knowing he IS in a place of "all in" mentality - which should be a pre-requisite for monopolizing your romantic energy.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!
Exactly, R. So glad this resonated with you!
My husband decided after 20 years married he wants a divorce. We have been busy with 3 active kids and one who has ADHD, ODD and depression. My husband also found out he has ADHD anxiety and depression. I know this is a midlife crisis or medication issue. We were happy. Life got in the way. We stopped communicating and drifted. All of our “issues” are fixable things so it devastated me that he is giving up. I’m working on myself in the meantime. Trying to not chase him. It’s painful and hard and soul crushing. But these emails have been so helpful and hopeful and I appreciate them.
Oh Julia, my heart hurts for what you're going through. I'm just glad you found your way here to something that's resonating with you. if there's anything more I can do to help, please let me know. I'm here.
O yes I can totally relate to blog I just read
Thank you for this wonderful message! I hate to admit that he’s not willing to commit right now, even totally don’t want an LDR, co’s it seems unhealthy and stressful based from his past experiences. But, why does he gave an end to it where in fact, it’s just getting started? Without putting a little effort and be patient about it? I felt like I was thrown at the side and left me wondering what made him uttered those words at me. Though he’s a nice guy, sweet and thoughtful, and funny sometimes, I want forget about having this feelings for him and move on with my life. I can’t force him to change and even wait for him until such time he is ready. I have to chase my dreams and love myself more rather than brooding and contemplating on what went wrong. I even want to block him but I just can’t. He have treated me well, even gave some advice and encouragement, I am still being “nice” to him despite of getting hurt from his words. Even chatting occasionally, but not the same as before where I get excited and happy. I tried to stop communicating with him but he sometimes send off-line messages and call me as well. I know I should avoid him at all cost but I can’t help it. Maybe I’ll let this feelings go and let time heal me. Or just do what I am supposed to do with my life until such time I will no longer think about him.
Because you're seeing who he actually is, Ella. Before it ever gets off the ground and becomes what you know - and you're right! - it could be! We have to see this part too, we need to. Before we're in too deep to be able to do anything about it.
You nailed it, and I feel almost “ free” reading your words! Thank you!
Jodie
Thank you! yes this makes alot of sense. I started out being the awesome girlfriend that he pursued for a while. Everything seemed perfect. I was introduced to family and friends and he kept saying how I was what he wanted for so long and we had been friends for a while, so I felt he knew me. Then, after meeting family, friends, out of the blue he would break it off. I was so confused and would feel like I did something wrong and would always try to win him back although I had never treated him bad or did anything wrong. We would get back together, and he would say he was so glad to have me back. Not for long! same thing would happen again. Finally, I was done. I got my tv from his house told him I had enough. I really meant it.
This really scared him and a week later I recieved a text asking me to meet him and could we at least be friends? So my heart gave in, I met him, saw a few tears, and we were back together. He mentioned we should talk about moving in together, and we did talk but I could tell it scared him to try and figure it out how we would. So after 6 mos or so he broke it off again. I always missed him so bad since we had alot of fun together and we was my world and friend. I've had a hard time moving on and yes, I've always had my own life, own house, alot of goals but we shared alot. It's very hard to disconnect my heart from my head, but I now know, I need to stop taking it so personally, no matter what I did I couldn't be the "perfect girlfriend" no matter what I did. It was hard to let go of what I thought it could be and face the reality of the relations.
You're so welcome, Lisa. None of this is easy when you're going through it but I'm glad this helped. Everything is always perfect in the beginning with men like this. The question is, like you found out, does the bar of perfection keep being raised or do you move from the illusion of perfection on either you or the relationship's part to where you can together become something real? It's not personal. It never is. You can never be the "perfect girlfriend" with someone who uses the excuse of perfection to hide from his own deep imperfections. The irony, and usually the tragedy of being with someone like this, is that the more perfect you are, the more he fears what he would have to do and be to keep you from exposing him for who he actually is beneath his own far less than perfect false exterior. Absolutely tragic. But yes, it gets easier with time and the more you understand what's really going on underneath what it feels like. Hang in there!
After an abusive childhood and 2 abusive relationships; I finally got to the point I was done; with everything.
I’d forgotten who I was and what I was worth.
With a lot of help from people much smarter about these things than me, I am working my way back to me. The happy days are more frequent and the sad days not so horrid.
All the advice I can give is, if you are not happy, it’s not the right relationship.
Hearing you, Sam. Be so proud of yourself for how much you've overcome. And then look in the mirror. You're becoming one of those people.
You really described my situation exactly! It brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been in love with a man for a year. When we met it was beautiful , he asked me out and begged for my attention. Then something changed. He comes over when it’s convenient for him. I feel like I’m begging for his attention now. It feels like a game with him. When he comes over I feel so wonderful, then 2 hours later he leaves and I’m empty.
I’m crying as I write this because I know your email was on point. I knew he didn’t want to move the relationship forward but he won’t let go when he thinks that I’m going to see someone else then he shows up. It’s like he won’t let go of what he knows I can give him ... but that’s only when he’s ready.
I’m ready now! I’ve said things to him about it and he doesn’t respond. I’m non-confrontational so he knows I’ll drop it because I don’t want to argue. This was the most direct email I’ve ever received, thank you!
Oh Wanda, I'm so glad this resonated so deeply with you. You're a beautiful soul and my heart goes out to you. Your heart is so welcome here and I'm honored you found your way here! ❤
Your thoughts resonated with me so very much.Over waiting and hoping that special man will enter my life now just getting on with my own unique,precious life creating my own fun times .Men!,,
Yes, Deborah, exactly. A life worth so much more than time spent waiting for something or someone that takes every bit of your power away from you!
Jane, your email came at such a good moment. It helped to give me the strength to not text. It is only 4 days but never longer than 1-2 days before this week.
The man I met just 4 months ago showed me affection and insight into a wonderful future. This diminished as he became busy with work and a grown up family but he constantly wanted to keep in touch and said it certainly wasn't the end for us. He has been to see me to explain changes in his current situation and said his ex wife has moved in to help look after a young grandchild. I do believe there is nothing between them but he does not have time to see me. He wanted to stay in touch and be 'friends' and initially I agreed but the upset was too much for me. I suggested a few time that we stop contact for a few weeks but he continued to message most days. The final text a few days ago seems to have worked.
I still get urges to text and wonder if he thinks about me. Your words and advice have helped so much, thank you.
Oh I'm so glad this helped, Christine. If it's longer than you've gone before, that's huge! This isn't a contest; it's your life! In the simplest terms, he's doing what works for him. You have to do what works for you! I'll walk through this with you. Every day is one more day you chose you and what you can live with. Not him, but you. You can do this!
This sounds like the (fwb) situation we were in 30 years ago. Then our group went our separate ways, grew up. He & I would run across each other occasionally...& were always happy to see one another. He sent me a friend request last week (after years of NO talking). The chemistry was still there...we both had such intense...conversation...& I felt like something...just slammed into me...I haven't thought about him like that in years & haven't been able to stop thinking of him....I'm too old to feel like this....I believe he got spooked & if I hear from him now...it's just a couple of sentences...so????
Hi Jane,
You really nailed it with this one! I'm involved with a wonderful man ( or think I am) who claims to be scared of committing to a relationship with me. Sometimes I feel like just a bootie call. We have an amazing chemistry, atleast I think we did. He asked me to be patient with him, not to give up on him and I tried. However, if I didn't text or call I would not hear from him for something like 2 wks sometimes. When I did it was to meet to make love. So I thought that enough is enough, he's just dicking me around and I don't deserve this. The last time I texted him I did get a few monosyllabic answers. Then nothing. So I reached out again twice and nothing. The last and 3rd time I reached out I said, I know that he's a bit overloaded with his moving (cause he did move) and everything, he can tell me more about it or not if he wants. I told him his silence is telling me to back off and give him his space so I will do so now. I give up.. That's what I did. It's only been a day that I did this and I haven't gotten a response from him. I'm so hurt. What do you suggest I do? I really thought he was the one and he was sooo into me. Please write me directly. I don't want to put this online.I really appreciate your help with this one.
Thanks
It's like you can see my life and mind. I'm married for 10 years and there is just let down after let down, feeling like I am competing with his secrets, battling the emotional love bombs followed so abrubtly by the cold and cruel neglect. And then the anger, hes just so angry because I need truth. But I am not allowed to be angry or tell him how it all makes me and the children feel because that just makes it all worse. He punishes us if we react to his behaviour. And it's always our fault and our responsibility to trust in the wake of crisis, tiptoe out of fear of what he will do or not do. So I feel paralysed, ridiculous, humiliated and lost in a world where I crave him and truth in his promises to the point that I feel like I don't know how to live without him. It's nonsensical. But the dependence on the small mercies despite the mammoth amount of pain feels like it's worth it... I wish I felt the opposite and had the courage to run
Wow! You just described the last 33 years of my life, married to a passive/ aggressive man. I am in the process of getting divorced now and am so much happier. I wish I would have known a long time ago but everything happens for a reason and I've learned valuable lessons from this. I was a broken, naive 21 year old when I met him but now I'll be 55 in January and I'm ready to take my life and power back!
Perhaps, sometimes, we are also not ready for what we claim to want. By letting him treat us the way he is, we are also "keeping our options" open. Nothing wrong with that, of course, if one is aware that is what one is doing. Knowing what one wants, and why one wants it, is key. I've always believed that it's of no use to be in a relationship for the sake thereof, that is, one shouldn't seek relationships because they feel compelled to. The reasons for the relationship determine the quality of it. I've had strong, true connections with folks, who for reasons beyond both of our controls, I've kept around in my circles, because I care for them and genuinely enjoy their company, while keeping in mind that I should be clear about my boundaries with them, and respect theirs, while simultaneously not wasting theirs or my time. Sometimes, the reasons why I can't be with someone, are not personal, but circumstantial.
Does it resonate? It's spot on. I ended my so called relationship 2 weeks ago. I feel confused, scared and liberated. Im angry with myself that I put all of myself all out there. Trying to stay positive and moving on with my own personal growth.
Confused, scared and liberated - welcome to the club, Liz. That mix of feelings is so common. Come out and play! There's a world of new people, new experiences and new life to be had when you focus on you for a change! (And no, it's not selfish, contrary to so many of our ingrained beliefs!)
I'm with you Liz but we will be just fine. I've never lived on my own having met mine at 21. I will soon be 55 and starting life over. Terrified at first, which actually kept me stuck in the relationship longer than I should have been, but looking forward to this next chapter in my life!
Hi Jane:
The night before I read this email I had decided I had to take control of a relationship. I woke up to this email and I felt it was written just for me.
I had been dated a wonderful man for close to three months. I met him on a dating site, the only man I dated on it and just knew that I wanted to get to know him without other distractions, We both felt very fortunate of meeting each other. He is from Canada and was under a five year contract and as he said, I'll see what happens after that". That..gave me hope. That was the second question I asked him before I met him. How long will you be here. Well we dated for close to three months and he had just had his first year here. He then called me about three weeks ago to let me know he was going have a very difficult conversation with me. His boss wanted him back in Canada to run the failing business there. I was devastated as this was my fear with him. Right then and there we agreed we both wanted to continue our relationship until he left. He said he would be back once a month. He was the first man in a really long time that was a true gentleman, respectful, sweet, thoughtful, attractive, successful and sexy. We had amazing chemistry from the moment we met. I felt totally safe with him. I left him three weeks ago for him to go and golf and that is where he went left or right and left me standing there. He pulled back and wasn't responding to my messages, wasn't calling. I gave him 8 days while he had a married couple in from Canada without a word coming my way or sending him anything. He had expressed his stress over the last quarter in the business and crunch time. he couldn't commit to anything and was having a hard time balancing work and personal and was taking one day at a time. This was in a text and nothing was discussed like this when I was with him. I finally reached out to him on the 8th day to say, " Im thinking about you and wondering how you are doing? He responded a hour later with saying he was finally without house guests and sorry he hadn't reached out at his schedule was difficult. Asked how I was and the party he wasn't able to attend. I responded to his questions and nothing more. I was quite impressed he wasn't in a coma and it just pissed me off! No more contact until I reached out again two days later with a pic of a nice view at a hotel I was staying and I said I wished he was here relaxing with me. He responded to asking where it was. a few other things and I said he was driving and more later. I said....I'd love to hear your sexy voice, how about a call later? He said will do. I said I have now been invited to dinner with my gf's conference if I miss your call I will return it. Nothing back from him nor a call. The next morning he texted me about falling asleep very early, which isn't unusual, and said he would try and call later today as he was working out of town. I wrote I'd be home around 7:30 from work and I looked forward to his call. That was 5 days ago and nothing. He never called, never texted and I never reached out again. I finally had to let go because this was so confusing to me. I don't want to reach out to him because I would love him to reach out to me. This behavior is so shocking to me coming from him. I would have never expected this as He is always classy and a gentleman. The only thing I can think is he saw I was emotional about the news of him leaving, not that I was crying in front of him, but it was written in my eyes. He asked if I was still going to help him with his hip surgery on nov 15th. I had to take control of this because I was waiting for him to. He was suppose to go to a party with me last night and of course didn't. I'm very sad but I'm not going to chase him...Did I do right?
You did right, Terri. You can't be the only one actively participating in a relationship that needs two!
The article resonates within me but I am confused still I don’t know how much of this situation is created by my own negative an fearful thoughts that he is not into me and how much this is actually him which makes me stuck.
So how would that matter, H? Isn't the resulting behavior you're seeing from him the same?
I am not sure I believe we are creating our reality. Sometimes it is just hard to be completely relaxed and positive about things especially when it is something close to your heart. I texted him today that it is not enough for me not talking or seeing each other for a while and wanted to have his view. No response ....
That non-response is everything, H. That's your clarity - in the information someone gives you. The key is to get enough information about who someone is before we become too attached to objectively do something about it!
Wow awesome! Thank you very much Jane. This was really helpful.
All the best ! xxx
I'm so glad it helped, Eliz. And thank you for stopping by to let me know!
This applied to me so much! I am going through this right now and have been for the past year. We met a year ago and he came on really strong and fast alittle to fast for me. But, I feel for him and now I love him. After six months of dating (with him acting hot and cold for about 3 months of those 6) he went back to his ex (mother of his child) and didn't even tell me. We continued to talk and see each other time to time, but it was killing me knowing he was with her and i would get so angry and show him this when I didn't want him to think I cared, i kind of wanted him to realize he lost me, but couldn't hold my feeling in. I told him I would not be his second choice. We stopped talking but she eventually found out about me and we spoke. I told her everything. I told her they were not together when we met and she did confirm that (because I would never date a girl who had a girlfriend. ) I guess she wasn't happy about it and from what he says they got into a big fight about it and he left. We started talking again/seeing each other 4 months.. he is now acting hot and cold. He tells me he wants to be with me, but is not asking to see me like he was and doesn't show it through his actions. He only texts me and he'll text me all day long, really nice and nonchalant. Calls me baby, sweety, tells me he misses me and is thinking about me, but if you miss me so much why aren't you asking to see me/spend more time with me? He acts like we live in another state from one another. He also says we both work and he's tired from work. B.S.! I told him if someone really wants someone they'll make every attempt to be with or see that person, they'll show it! He tells me I never understand him. I don't believe him sometimes because of his hot and coldness and he tells me he can't take me never believing him, and said it was better if we go our separate ways. I agreed. He still continued to text me, I responded but casually, he asked to take me out last Saturday and I agreed. We went dancing and back to his plac, spend another night together during the week and he did my breaks for me on my car but since then has not asked to see me just text me everyday. Sometimes I say am I being too needy? I feel like I want to spend so much time with him. Like I want a real relationship. I'm not saying he has to be up my butt 24/7 but u know what I mean. Last night he called and said he wanted to see me but was taking long to respond back to our text messages. Not making an actual place/time etc. It was getting later and later so I went out. Then he texts me and says "what are you doing out with your little boyfriends." I makes me so mad because if it was up to me i'd be with him! So today like a fool I text him telling him I can't play these games and idk if he was possibly trying to get back with his ex or if he just didn't want to be with me but something is wrong. He responded very short and said "nothing's wtong on my part you're the one always thinking the worst." I did not respond. I know this sounds like RUN, LEAVE him alone right? And I tell myself this believe me but its so hard when u have deep feelings for someone and his words (which I know actions speak louder) are so sweet, he tells me he really wants to be with me. But he doesn't talk about out future together like he use to and how he would tell me he wanted to have a baby together. None of these things are being talked about anymore from him. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Definitely leave him and try to ignore any texts. He is not interested in a real relationship with anyone. That other night re the texts, sounds like he was bored. Either that, or he was busy making other plans while stringing you along.
He is no prize. So long as you let him draw you back in, you won’t reach the point where you are free to meet a great guy.
This is hard at first because we like it when a guy runs after us —it can feel so good and also seem extremely meant to be and super romantic— but that is all he does.
Next time he texts, read it but promise yourself that you will wait and answer it 24 hours later. Set a calendar reminder if that helps you let it go during that time. Try to keep extending the amount of time you wait, but also find something you enjoy doing during it, can be a date, going out, or doing your nails at home.
Be aware he will ramp up his attention and pursuing at first. But that his thing after all: He has shown he can pursue (and actually that he can pursue more than one woman at once), but with what you know of his past relationship and his times with you, he can’t sustain. He isn’t true relationship material. He just can talk the talk as needed when he pursues.
I had a guy who was like this and, wow, when he was in pursuit mode: he would even drive 50 min each way before work to drop off my favorite coffee by my front door in the morning!??! Another time he even had his sister call me to convince me of his sincerity and that he was working on his issues. She begged me to let him take me to her wedding?! Too bad he never could put all that effort into being honest in a relationship and letting it grow. When I finally cut him out for real , I felt this huge relief!
He later got married and there was an article in the paper about them (yes, that felt ugh to see) and their cute meeting and how she knew he was the one. But ... the bizarre thing is given the dates mentioned in the news article , he was still pursuing me and considering me his girlfriend during their first several dates, including the one where she knew he was the one and just knew that she would always be safe with him (her words) . After they got married, he lied and cheated ... multiple times.
Me? I read Jane’s Articles and everybody’s Comments. It made me stronger and more determined. I got better at seeing red flags and actually acting on them and getting out sooner. I then became choosier when picking guys. And then I met my guy! We’ve now been together 7+ years, married for over 4.5 of those years.
You WILL meet your guy too! Once you are truly free to do so.
Wow, just Wow! This is so my last relationship. He did almost everything you said.
This is my situation completely, he says “ you’re mine” but when I ask about having more with him he says “ eventually”. We can “ explore” things. We have explosive chemistry and I know he has some feelings for me but I don’t think he will commit. The real problem is me, when I see him I melt.
Eventually and Explore are fine if you are not interested in getting married and don’t mind wasting a few years or more until you are free to meet someone else.
This was very helpful. I'm going through this right now in a relationship and your right about how man treats you when there just there for what they want. My problem is I want let go, he comes and go when he gets ready. I think he's my soul mate, but he makes me feel alone, not worthy and his responsibility for his actions with me is just like I don't care if you stay or if you leave. I do love myself and am aware how to 😍 love. To much...
I did it. I was in a wonderful relationship for a year, he treated me like a wife/queen. But, there is an emotional unavailability which has pushed me away. Letting go of him is so hard...but your right, he knows what he has to do if he wants me. He knows how to find me. And yet every day goes by and he doesn't. WOW! So, I'm changing my life, and going back to my friends, changing my miserable job, and I might even change my hair today!
Thank you for the inspiration, I will continue to read your articles for strength.
This is so true...keep holding out for that 'one day' when he can give more. When he does not want to share his emotional energy with a group of other girls via texts. We are exclusive (according to him) but why do I feel like I am 'the other woman'? Is this normal in other relationships?
I was in what I thought was a relationship for over one year, then he drops it on me that he loves me like he does his mum. It is only ever going to be no more than friendship after we have been intimate all this time. Although I broke it off because he has hurt me deeply with what he has said to me, he still wants to go to bed with me and boss me around. He called me 5 times last night until he reached me and wanted to come over, but just as friends and have sex. I told him that I am not being used and we are no longer just friends. He was disappointed and said goodnight and that he would see me around the neighbourhood. I am keeping busy and not giving in to him like I used to. I cannot keep doing this to myself. It hurts too bad. I did everything and gave it my all and he just treated me poorly, time after time.
Diane, you deserve a lot of kudos and support! It sounds like you are making the right caring loving and protective decisions for yourself. Give yourself time to mourn and then get excited that you are finally free to meet the right guy! And he IS out there!
Everything you wrote is right, and these are things I've told myself over and over - I am good friends with this man, I finally (after over a year) told him I had this crush and he wants to just be friends - I was hoping this would be the news I needed to get over this, and I still....STILL find myself thinking about him and all the possible ways he could change his mind or come around..like I'm torturing myself with it. And then I judge myself for having the thoughts. I am a smart, educated, beautiful woman and can't believe this is what I'm spending my time on. I went through a horrible divorce and I didn't have this much trouble with my divorce. My father had a stroke when I was 19 and was brain-damaged for most of my adult life before he finally passed away this year...so maybe worse because of that? Here is to hoping and praying that this will sync in a little bit more today than yesterday..
Hi Jane, after a long discussion and knowing my bfs and I have been fighting over prioritising, I took them initiative to take some space to re-evaluate our relationship with the agreement to be mutually exclusive. So far it has been okay but hard and have ups and downs. I am not his TOP priority right now as things have gotten busy and the way he phrased it gutted me. He claims to have trouble with a committed relationship, but still loves me and cares a lot about me. I want him back, the one who would talk about a future and life together, and commit to me like he did before, or if not, more. How do I achieve this? I have already done the re-discovery of myself and going out there and exploring life, but I am simply tired.
I am recently separated after 32 yrs and want to date but realize i have lots to learn still about men..... you have helped me alot with a recent crush from a highschool reunion... he was all hot and then went cold... and actions speak louder than words... i am finally able to be myself and not settling for anyone... i was lonely in a relationship for 32 yrs and dont want the same... i love being on my own and will wait for the right guy that is food for me... you have helped me alot to look at this latest guy clearer thank you
So glad to have been able to give you some clarity, Frances. Thanks for sharing. Lonely in a relationship is the absolute worst place to be and I hope you're seeing how to avoid ever finding yourself in that place again!
I am surprised that you described my situation exactly. That’s exactly what he does. And I have been thinking that it is my choice, but I have been hesitant with this decision. After reading your article, I could make a decision on my own that I have to clarify the relationship between me and him. He always avoid talking about the relationship.
I need your advise how to tell him wisely. He is smart and he always sneak out the serious questions I ask him.
Thank you for helping me out.
well my thing is i think i am just a job to him...long story about that but anyway he spends time with me i have met his kids and mom and brother. but he only kissed me once in 3 years and on top what is very confusing is he put me on a lease to where he is moving just in case something happens where i have to move. but he still says we are only friends and thats not going to change.. i asked him if he still has other friends he sleeps with and he said yes but parked thecar and got out to go into a store we used to have sex alot and he knows that he is the only one i been sleeping with for 3 yer years. and know he dont want to have sex with me he just wants to lay togather but me i know if a man id is not sleeeping with you he is defiantly sleeping with someone. so why would he go thri through the trouble of putting me on a lease knowing i can come to his place anytime for doing that but only wants friendship?
Please leave this awful, selfish man. He wants your affection while he goes out and does whatever else he wants with whom he wants, whilst giving you nothing. A kiss in 3 years? Is that all you are worth to youself? Really? And because you love him you're LETTING him treat you badly. Terribly. Imagine if your own friend described this situation. What would you tell her? Now, take a look at yourself in the mirror. You're an amazing, beautiful and caring woman who deserves to have EVERYTHING she wants in life. You are wasting your best self on a man who doesn't deserve you. Let him go, cut the cord, it will be hard at first but when you do you will feel so much better. Big hugs. J
I worry that putting you on the lease means you also could be financially liable for the rent if he doesn’t pay it or breaks the lease?
WTF? (In the best way possible!) Did you write this post as though you knew EXACTLY what to say to me??! I felt a tingling sensation down my spine knowing this is just what I've needed to hear. What a powerful, life changing post!
I've never believed in mere coincidences, Jamie. You've reminded me of this once more and I'm so grateful that you found your way here to exactly the piece that was meant for you. I am so excited for you! ❤
This really does resonate with me.
I’ve been with a guy now for 14 years and we’re back in the same position we were when we met - he’s got his own flat and I’ve got mine.
The relationships been on and off more times than I can remember over the years. He did move in with me at one point years ago and when we would split (almost always due to his cheating on me) he would walk out and stay at his mums. She has passed on now and last year he rented a flat without telling me and then moved out. He was seeing someone else during this time - someone he met around the same time as myself 14 years ago and keeps regular contact with throughout.
We got back together last December, he stays with me but doesn’t contribute towards bills, and refused to give up his flat and move in properly, when I set him an ultimatum.
He also didn’t take any time off when I was on holiday from work which really upset me, then said it was because he couldn’t afford to go on holiday, I would have been happy with just a day or two away but no.
I think he’s seeing someone when I’m at work but when I raise the subject he categorically denies it and says I am mentally abusing him and that’s why he can’t give up his flat.
I feel so stuck in a rut but I know if we split I will miss him terribly and be miserable !
I have zero tolerance for things that are important to me. If the guy leave me hanging on texting, or cancel on me or is always too busy to see me or talk to me, i just walk away. I’m very attentive and considerate to everyone and I expect the same back.
It’s crystal clear In my mind how I want to be treated and I know for a fact I won’t settle for less, I’m better off by myself than being in a unhappy relationship. I’ve been there many times and I know what insecurity, anxiety feels like. No more of that!
I’ve learned how to see the red flags and walk away right away without any pain. I just loose interest because I know I deserve better. So I’m very proud of where I am now and how I stand up for myself. But still all I keep attracting are a-holes, one after another. They come and go as I don’t waste my time anymore trying to make things work, but they kept coming and that’s very discouraging.
Every time it happens i just feel I’ll never find the right one. My heart is getting colder and colder and I’m starting to not believe in anyone. So even though I have a high self esteem snd don’t take cedo from anyone, things don’t change, I keep attracting only the same kind of man. What can I do to change that?
It sounds like you are doing great and now just need to finetune everything. Where are you meeting these guys? What typically attracts your eye?
I met better guys once I chose to only put myself on online dating websites that didn’t even have a hook up or casual sex option (I went with faith-based website, but also didn’t assume everyone on there would be legit; I looked at our emails with a critical eye; but websites for people with certain common interests may work as well). I also stopped looking at bars and clubs (I realized I didn’t want a husband who still did that with friends). I started to volunteer more, frequent a coffee place at a regular time, and looked around more for things /events/groups that reflected my interests. I also focused on becoming the kind of person I wanted my husband to be (more patient, kinder, more trustworthy). I read this website as well as some books and slowly the type of guy that I thought was super hot and sexy changed.
Now that you’ve set some awesome boundaries and can stick with them and can also recognize the problem guys early on, it sounds like you are ready to take this journey a few steps further. Your guy IS out there!!
Thank you Jane. I know it's completely true especially the he may decide tomorrow bit.
I ended it recently I don't think I meant to consciously but he asked me to take the next step by staying over for the first time then went out with his friend instead.
He then started getting a bit distant and mentioning his ex even more. There is no contact with her whatsoever and she left him.
When I asked what was wrong he said he couldn't give me the relationship I wanted but to carry on and see what happens we had already taken it slow at his request mainly seeing each other one day over the weekend or another day too if it suited him the rest of contact was by whatsapp , and the ex got mentioned more and more so I suggested we end and he agreed.
So why do I still feel it was my fault and had we continued he would eventually get over her.and I would end up with the lovely man I had glimpsed sometimes.
I just don't seem to be able to get past why didn't I just stick it a bit longer we might have got there or am I living in hope?
It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least i didnt know if i was coming or going most of the time either full on or not at all lots of future promises made but never happened.
A bit of me says to have more respect for myself and that I did the right thing but the other that i was stupid to end it I'm so confused .
yes. he hold on to me. We communicated a lot through music, he followed me on spotify asked for the playlist I made him that he had unfollowed. He did unfriend me on FB and I told him I was a good person and a great friend and he knew it, if he wanted that in his life he could re-friend me. I wasn't going to do it this time (yes he did it once before- it only every lasts a few days and he is back) I stopped contacting him. He started sending lots of emails after he found out I was chatting to other guys. He spent a whole night with me listening to music and chatting over Skype (he is long distance) He has admitted that our connection was amazing and he feels a lot for me, but he is healing from an abusive relationship and can't give me what I deserve. (so he is still believing the horrid things she said about him) Recently I have noticed he is drinking heavily and that takes him back to her- he gets angry at the years lost but also has moments where he is a bit obsessive over her. Negative circles. He will be trying to find out what is happening in her life, while telling me he is repulsed by her. He just can't seem to heal. Then he pulls away, I will get a sorry I am not around I am fighting to keep my head above water and keep my job. He keeps me on his messenger, and on Skype and email. Just not facebook. I think seeing me so often was too much for him. I don't know. We had the most amazing connection we connected in a variety of ways, we both felt at peace with each other when we spoke, He would wake up at 2 am and tell me to check my blood sugars something was wrong- I wasn't ok and he would be right. We would say the exact same thing at the exact same time. He told me he never knew his whole life a love like mine or a woman like me. So why is he blocking it? I know with abusive relationships it is very hard to let go and move on. I have been there twice. I have totally moved forward with my life, hiking, walking, running, working out both at home and at the gym. Iknow he is curious but he doesn't often make space for me rather it seems to be from me. He tends to push love away, he always has, he was neglected as a child. But he was not long ago totally addicted to me. A couple days ago he sent a message and part of it said he was struggling to keep his head above water and keep his job and that I had done absolutely nothing wrong. He said he might not be around much but hoped that I would be. I didn't really understand that. ANyway I have said enough. I am just confused I love him a lot. I dated him when I was 16 and we really connected then. Iam 49 now and have never felt a love like ours my whole life.
I've got a couple of typo's in my post- repeated the word "Was" twice, and
spelled the word article incorrectly, but the post stays the same--- there are so many women who can find the right man- they do exist- I didn't go looking for a dog, but the warning signs were there- he was constantly bad mouthing his exwife, even now since she alledgedly has cancer, bad mouthed under the table housekeeper he said he was trying to get rid of ( but really never was- he still lived with her) asked what it would take for him to not hate his exwife- guess it took his youngest get hooked on drugs-- so why oh why is I want to be with him-- because while he was only in lust and in search of a quick hook up and conquest, he was the "L" word to me but then he said the kiss of death words : I love you but am not "In love" with you. translation- look I'm trying to end it with you now. He wasn't even that good looking. He ws a smooth talker, happened to be a retired Marine Officer- but was from 3 different jobs- CHP, BofA nad food delivery co.---------------The one sided fantasy and nightmare is over.
Onward and upward- time to earn a Masters degree and become my own prince and princess charming and retirement plan.
I want to say thank you for emaiing this to me- I kept trying to keep myself virtuous, meaning no sex without commitment, said that I didn't want to do anything till after August 2019- he, AF, insisted on now, I caved. He got what he wanted, dumped me and went back to the person he said he was trying to get rid of- yet all her stuff was still in his apartment- he never intended to get rid of her. He was was retired Marine who offered the sun the moon and stars- had the nerve to say I was inconsistent.
Devon Franklin's The Truth about Men says that men are obsessed with Lust and conquest and sometimes women become colateral damage in that pursuit. It's been a hard road for the last 4 months but I'm trying to forgive myself, and him- been sad couldn't eat. He kept stepping on my feet but I discovered it was he who didn't know how to dance not I. I took up dancing lost 25 lb so far. will be in a showcase in Sept 2019. Still llooking for Mr. Right though- don't want anymore fake playa's-
Thank you for sending me the artifcle to live my life- need to, want to- because he didn't care- he ghosted me-- very, very cruel and hateful- especially when he said he cared-- Yah right-- though I forgive him- I have to forgive myself more-- I hope that what comes around goes back around so he knows what it feels like too.
Discover your passions, follow your dreams, find those things that awaken your own soul. Fill your own cup so full of all the love and life from so many different places so that what he does or doesn't do no longer matters to you.
He’s going to do what he chooses to do regardless of what you do or don’t do. So make your own life for yourself just like he’s doing.
You've got everything he’s got, no matter how much you don’t realize this now.
You really do.
Love,
Jane
I just read the email about why he treats you the way he does.
Wow did I need to read that today.
For the past 10 months I have been casually dating this guy, let’s call him Adam. I had just gotten out of a 6 year long, very unhealthy relationship and was not looking for anything serious. However Adam and I started going on dates and before I knew it I was falling for him. We have so much in common, got along great, never had any real fights, things seemed perfect. After 4 months I approached the what are we question. Adam told me he was not ready for a serious relationship at this time but he liked me a lot and wanted to continue how things are. He told me he wouldn’t date anyone else while we were talking but I could go on dates if I wanted because he didn’t want to hold me back. I was so confused. I tried to take a step back and started dating other guys, but I compared all of them to him and eventually he and I fell back into our rhythm. I convinced myself if I was patient he would change his mind. Well a few weeks ago he told me he loved me while we were having sex. I was shocked and when I brought it up after wondering if it was heat of the moment or if he meant it, he said he meant it and he does love me. More confusion. I finally got fed up and told him if he loves me then we should be official, it doesn’t make sense to live in this in between. I finally gave him an ultimatum to either make things official or I was going to walk. He refused to budge so I walked away, and asked him not to contact me. He said that would be hard because I’m an important part of his life and he still wants us to be friends. I reiterated not to contact me. It’s been 3 days and the first night he sent me an article on Instagram, did the same thing the second day, third day he texted me in the morning saying he had been thinking about me and hoped I had a great day, I didn’t respond at first and then he sent me 2 articles on fb. I responded to his text that night just saying thanks. I don’t understand why he continues to reach out when I asked him not to. I’m extremely upset and hurt by the entire situation. It breaks my heart that he wasn’t willing to put a label on what we were yet claims to love me. And why he would continue to reach out after I left. I am trying to continue to remind myself that I deserve better but it’s hard to believe sometimes.
Look at why it's so hard to believe you deserve better, Kassy. Then break that down into your underlying programming and hidden beliefs that are supporting your mindset that keeps telling you otherwise. He reaches out because he can. If you close that door, he can't. Always remember your own power in this. When you know who you are, when you know what you deserve, when you can see your programming and where it comes from that keeps telling you otherwise, you'll refuse to settle for anything less!
Sadly that’s the dating world we live in now.. date for so long, you fall in love and that keep you dangling.. just in case something better comes along... we’re dumb enough to think he will change suddenly realize what he has.. they don’t. Some trashy girl always comes around and they use her until the next one. They live for that thrill of the new girl and their relationships last 3-6 months until he’s bored again. No thx! I would rather live alone than feel alone in a relationship. It’s bullshit and karma will one day return the favor. Peace out!
ugh, the guy who was all for it showing you he was interested in a relationship. but somewhere down the line, he freaked out. why do people who say they want a relationship when they kind of know inside that they dont truly want one.
I know, right? Like, please don't waste my time!!! Somehow, the guy I just ended with, at first I felt like I am the crazy one, and he kept telling me that I want more than he can give....well, then quit dangling carrots in my face, talking about "us", blah blah blah if you aren't serious! This is not the first commitment phobe I have had, and they are all the same. Just another run of the mill. So, these guys are easy to get over because I realize I did everything I could within my parameters; I didn't do anything crazy, nothing psycho....but when he forgot my birthday (likely on purpose so that I had to do the dirty work and dump his ass) TWO YEARS IN A ROW, he was just begging for me to discover that he has commitment issues and to twist it to my fault.
This is so far the best article I read about this topic and nothing could have been more helpful to me now!
It started off great but his past was catching up with him - out of fear he suddenly returned to drugs, even more alcohol and to his ex of a 2 months "relationship" who treated him really badly (and the whole thing was 2 years ago!!!!)
He chose fear over love, I didn't push him, had all the right boundaries, he did everything for me - and that suddenly stopped, and me then demanding what I want it became clear that he wasn't able or ready to actually give it to me. He was even "confused" about it himself ...
Ladies, it's really about us living our happiest life and the right guys will come if you start listening to your gut feeling and stop compromising on what you seriously do not want - being stringed along.
I was so hopeful in my last relationship. We talked about marriage. Neither of us are young. That went on 4 years. Never again.
I can’t believe that s**t guy. What a waste of time. I never met a guy who was more duplicitous.
I never did anything to hurt him and now I sincerely wish I had trash talked him to everyone in sight - because that is what he accused me of. I did not do that. I only offered him love and support.
This is a typical case of a cowardly man who leads a woman on then cuts and runs - blaming her for why things did not work out. COWARD. I am sure he is with some other woman now, lamenting how “horrible” I was.
I do believe we teach them how to treat us. These guys are extremely SLOW learners, if at all.
Personally I am not interested in another “project” guy. If he needs to be “taught” how to treat me at this point in life, he is not worth the bother for me.
If he cannot not find his way to a very nice restaurant, super nice dating spots, a flower stand and the Cartier engagement ring counter in short order, not a minute more will I waste.
Jane, I do not know if you could write a book, but I certainly could. I also have 4 brothers, 3 divorced. All the women got dumped but at least walked away with cash. They had marriages of over 20 years. My sister is married to a generous man who is “invested”. Heavily. The other brother also heavily invested with the wife. Both have decades of marriage between them.
In truth, the name of the game is investment. Like investment of cash. Many women think this is a gold digger concept. It’s not. It’s a “truth” concept. If the guy does not put his money where he mouth is, he is not “invested”
and will not commit. As soon as he starts laying out some serious cash - that is when he invests. It is very simple.
Look around. All the women with a big ring on their finger have a man. The guy who does not want to take the leap will not buy the ring. He will not invest in the relationship or in you. He will never commit.
The truth of your article is you do teach them how to treat you. Many “modern” men like to take a free ride. No real investment.
Even a guy who is not a millionaire will go to a store and buy a ring, propose and marry if he really wants to invest in you and the relationship. They are the type that truly value you, the concept of commitment and are not afraid to back up their “sweet nothings” with their hard earned money.
It is not a materialistic concept. It is an example of the reality of what a man will do if he is seriously interested.
As a partner I am extremely supportive, generous and trustworthy. So if he cannot show up bearing expressions of his good intentions, then he does not get trust, support or generosity from me. That is how to deal yourself the hand you want. It is not the other way around - give and give and hope he reciprocates. ONLY give if he gives.
Remember, you are dealing with a man, not a toddler. The person is supposed to be a mature adult. He probably knows what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months we knew each other for a year before we started dating , he used to be so kind n caring but now he just acts like a huge jerk n he's mean to me whenever we argue and he never takes my feelings into account . I asked to meet his family n he refused , I asked to meet his friends and he refused he often treats me like dirt when things don't go his way or when I try to talk to him about some thing bothering me in the relationship , he says he loves me n can't live without me but lately he is distant , cold n doesn't really care about me ... what should i do , I really love him n want a future with him but I don't want to be treated like this anymore .
You're really asking us to tell you what to do? Read your post and this time pretend this wasn't you. This was somebody else. What does she have to do?
Don't lie to yourself. You know exactly what you have to do. Ask yourself instead: "why am I holding onto someone who treats me" like dirt"? Why do I find someone like that so alluring? What am I projecting onto this person? What does he represent to me? Who does he remind me of?"
This person is not good for you nor anyone. No self-loving person would even tolerate someone like this. Why are you selling yourself short thinking you're not worthy of a heck of a lot more than this?
Figure that part out and cut this person out of your life. He doesn't do you any good. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
Another thing: many people know how to lie and use nice words, but it's in the actions that you truly know what they're about. He says he loves you and can't live without you, yet doesn't care about your feelings at all. Is that how you define love?
Consistency is a key for you to even consider being with someone. I hope you truly look into these questions and find honesty within yourself to realize you don't need this and that you are worth so much more than this. Good luck.
Thank you for this!! Way to go for making me feel empowered while my heart is shattering in slow motion. When I first met my boyfriend 7 months ago, I was deeply depressed, drinking, and suffering from psychogenic seizures. (Seizures that are caused by emotional stress and not biologically caused.) As we got together, I was falling hard, I was wildly happy, and my seizures subsided. I felt like he saved me. He was truly a light in a dark place. As time went on I became aware that something was off, that he was controlling and emotionally abusive. He treats me more of a sex object. I later found texts on his phone to his ex gf (who is 19, he's 31, and they saw each other for like 3 weeks) and flipped a shit. He was being awkward, distant, disrespectful, and made me feel inadequate and so, so small. I started to feel fearful and nervous and our sex life suffered so tremendously that a few days ago, he said that we should see other people. We live together. All my emotions are invalidated. I feel like I should just be grateful and try harder, but it feels like shit loving someone and being disrespected by him all the time.. what did I even do to him? After all he's done for me, I worship the ground he walks upon. I convinced him to not give up. It would be easier if he just dumped me and put me out of my misery, but I still feel like I could MARRY him cause I love him so. Its like my self esteem is second to how much I love him. Or that I'm really losing it for thinking that.
Get therapy to work though this issue. He isn't the reason you got better, how you felt was. You felt good about you when you were in the throes of a new relationship. It's natural. Now he treats you like dirt and you still think he's going to save you? Only you can do that, my friend. So do it, for yourself, because you'll regret it if you don't, which is exactly why you are writing here. The first step is to realise you're a whole human who can cope without a selfish s*** in your life. Take courage. Xo
Hi,
this was exactly him.
" who doesn't know what to do with the fact that you've now fallen for him after he gave you every reason to believe that’s exactly what he wanted too, even if he didn't realize that’s what he was doing"
Can you explain what does it mean that he didn't realize that's what he was doing? Does that mean he actually never liked/wanted me in that way, that's just simply how he treats every girl. And it was just me misunderstood him? Or does it mean he didn't know he felt that way toward me and got scared away when he realized it?
For Jane: you never answered "stillwondering" and it's a really good question that pertains to me as well and an answer might be helpful.
Most men (and some women, too) follow a society prescribed script. Many men subconsciously act out the "pursue her and win her over" script. They just do it intuitively almost because it's what they've been told men do: you like a woman, you pursue her and win her over. The problem is that life and people are far more complex than that and they haven't been told what happens after. Most men never fully understand that that is a script not who they truly are. Most are not introspective enough to really think before they pursue. Is this a woman I can actually be compatible with? Does she want the same things out of life as I do? Can I fully commit to a real relationship? What is a real relationship? Do I understand what emotions are? Do I understand and know how to channel my own emotions productively? And on and on with the hard questions. Instead, they pursue and get lost in the game, but when the woman "falls", they simply don't know what's next. They don't know what they even got into and why. So they retreat and leave the woman utterly confused. It's not personal. They simply do not realize what they're doing many times. That's what Jane means. It doesn't matter what the man's issues are. What matters is what we do and how we move through the world. It doesn't matter if he really liked you or not, if he liked what you did or not. What matters is that he showed you he's incapable of meeting you in the endeavor.
Exactly, Angel. You know me well!
Might be the absolute BEST article I ever read on this topic!! All the other articles always say "people treat you how you let them" which makes me feel worse about myself for allowing him to treat me less and it doesn't empower me at all. This article empowers me to be better and to do better for myself!! I've tried to end things with him twice and both times he promised to be better and begged me not to leave but he has not changed at all. He is not ready to make a decision about me and to give himself to me emotionally but he also does not want me to go. I started to think that he doesn't care about me at all but I notice that his inability to show his affection is rooted in his inability to make a decision. I know that he knows that I'm a great catch. That's why he wants me to stay and that's why when I start to slip away and not pay him any attention he goes full throttle to get my attention back. But I know he's keeping me on ice for when he is able to really make a firm decision. It's because of his ex girlfriend, he can't figure out if he wants to be with her or me. I finally got the courage to date other men once I realize things were getting worse between us. I met two guys, one guy I really like. The other guy was moving things too fast for me (wanting to talk daily and hang out weekly) and since I'm still very emotionally invested in my guy, I had to cut him off because I'm not ready for that level of dating. But the other guy I like, he's moving slower which works for me and where I am emotionally. He's really cute and we like the same things. He's slowly helping me detach from my guy. I'm not ready to sleep with anyone new but I just need to slowly be pulled away so that I can open myself to a man who is ready for me completely. I feel sorry that my guy can't love me because I truly believe that we'd have some thing special if he gave me a real chance. Him and his ex are always breaking up and have lots of issues and he's ruining a perfectly good opportunity to start over with someone new that he actually likes. But what ever! Day by day, im getting stronger and moving on is getting easier.
So glad this helped, Ashleigh. "I feel sorry that my guy can't love me because I truly believe that we'd have some thing special if he gave me a real chance." - Exactly. Feel everything here. You know it would be if it could be and you're absolutely right about that. But that part is his to change, not yours.
Wow OMG! this really awakened me, it's as if I'm reading my own life story, thank you so much for opening my eyes and making me realise what I've been trying to ignore. I will do just as u said, and I'm so relieved after reading this article, I never came across something as accurate and realistic as this. THANK YOU!
So glad this showed you the way with such clarity, Zineb. Thank you! 🙂
Hi Jane I came across your site and I really needed to at this time so thankyou...I've been with this guy for five months he came out of a volatile relationship and we fell in love so fast I'm happy when I'm with him...he said he's never been happier we barely spend time together because he is always busy and I have recently been getting upset about this because I miss him...now he has suddenly said he dosent know what's wrong with him but he's not sure if he can do a relationship right now but loves me and dosent want to lose me...I'm shattered he has stopped contacting me and says he will call in a few days he needs to have space (I give him all the space in the world) I've had enough of feeling like this but I love him....I want to walk away like he has and repair my damaged heart xx
Welcome, Ange. I'm so glad you've found something here for you. "But I love him" - that's the most difficult part of this. If we didn't love like we do, it would be easy. That's telling you something, though. Can you love him on his terms? That's what he's asking for. If you can, it would be easy. If you can't, then that's showing you the way to repairing your beautiful heart. We can't live in places we don't really want to be. We can only convince ourselves we can for just so long before we come face to face with the truth - our truth. Find the choice here, find where you get to choose. The way back is through your heart as a powerful guide. We've got to learn to trust it - and that means trusting that what we feel is real - before we can move forward. He is happy with you - but clearly only on his terms!
This is exactly what I've been needing to see. This is exactly how I feel in the situation I am in. How do you cut the cord though?! I love being around him, how do you take that step away??
Change how you see yourself, Claire - and set your boundaries around how you allow someone to see you - and everything else will fall into place. That's the first step!
Hi Claire this is exactly where I'm at I really need to know how to start moving on without him and be happy with me x
Thank you ladies for all your comments. I read them often. I am 3 weeks no contact. I took a stand after 2 years of being used. I kept thinking that the next time would be better , then the next. Blah blah brffff. I told him I disliked how unaffectionate he was . That it made me feel bad. Although he was a good lover,it lacked affection &romance. I felt like a whore. Also told him that I cannot be a booty call. I need more , so I am leaving this non relationship.
I haven't heard from him since.
Although we had this dance in some capacity before , I think this time I hurt his ego. Oh and I told him I can't find a reason to continue having meaningless sex. He got a little insulted about that. But I feel he deserves it. "He took me so low". "Where only fools go" It hurts to finally see the real man. Actually makes me feel like an idiot and sick to my stomach. I still think of him and wonder if he will use his weak communication to contact me . (Text). Pretty pathetic behavior just to get sex. Wow. Theses guys must be exhausted having to play tbis game all the time.
Well I am off the crazy train. Feeling better already , knowing that he can't use me anymore. The selfish piece of@#$€. Stay strong girls, i feel impowered by dumping his arrogant ass!!!!!
Dear Jane,
No women "Google's" expecting to find the words they are too tongue tied to say. Your article, word by word lifted a weight from my shoulders. All the things I have been trying to express, a man that I know loves me but has no idea how or if he wants to commit. For me this is a mam who has chased me for the 10 yrs and after finally gaining my love isn't sure he is ready to settle down.
Thank you so much for your words! The words that were locked inside my head until I read your article. None of this gossip colum nonsense but actual 'slap in the face' truth. I now understand it's up to me to keep going and if he is serious he will catch up.. again. Maybe for good - but if not, no hanging around waiting! Xxx
You've got this, Greatful. Catch up he will - but only if he's truly right for you! So glad you found your way to this corner of the web, to what you needed to hear. You're so very welcome!
I have been with my current boyfriend for just about 4 years and we have never really been on the same page. I have been feeling like letting the relationship go for a few months now because we just don't seem to want the same things. He's a wonderful guy and actually treats me well, but my needs just aren't being met and at this point in my life and our relationship, I would like to think about getting married and having a family. The other night when I brought it up to him he said, verbatim, "I think I want those things, I just don't know when." And it really hit me. Now I read this article and it made everything so much clearer to me. He loves me and he wants me around but he's not willing or ready to give me the commitment that I need. And that's okay, but I owe myself the opportunity to find things and relationships that are truly fulfilling. Thank you so much for posting this.
Exactly, Cassie. You do! So glad this resonated with you!
This is exactly what I'm faced with, except we have been together 3 years. I'm just drawing this out, I dint know why it's so hard to just walk....I have exhausted ever opportunity, every different way of communicating my feelings and needs and also how its not just about mine, but his too. When I bring up how emotionally unavailable and distant he is, and how it makes me feel, he tries to distract me from holding himself accountable and starts to bring up every little thing I may have done in 3 years, and then it turns into me defending myself and ultimately apologizing. This is madness! I know that this is all my fault, that I have set the bar for how he treats me. I think " howbhard is it to leave when he sits there and acts like it came from nowhere?" Lime he's stunned and thinks that I just don't love him and don't want him or want someone else. The millions of words spoken, written and typed do not mean a thing to him and have not reached him at all. Which is my point! I feel unimportant, unloved, undesired.... We are separated, meaning living separately. But of course I had to go back and visit and stay a night or two, and still when I'm gone, I find myelf fighting to explain myself and make him understand where I'm coming from! I am an idiot with no back bone. I want to tell him what I need and deserve but I just don't know what to say. He always seems to have something to say, or a way to flip the conversation or direct it elsewhere. I really love your writings! It's like your inside my mind!! I know I'm about a year and a half late and I don't even know if you check this anymore, but hopefully you do!!
Never too late, Teresa. Don't be so hard on yourself. You want to change him, to change this, and that's why you do what you do. Know that it doesn't matter what you say, he's not able to hear your words. He'll hear your actions. He'll hear you loving yourself, choosing yourself first and living what you want to see, not what you want to see him do differently. Bring this back to you, and make it about what you want and need instead of him. Put it on him and you'll only be disappointed again and again.
hi im 27 & iv bn dating ths guy 6 yrs younger thn me, we started as frnds & we'v bn datin 4 2 mnths nw.He jst decided on stonewalling out of th blue, I decided nt 2 talk 2 him coz I really dnt knw whts got into him, but it really kills me inside since thn we livin in th same neighbourhood more especially whn I bump into him.I talkd 2 his brother n he said he's sad coz he saw me wth my ex,& he gts jelous! how do I fix ths coz I really luv him so much n jst want thngs 2 get back 2 normal
I meant NOT ALLOW !?
You took the words directly out of my mouth.. Everything that you said just so happens to be my current situation exactly EXCEPT we have two kids together. An honestly I feel that this guy is my soul mate... I have much respect for myself to allow wrong doings.. We've been together for 7 years... I know that he loves me wholeheartedly.. But both of our communication's are messed up and we both have trust issues and he's controlling and has mentally abused me so NOW im just adjusting mylife to be focused on me and the kids it's better off that way because I have two girls and I don't want them to EVER be a victim of what I'm subject to I want them to have a broader mind that they deserve WAY BETTER
Apparently my heart and mind is not ready to receive this..I didn't understand. .smh. but the title got me to read the article. I will try to read this again later. .thanks again
Hi Jane thankyou so much for this wonderful article, i must say u are always on point, it came at the right time when i really needed a reminder on how to love and apreciate myself first without looking for love elsewhere. i am in a journey of self love, self improvement and so i decided that my goal this year is to be single and focus on myself, reason being is that i always find myself being too clingy and too dependant, i really wanna learn how to focus on me without waiting for someone else to define me. however though i sometimes find myself feeling lonely and tempted to call the person that i know i am not supposed to call, i need to advice on how to handle all of this without feeling the pressure that everyone else around is in steady relationships, it`s really not easy at all, the only thing i want right now is to live my life with no regrets so that when that person comes i`ll be in the right state of mind and being able to share my life with Him. i must say that i believe that through your insipiring articles i will be able to pull this one through. you are the best Jane
FABULOUS LOLLY!!! I am on that same Journey, loving and improving myself. Living with no regrets.
way to BRD lets do this, nothing is impossible...all the best to us!!
meant to say way to GO!!
You're getting all this so beautifully, Lolly. Keep focusing on you, on the beautiful woman you are, on all that you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, and fill your life of all the beautiful things that make this all clear to you and remind you on a daily basis of why you have worth, of what you can do, of all that makes you uniquely you, and of all the wonderful qualities and gifts that you have. When your life reflects all these things that you are, you don't need to get your validation elsewhere by having someone choose you. You'll come to the relationship as equals because you both choose each other. When you live your life like this, it helps you to remember that you're the one doing the choosing, and you want nothing less than someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing as you do, and is truly compatible with you!
Thank You for your posts, they are very interesting and insightful to read. I learn a lot and I try to put into practice whatever I have learned from your articles. Thank You once again for sharing this knowledge with us.
Amanda
You're so welcome, Amanda; one step a time, one new way of thinking, one new way of seeing something that we didn't see before. That's how we all get there!
I am/was now dealing with a similar situation. There is this guy that was introduced to me through a friend and it progress to a situation I couldn’t understand how it happened. He tried all his best to get to know me but he did it in the wrong ways possible. It must have been really hard on him because all I did was avoid the cause and effect. (I was really oblivious from the beginning I mean can you blame a girl for not knowing at all?) I was placed in a spot where I didn’t know how to express my own feelings, and I like keeping them to myself which made me realize now was the worst thing I could have done. He told me that he likes me and we see each other since we lived together then. I started to have a crush on him which grew into a likeness of him. But I had to keep it to myself, I had to really think for myself if I really like this person or not. When he kissed me the first time, it wasn’t like the butterflies and sparks, I didn’t feel any of those, but the second kiss what when I realized that what I felt shaking, cold, sweat, and the feeling in my chest and stomach. Those were the “sparks” people meant. I was happy and so scared at the same time. We would argue because sometimes it was just miscommunications, and this one friend said our personality’s just clashes together. I believed that comment. I was rushed, he wanted to rush the “getting to me first” but I kept saying “time is essence” or which I thought it was. I finally gave in and decided to give myself a chance, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But he would try to test me if I would really love him, he showed his worst side of himself, he was so rude, so mean, and he would curse me. I cried a lot. I was so emotional. I wouldn’t communicate. But I must admit I did hurt him to, I was also mean, I decided not to communicate when he tried all his way to. He said he wanted to rush things. I wanted to take it slow. It scared me! I like this guy and I had to ask my girl-friends advices but they just tell me he is using me or he is a player they gave me bad advices and I listened to those bad advices. I finally was able to tell my mother about it and we grew into a bond. My mom saw it, she knew that sparkle in my eye she knew it all. I loved him. When he said mean things to me I knew he didn’t mean them he just didn’t know how to express them towards me, he tried to apologize many times but I was just hurt. I hurt myself too by not giving myself a chance to love. It became to a point I wanted to know if this guy is a player or does he really love me. He would trespass in the garden, climb the stairs to yard gate, and stand on my roof just to wait for me. I know it is CRAZY! That he showed it. I was scared. When he left because of a problem I didn’t think it was that serious so I thought it was just another of his stupid excuses and when I was told he is gone. That is when I realized I couldn’t stand being alone, the loneliness of him not being with me. When I tried avoiding him for 3 weeks I really wanted to see him so bad but my friends locked me in their house and told me not to leave. (crazy friends, either they don’t want me to be hurt or don’t want me to be happy) I loved him so much, I thought the best way was to let go of him. And now that I cannot see him, I thought I would be good and can let go. But I realized I can’t. and when talked again I told him on the phone that I miss him so much like crazy, and I even admit I was sorry for everything, I just want him back, back to me and this time I wont shut myself out. But as I was saying this, I saw his face through the screen – it was just cold, empty glass, his eyes looked bored and dead. I cried. I kept telling him repeatedly I was sorry and I want him back, he scared me so much that i was scared to love him that he would leave me. we do communicate but he isn’t in my town anymore. I fear is that he will forget me. I just never experienced what love really is, and when I finally realized I really loved him and I cant get him back. He said not worry and he will see me again. I don’t know what to do, I screwed up, I lost the chance! Help me recover this pain. I never felt this before, and he was my first boyfriend. My friend and he too admit it wasn’t my fault. I am trying to do something else rather staying home. But can I still hope to see him still? We made up again but it was online and long distances phone calls. Will he give up on me?
Don't beat yourself up like this, Sky. You can't lose your chance with someone who is right for you. Real love isn't about just the sparks and the chemistry. You were wise to want to take it slow, to find out what was really there, to slow him down so that you could know what you were getting yourself into. Someone who is on your page will understand this even if they want to speed things up; they will respect you for doing this.
Love is never this complicated, Sky. Love is about talking lovingly to each other, not cursing, not being rude, not hurting each other. That's called drama and we only create it and respond to it, and accept it, when we have our own issues to work out. Give yourself some time to see all this for what is - for what it was - and you'll come to see this more clearly too. You only want someone who wants to be with you, too. You only want someone who treats you like someone who's loved. If it's him, you'll know because he'll be willing to do what it takes to make this work and so will you. Accept the reality of what is, and not the fantasy of what we so want to believe, and you'll find your way through this. Trust yourself, you knew.
Hi Jane!
Thanks for replying I really appreciate the effort. I really like reading your articles and it made me realize a few things.
I found out a few things that went wrong with this relationship; was that I was dwelling int he past, the mistakes, the way it ended the way things should have and etc. I know its not good to dwell looking back to the "what ifs to memory down hill lane" it is not healthy. But looking at him he was repeating everything he said he would not do. One wrong word I say he gets angry and tells me to "It's done, don't contact me anymore, you never change! (and when I ask him what it is, he gets angry and tells me that I am too stupid to know what it is that I need to change, so he tells me that "U dont know how to change." - ) I tried to make the situations better and calmer but it wont work. The more I say things the more things he adds and contradicts about it. Saying that "I am not good enough" and "I think way too different than he does". I am learning, but he only likes to look down on the bad things he sees on me. If I mention them, its like a 10 balloons being pop at once. It came to the point we fought and then when he told me to let go of him because "his feelings towards me are nothing more than the "YOU & I are nothing, we have nothing at all" . That hit the spot. that crossed my lines to thinking he just played around with me. My friends are saying he is just a poor drama guy who is living in a fantasy land called "egoistic". I tried to make him stop saying them, stop it. But he kept going for it. So I just say what comes to mind. I cannot see him, his reaction, hug him. We just email each other and our words speak louder than our actions since we can't see our facial expressions. He said "If u love me wait for me" . I didnt know what to think so I typed down something wrong again which lead me into another set of drama! I regret that.It came to the point where all I see is "negativity" in what he sees in me. He tells me that he doesn't care what I did to him when I hurt him. But the problem was it shows it is. If you don't care don't bring it up right? He asked me to get married. I find it a bit rushed. Yes I love him. & I don't know about him. loving me. I want to say yes. But that's a big value a commitment. I don't know now.
whoa i thought i was the only Sky here! I'll go by Sky11 from now on to avoid confusion 🙂
Jane's advice is good. Also, it really sounds like you two were on two different pages. Him trying to rush you is aa bad sign. and even though you had strong feelings doesnt mean it was right. Try to list the things you think you did wrong. Thinks you mentioned above, like being mean, not communicating, etc, and then when you find yourself doing that in your next relationship, you can work on improving those behaviors!
The sad thing Connie is they will come back. The question is will you be there wondering and waiting, or will you go on with your life and find happiness within yourself. No one has the right to make you unhappy. You can be in control of your feelings at all times if you choose to. Happiness is a choice. There are good things happening all around you. Pay attention to those things and choose to be happy.
"Happiness is a choice." - Thank you for this reminder, Carolyn. Because no matter how much we long to be happy with someone, when we make anyone else responsible for our own happiness, we give away our very power to choose the one thing that is always in our control.
This was a good read and so my life right now
Why is it that people that aren't very good talking
About there emotions make it so much harder to read I find it so hurtful when
They are in your life so much then just disappear and have no contact
What is that Do they actually know they are doing it and if they do are they hurting you
On purpose or do want to see you
So many reasons, Connie; but the most important reason of all is because they're not on the same page, they're not there even if they like to think they are, or that they might be able to be this time. Most of the time, they don't know, they're simply going with what's comfortable and what's not. There's a lot of things in our backgrounds that determines our comfort levels, and what ultimately matters is if we're willing to push past our comfort zone and where we feel emotionally safe, to take the risk that getting closer brings. We can't understand it because for most of us, it seems so clear. For many of them, it's not. Can we change them? No. Can they change themselves if they want to? Yes.
Jane,
Thank you again for posting such a great article. I found it very insightful and helpful as I navigate through the waters of communication of a newly formed relationship. Your observations were spot on about how I've allowed the minimum behaviors from my date. It just serves to reinforce how our flexibility and acceptance could be mistaken for the treatment we expect. I declare from this point forward that I take ownership and responsibility in allowing how I am to be treated in the future. My situation is very similar to what you've just stated in your article. Being okay with the once a week date in which there's really just 2-3 hours of getting to know each other, but not really delving beneath the surface. Ironically, it's probably this type of behavior that perhaps has lessened my date's attraction to me and I can feel a sense of pulling away. You are so right, Jane. That I need to reassert my boundaries and what I see as acceptable behaviors and perhaps just recognize that this guy is not ready for a relationship. Coming to this realization will get me that much faster on the track to love and building a relationship with a healthy man.
Cheers!
I'm so glad this helped give you clarity, Betty. You're getting this, you're seeing this for yourself. We think it will bring about the desired effect behaving like we do, but as you say, it never does - it can't - because what's always missing is that commitment to ourselves to not settle for less than we deserve. When we finally get this boundary thing down, Betty, it all becomes that much easier. It's this awareness that allows it all to begin!
such a good article! I think a lot of these behaviors stem from our fears of being alone if we leave, or the belief/fear that this is the best we can ever hope to find.
Exactly, Sky. When we peel back the layers of so much of what we do, we discover it's always more about our underlying fears and our belief systems in response to those fears than anything else. When we calm our fears, when we learn to trust our own inner knowing, it all becomes more clear.
So True!!! It's amazing how far deep they can be buried, and how strongly they can affect our behaviors without us ever being aware of them. It's only by digging them out that we can free ourselves of them...
Exactly, Sky11!
I was involved in what I call the "un relationship" (remember the old 7-Up commercials....the un Cola!) for the past 4 years. He helped me through my divorce (I was married for 23 yrs. and it ended because my ex husband is an alcoholic) This was a person I've known for over 30 years -- I truly felt he was the love of my life. We had a final falling out back in November. Once again, it was after things were getting just too close -- he had a tantrum and bolted again. I found the book "Man Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter-- completely explains commitment phobia. I swear it was so spot on I could have written the book myself. For other ladies who are and have suffered through this type of relationship, I can't recommend this book enough. And its written by a man -- so you get even more insight. I never had any idea this type of thing even existed, let alone that there are so many men who have this phobia. Basically, bottom line from the author is that unless you man is getting professional help to guide him in overcoming this fear, things will never change and it will never work. He sites women who have waited decades for men like this. Amazing. But, I can also relate and see how someone could get in the vicious cycle. These are men who do have good qualities and are worthy of love -- they just don't know how to give it back. I have no doubt mine will be back again -- this time I just have to stay strong and remember that I'm worth so much more. Best of luck to everyone. 🙂
I hear you, Mary - and how fitting the use of that term here. I remember those old commercials well. You've brought up one of the first books I stumbled on that finally put so much of what I didn't understand in perspective, Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. One of their other books, What Smart Women Know, can be found in the Resources section of this website and is a great companion read. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us of what it all comes down to - being strong and remembering we're worth so much more than what we all too often settle for!
You must have been seeing through my eyes, feeling with my heart, and agonizing in my mind, when you wrote this article. Nothing I've ever read before comes as close to my situation as these words. Thank you. I am finally empowered to be the woman I know I am again and stand up for myself; even though I love him. I get it now...it's his choice
And thank you for inspiring me with your words, Holly. You've got it; it's his choice and always has been.
It is a story that's true. I still find struggle in showing boundaries .
I sometimes set a boundary and speak about it, but then get this kind of
Feeling that I am maybe to "much".
I so hear what you're saying here, Maris. Boundaries have always been - and still are! - one of the areas I struggle the most with. I have often felt that same feeling of being too much when I set my boundaries now, particularly around people who were used to the old me who was so much easier to be around when I took all my cues from them. But that's the beauty of getting to know yourself and knowing what you deserve and getting clear on what behaviors you are and are not willing to have in your life; you only have to get comfortable with yourself. What anyone else thinks or says about your new boundaries - the new stronger you - doesn't matter. You just have to get comfortable knowing you have every right to stand up for yourself like you are.
In time, it gets easier. You start finding out more about who you want in your life and who you don't by how they respond to you, by what they do with you and how they make you feel. You find out who you want to have limited contact with, and who you can completely be yourself around. And in the process, you find out more of what you want and don't want. And you get closer to finding out who's right for you and who's not.
With practice, it'll get easier, Maris, and you'll stop second-guessing yourself so much wondering if you have the "right" to stand up like this. You do. You always did. We're just learning this a little later down the road. I'm with you, Maris, it's baby steps on this one, too. But once you get it, once you master this one and get that confidence that can only come from you that you are never "too much" for the people that love and support you and only want the best for you, you're there! That's why we struggle so; because when we get this one, we've mastered the toughest one of all! 🙂
What a great article!!
But this has got me thinking why these kind of men do actually chase a women?What is the reason of that if at the end they are not interested in that woman,at least not interested in relationship?Why do they chase when already know they will not commit?
I'm glad you enjoyed this one, Lucy. You've got my next post covered 🙂
Oh My God Jane!! Talk about God and the Universerve hearing my every thought! You summed up in this article EXACTLY what I've been trying to process and going though for (I hate to admit it) the last 5 years with this guy!!
I am sooo incredibly mad at him and at myself for allowing this to happen. He chased me relentlessly, told me all the things I wanted to hear, and despite by better judgement (he's wasn't yet divorced and still isn't! with 3 kids), I gave him a shot, and eventually really fell for him. When I was ready to seriously discuss"us" he avoided all of it, and me being "the good understanding girlfriend" didn't want to push it. Then I started making all these decisions that were moving me further away from him, because thankfully and instictivly I knew it wasen't going anywhere and he was never going to commit. He gave me just "enough" with "scraps" to keep me hanging around never actually wanting me to leave, and I did sort of keep hanging on with the hopes that one day one day he would profess his love for me and so I never strayed far enough for our relationship to become unrepairable with the hope that "one day" would come.
Thankfully, before things got worse, I learned what I would of settled for and have come to see him for the very bad person he is. But I can't even begin to express how mad and angry I am.
Jane, I know I'm still habouring anger and resentment, but I really do want to see this guy get punishment for his behaviour (there's even more to the story and more nasty stuff he did that I don't really want to get into). I'm not acting on it, but I guess I need some assurance that he will pay the price for his conduct-I know that's alot to put on you Jane, but I need to know your thoughts on this. I would really appreciate your help.
Thank you,
Tina
I'm so glad this helped you to process what you're going through, Tina. And I do hear what you're saying. Know that anger is a normal part of this process of letting go, of going through, of grieving what might have been - what could have been - if only he would have been different. It's this anger that can empower you to finally have the courage to take yourself back and finally do what you know we've needed to. But this is for you, Tina, and not for him. As much as you want him to pay, to suffer for what he's done to you, what happens to him is his and not yours to carry.
We always think it will make us to feel better to know they've gotten what they deserve but it only hurts us and keeps us holding on to the past with someone who doesn't deserve to have that much of our time and energy - and thoughts - devoted to them. What's usually hidden in our wish for them to pay, is our own self-loathing for what we feel we should have known, what we should have seen clearly, for what we should have done differently. We want someone to pay to take away that anger we feel at ourselves, when in reality, we would heal ourselves so much more by the very act of forgiving ourselves, for accepting with love that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time, with where we were at on our journey.
Take your time on this one, Tina. It's ok if you can't see that right now. We all come to this in our own time and only when we're ready to see it. In the meantime, it's time to be loving to yourself; it's time to offer yourself forgiveness and to resolve to treat yourself in the most gentle way possible. We all come to this later than we'd like. We all have our regrets along the way. And we all eventually come to see that it's only when we choose to give to ourselves what we're longing for from someone else, that we can truly begin to heal. You're never, ever alone in this.
Thank you so much Jane for your response-I know I was putting alot on you, and you're response was so incredibly eloquent, so thank you again 🙂
You are absolutely correct, I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen especially when there were so many warning signs. I guess I figured I could "handle it" but I know now it's becasue I wasn't being very loving to myself. I no longer want to "handle" anything anymore-just true love from here on in 🙂
Tina
Thank you, Tina; I'm glad you got what I was saying 🙂
Hi Tina,
You are not alone. My ex disappear and left me. I feel the same way wanting him to pay for his actions, wanting to see him get payback for the pain that he cause me, and wanting to see how it feels when someone he trust hurts him. I still have anger that comes and goes , but I guess when you keep holding on to this anger it really does just hurt you. I am a work in progress, but we will get through this together. Best wishes!
I just read your post. I know it's old but can I ask, are you in a better place now? My partner left 4 months ago after 3 years together. Like you he was married. He's a wealthy man but he moved in to my rented home, he had a house of his own he left empty to be with me, he always had a reason for me not to move in. We had some terrific experiences together but there was some bad stuff happened too, 'Scraps' is what he gave me and empty words in relation to his 'divorce' that never even got started. People say he's a good man, I know different but I'm finding it so difficult to move on and forget him. He has never contacted me or my two kids since he left but his daughter contacts me regularly, we had a nice relationship but I'm finding that difficult too. I'm 52 and feel like I've lost the last chance I had of any happiness. I hope you don't mind me contacting you.
Jane,
I cannot believe I found this in my inbox today. Yesterday, I decided I had enough of a roller coaster of a relationship exactly as you had described. I literally have tolerated so much of broken promises and one foot in and out of the door. We were engaged, living together when he decided he needed to go to Brazil to see his family again when I could no longer do everything in the relationship the way he wanted. We still talked it will be 2 years in April about his return and his relationship with my children. I finally decide I matter. He even told me I didn't give him enough space to miss me. I know in my heart I have deserved so much more. My goal is to rebuild my self esteem and find the things that I love and feel fulfilled within myself. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad the timing of this was exactly when you needed it, Colleen. You do matter, no matter how long it takes to see it, you do. Go rebuild your self-esteem and discover the you that's just waiting to be found. There is so much more to come!
Jane: Thank you so much for your direction. I wish I had you as a parent or at least a big sister. At least I found you now. It is wonderful of you to share your wisdom so freely. You have described the guys in my life exactly. I now understand things that were so painful to me back then. They want all the fun, but not the work. That's them, not me. I just hope that at 48 it's not too late to start asserting what is important to BOTH sides of the relationship. My greatest hope lies with my grandmother (step, some would call her). She married my grandfather when they were in their 60's and she was the first in our family to include me as my father's daughter. I had been discarded by both parents in a divorce. She gave me my only view of love & set an example as her only marriage began when most others are ending.........great lady. Like her, I'll believe your words that love and kind, responsible men do exist. I will no longer settle for less.
Thanks again for your support in the quest,
Nina
Thank you for your kind words, Nina; I'm so glad I can be here for you now. I loved hearing the inspiring story of your grandmother - she knew what was possible; she understood exactly what I'm talking about here. She knew what it takes most of us a long time to see. Real love is never out of our reach; no matter who we are, no matter where we've been, no matter how much we feel like it's too late. It never is!
Jane you do not know how much I needed this today!!! I have been trying depressly to get closure and move on....He is so selfish & self-centered that he always play the coward card. I lost my father last week which brought up alot of emotions, I thought I could count on his support, he just made things worst. I decided to end this chapter of my life with him. I heard this statement which I will apply to all of my decisions: Decision decides your ?
(wealth, Happiness, Joy, Peace, Health, etc.) I told myself this ENDS today!! Forgive the HIM and find closure for myself and I am moving forward.
So beautifully said, BRD; thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry for your loss; of course this brought up so many emotions and a reminder of what really matters, of what you've really got. There's such healing in that kind of forgiveness. Forgive him for yourself, find closure for yourself, and move forward for your own beautiful self. You're seeing just how powerful you truly are when you decide you're ready to be!
I'm so very sorry to hear your father passed. My condolences and good luck in your future relationships.
Your article is so true & touches my heart. I dated a guy for over a year off & on that wouldn't call me his girlfriend or a couple, but we were exclusive & had standing dates. He was so sweet to me & paid for everything, but wouldn't even care about my needs. We'd cuddle & be close, but he finally started breaking standing dates with me. He was busy & when he had money, we'd go out. He stopped.calling & texting, but if I saw him, he'd be friebdly & want to be friends. He had.commitment phobua & wanted to be a friends with benefits, but nothing else such as a couple that shares everything. He even told me he couldn't make me his girl. It was.hard,.but I let go & feel so much better for it.. I want a real relationship & not a psuedo one. I know I'll get it someday soon!
,because I won't settle for that kind of treatment. Thanks for your article!because I'm nit willing to settle. I di I'm not
You're already getting this, Marcy! We're all on this journey together, at different stages, in different times, but we all live, we all learn, we all come to see the reality of what is - and so much more! - in our own time, when we're ready. It is hard to go through this, but as you're finding out, when you can let go, you feel so much better. It's in that letting go you see what was there all along, and you discover why you are never worth settling for anybody or anything that doesn't honor and love you - and treat you! - the way you deserve to be loved!
Hi Jane,
I have a friend, let's call him Mike. He is a widower and he was hanging around me so much that he even came to our Messianic Temple In his mind he is sure that this woman I will call her X he met over a year ago is the one for him. He moons all day and night after her although she only went out with him once and only stopped by his store once. Everyone I know can see we are more than just friends but he won't even admit that. He has some severe emotional problems and in the last two weeks I was in the hospital because of all the stress. There is a lot of spiritual garbage going on and he says he doesn't want to make me a part of his drama that he is actually afraid of something happening to me because of it. This is the guy who did my laundry when I was sick fed by disabled son when I was in the hospital and visited me there too..He SAYS he wants to be free of this nightmare he experiences every night while sleeping and claims that there are demons around him which in my spiritual beliefs is true. But he no longer calls me or emails me every day. He says I am too emotional when all I did was tell him I was at a prayer meeting and we prayed for him and one of the ladies held my hand because I was crying for his pain. I don't get it. When he was with me he was all weepy all the time and talked about how feelings make you stronger when you let them out but I AM TOO EMOTIONAL? I left a message on his phone telling him I care for him as more than just a friend. He has become more and more withdrawn and everyone at the shul can see he is totally miserable and really really loves me..So I usually don't contact him or email him except once in a while if I suggest to give him a prayer or something. He is coming out of some really dark stuff spiritually so I get it, he doesn't want me to be contaminated or end up in the hospital again but really I am sick of waiting for him to get his act together. I don't need his baggage...though I still care about him...what do I do? occasionally email him about good spiritual stuff? What? He will email my son like crazy and tell him he loves him and is a very caring step Dad to his dead wife's son..What the heck is going on here ?
On 13 Sep 2013 I met this guy at a café who I thought was interested in me, I was nervous, scared & shy meeting him, as soon he called my name I thought who is this guy so he sat me down at the table n paid for everything n shared some chips at a café, at 1 stage I thought it was a date but then he said "I don't think we should be friends first so 1 of us doesn't get hurt" I accepted it and he n I talked about past relationships n thought he sounds like a really sweet guy and he's 1 year older than me. he gave me a pat on the back and as he left to say goodbye on a rainy day he gave me a friends hug on the back n he had to leave bcoz of the busy peak hour traffic at 3pm, so that night he would say I'll talk to you on FB 2nite. so half of the time he would say when he talk to me next. on the 30 Sep he took me to the movies n I asked him if he wanted drinks and he said "no I don't have time for drinks and I gotta to be at my music rehearsal for a big party he had to do" so he left me, on that night he asked me "did your mum get u get home ok", I said "yes "I got home safely". So after that week he planned me n him to go to the shopping centre and there would be times where he would txt me saying "sorry I can't make it today my boss wants me to be there and got a job to do down south because his job is a windows cleaner for businesses" so I accepted it n felt disappointed thinking why is he doing this, I tried my best to have backup plans. so if he cancelled I had a backup plan to meet with my mum, nanna or other guy friends. he postponed 7x. mum thought I was pushy bcoz I kept checking to see if he still was on for the catch up. there was times I was nervous bcoz of him postponed to hang out. he didn't want to date n I asked is this a date and he said nope just casual. 1 time me n him worked out transport n worked out we're doing in shops n had arrangements made, so then he said a big sorry n doesn't know when he would catch up with me because he had Oct - Dec very busy months. on the 15th Nov I asked him to have drinks with me and he said maybe bcoz he didn't know what time he finished work so I asked him 1 more time and he said "nah, I'm so sorry I can't, I'm so knackered, it's a hot day, maybe next week" I was fine with it. there was times I was expecting him to talk to me on a Friday night, 1 Friday nite he didn't come on because he was out with his old friends n I would sit wait n wait thinking where did he go, so I would give him a msg in the morning n have a txt chat on Saturday morning. another Friday night I waited n waited n then I asked him "what happened to u" he said "i'm so sorry, I forgot, I fell asleep" and I felt so sorry for him because he works to hard. I want to see him but trouble is he's too busy. I thought when he's quiet what's he gonna do? so now he's quiet with work. 1 of my friends invited him to her birthday party but I don't know if should go or not. last year I invited him to 2 of my events n he declined & n he declined 1 of my friends parties. should I go or not if he does/doesn't go?. Idk when I will see him next. What do If I feel nervous if he cancels?
Courtney,
This guy is just stringing you along in the worst way possible. You have to really listen to know he's telling you and showing you with his behavior. He is telling you clearly that he doesn't really want a relationship and his actions is showing you that he clearly doesn't value your time or respect you. Please don't give this guy another opportunity to stand you up or marginalize you. Go to your friend's party and don't worry about him, because trust me he's not worried about you. His actions keep showing you that. You feel nervous because you know on too many levels that this guy is just going to be a repeat offender. Please draw your attention to you and focus on your life and making you happy. From September 2013 till February 2014 this guy has shown you a consistent pattern. Please run, don't walk away from this situation and honor yourself.
This is true and what i needed to here..am doing that and am enjoying myself.Though at times cant help but think of him am making progress a day at a time.
One day at a time is exactly how we do this, Carol. It may seem slow - more like two steps forward and one step back sometimes - but it's how we all get there. You've got this!
Wow!!! Jane, geeez you just did it again…Great email right there… its actually true…i was in that situation where i kept waiting for him… i ended up getting tired of waiting because he didnt change…if we met up,it was always at his time…when we emailed, it was always on his time…i would buy him presents and for his family and he got me nothing…infact he would make u excuses ALL THE TIME… It was always about HIM and not ME… im glad i walked away from that kind of relationship… 🙂
Thanks, Tash; I'm so glad you're seeing this for what it is! "It was always about HIM and not ME" - exactly! 🙂
Jane, I have been in a terrible relationship like Tash. My boyfriend started out as the one who chased me and as time went on, the novelty wore off. Of course I'm the one who ends of falling completely head over heals. My boyfriend does everything on his time and puts forth almost no effort in our relationship. About 3 months ago, I finally stood up for myself and told him of his selfish ways but all he did was accuse me of being selfish and insecure. Ironically the next day, he sent me text messages telling me how wonderful I am and how he doesn't deserve me. I hate myself for not breaking up with him, I really do. But I can't let go. As terrible as he is, I still "love" him. I decided to stop focusing on him for a while and I decided not to say anything to him if he upset me or acted selfish. Ever since, our relationship has been "perfect" in his mind because he doesn't have to do anything. He gets the benefits of seeing me when he wants and he is never told that he is wrong. I know he uses me for the physical stuff. He loves my body but could care less about what comes out of my mouth. Sadly, I was okay with this for a while. But, lately, I've been really thinking about my self-worth and value and even though I love him, I feel horrible for the way I have let myself be treated. I want to stand up for myself again and if the relationship has to end, I'm okay with it. I'm young and i deserve to be happy. Can you please give me advice with what to say? Thank you 🙂
You say what supports your boundaries and your terms for the relationship, Daisy. It doesn't have to be anything huge or dramatic, just you checking in with yourself as you watch and observe how you are being treated and his actions and behaviors and you decide what you can and can't live with. It's such a huge thing that you are so in tune with yourself that you are recognizing what feels good and what feels horrible. That's no small thing and something to be so proud of!
Know that your actions always speak louder than your words, so if he's not hearing what you're saying, then show him how much you respect and value yourself by your actions. Put the focus on being yourself, on being the real you, on being authentic - on being what you can live with! - and this will become so much less complicated. You know, you always do. Trust yourself and allow him to be himself and you to be yourself and it will become that much more obvious what you need to do. Real love is never, ever complicated!
Yeah I've been talking g to someone for almost a year it's like a friend lover thing idk . Every time he pisses me off I make a way to where he can't get in contact with me. But every time he finds his way back . then I deal with the same its not big issus but little one that is suppose to matter in a relationship . ive chosen to let go and he gonna find a way to come back again ? Confusing ?but I loved the advice
I love receiving your emails! They truly help me! Thank you xxx
You're so welcome, Claire. I'm so glad they're helping you!
awesome
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Charity!
Hi , Im afraid I have found myself in a very bad relationship. It is sad because 80% of the time my bf is wonderful. Mainly he's a mean drinker. Drinking he gets mean, loud, demanding, rude, hurtful and just plain heart wrenching behavior. Every time. He hates text, and prefers to talk , always on phone or in person. But he has a total puke mouth. He demands I conform, obey, do right, then gives me time limits (5 seconds, 8 seconds, etc) to answer him or get out of house, car, restaurant, where ever we are... He demands explicit activities and if "I'm not game" get out, go find someone on craigslist.... I am shaking just typing this. I love him, but I gotta say I need out, or help.. to help him.
Can you live with this? Write out what you need. What would you tell your sister to do?
No I cannot. And I would tell a Sister to get out of the relationship fast and far.
Yeah, I know. But that is not what Im telling me... UGH.
With a temper like that, you letting him act that way, us totally you saying, I'm desperate, it's okay...It's totally unacceptable, it will eventually lead to violence. You are the only one of you, God knew you before you existed!! That makes you very special!!!! Face it, he won't ever be good to you, I bet money you came from a home without a Dad...you deserve the best, a drunk rarely changes, they are the most selfish evil people, I learned from experience....run..please run..get as far away, as long as your breathing you can start over. NEVER WILL A DRUNK BE FAMILY MATERIAL
So so agree!!!
Jo-Jo, I hope you got out of that bad relationship. You deserve so much better than that. Believe in yourself and pray?
girl you need to get out trust me I know how hard it is I'm 50 years old I'd for kids I want to another state he found me abused me killed me and then kick me so I survived and then he died a couple years later karma comes around I know it's hard to leave but it's so easy when you're out there even when you have nothing it's a big weight off your shoulders trust me
I can give great advice but I do not take my own advice because I do listen to myself otherwise I would not be in the position I am right now please girls listen if you knew emotional abusive relationship physical and theres like 5 others that I can't even think of just get the f away you knowing yourself if you're not happy move on
Thank you very much. I'm living and learning. ?
This was good reading for me to move on I'm getting over a crush this was so much of a good strength for me thank you from the bottom of my heart
You saved my heart, I don't feel so low or alone.
I can give great advice but I do not take my own advice because I do listen to myself otherwise I would not be in the position I am right now please girls listen if you knew emotional abusive relationship physical and theres like 5 others that I can't even think of just get the f away you knowing yourself if you're not happy move on
That story was made for me and says si much about the push pull dynamic I had in my marriage of 19 yrs. I'm the girl that walked away after my needs were communicated and ignored. I was codependent on him in so many ways that I thought cutting those ties would be not worth my energy and time. But after 8 months freed, it was! I finally get to live my best life, have friends again, get out of the old routines, meet new and exciting people, and be amongst the world again. Yes, it wasn't easy but nothing worth doing ever is. The day to day can still be a struggle dealing with the ex due to our child or dividing our lives between us but through this story, I know that no matter how good he makes his new life sound in a new home with a new gf right after I moved out; it's just a mask for him to hide behind. The anger i see in him now and the stress and challenges he complains about with his new life when he wants to be honest, is a testament that i wasn't easy to replace or throw away like i thought. I no longer even care about what he's doing or how 'good' things are going for him because I'm too busy with my own new life! My new 'shine's is noticable to everyone around me and i have offers i have to turn away so i can continue to focus on me and who i want to be now. My happiness and my daughter's is my only focus till I'm healed enough inside to receive the love i always deserved. I hope this helps others to know it's possible, no matter how long you are with a man that never changes, that you try so hard with, you can start again and love life!