We all want to know it's going to be different this time.
He seems different.
It feels different.
And yet instead of remembering that we've been down this road too many times before, we do the same things we've always done, expecting it to somehow lead to something different than the heartbreak we've become so used to.
It's so common that we all fall into these traps at one point or another, and it usually ends the same way it did before - with our hearts broken and our self-esteem reeling.
I did too, until I finally began to question whether what I was doing was working.
I knew the answer - it wasn't.
Once I began practicing this new way of thinking, this new way of being, I found the freedom and the confidence to handle whatever dating situation I found myself in.
More importantly, I was no longer dependent on what someone else was or wasn't doing. I took my own power back in a way that not only changed the way I dated, but also changed the way I lived my life in so many other areas as well. And you can too.
It comes down to these three essential actions that will completely change your love life.
1. Stop making assumptions
If you’re like I was, you probably don't even realize you’re doing this. We make so many assumptions.
We assume that if he asked us for our number, he’s interested.
It doesn't even cross our minds for a moment that maybe he’s collecting numbers and we’re just one of several that he’s picked up before us that night.
Or, maybe he actually has a girlfriend or is even married, and was just out flirting and having fun to see if "he's still got it", never intending to actually follow up.
But instead, when he doesn't call, we assume it’s us, that we’re not good enough, or that we said or did something wrong.
We'll spend hours thinking about it and talking about it with our girlfriends. Over analyzing and obsessing about what could have made him change his mind.
When we're dating someone, we assume he’s on the same page as us.
Whether it's been a short time or a long time, when we feel like it's going well and he’s still asking us out, we assume that he's feeling the same way.
We assume that he’s thinking what we’re thinking and wanting the same type of relationship that we want.
If we're only dating him, we assume he's only dating us.
There’s lots of reasons we make these assumptions:
- It makes sense to us – if we feel this way, he must too.
- Things are going well and we don’t want to do anything to change that or to make things awkward. We don’t want to rock the boat.
- And the most important reason of all, we believe that if we just go along with it all, he’ll see how wonderful we are and choose us.
We think that it doesn't matter what he's thinking or feeling. We think that if we can just show him how amazing we are and prove our worth to him, he’ll be there too – right where we are.
We never think that maybe he’s a player, just looking for one more conquest. We ignore that he has a reputation, believing that we're going to be the one to change him.
We never think that maybe he’s only looking for one thing, or that he still has an ex-girlfriend in the picture, or that he has his own issues that hold him back from being ready to commit.
We ignore the little subtle clues he drops to let us know he’s not really there. Sometimes we even ignore it when he flat out tells us that he's not ready to commit.
When everything’s wonderful and the chemistry is there it's all too easy to make these assumptions. But it's time to stop making assumptions.
2. Be direct and communicate
It’s exactly because we make these assumptions that we don’t do the one thing that we really need to do to find out if this person we’re making our plans with and fantasizing about living our dreams with is right for us! We need to ask.
We've learned to behave so well, to not rock the boat, to not ask for what we need, to not let our needs get in the way of a relationship’s potential.
We’re afraid to say what we want, to stand up for ourselves and our own needs.
We forget that we’re also doing the choosing here. We don’t think it’s our place. And the last thing we want to do is give him any reason not to like us.
We tell ourselves that we don't want to play games. That we don't want to pressure him. That we don't want to be manipulative.
The truth is that it's not any of those things.
In reality, it's the only way we can find out if we’re on the same page and if he’s worth putting our time and energy into before we get too involved and before we have that much more of ourselves invested.
There are no guarantees, of course, but when we put on the table what we're looking for and find out what he’s looking for, we at least find out more than we would have known if we were only going on assumptions.
We know more of his terms, of where he stands so we can decide for ourselves where we want to go from here.
We can choose to stay - accepting the reality of what is – or we can choose to say “next”.
But the huge difference when we do this is that regardless of what we decide, we keep our self-esteem and our self-confidence intact. Because we know it's our choice.
Of course it’s not a first date type of conversation or even in the first few weeks. But once you’re starting to fall for him and starting to go there to that place where we can so easily go, you’ll know that it’s time for you to know.
And that's when you need to bring it up. Just ask.
3. Keep your options open
This is one that I had a difficult time with.
If I liked a guy, I went out with him, and I didn't date anyone else until I had a chance to see where that was going. Back to the part about making assumptions – I would just assume that he was doing the same.
I would think 'Of course we’re exclusive! Of course I don’t want to be with anyone else or to date anyone else. That’s why I’m with him'.
And that’s why time and time again, I would end up putting all my eggs in one basket, and losing my sense of judgment in the process. He became my central focus and I put all my time and energy and thoughts into being with him.
I thought that he wouldn't want me if I was dating other men. It just seemed slutty for lack of a better word.
But little did I know if I had done exactly that, everything would have been kept in balance. I would have saved myself so much heartbreak by keeping my options open, by continuing to date other guys until I knew for sure he was ready to be exclusive.
I would have remembered that I was the one doing the choosing instead of trying to convince someone why he should choose me. I would have realized I was simply getting to know different people, different types of people, to find out who was worth getting to know better and who wasn't.
And as for him, I would have known that any respectable guy would have expected nothing less than this type of behavior from me, knowing that any woman who truly respected herself would need to have that level of commitment from him before she became exclusively his.
Instead, as so many of us do, I set myself up for the same heartbroken outcome over and over again.
You see, if there was one single piece of advice I wished I’d known back when I was single, it was that the fastest way to finding the right guy is to find out as soon as possible if you’re on the same page as him or not.
As much as you can have a feeling about someone, as much as you think you can instinctively know, there's just no substitute for coming right out and finding out where he's really at.
If it scares him off, it’s OK.
After not doing this for the majority of my single life, I’d much rather risk losing someone over him finding me too direct, than to go on holding onto the fairytale of what I wanted it to be, rather than the reality of what it really was.
Because ultimately, if someone isn't comfortable with you being upfront and honest with them, that’s a red flag right from the start.
The only way to really know if you're on the same page is to ask. Then you can make smart decisions.
I ALWAYS think that "if I had/ hadn't said that, things would have turned out differently".
So as time passed I became more and more "going with the flow" and not doing anything that I would consider to risky, that he might not like, that I might lose him with that...
So when my last relationship ended it was SO frustrating because I thought I had done everything right and it still didn't work.
I really want to be in a relationship where I can be totaly me, without worrying if something I say or do might scare him off....
But I sometimes think there isn't anyone like this out there.
I've recently met someone and I think they're pretty perfect. I've dated a lot of people and I know I'm attractive. We met up and I thought things were great, may have stayed the night. Afterwards the conversation isn't as intense anymore but it's still interesting and texting is less frequent. I feel like he's interested but not at the same time. He said that he couldn't see this week because he already has plans but maybe the end of next week. I understand that he's just started a new job and is busy seeing old friends and getting to know staff aswell as forming a new home but am I making excuses? I'm literally doing the exact same thing and I still manage to juggle everything.
I don't feel like we're on the same page over text but it feels good in person. So I feel I have a few options: Should I just leave it be and see what happens if he wants? Continue on in this vein, knowing that I'm overthinking everything when he's not? I'm sure you probably have better advice than me! Thanks I bunch, loved the article!!! Sam
Thanks again for all the great posts! I wish I had read these years ago - ' I was the one doing the choosing instead of trying to convince someone why he should choose me' - this is like a light -bulb going off in my head - brilliant
You're so welcome, Laura. I know exactly what you mean; that simple phrase - when you make it your own - changes everything!
Thank you Jane.. it is true.. i really agree with your opinions. I wil try it in my life. May be it will be hurt to realize that he doesnt like us, but it is great before we fall in love with a wrong guy.
You've got it, Rica, because that short term disappointment that someone isn't on our page pales in comparison to what we put ourselves through when we give all too much of ourselves away to someone who isn't right for us in the ways that truly matter. I'm so glad you're seeing this now. Thank you!
It is so true!!! I wish I find the strength to follow these 3 steps. They are real and will definitely work. I am sure my life will change too. It is just I can't find the strength yet 🙁
I have to be honest Jane that I really have come to dislike the online daing scene. Especially here in the city I live in. I've tried them all and all the same black men are on the sites! lol So, now Im just looking to meet men and people organically in my spheres of influence. Just like you said. Not forcing anything but being open. Its just that right now, there aren't any....so am I just going to stay hopeful.:)
Some of the best dating advice I've received ever! That third rule is one my mother practised right up to the moment my father asked her to marry him. She wrote two letters apologizing to the other two men, informing them they were great but that she'd found someone who appreciated her enough to take the next step of commitment. She's a firm believer in it and has always advised me to follow suit. I found it awkward and deceptive at first, but after hearing some expert advice on the reasons why I should keep my options open, I'm sold out! Thanks Jane! And thanks mum! 😀
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Centaine, and helped to confirm what your mum already knew! Thanks for sharing her wisdom with all of us; I love hearing her story 🙂
OMG!! Jane I Love You, you brought tears to my eyes as I was reading what you had wrote.Its like you were in my mind, my thoughts, you knew my fears of what I wanted to say, but didn't because I didn't want to push him away.I have been talking with other guys but it's hard to concentrate on them when your heart is with someone else, I'm ready to move on but I can't, I'm stuck with feelings, emotions, and love for this man.My biggest fear is moving on to quick and missing out on what it is I really want, and that's the man my heart desires.Am I wrong for waiting on this man that I have fallen deeply in love with. Help!!!
I'm so glad this meant so much to you, Jenaea. I know what you mean when something cuts right to the core with where you're at and what you're going through. I so hear where you're coming from with the fear that you might miss out on what you really want just when you decide to move on. Did you hear me say those same words in a different time and place? There is no right or wrong here; there's only what's right for you and where you're at.
We all come to the place we need to in our own time, when we finally have our last straw, when we finally can't ignore what's going on any longer. It's different for everyone and there's no one who can tell you what to do. Just keep listening to that little voice deep inside you, keep watching and listening for the reality around you, keep asking yourself the questions that come up for you, keep looking at what you're getting from him and what you're giving him. In your own time, you'll know.
But in the meantime, live your own life. Do what I didn't do while I hung on like you are. Live and live and live some more. Go places, do things, create that beautiful life that's just waiting for you to see it. Follow your dreams, your passions, the things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter. That's the part I missed, Jenaea, when I was in the thick of it. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of what you do. So make a life for yourself just like he's doing. You've got everything he's got, even if you don't realize it now.
Thank You Jane, I LUV U GURL!!!
I like this one. Only the thing is I can't get like 3 guys to date
In a month. So the focus goes automatically to 1 guy. Because
There is nothing else to date haha!!!
How to deal with this?
Exactly my point Maris! Its really hard at times but its getting better.
Oh I so hear you, Maris! Stretch, and keep stretching. That's what we sometimes need to do. Maybe you have a type that isn't really your type. Maybe there's someone you're missing. Don't force it. In time, it will come if it's meant to. There'll be more opportunities, more people, more types coming your way. Keep your eyes open and see what you find when you look in a different direction or in a different place than you have before, and keep an open mind. If there's more to see, you'll see it when you're meant to. In the meantime, focus on filling your cup in so many other ways, too. Your hobbies, your passions, your interests, the people and places and parts of your self that you haven't yet explored. It's in the living that we make a life and find someone who's making his own life that's compatible with ours. Don't be afraid to try something new or stretch out of your comfort zone. You're already there, Maris, you're getting all this. Think of it as the icing on the cake, the rest you've already got!
Perfect and right where I am
So glad, Susan, thank you!
Hi Jane. I relate to this story really well. I said a lot of it in the email I gave you yesterday.
since 1/1/14 he's been rejecting me on FB and my habit is I've been re-friending him 4x and he's been rejecting my friend requests on facebook. my habit is everytime he rejects me I re-friend him straight away and idk why he's rejecting me. it's like I can't stop this habit, last nite I felt confident In re-friending him and on 19/1/14 he looked at me a few times and idk if he was checking me out or just make sure I didn't go up to him. I was too nervous to talk to him, I didn't want to disturb him, I acted to shy around him, n I just spat out happy new year n walked away n he walked upto me saying hey in person and he didn't have to talk n I asked him Why did u finish early?" n he said he had other gigs to do & I asked when is our next FB talk & he said "i'll let u know" catcha later n he said bye. then I feel bad giving him a trustworthy txt but no response. idk what to do?
1. wait for him to accept me?
2. give him a txt saying " to be honest why are u ignoring me etc"
3. delete my friend request to him
4. wait for him to add me on FB
some ppl say he's blocked my number & that he's got a GF but FB says he's single according to his profile? I don't believe in what my friends say.
i'm too scared to do anything
Hi Courtney,
Been where you are way too many times. I started to put my emotions over to the left somewhere and profile HIM. Rather like a reverse of what women are taught to do re: men. Who is he, what is he and is HE WORTH IT. You are the prize and the prize is worthy of being won. There are too many people, men and women who play. We know, usually, right away, when someone is toying with us. We have red flags that pop up and we need to pay really close attention to them immediately. Just like an animal in the jungle. If we don't feel safe, secure, trusting about the other person...then we need to WALK AWAY RIGHT AWAY....
Hello Jane,
First of all, thank you for this forum. It has been a great help to me. My problem for a while now, is I dont' have anyone to date to take my mind off of my ex. I do my best to stay busy, I focus on pursuing things that make me happy and have some really positive things going on in my life right now. I haven't met anyone in a long time who is interested! On top of that, I am about to turn 50 this year and most of the men in my age range are married and settled. I have been single for 15 years with the exception of one serious relationship during that time. I have dated but none lasted more than a month or two. This last one really got to me because our connection. I have had the hardest time totally letting go of him because there is no one else interested.....so I have been weening him off slowly but surely. I would love to be able to date more often though! Just haven't met any men.
If you haven't already explored online-dating, that's a great place to start, Sheila, just to feel like there's so many men out there in your age range that are yours for the choosing can help. And then besides being open to see who comes up for you and who you find in places and circumstances that you might not expect, focus your energies on getting involved with people and organizations that give you a chance to broaden your horizons while exploring your hobbies, your interests, the things you're passionate about.
There's a whole world out there in today's world with the internet that can connect us with community that we never had before at our finger tips. Find those things that interest you, find those like-minded people, and see what speaks to you.
It's not about forcing anything, it's about living our lives as passionately and as beautifully as we can so that what someone else does or doesn't do - or what they choose to do with us! - doesn't matter. It doesn't. But you do!
Let him be who he's going to be, Courtney, whatever that looks like to you, do. If you're not getting anything from him with all your requests and your attempts to communicate with him aren't working, he's telling you where he's at by his actions. With someone who's right for you, there won't be any fear. You'll both be on the same page and there will be an easy give-and-take flow to getting to know each other.
Focus on you and what you want before anyone or anything else. We're not meant to live our lives waiting for someone to see us, to be convinced to give us a chance; we're here to be ourselves and see who's compatible with us - the ones who want what we want and communicate this to us in unmistakable ways that never leave us wondering where we stand or what's going on.
Only you can decide what you want to do with him, Courtney, but if he's not giving you any reason to believe he might be interested in you than a glance or two your way and some small talk - and he's outrightly rejecting you on Facebook and ignoring you - then it's always best to move on. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, and waiting around for someone who keeps rejecting you only hurts your self-esteem. You deserve so much more than this, Courtney. This isn't about you, this is about him. Commit to you, to only being with someone who's on your page and wants what you want with you. Life is way too short to put yourself through this no matter who someone might be or what you think he might have to offer you. You're the prize here!
I think it's a great article. As a man writing in this article, if any of you ladies are bothering to read the other comments, there are men like myself who desire a serious committment with women. I actually met someone over a month ago and she was wavering between "let's take it slow.. to.. no strings attached". I approached it quite causiously- we confessed we liked one another but she at least communicated with me from the start that she was not into serious committment. Then last week the texts were cut and dry-- the interest and curiosity just seem to disappear from the sky. There weren't many assumptions but rather just a small hope that she would perhaps desire more. TRAP- TRAP!! I "suffered" minor disappointment one can say so I've since pulled out of this but only problem is that I am with Meetup.com and will end up seeing her over and over again at different events...lol. Oh well....it could be worse...I could have strung along MUCH longer, "assuming" a silver lining ending but the reality was there from the start. Before you swallow, gently bite in, smell, savour, then take a small bite because if you dont....you could find yourself with a serious case of "heartburn"...sorry...no pun intended!! All the best ladies.... Luc.
Thanks for your male perspective here, Luc; it's insightful!
Shanta
Thank you guys I am reading this and it make me feel so good, cause i being in the situation myself, way i dated a guy for 4 months and all of a sudden he just want to be friend, I assume we were on the same page cause we did everything together, later to find out that we were not on the same page. Its really hard to not to communicate with him cause i had feel deeply in love with him. I know he is a good guy and stuff, i ask myself where did i went wrong. He has some financial debt to pay and stuff and also taking care of his sick mom. Sometimes I am a bit confused cause he would call me all the time and if there is anything i need done he will do it for me. Can you please give me some advice you think i should let go.
You didn't do anything wrong, Shanta. If he was on the same page as you and wanted the same level of commitment you want, he wouldn't suddenly decide he just wants to be friends. There are so many different reasons why someone decides this after being so involved with you, but the reality is, this was his decision. It's not about you, it's about him and where he's at. The only thing for you to take from it is that you're not on the same page, as much as you thought you were. That's what so many of us do all too often, and that's why we have to start changing this. We have to start being true to ourselves and not being afraid to come out and say who we are and what we want. We have to be willing to take the risk of finding out where he's at, because we're not risking anything if we're finding out the reality of what is.
Believe him when he says he wants to be friends; he's being very clear with where he's at. Now it's up to you to decide if you can live with his terms and make your own decision on whether you can be just friends with him. If you can, if that will be enough for you, if he's worth it, then you have your answer. If you can't, if you want more than that, than you also have your answer. You're the only one who knows what you're willing to give up of your own terms to have him in your life; and that's why the only person who can make this decision is you.
I really like your advice Jane because I have been doing all the opposite, I am always assuming that men would think if you are dating a number of other guys they will just run a mile and think you are not serious about them. I just started seeing this guy from a dating site and we went out twice and he told me that if I was to go out with someone else he would be cool with that because he just want to take things slowly and then develop a friendship and from there we can see if we want to start a relationship. I have never had a guy say all this to me before so I had mixed feelings at first but I guess it's OK to try something new and see what could develop.
I'm glad this helped you where you're at, Romeka. We can become so used to dating a certain way, to doing things a certain way, that we're surprised to hear something different. It's all part of our journey; we live, we learn, we grow. One step a time, one new idea at a time, one new way of thinking and being at a time. Think of it as an adventure; you're meeting new people, finding out what they're all about and deciding whether you're compatible and worth getting to know better or not. There's no rejection, just different fits. We do so much harm to our beautiful selves when we take so much of this personally when it's really about getting more information to make smart decisions, not about proving your worth to someone or trying to convince them why they should choose you.
It is unfortunate, but it's true. Dating became a full-time job. You nerd tp date at least 5 guys to find a decent one these days (unlessbyou get exceptionally lucky). If pne thing I could add is it's best to be discreate about your dating options. No need to mention to anyone how many guys you date, because people will judge you. They are just people, they have no right to judge and they are wrong, but they will anyway. I would say do not even tell it to the guys that you date. If we are wrong to assume things, so are they. If they want an exclusive relationship- let them inotiate the talking. Was too chicken to open his mouth and adk her to be his girl, well, in that case he has no right to complain if he finds out she dated someone else. Will be a tough lesdon for him. And if you ever havevto initiate the talk, do not talk about you and him and the future. Talk about you, a guy you are looking for and the future. That way he will get the clue that it is really his job to prove he is that guy, not your job to beg ir to convince him to be one. Ah, one more thing. Women are ment to be loved. Men are ment to be used. Unless of course he proves with his actions he deserves to be loved. Do mot fall head over hills for your admirers. But find ways to make them useful instead. Do mot feel shy to ask them for what you want ( well do not ask for more then they can rrasonably provude though). The more they invest in you, the more precious you are to them.
Thanks for this, Nina; you've added some great insight here.
Exactly.
I've been there and I think we've all been there. So many assumptions from so little actual information. Trying to not look desperate by talking about such things and telling myself it's not the right time for it yet and it's not the right situation and other things are more important to care about right now (oh, really?). And of course fixating on the one single person while basically stopping to get to know other, new people. Yes. But it's so true what you you wrote there, Jane.
One thing I learned and confirmed for myself over and over again is that direct and open communication is so important. Don't have enough time, space, or courage to talk about things that matter? Well, it won't last long before some problems will arise and then it will be usually to late and get too messy to do anything about it. It will inevitably become complicated and as we know, that's not the true love. So, when you don't know something, like if we're on the same page, if we want the same thing, just ask. Don't wait too long. Talk about it. If anything, the right person will appreciate it and you both will have good understanding where you're standing.
Yes, there's no point holding on to some dream, some fantasy which isn't based on reality. Of course you can dream, wish for things, and play along, but you need to have the base firmly set and be sure of how it's really going on first. Otherwise you're setting up yourself for painful end.
I wish you all a lot of courage! 🙂
Thanks for adding your experiences - and what you've learned! - to this conversation, Jan; when you've been there, you understand in a way that not everyone can. It all helps.
"If anything, the right person will appreciate it and you both will have good understanding where you're standing." - Exactly!
Wow, I can totally relate to this and I feel like I was meant to receive this! I keep falling in this trap with guys I meet and I end up left feeling miserable and feeling like it's something I've done wrong. There's a guy I've been in contact with recently and I feel he's not been in contact as much recently and it's started my over thinking and analysing the situation, has he gone off me is it something I said. Why is it I continue to think it's something I've done? I'm on a path of re-discovering myself just now and I really want to get to a better place with myself and know I'm good enough and worthy enough.
I can totally relate to this as I think things like well he added me on Facebook and asked for my number so then I assume it's because he's interested, or he recently asked me about a festival were both going to and what the plans are for it so then I think of he must be keen to go there with me involved. But then he hasn't even asked me out on a date, wanted to take me out. So alarm bells start ringing for me that he's not really looking for any commitment. And I'm finding it hard to just walk away and not having any contact with him which I know is best for me.
I hope if I keep working on myself and get to a better place with myself I will stop putting myself through this and look at what's best for me rather than what I can give to him.
I really am glad I came across your page and i love what you do Jane it helps keep me on the right track.
Sam xx
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Samantha, and thank you for your kind words. Know that you're so not alone in thinking it's you, that it's something you've done, and in not being able to just walk away. We understand so many of these things when we talk about them, but when we go to put them into practice, it can be a whole other thing. When you're ready to do something different, you'll know, Samantha. This new path you're on is a beautiful one, but full of many one step forwards, two steps back. Don't be too hard on yourself. That's how we all get there. There isn't any right or wrong, there's only what's right for you right now and we always - always! - do the best with what we know with where we're at at the present time. You're getting all this, and you'll get it more along the way. 🙂