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I Know He's Using Me But I Can't Resist Him!

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A beautiful sad woman is leaning on her hands wondering why she can't resist him when she knows he's using her.One of our beautiful readers, S, is in a relationship with a man who doesn't want any kind of commitment, but still wants the physical benefits of a relationship with her.

Sound familiar?

She has requested that I post her letter here to share with all of you so that she can have your additional thoughts and support on her situation.

Her letter:

There is this guy who is my senior in a med school.

Earlier on people alerted me about his flirtatious character and that he uses girls for only sex. But I took everything as rumors.

I fell for him believing everything as rumors.

After going out twice, this guy proposed me saying he wants to date me. When I went to his flat for the first time he told me that he wants to kiss me.

Later on after few months when I asked him for commitment and where our relation is heading, he told me he likes me but can't give any commitment as he wants to marry according to his parents' choice.

Fine I know I have been emotionally used, but the problem is I have fallen for him so badly that it's getting impossible for me to let him go and move on.

I tried ignoring him, but as soon as I see his texts, I can't resist my urge to talk to him. He has clearly mentioned me that he can be my friend but can't marry him. Then why on earth he approaches me for sexual needs?

I have told him several times that it's wrong still he tries to do that.

Please tell me what should I do? I am actually fed up of myself as I am unable to control my feelings. Should I stop talking to him completely without saying anything to him, or what should I do?

Please reply. (Kindly don't mention my identity while using this email publicly)

Thank you,

"S"

 My Response:

Dear "S",

Do whatever you need to do to get over him, because someone who is right for you will never treat you less than you deserve to be treated.

It sounds like the two of you are clearly on different pages and looking for different things, and clearly he isn't respecting you enough to stop his behavior even though you've asked him too.

See it for what it is; two people not on the same page, looking for different things from each other and a different type of relationship. No matter what your emotions say, this is about the reality of what is and not the fantasy of what you'd like it to be.

So this comes down to you, S, and I would ask yourself why you have fallen for someone who doesn't respect you, who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who isn't on the same page as you? What do you have to fall for?

You can control your feelings, you can ignore him, you can resist your urge to talk to him but you have to want to.

You're the only one who can do this and you are that strong if you want to be!

It's always your decision!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend who is experiencing this all too familiar situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

It's Time to Stop Being a Victim of Love

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A beautiful woman looks down at the target on her chest feeling like she is a victim of love and knows that she needs to stop being a victim of love.Somewhere along the way, in between all those times you thought it was the real thing, where you believed that love could conquer all, where you gave away your beautiful heart and soul to someone who you believed would eventually come around and make a commitment to you, you've come to believe that there’s only one possible explanation for your fate: you’re a victim.

I know it seems so much easier. Blaming your fate on everything else, telling yourself your sad story over and over again. It can even seem romantic in a strange sort of way.

Waiting to be rescued and believing in that fairy tale can keep you living like this for a long, long time. It can keep you from living at all for a long, long time.

And while this might seem like an accurate assessment, and you hold onto it even tighter whenever someone starts to question it, what happens when you believe something like this, my beautiful friend, is that you do yourself an even greater injustice.

You are closing yourself in.

You sentence yourself to this story and you put yourself in a very closed box.

This isn't your story. This isn't your fate.

You’re no damsel in distress, my beautiful friend. You’re not a tragic heroine in an epic fairy tale. You’re not a lady in waiting.

It might make for a great romantic story and give you something to keep holding onto, but it’s not your story.

We forgot.

Somewhere along the way we got lost. We forgot that we are doing the choosing. We forgot that we don't need to prove anything to anyone. We forgot that we have a say. We forgot that we can set our own boundaries and our own terms for our relationships and we can refuse to settle for any treatment that doesn't honor and respect the beautiful women we are. We forgot these truths.

You’re not a victim.

You don’t need to be rescued. 

We've all, at one time or another, chosen men who we've believed in but turned out to be something different than we thought they were. We've all gotten caught up in the belief that love conquers all.  We've all wanted to believe that it does. It might seem so much easier to give our power away like this, to put this all on something else so that we don’t have to take the blame. But in the process of doing this, something else happens.

We take away our ability to change it.

You see, my beautiful friend, what happens when you believe this, when you believe that you're a victim, when you put it on all bad luck, or a curse, or fate, or whatever other story you've been telling yourself for so long, you also deprive yourself of the choice you have to take your power back and create a life of your own choosing.

I know it’s hard not to defend your right to keep thinking like this. Of why you know this is true and that no one understands this. Of why your situation is different. And that’s OK if that’s where you’re at right now. It’s enough to simply entertain this thought, to hear an idea like this that might give you something to think about today or another day.

Because when you catch a glimpse of what your life could be like, when you sense that slight glimmer of hope that there might be a different way, this thought - this little nudge - will always still be right here waiting for you.

No matter who you are, what your past has been like, what kind of situation you are in right now, you can choose what you are going to do next. You can choose your own path forward. You can choose to change your circumstances, starting right now.

You are doing the choosing.

Should I Just Let Go and Move On?

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A beautiful woman is sad, missing her boyfriend, wondering if she should just let go and move on.One of our beautiful readers, Anna, is feeling hurt and confused, and is wondering if it's time for her to move on - here's her story and my thoughts:

Hello, thank you for reading my letter.

I'm 46 years old, fit, attractive mum and works full time. I've been dating a 55 year old man for almost 3 years. His children are grown up and all moved out and I still have a 16 year old daughter at home. He is a truck driver and begins work at 3 am and returns home at 3 pm. I work regular hours.

We do not live together and I don't let him stay over because we've never discussed a future together, he's always treated our situation as a day by day thing. I don't want a man to stay over unless I'm in a proper committed relationship and I have my daughter to consider and set an example to, my opinion anyway!

He is a kind man but he's never really there for me in times of need, if there's a problem where I need male help, it's not him! Due to his job, he tells me he's often tired and needs to catch up with rest in the weekends.

We have never been away in a weekend or holiday, he may come for dinner to my place through the week but it's like eat and run. Come the weekend and we may just go out for dinner on a Saturday night.

His family always come first, if they need money, he just hands it out so easily but he appears very tight with his money when it comes to me but I've never asked him for money even though at times I struggle being a single mum.

Our sex life is amazing but that's seems to be the only thing that's great.

I try to discuss a future with him but he doesn't really get involved in the conversation and never expresses where he wants to see this situation of ours going.

I express my feelings and thoughts to him, I raise having a holiday together, I talk about living together, I tell him how I feel but I'm just don't seem to be getting anywhere with him? I get so frustrated at times that I feel like I'm wasting my time and just settling for a dating pattern only!

We've broken up a couple of times but then he calls me and tells me he loves me and wants me but then things go back to exactly the same old situation, there's no progress or change. I feel I've opened my life to him but I feel he has his family on one side and me on the other, sometimes I feel he doesn't really care about me and that I'm just a habit to him?

I don't know what to make of it but my family sees I'm not really happy and feel I can do better but I feel so attached to him and it's hard to let go. I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks now due to another one of those little break ups again as I told him not to contact me unless he's genuinely serious about having a proper committed relationship with me.

I'm so much hurting and confused but I'm trying hard to keep busy and not think about him too much but up till now, I've heard nothing from him, should I just let go and move on?

Thanks Anna

My Response:

Dear Anna,

It's always in that space you give someone that you find out what you really mean to them. It sounds like he's perfectly content with the way things are - all on his terms. So you have to decide whether he's worth it.

If he is, if being with him on his clear terms that he's made clear to you by the way he behaves with you and by the way he treats you, is better than being alone or without him, then that's the choice you make. If it's not, if he's not worth it, if you have different terms and they're not compatible, then make that choice.

You're always the one doing the choosing, my beautiful friend; even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You can't make anyone love you, you can't change anyone or make anyone change or see things your way. It always comes down to two people and whether or not you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other. And then if you're both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

He may say he loves you and wants you back when you're broken up, but what does that really mean to him? Is it enough for him to come far enough your way? Of course he misses what he has with you. He's so lucky to be with someone like you!

We sell ourselves short all too often for so many different reasons based on where we're at, what we're afraid of, or what we feel we need from someone else and can't live without or give ourselves. And we can be pretty convincing to ourselves of why we should put up with more than what we know in our hearts we should.

You're worth the whole package, Anna, but we all have our reasons and our motivations and why we choose what and who we do is a very personal thing.

Choose you first and foremost, and then make the decision that gives you the greatest amount of peace and calm, and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You are so right; you have a beautiful daughter to set an example for; she will learn to be strong and know her worth from you.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is it time for Anna to let go and move on? Tell us your thoughts here in the comments!

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