I was thinking about an article I read years ago about the break-up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
As I was reading about how Demi and others before her have ended their relationships with cheating men, I realized something important that I wanted to share with you. Because it’s the perfect example of what we need to remember about these guys we get involved with.
Every single one of them.
And it’s one of the themes that I’m always talking about.
That we really do teach him how to treat us.
If you ever had any doubt about that, just look at Demi Moore’s announcement where she states clearly that she is not going to put up with this kind of betrayal of her and her family.
Even if it’s coming from the man she loves. Especially if he’s the man she loves!
Did you get that distinction? Here’s this guy that she’s in love with and when she found out his less than honorable behavior, we don’t know the exact details, but we do know that she’s thought about it enough to know she’s not willing to put up with that kind of behavior.
Even if it means saying goodbye to him. Even if it means she loses him by standing up for what she knows she deserves. And nothing less.
But what did she really lose?
She had already lost him on some level. Any guy that would cheat on his partner like that is already on the way out on some level. He had already left the relationship.
But instead of putting up with it out of love, out of fear, out of whatever other reason that motivates us to put up with behaviors that are never acceptable, she made the decision to stand up and let it be known publicly that if there were any doubt, this is one woman who knows what she deserves. And it’s not that.
It’s not Ashton Kutcher.
Let’s be clear; Demi Moore didn’t lose anything. She gained self-respect by standing up for what she knew was right. She gained self-confidence by refusing to settle for someone who would betray her and her family – even though you can bet it was not an easy decision.
It never is.
It’s never easy when your heart is still with someone and there’s so much you want to hold onto of the good stuff you enjoy with them – but a betrayal of trust on that kind of level sends a very clear message of what the relationship really means to him.
Even if he regrets it. Even if he thinks it was a mistake.
People have regrets and make mistakes all the time, but this kind of mistake and regret isn’t the kind that you can just erase or make right.
So let Demi’s example stand as a clear public message to all of us women everywhere that it is we who teach our guys how to treat us; it is we who let him know what we deserve –and refuse to settle for anything less.
No matter how wonderful he is.
No matter how much we don’t want to lose him.
No matter how much we wanted this to be the perfect relationship and him to be the one for us.
Because we matter that much. And if we back down now and don’t let him know, in no uncertain terms, that we are never going to settle for that kind of treatment, those kinds of behaviors, we should hardly be surprised if we find that we get more of the same in the future.
That’s how we teach him how to treat us.
And that’s why it all begins with us realizing our worth and getting clear on what we really deserve. Because it’s only when we truly get that – that we are worth the type of unconditional love from our guy that would never betray us in that manner, that we can stand up for ourselves like that.
And that’s what Demi gets.
Same with J Lo. A response to betrayal should always be about self respect. Lost respect too. One can't respect a mate who lacks integrity. Even if one chooses to forgive on a spiritual level, it doesn't mean association again. Good for these ladies, who have self respect.
what are the specific signs that indicate da man is cheating on you?
some say "change in behavior'... but that could be due to other reasons like stress etc.
what signs indicate clear cut red flags?
The red flags aren't always clearcut, Sonal, but if you're noticing a chance in the way he is with you, if he's pulling away, it doesn't mean he's cheating on you, it might mean he's not comfortable with the level of commitment and he's needing some space to get back to his comfort level. Everyone is different, and I would always hope that someone you're involved with would have the decency to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else, but I know that for some, it's easier to get out of a relationship by being found with someone else. Someone who would do this to you - or anyone else - isn't worth being with in the first place, no matter how much you believe they have to offer you. Being able to trust someone is the most important thing to have in a relationship, and if you don't have that, you have nothing. Don't let this consume you, Sonal, you don't want to be with someone who you can't trust, who gives you reasons to doubt him. If you suspect something, but you're afraid to confront him, ask yourself why you're with someone who you can't talk to like this.
Love isn't supposed to hurt. You can always give him some space and see what he does with it. That will tell you more about where he's coming from. But more than anything else, Sonal, know that this isn't about you, this is about him. You haven't done anything wrong, and there isn't anything wrong with you! When someone isn't right for us and we refuse to let them go, sometimes life takes matters in its own hands and helps to release the hold we have on something that isn't right for us, that doesn't honor or love us in the way we deserve to be loved. Only you know what you need to do here, but choose you; your peace and happiness is what matters here, you're what matters!