I know. It’s hard to hear it.
We want it to work so badly.
It’s got all the makings of a real relationship if he were ready to commit.
But that’s the thing. He’s not and you are. And that’s why it’s over before it even begins.
I know, you’re thinking if you just give it some time, he’ll come around. But I’ve been right where you are enough times to know that it doesn’t get any better.
Really.
As much as you want to believe it, it’s really not worth the time to find out if it might by some remote chance turn around. It usually just gets worse.
But here's the thing. He’s not a bad guy – he just doesn’t have the heart to tell you it’s not happening.
And it’s not because of you either. In face, you’d probably be perfect for him – if a committed relationship is what he was looking for.
But he’s not.
And you are.
And somehow, this casual dating thing you’ve begun with him just isn’t pointing you both in the same direction.
He’s running scared, trying to keep it just casual because that’s all he’s capable of (he just usually doesn’t have the words to be honest with you like this), and you’re doing the opposite, coming closer because his aloofness is making this all that more attractive to you.
It’s triggering your subconscious belief that you can change him and make him ready for a committed relationship with you. A belief that you probably didn’t even know was there.
Check out Robin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much – it’s all in there.
That book gave me such insight into this phenomenon and why it happens that it’s worth picking up a copy just to save your sanity. And get you out of there before you get caught up in trying to save something that isn’t there in the first place.
I know firsthand how hard it is to cut your losses.
You’re thinking if you can just hold out a little longer; show him more of just how amazing you are, he’ll come around.
And know this: you are amazing. That much we know.
The thing you need to remind yourself is that what the relationship is to you, it’s just not to him. And as much as you don’t want to believe it, you need to. To save yourself. From a whole lot of pain.
Because, trust me on this one.
If it’s going to work, you need a guy who wants it to.
Pretty simple, I know. But not so simple when it's your reality and you don't want it to be.
And it only gets more complicated the more you try to hang on.
Remember, he’s not a bad guy, and you’re still all that. It’s just not a match. And it’s OK. You're going to be OK.
If it helps, remember that if it’s meant to be, the two of you will be together some day.
That’s how it works.
It’s just not now. With him. Or you. And you know it. It’s just hard to hear it. I know.
Just always remember that you’re worth it. You deserve someone who’s ready for you. Not years from now, but right now.
So forget the waiting around part. It only leads to more waiting around. And that’s not what you deserve.
You deserve the real thing.
Hi jane im in a relationship im 16 years older then him we are best mates i love him he says he loves me we live together its been 12months now we are good together on almost most levels of our relationship but a couple the biggest one being youmger women we all notive a nice looking person walk past but my guy doesn't just look and get on with it he takes a second look a third look etc i have brought this up but he brushes it of saying it's nothing that he looks at everything i told him it hurts especially because they are always in there 20s im in my 40s and thought it might change because he lobes me right? And he knows it hurts but it hasn't changed also he doesn't believe in marriage he has said he won't even think about marrying me i wonder if that's because im not the one for him and he is just comfortable we don't have a a romantic intimate relationship sure tgere is sex but it always just feels like sex we have had many conversations he says not to over think it he loves me only me but i still don't feel secure i have started to be judging of myself more then i should my looks my body im loosing my happiness i don't know how to fix this any advice would be appreciated thanks
I can tell you this, I have my best friend, who saved me from a man who I left (because he was cheating on me and I walked in on him and a girl 30 years younger than we both were - and she wanted something from him he could easily get, drugs. No matter he is back in the joint now.) and basically who had physically abused me as well. I fell for this man, my best friend and my ex arch enemy, and after about six months or so, I couldn't stand it so I wanted to find out how he felt. He told me that I misread his signs, that he didn't want anything more than friendship and I said okay. Prior to that he would call and say come over. He wanted to stay friends and that was okay but I wasn't going to make an idiot of myself and meet his "new" girlfriend. So, I started going out with another circle of friends. He would then call and say he missed me, etc. I don't think he had too many friends who were not thieves, etc. I work and work hard, as does he but he has some weird friends I tell you. Anyhow, he asked me over for Christmas, said there was no one else he wanted to spend it more with and the same for New Years. We had sex 2 years ago almost and nothing since. I was doing lots with him and he got someone else to work with, now he comes over 5 days a week for maybe an hour. He is either working or sleeping. Five months ago, we did almost everything together and now he has this male friend he works with and I was jealous of that guy for a while, lol, but now after much thought and not anger but disgust mostly at myself, I stopped texting, after I sent a I don't want to be friends anymore text and he went into panic mode. He won't commit but he won't let go. I've decided he makes the best damn brother I never had. He is a great person but I have enough of my own problems and I can love him without being in love with him. Thank God I can compartmentalize my heart, have to because if I didn't I would break down from a broken heart and this heart has hurt way too many times. Maybe I will never love again but I can't be unhappy because my head lives in a dream world that no one either wants to or can get into. I have to learn only I can provide my own happiness and I don't need any man for sex (I don't tell them that for the most part but if I remind myself of that I can stop hurting -- and believe it or not, I don't hurt!)
I like to listen to you. I have noticed that you haven't posted a YouTube video for over a year. May I ask why? I would like to get more information about working with you.
I'll be back on YouTube soon, Janine. So many competing priorities in my work to empower women around the world but stay tuned! And if you'd like more info on working with me, check out my "work with me" page here https://gettingtotruelove.com/work-with-me/, or send me an email. I love hearing from you!
I had an on off relationship for a few years. The relationship and him were wonderful in many ways, the problem was his boundaries with other women; these were exes who he told so many lies about. This affected any kind of commitment for years. I became friends with one of his exes when we split up (that may sound bizarre) he treated her the same which was the reason why she left.
Since the last time we split he had a relationship with someone else. I found that this website and friends got me through that, it had always been I who walked but this time he actually left me for her. It hurt so much. I got through it and felt amazing for it.
Now he is back again, the relationship didn't work out and he is professing his undying love for me saying he was very angry with me and he has behaved terribly etc etc he says he has worked out why he behaves the way he does and his words certainty sound probable. I don't want him back. I am keeping him hanging on though. . I know this is hurting him as his family are also telling me how upset etc he is. My feeling is that he cant be alone. If he really loved me he would let me go and work on himself, like I did. The way I moved on was to get to a point where I wished him well and blessed his new relationship. It was next to impossible but I did it. I burned and deleted photos and blocked any reminder of him.
The issue now is feeling sorry for him! I had ignored him for months. I succumbed to contact as has been diagnosed with an illness which he is having treatment for. Now I feel I cant cut him off. I am also afraid that he may emotionally manipulate me with this illness. He is now offering marriage and saying it is only I he wants to be with and that I could book it!
I am wondering if anyone has been in this position?
I haven't been in that position, but I can offer my perspective. Feeling sorry for him means you're a kind person, that's all. It doesn't mean you have feelings for him and it is not a good reason for you to do anything he may want you to do. As you wisely pointed out, it would be manipulative of him to use his illness to get you back and it's a terrible way to start any relationship.
We don't know what it is that's going on with him, but him begging and pleading does not sound mature and does not sound like a person who has worked out his issues nor someone who respects other people's reasons to say no.
Please keep taking care of yourself. Keep being the kind person you are, but stick to your intuition and to doing only what's best for you no matter what.
What does your gut tell you? Brutally honest?
We always know deep down what this all is.
Keep working on your boundaries and on putting yourself first.
Good luck.
One more thing: don't let his family corner you into anything. Not his family, not friends, not anyone. I hope that is not what is happening but we women tend to be blamed by everyone for the failures of men and that is not fair to us.
Boundaries. Boundaries with people are always key.
Thank you so much Angel, your words have given me insight and yes it does always come back to boundaries with me. I think it is invaluable hearing someone telling you as it is, so much gets tangled in emotion. Intuition, gut instinct and boundaries. Thank you ?
I left my ex because I caught him cheating, pulling a gun on me, fracturing my back by slamming me against the wall did make me stop loving him but cheating----after him saying how important the truth was and integrity...that man would not know honesty, I take that back, he knows me and I am honest to a fault most of the time.
I don't think it gets better with time, stresses come in and it just gets worse. See, they know that they want a good person, "a wife" but they have someone else for everything else. When you get ignored when they say they will call...I just want to know how much can a heart really take of the drama you put upon it because some people just are not good together. I reached my endpoint and life really seems to suck right now, but my heart is not tearing apart every day and that is way too painful for me to handle anymore.
The heart was never meant to take what we put it through. But I'm guessing you already knew the answer to your question. Much love to you, sweet soul. It gets better when you're free, even if that freedom doesn't feel like you thought it would right now. Stay with us!
Hey Jane..first I would like to thank you for ur videos..it's very helpful for many of us...well, I been dating a guy for 2 years but I never felt that we were in the same page emotionally! I loved him so much but he didn't I was like a pass time for him... I always wanted to end the relationship but never could. Never could imagine how I'm going to continue without him especially that we used to talk daily and about everything. .but lately he started ignoring me, not replying. ..and after that he told me that it's better for us to break up and that was very though for me and now I'm trying to get over it and move on but I'm still thinking about him a lot and don't know what should I do?
i have known this guy for nearly 5 years as i met him at the train station 11 Dec 2010 & he was quite nice. on the 13 Dec 2010 he accepted me as a friend on FB and from 2011 - now i've had convos with this guy and this year i wasn't so needy as the footy season ended he stopped messaging me & i'm always the 1 messaging him on FB whereas in the past it's always been him
over the weekend i gave him 1 greeting n the same old greeting "what's up :)" & i waited 15mins and he went offline n yesterday i asked him something different like How's things n he says "Good Thanks, How are U" i say i'm really well n asked him about halloween. today he did the same thing to me on saturday but he came on 2x. on round 2 on him going online i said nothing
i feel like i'm obsessed & needy with him as in my past i've pushed a few guys i liked away n 1 didn't come back. but with this 1 hasn't removed me from FB n i guess the longer friendship the beta n i guess that''s the reason i'm still friends with him on FB. when he comes online i get tempted to talk to him n when he talks back at me i smile and there has been long convos n short/brief convos
i would like to move forward with him in dating but i'm too scared to do it coz it could push him away. How can i keep him without pushing him away?
i'm thinking of asking him to my xmas party on 5 dec but my family n best friends ask me to tell him in person but idk how to approach him but others say invite him on FB. how can i do that without scaring him away
Hi Jane,
This article is where I am at.... this guy sends me so many mixed signals. We're friends for a year now, I developed feelings which at first I was mad at myself.... we talk to each other everyday, more than once. He knows I have feelings for him and when we spoke about it he said he is not where he is in life to give back to me. He did not get the opportunity to expand his academic qualifications due to his family's situation back then. With my encouragement he is currently pursuing private classes. I told myself that it is obvious he doesn't want what I want and therefore I had to let go gracefully. I explained to him and for a week thereafter we had no contact. Then he called me and told me that everything he has achieved thus far is because of me and I am his biggest support system and that he cannot do without me. I am an attorney and he didn't finish high school. I get judged by friends for falling for him..... but his material wealth doesn't matter to me. We have had very deep conversations and one minute he is suggesting that we have a future then next minute I am confused, I know this means we have nothing and that I must move on.
I have opened myself to meeting new guys but thing is I don't know if I should be a friend because alot of the things he is trying to achieve right now is because I brought him there and I feel as though I'd be abandoning him and as I said i want this to be a graceful let go....... I have made many attempts to have the let go conversation and to date it has not happened.... I am so disappointed in myself cause I have the "waiting around" syndrome. I know he is not going to come around, I am very confused as to how guys can want to be just friends when they know the other has grown feelings for them. I could get past these feelings, I know it but I'm not sure whether I should keep him as friend or not............
We do the most damage to our beautiful selves when we are so hard on ourselves, Kailash. Don't be disappointed or mad at yourself; you've done the best you could with where you've been at. Sometimes the things that trigger us seem to take on a life of their own. You're human, my beautiful friend, and you're so not alone here.
These men can stay friends very easily because it keeps us attached to them in some small way, in a way that is very comfortable for them because they are only capable of that small amount. But you, on the other hand, can put yourself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak by staying friends with someone that you want more from. That "waiting around" syndrome, as you so aptly call it, doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend. It's time to stop waiting and start living. It's nothing drastic; it's simply you focusing on you, living your own life and filling it up with people and things that support you and give you a renewed energy and a love for your life with or without a man. When you live like this, when you truly embrace yourself and the concept that you are the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around, what he does or doesn't do becomes inconsequential to your life.
There's a difference between giving up too soon and giving up too much, Kailash. Always know that it takes two people on the same page to make any kind of a relationship work. You're the prize, my beautiful friend; remember that. You're not the waiting kind. Know that if someone is finally ready for the commitment you've been hoping for, you'll be the first to know and then you can decide what you want to do with that. But don't wait for it. You get this, you know all the sad, heartbroken stories of what waiting has done to the best of us. It's not about money or material things; you'll know if he's truly worthy of you by how he treats you.
You're the prize, my beautiful friend. You don't ever need to prove anything to anyone by waiting around for someone to choose you!
Thank You for this article!!! But what do you do when he was a good friend of four years and approached you with an interest and in the beginning both let it be known what the other wanted, me (committed relationship), him (non-committed), but both wanting to move forward into a committed relationship down the line. Now four months later and after his many mixed signals and actions between non-committed and committed, confusion and butting heads begins and now possibly a good friendship is lost... *tears*
My heart goes out to you, Butterfly; it's so hard to accept that this is how it ends up after what must have seemed like such potential, such movement in the same direction for both of you. And yet, my beautiful friend, as hard as it is to accept; if he is not there, if his mixed signals have come down to where the two of you are seeing that you are not on the same page, and you have tried to work through this, then it becomes about you doing what you need to do for the beautiful woman known as you.
What you do, Butterfly, is choose you. Choose to do whatever brings you the most peace and calm, choose what will give you the least amount of regret. Choose to accept what you cannot change. If you cannot make him love you, and you can't make him commit to you, then focus on doing what you can do. Honoring and respecting and loving that beautiful woman you are who deserves someone who is on the same page and wants the same thing as you do. That's what love is about; and you can't make it happen if he's not there, no matter how much time and energy and love you have invested - as hard as that is to hear.
It's never about what could be or what might be or what should be, as much as we want to believe those things, but it is always about reality. I know it's so hard to see that right now, Butterfly, but if you've done all you can, let it go, let it be. If someone is right for you, it will be again, but only if he's there, only if you're both on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Let your tears flow, let them heal you as you go through this, and please know that you are not alone, that you never go through this alone, that there is always someone who understands and feels your pain. You will get through this, Butterfly, by taking baby steps, by being ever so gentle on yourself, and by knowing you've done all you can. Much love to you, my beautiful friend; you will get through this, too.
Thank you so much for your encouragement...I have been single by choice for 10 years after a long-term and unhealthy relationship of 14 years where I finally let it go and walked away. I took those years to be with myself and heal myself so that I would be that good woman for the right time. And now because this was a person who I considered a friend and that blinded me I feel like I went right back to that unhealthy relationship. As I told the guy when we started having issues, if he knew he wasn't ready for a committed relationship he shouldn't have approached someone who he considered a friend and found a stranger, that way nothing as valuable would be at risk.
Thank you for the kind words and I know I have to move on. Will be hard since we both are a part of a big social party network and will run into each other at times, but I've done it before and survived and I'll do it again. Keep the great articles coming. 🙂