Our beautiful friend, Fome, is afraid she’s chased away her guy by becoming clingy, needy and acting desperate. Has she?
Here’s her story …
Dear Jane,
I just recently found your blog and it feels like every single topic you have addressed, you are speaking directly to me.
I recently got introduced to this guy through a mutual friend, around September this year. He stays abroad so we haven't met physically. We Skype everyday.
We hit it off immediately.
We both knew we wanted something serious. After about a month of talking everyday. We were already making plans to see. We talk freely about the future, settling and all.
I really like him.
When we first started. The calls were a lot frequent. We could Skype for 10hrs at a stretch on a work free day. It was beautiful.
Then later the calls began to reduce.
I started feeling like something was wrong. I confronted him, he assured me everything was fine, hes just a little busy.
Instead of giving him a little space. In my head I started cooking up stuff. Crying becoming clingy, needy and acting desperate. He says I am behaving like a child and he's starting to see me for who I really am.
We had planned for me to travel to the country where he stays in February next year to visit.
I think I have overdone it and he's beginning to feel differently about me.
Have I completely chased him away? What can I do to gain my self respect again and make it right?
Please help me
Fome
My Response:
Dear Fome,
I’m so glad you found your way here.
It’s no wonder you feel like I’m speaking directly to you, because I could have written such similar words to yours in a time not so long ago.
You’re not alone.
When everything begins with that magical beginning and he’s so very attentive, so happy to talk so freely with you, and then suddenly, there is that change, and we’re triggered on so many levels.
Instead of going with the flow, instead of giving him that space you speak of, we go to that opposite place.
Overthinking. Analyzing. Creating stories in our head. Cooking up stuff, as you say.
Yes, we do act like little girls – scared little girls – responding to the prospect of rejection and abandonment in the only way we know how to. Not very gracefully. Not in a self-respecting way. Not in a way we’re proud of.
But sometimes, in the only way we can.
Yes, he is starting to see you for who you really are. But that’s nothing to be afraid of either.
It only reveals what’s been hiding underneath, afraid to come out, afraid to be seen. We can only keep that part of ourselves hidden for so long before she makes enough noise for us to see her, to notice her, to see that she needs something from us.
It’s that little girl inside who gets triggered when she senses there’s been a change, when she feels out of control, when she feels like she might be losing this best thing she’s found. If it wasn’t now, it would be another time down the road because this isn’t a part of us we ever want to see, let alone admit to.
We’re ashamed to admit we have this side of us. After all, it doesn’t fit with the image we’ve so painstakingly constructed on the outside of us.
But this is exactly why it’s happening now! Before we go any further with this facade. Before we miss out anymore on the rich experiences of life and love when we bring this part of ourselves to the surface so we can do the work we’re being triggered to do, no matter how much we don’t want to.
Stand up tall, Fome. Stand in your beautiful, radiant power.
It’s there, deep within you.
It’s never, ever too late to make it right with someone who’s truly right for you. Give him that space. Let him come to you. This is your time to discover you.
Go out and give yourself a pampering like you deserve. Whether it be a new outfit, a new haircut, some kind of spa treatment, or a day out doing something you’ve been putting off doing for you, go do it.
Show yourself you’re special. Show yourself what you deserve. Feel your beautiful feminine essence come alive within you. Maybe even some pretty lingerie for your eyes only right now. Not yet for any him.
And then find a beautiful pen that feels pretty in your hands, and a journal or writing pad that you can picture yourself writing on as well. It’s time to bring out the little girl and allow her to take the stage.
Literally, and figuratively.
The world’s your oyster, Fome. Where do you want to take her? What does she want to see? What does she want to do? Who does she want to become?
Write out her dreams, her fears, the life she longs to create for herself. Take her dancing, take her to shows, take her out around children and animals and all kinds of nature. Allow her to let down her hair and be true to herself and see that the world doesn’t pull back around her because she’s too much or not enough.
We have to find the ones who want us, not the ones who we want to make want us.
We have to be open to being loved by the ones capable of loving us, not the ones who we have to make love us. How can we come across to someone else as something of value if we don’t first value who we are, including all the things we call our flaws, our weaknesses, as well as our assets?
How can we give off the energy of being someone who’s beautiful, confident, and radiant if we have no idea that we intrinsically are?
We live a lie that we fight so hard to protect when we’re only focused on keeping the truth out about who we really are. We don’t have to hold on so tightly if we recognize that we don’t want someone we have to corral into our lives, we want the ones who freely want to be there.
No matter how much we want the ones who seem to hold the key to our happiness, we need to become open to seeing that the ones that scared little girl inside wants, may be someone entirely different than what the beautiful, radiant, confident woman wants when she’s soothed the little girl enough for her to calm her fears.
It takes time to get to know someone, Fome.
Don’t be afraid of time and space. You haven’t even met him yet. You don’t know yet if he’s all that you think he is or all that he says he is.
You want someone real.
Someone you can say, "sometimes I get scared" to and not worry about him running away. This is why it’s so important to build relationships slowly, so that you can say these words when they’re naturally appropriate, not before we know if it’s safe to say them.
If there’s more to come with him, there will be.
But if this is a deal breaker for him, let him be who he is and do what he needs to do. He’ll see the you who’s going to emerge from within as you take care of this little girl inside you.
Do it for you, not for him. You’re doing the choosing and you only want someone who has eyes and a heart to love and adore the real you!
Love,
Jane
What about you? Ever been here before? Share your thoughts with Fome in the comments. Sometimes we can see so clearly what’s anything but clear to someone else.
Lola says
It's been 4 years since, I wonder what ever happened to you. Did he ever come back? Did you heal?
Jessica says
Thank you for this!!
My guy isn’t giving me mixed signals but he’s not giving me enough and I feel bad for feeling like I need more confirmation from him. He’s attentive and he’s always calling me and talking to me but I feel like that emotional part is missing. I want him to tell me how he feels about me. Also we’ve been dating for 5 mos and he’s still not sure about a relationship. This is the part I think that makes me feel insecure. Lately I’ve been doing things like getting a bit more clingy and demanding that he reply to me faster. I was able to be honest with him and acknowledge that it was my own uncertainty about our relationship status that is provoking this insecure behavior. At first he was understanding but then he told me that I was doing too much. It’s hard because all I want to know is that we are still on track to being together. I feel emotionally naked and vulnerable right now because I’m getting close to him while he’s still thinking things through. I want to feel like he likes me and I want to hear him say it. I want to feel like we are getting closer together. I feel bad for wanting more because he does a lot for me. He really does put in effort to talk to me and make time for me. But the words that I want to hear are missing. I just want to hear him say anything about how I make him feel. That would ease the insecurity a lot! Or for him to tell me anything about out relationship status. Even if he tells me that he isn’t ready for a relationship anymore. At least I’ll have something. At least I’ll have an answer.
Angel says
Take your power back. Take a step back, go back to being you, your own life, your friends, your family, your passions, and have some distance from him. Give him and yourself some space and you'll get clearer on what decisions to make for yourself. Reading your message, it sounds as if you've lost sight of yourself and the fact that you make decisions too. A relationship cannot be only on his terms. Yours matter too. Get clear on those. A red flag: feeling "clingy" or "needy" or feeling "bad" about wanting what you want. Not a good sign.
Jane says
There's a reason they're missing. There's a reason he can't tell you that. And that reason has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. Don't you dare take this on you. There's always a reason you feel insecure!
Lynette says
Fome and Jane:
I may have a slightly different thought process about this, or maybe you are saying the same thing? If we are to embrace who we are (the perceived "goods" and perceived "bads"), than to me, that includes being insecure too. In other words, I'm learning through so much reading on this site, that loving ourself is of the utmost importance. I had an epiphany about this earlier - that in the past, I have only loved the parts of me that were perceived as "good" and I tried to change the parts of me that were perceived as "bad". And I think that's what led me from one dysfunctional relationship to the next - and from one depression to the next. Even after a recent sad ending, I sat here and picked myself apart asking if my insecurities and fears ended our relationship b/c I don't remember being insecure 9 years ago when we met. Did he watch the woman he loved fall apart and that's why we are no longer together? I could struggle with this question for days, but what's the point? I am who I am! And to be honest, I really don't think I've changed all that much. I think my problem before was posing to be something I wasn't. "Independent, in control, driven, self-sufficient." (Those words fail to describe the "real" me!) I was programmed to believe that's what it took to land a good man. I figured no one wanted a woman who was actually only driven out of survival. I didn't love being driven and independent! But that's how I represented myself figuring I'd be single forever otherwise. So for years, I had to fight off the parts of me that I considered "bad" or "unattractive" to the other sex. No wonder I am exhausted and depressed! I wasn't being authentic. And when I started to be authentic in my relationship, we had problems. Probably b/c I wasn't the person he thought I was. (yes, he's said those exact words to me).
This is quite an epiphany. So I just sat down and wrote a description of myself. I don't know if this will help anyone, but it was profound for me to write it and the sun shined a little brighter when I was finished....
Me: I have mood swings, usually caused by external conditions like the energy of an environment or the mood of others around me. I am emotional and seem to be getting more emotional with the years. Not necessarily sad, I cry when inspired, happy, sad, and in a state of sheer joy. I have insecurities and abandonment triggers, therefore I love to be validated, as a matter of fact, validation seems to wipe away my insecurities.
I love hard and deep and love the same from others. My confidence soars in the company of confident people who accept each other for exactly who they are. I love to dote over people and be doted over. I've been through some wicked sh*t yet have the knack to see the silver lining. Yet sometimes I still cry over past losses. My mind drifts often. I am a dreamer. I love sitting in my car alone by a welcoming park and write in my journal. I tend to over analyze myself - this is how I grow and learn and feel better about myself and others. I tend to be a loner, but that's only because I have few people I can relate to. In a good relationship, we are practically inseparable. I listen deeply and am happiest when I'm heard and understood in return.
I'm not comfortable dressing up or wearing heels and panty hose. Yet in the warmer months, I love wearing flip flops with a dress that flatters my figure. I'm not much into jewelry. I have a few favorite items but forget to wear them most of the time. I like makeup just to brighten up my face but I wear so little you can hardly tell it's there. I get a bit stressed being indoors for too many hours, but an open window or door relieves that stress. Even in freezing temperatures, I open the window just a crack to stay connected to nature.
I can't say whether I'm a hard-worker or not. I work hard on things I love, like journaling or reading or understanding relationship dynamics and human interaction. Maybe I'll make money at that some day and that's why it stokes my interest so much. As for "real work" that makes money, I have a few careers and tend to procrastinate on each, but when I get in the flow, I can get so into my work that I lose track of time and forget to eat.
I don't need to change the world anymore, nor save anyone, nor change myself. I simply want to live in peace and love myself and share my life with someone who would be honored to be with a woman who enjoys being taken care of. I've spent several decades taking care of others and putting everyone else first and I'll be honest, I'm just not interested in doing that anymore. That doesn't make me lazy or uncaring. That's far from the truth of who I am. I am active and passionate and I care deeply, but i have worked long and hard on boundaries and have finally learned how to put myself first.
I may have been confused with who I was up until now and therefore either attracted the wrong people, or failed to live up to the person I represented myself to be. Either way, I forgive myself for it and I now embrace every aspect of me. My insecurities, my sensitivities, my emotions, my lack of routine, my day dreaming, my sadness over endings, my seeing the highest potential in people, my tendency to idolize people, my tendency to believe in fantasies and my true believe in miracles.
The man who will embrace all of this will be extremely lucky. He'll know he hit the jackpot and will experience passion, devotion and love that he never thought possible. He's in for fun and laughs and adventures and a view into a whole different world.
Deborah says
I have an update to my situation. I commented earlier in this thread that I had a guy who was starting to show signs of pulling away. This caused me great anxiety and distress because our relationship is only 2 months old. I felt like I didn't know how to tell him his behavior is hurting me without sounding needy. I was browsing through YouTube and came across a video blog on what to do when a guy pulls away and came across a really good one from a guy who is advising that the most powerful thing you can do to gain his respect and your own is to stand up for your rights and tell him clearly what you want or expect. So when for a second night in a row my guy was blowing me off, I was finally able to get him on the phone. I was very friendly and upbeat and I had no intentions of breaking up with him. I just needed to know if he was still feeling the relationship and that if he was to continue calling me his girlfriend, that we would need to keep the connection alive by staying in touch each and every day especially since our relationship is long distance. Well, it was a long conversation and out of it I was able to find out that he doesn't know how he feels about me. He likes me but doesn't know if he has more to give and he wants to focus on work. I was just blown away and really kind of pissed off at his flippant attitude. Our two months together were seriously amazing and mind blowing and we got along great. So apparently we were not on the same page. I simply told him if he couldn't promise to be in touch every day from his heart, not out of a duty or chore, that this relationship no longer works for me. He did not put up any arguments to change my mind or try to say he cared enough to do this small thing I ask of him. I never once raised my voice or cried or got emotional. I just laid it out on the line and put the ball in his court. At the end of the convo was a dead silence and I told him so I guess this is good bye? Still silence, then he said all right. Heart breaking but very empowering. I was feeling kind of angry that he can so coldly and callously dismiss our relationship because he couldn't meet my small demand to stay in touch each day. Some girls might think this is too needy but it's what I need to feel the connection and I have to stay true to myself. I'm feeling numb right now 🙁
Angel says
It's not needy at all, in fact, you were asking for too little.
A man who doesn't even live near you, who prefers to focus on work and who even could just call you every day is offering way too little to any self respecting woman looking for a meaningful relationship.
Start thinking about yourself and what you truly want. When you're clear on that, accept to go out only with men who are looking for the same thing you are and are interested in you.
Don't be afraid of being honest, vulnerable, real and direct. If a guy can't handle that, he's not who you're looking for.
Pay attention to the actions of a man, much more than his words. Both things have to match. Men show themselves through their efforts.
Deborah says
Amen to that! I think a girl can tend to doubt her decision to walk when she doesn't want to. All of the dating coaches and relationship blogs seem to support the theory that the woman has to cater to his need for space all the while disregarding our needs. It's BS. Our needs should be considered too!
Jessica says
I’m in the same situation now except we are not in a relationship yet and I’m feeling insecure because I don’t know where we stand. A part of me feels like I’m rushing things and that I should take it slower like he suggested but the other part of me feels like I am ready now and I am sure about him now and if he isn’t then maybe it is time to end things. I sent him a message and he said he needs to think. Usually nothing good comes from those moments where men need to “think.” Maybe it was just never right to begin with and I have to accept that.
Kelly says
I have been struggling with this issue with the same guy for over three years now. We have broken up several times and we just keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep thinking that when I get my stuff together that the relationship will fall into place. It is a lie. We still never have plans on weekends, but he seems to be able to make plans with everyone else on the planet. I have tried talking to him about it and he just doesn't get it or just doesn't care. Finally on New Years Eve, 10:00 at night, I got really upset. I told him it is dating 101 to have plans on that night and he just came up with excuses and said that our relationship is a roller coaster of emotions (me). At this point I feel like "friends with benefits" is the term that best describes us. I hope I am getting closer to walking away, but it is hard. He goes out of his way to do really nice things for me-fixes my car, calls me almost every night..it is just that they aren't the things that make me feel like he is into me. I can't figure out if what I want is unreasonable. I feel like I am going to be too old to find anyone when I finally get up the courage to end it for good.
Selina says
Omg, I cannot believe how appropriate this is to me right now. The very same thing has just happened to me. I got insecure, actually about something that deserved that insecurity, and he distanced himself leaving me feeling devastated. Luckily Iv only been with him for 3 months but still feel so upset. As always Jane, ur words really make sense and I know are so true. It's just hard to put into action and I want frome to know she's not the only one.
Selina
Jane says
So glad it makes sense, Selina. Thank you for adding your reassurance to the conversation!
Fran says
Be authentic. Talk to reveal yourself, not to manipulate. The very least you'll get is the person's respect. And concern yourself with meeting your needs. If you feel the need to communicate, do so. Trying to second-guess another person is crazy-making. Ask if you have a question. Being authentic cuts to the chase. A man who is into you will love you all the more for it. A man who is not that into you will respect you. Only a man not worthy of you will not realise how cool you are.
Jane says
Exactly, Fran! "Being authentic cuts to the chase. A man who is into you will love you all the more for it. A man who is not that into you will respect you."
Angel says
I think the right question would be: why do I act this insecure? What's triggering me? What have I not resolved inside myself?
As Jane in other words put it, he was just there to trigger what you need to see and handle within you.
Take this as a call from your inner world for you to go inwards and feel pain you have buried in there.
When you focus on your inner peace and getting to know yourself, what he does or doesn't do stops being the center of your universe, as needs to be.
It's OK, don't regret anything because all these experiences though tough are necessary to awaken and learn.
You're not the first, nor the last nor even the only girl who has acted how you did. We all have at some point in our lives.
So be kind to yourself, have compassion and understanding for you. As for him, let him be.
Elisia says
It's easy to get wrapped in the world of Skype and start fantasizing about how amazing a person can be someone's never met. Then becoming insecure when things suddenly turn different.
Speaking from experience, insecurity is not something that ever really goes away. (although I'm not old enough to know for sure), but it does get better little by little. It is a very long process. I conjure up things too in my mind then I have to tell myself out loud to stop doing that or whatever pep talk i come up with. it's hard. It's a constant battle with myself, I can be my own worst enemy. The trigger? always the same thing: guy issues, the future, etc. Ugh it's so draining it gives me a headache. Last night, I didn't sleep much cuz I was thinking about if I should plan to live my life child free or should I have just one so at least when I'm old there is going to be someone who'd call me to see how I am...or is that too selfish? Life is complicated.
Jane says
Exactly, Angel. We so often miss this part - "When you focus on your inner peace and getting to know yourself, what he does or doesn't do stops being the center of your universe, as needs to be."
Annie says
What I have learned is that if the person is interested there wont be conflicts like this and he will genuinely want to keep in contact with you.
I think we start panicking when we sense there is something wrong. It is of course important to stay calm then but many times it is also the situation where you start seeing clearly where it is leading to.
I wish you all the best! Althoug I havent met the right one yet, I think I'm step closer and wiser than before thanks to the frogs I have learned from.?
Jane says
You are, Annie! 🙂
Deborah says
Oh, I can relate all too familiar with this scenario. It seems to be a recurring theme in my past relationships. There of course is the honeymoon phase where it's all sweetness and butterflies and excitement to be together. Then when it starts to wear off, usually from him first, then sets in the doubt and insecurity. I look back on my last relationship and think I may have sabotaged it by letting him know about how crappy it made me feel when he didn't get back to me or come over when he said he would. But now with the perspective of 20/20 hindsight, the relationship was coming to an end and I was just refusing to accept it. He was slowly exiting the relationship for whatever reasons that I will don't understand to this day. But my point is had I not told him that I felt him pulling away, I truly believe he would have pulled away anyway. I was feeling so damn crappy I figured if he loved me enough or cared enough he would care to find out what was bothering me and help make it right if he could. The right person can't be scared away that easily, bottom line. I'm currently in another relationship and sometimes I feel that he is too busy for me and I start to feel the feeling of anxiety or doubt... at this point I'm going off of my instincts that this guy is still in the game and is honestly just being busy with his life. There's a fine shade of distinction. I just don't want to tell him that I get filled with anxiety and a little crushed when he ignores me all day. It's only been two months, so maybe best to keep this to myself. If he gets extremely rude and flat out does not return a call or a text for longer than a day, then I will deal with that then. It is a tough call though sometimes!!
Jane says
Exactly, Deborah. What's there is always there - regardless of what you do or say. Given enough time, we come to see the truth that someone always does what works for them, what they're comfortable with, and what they want to do, whether or not they have input from you!
Kim says
I gave a man the space that he needed for months because I was afraid of looking clingy . All that did was give him power. After all was said and he done and broke things off to pursue a serious relationship with someone else. They have been together for over a year now. I want to kick myself for being afraid of looking clingy and protecting myself, instead i bought into the whole "give him space" thing. Never again. Two people have different things that they need and expect and if those needs aren't being met then one person should walk away. The end.
Alesheia says
Thank you for sharing. I can absolutely relate to your story. Recently, I've come to an essential insight on this, through experience and reflection. I think sometimes we don't realize the terms we use come with an experience, as well. "Giving space and time" and "not looking clingy" are all about the experience FOR YOU. If we miss this very important piece, it just becomes another role we play called "I want to be perceived by another as 'this or that.'" Very rarely is it an authentic expression, when it comes from a place of hiding what we really feel and want to express. In my own experience, when I "feel" in my body the neediness that comes from fear of abandonment and loss, I practice listening to that part of me and not abandoning myself, first. The goal is not to fix it or judge it...just feel it to completion in my body. It will not last, but this is a continual practice for me that requires lots of care and attention that I give myself. Then, if or when I do express to another person, I don't worry about how it will be received, how long it's been, or what will happen b/c it is authentic. Therefore, no games or regret ensues. At that point, I get to choose and, subsequently, so do they. That is freedom for me, and I know that the desired result is the experience of peace and relief within myself. It's one of the best gifts I have ever given myself and one I can return to again and again. I hope my expression ignites your awesome expression in 2016. Lots and lots of love to you!
Jane says
Beautifully said, Aleisha. Thank you for adding to the conversation here. It is such an important piece! Happy Beautiful New Year to you!
Jane says
Never be afraid to show someone who you are, Kim. You are beautiful inside and out - and you will be loved and adored for that beautiful self by someone who's truly right for you! We live and learn, it wouldn't have changed the outcome or made him a fit for you. He was always going to be and do what worked for him, regardless of whether you gave him that space or not. Let this go! You're worth so much more than this regret you're carrying around with you. We live and we learn and we find out more about ourselves, more about what we can live with and what we can't, and more about what it means to truly accept and love every part of ourselves including every single needy, clingy tendency we have. It's experiences like these that bring us closer to the kind of love we're looking for, the kind of love you absolutely deserve!
Lola says
This is exactly where i'm at right now.
Michelle Cloutier says
I am so glad I had this to read this morning before I gave in to my impulse on calling or texting yet again a man that I ''want'' to be right for me, but who keeps giving me mixed messages and disappears on me each time he starts to open the door to me a little more. So I will hold back (at least for 24 hours) before contacting this man again. It hurts to be ignored when you see the man on Facebook but he wont take the time to answer my texts... That I re-read... and I honestly feel they are not too clingy or desperate... just expressing concern about mixed messages.
I will allow myself to be disappointed, a bit sad, but I will take care of myself today and I will not put my self-Worth into this person's hands...
2016 is a new beginning... If this man does not make his way back to me, the next step when meeting a new man, is to recognize red flags and act on them from the start when I see I'm faced with a commitment phobic man... Not waste any time on giving chances... Time and space yes... to a man who shows a true interest in me... Leaving him some freedom... But not to the point of ignoring all my own needs. Finding that balance... And investing more in myself, even if I do feel lonely sometimes...
It's hard, and it is a work in progress, but I'm not giving up... on loving myself! 🙂
Michelle
Jane says
Exactly, Michelle! Above all else, what you do - or choose not to do - has to be about what you can live with. Only you know what that is! What happens in that space you give him doesn't change who he is or what you need, it simply gives you a clearer picture of whether he's going to pursue you to fill in that space, or if he's simply content to let that space be. Don't put your self-worth into anyone else's hands except your own - you're worth is never measurable by what someone else chooses to do - or not to do with you! Happy New Year! 🙂