One of our beautiful readers, Tulip, was in a short relationship that seemed to be going really well, then he suddenly become emotionally distant and broke it off. She's wondering what went wrong.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane.
Just recently I have broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half.
He was a total jerk to me.
Never had the time to come see me when he had time (we lived two hours away from each other) and never wanted to talk on the phone with me. Although a year and a half may not seem long to some people, but it's my longest and you can say, I loved him.
But he just wasn't that committed to this relationship and it was hard for me to break up with him and let go because I will be the one that hurts more and knowing that it won't startle him a bit if we break up, just makes me so angry and sad that I continue to make myself miserable by staying with him.
It wasn't until I met another guy that made me realize I had so much more potential by myself than I ever will with my boyfriend at the time.
This new guy, let's call him Tinman, made me laugh, interacted with me and told me about all his adventures that he has had (note: I'm 21 and Tinman is 27) and it made me want to be a part of his life.
After talking to Tinman for about a week, I became strong enough to let go of my boyfriend.
After that, Tinman and I became closer and talked more often learning about each other's experiences. Tinman is a very outgoing person, loved being near the river and loved nature. I thought maybe this person and I might work out since we had a lot of things in common and Tinman agreed.
Actually he was the first one that said to me that we have a lot of things in common.
Three weeks pass and we're still talking like how we did when we first met (just a little bit more comfortable now) and he, being Asian, has never dated an Asian girl before and me, being a particular Asian, has never dated anyone out of my own ethnicity before. He asked if I would like to give this a try.
But because of our age difference, I asked him if he thinks I am too childish for him. What he said next really took my heart, "I think you have a long journey and many things to see. I can help you with that."
This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
His response let me know that maybe we might work out. One night we went to hang out at his place and he kissed me but I stopped him and said that we should take time in this relationship because I really like him a lot and I don't want to ruin anything.
He agreed and said the same thing back.
We continued to text each other for the next two days and make jokes around with each other. But the second night that we hung out at his place, he leaned in to kiss me again but I stopped him, said a stupid joke that the last time he kissed me, it was my first kiss.
His response was, "really?"
I laughed and told him it was a joke and after that, he just stopped interacting with me and stopped being interested in what I have to say. When I got home that night, I asked him if I did anything wrong, he said I didn't do anything wrong and enjoyed my company.
The next day, he didn't text me back like how he usually would and I had a feeling it was about last night. So, I text him how he felt about last night and he said that he talked to his friend earlier the other day and she suggested him that he should date someone his own age and he text me that he agrees with her, then told me we should just be friends.
I asked him if he took me as a joke from the beginning. He replied, "No. I thought this was going somewhere, but every time we hangout, there is a misconnection. I don't know what it is".
And I told him that it was fun hanging out with him and told him that he made me realize that I have so much more potential by myself than I ever will. His last text was, "it was fun hanging out with you".
I don't know what went wrong.
I feel very bad and I am so bummed out because I really like him and although we have been only talking and hanging out with each other for three weeks, I felt that I have shared so many moments with him. I can't stop thinking about Tinman and I really want to text him back but I feel like it would make me look desperate.
I hate myself for making that stupid joke and I keep on wondering how things would've went if I had just let him kiss me. I have a bunch of questions in my head of why he had the sudden change of heart.
Did I not seem as easy as I did? Was he lying about not taking me as a joke? I don't know.
I just wish I can go back in time and change what I did that night. I really like him a lot. Now my days are just miserable. I try to do other things that will occupy my mind but almost everything I do, reminds me of him and the three weeks we shared together.
What do you think about this situation Jane? I would love to hear your thoughts and advice.
Thanks for your time.
- Tulip
My Response:
Don't look back, Tulip.
For all the regrets you have for what you wish you had done differently, there are so many other possible scenarios that could have resulted from you doing everything the way you wanted to.
The fact of the matter is you were yourself.
You said what you felt you wanted to say at that moment in time.
You did what you thought you wanted to do at that same moment.
You acted the way that came most naturally to you.
And yet because it's gone, because he's gone, you've turned on the one person who it's so easy to blame here; you. You beat yourself up over and over again for being who you were at that time.
There's no one who's as harsh with yourself here as you!
But there's a reason these things happen. Our true selves can never hide themselves for very long. It wasn't just about anything that happened that one night; it was about the bigger picture that came through to him that was about him and not you.
Don't look back at the fairy tale version of what you believe things would have looked like, Tulip.
You have absolutely no way of knowing how things with him would have gone if you only done or said what you wish you had done instead that night you're putting everything on.
You did the best you could with what you knew at the time!
And if he was right for you, if you were both on the same page, what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do that night would never have been a deal breaker for him. But by the time it came to you, you can know that this is what you actually want, no matter how much you fight it and want it to be different.
That's how you find your peace in acceptance. It begins with you.
By accepting yourself for who you are and where you're at, regardless of what that looks like in someone else's eyes. You didn't do anything wrong.
Whatever you did, whatever you didn't do, even if it wasn't what you would normally do, in that moment you were being yourself.
Look past your own vision and accept and trust that there's someone or something bigger than yourself out there that knows better what you need, then you can accept that you actually did yourself the biggest favor ever.
By being who you are in that moment, no matter what that looked like, you brought about what you actually wanted in the long run.
People come into our lives for a reason, no matter how difficult it is to accept this or see it for ourselves when we're struggling with our own definition of what that reason is. You don't have to know what it is, you only need to believe that there is one.
Could it be he gave you the courage to let go of the previous man in your life? Can you let it be enough that, as you say, "… he made me realize that I have so much more potential by myself than I ever will"?
You can never ruin something unless someone is willing to let it be ruined.
But the greatest lesson in this, Tulip, is recognizing that these types of experiences that we're so quick to label as rejections of our beautiful hearts are never as they appear.
Don't give him so much of your power. If it's meant to be, it will be; either because of you or in spite of you. You can't mess up something that both people don’t want to mess up!
This living and loving has to be with someone who is on the same page with you, who wants the same thing you want with you and who's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen!
Don't ever settle for anything less than that no matter how much potential you see in someone or what emotions they trigger in you. Love is never miserable, it never hurts, it never has you beating yourself up over it.
If you ever feel any of that, don't call it love.
I hope this helps give you an outside perspective, Tulip.
Love,
Jane
This feeling of regret for what could have been is so common for so many of us. Do you have anything to tell Tulip from your own personal experience? Please share your thoughts with her in the comments.
Nina says
And on the other hand I understand why this girl's natural reaction was to reject the physical advances of this new man. She is still not over her ex. Perhapse she has been intimate with him recently. Perhapse something in her mind us telling her that it is not Ok to get physically close with two men at a time, or without any significant break in timing. And her intuition is right. Would she get pregnant she would not even know who the father of her child is. And this is an extremely sticky situation to be in. She apparently needs at lest 2 months interwal between the two men, and she needs to communicate the ussue properly to her new guy.And then again, he might be understanding and willing to wait, or he might be not. It is his choice.
Nina says
I know for a fact I would be done with a guy if he rejected my kisses twice. The first time I would find some excuse for him, like maybe he's just tired, or maybe it is a bit too sudden, or maybe just the bad timing. But the second time around, I would be like: "Ok, you do seem to have a problem. Either you think I'm no good enough for you, or you have some issues with sex, either way, those are your problems, and I don't want to make them mine. I had enough feeling rejected, now I am done and ready to move on, and looking forward to someone who can not wait to rip my clothes off."
Nina Milova says
Omg, what went wrong????!!!! Isn't it pretty obvious in this case? They hanged out together for a number of weeks.They got a total understanding that they like each other and want to give this relationship a try, yet when the guy leans for a kiss she rejects him two times in a row. Why? I mean I am all for taking it slow and not jumping to bed too soon, but at this stage if things a kiss is totally appropriate, and if even a kiss is such a huge deal what guy wouldeven dare to dream of anything more then a kiss with this girl? Especially if on top of that she says she has never kissed before ( and uf she never kissed before by the age of 21, chanxes are she will never kiss after...) Plus she says it is a joke, which pretty much makes the whole thing just a joke. The guy just starts wondering if anything is wrong with this girl. Cause who knows, she might be a lesbian, she might be asexual, she might be in love with another guy or she might be completely uninterested in him or find him and his kisses completely gross. Perhapse she feels he is way too old for her? I'm sorry, but in this particular case, the girl has just totally screwed it up.
Garciaa says
I believe people in our lives happen for a reason, season or lifetime. Maybe this person was merely meant to help you gain enough strength to get away from the person you were with before. In the meantime, you realized what your values are and good for you for sticking to what you want (not giving in physically until you are ready). So he was an important piece in your life, but not meant to stay in it. His presence helped you see that you want and don't want in a relationship, and so did the person before. Stick to loving yourself first and foremost and never settle or give up your own ideals to get what you want, or you'll never get what you want. 🙂
A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime?
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
Jane says
Beautifully articulated, Garciaa! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective here and adding so much to this conversation. We can all benefit from this beautiful reminder!
RealDavis says
BRAVO!!! LOVE IT!!!
RealDavis says
Tulip never second guess yourself for what you thought was right! Never do anything just to please somebody else especially a man. Look at it this way...he saved you from alot of heartache in the end. You are young and hae alot of life ahead of you don't waste it on somebody who do not value who you are....I had to learn the hard way!!
Jane, you did it again "Don't ever settle" "Love is never miserable, it never hurts, it never has you beating yourself up over it!!! I have settled, I was miserable and I have been hurt, the best thing I SURVIVED!!!
Jane says
oh so true, RealDavis! And thank you 🙂 You have done so much more than survived! You have seen the reality of what you've been through and you can see things so much more clearly now. Be so proud of yourself for just how far you've come!
Kate says
Tulip,
I am proud of you for being honest and sticking to your values. That is not an easy thing to do, but if you keep doing it you will eventually connect with the best person for you...one who shares your true beliefs and values.
It's interesting, my daughter, who is 21 really likes a guy who is 29. They have been seeing each other for a month or so now and she is so frustrated because he, all of a sudden, doesn't reciprocate her feelings or want to see her as much as she would like to see him. I am not sure if it is the age difference, but I do think that she and you deserve to be with someone who respects your feelings and beliefs and is on the same page. I think chalk this one up to experience and take time getting to know who you are and caring for and loving yourself. The right person will be drawn to your beautiful energy. I wish you the best:)
Jane says
"I do think that she and you deserve to be with someone who respects your feelings and beliefs and is on the same page." - Absolutely, Kate. "Take time getting to know who you are and caring for and loving yourself. The right person will be drawn to your beautiful energy." - Thank you for these beautiful words for Tulip. So true!
Angel says
Those are beautiful words, Verena. I needed to read that. Thank you
Eustacia says
Hi doll, i think you beating yourself up for something that wasnt suppose to be a good thing from the beining. Its clear that this guy just wanted sex from you and you an wise choice by rolling over. I know what i am talking about cause i am facing the same problem were i just said it's worthless. I have gone through it in my marriage and having the same with man i resently fell in love with. It either you on boared or knot, the difference between you and i are is i have kids and you dont you mustend settel to be any mans second best if he cannot value you for who you are then he needs to go find a other nest. He proberlly had the virus that y he is so quick to jump in to bed...........
Jane says
Thank you for this, Eustacia. When you've been there, you understand all too well.
Verena says
@ Tulip-
Tulip, remember you are a beautiful young rose just at the beginning of opening your petals.
I also thought I have to please everybody in my surrounding to be loved. What happened then is that people loved the picture I establish for them but not the real me. Now I am authentic , the true me and that makes me overall happier in all relations: job,family,partners. To learn that I had two failed marriages. But now I think the most important thing is to understand that it is you who creates your beautiful life and everyone else just follows you because of you then . Not you follow the others begging for Love. As soon as you understand that you are the master of your life and you don't need anyone to create this beautiful life everything falls into place. Remember you are beautiful and you have the right of pursuit to happiness.
Jane says
So beautifully said, Verena. Thank you for these words for Tulip, and for everyone. "As soon as you understand that you are the master of your life and you don't need anyone to create this beautiful life everything falls into place." - Yes!
Ruth says
Hi Tulip,firstly I just want to say you are such an amazing sweet and innocent beutiful young lady,with more to share to the world in the near future,therefore stop worrying yourself about men,Men never notices what is good for them until its gone,as for these two guys they were actually taking you for a ride and wanted to waste your precious time,What they don't know is that women are not their playgrounds where they learn how to kiss how to perfect their skills for sex. Women are a God given gift,whereby they should love and cherrish all the time,As for you my dear please just focus on yourself right now,I would say stop dating for now until you get over everything,Coz what you will be doing right now its a rebound relationship,coz you want to fill the gap of your previous relationship with someone knew,Right now you are Vulnerable to be with someone who will say all the right things about you,But I just want to say to you,let no one defines you better than God and youself,Youare what God says you are!And no man on earth can do that for you!Coz you are beautiful inside and out don't allow men to define you!Just pick up yourself and stand in front of the mirror and start speaking to yourself positively and bold about you as a person. Stop worrying yourself about these damn loosers,they are bunch of fools,who always prey after us as women,they come into your life just to destroy,and take all that is good about yourself and your dignity as woman!Wipe those tears in your eyes and move on with your life. Jesus loves you more than anyone!!!!!All the best.
Jane says
Thank you for your beautiful words to Tulip, Ruth. It all helps.