self esteem

Finding True Joy After Walking Away

You may recall a letter from our beautiful friend, Layla, who reached out for support and advice back in January.

She sent me an email recently with an update on her situation and asked if I would share it with all of you.

Here it is, Layla; for you and all of our lovely readers who are going through something similar ...

Her email:

Hi Jane,

In January I wrote to you for advise on a man who was treating me less than I deserved and got such great feedback from yourself and others.

In 10 days it will mark 2 months since I finally walked away and broke the hold that relationship had over me. It has been tough, it has been sad and everything in me wanted to believe that I was not wrong, that things were going to work out.

I read all the advise that was out there on the internet, I spoke with friends and I tried to figure out what I could do to make this guy understand he was treating me wrong and for the first time I realised.... it is ok for me not to have all the answers, not to understand what went wrong.

I am sharing this with your readers because, somewhere out there, someone is in a verbally abusive relationship and they don't believe they are or, they believe if they just fix themselves it will all come right... I want my story to be used as motivation that it is ok to not know everything and it is ok to walk away, you are not giving up.

For as long as I can remember, I have had such low self esteem and allowed my past mistakes to be the reason I settled in my relationships... only to realise that I was hurting myself even more in the long run. I walked away from a guy who I still believe I loved dearly but, I loved him so dearly that I stopped loving myself and that is NOT ok.

He accused me of cheating, told me I was not attractive in order to justify his porn habit, shouted at me, called me an idiot and I soon started to believe the lies. He smoked weed every day and I found myself getting caught up in that world.

I was the only one who worked, so I was supporting two people and borrowing money from my dad to try and pay my bills. It got out of control and on the 12 May 2014, I finally said ENOUGH! I asked him to leave after a huge fight but, I made sure he knew that we were never going to talk again, no friendship... NOTHING.

Has it been hard, absolutely and anyone who tells a women it is easy is lying.

But, my motivation has been the extreme joy I have found since he left. I am not trying to find another relationship, I am focused on building myself up and doing things that make me happy.

It took a lot to accept that I was being abused and I would not accept it for a long time, believing that we were having normal fights. I cried a lot this last month, I got angry, I cursed and I missed him. BUT, I never went back and I got up and told myself that I can do this, no matter how painful.

I deleted all conversations with him on my phone and 2 weeks ago, I had the courage to remove him and his family off my facebook.

I read an article that said, keeping a man who hurt you as a friend on facebook is giving him the impression that what he did was not bad and that you may still consider being his friend in the future. That was enough for me to say, for myself I am removing him.

Firstly, thank you Jane for playing a part in me finally walking away as your blog encouraged me to be strong. Secondly, I know that it will take time to move into another relationship but when I do, I have learnt so much from this experience and know what I will and won't accept.

I am a Christian and my strength and healing has come from God, who I give all the credit to...my life is not over, it just began!

As the quote says: " Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a small smile, throw the match and burn that bridge"

- Layla

I know so many of us understand what Layla's talking about here. If you have a similar story to share that you've gone through - or are still going through - please share it with us here in the comments.

Falling In Love Too Fast

63 Comments

When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.

All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.

But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.

Here’s why:

If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.Continue Reading

3 Subtle Ways to Let Him Know You Like Him

29 Comments

A beautiful woman leans in to whisper to a man in a flirtatious manner to let him know she likes him. I've gotten several questions about how to let a guy know that you like him, that you want to be more than friends, and that you're interested in a romantic relationship with him, so I wanted to delve into that today.

This is the kind of situation where you already know him, maybe you have mutual friends or you work together, and you're just trying to figure out how to let him know you like him. That you want to be more than friends.

As we all know, this is a bit of a sticky situation. On the one hand, you want to let him know that you find him attractive and that you're interested, but on the other hand you also know that you'll be seeing him again, and you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed every time you run into each other in the hallway or at a party.

Here's the thing. If he's interested in you, he's probably feeling the same way – maybe even more so. He may be feeling very nervous about asking you out or letting you know about his feelings also, and for the same reasons.

So what's a girl to do?

The only way to handle this without risking taking a devastating shot to your self-esteem is to remember one word:

Subtle

But what does that really mean? And how subtle is too subtle? It's that tricky balance between being too coy and being overly flirtatious.

Here are three simple things you can do that will convey the message that you're interested in being more than friends to all but the most oblivious of men:

Touch him

As human beings we all crave being touched. It gives us that sense of being connected to others, that sense of bonding.

I'm not talking about sexual touching, but things like simply touching his forearm when you're talking to him, or putting your hand lightly on the side of his shoulder when you laugh at his joke. A little bit of touch goes a long way, and in these hurried modern times, we can all use more than we're getting.

Of course the opposite it also true – don't overdo this one, because as I said, a little goes a long way. I would say a few touches over a thirty minute period is plenty to let him know you're interested.

Compliment him

A well timed compliment can really send him message that you like him as more than a friend - but keep in mind, the same thing applies here – you don't want to over do this one or you'll come off as a bit too obvious or desperate.

It's all in the delivery – make sure you feel confident and that you're feeling good about your own attractiveness. Make sure you're feeling fairly sexy and desirable, and that you know that you're the one doing the choosing.

Then give him a compliment that's subtly obvious that you don't mean it in a friendly way. For example, if you like the shirt he has on you can say something like "That shirt's very sexy" as opposed to "I really like your shirt". Or tell him that he really knows how to make you laugh, and follow up with something like " a good sense of humor is very attractive".

Flirt with him

But just a little. If you're out with a group, and you're standing near him, lean in to him to say something to him that's just meant for him – maybe you're people watching and want to point out a couple and you lean in to him and ask him if he thinks they're on a first day or if they've been dating for a while. You're not really whispering, but you're leaning in to him and quietly saying something like "What do you think their story is – first date?" It works well to couple this with touching his forearm while you ask (see number 1 above).

This does two things – brings him closer to you (he can smell you, he gets that feeling of closeness, and you're touching him) and also puts the idea of a date in his mind. It's also playful, like a game to see if you can figure out who's on a date in the room and who's not, which is always flirty and fun.

Remember to smile and make eye contact, and of course keep reminding yourself that you aren't sure if he's the right guy for you (this will keep you from getting too nervous – after all, you're still not sure if you really want to be with him or not).

If, after trying these subtle techniques, he still doesn't get the hint and ask you out on a date, then he's either not interested in you, he's interested in someone else more than you, he's already taken, or he's not interested in women in general.

There's also an outside chance that he's so painfully shy that he's still too nervous to ask you out. I don't generally recommend this, but if you're pretty sure this might be the case (and you like the quiet, reserved type who errs on the side of caution), then go ahead and just tell him that you're interested, or ask him out yourself. There are rare occasions where this happens and the relationship works out, but just be prepared that you might not get the answer you're hoping for.

The key is to put yourself out there and give him enough subtle hints to let him know you're interested without becoming the initiator to the extent that all he has to do is respond. If he's interested, he'll want to pursue you, to convince you that he's worth your time and energy, and he'll respect the fact that you're confident enough in who you are and what you have to offer that you're willing to give him the go ahead to show some interest too, without worrying about being rejected himself.

Remember not to take his response - or lack of one - personally. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do in response to your subtly letting him know you're interested, what he does with this is always about him and his preferences and are no reflection on you - or your self-worth!

Just like you don't want everyone who approaches you, you too only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

How about you - what do you think is the best way to let him know you like him? Tell us in the comments!

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

16 Comments

You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.

You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.

You get the idea.

You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.

You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.

And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.

But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.

It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.

It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.

It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.

Because the reality is this isn't a competition.

This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.

They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).

But it’s not about them.

It’s about you.

This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.

But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.

It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.

For all that makes you uniquely you.

Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.

But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.

But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.

And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.

Find the beauty in you.

Inside and out.

Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.

Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.

You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself . And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.

That’s always how you know.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!

It's Just Not Sustainable

64 Comments

We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

Am I Just a Booty Call?

34 Comments

Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?

Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.

I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.

Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.

He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.

I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?

I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!

Thank you,

Cara

My Response:

Dear Cara,

I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.

It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.

Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.

It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.

But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.

And you know this.

As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.

Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.

You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.

But you’re not going to change him.

As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.

He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!

The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.

How do you do this?

You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.

What are you willing to settle for?
What are you not willing to settle for?
Can you really be just friends with him?
Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?

Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!

You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.

It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.

You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.

You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.

I know why you’re scared, Cara.

You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.

You know you’re probably going to lose him.

And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.

But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.

You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.

What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.

I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.

Love,

Jane

Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!

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Finding True Joy After Walking Away

Her email:

Falling In Love Too Fast

3 Subtle Ways to Let Him Know You Like Him

Subtle

Touch him

Compliment him

Flirt with him

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

It’s about you.

Find the beauty in you.

It's Just Not Sustainable

Am I Just a Booty Call?

My Response:

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