self esteem

How Long Do I Wait For Commitment?

Woman upset with boyfriend because he won't commit — What does waiting do for you?

You've read my post Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do To Move Things Along. You've tried everything I've suggested, and now the only thing you're left wondering is how long do you wait to see if he comes around and gives you the kind of commitment that you're looking for? You're so not alone if this is where you're at. Of all the questions I'm asked, this is by far one of the most common.

The simple honest answer is you should never wait for someone to come around to commit to you! Honestly, if he isn't on that same page as you, open and in touch with himself enough to know what he wants and that he wants a committed relationship in the first place, before he met you, waiting around for him to come around to where he is finally ready for commitment to you is wasting your time.

He's not going to come around and commit to you because you're waiting for him. In fact, the very fact that he knows you're waiting for him, and willing to put your life on hold to wait to see if he does commit, lets him know that he's more important than you; that you value him more than you value yourself, and leaves him with no motivation to figure out what it is he's really looking for, why he's behaving like this with you, and what he would be losing when you finally give up on him and leave.Continue Reading

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

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It's been so long since you've had anything resembling a healthy relationship, you don't even know what one looks like. Until now. It's time to start at the beginning, forgetting everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because right now your relationship gauge is pointing up when it’s supposed to be pointing down. It's not working, and we're going to fix it. It’s OK. It’s not your fault. We’re going to help you get your relationship gauge fixed so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when it's pointing you in the opposite direction.

It all begins with forgetting everything we think we know about relationships. Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a healthy relationship that makes us (get this part) H-A-P-P-Y. Yes! Happy! Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?

It's quite possible you might never have known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about here isn't the kind where when he finally shows up at your door or calls after you've had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind. That’s the kind where we've been so low in the gutter, completely devoid of any trace of our self-esteem, that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we're happy.

But really; is that happiness? Are you really happy in this relationship or is it just that you’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling a man caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, so we honestly think we’re happy?

I know. This is tough. I understand all too well. It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we've had for so long (read: denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about (even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out). I know firsthand that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, enough, enough, enough!

Do you get that? I know that’s tough to hear, but, my beautiful dear friends, it’s the truth! This is not how it’s supposed to be! We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. It's really not supposed to be this way! Do you see that, even a little? It’s OK if you don’t. Just know we’re going to get you there together.

Here's a hint: Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go. People in healthy authentic relationships actually want to be together. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does. It’s not supposed to be complicated. Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him. Mutual. Together. Easy. Those are the words you’re looking for.

It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with dramatic highs and lows and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama … do you see a theme here? That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means. I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly. It means your guy is unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship. Do you see that at all? It’s like simple math. 2+2=4, not 3 or 5 or some other number. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you.

But if you're in this so deep that you’re not ready to consider the reality of that yet, that’s OK. We’re going to get you there, but it takes time. But please hear me when I tell you that one day you really will look back on this and be so glad you listened to that little voice that’s so soft and hard to hear right now, saying it really is time to let go, you can do this, you can (gulp) be on your own. I know, I used to gulp too. What? ME? Leave HIM? Like right NOW? Before I've given him his 1001 chance to see just how wonderful I am and how much he needs to change and start treating me right because I really am all that?

The part where you really start to believe this comes next. After you open your eyes to the reality of what is going on here. Shifts in seeing always happen in baby steps. Not overnight. Just hold that thought for a minute and listen to what you're hearing here. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.

You see, that’s the whole point. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to do or be anything except be yourself. And do what your real self does. It’s not about pleasing anybody or doing what you know they’d like you to be or do, it’s about a real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him.

Equally.

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

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You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.

Where do you go from here?

You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.

And he might.

But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!

Or you have another option.

Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!

Do you see the difference?

So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls! You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!

If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!

It may take a while.

It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.

This is the real you!

You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.

7 Reasons To Be Thankful While Single This Thanksgiving

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A beautiful woman is happy, playing in the leaves while thinking of what she's thankful for. — Here are 7 things that are easy to be thankful for.

Here in the United States it’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving.

The start of another wonderful holiday season filled with joy, laughter, and for some of us that just can’t bear the thought of going through another holiday season all alone, misery.

I remember all too well the sinking feeling I would have as I entered into another long Thanksgiving weekend, wondering how on earth I was going to get through yet another one feeling painfully single.

That’s when I would force myself to remember what this holiday is all about: being thankful for the good things in your life.

Each one of us has some wonderful things in our lives that we love, so it's time to think of what yours are and write them down, with a pen and paper.

This act of writing things down helps to cement them in our minds and make them more real, more touchable, and more memorable.Continue Reading

How We Get Hooked

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A beautiful woman is hooked on a guy that is not treating her well. — This is how it happens.

What happens to us that we, perfectly intelligent, level headed women suddenly begin justifying to ourselves, beyond all sense of reason, why he’s treating us the way he does, why it's OK that he has rules about how often he can spend time with us, why it's understandable that he needs so much "guy time", why it always has to be the way HE wants it to be?

And why do we continue to believe that we’re so much better off with him than on our own?

The reality is you're not.

We’d be so much better off on our own at this point, so much better off without this guy bringing us down, doing a number on our self-esteem, but we have such a hard time believing that because when it's good, it really is that good, and we tend to focus so much on those moments that we forget how it feels the rest of the time.Continue Reading

The Missing Piece

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No matter how many times you've read or been told it's ultimately about loving yourself, about being confident, about remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer, there is still that part of you that just doesn't know what to do with that.

You read it, you get it, but how to get there from where you're at now is the part that's just not happening. You start by resolving to love yourself, to take better care of yourself, to start treating yourself like the beautiful woman you're being told you truly are, but nothing changes.

You don’t feel any different.

You're not attracting anything different. And you're beginning to wonder if there really is something wrong with you that you can't even master these simple steps. Why does everyone else seem to be able to do this, when you can't?

It all begins with a shift.

Of course you can't start loving loving yourself if you don't find anything loveable about yourself in the first place. Of course you can't start being confident when you're doubting your ability or worthiness to be loved by anyone who's worthy. Of course you can't remember all that you are and all that you have to offer if you don't believe you are all that in the first place.

But what you can do, what you can do right now, is shift your mindset. Stop looking at yourself the way you've always looked at yourself.

It's time to change our self-talk.

Instead of the negative self-talk, instead of looking at what's wrong with you, what about changing that and looking at all that's right with you? What about looking at all your positive qualities first, instead of all the negative press you usually give yourself? When you've lived thinking so little of yourself for so long, it's so easy to forget what's so great about you.

We're taught from such a young age that to think of ourselves this way - as great, as wonderful, as beautiful, as all that – is boastful, and selfish, and bad, and instead we're rewarded by putting ourselves last, everyone else first, by focusing on what we need to improve about ourselves. And what we really hear through all this is that there is inherently something wrong with us.

The truth is, there's nothing wrong with us. It's not about that at all. Instead, it's about rising above everything we've been led to believe about ourselves as being true, and starting a new belief system about ourselves. It's time to tear up those lists that say we need to be something different, when who we are is enough.

More than enough.

It's time to go beyond our list of self-improvements we've been told we need to make and realize we are OK just as we are. There are always things we can do to improve ourselves. There are always things we can do better or differently.

But the difference here is that when we look at ourselves in the light of how can we be our best selves, instead of the mindset of how can we fix what is wrong with us, there is a huge shift that takes place. One view only sees the negative that needs changing; the other sees a beautiful point from which to love ourselves and get to an even higher place of self-love and care.

One is about what we need to do to be accepted and loved outside of ourselves. The other is about how we can love ourselves and care for ourselves in such a way that we become everything our endless potential can see us being.

Do you see the difference? That missing piece, begins and ends with you. You cannot expect anyone else to do this for you. Remember that feeling you get when you're in love, when someone loves you back for you, that you finally have that feeling that you can do anything? That's what I'm talking about here.

You don't need to be loved by anyone outside of yourself to have that same feeling. That is the feeling that loving yourself and having that kind of self-respect and self-confidence brings into your life. You are not an impostor if you have it within yourself. You have simply discovered the secret that most people don't even realize has been right there within themselves all along.

You.

The real beautiful, confident, radiant, you!

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How Long Do I Wait For Commitment?

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

Where do you go from here?

And he might.

Or you have another option.

Do you see the difference?

It may take a while.

This is the real you!

7 Reasons To Be Thankful While Single This Thanksgiving

How We Get Hooked

The reality is you're not.

The Missing Piece

You don’t feel any different.

It all begins with a shift.

It's time to change our self-talk.

More than enough.

You.

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