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You are here: Home / Archives for self esteem

So What If He Hasn't Called

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
Do you see a pattern here?

I remember it all too well. We had exchanged phone numbers, and now the ball was in his court. Then the anxiety would start: Would he call? How long would it take? Why hasn't he called? Did he lose my number? Should I call him? Has it been too long?

There was so much stuff around that all important phone call. Even if he had already made that initial call, it didn't always change. Instead, it became: Would he call again? How long would he wait before he called again? If I call him, will he call me back? If we talked about getting together and then he didn't call, what did that mean? What if the plans weren't firm? How long is too long? And on and on and on.

You get the picture.

And even though we know we can call him if we really want to, if it means more to us to ease our own anxiety than to wonder when or if he'll call, we don't really want to. We just want him to call us.

So because this seems to be an almost universal condition of us loving, giving, well intentioned women, this waiting and wondering why and when we're going to hear from him, I've given this some thought lately. And here's the way I see it:Continue Reading

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant To Be

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The way our lives have worked out, and the route our journeys have taken on the road to finding ourselves and the love in our lives, is all part of the life that we are meant to live and are living now. A beautiful woman is embracing her life with arms outstretched in a field of red flowers.One of the most difficult and frustrating parts of my journey was always the fact that no matter how much I worked on certain areas of my life, there were some things that I just couldn't seem to change no matter how much I tried. Namely, it was how personally I took everything, how deeply I would let the realities of my relationships affect me, how much I would let other people's expectations of me affect my mood, my happiness, my life. I used to beat myself up mercilessly over these, wondering why I couldn't change this part of me. I tried all the suggestions I read over and over, but nothing seemed to work. These issues ran so deep.

And then I just felt worse, because in being so hard on myself, I had now created a situation where not only was I still taking things so personally, but I was also creating the emotions of anger and frustration at myself for being this way. No wonder I just wanted to bury myself under the covers and stay there until the world went away. Or at least until I finally got it right.

But since then I've come to realize that everything, in fact, comes together in our lives based on who we are, and that includes those parts of ourselves that are so resistant to change because they are so ingrained. Our programming, our core personality traits, those messages we did receive. Even if we would have preferred things to have been different. It wasn't about what we didn't get, what we weren't like, what we hadn't been able to overcome. The way our lives have worked out, and the route our journeys have taken on the road to finding ourselves and the love in our lives, is all part of the life that we are meant to live and are living now. And with those words, we can accept all those imperfections about ourselves. Because it might not have been the way we would have chosen to have our lives go, but the end result is exactly the way our lives are meant to be. As imperfect and difficult as it sometimes feels.

And so for you, my beautiful friend who forgets your own worth all too often and focuses too much on what you don't have and what you think you need someone's permission to do and become, I invite you to stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up so harshly, stop being so hard on yourself. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from yourself or anyone else.

Don't let anyone into your life who doesn't get this, and don't let yourself do this to you for a second more! Whatever it is you can't seem to accept about yourself, whatever it is you keep beating  yourself up about it. Stop. Your life will come out the way it's meant to not just in spite of you and these imperfections you can't seem to rid yourself of, but because of these parts of you that make you the person you are.

The very beautiful person that you are.

You Don't Need Permission

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You don't need anyone's permission to be the beautiful, radiant, confident women that you are. You don't need anyone outside of you to tell you it's OK to do anything. A beautiful woman walks radiantly through a field of grass with a scarf trailing behind.We all have times when we feel like I'm just not sure if I can do this, or Who am I to think that I can be like that?

It seems like such a stretch to think of ourselves as strong enough, or good enough, or just enough in general to aspire to actually be or do something outside of our comfort zone.

I felt this so many times when I was single, it was like an old friend.

Who you do think you are that he would choose you?

Why would he want to commit to you?

What could you possibly have to offer him that would make him want to be with you?

It was enough to squelch what little self-confidence and self-esteem I had managed to muster up, and once again I would find that I was looking outside of myself for someone to validate me. Someone to give me permission to be all that I knew deep down inside I really already was.Continue Reading

Be Confident: You Know Who You Really Are

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That internal voice - it's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem, but you know who you really are. A beautiful young woman is thinking about who she really is, and her confidence level.There's that little voice inside your head that seems to pop up whenever you're at your most vulnerable. Whenever you're already questioning yourself and what you're doing and whether or not you really do deserve the best that love and life have to offer.

For many of us, it's subtle and not loud enough to do too much damage. But for some of us, it's very loud. We never hear the actual words, but the damage it does to our hearts, our souls, our very beings, is catastrophic. It's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem.

It beats us down, keeps us down, and causes us to lose sight of our dreams, our goals, our hopes. It does the most damage to the most sensitive among us, who heard those words often enough in our lives from outside of ourselves that they are now just part of who we are.

We don't even question it.

It starts as subtle as being told to dream small. To protect ourselves by not expecting too much. Or it might be that we were laughed at when we had an idea that was all our own. It seemed brilliant to us, but to them, it was laughable, cute, funny. Which would be OK, if we weren't so serious.

So then, the next time, it's not surprising that we don't think it's so brilliant, and eventually, when we have these ideas, or think we can do something or become something or even try something, our very next thoughts are that it's laughable, cute, funny. Until, over time, as we repeat this process, we start to not only view our ideas and dreams and aspirations this way, but we come to see ourselves like this too.

Because it's not too big of a stretch when you're young and impressionable and the people who respond to you like this are your world. At a time when you see your ideas, your thoughts of all that you can do, as not being so separate from your self. This all happened before you learned that they don't know everything, that you might even know more than a thing or to, that you might actually know exactly who you are and what you can really do!

But once the suggestion is there, once we've heard those voices from the outside telling us what we can and can't do – as if they know us so much better than we know ourselves - then it's such a small step to internalize that voice and make it our own.

Which is exactly what happened.

Which is exactly why we didn't even know this voice was there. Until we find ourselves later in life wondering why we think so little of ourselves, and why we make choices that don't honor our true selves. Choices that leave us settling for less than what we know we want, and deserve. It's exactly why we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again no matter how much we try to do things differently.

Because that voice is just too strong.

And too prevalent. And too much a part of us. In order to change our internal voice we need to be reminded over and over again, just as many times as we heard it in the first place, that what our current voices are saying is just not true. Until we can make the truth the only voice we hear and make it our own.

There's nothing laughable, or cute or funny about any of this. This staying small, and giving ourselves away because we don't believe we're worth more. This accepting of crumbs and whatever someone will give us to make us feel worthy. This life we've accepted that is so much less that the life we were meant to live! This inferiority, or it's opposite - the inflated superiority - that only hides that hurting little girl underneath the facade.

We've lived like this for so long, we don't even realize it's this subtle internal voice that's underneath it all. Keeping us stuck. Holding us back. Reminding us that it's not worth it, that we're not worth it, whenever we summon up enough courage to attempt to let our lights shine bright.

Until now. It stops here. No more. That voice is wrong. That message is incorrect. Mistaken. You are all that! You deserve all that! It's time to take back our confidence and self-esteem. There's only one response to that voice – tell it that you know exactly who you are! And you deserve the very best of everything beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing that love and life have to offer! There is so much more to your life! And they didn't know better and still no one knows better than you do. You can do that. You can have that. You can be all that! You are all that!

So be confident, dream those dreams, set your goals high, and allow yourself to feel that confidence. Don't allow anyone to tell you that you can't do that, not even you!

Because it's not really you. It's them.

And they didn't know. You have nothing to prove, there's nothing to show them. Just do it for you, and all that you're worth, and all that you are. You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing, absolutely nothing, less than this!

The Best Way to Build Confidence

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A woman is dancing in the rain because of her confidence.
This one simple change will dramatically boost your confidence!

If it seems to you like everyone else has it all together, knowing just what to do to have a healthy relationship and making it look so easy in the process, while you're struggling along, feeling like there's something wrong with you, well, you're not alone.

I used to feel that way, too.  There always seemed to be someone who did relationships better than I did.

While I was constantly trying to figure someone out, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, figuring out whether I should try to give him some more space or show him just how excited I was about him, there was always someone I knew who had that amazing confidence about them and their particular relationship.

Just confidently being in it, seeing where it went and not putting all their focus and time and energy in it, just being normal about it.

And oh how I would envy her. I wanted to be that nonchalant, too.Continue Reading

Your Best Response When You're Not Getting the Commitment You Want

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If you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do. A clock is showing that it's time to move on.It all seemed so incredible. He seemed so amazing. He made you feel beautiful when you were together – and even when you thought you weren't.

Your relationship had all the makings of the real thing. All the fireworks, all the excitement, all the magic.

Until suddenly, you’re noticing some subtle changes. He’s not calling as often. His emails and texts are fewer and shorter. He’s busy a lot more often. He’s a lot less romantic than he used to be. If you've been intimate, he becomes less intimate.

His plans may or may not include you – unlike before when they always included you. He’s showing up late and doesn't call to let you know he’s going to be late.

You bring it up.

You tell him that you've been noticing some differences and you want an explanation. He says he’s just been busy with work or tired lately and that nothing’s changed with him. So you let it go. But you miss the way it was, and you don't understand why he's suddenly getting emotionally distant.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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