journey

Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?

Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.

It just doesn’t work that way

There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.

And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.Continue Reading

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant To Be

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One of the most difficult and frustrating parts of my journey was always the fact that no matter how much I worked on certain areas of my life, there were some things that I just couldn't seem to change no matter how much I tried. Namely, it was how personally I took everything, how deeply I would let the realities of my relationships affect me, how much I would let other people's expectations of me affect my mood, my happiness, my life. I used to beat myself up mercilessly over these, wondering why I couldn't change this part of me. I tried all the suggestions I read over and over, but nothing seemed to work. These issues ran so deep.

And then I just felt worse, because in being so hard on myself, I had now created a situation where not only was I still taking things so personally, but I was also creating the emotions of anger and frustration at myself for being this way. No wonder I just wanted to bury myself under the covers and stay there until the world went away. Or at least until I finally got it right.

But since then I've come to realize that everything, in fact, comes together in our lives based on who we are, and that includes those parts of ourselves that are so resistant to change because they are so ingrained. Our programming, our core personality traits, those messages we did receive. Even if we would have preferred things to have been different. It wasn't about what we didn't get, what we weren't like, what we hadn't been able to overcome. The way our lives have worked out, and the route our journeys have taken on the road to finding ourselves and the love in our lives, is all part of the life that we are meant to live and are living now. And with those words, we can accept all those imperfections about ourselves. Because it might not have been the way we would have chosen to have our lives go, but the end result is exactly the way our lives are meant to be. As imperfect and difficult as it sometimes feels.

And so for you, my beautiful friend who forgets your own worth all too often and focuses too much on what you don't have and what you think you need someone's permission to do and become, I invite you to stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up so harshly, stop being so hard on yourself. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from yourself or anyone else.

Don't let anyone into your life who doesn't get this, and don't let yourself do this to you for a second more! Whatever it is you can't seem to accept about yourself, whatever it is you keep beating yourself up about it. Stop. Your life will come out the way it's meant to not just in spite of you and these imperfections you can't seem to rid yourself of, but because of these parts of you that make you the person you are.

The very beautiful person that you are.

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

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We can feel so lost sometimes. We wonder when love will find us, how it will happen, and what it will look like, and we forget just how much in control of our lives and our search for love we really are. Yes, fate or the Universe or God, or whatever you believe in, may all play a role and ultimately step in and help guide our path and the path of our true love when we are both ready to find each other, but there is so much more to our story.

There is a part that we are so very much in control of that we can do everything about. It begins with a decision that you can do something right here, right now, beginning with today. You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is the real you. You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew, right where you are, and see where this new path may lead.

It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. It always means more when you put it down in writing, so write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique. Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step and make you feel alive when you do them. Remind yourself of all of your accomplishments, big or small. This exercise is about reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you possess that make you uniquely you. It's to remind you that you deserve to be loved!

The next step is to make a list. Write out everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could or didn't have time, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason - all the way back to your earliest childhood memories. Try a new sport, take a dance class, learn to play the cello,whatever it may be. Even if you’re not sure if you could really do it, include it anyway. This isn't about limiting yourself; it’s about exploring everything you've ever even thought about doing. Even if it seems silly! Then go out there and try one or two.

One of the things I've found that always seems to put my own life in perspective is to give back to others who are in so many ways less fortunate. So I would encourage you to consider volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish? How could you make a difference? Most importantly, what are you passionate about? Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you.

Wherever you feel you could you make that difference in the world, start in your local community. Take the time to explore this, to ask yourself these questions and find out what you really care about and where you would really enjoy making a difference in the lives of others. There are so many possibilities to explore!

Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our own answers. You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that so many of us forget is always there waiting for her turn to show you all that she’s capable of, if only she's given half a chance. When we connect with that part of ourselves that knows all this, that just needs a reminder; we find a real kind of living. The kind where the possibilities seem endless and don’t hinge on us being in the right place at the right time, waiting for life to reward us.

Instead, we find a rich journey full of so much life and love because we go after it, we go exploring that part of ourselves that knows all of this. There is no secret to this seeking of love and a life worth living that makes everything else in the world rise up to meet us. It’s right there, right in front of you beginning today right where you are, wherever that may be.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. People defy the odds and statistics all the time. This is about you stepping out and finding out that it is at the intersection of your fullest life and your greatest outpouring of love, there waiting for you is exactly the one your heart and soul have been looking for all this time.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than this!

Yes, You Can

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You can do this.

You really can.

This standing up for yourself, this setting boundaries and standing firm for what you know you deserve and refusing to settle for anything less even though you're lonely, even though you miss him, even though you're so used to convincing yourself it's ok that you actually believe it is.

I know it's hard. I know you want to do anything but this.

I know you want it to be easy.

To just flow. To be like you've heard and seen in all those romance novels and movies and happily after fairy tales you remember from your childhood.

I know you feel like you've been sold a bill of goods, that it wasn't supposed to turn out this way, that it wasn't supposed to be this complicated or this heartbreaking.

I know exactly how you feel because I always felt this way too.

And I still do.

Because like so many of you, so many times I have to be dragged kicking and screaming to finally get something, to finally get that I have to be strong even though I don't want to be, even though I want it to be easy, even though I don't want to fight for myself, even though I keep telling myself that it wasn't supposed to be this way!

It's a life pattern, not just a relationship pattern.

And all too often, I get stuck in the way I think it should be and forget that none of that really matters. The way it should be, the way I wanted it to be, the way it was promised it would be, doesn't matter at all. The only thing that matters is what is. What really is. The rest is all just wasted time and energy. Lots of it.

So as much as we try to resist, as much as we don't want to have to stand up for ourselves one more time and go through this again, we have to.

You have to.

Because if you don't, life has a way of coming back around and around and setting up the same lessons that you need to learn. And you will be so much better once you learn these, even if you can't see it right now. I know this all too well, because so many of us are where we're at because we are so emotional. And being emotional, thinking with our sensitive emotions that make us soft and sensitive and understanding and compassionate and empathetic and caring and loving - I could go on and on here; these wonderful qualities make us who we are and make the world a better place because we're in it with these qualities.

But it does make life harder on us.

It makes us long for a soft, warm place where we can find someone who will love us with all their hearts and find a place to call home with them. But this isn't about letting your heart get hardened, you can keep all those beautiful, sensitive parts of yourself while still being strong for the one person that deserves the kind of strength I'm talking about here – you. And that's why this isn't one you can skip over. Because you're worth so much more than just sitting by and letting life and love treat you this way.

This isn't the way life and love is meant to be.

It's not. It's time to stand up and be heard, to show your beautiful strength, to stand up for who you are and what you believe in, to refuse to back down and change your mind just because someone makes you feel so small. You are that strong. You are all that. You and only you let the world know how it can treat you.

We let our beautiful hearts and our souls run so much of our lives and we have a hard time seeing the logical, practical side of things. We have such a hard time thinking with our heads because it's our hearts where we live most of the time, and so we can't understand why everyone else seems to have such an easier time figuring this out.

But we all come to this in our own time, as part of our own journey. When we're ready, we get it. We get that it's only in standing up like this, in speaking up for ourselves, in setting the rules for how we will allow someone to treat us, regardless of who he is or what he does for us. It's only by being so clear on who we are and what and who we will allow in our lives that we can find that resolve within ourselves to stand up and keep standing up for ourselves and what we believe in and what we stand for. It's worth it.

You're worth it.

I know it's not that easy path it was supposed to be. I know it's hard. I know it shouldn't be like this. I know they never said anything about this part, the part you're going through right now. But when you make it a habit of living your life like this, when you live your life standing up for you, when you get just how much you're worth standing up for – always, it will get easier and it will be such a richer life you're living. Without all this stuff that weighs on you, without all their stuff that you allow them to weigh on you. You can't please them, so stop trying. You can't convince him, so stop trying. You can't make him love you, so stop trying. You can't make anyone do anything different if they don't want to themselves. You can't change anyone but yourself.

It's you again, my beautiful friend. It always comes back to you. And you, I'm telling you, can do this one, too!

How To Know You're Getting Closer To A Real Relationship

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Don't doubt yourself on this journey. It doesn't matter where you've come from or what you've been through. It doesn't matter how many times you feel you've repeated the same mistakes or how many times you've attracted the same type of guy. None of that matters.

What matters is how each experience brings you closer to what you're really looking for. With every heartbreak, with every disappointment, you learn and you grow. You get to know yourself better and you get a clearer sense of what you're willing to put up with and what you're going to be picky about.

You learn to be more flexible in some areas and less in others. You learn what feels good and what feels awful. You stretch, you constrict, you ebb and you flow. You see things more clearly; the fog lifts just that much more.

You start to learn that it really does matter that you know yourself well enough to know who it is you're really looking for. Your list changes to reflect the you you're discovering and learning to embrace in love. You revise it to reflect what is most compatible with the real you and not some version of yourself that you thought was really you. You begin to understand why being emotionally available and having the ability to commit to a real relationship are the number one and two must-haves on your list. You begin to see why how he treats you matters more than any item on your list.

You stop making excuses for anyone. You start rightly expecting him to pull his own weight and refuse to keep anyone around who brings you down. You stop expecting someone to complete you and make your life over and instead, you realize what you most want is someone who is a real person who you can have an honest, open, loving relationship with. You start living in reality instead of the fantasy that felt so familiar because you thought you needed to be rescued. You finally see that you don't need anyone to come and rescue you; you hold the key to your own happiness.

You stop beating around the bush and you start coming right out and saying what it is you're looking for. First to yourself, and then to him. You begin to really get that it's only by communicating honestly with any potential new guy that you can both find out quicker if you're on the same page or wasting your time. You stop pleasing. You stop placating. You stop being whatever someone else wants you to be. You stop living up to someone else's unrealistic expectations of you and start listening to that soft inner voice that knows you better than anyone else.

And this time, you actually believe it.

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Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

It just doesn’t work that way

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

My Response:

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant To Be

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

Yes, You Can

You can do this.

I know you want it to be easy.

And I still do.

It's a life pattern, not just a relationship pattern.

You have to.

But it does make life harder on us.

This isn't the way life and love is meant to be.

You're worth it.

How To Know You're Getting Closer To A Real Relationship

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