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You are here: Home / Archives for fairytale

Does It Serve You?

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Beautiful woman looking out the window on a rainy day, wondering if it serves her.
Does it wrap it's arms around you?

I want to be so clear here.

You are not your mom's programming or your dad's programming or your grandparents' programming or whoever else went before you and said this is the way it is or this is what we believe, and then subtly (or not so subtly) passed it on down to you to become your own.

If you know anything about our cellular level memory, you know we absorb these types of messages in our very being. Where we have no conscious memory, we have the cellular kind.

This is why our patterns of survival, the way we love, what we can't believe could possibly be true, and all our defensive behaviors that keep us walled-off from our truth, are so difficult to change.

At that deep cellular level, we've absorbed only their deep truth.Continue Reading

Breaking the Cycle

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Break the cycle words on rings in an endless patter to illustrate changing our programming about love.
It's time to change our subconscious programming.

There's a girl down the street who reminds me of someone I used to know. She’s barely a teenager and she’s already got the look.

The one that says "Pick me, pick me, please somebody pick me.  Make me feel of worth.  Make me feel like I’m something."

Make me feel like I matter.

Like I’m attractive. Beautiful. Worthy.

Make me feel like since you picked me I must be worth something. At least to somebody.

She's not the only one. She gets lost in the crowd there's so many of them.

She doesn’t know why she does what she does. She just knows it's what she's supposed to do. She puts herself out there like a showcase to be picked. Competing with all the others just like her, hoping it's her turn this time.Continue Reading

It's Your Choice

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It is always your choice written on a blackboard.
Never, ever, forget this part.

You look back.

You look back at what was, not what is. You retell the story of how it should have been with your memory of what you did wrong.

It’s not too late!

Throw out the convention. Throw out the desire to have it the way your mind says it has to be.

This is your choice. You get to choose what terms you’re willing to accept.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

I’ve been working with a woman for years now, who has been trying to change the man she loves. She's miserable without him, and so is he without her. But together, they fight.Continue Reading

Why He Keeps You Hanging On

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A woman walks away from a man with a rose in the foreground, symbolizing a break up.
Why won't he just make a commitment?

You’re perplexed. Puzzled. Utterly Confused.

On the one hand, he says he’s not ready for a commitment. He says he can’t give you what you’re looking for.

But then instead of letting you go, he shows up just enough to keep that hope alive.

Hope in him. Hope in what one day will be him and you. 

You’ve asked me why. You want to know what he’s doing, what his motivation is, and whether you’ve got a chance at things working out with him.

Could he not have meant what he said? Could he just be confused? Could it be that there’s hope for the two of you after all?Continue Reading

How Do I Say No When I Can't Stop Thinking About Him?

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A beautiful woman is trying to break free of a guy that she can never seem to say no to.
How do I say no to him?

Our gorgeous friend, who has called herself "Mayan Goddess", is wondering how to break free of a guy that she can never seem to say no to.

Here's her story:

He says it's complicated with his on-and-off-again girlfriend... He said, I don't want to break your heart.

How do I know when to say, "no" when all I think about is being with him?

My story short version:  It was three years ago when I first laid eyes on him.  He started working where I was filling in for a coworker for a month. It was weird. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other. I would catch him staring at me.

When we looked at each other it was like we were gazing at the stars (at least from everyone else's opinion.) I was married at the time. He had a girlfriend.  Although, we chatted every now and then, we were respectful to one another.

It took three weeks before I mentioned I was married and before he mentioned his "girlfriend."

We were in the elevator alone one time and I just was so nervous, I was red and felt like I couldn't breathe. He, too, was red staring at me and having small talk. It was only 20 seconds or so but felt like it was an eternity.....

I filled in every now and then for my coworker for three more months.... He finally was transferred (or moving up the ladder) and went on to his next assignment.  We never did anything nor ever said anything for that matter, but we just knew.

That was the last time I seen him. 2012/February... I had said to myself, "Wow, Lord. How lucky is his girlfriend? What I would give to experience being with such a highly-respected/kind/thoughtful guy??? She's super lucky!"

In those two-and-a-half years,I thought about him often. Wondered if we would cross paths again. I knew sooner or later we would. It was inevitable because of where we worked.  (Legal system.)

I had been in a abusive marriage for a very long time. My marriage finally ended.Continue Reading

How We Heal

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Concept showing that healing comes from loveIn our culture, there's a predominant belief that in order to help people we need to be direct, to the point, and take off the kid gloves.

This method is often portrayed as a loving approach by using the phrase "Tough Love".

Many people believe that this approach is the only way to get through to someone, and to help them make positive changes in their lives.

I have to say that I respectfully disagree.

In fact, this was the whole reason I created this website in the first place. And it's also the same thing that allows my coaching clients to become free to create the lives of their choice out of a place of being accepted and loved for who they are, instead of a place of shame and guilt over what they "should" be or "shouldn't" have been.

Most of you find yourselves here because you've seen enough of this kind of tough love to know it’s not working for you. You want more because you know you deserve more.

I know all about “tough love”.

I've seen first hand the damage that it can do and the ways it can adversely affect so many people who are given their share of tough love by some of the most well-intentioned and well-meaning people. It’s a concept that our culture has come to accept and expect from everyone dealing with those who they feel need to be taught, to be molded, to be shown, to be educated. To be "straightened out".

From the loving parent who takes a tough love stance with their children, to the teachers who believe this is the way human beings learn, to the counselors and the members of the clergy, to the court system and government, the tough love stance is everywhere. We've been so conditioned to believe it’s the only way to deal with the ones who “need it” in order to be put back on the "correct" path.

But the truth is that the exact opposite is true.

This isn't how we heal.

This isn't how we grow.

This isn't how we come to see what we need to see, to change our old ways and begin something new.

We're not going to grow because someone makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us for not being able to see what they can so clearly see from the outside. We're not going to heal when someone shames us because we’re so mired in what we've been through and what we still struggle with that we can’t get past the shame and guilt of being who we are. That’s not going to help us see what we otherwise can’t see.

In fact, the opposite is true. We don’t heal by being made to feel that there’s something wrong with us, no matter how well intentioned that person practicing tough love with us may be.

Because no matter how much we should be able to see the truth for ourselves, no matter how much we should be able to understand the results of our actions, when we’re going through it, the fact is we just can't see it, no matter how clear it is to others. When we’re in that place, it's so difficult to see the reality of what is instead of the fairy tale that we so want something to be, and being told we’re wrong, being denied our feelings and our perception that are so real to us only makes us feel worse about ourselves.

It doesn't help.

And what do we do when we feel bad about ourselves? Do we rise up and become that person that someone believes we should be? Or does their tough love stance toward us tap into a different time and place and only reinforce our own long internalized beliefs that there is indeed something wrong with us, that we are inherently “bad”, and so we deserve to be treated this way?

It’s so familiar that of course it jolts us into reality and leaves us saying whatever the person practicing tough love with us wants to hear.

And so we agree that they’re right and we’re wrong. We add them to the list of those we place on that familiar pedestal while we, in contrast, dig ourselves deeper into that pit. We beat ourselves up even more.

Unworthy, unlovable, and now feeling stupid, foolish, and ashamed.

These are just some of the gentler words we use to describe ourselves once it’s pointed out to us so obviously what is wrong with us – again.

For how could we not see it coming? How could we really believe it was going to be different with him? How could we not see the signs that were oh so clear for what seems like everyone else? How could we have been so blind, so foolish to believe it could be different this time? How could we not see the writing on the wall so clearly like everyone else could? With examples like this, we have such a hard time believing there isn't something so very wrong with us.

The ways we guilt and shame ourselves are endless, it’s a wonder we can even hold our heads up at all.

And then is it any wonder that we stop reaching out for any help? Is it really surprising that we eventually stop trying to get help and simply resign ourselves to the life of a stupid, shameful, foolish person who will never see this for herself?

And so we keep finding the ones who treat us this way, who reinforce the bad, and refuse to acknowledge that there might even be another side of these qualities worth something, worth salvaging at all.

You see, it takes so little for so many of us to pick up on what isn't said. The underlying feeling we sense from someone who can’t believe we can’t see what is so obvious to them.

So then what happens when we feel attacked in this way is that we can no longer hear what they have to say beyond this feeling we sense from them, even if they say so much more. We don't hear them anymore.

Instead, we shut down and our progress slows to a stop as we go into defense mode – it’s survival mode to us.

It’s how our story gets so strong. It’s how it gets so deeply embedded in our consciousness. It’s how it becomes our reality. We've got to do something – anything – to get a little piece of ourselves back.

This isn't how we heal.

This isn't how we come to see what we need to see. This isn't how we become motivated to get up, to take that first step, to try to do something different again. This is the opposite of how it’s done.

And it’s this opposite approach that is the only one I employ in my coaching practice.

That's how we heal.

It’s how most of my clients find themselves able to see things differently, to connect the dots for themselves, because I accept and love them unconditionally to a point where there is no need to defend, only to do the most loving things they can do for themselves.

We need our feelings – our very real feelings – acknowledged. We need to be heard and understood. We need our reality accepted as our reality and not our fantasy right now. We’ll get there, in our own time, in our way. We’ll get there.

But  love us until we get there.

Accept us where we are right now. Not tomorrow, not when you start to see a change in us, not when we start to show some progress, not when we stop being such a disappointment to you. Love us now. Love us right where we are.

Are we really that unlovable? Are we really that bad? Do we really not deserve to be loved for who we are?

We know all too well just how human we are. We know we’re not perfect. Oh how we know! But we’re doing the best with where we’re at right now.

We’re feelers, we’re dreamers, we’re lovers. We see the potential in someone that only we can see. We see the story in something that only we can see.  Can’t anyone see the beauty in us? The beauty in the other side of everything that  we've been shown is so wrong with us?

Call it tough love, defend it as much as you like. But the way that you chart a path of hope to our hearts and souls has nothing to do with anything to do with “tough”, and especially not that kind of love.

It can only come through love.

The unconditional kind. The kind that acknowledges that you’re OK just as you are, right now, today.

Yes, I have hopes and dreams and plans for you that I can’t wait for you to discover for yourself. But they won’t mean anything if they don’t come from you, if you don’t discover them in your own way and time. It doesn't matter what that looks like to me, it only matters that you see the love and acceptance that is always there for you. That’s how you’ll get there.

And I know you will.

What do you need to be accepted for, acknowledged about, and loved through? I’d love to hear from you if this resonated with you. Share whatever you’d like in the comments. I read them all.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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