Of all the emails I've received recently from my readers, one of the most overwhelming underlying themes centers around feeling rejected. It seems that so many of you are either in the process of feeling rejected by someone by his lack of responsiveness to you, or you are having a really hard time getting over someone because you feel rejected by him. Many of you are wondering how there could be any hope left for you since you feel you keep getting rejected regardless of who you are, what you do, or who you find yourself involved with.
A majority of you find yourselves wondering where to go from here, because you're afraid of feeling rejected again if you put yourself out there and give someone a chance. And yet the alternative, being alone, isn't any better because you really want to be in a committed relationship with someone, you’re just not sure how to go about it.
And for many of you, there is a downward spiral effect so that the more you put yourself out there, and the more you find yourself feeling rejected, the worse you feel about yourself and the more you question whether you will ever find the love you’re looking for or if there’s just too much wrong with you to attract any man who will really love you for your true self.
It's enough to crush the self-esteem of even the most confident woman.
I want you to rewind this entire recording that’s been playing on in your head for far too long. I want you to go back to the very first time you felt what you have been calling rejection from a guy. Remember as many details as you can about it, about the whole relationship regardless of how long it was, and I want you to answer the following questions as honestly as you can.
- What was he like?
- How did you feel when you were with him?
- What were your expectations?
- What were his expectations?
- What were your terms?
- What were his terms?
- Could you both communicate honestly about your feelings?
- How did he treat you?
- How compatible were you really?
- What was he looking for?
- What were you looking for?
There’s a reason we’re starting with the first time you experienced feeling rejected. Because it set the stage for what you called rejection. So that the next time you experienced a similar lack of compatibility and it ended, you took it as a rejection again. A rejection of your beautiful you, your true self, and all that you are and had to offer someone who you thought was worth your you.
From here it wasn't much of a stretch to wonder what was wrong with you, and depending on how many times you experienced this, it’s no wonder you began to question yourself enough to wonder if there really is something wrong with you and if you’re destined to always be alone.
This is where the truth comes in. Not any more of the lies you've been buying into about this rejection you've been making into your reality. I know it plays into the emotional story where we’re not good enough for someone, we’re not beautiful enough or intelligent enough or sexy enough, or popular enough or whatever part of enough we want to call it. But this calls for a reality check of what rejection is and isn't.
You haven’t been rejected.
The truth is, you just were not compatible. If you look closely at your answers to the questions above, you'll realize that you were two different people who wanted two different things, who were not on the same page.
How do I know? Because if this wasn't the case, you wouldn't be feeling rejected because you'd still be together.
Over the story you wrote about that first time you were feeling rejected, write that out in a big bold color. You weren't rejected. Go through each of the experiences you've been calling rejection and do this same exercise for each one.
None of this has been what you thought it was!
This is what really happened. No matter what it felt like emotionally to you, he wasn’t rejecting you. He saw what you couldn’t see while you were trapped in that beautiful, emotional world you live in where love conquers all and covers a multitude of differences. Also known as the fairy tale.
The truth is, love doesn't always conquer all.
It takes the practical reality of two people who not only love each other, but who also want the same thing as the other and are both willing and ready to do what it takes to make that happen.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
There is no rejection.
Just differences. Incompatibility. Different pages.
Someone finally had to set you both free so you could get on with your lives and not waste any more time with something that couldn't work - no matter how much you wanted it to.
This story you've bought into, this rejection theme, the one that’s chipped away at your self-esteem, your self-confidence with each and every new occurrence with someone who simply wasn't right for you; it’s time to put it to rest. And write a new ending. The one that begins and ends with a beautiful person otherwise known as you who deserves someone who’s on the same page, who wants the same kind of commitment you want, who’s ready and willing to do what it takes to make it work with someone who wants this all, too!
Don’t call it rejection. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let its judgment rest on you for even a second! Feel yourself released from its hold. Release yourself with this knowledge. No more feeling rejected.
Who are you without this weight? Who are you without this story?
You’ve never been rejected. You’ve only been with someone who wasn’t right for you!
I saw her sitting there all alone today, watching all the couples laughing around her. She was still waiting for him to show … does she deserve this?
I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.
I received the most inspiring email the other day from one of our beautiful readers who initially wrote to me just over a year ago, heartbroken over yet another guy. At the time she was wondering, like so many of us have, what to do about a guy who just
Dear Jane,
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