Face your own fears.
Sometimes, even when we find the love of our lives, the guy who we’ve been looking for, the man who meets our clear definition of Mr. Right, something comes up that we weren’t expecting. Something called fear. Also known as insecurity in disguise. We’re terrified. It turns out that in the past we’ve chosen the kinds of guys that aren’t about commitment because it was safe. It never was going to work out so we never had to face our own fears about being in a committed relationship. Maybe we were choosing these guys and then staying with them because we’re a little afraid of committing, too. Maybe we felt safer being with someone who wouldn’t commit to us because it meant we didn’t have to face our own fears about commitment.
I remember someone once suggested that to me, and at first, I doubted it. He’s the one who’s scared, right? Not me. But then I gave it more thought. And realized that deep down, I might be scared, too. And maybe, as much as I thought I was ready to be in a real committed relationship, as much as I talked about it, dreamed about it, well, maybe it was more the fantasy of it than the reality that I was interested in. Even though I didn’t know it or understand it at the time. And when I did finally meet my true love, I realized just how many fears I had about giving so much of myself to someone. When there was no turning back. When it came time to say “I do”. When I realized I was in it for the long haul. That it wasn’t just another relationship like all the others. I was terrified.
As much as he was what I had always been looking for, what I realized when I looked back on so many of those thoughts at the time, was that once I had realized we were in it together, that he was as into me as I was into him, my old insecurities would sometimes surface and cause me to do some strange things. Like testing him to see if he really loved me for me. Like checking to see if he would call if I didn’t call. And things like that, that I didn’t know where they came from because they didn’t make sense. At the time. But now, I fully get what was going on.
I was scared.
I was in new, uncharted territory for me. And that was scary. Regardless of how wonderful it was to finally be out of all those dead-end relationships that always started out too good to be true and then in the end proved themselves to be just that. This time the reality was, I was in uncharted territory for me.
Oh, I could tell you all about the high drama of being in all these relationships where I was on the begging end always hoping and trying to get him to change back to the way he was in the beginning when he was pursuing me for all he was worth. I could even tell you about those crazy in love rush feelings of meeting someone sure to be the one. But when we actually found each other, when I realized he was the one and I was his one, along with all those wonderful feelings were the fears that few people talk about. Let alone admit it. So, once you've gone through all that you have, once you reach that place where you finally meet the one who’s right for you, remember that it’s OK if being in that space gives you some queasy moments too.
Because deep down inside, I think most of us get a little afraid of the real thing when we’ve had our hopes dashed a few too many times, or when we have some commitment issues of our own that we haven’t had to explore because we’ve been too busy exploring his commitment issues in the past. Do you get what I’m saying here? Trust me on this one, it’s a little scary for both of you. The difference is that this time around, when it’s the real thing, you’re both in it together. So you don’t have to hide it, you don’t have to keep it to yourself and deal with it yourself. You can just let it be. And just let him be. And go easy on yourself.
You’re human and you’ve been through a lot to get to this point. So feel those fears and let them come up, but know that they’re perfectly natural and more than understandable given our history. And then set them aside while you allow yourself to experience the TRUE love that you deserve.
Do it for you. All of you. Including the you who has fears. And the only way to get past those fears is to push through until you’ve lived enough with this new kind of love to know that it’s not going anywhere. To let time show you that there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore over where you are now, on this new side of love.
Want to read more? This post is an excerpt from my book Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the LOVE You Want...and Deserve. Get your free copy by clicking here.