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Why You Need to Stop Chasing Him

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A woman is chasing a man covering his face with kisses.
You don't really want to chase him, and he doesn't want to be chased.

It never starts out this way. In fact, he may not even turn our head in the beginning.

But somewhere along the way, something changes.

When he starts pulling back, becoming emotionally unavailable, when we start sensing something just feels different, it takes over us - this need to do something, anything, but sit there and watch him slip away from us.

He promised us so much. We didn't expect to fall like this.

It didn't start out like this. But somewhere along the way, it happened. He kept trying to get our attention. He kept seeking us out until we decided to look over in his direction and notice him, too. After all, it must be the real thing if he keeps chasing after us like this, we think.Continue Reading

The Power of Clarity

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A beautiful woman is getting clarity on what she really wants in life.I have an important question to ask you - in fact, it may be the most important question you can ask yourself:

What's the one thing you want more than anything else in your life right now?

Is it to be loved?

Is it to get married?

Is it to start a family?

Is it to live somewhere else? Somewhere better?

Is it to change jobs or begin a new career?

Do you even know what it is?

Think about this for a moment. We put so much time and energy into thinking about why we don't have what we want. We can come up with so many reasons, so many answers to our own questions, as to why we don't have what we really want.

But I've learned a thing or two along the way about what's really going on here. It's not about you not being able to have what you so want. It's not about there being anything wrong with you. It's not about you being not attractive enough, or intelligent enough, or whatever enough you believe you need to be in order to have what you long for.

It's about something so much simpler than that.

Oh, I've been there. I've thought it had everything to do with what I wasn't enough of and what I was too much of, and how there was no one left who would appreciate who I was or what I had to offer.

But what I didn't realize back then, when it all seemed like such a struggle, was that I was the one getting in my own way of finding what I was looking for.

All of these emotionally unavailable men whose actions were showing me they weren't really looking for a committed relationship; why was I choosing them?

Why was I making it my mission to try to do everything I could to get them to commit to me, to make them love me, to make them want to be with me, when there were so many other available men out there? These other men didn't require this kind of work that I was doing to the detriment of myself, but I wasn't open to seeing them.

I blamed myself, I felt that I should have known better, I thought of a million things that I wished I had done differently but, of course, I didn't at the time.

Because isn't that what we all do so well?

We think it's about us.

We think it's all about us, that it's all our fault and that if we were only someone else - anyone else but our true selves - it would have had such a different ending!

Why do we insist on making this as complicated as we do? If all we want is to be loved for ourselves, there's plenty of men out there waiting and willing and capable of loving us the way we deserve to be loved!

If what we really want is to get married, why do we insist on trying to make a marrying kind out of a man who doesn't want that kind of commitment from anyone, not just us?

If what we want is to have children in our lives, why do we settle for someone who, while he might turn us on in every other way, doesn't share the desire to make a family together, hoping beyond hope that he'll change his mind?

If what we want is to change our jobs or start a different career, why do we come up with all those reasons why we can't, rather than taking a chance on ourselves for a change and going back to school, taking out a loan, moving in with a friend or family member, and seeing what is possible instead of letting our fears keep us stuck in something we're not happy in anyway?

If what we really want is to start fresh somewhere, or to feel the sunshine on our face in the middle of winter, what holds us back from making a geographical change? Is it really that we're so tied down to where we are right now that we can't make that move? Or is fear of being "wrong", or answering to the naysayers who think we're crazy for leaving what we've got behind and branching out anew?

What about you?

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter if it's not what you pictured, if your life isn't turning out the way you always thought it would.

So maybe you chose the "safe" career that your well-meaning teacher/counselor/parent convinced you to pursue; does that make you happy now?  Or have you always wanted to try that less-traveled path that you never thought you could do?  That someone else never gave you permission to do.

That's the point. What do you really want now? At this stage of your life, not the one you used to be in or the one you're still holding onto. What about now?

Find that clarity.

Peel away the complicating layers to find the simple, sweet clarity of what you really want. If you can't have what you want without what comes with it, is it worth it to you to keep trying to make it work?

Or is it time to let go of what isn't working and clear a path for what wants to work, and is right there waiting for you to see just how much simpler this can be.

You don't have to be right.

You don't have to please anyone else with what you want. But you do deserve nothing less than being true to yourself and being happy with what is always your own choice. Don’t make it about what anyone else wants or thinks you should or shouldn't want; make this about you.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. And you're the one with the clarity to make it happen for you.

What do you need to get clear about most? What is complicating your life that you need to simplify down? Tell us about it in the comments!

Texting, Commitment and Sex

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A beautiful woman holds her arms out with palms up, signifying that she has questions about texting, commitment and sex.One of our beautiful readers, who has called herself AV, sent me an email with several questions regarding texting vs. calling, how to know if he'll commit, and when to be intimate.

I've heard similar questions from so many of you at different times that I thought this would be a great chance to address each of these common topics in one post.

Her questions:

Hello Jane,

First of all I want to say that I love your articles!

I have some question about dating a new guy and I need your advice.

  1. What to do if he keeps texting and not calling? I mean if the communication is through messages and facebook. I thought of calling him back when he texts me to show him that I prefer calling but I never did it because I thought that maybe I disturb him. And maybe he feels the same I don't know. I don't want the texting to stop, I just want him to also call me.
  2. How can I test him somehow that he wants a relationship? And that he is not afraid of a committed relationship? We are dating for a month. I really like him. I am afraid because of other guys I was dating and who were very enthusiastic and then for some reasons they didn't feel like it. I never understood what made the process cold down.
  3. Can you give me general guidelines about sex? I want him but I am afraid. I don't want him to lose interest.

Thanks a lot in advance

AV

My Response:

Thank you, AV. I'm so glad you're getting so much out of my articles! Your questions are some of the same topics that come up so often in my coaching sessions and in the comments and letters I receive here, so I'm happy to answer them here for you.

1.) If he's only texting and not calling

The most important thing to remember when you're dating someone new, is that you really don't know him well enough yet to know if he is "all that". We can be so quick to put someone on a pedestal simply because of the potential we see in them, or some trigger they've set off in us – or because of an aloofness they give off that gives us the impression they can take or leave us. That's when we start to forget about what we bring to the table.

So when you say you thought of calling him back to let him know you prefer calling, but you didn't want to disturb him, think about that statement for a moment. What you're really saying here assumes that you could possibly disturb him and puts you in the position of deferring to him, instead of coming to this new relationship from a position of your own power. So I want to address this point as much as your actual question.

If he's only texting you and not doing any calling, there's a reason for this. It's because it's what's he comfortable with and it's what works for him. Most likely he's discovered that texting allows him to be more emotionally distant than calling, and that's why he's choosing to communicate this way with you at this point in your relationship.

It makes sense that you want to talk via phone instead, because it's hard to get to know someone solely through texting or social media.

There's only so much you can get a feel for someone without actually talking to them. And of course, he knows this, too. But if this is what's working for him and what he's comfortable with, then he has no reason to change this unless you let him know you'd like to talk to him over the phone by saying something like "I personally prefer getting to know someone over the phone as well as by text", and see if anything changes.

If he starts to call you, then you know that what you have to say - and your preferences – matter to him. If nothing changes, then you know what he prefers and now you have a better understanding of why this is.

It could also be the case that this is how he prefers to communicate only in the very beginning as he likes to take his time getting to know you better, and that he will begin to call you on his own as time goes by.

If he continues to only text you, then you can decide whether this is going to work for you going forward or not. When you can take your own time to get to know him and always remember in the back of your mind that this is the stage where all you're doing is deciding whether he's worth getting to know better, you'll have an easier time not jumping ahead of yourself before you really know who you're getting involved with.

This includes deciding if he is worthy of you and all you have to offer; not the other way around.

2.) How to "test" him

You don't ever need – or want - to "test" someone to see if they want to be in a relationship or a committed relationship. Time will always tell.

What you do want to do is take your time getting to know someone well enough so that you can observe who they are and what they're all about before jumping to any conclusions about them being the "one" for you.

This is where so many of us miss the perfect opportunity to really see if someone is consistent in their behavior and if they are really compatible with us in the ways that matter, because we get so caught up in the feelings they elicit in us that we focus on everything except the things that matter!

Like how they treat us, like how they treat others, like what their true character reveals about them, like how reliable and consistent their words are with their actions, and most of all, how emotionally available they are to have a relationship with you in the first place.

There is simply no substitute for time. Time always reveals someone's intentions, their true nature, and their very ability to be in a committed relationship if we allow that time to unfold naturally on its own. But so often we don't! Our impatience, our anxiety, our need to know gets the better of us and we want to know sooner, rather than later. So we push for more, we rush in, we give away far too much of our hearts and souls – not to mention our sacred bodies – to someone who should never be trusted with what we're so quick to entrust them with!

A final word on this one is that if you feel the need to "test" him, there's probably something you're picking up on that's giving you reason to feel that he might not commit that you need some kind of a test to know where he stands – because he's not giving you enough of himself to figure this out naturally. This is a huge red flag. With someone who's on your page, it will flow easily and you won't have to wonder; he'll want to make sure you know.

3.) What about sex?

And finally, what to do about the question of sex!

I'm so glad you brought this up, AV, because there are so many misconceptions around this subject. If/when, how soon, how to know if you're ready, how long to wait, and all those other questions we wonder about in this confusing time when we have every "right" to have sex as much and as often as we want, but when the repercussions of exercising that right are never what we're prepared for after the fact.

The reality is that we women are affected on a far deeper level than we ever think we're going to be when we give ourselves away sexually.

We may think it will bring us closer together; that it will take it out of the question and allow us to really get to know someone better, but it rarely works that way.

Too often, regardless of how we planned to handle the when and how, we get caught up in the moment and end up becoming more intimate than we ever intended to. And when we realize after the fact that we're not on the same page as we thought we were with someone and they are no longer as interested in us as they used to be, the way we treat ourselves, the way we beat ourselves up for not being stronger or waiting longer only makes us feel worse than we already do about ourselves.

The answer is to first get clear with yourself on what you can live with and what you can't and don't let anyone talk you into anything you're not sure about.

Wait as long as you need to know for sure that he's not just looking for sex from you. If you have any doubt at all that someone could lose interest in you because you've become intimate with them, don't go there. Any doubt.

This is where your gut instincts kick in. You need to be comfortable with having a conversation with him about birth control and STD protection because those are realities that are all too real. It's the loving thing to do to protect yourself, even if he isn't worried about these things.

Don't rush it.

When you wait instead until you've gotten to know someone well enough to know that he's on the same page as you – not just because he says he is or you want to believe he is, but because he shows you by his consistent actions and behavior over time that he is, you will be so much better off for waiting.

This isn't about what anyone else's timeline is; this is about you. And while I understand there are no guarantees that someone won't still surprise you after you've become intimate with him, the longer you wait, the more you get to know him better, the less chance there is of him only being out for one thing. Guys that are only looking for one thing don't last very long.

The bottom line, AV, is that if he really is all that, he won't balk at your slowing things down to take your time to get to know him better. He'll respect you more for it. Any other response will tell you everything else you need to know.

I hope this helps give you some clarity.

Love,

Jane

What do you have to add? These questions AV has asked about are some of the same ones so many of us struggle with. I'd love to hear your thoughts and what you've found to resonate with you in your own experiences. Share them with us here in the comments.

My Committed Boyfriend Says He's Not Ready to Commit

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Word commitment written on a piece of paper being erased symbolizing lack of commitmentOur dear friend Sarah is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, but he won't take that commitment to the next level. He says that he's not ready to commit to her further.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

A few months ago, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (he's 28 and I'm 32, and we don't live together) and I were planning on buying a house.

We discussed legal aspects (i.e. what happens if things don't work out), financial aspects and I felt like we were on the path to home ownership. We decided against it because the market is not very good and I think we both realized it was too soon for us anyway. Since then, we haven't had any conversations about moving in together.

I got the feeling from him that he had changed his mind and wasn't ready.

The other day, I asked him if he would ever want to live with me, and he gave me a very confusing answer - that he loved me very much, but felt like he wasn't ready to settle down. That he never got to live the bachelor life and that he doesn't feel ready financially, mentally or socially. The confusing part is that he said he feels like he wants to meet more people and have more fun and I'm not sure if he means guy friends or females.

We have a connection that I've never experienced. We are very easy going, communicative and don't fight. We have the same goals, don't want children, and make long term career plans with each other in mind.

His family, friends and I get along amazing. We have a ton of fun whenever we're together, and thoroughly enjoy our quality time together. We have a lot of the same interests, have the same sense of humor but also have our separate interests and passions that we encourage each other to pursue.

We vacation together for weeks on end and don't drive each other crazy. We are always in each others plans for the future, the near future anyway, such as where we want to vacation during the next year and how we can prepare for our financial future. He kisses me on the forehead regularly and looks at me with a love in his eyes that makes me believe I am truly his number one.

In short, his actions and his words are saying two different things and it's got me really confused.

During our lengthy discussion about commitment, I told him I would not be someone's second choice, if indeed he wasn't sure if I was the one for him and wanted to keep his options open.

He told me he wishes we had met when he was a few years older. The thought of us breaking up made us both cry as we held each other. We decided to stay together, even though I'm aware that anything can change, but realistically, that's a risk we take even if both parties are committed.

I don't have a lot of friends and we talked about how our social lives consist of us hanging out with his friends/family and doing things that he suggests or initiates. I have a business that requires me to work alone and I've found it has made me slightly isolated and I don't have a lot going on in my life.

I think a part of him wishes I was more outgoing, fun, exciting, and engaging.

In the past few days, I've found myself trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics. I've also been analyzing his words and actions, I think in search for some clue that he's swaying one way or the other and so far,  he's just like normal; loving, fun and committed to making me happy.

But I know I can't do this forever, looking for proof he picks me/commitment, as it will drive me crazy.  My brain says break up with him, as I've learned from previous experiences that we always miss the red flags and I don't want to feel stupid down the road when/if he breaks up with me.

But in my heart, I know that he loves me more than I think anyone has ever loved me and I think he's smart enough to know he won't ever find anyone as good as me - actually he's told me that.

I've been thinking of giving him 6 months and then coming back to this with him to see if anything's changed. If not I'll have to end it.

I don't want a commitment to move in together right away, just a "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you" from him. I know what I deserve and want in life. Everything I read on your site says to me I need to end this relationship. Do you think maybe this is different?

Thanks so much,

Sarah

My Response:

Dear Sarah,

The part that makes every relationship different is that it’s your own.

You know what he has to offer. You know where he stands. You know what you have with him. And you know very clearly what you want – a commitment that says "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you."

But that isn't what you're getting from him. You have a guy who is being honest with you, letting you know that “he loves you very much, but feels like he isn't ready to settle down.” And you are.  And you are being very wise to believe him, to hear what he’s saying, to not make excuses for him, but to take him at his word, even if his actions give you reason to hope.

The fact that you're 32 and he’s 28 may have something to do with this; as you're ready for more of a commitment – and understandably so! – while he doesn't feel the same urgency.

And because for men in our culture, there is never an expectation that he should be settling down like there is for women, it feels normal for him that he would want to experience that bachelor life that is widely marketed in so many ways around us.

I suspect this is what he’s talking about, too, and why he feels he isn't in any hurry to commit to you, regardless of his feelings for you. It’s two different things.

But this isn't about him; it’s about you.

It’s about what you need to be happy, it’s about what you can live with and what you can’t. It’s not about settling, it’s about making a choice knowing full well what it is your choosing, and what you’re giving up and what you’re not. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you’re looking for from him and what he is and isn't able to give you.

My concern is that you’re “trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics.”

When we go down the path of trying to be more of what we think someone wants us to be to try to convince them of our worth, and why they should want to be with us in the committed relationship we’re looking for, we can do so much damage to our self-esteem and confidence by feeling like because we are not getting our desired response that there is something “wrong” with us, or that we’re somehow not “good enough” for them. When in reality, this isn’t about you being enough of anything for him, it’s about his own desire to live the bachelor life, as he says, and do what he feels he needs to do for himself. This has nothing to do with you.

Take your own power back, Sarah, because this is about  what you can do, not what you can’t.

Because you can do a lot.

You have a timeline, which is your own inner gauge of how long you’re willing to wait to see if anything changes.  But in that timeline, don’t spent your time waiting. There’s so much more to life than waiting for someone to be ready, to be on your same page, to see what you can see so clearly.

Don’t let your business isolate you; go find the life that you want for yourself.  Don't make him the center of your universe. Give him some space to be himself while you discover your own true self. Be true to yourself. Find the people, the hobbies, the activities that fuel your own passions.

Don't spend your time focusing on him and where he’s at – that does more damage to you than you can imagine. Don’t nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games.  Just be yourself. Be honest with him and yourself. And be your authentic true self.

Keep your  own options open and adopt the mindset that you are the one who’s the prize here - because you are!

When you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up or come around and be something he can’t or won’t be.

And when you live your life like this, you’ll allow him to discover if he's ready to take things to the next step on his own, because that’s the only way you want it.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

Do you have any words of advice or support for Sarah? Or can you relate to her story? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

 

Should I Keep Waiting for a Commitment, Or Move On?

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A beautiful woman looks out a window, wondering if she should wait for a commitment or move on from her boyfriend.Our dear friend Sara has been dating a man for almost 2 years but she's not getting the kind of commitment from him that she wants. She's wondering if she should keep waiting (on his timeline) or move on.

Her email:

Oh Jane where do I start?

I met a lovely guy after my divorce and felt instant hope, an instant spark. I have two children who mean the world to me, and he had a child a similar age too, I thought things would be so easy...we could do thing together with the children and make life so much fun, but I found myself chasing him.

He would always text good morning and text throughout the day if we weren't together, I felt so special in the beginning, but he had separated from his wife a few months before and he said he wanted to take things slow, I didn't go to his house for months he always came to me, he had his child most weekends, so the once a month he didn't have the child at the weekend he would see us.

My children see their dad every other weekend, so eventually I started staying on a sat night when I didn't have my children, so we were seeing each other 2 weekends a month, that wasn't enough for me, but his child came first he made that clear, I said but couldn't we all be together?

Its been almost 2 years and he is reluctant to spent weekends together, I have had to push all the way, he has only just allowed me to spend the Friday and sat night when he has his child and I don't have mine!

When I told him I wanted commitment, this is what I had been looking for, I was looking for a future husband or at least living together he fobs me off as desperate and nothing is good enough for you, he finally said we would live together in 2 years time.

I am now forced to move out of my home and it is on the market and he still won't offer to let us move in with him or for us to buy a place together, he sees us as totally different, I said perhaps my house move has happened for a reason and he just says his thoughts and timescales haven't changed.

He said he couldn't see himself getting married for at least another 5 years. Is this to keep me hanging on or does he mean it? will we live together in 2 years as he says? I said I will rent then and he was like oh no don't do that on my account - which made me suspicious!

We went on holiday last year with the children and it was him and his child me and mine, like we were totally separate and his child can do no wrong. But I do love him get on well with his child, he says he loves me but takes things slow, he doesn't really make an effort with my children.

He hasn't got time for them so it seems.

He goes on holiday with his family and doesn't include us because his parents pay for everything, we can both have days off with the children and he thinks nothing of him being at his house and me being at mine when I think we should be together in my opinion.

Him and his child will do things like go to the pantomime and not invite us, I feel hurt by this, rejected. My children haven't met his family, even after almost 2 years. Last Christmas he planned Christmas day without me because he had his child, when I bought up the subject he said that he couldn't accommodate us as he had his family coming around for the day, those were his words, so I tried to end it, but he talked me around.

I am scared to be alone, I really thought he was the one but now I am realising perhaps he isn't. We saw a friend only at the weekend and he sent me back to the car quickly so his friend didn't see me, his excuse was he hadn't seen his friend since before his divorce and didn't know if he knew what had happened but he hadn't asked about his step child so he must know.

When pushed he said he was ashamed because she had left him and it doesn't usually happen that way. I felt so rejected and confused.

What do I do? Do I move on or wait to see what 2 years brings?

- Sara

My response:

Dear Sara,

There is nothing quite like the pain of unrequited love. When you want so much for things to be different, for this man who you so wanted to believe was the “one” but who now you’re realizing isn't, to be the one. I hear your heart aching for there to be more; you want to believe there’s still some hope of him seeing what you can see, if only he could see it for himself.

But Sara, one of the hardest lessons for us to learn in this life, is that pushing or pulling or any other actions we engage in to try to make someone do something other than what they choose to do for themselves, is futile. His words and his actions tell you where he stands, and it’s not in the same place that you stand.

Of course he doesn't want to end it, because you make it so easy for him to be with you. He has it so good with you, why would he not try to talk you around? He can live his life on his own terms, and still have a woman like you whenever it works well for him without having to make a commitment.

He has no reason to change when he has it this good.

Everything that you are choosing, everything that you are putting up with, everything that you are settling for in order to be with him, can be understood so clearly in the phrase that stood out in your words here: “I am scared to be alone”.

Wherever there is fear, you find yourself doing things you would never otherwise do. Fear leads us to see things that aren't there, to stay in places we don’t belong, to be with people we would never otherwise consider being with.

We lose ourselves when we let fear control our lives.

Don’t let that spark tell you a different story than the one that actually is. Don’t let your dream of what it could be if only he would come around and commit dictate how you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t let the begrudged promise of a 2 year timeline give you reason to put any more of your life on hold living by someone else’s terms when you have your own.

Only you know what being with him – what waiting for him – is worth to you. But two more years of your time and energy and your beautiful you spent on waiting for someone to get to the point where they can give you what you want is a long time to wait for anyone.

It may seem easier, but is it really?

Or could you take a step into that fear? Could you expose it for what it really is – the unknown? Could you give yourself a little taste of it and see if it might just mean your freedom? To live your own life on your own terms without looking to someone else to make you happy?

It may seem scary to you right now from where you stand, but I've never known anything scarier than being with someone who wasn't on the same page as me, as my life was wasting away right in front of me.

It’s always a choice, Sara. There are pros and cons to every decision we make.

But you can never ever be wrong when you choose you, when you choose to do what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Someone who’s truly right for you will always clearly show you with a consistency in their words and their actions that they actually want to be with you.

He’s shown you that he’s going to do what’s best for him.

Now it’s your turn to do what’s best for you.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Should Sara wait it out, or move on? Tell us in the comments!

I Left Him Because He Wouldn't Commit

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A compass with the words letting goOur beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is something that I hear all too often from our readers. Here's her story.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

I love, love, love your blog and am so grateful that I have found it during this extremely hard time of my life. So my deepest, most sincerest thanks to you.

I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to me. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out and I now live alone in a small rental… a very big adjustment and I miss him and our relationship very much.

I've been doing so much self development and surprisingly most hours of my day I find myself quite peaceful and content knowing that I just had to make this decision for ME because there was no way he was going to make any decision about anything, any time soon!

However, in all my self development and reading your blog the same message is being said over and over again… 'that I'm worthy of someone way more deserving'.

I know that's the truth and I can't wait to meet 'my new man' (hopefully!) in the near future but I also can't help but feel really sad that my ex isn't worthy of my love.

I don't feel angry or bitter towards him because he's suffering with his health and has so much family baggage which led to so much fear about committing to me. And even though he hasn't  chase me one little bit since I left him only six weeks ago, I STILL feel sorry for him.

I gave him SO much and still had so much more love to give him.

I've always been the type of person to feel sorry for the underdog, stick up for the child being bullied… my problem is that I always feel sorry for people. So with my ex, I just feel so immensely sad and sorry for him that's he's undeserving of the love I had to offer him, that's he doesn't deserve someone as wholesome and fabulous as me (that's how my friends describe me!!).

I want him to experience unconditional love, I want him to be worthy of being loved the way I have because he hasn't had that. His parents didn't know how to love and they still have NO idea to this day. And because of this, I am still contacting him to make sure he's doing ok.

I guess I still want the link to him and I guess I'm also secretly hoping he turns around and chases me. So how am I supposed to let go of him and our relationship when all I feel is guilt and sadness for him? Thanks Jane!

- Sarah

My response:

Dear Sarah,

I'm so glad you’re finding help and support  here, Sarah. This is exactly why I’m here. It’s never easy to let go of someone that you didn’t really want to let go; someone who you wanted so much more from that he wasn’t capable of giving you. In the end, this is exactly how you find out who is on your page and who’s not, who’s looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship with you, and who isn’t.

It’s in the releasing and letting go of someone who you courageously recognized as not being able to give you what you were looking for from him, that you are seeing the reality of where he’s really at.

And the reality is he’s not chasing you.

The first thing to recognize is that this is not really about him, but about you. You see him as the underdog, as the victim of his circumstances, as being in poor health, as having a hard childhood, and these are all the reasons you feel sorry for him that he’s missing out on the unconditional love he could have with you.

But I suspect that’s not the end of the story. Instead, it’s about you feeling that you weren't enough to change him, that you weren't enough to make him see what you could see.

You feel guilt and sadness because as much as you knew he couldn't be who you needed him to be, you wanted to be able to hold on longer in the hope that eventually you would be enough, that he would come to see the life he could have with you. You wanted to be worth the type of work he would have to do within himself to make it happen.

You can’t rescue him from himself, Sarah.

This is where those of us who have such compassionate, empathetic hearts and souls, who feel other’s pain and believe we know best what they need, can take on men like this so that they become a project of our own. To the detriment of ourselves, we try everything; we spend so much of our time and energy trying to show them the way that would make all the difference for them if only they would be open and willing to seeing it for themselves.

If only they would find it in themselves to get there, to have the life they could have with us, they could heal, they could be loved, they could be happy and we couldn't be happier being right there alongside with them.

Start right where you are by separating what is yours and what is his.

It sounds like the boundaries between the two of you have become blurred with you owning so much of his and not leaving with him what can only be his to own for himself.

You can’ t know what’s best for him, you can’t know for sure what he really needs. None of us can. He has to want to change. He has to want those things that commitment and being loved unconditionally in a relationship bring. He has to want that for himself.

It can’t come from you.

Release him, let him have what’s his. Take your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your beautiful unconditional love you held for him ready to give him as a gift. Give those back to you.

Take a closer look at why you still want or need to keep holding onto someone who isn't holding onto you. Does he remind you of someone you've done this with before? Are you looking to him for the love your father or mother wasn't able to give you?

When it doesn't make logical sense, but emotionally it's the only way you can see it, there's always a deeper story running behind the scenes. Find that story. It changes everything when you know what yours is and why you need it to be. If you need some help finding it, I'm always here for you through my one-on-one coaching program if you want to take closer look at what that might be.

There’s still more to your story, Sarah; there’s still all of those dreams and plans and hopes, but they belong to you and one who will share in them with you and want the same for the both of you, not someone who you have to try to make into what you want him to be because you believe it’s what he needs.

The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to.

The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with.

It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go.

With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our  souls.

It’s never easy to let go, but it’s how we get to the place we’re meant to be. Where our hearts can soar, and our love can flow, it's when you'll know without question that the one you’re with is exactly where he wants to be too.

That's how you'll know, Sarah. It's what's makes it easier to let go.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any advice about letting go, or have any words of encouragement for our dear friend Sarah? Please share them with us in the comments!

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