commitment phobia

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

18 Comments

Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with my response:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across your site in search of answers for a non-committal guy. I couldn't find a situation close enough to mine so here it goes...

I fell in love with this guy. It took him 2 years to get a hold of me. We lasted for 3 months before he told me some unsettling news..."We wouldn't work out in the future."

Now it took me a couple of weeks to unravel the meaning behind this. He told me he couldn't commit and probably wouldn't commit. He had given me a promise ring a month into the relationship so him calling things off was surprising.

I saw it coming a few weeks before because he became distant. I did what I thought was right, gave him space, acted like nothing was wrong until the day of our breakup I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I knew something was up and that's when he told me the news.

Nothing was wrong in our relationship really. We never fought. We had great chemistry. I loved his family. The only problem was commitment.

Now he's not the average guy on the block. He's smart and respects me, my body, my thoughts. He was a bit of a player before I met him and that's why it took me so long to get into the relationship.

He still likes me and messes with me but won't commit. I believe it's linked to his father, who is a good man, because his father never married and "plays" around. His father is also a noncommittal guy. I saw potential and the day of our breakup he told me his intentions were not to break up with me that day but he didn't want me to be strung along when he realized we couldn't have a future.

I love him very much and are still friends. He acts like we're still together at times even. I want to have a future with him but I just don't know what to do. I can't change him. I can't make him commit.

I will move on but...I'd like to try again in the future. What should I do with him right now? We text a little, he acts distant and I know he is texting his other ex's because he did during the relationship. And another thing...I was his first SERIOUS relationship. Things got deep and he told me he can't handle the emotions and work that goes into it.

I'd still like to be with him since there was so much love left to hang in the wind. Please tell me your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

- Destiny

My Response:

This is exactly how it goes more often than not, Destiny.

When you see the signs that you’re always right about, when you sense it, when you can feel it and you do what you know is best; you give him that space, you go on like nothing has changed, until the reality of what’s really going on with someone like this catches up with the potential that you've clung so tightly to.

It’s only when, as you say, you can’t take living like this anymore, not being true to yourself or to the truth of what you know in your heart, you finally speak up.

And that’s when you find out you can always trust your instincts, you always know when something more is going on. It wasn't news to either of you, but bringing it up freed you both to express yourselves, to tell the truth of what page you were both on and so now you know exactly what you’re dealing with and you can decide where you want to go from here with this, with him.

You are so right for recognizing that you can’t change him, you can’t make him commit.

Just coming to that on your own is huge, Destiny, as so many of us get stuck in that part and only come to this after we've done so much damage to ourselves. The reality, though, is that while you’d like to try again in the future, he has to want to, too.

And so when he tells you that he “can’t handle the emotions and work that goes into it”, when he says “we wouldn't work out in the future”, and when he breaks it down even further for you by explaining that he “couldn't commit” and “probably wouldn't commit”, you have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is making such a point of making sure that you know exactly where he stands and what he isn't going to be doing with you.

Committing.

Whatever his reasons, whatever his father was or wasn't – and yes, our family histories and dynamics are such a contributing factor to so many issues around commitment. But as romantic an idea it is to rescue him from himself, to be that first serious love that conquers all, you’re not here to save or rescue anyone.

True love is about being with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. This isn't someone who's repeatedly telling you with his words - and his actions - that the page he’s on isn't the one you’re on and clearly shows you this when he's texting both you and his other exes at the same time.

But you have to come to this for yourself.

You have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t when you decide what you want to do right now with him. And if you decide you want to wait, there’s only one thing to do. You live your own life.

You live and you live and you live some more. You go places you've never been, you do things you've always wanted to do, you create that beautiful life that just waiting for you to jump in with both feet. You discover your passions and you follow your dreams.

You find the things that stir your very soul.

You don't nag, you don't try to manipulate or control him, you don't play games. You stay true to yourself. You’re honest and you’re real. You don’t compromise on what you want and what you’re willing to settle for.

You keep your options open and adopt the mindset that YOU are the prize here - because that’s exactly what you are! And in this kind of living, you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.

When you live your life like this, you'll find out that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other thoughts, encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Destiny? Share them with us in the comments.

Why He Treats You the Way He Does

366 Comments

A woman is upset after her boyfriend told her he wants to slow things down. — It was all so exciting! But then everything changed.

We're always hoping for the classic story of 'boy meets girl, boy chases girl, girl lets him catch her, and they live happily ever after.'

But real life never seems to follow that story line.

Sure, it starts out that way.

He’s chasing us, we’re being chased, just like boys chase girls in elementary school, and it’s fun! It’s exciting. We feel desired and wanted and worthy and that makes us feel like we've got it going on.

We’re being chosen. Someone’s picked us.

Then all of a sudden, something changes.

He’s got us and he can clearly see we’re hooked. But instead of the ending that was supposed to be, it’s turned into something else.

Suddenly, everything changes.The conquest is over. He’s chosen us and we've accepted and now we've followed what we've been led to believe is what dating and commitment is all about.

We’re ready for that next step. But he isn't.Continue Reading

He Won't Commit and Can't Talk About It

22 Comments

A letter from our beautiful friend, Vicki, who has fallen for a guy who seems to be battling commitment phobia (sound familiar?).

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I've been following your website for several months, and amazed by your laser focus insights. So, now its my turn to reach out to you.

I've been dating him for three months.

He's a fascinating man, we can talk for hours and he compared us to Plato's Symposium - split souls who have found each others missing half. He says we're similar in many ways. He owns a large business and has a packed schedule. I was very busy the first month, so I only accepted a few of his date requests.

After a month and four dates, I told him I was used to long term committed relationships, didn't like a casual dating, but was seeing several guys (no sex) until something clicked.

He said it was too early for a commitment, he likes me "more each time", and lets see where it goes. We started seeing each other on weekends (would stay at his home) and one weekday night.

Every Tuesday, he would attend the opera (corporate box seats for four), but never invited me.Continue Reading

Am I Being Stupid?

41 Comments

Our beautiful friend, Layla, is in a friends with benefits situation and is asking for our help.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

Please can you post this message, as I want to get as much feedback as I can...I am really at the end with this one!

I came across your website today and it really prompted me to write to you for some advice/help.

I have a "friend" who I became close with about 6 months ago and we started sleeping together.

He told me from the start that he did not want to date me and I simply agreed. I thought I could end it anytime and I realize now that I can't.

We have spent every single day together for 6 months, he has met my family, we go out together, movies together etc...

About 3 months ago he moved into my place for about a month, as he lost his job and I told him to come...I then ask him to move out again, as I was struggling with the situation and not being able to call him my boyfriend.

We have done everything together, we got invited to weddings together, cook together, sleep together...EVERYTHING!

He told me I am beautiful and often compliments me, hold my hand, hugs me, kisses me and tries to encourage me.... then there is the other side... he is unemployed, smokes a lot of weed, can sometimes insult me without thinking and often says things about other girls and ask me if I am jealous.

He tells me I deserve to find a good guy but, he will not date me because I am not 'pure' and have a past.

He still smokes weed daily but, I do not give him money for it and he is staying with another guy now who supports him.

Often when we are getting to close, he will tell me that we are not a couple and when I have asked him what he thinks we are...he says really good friends!

When I talk about other guys, he gets jealous and he has very low self-esteem and is always asking me if he is good looking enough, smart enough etc.

I tried to sit him down twice and tell him I can't do this anymore and I even cried my eyes out but, he said he understood and left for 3 weeks. We talk every day on the phone and text and he always says he misses me and loves spending all the time he has with me but, I don't get it!!!

Part of me knows that I need to be strong enough and walk away from this situation, but part of me does not want to lose him and would like us to be just friends.

I don't want to have another talk with him because he says I always push him out when I feel guilty, which is true.

How to I practically deal with this situation, when he texts me every day and asks to come and see me?

Although he no longer stays with me, there are times he comes and stays over... even if there is no sex involved... he will just hug me and watch a movie! I am struggling, this is not my idea of a relationship and I know deep down I deserve to be loved, but I keep justifying that maybe he went through a lot and needs someone to show him she is not going to leave like they all did.... I don't know anymore!

Layla

My Response:

Dear Layla,

There's always a reason we start to question what we're doing.

You see, deep down inside, we know if a situation isn't right for us. We don't really need anyone to tell us.

We know.

We can go for a long time making excuses for someone and convincing ourselves why we should stay and accept the behaviors we're accepting in exchange for whatever benefits we believe we're getting in return.

But at some point, that little nudging within ourselves starts getting a little louder, pushing us to be heard, until we can no longer ignore what's really going on.

And then it begins.

We start to question, we start to ask ourselves kind of questions that get us thinking about what's really going on. We start to see things we didn't see before. And then, as you're now finding out, we come to a place where we no longer wonder if this is OK or not.

Deep down, we know.

And that's where it all begins, Layla.

You see, you're not here to rescue him - or anyone else. Your role isn't to save him to the detriment of your own beautiful self. He's a grown man, and although he may have self-esteem issues and may be going through a hard time right now, these are his issues to sort out and not yours.

I understand you care, you want to help, you want to show him a different kind of love, but the way that he's treating you - the things that he's saying to you - isn't how anyone deserves to be treated.

You've already tried talking to him about all this, and you've gotten your answer from him: he's not going to date you, he doesn't want a committed relationship with you, he's not going to give you anything more than this. He's quite content with the way things are.

And why wouldn't he be? He has you, this beautiful woman you are with so much to offer, so much to give, without having to make any kind of commitment.

It's because you're such a beautiful soul that you're able to convince yourself that you can help him, that he deserves to be helped, and you're so giving, loving, caring, and understanding that you do this so naturally.

All the benefits of a girlfriend, of someone with such a beautiful giving heart as you, and he gets to have all this without giving you anything but a little intimacy and some company when he feels like it. He has it so good!

You know all this, Layla.

Deep down, you know. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts here.

His terms are clear, but what are yours? This is always your decision, you are doing the choosing here, and it comes down to what you're willing to accept and what you're not.

Define your own terms, set your own boundaries.

You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same kind of committed relationship as you do, and is willing to do whatever it takes to have that with you. That's what you deserve, my beautiful friend!

Take out the fear, take out the feeling that this is all there is for you, that he's as good as you're going to get.

These aren't truths, these are fears that have no basis and no place in our lives. It's the opposite, Layla. There is so much more awaiting you! There is such an abundance of love out there for you! Don't hold yourself back believing that love will conquer all and he'll eventually come around, or that you're the heroine in a tragic fairytale.

None of these are true.

What is true is that this is your life to create the way you want it to be be. You choose who you allow in it. You choose what behaviors you allow and which ones you don't. You choose who can call you, who can date you, who can spend time with you, who can have sex with you. You're the one doing the choosing here and not the other way around.

If you've truly had enough, then you know what to do Layla. You are that strong if you want to be.

You can cut off contact with the touch of a button. You can end the back and forth with a word, with an action, with a changed lock if he has a key, with a refusal to open your door and your life - but only if you choose to.

It isn't unkind, it isn't mean, it isn't selfish, it's what loving yourself and putting yourself and your own needs before anyone else looks like.

It is always, always your choice!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? What would you do if you were in Layla's situation? Tell us in the comments!

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

22 Comments

I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.

It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.

And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.

We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.

So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.

The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:

The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.

This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.

No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.

No wonder he was the only guy who would do!

No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!

I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:

Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?

I didn't sign up for this.

And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:

I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.

What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).

It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.

If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.

It was that simple!

But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.

I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.

I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.

I believed it all.

Now I know the truth.

This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.

This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!

You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.

You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!

And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.

You deserve so much more than this.

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The Real Reason He Won't Commit

What about this is loving?

It’s time to free yourself.

He’s not there.

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

My Response:

Why He Treats You the Way He Does

He Won't Commit and Can't Talk About It

Her story:

Am I Being Stupid?

Her Letter:

My Response:

Deep down, we know.

None of these are true.

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

It was that simple!

Now I know the truth.

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