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You are here: Home / Archives for be true to yourself

There's A Reason

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A woman sits on a couch writing on her laptop, looking for dating advice.
When you reach out to me, there’s a reason - even if you don't know it yet.

Last Friday’s post generated a lot of valuable conversations! I want to thank each and every one of you for having the courage to speak up and say what it brought up for you. Now you have something more to work with that you didn't have before!

What did I mean about the difference between following someone else’s advice or particular rules, and making them one’s own? Why was there so much confusion about this vagueness, and why is it actually a very good thing?

Well, let me first back up.

When you reach out to me, there’s a reason. You know there’s something you need, and even though you don’t know what that is, you sense you’re close to an answer and just need that personal response to get it.Continue Reading

How Your 9 Year Old Self Ruined Your Love Life

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Young girl holding flowers looking at the sunset with hearts floating away.
She didn't know...

I'll be the first to agree that sometimes our "aha" moments come to us in the most unusual of places.

Like recently, when I was sitting in the audience at our local high school annual holiday concert.  Listening to the beautiful music being played and sung by these talented young students in the band, the choir, and the orchestra, I realized I had lived my own student years in all the wrong places.

Here in this place where the music touched my soul and made me feel like everything was all right in the world (and especially with me!) it all suddenly became so clear.

With a clarity I never had before, I realized exactly what happened during those formative years that now seem so long ago.

You see, without even knowing it, the words from my older, popular sister (who I secretly aspired to be like) had influenced where I went, where I didn't go, who I was friends with, and who I wasn't friends with.

Five years before me, when my older sister entered high school and had the option to choose band and choir or art and drama, I had overheard her and her friends referring to all the kids who took art and drama as cool and popular, while the ones taking band and choir were described as the opposite.

I never forgot their words.Continue Reading

The Critical First Step to Finding True Love - Know Yourself

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Because once you know yourself, once you figure out who you really are, what you enjoy, and what you are passionate about - then - and only then - you can begin to understand what you’re really looking for. A beautiful woman is contemplating who she really is, trying to get to know herself. Who am I?

When I look back at some of my toughest single days – the days when I really questioned whether I was ever going to get it right in the relationship department, I realize that so much of the heartbreak and fear of abandonment that I felt stemmed from not really knowing who I was.

Oh, I thought I did.

But I didn’t understand that in order to connect with another person in a real relationship, you have to first connect with yourself, to understand who you really are, what makes you tick, what you’re all about, and all things related. Not just who you’ve been brought up to be.

Not who your parents told you you were by the things they said and the way they treated you. Not who your friends and past boyfriends tell you you are by the ways they treat you. Not who your coworkers and bosses tell you you are by the way they interact with you and judge you.Continue Reading

It's Your Decision

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A beautiful woman lies in bed next to her boyfriend, wondering what decision to make.
I know it's not easy.

What can you live with?

Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do, you're not going to change him.

As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him.

So this ultimately comes down to you.

It's time to ask yourself some tough questions.

What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you?

Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him?Continue Reading

The Best Way to Build Confidence

19 Comments

A woman is dancing in the rain because of her confidence.
This one simple change will dramatically boost your confidence!

If it seems to you like everyone else has it all together, knowing just what to do to have a healthy relationship and making it look so easy in the process, while you're struggling along, feeling like there's something wrong with you, well, you're not alone.

I used to feel that way, too.  There always seemed to be someone who did relationships better than I did.

While I was constantly trying to figure someone out, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, figuring out whether I should try to give him some more space or show him just how excited I was about him, there was always someone I knew who had that amazing confidence about them and their particular relationship.

Just confidently being in it, seeing where it went and not putting all their focus and time and energy in it, just being normal about it.

And oh how I would envy her. I wanted to be that nonchalant, too.Continue Reading

How To Know You're Getting Closer To A Real Relationship

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You start to learn that it really does matter that you know yourself well enough to know who it is you're really looking for. Your list changes to reflect the you you're discovering and learning to embrace in love.  A man and woman are holding hands near the ocean.Don't doubt yourself on this journey. It doesn't matter where you've come from or what you've been through. It doesn't matter how many times you feel you've repeated the same mistakes or how many times you've attracted the same type of guy. None of that matters.

What matters is how each experience brings you closer to what you're really looking for. With every heartbreak, with every disappointment, you learn and you grow. You get to know yourself better and you get a clearer sense of what you're willing to put up with and what you're going to be picky about.

You learn to be more flexible in some areas and less in others. You learn what feels good and what feels awful. You stretch, you constrict, you ebb and you flow. You see things more clearly; the fog lifts just that much more.

You start to learn that it really does matter that you know yourself well enough to know who it is you're really looking for. Your list changes to reflect the you you're discovering and learning to embrace in love. You revise it to reflect what is most compatible with the real you and not some version of yourself that you thought was really you. You begin to understand why being emotionally available and having the ability to commit to a real relationship are the number one and two must-haves on your list.  You begin to see why how he treats you matters more than any item on your list.

You stop making excuses for anyone. You start rightly expecting him to pull his own weight and refuse to keep anyone around who brings you down. You stop expecting someone to complete you and make your life over and instead, you realize what you most want is someone who is a real person who you can have an honest, open, loving relationship with. You start living in reality instead of the fantasy that felt so familiar because you thought you needed to be rescued. You finally see that you don't need anyone to come and rescue you; you hold the key to your own happiness.

You stop beating around the bush and you start coming right out and saying what it is you're looking for. First to yourself, and then to him. You begin to really get that it's only by communicating honestly with any potential new guy that you can both find out quicker if you're on the same page or wasting your time. You stop pleasing. You stop placating. You stop being whatever someone else wants you to be. You stop living up to someone else's unrealistic expectations of you and start listening to that soft inner voice that knows you better than anyone else.

And this time, you actually believe it.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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