Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

7 Things I've Learned About Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment

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Green freeway sign with Commitment written on it. — Are we wasting our time? Or will he be different from the rest?

It's happened again.

Just when you thought you were done with attracting yet another guy with commitment issues, you've found yourself once again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit!

How does this happen?

How do we keep repeating this pattern over and over again no matter how much we think we are finally done with men with this MO?

Once again, we find ourselves with a dilemma with no clear answers; how long do we wait around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship?

Are we wasting our time? Or will he be different from the rest? We so want to believe this will be the case!

It can be such a difficult pattern to break when we're attracting the wrong guys until we uncover the root cause of why we are finding guys like this so attractive in the first place. And most of the time it really is us attracting these types of men. It can feel as though we have a unique sense that only seems to know one direction to go in.

His.Continue Reading

Should I Leave Him? 9 Questions to Ask Yourself

And when it's good, it's really good.

Unfortunately, there just aren't that many of these really great times, and as much as you try to keep it going, you're wondering if you're really just wasting your time.

Especially as the clock keeps ticking and you're not any closer to that elusive commitment you're looking for from him.

You keep asking yourself, should I stay in or leave this relationship?

It's the question so many of us have wrestled with at one time or another, and one I hear from so many of my coaching clients - "Should I stay or should I leave?"

Typically followed with "Should I give it a little more time?, and if so, how much?" "Or should I just break up?"

Leaving a relationship is never easy, and deciding when to leave a relationship is one of the most difficult decisions to make.

If you're like most of us, you just want someone to tell you what to do, give you some assurance that you're doing the right thing. But everyone you talk to gives you a different answer until you are completely confused as to what to do.

Well, I have good news for you.Continue Reading

How We Get Hooked

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A beautiful woman is hooked on a guy that is not treating her well. — This is how it happens.

What happens to us that we, perfectly intelligent, level headed women suddenly begin justifying to ourselves, beyond all sense of reason, why he’s treating us the way he does, why it's OK that he has rules about how often he can spend time with us, why it's understandable that he needs so much "guy time", why it always has to be the way HE wants it to be?

And why do we continue to believe that we’re so much better off with him than on our own?

The reality is you're not.

We’d be so much better off on our own at this point, so much better off without this guy bringing us down, doing a number on our self-esteem, but we have such a hard time believing that because when it's good, it really is that good, and we tend to focus so much on those moments that we forget how it feels the rest of the time.Continue Reading

Don't Go There

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It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. To see how he now feels about you, about the relationship, now that some time has passed. To see if anything has changed.

You didn't really want it to end, but he wasn't ready for what you were ready for, and things just weren't the same, so you finally accepted that the only thing left to do for yourself and your self-esteem was to let go and let him go free. It just wasn't working out the way you'd so hoped it would.

Or maybe he ended it, saying he just wasn't ready for any kind of real relationship, the kind of commitment you were looking for from him.

It ended.

Whatever the reason, whoever initiated the ending, whatever it looked like in the end, it ended.

And now, here you are, thinking about him again, about what might have been, about what could still be if only he would give you and the relationship another chance.

You had no idea just how much this would hurt. Just how painful it would be to live without any part of him in your life, even if what you got from him was so little. This feels so much worse.

So you call him, text him, or maybe email him. And the response you get leaves you feeling so much worse than you ever felt the first time. You can't believe you read him so wrong. He's not missing you. He's moved on. He wasn't waiting for you to call.

Or worse, he doesn't answer you at all, just leaves you hanging on again, feeling worse than if you had never contacted him at all.

Don't go there.

The bottom line is, don't do this. Don't put yourself through this.

You see, my beautiful friend, he knows. It doesn't matter how it ended. It doesn't matter if he ended it, if you finally had enough and ended it yourself or if it slowly ended on its own from lack of attention or attrition, the end result is the same.

He knows that you didn't want it to end. He knows all too well just how much you wanted it to be different. He knows it's about him. He knows it's over because he's not ready to give you what you had every right to want from him in a relationship – the kind of commitment everyone deserves.

But he wasn't able to do it, and he is still isn't. He knows it's his move, his choice. He knows it's up to him. Whether or not he won't, or can't, or just isn't capable of changing, he knows what needs to change to make this relationship work. And nothing has changed if you're the one still reaching out to him for another chance, another try.

If it's going to be, it's not up to you; it has to come from him. And you'll know because he'll be the one reaching out to you. But don't hold your breath, my sweet friend, because he doesn't think like you do. Don't go there.

Call a friend instead.

Call someone you trust your tears with, and let it all out.

Of course it hurts, of course it feels like you'll never find love again. Like you'll never find anyone to love again like him. And of course it will feel like those crumbs you settled for were so much better than this. But they weren't. And he wasn't worth what you put yourself through. And that beautiful, soft heart of yours deserves so much more than this.

No matter how much this makes you feel like love just doesn't exist for you, don't let you heart get hardened. This isn't about him, it's really about you. And how much there is just waiting for you out there if you can go through this now until you get to the other side.

I promise you that one day, this will all make sense, and you will see so clearly what you can't see today, or tomorrow or even the next day after that. But one day, soon, you will wake up after finally being able to sleep again, and you will see that glimmer of sunshine peer out from underneath all those dark clouds, and you will discover a whole new world of love and life just waiting for you to take a chance on it.

Tomorrow's a new day, and it will be here soon. But don't do this to yourself today. It will only make you feel so much worse.

For now, you're learning that you do have strength that you never knew you had, that you do have worth beyond what you ever even knew.

This is your time to find yourself and your you again. Go and find her; she's wonderful.

When He Won't Commit

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You've tried to move on so many times. You've shed more tears over this guy than would fill an entire ocean. You've done everything you can, you've tried everything you've read or heard to get him to commit to you in the way you want him to commit to you. You've hoped and waited and then hoped some more, spending more time and energy analyzing him than you're comfortable admitting. And nothing has changed. You don't want to believe that you might have to let this wonderful guy go, but you're starting to wonder if you're just wasting your time with him.

No one seems to understand.

No one seems to understand you and what you’re going through; the agony and the ecstasy, the highs and the lows (oh those awful lows), and the highs that keep you in it, keep you sticking around convincing yourself that eventually he’s going to get it. This time is going to be it. Those wonderful (albeit few) moments with him that keep you on the begging end, keep you wishing and hoping and staying right where you are all in the hopes of finally getting him to see the light. Of you. Your light.

You’re not alone.

And more importantly, what you're feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. I know; you feel like you can’t admit to anyone just how deep you are in this. You have a hard time believing it yourself. And every time you even think about leaving him, getting out, it’s enough to give you a panic attack. Everyone tells you how easy it should be. Because of the way he treats you. Because of the way you feel most of the time with him. Because, because, because.

You know in your head that they’re right. On the head level, you get it. But none of that matters to you when it’s your heart that’s going through this, when even the thought of being without him turns your world upside down. There’s no one you can talk to about this because your friends are all tired of hearing about it over and over again. And they can’t understand why you don’t just leave him once and for all. And you’re starting to wonder if you might be a little crazy yourself for not being able to just do it. But you can’t. No matter how much you want to, you just can't him go.

It has nothing to do with you.

Just know that the reason he won't commit to you has nothing to do with you. This is all about him.

There are so many possible reasons why he can't bring himself to commit to you, and none of them will make any sense to you, so don't waste your time trying to figure him out. It's time to simply accept that you've done all you can. If you've tried my recommendations to move him along and he still won't commit, then the answer should be clear. It's been too long, it's been too much. It's time to make a clean break and focus on you and the life you've been putting in the background.

Who are you? What do you love to do? What makes you happy? What makes you feel alive?

Find your way back.

Don't do it to hurt him, or as an ultimatum, or in the hopes that he'll now see just how awful and empty his life is without you. Do it for you, and because it's the best thing for you and your life, your values, and to move on and find what you want in your life. This isn't about him.

Know without a doubt that if he is the one for you, he will come around and he will contact you, but it's time to stop waiting and hanging around, wasting your life away waiting for him to come around. If he come's around then he'll come around, but don't expect him to or keep hoping he will - just move on with your life without looking back.

You deserve so much more than this, my beautiful friend, and you waiting around for someone who doesn't even appreciate you is no way to live. It's time to choose you over him and start learning to live again, living the life you were born to live.

In the light of that beautiful woman known as you.

Is He Worth It?

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I heard you crying yourself to sleep last night, you still haven't heard from him, but you're sure he’ll come around.

Is he worth it?

I heard you talking on the phone yesterday, saying he didn't come home last night, but you tell yourself he probably just had to work late again and stayed downtown with a friend.

Is he worth it?

I heard you turning down an invitation to a party tomorrow night, because he's working late again and you don't want to go alone, again. But you tell yourself it's only temporary, even though it never seems to end.

Is he worth it?

I saw your bedroom light on late last night; you can't sleep because he's supposed to be calling after he gets back from yet another night out with the guys. But he's done this so many times before, and you keep forgiving him.

Is he worth it?

I saw those tears begin to fall when you saw that couple running to meet each other at the airport. But he always tells you not to bother to come.

Is he worth it?

I heard your voice shake when you made yet another excuse for him while telling your friend that you still believe he'll change.

Is he worth it?

I see you, beautiful, looking into the darkness, wondering where he is and whatever happened to the two of you. Refusing to give up on the dream of him and you, yet wondering why you're the only one who seems to care.

Going through the emotional rollercoaster of the highs and lows of being in a relationship with someone like him.

You can't explain it; you love him so, no matter how he treats you, but you also know, deep down inside, that something isn't right. In your heart of hearts you know you deserve better than this, you know there's more to life than living like this, but he's got so much potential, so much of what you want, if only he would grow up.

If only he would realize how much he needs you. If only he would open his eyes to see all that you are and all that you have to offer him.

You've tried imagining life without him, you've tried to picture going it alone, again, you've tried to picture yourself finding that strength within to live the life you've dreamed of, but have found yourself stuffing into the background.

You're going to miss him too much, you say; it hurts too much to let him go. You need him. He's everything you've looking for in someone, if only he would commit to you. You're scared to let him go; he might be ready for that commitment just when you leave. You're scared to be without him. And scared to be with him, throwing your life away like this.

My question to you, my dear, beautiful friend, is this:

Is he worth it? Is he really worth it?

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7 Things I've Learned About Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment

Should I Leave Him? 9 Questions to Ask Yourself

And when it's good, it's really good.

How We Get Hooked

The reality is you're not.

Don't Go There

It ended.

Don't go there.

Call a friend instead.

When He Won't Commit

No one seems to understand.

You’re not alone.

It has nothing to do with you.

Find your way back.

Is He Worth It?

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