Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

How to Get Over a Break Up

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You remember the good times all too well. You can recall every wonderful moment you spent together. You can recount each and every time he told you he loved you. You can recite every loving word he ever said to you.

Of course you can. That’s the type of beautiful and sensitive soul you are!

And so it should come as no surprise that now that you are no longer together, no matter how hard you try you still believe deep down inside that you would be better off still together. No matter what anyone says. No matter how much anyone tries to convince you otherwise.

You miss him.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re missing having someone to spend your Friday night with, or whether it’s because you hate being alone, the reality is that you’re struggling to remember why it wasn’t working, why you couldn’t make it work, and why it had to end.

If only I had done this differently, you lament. If only I hadn’t said what I did, you second guess. Whatever you think you could have done to save it, or keep him happy, or keep your mouth shut, you’re convinced you’ve lost the love of your life. If only you could just have somehow been that much stronger, that less needy, that much more confident, it would have made all the difference.

And so, with these wonderful memories of the two of you living happily together, you spend your time and energy beating yourself up like this over and over again.

Why do so many of us identify with this?

I get it, because it was always what I fell into, too, after yet another relationship ended too soon for me that had shown so much potential. I didn’t know how not to go there. I had no idea how to get over a break up.

But the only thing it does when you spend your time and energy filling your mind with those happy memories is keep you stuck. It zaps your energy. Steals your strength. Keeps you down. And leaves you with nothing left to give to the one person who knows the truth – you!

It’s time to stop this.

I know all too well what it does to our beautiful hearts and souls when we leave things with the promise to leave a candle burning in the window for him – whether we say this out loud or not. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to see the relationship in the light of what really was, not just this selective memory version of those happy memories together that leave out the whole rest of the story. The reality of how we really felt much of the time when we were with him, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and come out of our own deeply embedded state of denial.

Here’s how we finally move past these old scripts that only tell a small part of the story, and move on to the real story that is waiting for us to discover.

Here's how to get over a break up:

Remember all those times you were miserable.

Remember all those tears you shed.

Remember how alone you felt so much of the time - even though you were with him.

Remember all those conversations with your best friend lamenting how he was treating you or how he just wouldn’t commit.

Remember all the ways you weren’t on the same page, didn’t have the same priorities, and didn’t want the same things.

Remember the specific times, the individual instances where it was anything but good. The times you waited, the time you wasted, the moments of the relationship where you felt anything but happy.

Remember those and write it all down.

Write out the real story.

Write it all down and repeat to yourself enough times so that those are the thoughts you remember when you start to beat yourself up for not being enough for him! You know the truth. Your beautiful heart knows the story that you deserve, and both your heart and soul know that it wasn’t that.

If it was, it would have been. You would still be together. Because two people who are meant to be together always are; but only if they’re both on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That’s what real love is all about.

Yes, remember the good times too - there's no reason to bury those wonderful memories and you don't ever want your heart to get hardened. But this exercise will take the relationship out of the land of fairytales and into the land of reality. The reality that it just wasn't the right relationship for either of you.

And then allow yourself to be happy that you are now free to find real love with the guy that's right for you.

How about you? What do find is the best way to get over a break up? Tell us about it in the comments!

Does She Deserve This?

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I saw her sitting there all alone today, watching all the couples laughing around her. She was still waiting for him to show … does she deserve this?

I saw her trying to hide the tears as she kept checking her phone for that message that never came … as she was silently wondering why he hasn't called...does she deserve this?

I heard her telling them he's been so busy at work lately, that's why she's there without him again, and she knew what they were thinking, even if they didn't say it out loud, because she thought it, too … does she deserve this?

I heard the door slams, the awful language, the harsh words, and then the pleading not to leave, as he left anyway … does she deserve this?

I heard her talking on the phone, telling him never to call her again, then I heard the sobs that came after she put her phone down when it all sunk in … does she deserve this?

I heard him telling her so many lies, stringing her along, for a reason that never makes any sense – but still she stays … does she deserve this?

You think it will be different this time, but you've chosen someone with the same story.

You think he will be different this time, but you've found someone who's actually the same guy as the last one, even though he's got a different name and a different look.

You think it's going to get better if you just give it a little more time.

You think he's going to come around and make a commitment to you if you just hang on a little longer.

It's time to stop believing so much in him, and start believing in someone who is worth believing in – YOU.

You choose, you decide.

The only person who can change this is you.

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

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I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.

It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.

And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.

We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.

So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.

The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:

The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.

This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.

No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.

No wonder he was the only guy who would do!

No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!

I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:

Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?

I didn't sign up for this.

And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:

I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.

What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).

It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.

If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.

It was that simple!

But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.

I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.

I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.

I believed it all.

Now I know the truth.

This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.

This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!

You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.

You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!

And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.

You deserve so much more than this.

Do I Need to Move On?

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Our beautiful friend Olivia is wondering if she needs more patience, or if she just needs to move on. Read on for her story:

Dear Jane,

I'm 24 and have been dating my boyfriend, who is 25, for 2 years now.

When I first met him, he had never really dated or been in a long term relationship. His reasoning was that he just never had the interest or the time to invest. Our first year of dating we rushed into things, moved in together and found that it was quite different then we had assumed.

He's thoughtful, but it seems to be in all the wrong ways. He will tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, yet refuses to acknowledge things like when I state that we should go out and do something romantic or exciting. I've always tried to lead by example; I've even just taken myself out on dates thinking that it may click.

He tells me that he doesn't understand what I want, I am being too needy. The biggest problem is lack of responsibility. A year ago, we had a very intense falling out which led to us moving out of our beautiful apartment. The falling out was a concoction of him not having a job, me getting too angry. It was more or less a severe lack of understanding and responsibility on both ends.

We both moved in with family and began to work on things. About 3 months of working on things and he started to come stay with me. It's been a year now, and we live with my parents. I am 24... I should not be living with my parents with my boyfriend of 2 years! Constantly I remind him that we are adults, we need to do something about this.

I once got as far as setting myself up with roommates and when I told him of this, he threatened to leave me because that was appropriate.

There always seems to be something, his car breaks down, he loses his job, he needs to pay debt and when the money issues go away it turns into, "Well you just get too angry about everything. I don't know if we should live together." But we do live together!

I am angry because I've patiently waited over a year, I've saved the money, I've looked around, I've found him new jobs and I've supported him in every aspect thus far in fear that will think I am not being sensitive enough. I love him. I love him with all of my heart, he loves me but he just can't grow up. He's sensitive, but I feel like he is taking advantage of me.

Do I need to have more patience? Do I need to move on?

I don't want these past 2 years of hard work to be for nothing. Staying and leaving both feel equally terrible.

My Response:

Dear Olivia,

I hear you. You love this guy, you just want things to be different! This is really difficult, because it sounds to me like he loves you, like he wants to be with you, too, but he's got these issues that are huge for him - and you. Have you heard of the term enabler? Because my first thought as I was reading your email, is that this guy has got it so good with you. You find him jobs, you save up money, you find a place for both of you, you take him in when things aren't working out for him, he's basically got it made with you.

He doesn't really have any reason to grow up, because other than you getting angry with him sometimes for not growing up and doing some of this work himself - which is completely understandable - he has got everything he could ever want with you. You are the perfect complement to him. Whatever he lacks, you make up for it.

You are more than patient, more than understanding, more than the perfect girlfriend to him. And yes, you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship and in him, so of course the thought of giving it up feels awful, and yet, the thought of living another two years like this is probably not what you have in mind either.

It really comes down to you. And what you can and can't live with. What a deal breaker is to you, and whether or not you're going to be ok continuing to live like this indefinitely if nothing changes on his end.

Because he doesn't have a whole lot of reason to change or motivation to do anything different when you keep taking care of things for him.

But on the other hand, if he knows how you feel, and you've communicated this with him, then he does know you're not happy living like this and you want to see some changes. The question is this: Is he capable of making the changes you want to see in him? Is he able to grow up and become more responsible, more of the man you want him to be?

Only you know what he's worth to you, what the relationship is worth to you the way it is, not the way you want it to be. So you have to decide what living like this with him versus not living like this without him is worth to you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can stop doing all the things you do for him to see if he picks up the slack and see what that looks like. You can keep showing him by your actions what you are and are not willing to put up with. And if you decide that you really can't do this while still living at your parents' house with him, then you can ask him to leave and just go back to dating him to see what that looks like and feels like to both of you.

Maybe he just wants someone to take care of him and the responsibilities of life - if that's really what he's looking for, can you live with that? Sometimes love looks different than how we pictured it. Only you know what you can and can't live with.

But whatever you decide, Oliva, know that if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if both of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do what it takes to make this work.

I hope this gives you some things to think about. It's tough when you love someone and yet there's a big "but" that goes with those words. You do know deep in your heart what the answer is here, and sometimes, the answers come simply by focusing back on you and your life and letting him fade into the distance so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much. Sometimes, we just need to keep living our own life and doing the things that make us happy, and the answers come to us when we least expect it.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other ideas, advice or encouragement for Olivia? Tell us in the comments!

The Biggest Regret

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"The biggest regret I have is letting people stay in my life longer than they deserve" (author unknown).

I read this quote the other day and it hit home with me on a whole new level. Whether it's men who clearly weren't on the same page as me or friends who were no longer behaving like friends, if there was one single thing I would have done differently, it was this.

And yet, if you're anything like me, how do you know when it's been enough time? How do you really know when it's been too long? Because you have such a beautiful, loving, giving, understanding heart, you know all too well just how good it could be because it shows so much potential. And so you have such a hard time knowing when it's time to move on let someone out of your life. After all, what if, you wonder?

You've already invested so much.

It comes down to you, again. That theme is always there, isn't it? Because that's the beauty of this. Yes, it's you allowing this again. Allowing yourself to go there, to believe it can still be different this time with him. Allowing yourself to believe his excuses, to forgive him yet again, to see past the obvious to what only you seem to be able to see. To be so understanding. But because you're the one allowing this, you are also the one who can set your boundaries and draw that line in the sand on what you are no longer willing to allow. You are in control here.

You are no longer the victim.

When he won't commit, when he doesn't call, when he all but disappears, when he treats you that way, when you put him on that pedestal and put yourself so far beneath him that you can't see the truth anymore.

This is you choosing him. This is you not choosing you.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

If he won't commit, and you want a commitment, what about this works for you?

If he doesn't call – or text, or communicate with you in whatever way he said he would – could it be you have your answer from the silence?

If he all but disappears, why do you have to make this about you? He's the one who disappeared.

If he's treating you in a way that doesn't honor or respect or show you he loves you, why are you choosing to allow yourself to be treated like this?

No one deserves to be put on a pedestal. We are equals regardless of what gender we are, how intelligent we are, how beautiful or handsome we are, how "together" we are, what we do for a living, how much money we make, what kind of car we drive, how educated we are … I could go on and on.

When you're ready, in your own time, let him know it's your time. It's not his time anymore. You can always keep living like this, it's always your choice, my beautiful friend, but if there's one common thread that unites this entire community, it's the one that says it's your turn. Your choice. Your life. Your turn. Find that strong voice within you. See what she's capable of. See what she can do. She's there, just waiting her turn. Don't disappoint her.

Show her the life she was born to live!

Is It Time to Give Up?

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Dear Jane,

I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cities, about 45 minutes apart.

When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month ( i knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.

We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!

We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.

However sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try. We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with.

I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine. My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be?

After he ended it in the beginning I ask him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out! But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think?

Help please, and just incase, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs. I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for me then what he is currently giving me.

My Response:

Dear Rita,

He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows. He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this, and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows and what you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable with giving you. I don't think he knows when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him - and, no, you're not asking for too much! Since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.

So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that you are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus. But I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!

Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with. If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away; and if it does, know that at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.

If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him. If he's content with the way things are, know that you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you. We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.

Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do. And know that you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful women known as you! Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so know that as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness - that is all that really matters.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional ideas, advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Rita? Share them with us in the comments!

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How to Get Over a Break Up

You miss him.

It’s time to stop this.

Here's how to get over a break up:

Write out the real story.

Does She Deserve This?

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

It was that simple!

Now I know the truth.

Do I Need to Move On?

My Response:

The Biggest Regret

You've already invested so much.

You are no longer the victim.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

Is It Time to Give Up?

My Response:

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