What do you do when the guy you've been seeing for three months ghosts you and just disappears?
Poof. Nothing. He ghosted you!
That's what happened to Anna who wrote me last week with two words in her subject line.
What happened?
I know exactly what happened and I'm going to tell her and you below.
But first, here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I've been in contact with this guy who showed all signs of interest and said such sweet things to me. Things said at a start of a relationship.
Though we talked on the phone it would be at long intervals and I noticed I was the one initiating each conversation but he was always happy to talk to me. We did not meet in person a lot, about 4 times in 3 months.
He was willing to tell me a few personal matters in his life and one night I messaged him and told him I wanted to talk to him about how things are going because I have been getting mixed signals all the time.
He said he definitely wanted to talk to me.
The first time did not work out because of a car issue that I ended up helping him out with. I tried again 2 weeks later and the Sunday I spoke to him he said he will call me that night or next day. I told him next day would be better.
I also wrote in my previous message that I was wondering what was going on and I didn't know what he wanted. I keep getting mixed signals and I wanted clarity from him.
Next night came and he didn't call. A day later I messaged asking if he was ok and that he hadn't called. No response.
I got angry for a moment because he has been inconsistent the last three months and I felt he was blowing me off a second time. I wrote that I did not want to hear from him again and I was done with this.
I felt bad for sounding so mean regardless of his actions and I sent him a sincere apology for my angry and emotional answer. I told him I did not want to be at odds with him.
I haven't heard back in more than a week now since he said he would call and didn't. I don't understand what happened.
Regardless of inconsistency and odd time intervals he always called and always kept up with plans that were made. He never backed out. To suddenly do this is baffling.
He won't respond to my last message and I asked him to tell me if I did something wrong.
He just disappears. I don't know why.
- Anna
My Response:
I can tell you exactly why he disappeared, Anna.
He didn't "definitely" want to talk to you about how things are going and why you were getting mixed signals from him. He didn't want to talk about this at all.
He was willing to just disappear rather than talk to you and address your concerns. That's how much he didn't want to talk about how things are going. The reason why he never backed out of your plans before was because before you weren't wanting to have "the talk".
As soon as you wanted to talk, he was out of there.
I have these conversations a lot with the women I coach.
Why didn't he call back when he said he would? Why did he act like he wanted to talk and then never follow through?
And then it usually turns into some form of ... what did I do wrong? What should I have done instead? He was giving mixed signals, wasn't it ok I wanted to ask him about that?
And what I tell them is the same thing I'm going to tell you. If you have to ask someone why the mixed signals, if their actions aren't clear, there's a reason.
What is it? Because you're in a push-pull relationship with them.
Push too much, they pull away. After they've pulled away and found the right amount of space they're comfortable with, they're back pushing for more again.
Then just when you think they're back because their actions are showing you they're back, you get comfortable enough to believe you're in an actual relationship with them and that gets too close again for them and they're back pulling away again.
Then you're back in the same pattern all over again.
The only way this stops, is if one of you does something different. You have no control over what he's doing, so it has to come from you.
You don't ask. You don't push for more. You don't act like it's a real relationship.
In other words, you detach, you remind yourself you don't really know this guy yet so you're just going to take it slow and get to know him really well instead of assuming you're on your way to a committed relationship with Mr. Right who's on the same page as you.
You observe and take it all as information for you to note as you're looking for consistent behavior over time. Behavior that tells you who this guy is and what he's looking for WITHOUT asking him.
His actions are going to tell you so much more than what he decides to tell you ever will.
Does his behavior tell you he's on the same page as you? Does he act like he's looking for a committed relationship the same as you? Is he the one initiating conversations about what you both are looking for? Does he act like he actually cares how you feel and doesn't want to risk losing you by giving you mixed signals that you could interpret as he's not that serious about you?
A good guy doesn't dare risk losing you by sending you mixed signals in the first place. A guy who's actually looking for a real relationship is clear about his intentions, doesn't leave you guessing and while it may take him awhile to get there because he cares about actually getting to know you, not just sleeping with you, he'll give you enough clear signals along the way so you won't have to call your girlfriends after every conversation to interpret what they mean.
I've been there more than a few times and it's only after that you see it so clearly so I'm pointing this big red flag out now.
Don't beat yourself up over asking him in the first place, Anna. If you had to ask, you already had your answer.
His actions told you he didn't want to have that kind of talk, the way he avoided you and then disappeared only confirmed the reason why you wanted to have that talk in the first place.
Don't go there. Don't do this to yourself.
You knew. You already knew by his mixed signals - the whole reason you wanted to talk - that there was a problem.
So what would have happened if you had gone along with him and not brought anything up and just watched? I can tell you because I spend a good chunk of my time coaching women through this part.
They watch and observe his behavior and WE talk instead of them talking to a guy who isn't giving them any signals that he's wanting to be part of a two-way conversation about how their relationship is going. And pretty soon they have their answers and all the clarity they needed because a guy is always going to show you who he is and what he wants and whether or not he's ready for a real committed relationship.
Your guy? He was giving you all he had. Mixed signals.
He liked you, he had fun talking to you and seeing you those 4 times in 3 months, but anything more than that, mixed signals. When you actually wanted to communicate, to talk and do a status check, he ghosted you. He's gone. Not asking for that conversation would only have delayed his ghosting.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Any thoughts for Anna and the guy who ghosted her? Tell us in the comments!
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