When he says "Let's see where it goes", the reality is it's a red flag every single time. Even though YOU think it’s reasonable because, well, "I don't even know!"
Here's the truth.
It’s not reasonable. It’s not.
It’s not an opening to what could be the most amazing relationship of your life – the one with Mr. Right.
And yes, that’s even if you don’t even know if this is the guy you want or the relationship you want until YOU “see where it goes.”
Here’s why.
You know why you’re here. You know what you’re looking for.
You're looking for a relationship – a real one – even if you’re not either going to be committing to someone who isn’t ultimately compatible with you.
But even as you might be saying “Let’s see where this goes” yourself, you know exactly what you want.
A relationship that leads to a commitment.
Love. Friendship. Honesty. Trust. Safety. Security.
Authentic communication. Equality. Emotional availability.
And everything that every one of these things mean in real life in a real relationship where it’s safe for you to have a voice and you don’t have to be walking on eggs shells worrying about elephants in the room!
To you, “see where it goes”, means you’re being smart to hold off on getting too attached or losing your objectivity while you’re getting to know this person better.
He may say it means the same thing to him and he may actually believe it does, but to him, it actually means something very different.
It’s his way of avoiding commitment.
You’re not avoiding commitment. You want a commitment. You’re looking for a commitment.
You’re hoping this is going to be the guy who you can sign off on all the dating sites for and be finally done with this whole dating thing altogether. And once again, he may say everything you’re saying is what he’s saying, but it’s different if he doesn’t know exactly what he wants.
It’s different if he doesn’t know what a real commitment actually looks like. It’s different when he says “Let’s see where it goes” to your asking him the question of “Where are we going?”
It’s because you’re the one asking. He’s responding. He’s not asking. He’s only responding.
The number one mistake we make is assuming that if he’s responding to us in a favorable way, or at least not in a negative or non-responsive way, it means he’s on the same page as we are. But it’s two things here. It’s the fact that he’s not the one asking where you’re going AND the fact that you even have to ask it at all that’s concerning to me.
The guy who eventually became my husband asked me what I was looking for before I ever asked him, and I never needed to ask him because his actions clearly showed me within the first few months of dating him that he was looking for precisely the same thing I was.
A real relationship.
This was the first time I ever understood the difference between this and what I always thought I had. THIS was what was missing!
And the guys who my clients eventually end up in a real relationship with never leave their girlfriends to wonder where they stand or if they’re just “seeing where it goes”. They don’t give off that vibe and they don’t show them that with their actions either.
Think about how insecure you are in a new relationship no matter how confident you were before you met him. So you have to have someone who’s asking you these questions or who’s giving you absolutely no reason to doubt there’s an “us” that’s assumed when he’s looking toward the future.
Yes, you’re just getting to know him. And yes, he’s just getting to know you. And sure there’s lots of time left to disqualify him or you as you get to know more about each other and as you discover the whole point of dating; finding out if this is the guy you’re actually compatible with.
But if you’re not both going into this with absolute clarity that you know what you want and you know what that looks like, by the time you’re ready to have this type of conversation because you don’t know for sure, you NEED to know HE knows for sure.
If you don’t, something’s wrong.
And that’s the whole point of all of this. Knowing when something’s wrong early enough so you don’t have to endure the pain and heartbreak of looking back and seeing the red flag you missed because you were so busy justifying why you deserved to be with someone at all!
These red flags matter. Especially the ones you’re not used to seeing because giving someone more of a break than you ever give yourself has always been your point of view.
Love,
Jane
Have you been here? Are you here now? I’d love to hear what’s on your mind in the comments below.
This post clarified this for me, Jane. Thank you. I always felt a bit uneasy about hearing those words. I knew I didn't like them, but it also felt rather unfair for me to jump ship when I'm also not entirely sure what I want. Now I know I do know and even when I don't, I'm not out to toy with anyone. Hard to swallow the fact that men more often than not think differently based on how they're socialized.
Yes, very hard when you meet a guy first time and if there is an attraction it then comes down to where do we go, hard to take it slow, hard to know what other one is thinking, ive met quite a few guys and i still get it totally wrong, think lots of guys just looking for one nighters on dating sites, thats something. I have no wish to be.
It helped me when I switched dating sites.
I started to refuse to ever use one that even offered casual dating, friends with benefits, married but looking, or sex partner etc as options.
I realized my future husband wouldn’t be looking for his future wife on a site like that (or by going to clubs and bars a lot ).
So I started to look for other dating sites and also other places to go in person, where my potential husband (who I determined would be kind, hard-working, humble, sincere, okay on his own but looking for marriage, honest, likes to volunteer (and of course someone I would be super attracted to)) would go. That was a game changer!
The quality of men and what they wanted as well as how they approached dating and how they acted changed!!
What site did you have a better outcome on?
I decided my faith was most important to me so I focused on a smaller, faith-based website.
I know a couple who is very happily married (both in 40’s, she was divorced with 3 young children, he was never married before) and they met on a website about biking (both loving biking, him more so though).
Another line they will feed you when they don't want a commitment. Let's keep it simple. I've learnt to run when I hear that. Lol
Well, I'm that guy! Except of course I'm not a guy. But I'm NOT sure exactly what I'm looking for. I have no clue what a real relationship looks like. I don't really know how much commitment I want. Definitely not kids, probably not marriage, maybe not even living together. So yeah, when I start dating someone, I'm going to see where it goes...
I agree with Anne! I don't know what I want either lol!
At this point a companion to do things with. Def not marraige or a live in.
This is something we both agree on and we talked about it before we started dating.
But that is then a clearer idea, isn’t it? It isn’t actually let’s see where it goes with hints of pretending to promise you thinking /wanting what the other wants. But it a more upfront clear, I am going in already knowing that at this point in my life journey, I doubt it will be marriage or kids.
And that is completely fine if all parties are clear on that and accept it. In my 20’s and 30’s that totally worked for me!
In my 40’s, I realized it was a huge red flag. I was out there then bc I wanted to see if marriage was in the cards for me. I didn’t know if that person would be it but I did know my goal and also that I was evaluating them with eyes as to long term compatibility. If they weren’t on same page, there was no point then to waste time on them or risk getting attached (same too if they didn’t share certain values/other things that I already realized were must haves, why bother then getting to know them; there plenty potential guys out there with the must haves (for me: i’m very attracted to him; he humble, does volunteer work, nonsmoker, no drugs, not into going out to clubs etc, hard-working or willing to work hard when/if necessary, sincere, kind, Heart for God).
And if we both were on same page to start (“marriage-minded”) but at some point one of us realizes that whereas that other person IS wonderful, they not the one we going to marry or suddenly we no longer marriage-minded, then we owe it to the other to tell them that and let them make a fully informed decision about whether to continue or not.
In my 40’s, I was happy single and didn’t want to get in one long term relationship after the other anymore, deal with the angst that can come with it, or waste time. I was dating for a purpose, to rule out (or rule in) that person for me as a marriage person, knowing I could have a full life with volunteer work, travel, friends, family, without someone.
It worked. I found someone doing the same. Quite a few actually and so it made being honest easy (for example, about if we were developing or not developing feelings) bc we wanted to be fair and kind to that person and not interfere with their journey or waste their time and I ended up marrying one of them.
It prob took us each about a year or more to decide the other was the right one and another year to marry but we remained upfront through it all. He knew I would leave if he suddenly decided I didn’t fall into category of seriously potentially the one or he realized he no longer marriage minded. Same for me.
It was never that we had to know immediately or rush to marry, it was more this is where we are in our lives and this is why we are even bothering with the entire dating thing and let’s respect that about each other. Be conscious how valuable time is so we don’t drag out something with “let’s see where it goes” or “ one never knows” as we think vaguely, yes, at some point I will be ready to marry. It NOT wrong to think that, it just means you not near that point. You at a very different stage in your life journey.
We now been married for 5+ years.
I have read this several times today. It finally clicked. Feeling so overwhelmingly... humbled and inspired. Seriously: I think my life just changed. Thank you for sharing EC.