We'd been talking about the guy who just broke up with her so coldly. He ended it over a text message, then blocked her.
It felt so cold. So cruel.
And like most of us who, looking back, can see that there were warning signs we ignored because we didn't want to see them, the reality is, she didn't deserve this kind of an ending without answers, without a chance to have an actual conversation.
And yet, this is where she is.
So on a particularly hard day, her birthday, when her hopes that he might reach out and send her a text or something, and she got nothing from him, she wrote to me to ask the same question that I hear from so many of you.
Did I seriously do anything wrong? From what you know of the situation with my ex, and knowing me....did I seriously do anything wrong?
I answered her with a response that I told her I'd elaborate on the blog, because I want each of you who's ever asked this same question of yourselves to hear my answer once and for all, so you don't have to keep coming back down this road every time a relationship ends before you're ever ready for it to.
No, you didn't do anything seriously wrong.
Regardless of your very specific situation, regardless of the fact that I don't know you as well as I know this particular woman who wrote to me because she's been a coaching client of mine, the answer I have for you remains the same.
The very term "wrong" is a subjective one when it comes to relationships. What is "right" for one person in any given relationship isn't necessarily "right" for someone else. And while we all know clingy and needy behaviors are universally not attractive to anyone looking for a healthy relationship, even those behaviors that would fall under the umbrella of clingy and needy are still not absolute deal breakers if someone you're entering into a relationship with is clingy or needy themselves.
There are all kinds of unhealthy relationships out there; it only matters if you want a healthy one for yourself.
The only question that bears asking here is were you yourself with this person?
Were you true to yourself? Did how you behave and the behaviors you exhibited reflect who you really are?
If your answer is yes, than what you found out is that this person is clearly not your person. You found out that he's not on the same page as you.
You found out who you are and who he is and what he was looking for, weren't compatible.
No, this isn't personal. No, this isn't a permanent stain on your ability to attract someone else and be loved by someone who will love you for you. This just means this one guy - one guy! - wasn't your guy.
For whatever reason.
If your answer is no, then where you go from here is clear. Don't try so hard that you become something or someone you're not. Don't look to someone else's cues of what you think they want before you decide who you are in a relationship.
People pleasers are only attractive to those who aren't looking for healthy, equal relationships, and girl, if you haven't figured this out by now, let me be clear by telling you a healthy, equal relationship is the only kind you want!
I'm telling you the same thing I'm telling her.
The most important thing you can EVER do is be as true to yourself as you possibly can. There are some who will be drawn closer to you and find you even more attractive to them the more they get to know the real you.
And there are others who will find the opposite, that the more they see, the more clear it becomes to them that you are not what they're looking for.
This is not the worst thing imaginable that you think it is! It's protection from going further into something that isn't your place to be because it doesn't serve you and can't give you what you need.
It's guidance taking you away from where you thought you belonged and showing you a better place down the road where you will absolutely belong!
But first, we have to go through this "going through it" part. This is the part we hate. We NEVER want to go through this part. We NEVER want to feel the way we feel when we end up here instead of the happy place we always think we're headed for this time.
One of these days, one guy (one), not all those guys you think are already taken, not all of those guys you think don't even exist - but one very real guy is going to come along and show you exactly why you didn't get to have the ones you wanted and why they always somehow slipped away. And they'll be the ones who confirm precisely this message here for you.
You didn't do anything so seriously wrong unless you're with someone who's so seriously wrong for you!
Hope this helps every one of you out there today.
You're not alone. And there's a reason why you're finding yourself reading these words today!
Love you, girl!
Love,
Jane
Been here? Going through this now? Add your name or share your story in the comments below so you can feel a little less alone on here, too!
Im going thry hesrtbreak that ive never frlt so intense
Hello, my name is Judy. This article really hits me as a five year relationship ended last month that I was blamed for. He wasn’t right got me yet we had so much fun and so much in common that I stuffed things I needed in a relationship aside. I’m finally listening to love me first so that I may someday be ready for that special man who will truly love me for me.
I went away for three weeks, in touch with him several times a day. Came home and he had cleared his things out of my apartment and broke up with me. Refused to talk to me. I was, and still am, madly in love with him after a year of getting to know him and cautiously moving forward. And now he's on dating sites looking for someone else. How did I get it so wrong? I felt like my true self with him. I felt like he loved me. He said he was on the same page. If he was exactly what I was looking for, how was I not what he needed?
Thank you so much 😊
You are so right! It’s all about loving yourself! Healthy relationships are what we want. We just can not see the big picture!
This guy flirts with everyone I mean everyone in front of me including my best friend! Alcoholic, exhibitionist, chain smoker, womanizer, profanity, pornography, posting it in front of me and everyone and said I was jealous I didn’t have a body like that. Stated I wanted my picture hanging on his door! Said he loves all women and loves walking around nude in front of all women. Walks outside nude and always uses the bathroom outside verses inside. He says he’s mentally ill... I say he’s possessed by satan!
Or something. Sounds like a nightmare from here!
Wow. This is EXACTLY what I needed today. 2 days ago, I ended a relationship I was in because when I told him that I want a complete relationship and asked if he wanted the same, he told me he doesn't have time for a relationship right now and was just enjoying keeping it casual. I ended it because I was already heart broken and staying would only hurt more AND prevent me from really being open to finding someone else. It ended very maturely and cordially. But it STILL HURTS! It was a HARD decision to make. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if I made a mistake by ending it. I've cried on and off since and I'm exhausted. This part SUCKS and makes me want to quit trying. The only thing that keeps me going at all is the acceptance that quitting definitely won't get me the relationship I want either.
So glad it resonated with you, Angie. Of course it still hurts. There is no timeline for this and you didn't want to end it; it was either agree to his terms or end it. You can't pretend you can live with less than you want if you can't! Just have that conversation sooner next time, before you get too attached and invested to someone who's going to tell you he's not on the same page as you. This is only one guy. He doesn't represent the one who's going to be looking for that complete relationship just like you!
Your words have helped me and saved me. Thank you
Good, because this isn't on you, Nicole!
Hi Jane thanks so much. I reflect on your words ,they help and inspire me.
Love hearing this from you, Vanessa. You inspire me!