Our letter this week comes from Danni, who wrote to me asking what she should do about her new guy. She hasn't heard from him in 3 days and doesn't know what to do.
Here's what she said:
Hi Jane,
We were good, and then I noticed him not saying I miss you suddenly, and now its been three days since I've heard from him.
What do I do?
Do I test his love and not reach out to him and risk losing him forever?
Help!
- Danni
My Response:
Oh Danni, you can't lose someone who doesn't want to be lost. If you can lose him by not reaching out, what happened to him? Why is this all on you to reach out to him when he can just as easily reach out to you?
It's because we're afraid if we don't reach out, he won't.
But the truth is, it's not this cut and dry.
Reach out to him with one single check in to make sure he's alive and well. This is just a quick text or call or message through whatever means you're used to.
That's all this is. Short, to the point.
Nothing long or drawn out or dramatic here, just a "Hey, I hadn't heard from you in a few days and just want to make sure everything's okay."
There's nothing heavy here and if he's a decent guy he's going to respond back to you with something equally as light and casual that will speak volumes about where he's at and what happened.
As in, if it's just a "Yeah, I'm ok, just been busy", that tells you to let any further contact come from him and assume he's moved on or he's off to something or somewhere else. Don't get hung up on that kind of a response or rather, non-response - just accept that there's nothing more here he's leaving open to do or say on your part based on what he's come back with, and let it go.
He hasn't left any door open here except to acknowledge he's still alive.
If you get a non-response like this, or no response at all, drop it. Don't send him anything else.
If he responds with any kind of conversation opener as in, "Hey, been really busy, sorry, what are you up to?" or something along those lines, match his level of conversation. Sure you can tell him everything you're feeling, but it's not going to get you very far so don't waste your time or energy.
Just mirror his level of response and you'll know soon enough if he's going to go any further than here.
Bottom line is you don't know this guy well enough yet to know if you've just missed out on the best thing ever or if you've dodged a bullet. Don't waste your time trying to figure out which one you've got.
If he's gone, be glad you found out early before you invested more of yourself and choose to see it as a gift. If he's just pausing or stalled, accept that this is where he's at. If anything changes, you'll be the first to know.
This isn't on you so don't take it personally, Danni. You only want someone who's truly compatible with you and that means someone who's still reaching out to you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous - what do you think beautiful Danni should do in this situation? Tell her in the comments below!
Try being with someone for 9 years then all of a sudden everything changes. In my case I’m just now a stranger to him. Just last night I sent him a quick message saying letting him know my nephew said “Hi” to him (They were buddies) and all I got in response was an happy face emoji and a “Hi.” Not even “Hey how are you doing?” Nothing! It’s been very sad, frustrating and disheartening for me. So better you know now that you’ve only invested 3 months into your relationship than to go years like I did wondering where I fit in.
Don't do this to yourself anymore, Marisa. I know how good it feels to have a reason to reach out, but what it does to you - the power it takes from you and gives to him - is far more damaging than any hope a positive response might bring.
Thank you! I’m trying my hardest to not reach out and just wait and see if he does.....or doesn’t.
Dear Danni.
I have learned in all the years of being single that a man that is too busy after fully Pershing you in the beginning was just pretending to get you interested but didn't have any desire to commit to any type of healthy relationship. A men that really likes you and loves you will make sure to make time for you, quality time, no matter how busy he may be. I just broke up with my boyfriend who kept telling me how busy he is and only gave me very little time. So I am so happy to say that I feel great about it. And I know the right man for me will show up now that I'm not needy nor looking for him. Love yourself. Don't let anyone make you their second choice. The right man for you will adore you just for being yourself. Do not chase him. You have the power. It will get easier as you practice being good to yourself. I hope this helps.
Pilar
Hi Danni. I know what your going through, cause I'm going through it now with a doctor I met on an online dating site. We've been messaging each other for about a month, but so far he hasn't asked for my phone number. We've just been talking about everything under the sun, but that's all it is. At first, he acted like he wanted to go out with me, but then he turned cold and I haven't heard from me much. He'll message me on that dating site sometimes days or even a week or so. I know he's very busy with his practice so I don't take it personally. To be honest, I've learned not to give a shit whether a guy calls or tests me. Put yourself first, men second. Do Not text him! Not even to see if he's still alive. You would've known something if something bad happened to him. Let him contact you first and if he doesn't, move on. It's on him, not you.
She should chill, live her life, take the focus off of him and give that energy to herself.
If he misses you, he will be back, but you get to decide if you want him back at that point and if you do politely let him know what your boundaries are. He will either get with it or he want. It is better for you to know now.
You are so right! I am sick and tired of women always being the one to see if a guy wants us or not. I bet men don't give 'us' the same energy and attention as we do with them. They do what they want to do without giving women a second thought of what they may be feeling or doing. They put themselves first and us second. I say we start doing the same thing. Us first, men second. I used to think when a guy didn't text or call me back that it was my fault or I wasn't good enough. Not anymore! It's about him, not you.
Danni, something that can DISCARD us that easily probably does not have alot of empathy. Narcissistic tendency people are out there and they can do this without a thought. Would you do this to him? You go have a great gift on your hands to know this now. I was not sure how long you went out with him.