It's usually after you've tried everything else that you find your way here.
When everyone else has made you feel so much worse for not being able to figure this whole life/love/relationships thing out on your own, and you can now add shame to everything else you feel.
Did they think you didn't want to be able to figure this out on your own?
Of course you did! It's no wonder you have to build up the courage to finally try again.
Maybe this time will be different, but do this enough times and it makes perfect sense why you've resorted to humor or sarcasm or just about any other coping mechanism to hide your pain.
Don't play this game anymore.
This going back to the same people you couldn't count on before to try to get some love and grace, only to feel once more that there's something wrong with you that you can't do the scariest thing; something (anything) different.
We get paralyzed by that fear for a reason. It's scary.
Doing something different is scary.
You can't will yourself to make this easier. You have to find someone to walk through this with you to show you the way. That's why I do more than just tell you what I think you should do, I help you find the power within yourself to take whatever first steps you need to take to fix what's often the biggest problem.
The paralyzing fear problem. Once you fix that, everything else gets easier.
What are we afraid of?
We're afraid of reaching out.
We're afraid of admitting we need to do something different.
We're afraid that we don't have any control over creating our own new patterns.
Why?
Because then we'll have to actually do something, and that means responsibility and accountability.
I said it was scary!
So I want you to do one thing with me. I want you to pick something you've been scared to do that's going to change the way things have always been and move you forward in the direction you've been dreaming of going in if only you were brave enough to try it.
One little thing.
And here's a clue, it's probably going to be around something that holds some shame for you that's underneath the thing that's going to start everything moving in that direction.
Can you find that one thing? That first step?
Do some research. See what that path forward would look like, see what other people have done, and then plan out what doing that one thing would look like for you.
I'm all for a full plan and a step-by-step directive, but I know from working with most of you that we usually can't get to the whole thing that includes the desired outcome we want without focusing on that first step that gets the whole thing moving to begin with.
Pick that. Start there.
Take that first step and let the next steps be determined by what happens to you after you have the perspective that comes after you've started.
It might be simple, but easy? Never. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
No, it's not easy. Not any of this.
That first decisive step in a new direction is every bit as courageous an accomplishment as designing the whole plan, but far more executable when you've reduced the fear of it all by meeting yourself right where you are with that first step!
Got it? Good. I see you. I'll walk through this with you, Beautiful.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? What's your greatest fear or biggest struggle right now? Share it with us in the comments. You're not alone!
I am very fearful of being alone the rest of my life, and will never be able to find a man who truly accepts me for ME! Im 53 and was almost engaged to the man of my dreams, or so I thought. To make a long story short , my patterns and insecurities in relationships were too much for him to handle. I have been cheated on by my ex husband several times in the past and have a hard time trusting men. Thanks to your posts and advice, I now see I won’t be “too much” for the right man.? I’m trying to believe that now. I a heartbroken as it just ended last week.
You asked what is that one little step I could do for myself, to improve my life. For me, that would be starting a real estate class. I’ve always wanted to sell homes and know I have the personality to do this type of work. I met my lost love one year ago. At that time I had told him I was interested in starting a class. He was very supportive of self-growth and discovery. The problem is, all I did was focus on our tumultuous relationship for a year. I neglected my dreams and goals because I focused on him and the relationship too much and not my own life! I’m ready to start looking to see if they are offering virtual real estate classes , in light of COVID-19. I wish I had started this process when I first wanted to 5 years ago!
Start now, Joanna. There's virtual offerings for these! And yes, it was precisely because he couldn't handle you that confirms he was never going to be someone for you!
My fear of not being able to do life on my own after being with my husband for 38 years. Not Being financially comfortable. Making mistakes.
Your true beauty as a human being is in owning every one of your mistakes along the way, Sonja. Becoming so very human is one of the most beautiful metamorphoses of all!
Yeah good morning . Sometimes I feel like you can read my mind. I am going through a tough time letting go of a loveless relationship which lasted 23 years. 23 years of rejection and no affection at all yet I held on thinking he will change and because I thought he was my soulmate. I lied to myself and wasted my time because after all these years he tells me he doesn't love me and we wont end up together. There was always another woman and I accepted this and done this to myself instead of walking away. I have made a decision I wont go back to him and now that he realises i am pulling away he seems to be drawing closer to me again. A real narcissist. He is gone old now sickly has ED but still arrogant and thinks he is the man. I will always love him but I need to move on and meet my king because I know I am a queen. I feel ashamed of myself for holding on for so long.
Do what you need to do but without putting the shame on yourself, Noels. You've done the best you could with what you knew at the time!
I'm afraid of ending up like my Mom or my Dad. Alone, pretending they don't care that they're alone. Pretending Everything is okay. I never thought I'd be at this age. Unemployed because of COVID 19. Alone with my sisters saying stupid stuff like " why aren't you enjoying your time alone, I love being alone"
I'm just sick and tired of being suck and tired. Life wasn't supposed to be this hard, not for me, I'm smart, fairly young and healthy, why is life so hard? When you're bad at life you're bad in relationships.
You're right, Araceli. There's always a connection between the two. I see you and I hear you right where you are. Pretending may be how some of us get through, but if we want it to be anything different, we have to actually go through. Much love to you. I'm so sorry for these losses you're experiencing. You're not alone in what you're experiencing when you can't pretend and put on that face that makes it easier for them to receive us, but makes us unable to live with ourselves.
I feel misunderstood and consequently unloved and abandon I feel that I shouldn’t have feelings they are wrong and shameful and it’s not allowed all of my life I get to be the one who absorbs others feelings but I’m bad and wrong if I have any I’m suppose to be strong and i’am but
I’m also on vulnerable I lost a man I love because of it
And if you're not bad and wrong, Virginia? Is there any room for that part of the story?
I fear nothing other than being in a cage
Just as our ancestors were in slavery
We too are being presented with the same path
So many types of cages, Sandra. It's the most sensitive of souls that feels them all. ❤
Leaving the city where my ex husband and I live. It is small and he lives around the corner . I haven’t wanted to leave because I wanted us back together. I see now that I have to let it all go.
Really hard to get over someone when you live right around the corner, Gwyneth. But even this is your choice, too. He doesn't just get to stay while you have to move. This one's about standing in your own power with the choice being up to you!
My fear even more so now that I am older is that feeling of never being enough, even if a man says I am I somehow seem to feel that I won't be if a particular flaw that might cause them to run or deem me not enough! P.s this is my fear but i know the underlining issue it's me not accepting my own self enough to be loved with flaws...love self first...that's what I am aiming for😉
Take your power back, Kylie. Everyone else has had it for long enough. You will never be enough for the wrong ones but always enough for the right ones. Oh sweet, beautiful soul,that's how you'll know!
My biggest fear is not recovering after my ex cheated and we broke up 3 years ago.
Not finding my SELF again. Still wounded. Still not over it. Hard to get over when he still calls/texts every couple weeks, yet he’s still with her. I still love him, and he still loves me too; but he’s still with her. So I think it’s time for a clean break so that I can get over him, which means no contact ever again.
Sound like you've come up with your own answer, Cathy. Do a dry-run first so you know what support you'll need to have in place to actually do it. I'll be thinking of you!
My fear is being alone. I chase after the man I love, and that just pushes him away. My heart has been broken and I always feel empty no matter what.
If you do only one thing different here, Janet, let it be that you stop chasing him. Wait a little longer than you think you can. Be a little busier with your own life than you're used to being. It's in these little things we find our power again and that can lead to all kinds of better things than remaining struck in the push/pull pattern you're describing here. My heart goes out to you! ❤