Our letter this week highlights one of the dilemmas so many of us have encountered before. Amazing physical chemistry and, well, some other things that aren't exactly amazing - or even acceptable.
That's the subject of today's letter, and like most of us who've been here before, it feels just a little too familiar.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I’ve been dating this guy for two months. Sparks flew immediately.
I’m 32 and he’s 33. He’s a resident Pathology physician and I work at the same hospital, but in different departments.
We have amazing physical chemistry and we would text each other constantly throughout the day and evening. He would tell me that I make him nervous and that he thinks about me all the time.
He told me he really likes me and his actions matched for a while.
I started to notice that he can be somewhat not thoughtful. Despite the amazing time I have just talking and looking at him and how enamored I am by him, this part of him began to bother me.
For example, when he pours himself a drink he won’t ask me if I want anything. He doesn’t eat breakfast and he never offered me any food in the morning when I stayed over at his place despite knowing that I like to eat in the morning, but still wanting me to stay until early afternoon.
He just lacks some thought and sometimes those thoughtful things, even though they are small, make you feel special. So I may have hinted around that I wanted some of these things in joking ways (ex: saying “thanks for offering me one,” when he pours me a drink.)
Not the best way to say it, so I realize it's not ideal; but I’m sure he got annoyed with it or sensed it. I probably said something like that 3 times in total.
Anyway, I am so enraptured by him that I didn’t let that bother me enough to end anything.
The last two weeks have been a little strange at times. He’ll randomly wake up and act very distant. This will be after having morning sex, and after a seemingly normal night. He won’t want to touch me and is just more quiet.
I’ve said things twice about this, asking if something was wrong and making sure everything is okay, and he always claims it is and makes me feel crazy for bringing it up even though there is such an obvious lack of warmth suddenly.
Of note, he also recently broke up with a long distance girlfriend of about a year 3-4 months ago.
I found out that he didn’t tell his family he broke up with his girlfriend in a super awkward speaker phone convo with his family, and he hadn’t told them about me either. I did have a talk with him about this and just wanted an explanation, and once he told me he felt uncomfortable telling his family and isn’t super close in those ways with him, I let it go.
He then became even more distant at random times the 1 week following that, but would still see me about 2-3 times during the week and have sex a lot with me (2-3 times each visit). One morning he acted super cold again and I brought up if everything was okay and he said it doesn’t seem like a good sign we keep having “relationship talks” so much and that maybe we’ve lost curiosity for each other.
He also noted that maybe because of the pandemic and not being able to go out or interact with friends on group dates ever that it also may play a part. It hurt me when he mentioned losing curiosity. I asked him what that meant and asked why he’s lost curiosity and he said that I’m automatically saying a negative statement assuming the worst.
He said I often just assume the worst with him and bring up things, but if someone is acting way off - is it bad to ask?
We ended up getting through that convo and had sex. He left and I didn’t hear from him in 24 hours (not at all typical). I texted him asking if we could talk after another day passes and he said he would not be good to talk at all and is tired and wouldn’t be a good listener.
I asked if we could just cuddle and go to bed and he said, no I am not in the mood and it’s late (it was 8:30.)
I had no idea where this behavior was coming from so I called him to make sure I wasn’t reading the text harshly when it wasn’t intended to be so. He got super annoyed and frustrated I called him to ask that and said I was doing exactly what he didn’t want...to talk.
We probably spent 10 mins on the phone.
I said I’m sorry I’ll hang up and we ended the call and I haven’t heard from in 4 days. I also did not contact him after the call to give him space. I don’t know what to do? Should I reach out or not? Is it likely he wants to break up? I am looking for advice how to handle this.
Signed,
Sarah
My Response:
So when you ask for clarification of something he says in a text that's hard enough to understand under the best circumstances, what happens? He gets super annoyed and frustrated with you.
Because you did exactly what he didn't want you to do. Talk.
And then you said "I'm sorry, I'll hang up" and you haven't heard from him since.
I stopped right there, Sarah.
There's so much more you've said here but it's this sentiment - this exchange in particular, that tells you everything you need to know.
Don't reach out to him. You've seen what happens when you do. Unless you're being direct and telling him what it is you're looking for, and confirming your observations that this isn't what he's looking for so you're going to be moving on, save your words.
He's not worth them.
Men like this are much less likely to break up directly with you as they are to let the relationship die from attrition by putting only the bare minimum into keeping it going. Until you become so discouraged and confused that you either end it yourself (even though you don't want to), or you let down your guard enough to let the anger you've tried so hard to hide come through and he ends it - citing as his reason that you were "too angry" for him.
This is why there is no handling this, Sarah. There is only exiting it.
And having the courage to see when and why you need to.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Beautiful? What do you think Sarah should do in this situation? Let her know your thoughts, advice and/or words of encouragement in the comments below.
Hello Sarah,
He is too gutless to end the romance. Don't waste anymore of your energy on any man that doesn't make you a priority because what you became was an option.
It is very hard when you have feelings for them.. I have been there.
Janene
I think Sarah, should move on & love herself. Grieve the relationship, but don't give him anymore of her time or energy. That's really hard to do when we care for someone but the same level of interest is not returned. I recently heard that men don't do closure & I think that's true because they want the door to remain open. Also, a man will not stop pursuing you when you are what he wants. Save yourself the heartache, go no contact & should he decide to call, lean way, way, back. Let him earn his way back.
Ok I’ve read this letter. And I’m not a rocket scientist. But it’s real apparent it’s just for sex. And your too available. S o that made the mystery of the conquest done.
You’ve been way to hovering and need to not drop what you do regularly. He’s on the rebound. Your ready for a relationship. He’s not. I’d walk away. Not be inquiring if he is alright. He is. Move on and see what happens or not happens. Just my opinion.
After the first time he was rude to u , you should have went ghost , if he looking for u then it was worth a second try ... if not he was a jerk and clueless !
You deserve better !
Never show them how much you like them !
I'm sorry you're going through this 🌹. However I promise you it will get better. I have been right there where you're at and I had to learn that when it comes to dating you have to always make sure you're blossoming, paying more attention to you, finding what's sexy about you.
There will always be challenges in our lives, yet never love a man the way you want to be loved. You love him from his movements.
Take care and your futer will be awesome 👑
Hi Jane her situation is semilar my last conversation y To him was tues night. Until today he did not Skype me. I think you know that he is married but he said that he has physical connection to his wife for 2 years. We only have sex once we have deep feeling with each other and he stay with his family together because he is close to his sons. But he is honest to me if I will accept his situation since I have b deep feelings with him I decided to continue our physical chemistry please Jane help me I don’t know what to do . I am confused.
Sarah, I’m Sorry you are going through this... that’s no fun. Communication is one of the most important things in life, with any relationship.
Sex can be amazing now, but that also will be less and you can have that with someone else too.. that shouldn’t be a reason to stay... no body can tell you what to do, but you already know, it’s just matter of listing to yourself. You are strong! Be your bests own girlfriend, what would you tell her...... good luck!
I have been in a relationship like this for far too long and what I have learnt is the man who loves you will always find time to listen and soothe you. He really is not worth your care and mine took so much out of me not being seen and heard when I so needed it
Always, Ann! Love your reference to the word, the concept "soothe". That's exactly how you're going to know.
I would suggest that you focus on yourself. Your goals and the things that make you happy and do not contact him. Lean way back!
When he contacts you and he will, make your boundaries, wants and needs very clear.
He will either step up or step off. Then you will have your answer.
Hello in my opinion I believe that she moved too fast sexually and they had sex on a regular basis that confuses everything and that's why he said the Curiosity was gone because she was given so much of herself to him so soon whatever sex plays apart in a relationship so quick so fast it usually ends unless the two people are mature and sometimes that doesn't matter I believe in my experiences in life that you should take it slow and the sex Department and get to know the person for who they are so that you can have a clear understanding and see things clearly my best wishes and regards to her
I’m sorry to say you will never get what you are looking for with this man. He has shown you who he is. Time to move on.
I agree, I would not contact him. Let him go. I do not think we should have to fight for someone's love or affection. I also am going through a similar situation. I was living with a man for 6 months, he was perfect. We got along great. We went most places together, we did mostly everything together, we even vacationed in Costa Rica. I felt a deep connection to him on so many levels and I believe he felt it to because he treated me so good. When I got with him, he was broken hearted, his girlfriend of 9 years left him for another man. Anyway, she wanted him back and then he was confused and didn't know what he wanted so he moved in with his sister. I spoke to him the first 2 weeks after he left but now he has not texted me back in a month. I will not contact him. If he wanted to talk to me or be with me, he would.
Hi,
I feel your pain. I learned - the hard way - that silence is truly golden.
Have you considered letting him wonder what you are doing if you don’t contact him?
For me, the emptiness I felt after each conversation was not worth answering his sporadic texts towards the end.
I hope this helps.
Lizzie
I know exactly what Sarah is going through, you want more and he is not willing to give you what you want because he doesn't love you. I wen through the same exact situation except I was dating this guy for 4 years and each year things got worst and he became more distant. I use to blame it on the fact that his adult daughter was controlling him, ha, ha, you know what's funny? If you see a man in love, absolutely nothing can stop him from being with you and treating you like the flower you are. I stop making excuses and have since went on with my life and excepted the fact that I rather be lonely then to be with someone that treats me like shit. One thing is for certain, you can't make a man love you.
I feel for you, and I think we’ve all been there at some point in our lives. Dated a guy like this a few years back. They don’t explain and you end up thinking that you are crazy, that you did something wrong. It’s a waste of time. He’s just not the one for you. Save yourself from more heartbreak. A good partner would be able to talk about his feelings without being annoyed about you asking. You did nothing wrong by asking if something was wrong when it clearly was.
I hope I do not sound preachy as that is not my intention. I always caution women to allow themselves to get involved in a sexual relationship without first getting to know their loved one for at least a year. Sexual attraction is a magnetic pull and has no basis in real love or attachment. This is what Sarah’s relationship is primarily based on. Yes, sometimes those types of relationships become fortified by love but mostly they just fizzle and die out after several months. Please guard your heart from now on and allow yourself time to get to know your partner before becoming intimate. Cliche words but so very true. There is so much more to learn about a person than just their body. He already sounds annoyed and irritated by any sort of commitment. I would just let it go knowing that you will be better equipped next time! Make every experience into a lesson! In the meantime, keep yourself busy and distracted and this too shall pass.
I agree you should end it.
He is too hot and cold. You are also chasing him which will send him running.
He doesn't seem to be emotionally attached and the curiosity he speaks of is related to knowing you sexually rather than getting to kow all of you which he seems disinterested in now that the initial excitement of chasing and catching you has waned.
Let him go. He's not for you.
When a man wants you you will know it, and there will be no confusion about it. The right man will do all the right things, and make you feel secure about his feelings for you.
Know your worth, and don't settle for less.
I think Sarah, if he's going to shrug you off like this at the beginning and make out it's yr fault it just means he has another gender and isn't fully into you and has used you to kill the pain of the other breakup.
Let go of him and find someone who isn't on the rebound, because you are worth more than he's been treating you!
I wouldn't put up with a man who can't or won't explain his response, even if it's not right away. I feel it's disrespectful & wouldn't tolerate disrespect
Hey Sarah,
This guy reminds me of a guy I dated a few years ago. He has no emotional maturity whatsoever. He is only capable of infatuation, but not love. He thrives on that beginning infatuation stage of a relationship: him idealizing you and you idealizing him, and how this feeds the physical relationship he wants. But the second the relationship requires something real and true and loving, such as open communication and working through conflict, he has zero ability and maturity. When a relationship with a guy like this doesn't work out, you have lost nothing in reality, because this guy had nothing real to give you to begin with. What you are grieving is the loss of a dream. You did nothing wrong or weird, but he has a need to make it seem like you are the problem, in order to avoid facing the truth about himself. Don't take his immaturity personally at all. He had it before he met you, and he will have it with the other girls he dates, too. I concur with Jane's article and also the comment above: this guy is not worth any more of your words.
Jane's answer is perfect. I'd say a few things though: it's been two months and this is already an accelerated one-sided relationship… if you can call it that.
Sarah, I'd say you might want to sit down and think and maybe write what, exactly, is it that you find sooooo attractive in him. From where I stand, this man does not seem to have shown you anything really "enrapturing", so I'd hint you're making him up in your head. You're projecting something onto him. What is it that you're making him be? Then look objectively. This is hard. I have been where you are and I can say with a lot of certainty that when we look closer and more objectively, we can stop running into these situations for our own well being. He doesn't seem like a mature man, he's not emotionally mature. He's making it about you when in fact, it's him. Don't call him, don't chase him and please, do not, DO NOT, make this about yourself or you being "wrong" or having done anything wrong. You didn't. And I bet, when you're honest with yourself, you'll see this man is not what you want and deserve. Get out of this rollercoaster now before it gets worse. Good luck.
I agree with you Jane.