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Wondering why this seems so hard? Here's your reason.

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slender long-haired woman wearing white summer dress while walking on a green meadow towards a bright and sunny horizon.
This is how you right this wrong.

If this all seems so difficult to you, there's a reason.

It's because what we're essentially doing here is creating what we're looking for. We don't have a model for it. We haven't seen it before. We don't know what it looks like - at least not for ourselves.

We only have what we've been told it's like and what people describe to us it's going to look like when we find it.

The rest comes from us.

We have to get clear enough ourselves on what it is we're looking for so that we'll even be able to recognize it when it's in front of us.

We have to believe it's possible, by believing what we know was possible within ourselves and within people we've only heard stories about how it happened for them.

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Dating a Married Man

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
He still texts me every day.

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.Continue Reading

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

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A woman holding a dandelion in her hand blowing it away making a wish, signifying letting go.
It’s time for a new question.

When you were a little girl, they used to ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You had so many answers back then.

But no one asks you anymore.

When they stopped asking, you stopped asking. You stopped dreaming. You stopped planning. You stopped hoping. You started looking back instead of forward. You started believing another voice.

Not the one of hope, but the one of the opposite of hope.

Hopelessness.

They convinced you you’d lived your best life already.

That you’re too late.Continue Reading

I Feel Like He's Pulling Away

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A beautiful woman leans her head against a tree, looking unsure.
My gut tells me there's also someone else.

The subject line was clear: Am I a seat filler? I knew exactly what she meant.  Ever had to wonder about that yourself? Well, Rose is wondering that now.

Here's what she told me:

Hi Jane,

I really need your perspective on this one.

So I met this guy about a month ago at a wedding, the first minute we met our eyes locked for a moment, the way he looked and smiled at me felt like I was the only woman in the room.

He later asked for my number which I gave it to him, it was my cousin's wedding so I was very busy making sure everything was going smoothly and as a result I never got a chance to talk to the guy up until the wedding was over.Continue Reading

Why he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it."

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A beautiful woman is on a date with a man.
Hint: It's not because of you!

It feels so personal, doesn't it?

When he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it", you just can't help it. You think it's because of you.

"I must not be enough", you tell yourself.

Or I must be too much. Or, in other words, "There must be something wrong with me that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's STILL not enough to get him to commit to me."

So let's clear this up right now before you go any further with why this is somehow your fault that you're stalled in the in-between zone.

It's  not because of you.

It's because of what any deeper of a commitment to you represents to him!Continue Reading

Blindsided By This Breakup

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A beautiful woman looks sad because her boyfriend doesn't want to be with her.
I just don't understand any of it.

Our letter today is from Ann, who's been blindsided by a breakup after 5 years together.

Here's her story...

Hi Jane,

My question is how do I move on after being blindsided by this breakup?

My ex and I had been together for 5 years. Looking back, there are probably some red flags that I overlooked.

When we first started dating, he was very hard to read. It took us a long time to actually determine what our relationship was, and part of this was due to the fact that when we first met, I was supposed to be moving away for grad school.

I brought up the topic of where our relationship was heading, and he said that he knew we needed to talk about it but he wasn't sure what to say because he had been in a long distance relationship in the past, and it didn't work. I had also been in one so I could understand where he was coming from.Continue Reading

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