I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.

I have approached the subject of more commitment to the relationship several times and I'm tired of always being the one to raise the issue. He says I'm being negative or only focusing on the negative, where as I see myself as being positive, in wanting to evolve the relationship into a more committed intimate connection.

He avoids having these talks wherever possible which is frustrating and shuts down as he cannot handle anything of an emotional nature.

I have started to use your programs and switch the focus back to myself, and am at a stage where I don't mind if the relationship continues or ends, I just want to know where I stand. I'm actually feeling quite good in myself.

A few months ago he admitted he is terrified of commitment and when I said it was over he begged me to stay and he would go get therapy. 4 months later he has done nothing, because he is working and has no time (of course).

I have told him that I cannot commit to the relationship if he is not and that I cannot remain exclusive anymore. He has not responded to this and still carries on as if everything is normal.

I have stopped being available to him on weekends unless it suits me. Recently he asked me to go to a family wedding, and my kids also. My instincts are telling me to refuse, so I said no, based on the fact that he is not committed to the relationship as much as I need and I don't feel it's fair to bring me to a wedding, which will serve to remind me of the fact that he is a commitment phobe, who cannot commit to us.

I don't want to be the girl at the wedding who is going out with the the commitment phobic bachelor for ten years. I don't know if this is the right thing to do...I am really happy for the couple but feel like I just can't do another family event with him, pretending that we are more than we actually are.

I could go and have a great time, but I know underneath I will be hurting as my man can't make that commitment to me. At this stage I'm sure people are tired of us talking about when we get a home together etc.  And I'm tired of people joking, saying...when are you two tying the knot and he laughs it off as it's just not happening and I feel like a fool for staying so long.

He is a very good man and supportive and committed in lots of ways, he just can't take things any deeper to the level I want...not necessarily marriage, but emotional connection and presence. I feel like a weekend girlfriend and a token girlfriend for family events.

He is shocked that I have made this stand and I tried to explain my feelings. I told him I am tired of talking about the issue of commitment and that his phobia is affecting the relationship negatively.

I said that I needed to take space and that I needed to see action at this stage rather than talk and empty promises.

Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

I realise I have been holding out hope for what we can be...the potential rather than the reality. Is the only way to find out if he can meet me half way, to just walk away? I am definitely feeling far more sure of myself and in touch with my own emotions and needs now since doing your program and other work on myself.

I have realised that I too have big commitment issues and I have been working on those with a therapist. There is definitely a reason I have been choosing unavailable men! But I am at the stage now where I am ready for a committed relationship.

I just want to be sure I am not walking away from a good thing. Your advice is much appreciated.

-Diane

My response:

Hi Diane,

It's so nice to meet you and I'm glad you reached out. And I'm thrilled my programs are helping to bring you back to yourself, the only place from where you can actually make a decision that's going to be the best one for you! I can tell you've been thinking this over for a long time. Ten years is a long time. And I've got something to say about that long time.

First, let's go back over your email here. Because there's some very important, very revealing lines that stood out for me. Read them again with me.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship.

If either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks. He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time.

I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy.

We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.

I'm tired of always being the one to raise the issue [of more of a commitment from him].

He avoids having these talks wherever possible which is frustrating and shuts down as he can  not handle anything of an emotional nature.

He admitted he is terrified of commitment and when I said it was over he begged me to stay and he would go get therapy. 4 months later he has done nothing.

He has not responded to this and still carries on as if everything is normal. (This being that you can't remain exclusive and commiting to this relationship if he's not going to commit to it.)

I just can't do another family event with him, pretending that we are more than we actually are.

I know underneath I will be hurting as my man can't make that commitment to me.

I'm tired of people joking saying...when are you two tying the knot and he laughs it off as its just not happening and I feel like a fool for staying so long.

I feel like a weekend girlfriend and a token girlfriend for family events.

He just can't take things any deeper to the level i want...not necessarily marriage, but emotional connection and presence.

He is shocked that I have made this stand.

I am tired of talking about the issue of commitment and that his phobia is affecting the relationship negatively.

Your answer is contained in your own words here, Diane. It's all here.

The description of a man incapable of dealing with any emotions. The shame of showing up one more time for him, but feeling like a fool yourself.

No, you're not a fool, you simply always hoped it could be different, without him giving you any reason to believe it could.

But no, don't go to the wedding. You've made it clear from your words you know you can't do this for him even one more time. You're tired. So tired. And that laughter - his laughter - at something so important to you, just adds insult to injury for you.

No, of course you can't go.

Are you walking away from a good thing? Is this - everything contained in these lines - what a good thing looks to you?

My point, of course, is that a good thing is subjective. A good thing to someone who doesn't believe she has any other options, who doesn't know her worth and doubts she's ever going to find someone as good as what she's got now, is going to mean something different to someone who knows she has other options, who knows her worth and has no doubt there's at least one other man out there better than she's got now.

It's the very essence of what it means to be a good thing.

I know you're not walking away from a good thing because of what you've just told me here. I've known and worked with too many women who've described their men in exactly this same way and I've seen where those relationships inevitably lead. So much so that I could never be convinced that what you're describing could ever be a good thing.

But we're not talking about me here or any ones else who's reading this and may be coming to the same conclusion; we're talking about you.

If you love this man, and you don't want to walk away from him regardless of all the new insight you've gained, then you have to figure out a way to be with him without compromising yourself to do it.

That's a tough one because few of us can walk that fine line for very long and almost all of us can't at all.

We know he's a very good man and supportive and shows his commitment to you in lots of ways; just not in the way that matters most to you - your actual relationship. There's no question he's a good guy who means well, they almost always are. You wouldn't be with him at all if he weren't.

There's a woman I'm thinking of who's in a similar place as you - I have a feeling she's reading this with interest, too - and I've been walking through this with her for the last couple of months, one week at a time.

I've tasked her with checking in with herself every day, in the morning and in the evening, to see if she's still choosing him and to make a note of whether it's a yes, or a no. She's to do this every day and at the end of the week, to note how often she chose him and how often she didn't.

She knows it's her decision and she doesn't have to decide anything until she's ready to. Until the unknown becomes less anxiety provoking than the known anxiety she has on a daily basis being in  a relationship with a man who can't give her any more of a commitment than the guy you're describing here.

On her own, without pressure, from this stance we're working on that she's doing the choosing and this is her choice, something's shifting for her similarily to the shift that it sounds like is happening for you.

The fear is lessening. Her confidence is rising. She's recognizing her own power and beginning to stand in it, and there's a shift in him holding all of it.

And I think most of all, she'd say a new sense of hope is starting to come back for her.

If we take the pressure off of you to do something right now, Diane, if we allow you to take all the time you need to watch and take note of everything you've written down here to me, I know this is going to become clear to you. In fact, in my experience, the only obstacle to doing the right thing here for you is your own doubts around trusting yourself fully.

I absolutely believe you know what to do here, that your answer is clear and that the only thing between making a decision and waiting is trusting your own intuition.

What's the worst that happens? Ask yourself that. And answer it with your worst fear.

What is your greatest underlying fear here? Could you handle it if the worst thing actually happened? Would you still be okay? Would you come up with a plan to deal with that then? Would it be worse than what you're going through much of the time now?

What about the best case scenario?

Dare to dream. Dare to hope. Dare to see the reality of what's just on the other side of what you've been hanging onto with him for ten long (very long, right?) years. Why does it have to be the fear of what's on the other side rather than the hope of what's there?

It's only our own programming of years of voices that never had our best interest at heart that have us staying out of fear instead of leaping out of hope.

I'm not hearing anything in your email that says "I don't know what to do". In fact, it's the opposite I'm hearing from you. You already have your answer of whether he's able to meet you halfway and you got it before you ever walked away. Ask yourself if you honestly believe you could make the wrong decision. Your answer to that will be telling.

I'm with you all the way, Diane, whatever you decide to do!

Love,

Jane

How about you? Been here? Maybe you're here now. I know you've got something you want to say to Diane. Tell her in the commments.