Dating a Married Man

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.

We started chatting in a friendly manner and caught up on all our news, etc.

He was also married at the time and still is.

However, the day that we connected we both felt the most uncanny, powerful and unavoidable sense of knowing and magnetic pull.

That was 2 years ago!

And to cut a long story short we are still connected.

We text one another every day without fail and have shared so much. We have an attraction to one another on all levels!

My husband I separated a year ago as the marriage was not right for many, many years, which was nothing to do with how I feel about the man I speak about!

He is in a slight depression, and he and his wife are now in marriage therapy.

I’m wondering how to deal with the fact that now that I’m divorced he seems to be more guarded, less passionate and more distant in his communications with me but, is still totally constant in messaging each day.

Your thoughts?

-Leyla

My Response:

Married men aren't available men, Leyla. That's the very first thing you need to know. They're not physically available, and they're definitely not emotionally available. And that's the bare minimum of what you need from someone you're going to be in a relationship with.

I've worked with a lot of women in exactly your position. Regardless of the advice they received never to get involved with a married man, they weren't able to resist that magnetic pull either.

Some left their husbands because being with someone so attentive and responsive held up a mirror to everything that was wrong in their own marriages. Some kept things at friendship level, maintaining contact without crossing what they considered to be their line.

But there was one thing every one of them had in common.

Every one of these magnetically attracted men became more guarded, less passionate and more distant with these women when these women became physically available to them.

Why?

I'll tell you why, Leyla.

Regardless of whether these men are married or not, when the woman they're interested in isn't available herself, she poses no risk to them. As in, she's limited in what she can ask them for in terms of a commitment because she's married.

So men like this get to enjoy all the magical, magnetic benefits of being with someone who doesn't require anything more of them but to participate in a fantasy of "one day", but that day has no concrete meaning because it can't happen as long as they're with a woman who's married to someone else.

For the emotionally unavailable man, or even just a man who isn't comfortable with making any more of a commitment than the elusive, non-demanding "we'll see where it goes", this is the ideal setup for him.

He gets whatever you're willing to give him, and he doesn't have to give you anything more in return than the fantasy of imagining "what if".

Unless you change the rules. Like suddenly you become physically available to him.

Now, everything changes.

Now, those imagined fantasies that could only ever be fantasies all of a sudden take on a life of their own. If he meant what he's been saying all along, now he has to deliver. Because you're free.

He still may not be. And that makes so much sense.

Your divorce is now final. But before that, you were separated. So the stakes he felt, or we could say the pressure he felt to deliver on what he was saying to you, weren't as high as they are now.

I'm not at all surprised that it's now that he's depressed and in therapy with his wife. With you now being free to be with him in a real relationship, the only thing preventing that from happening is his move.

And, with everything now coming down to him making that move, that pressure - that dilemma he's facing - has turned into a depression for him. And it's brought him into marriage therapy with his wife to try to fix what he's already in.

The opportunity you present to him is now real, Leyla. And he's not up for it the way he either thought he would be or the way he feels he was supposed to be.

He feels the pressure to follow through and probably some guilt that he led you on enough - even if wasn't overtly about him - to cause you to make the decision to divorce your husband. It's left him unsure of where he goes from here with you, with his own marriage, and essentially, with himself.

He has to be able to live with himself. And with the depression setting it, it doesn't sound like he's able to very well right now.

My advice to you? Let him be. Don't initiate contact with him, don't try to see him or talk to him. Move on with your life as if he's physically and emotionally unavailable to you - because that's exactly what he is.

If he reaches out to you, it's up to you if you want to continue to communicate with him as friends, but if you realistically can't be "just friends" with him, then don't even do that.

Let him know you're giving him space to work on his marriage because it's the right thing to do. Leave it at that.

And then let him have his space to work on his marriage in therapy, to see if he and his wife can salvage what they have without you being a part of this.

He knows he can't continue doing this, as confirmed by his depression. And no matter what you might think right now, deep down you know you don't want to be with someone who isn't sure he's ready to give up what he already has. If he doesn't try everything now, he'll always be wondering if he made the right decision, and that can only lead to insecurity for you!

You only want him if he's absolutely sure he wants to be with you. And if that time comes, he'll make sure you're the first to know.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any thoughts to share with Leyla? Tell her what you want her to know in the comments below.