There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.
If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.
But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.
Her story:
Hi Jane,
I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago. We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.
He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.
We started chatting in a friendly manner and caught up on all our news, etc.
He was also married at the time and still is.
However, the day that we connected we both felt the most uncanny, powerful and unavoidable sense of knowing and magnetic pull.
That was 2 years ago!
And to cut a long story short we are still connected.
We text one another every day without fail and have shared so much. We have an attraction to one another on all levels!
My husband I separated a year ago as the marriage was not right for many, many years, which was nothing to do with how I feel about the man I speak about!
He is in a slight depression, and he and his wife are now in marriage therapy.
I’m wondering how to deal with the fact that now that I’m divorced he seems to be more guarded, less passionate and more distant in his communications with me but, is still totally constant in messaging each day.
Your thoughts?
-Leyla
My Response:
Married men aren't available men, Leyla. That's the very first thing you need to know. They're not physically available, and they're definitely not emotionally available. And that's the bare minimum of what you need from someone you're going to be in a relationship with.
I've worked with a lot of women in exactly your position. Regardless of the advice they received never to get involved with a married man, they weren't able to resist that magnetic pull either.
Some left their husbands because being with someone so attentive and responsive held up a mirror to everything that was wrong in their own marriages. Some kept things at friendship level, maintaining contact without crossing what they considered to be their line.
But there was one thing every one of them had in common.
Every one of these magnetically attracted men became more guarded, less passionate and more distant with these women when these women became physically available to them.
Why?
I'll tell you why, Leyla.
Regardless of whether these men are married or not, when the woman they're interested in isn't available herself, she poses no risk to them. As in, she's limited in what she can ask them for in terms of a commitment because she's married.
So men like this get to enjoy all the magical, magnetic benefits of being with someone who doesn't require anything more of them but to participate in a fantasy of "one day", but that day has no concrete meaning because it can't happen as long as they're with a woman who's married to someone else.
For the emotionally unavailable man, or even just a man who isn't comfortable with making any more of a commitment than the elusive, non-demanding "we'll see where it goes", this is the ideal setup for him.
He gets whatever you're willing to give him, and he doesn't have to give you anything more in return than the fantasy of imagining "what if".
Unless you change the rules. Like suddenly you become physically available to him.
Now, everything changes.
Now, those imagined fantasies that could only ever be fantasies all of a sudden take on a life of their own. If he meant what he's been saying all along, now he has to deliver. Because you're free.
He still may not be. And that makes so much sense.
Your divorce is now final. But before that, you were separated. So the stakes he felt, or we could say the pressure he felt to deliver on what he was saying to you, weren't as high as they are now.
I'm not at all surprised that it's now that he's depressed and in therapy with his wife. With you now being free to be with him in a real relationship, the only thing preventing that from happening is his move.
And, with everything now coming down to him making that move, that pressure - that dilemma he's facing - has turned into a depression for him. And it's brought him into marriage therapy with his wife to try to fix what he's already in.
The opportunity you present to him is now real, Leyla. And he's not up for it the way he either thought he would be or the way he feels he was supposed to be.
He feels the pressure to follow through and probably some guilt that he led you on enough - even if wasn't overtly about him - to cause you to make the decision to divorce your husband. It's left him unsure of where he goes from here with you, with his own marriage, and essentially, with himself.
He has to be able to live with himself. And with the depression setting it, it doesn't sound like he's able to very well right now.
My advice to you? Let him be. Don't initiate contact with him, don't try to see him or talk to him. Move on with your life as if he's physically and emotionally unavailable to you - because that's exactly what he is.
If he reaches out to you, it's up to you if you want to continue to communicate with him as friends, but if you realistically can't be "just friends" with him, then don't even do that.
Let him know you're giving him space to work on his marriage because it's the right thing to do. Leave it at that.
And then let him have his space to work on his marriage in therapy, to see if he and his wife can salvage what they have without you being a part of this.
He knows he can't continue doing this, as confirmed by his depression. And no matter what you might think right now, deep down you know you don't want to be with someone who isn't sure he's ready to give up what he already has. If he doesn't try everything now, he'll always be wondering if he made the right decision, and that can only lead to insecurity for you!
You only want him if he's absolutely sure he wants to be with you. And if that time comes, he'll make sure you're the first to know.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have any thoughts to share with Leyla? Tell her what you want her to know in the comments below.
Annelyn says
Just walk away, and cut all contact, you owe it to yourself. I had an affair with a married man for eight years, I was married also. He never left his wife because of his daughter, yes that old chestnut.
I suddenly became widowed, and I was diagnosed with an illness, he became distant, and disappeared. Thinking back, the affair “buzz” stopped and I became the other woman, which I was not happy with, and I would not respect him if he walked out on his wife and child anyway.
What I am trying to say, it is a horrible position to be in, he is someone else’s man, it is never a winning situation. I justify it to myself as my midlife crisis. Sending warmest wishes to you whatever decision you make.xx
Jane says
Thanks for sharing, Annelyn. So glad you're now free!
Therese Macleod says
I have a family member 35 yo married with 2 children. She worked with a married man with 6 Children . Yes they had an affair and you know what the saddest thing happened
He committed suicide when his wife found out .
How do you live with this, you have no moral conscience, so wrong, font do it
Do you know how many lives you destroy??
Jane says
Tragic. My heart goes out to his family.
EC says
I totally agree. Use this time now to step back and live your life in the real world. Divorce is so hard, everything that leads up to it, the decision to divorce, navigating the divorce, and healing afterwards. You are free now and that changes everything. It also means looking at things in a new light: did you work hard and suffer for this or that? You have a second chance now. Did you really go through all that to get tied up to wait around in a text quasi-relationship thingy with a man
And not just that, but a man
who lives his real life , including quiet times, sad times, funny moments, perhaps comforting touches, perhaps engaged in an usual routine along with meals, free afternoons, and bed, but definitely also including therapy times talking about their emotions and shared experiences and dreams and hopes,... all with another woman, who happens to be his wife.
Also, we all want someone capable of making a commitment. Willing to do what it takes to keep that commitment, to improve it, or to at least weather through the bad times. Step back and you will find out if he is that kind of guy.
You want someone who at least gave his marriage and wife all he could and tried everything. You don’t want someone who leaves his wife for you. You want someone who was going to end his marriage no matter what, even if he couldn’t be with you or didn’t even know you. Someone who made the decision they rather risk being alone the rest of their life versus staying married. Then you know they made a real decision about the marriage.
Also, we all tend to wear rose-colored glasses and it extra easy to do so via social media and texting. I would leave the magnetic pulling experience and the initial 6-9 months of communication out of your evaluation of him.
And what is left? His actual and only actions appear to be he first engaged in passionate texts with you from afar; he then started to change how he is in those texts with you and has entered therapy in-person with his wife.
You went through a lot recently. You deserve more than this. His wife deserves more than this. And that woman at his work deserves more than this (as I wouldn’t be surprised if there is one, someone living in-between his virtual and actual realities).
If you feel at all a teeny bit sorta ready, go on a date in-person with a man who is completely available. There no commitment in just doing that. At the least, go and mingle with people. At a regular coffee shop, a gym, the library, a fun one-time class, an exhibit somewhere , a play, a movie, or volunteer in some way. I think you will soon see that this guy is actually not attractive.
Your guy is out there and you are now free to heal, find your self, rediscover or discover passions, and then meet him!
Andrea says
LEAVE HIM ALONE! MOVE ON! You have no business messing with a married man! Make no mistake, God will never send you someone else’s husband! He needs decides if he wants to make the effort to be 100% in his marriage & work on his marriage with his wife without any interference from you or anyone else. Also, ask your self why you want to be with a man that may leave his wife for you or leaves his wife for you?! He needs to figure out on his own why he is internally unhappy with himself since he is having an emotional affair with you. Your both are living in a fantasy world and it will come crashing down. Save yourself the heartache and your time, as this truly will be something you regret if you don’t break ties with him.