Is It Right to Go With Him When He's Breaking My Heart?

Our letter this week comes all the way from Greece, from beautiful Gc, who's looking for some advice on whether she should go on a trip that was planned in advance with a guy who's breaking her heart with the knowledge that he just wants to be friends.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

So first of all let me introduce myself. I'm 29 years old and I come from a small island of Greece.

Before a year, I was at a friend's wedding here at our beautiful  island. My friend that was getting married was from the USA and had the wedding here because of his mother that she is born here too. So I met this guy that was the best men at the wedding also from the States and he approached me the night of the wedding party.

So we had an amazing night together dancing talking and talking having fun.

After the party we went out at a club and once we got there we just decided to leave and go at the beach and get some drinks. He was non-stop flirting at me and I could say that that night was just for me and him.

Everything seemed so perfect, I still can't describe how he made me feel that night.

Such a gentleman, clever, handsome, so funny. He made me feel like I didn't need anything else at that moment of my life.

After jumping in the sea almost drunk both of us, wearing of course my lovely dress and having my makeup still on, the first kiss came. In our craziness there was such a romance, he then asked me if i would like to spend the rest 2 days of vacation with him, and that he really wants to hang out with me and see me again.

And so we did.

We had 2 amazing days together here at the island and then he asked me to get the flight back to USA with him. He said that he really wants to spend more time with me, and to be honest I was really thinking that this is too good to be true, and so I didn't follow him.

However, he less than a month booked me flights to go and visit him.

He kept saying to me that he can't wait any longer, he really wants me to go there as soon as possible, that he felt a lot after a long time and of course our story was super excited crazy and romantic at the same time so I fell in love with him too.

Everything was just perfect.

After my first trip in US we arranged another one then another one and another one. We were trying to meet more and more all over around the world. I went, then he came then meet somewhere in between etc. I was so happy and I believe he was too.

Time after time though things started changing.

Of course because of distance I had to stay up until 3 AM so I can talk to him for a while. He was super busy usually running his own business and me from my side when he was free, I was busy also at work. 7 hours difference between us daily and thousands of miles away from each other.

We were talking daily on the phone and texting each other but as I said on the one side we were both excited about when and where we will meet again, and waiting so bad to see each other and at the same time day by day things started getting bad.

Then I started feeling that I was trying more, sometimes I was complaining that we don't talk enough and every time I was doing that, things were getting even worse.

He is the type of man that doesn't say a lot, more close to himself but really had moments that he would say not much to me and cover everything that I needed and missed on him.

Every time we had fights, he was taking things really bad like he couldn't just give an excuse or say something and discuss.

He was always negative but always after that proving to me that he heard what I was saying and explaining to him. He was proving at me that he really cares and he was always trying to talk more and cover my needs.

At my last trip though, I visit him again. He was different.

Every time we met, we always needed some time until we feel again comfortable to each other. This time he was cold with me though, especially the first days.

I'm not the kind of person that likes to make drama and almost never complained to him about what I miss need or want. I never discussed about us, where is this story going but I was always worried, so I got hurt with his behavior.

He then realized it and came by his own and said sorry. He said that he just realized that he was really cold to me and that he doesn't know why, and also why I didn't say anything about it to him.

Even though things didn't get better, he was nice to me yes but note that for 2 weeks that I was there with him we didn't have sex.

Of course after that I was completely broken and worried and left completely disappointed and without feeling confidence anymore about myself. I realized that I start having my complex because of that and really didn't know how to excuse him.

When I was back, I decided to talk to him.

I told him everything that he made me feel and that I wanted a reason of all this. He said that he really hasn't got an answer that he is really sorry and that I'm really important to him and he doesn't want to change anything between us that he misses me etc.

I believe him, but still why?

He proved me many times that what he wants he will say it and he will mean it. But still why?

After that, he called me one night woke me up and told me that he wants to see me right now if possible that he loves me misses me and lots and lots of nice things and apologized of what he did to me.

After few days while we where talking I asked him what's wrong and he is talking this way to me. And he just said that what I'm talking about, I had all these thoughts running in my head so at the end, we had an argument and he told me that he needs a break of talking.

Of course I was crushed after that and felt so disappointed but as said before I am realistic and really proud to try changing things so I gave him his break until he contacted me.

When he did we didn't discuss about what happened the first 2 days due to the fact that we never managed finding both the same time to be free and talk, so when we finally did I asked him if we could talk about what happened.

He said that he had some family issues and he explained to me exactly what happened, and said that he just couldn't push anymore himself with more things (which was that I said why is he talking to me that way lately) and said he didn't mean to be like that to me etc.

Then I said so are we ok? And of course he grabbed the chance telling me some weird things that we are friends and that he is messed up and pla pla.

Of course I was shocked and asked what is this new thing that we are friends??? I never understood his answer.

He said that he can't give me what I need and that I need a romantic relationship that I can talk everyday to. When I asked how come he was arranging a trip again with me because as he said he miss me few days before and now be came up with this new friend thing.

He said that there are many ways to care and miss someone and he meant everything that he said but he doesn't know how will this go but he really wants and needs to do this trip with me (note also that at the beginning he said that the trip was a silly idea that he had.)

All in all I told him that I can't just turn on the friend mode, that I don't like what I heard, but if this is how he feels and wants, I cant change his mind.

He keeps calling asking after that if we are going or not at the trip and that he would love to do that with me, that he wants to see me, he actually also contacted me more than before so I decided that I will go. I don't know why but I will go and of course not because I want to change anything.

My question is, is it right to go?

And also I'm really hurt from him and I feel like I didn't say what I wanted and feel that I didn't get any answers, what should I do?

Note that he “broke up” with me the exact same day that I met him one year before so you understand that I was celebrating my friendship anniversary at end, and once more I didn’t mention it to him. I really need your advice.

Hope of hearing from you, many thanks in advance.

Best regards,
-Gc

My response:

Hi Gc,

It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve never been to Greece but I’d love to travel to meet you in person and the other women I’ve met on here from your beautiful island – you know who you are! Someday!

To your immediate question, I want to be so clear that it’s only right to go if it’s right for you, Gc. The question is if you can be content to be on a trip with someone who’s not on the same page with you, who says you’re just friends, without feeling like you’re settling for so much more than you want from him.

Be honest with yourself.

If you care about him more than he cares about you in a romantic way to his friendship way, can you go along with him on a trip knowing how he feels about you? Can you pretend that everything’s just fine and your heart isn’t breaking when that’s the only thing you know for sure?

Ask yourself why you would go with him. Ask yourself if you would still enjoy yourself on this trip knowing how he feels or if all you’d be doing is setting yourself up trying to be everything you think he wants you to be to try to change things back to the way they were back in the beginning for the two of you.

That’s my greatest concern here, Gc.

Not just the trip, not just your dreams and hopes for him and your relationship with him, but for what it does to you – to any of us – to be with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.

If you want more than what he wants, you’re going to be on the begging end. You’re going to want more than he does. Whether consciously or not, you’re going to find yourself auditioning for the role of girlfriend wishing and hoping he’ll come back around and change his mind about only being ready to be friends with you.

That’s not what you deserve, Gc, unless you choose it for yourself.

We’re back to you. Your choice. Knowing what you can live with and what you can’t.

You’re not any other woman; you’re you. Do what you can live with. No guy is worth compromising your values simply because you’ve invested so much of your beautiful heart that it seems easier to keep trying than to listen to what he’s actually telling you and hearing what he has to say.

We don’t change these men. We accept them where they are. We can inspire them. But any change in what they want and what page they’re on has to come from them.

What I do know for sure is that someone’s opinion of you is in no way a reflection of your worth, Gc. He’s one guy.

You can only work on a relationship if you have something to actually work on a real relationship with. That means someone who’s on your page to begin with and wants the same thing you do, not just a friendship if that’s not enough for you.

That’s my advice for you, Gc, from what I’ve been through and what I’ve seen both personally and through the eyes and hearts of the women I’ve worked with. I hope it helps.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any comments or words of advice for beautiful Gc? Share your thoughts with her in the comments below.