There's something you need to know.
If you're not ready to move on from someone, if all you want is to be with him, regardless of how he's treating you right now, because you believe in him and who he is underneath the outside veneer, because you love this man no matter how dysfunctional a love it is, then nothing you do to try to move on or get over him is going to work.
Nothing.
You'd only be fighting yourself in the process.
It's so important for you to understand this because telling yourself it's not working, that you can't move on, that what people are telling you to do, like going no contact or seeking therapy, won't work anyway because you tried that before, only becomes true if what you're currently doing is actually working for you.
I've been there.
I've worked with so many women who've been there. We love the idea of finally breaking free from the pattern we're in, we love the idea of letting go and moving on, we love the idea of talking to someone who can finally help us figure this out and finally meet someone better, but as long as we're so invested in getting water out of that stone, or in our case, making him want me, making him love me, making him commit to me, that's all we're going to be focused on.
I want to be so clear that this is rarely ever conscious at first.
We don't say "I want to stay with someone who treats me so badly and makes me feel so bad about myself that it's affecting my self-esteem and my self-confidence."
No, we say "He used to treat me so well in the beginning. It's still really good when it's great, it's just when it's not, it's heartbreaking and I can't help but think it must be something I'm doing that made him change like this. If I can just figure out what that is, I can change it back to the way it used to be."
And then we embark on this journey to figure out what "that" is.
It's how most of you find your way here. In the late hours of the night, searching for anything that will give you your answers. You want to understand why because if you understand why, you can change what you're doing and change things back the way they used to be.
My point here is to accept that you want him back. Accept that you don't want to move on. Accept that you don't want to let go. Accept that you just want him to be different.
Don't give the answers your friends say you should have or the ones your concerned family members can't believe you don't have.
If you know what you want, then we've got a place to start from. If you don't, we're running around in circles trying to get water from that stone, missing the water that's already flowing out of a fountain right in front of you.
This is a place where you don't have to pretend you want what you don't. It's a place you can admit that after all these weeks, months, years, you can honestly say, "I know I shouldn't want him, but I do."
Now you're saying something we can work with.
There is something so healing about being honest with yourself and everyone else. There is something so healing about coming out of the shame and not allowing anyone to shame you anymore for feeling the way you do.
We run from it. We hide from it. We cover it up.
We don't want anyone to see just how much we want him because we know we shouldn't want him. Does shame accomplish this, though? Does shame work? Or is it more about slowly but surely building ourselves up high enough so that once we begin to notice ourselves and our own lives more, we notice him and what he's doing with his life less and less?
It's no coincidence that right after we go through the "why's" about why he is the way he is, we go to the "who" about who you are.
You matter. You have worth. Anyone who would shame you for loving who and how you do isn't a safe person for you.
Don't share your pain with them. Don't give them a window into your heartbreak when they don't deserve that kind of access to your beautiful heart.
Get your answers. Find out why. And then shift the focus back to you.
Why him? Why are you choosing him?
Not because there's something so wrong with you, but because you need to understand why you don't find anything wrong enough with him to do something about it!
So tell me - are you really ready to let go and move on or is it more the idea that you should be ready that you're feeling here? I'd love to hear from you. Tell me where you're at in the comments below. I'm pretty sure you're not alone, especially on here.
I'm not ready to let go. I have loved him for all of my life (40 years). You would not believe the story behind my story. It is so sad. I have wasted my life waiting for someone who could care less about me.
But what about the part that's still left, Susan. Isn't that worth something, too?
Thank you Julia
Your words are so kind and sweet. I know in my head he is the toxic one as his behavior has repeated itself so many times. It's amazing how much control they have when they say don't call or text. I have no intention on reaching out though I thought about dropping a card off on his porch to tell him my true feelings. I realized he won't care and it will only empower him more. I have a true heart and I know somewhere in this world someone, someday may find me.
Thank you...xoxo💙
Let go and move on . . . so much easier to say than do when you are living the moment. Your email is timely and resonates so much. Two months ago it was 'lets take our relationship to the next level. To 5 weeks ago I need time and space to deal with my sh*t, to 2 weeks ago - by chance I have met someone, it was planned, it happened, it's happening. Crappy yes, but it is happening. Please understand it is not about you or you and me it just is.
How do you pick up and move on from that bombshell. Everyone around you means well, they respond with 'you deserve so much better'. But they are not the ones feeling the moment. Feeling the punch in the stomach, living the moment. Easy to say, hard to do - move on, you deserve better. Our minds get that but our hearts feel so much more. They have to compromise and come together, how do we move on. Distractions, activities, ups and downs, good days and bad. Some better than others. Finding strength to not reach out and ask for answers we will never obtain. Giver yourself permission to feel your emotions, it will be a process and we will get through but at our pace not by our friends who care and say - you deserve better.
So true, Darlene. All of this is so much easier said than done. All of it. Being honest with yourself helps. Taking it one day, sometimes one hour at a time helps. The clock still ticks along. We wonder if we'll ever feel all better. Not pretending helps. Not answering to anyone else helps. Finding your safe people and only them to share with helps. Knowing your triggers so you can see why you're reacting the way you do helps. Nothing completely helps in the way we want it to when we're going through it. But if you can find some hope, some relief, some calm in the smallest of things, you can know that someday, one day, there will be more than this, too.
Jane,
I just ended a similar situation! It was like a book I had read before, many of times, a book with the same ending, an ending I knew too often! I do think, that I found myself wanting him more than wanting him to treat me the way I deserved to be loved and respected! He did affect my self worth, confidence and self-esteem, but in the end I still had the same answer from him that I did 5 years ago! His answer was "He did not want a relationship" , even though he played the role and house, his words said something else to me. When a man speaks when should carefully listen to his words and not think that we can change him or his mind! Yes, many of times I still wanted him after he treated me badly and made excuses for him, but we shouldn't do that. It is very important to know what it is you are looking for in a man or relationship so that you don't continue in a destructive pattern that will only lead to heartache and pain. We have to see it for what it is, accept it, let him go and accept this so that we can move forward. Yes, to move forward on working on ourselves and finding that self worth love that we should all attain for oneself!
Oh Sonia, if I could turn back the clock for every time we hear someone say he doesn't want a relationship and see that as our green light instead of a red one, wow, we'd have so many years of our lives back. We can't look at it that way. We have to see it for ourselves. It has to be personal, not just someone telling you to believe him when he tells you he's not ready. Our programming is too deep. We've been perfectly conditioned with just the right amount of positive reinforcement to ensure we'll always see that as a personal quest to prove we're different, we're going to be the ones to get from him what no other woman has been able to do. When we're ready - or just hurt badly enough, we will see it and then it all makes sense. But we're human. So human. We love the way we love. We feel the way we feel. Accepting who we are, not fighting it anymore but embracing even those parts of us we want to beat ourselves up over, is the only way we come to love ourselves the way we were always meant to be loved. Hold your head up high. That you ended it at all is something to be proud of yourself for!
Dear Sisters:
With 42 years old I arrived in another non healthy relationship. Anyways it is not the same as when I was 17. My first love. Then I was so lost that I tried kissing everybody and drinking alcohol in order to run away from the pain. It did not work, of course. Nor did I know how to care and love myself. I am still practicing!!!!
I also punished the man I loved not seen him again, it did not work neither!Well, actually for that time it did but it was very painful. I stopped talking with my family and he sent anonymous messages and phone calls, and finally tried to suicide. Thanks life he is ok. This was long a trauma for me.
He contacted me a month ago (after 17 years!) and as I did not accept his Facebook invitation in 2 weeks he deleted it. Things seem not to have changed much. Though he had family, kids. So I tried to used it as fertilizer and thing that life is organizing around my success so it must be better so. He helped me take a decision.
I could not have a family of my own. I still have hopes. That is the only thing sometimes I feel ashamed of because I desire to love and be loved and form a family with this kind of man. But right now I am getting out of the heartache of last year and I have to accept I still can not move on.
As Jane's says, there are bad days. Yes!! The last 3 days I slept till mid day (it is holiday in Buenos Aires) but anyways.
The only thing I know I do better now: Is to love myself. All the lies this man said about my person are his issues to break the relationships. I have so contradictory desires, in a way if he would said I'm sorry I would give him a chance in the other side I want to delete him of my Facebook when I am angry and the third that would be better, just live my life. And also, 3 women that bothered me manipulating, competing or controlling me about what I do with this man. In a way I feel also that if I delete him (any contact to him) they would win, because I feel my values are different. If he wanted to be with one of them, I just accept he is not the guy for me.
So, accepting I still can't let go, is a good start. Just to accept is liberating.
I tried to go out, to dance, or to use dating apps but I do not write anybody.
So, accepting I still can't let go is a good start. Just to accept is liberating and from there to think what my next steps will be: to better and lighten my life :o)
One objetive for 2019 is to voice my needs, desires and disappointments in a kind way. To all the people that come in my life.
The other objective is as I talked to Jane: To use my glasses of Love & Safety.
Wish you all a beautiful rest of 2019!
With love and kindness,
Erica
Thanks for sharing, Erica. When we're so used to fighting the feelings that hurt so much to try to drive them away, we miss the point. We feel. We have good days, bad days, and in-between days. This, too, will pass. One day, one moment, one space in time. Tomorrow is always a new day!
I’m going thru the same thing. I have been seeing a guy I met on a dating site. On the site he stated he wants a relationship. Now it’s been 2 years. We have spent so much time together. Now he states he does not want a relationship and now he wants me to go to a swinging club with him. I have never done that before and I care too much for him to see him with someone else. He does not like it that I don’t want to swing with him. So he is back on a dating site. I know that I need to walk away. Because I do want a commitment with him but he is not able to provide that for me. I want to let go but he’s like a drug and I just can’t let go. When I get jealous, he verbally abuses me. I need to let go of him so I don’t get hurt more than I am now. Help 😢
Verbal abuse is so damaging, Dawn. Imagine you're looking at this behavior being acted out towards your daughter. You would be livid! We need to get our healthy anger back and advocate for ourselves, not just someone else. Of course he doesn't like it when you have a mind of your own and put up a boundary around what doesn't feel safe to you. He is like a drug. It is like an addiction. But it doesn't get better until you choose you. He's not going to change. He's only going to take you down with him. Why him? What is it about him that has you throwing away your own needs to serve his? We have to become okay with someone not liking something about us. We have to get comfortable with someone not being pleased with us. That's tough programming to break, but when the pain of staying where you are becomes worse than the unknown pain of risking being alone, we find the strength and the courage to do what we otherwise couldn't do.
Hi Jane
I ended our relationship as he was being distant and mentioned his ex at every opportunity so when I asked him what was going on he said he can't give me the relationship I want but carry on and see what happens. So I saw red and suggested we end it then he agreed.
I didn't consciously mean to end it but it was torturous and I was on edge and highs and lows all of the time. My problem is I have seen glimpses of the lovely man he is when not pining for his ex and am hoping he will eventually snap out of it and realise how perfect we are for each other. I'm worried he will pull himself together and another woman will get the hundred percent back to normal lovely man I thought I had a future with. We recently texted each other he still going on about him having a bad time I said I wasn't too happy but again he didn't ask about me all about him. He is so focussed on himself but I'm still living in hope.
I am so confused by this after going through a divorce some years ago and consciously staying on my own only to be introduced to this lovely man who broke my heart so I'm even more confused! Help some advice please. I just can't keep spending my life and time doing this I'm in my late 50s! Thank you
Oh those glimpses, Maud. What we'll do for those glimpses of hope. Yes, we can all agree he's a lovely man. But he is lovely for you? Is he lovely for you? I've lived the agony of that question - what if he snaps out of it and realizes how perfect you are for each other?! Yes, what if. You know what if? He'll call you. He'll email you. He'll text you. He'll drive to your house. He'll move heaven and earth to find you, to tell you he's come to his mind. The things we do for those glimpses are never worth what we do to ourselves in the process. The cumulative wasted years we've all spent waiting for those glimpses to turn into a relationship worth having would number lifetimes, Maud. You have so much to do. So many things to do besides waiting around for this particular man. Look around you. See who needs you. See what needs to be done that can't wait for you to wait around any longer wasting any more of your life away on this man. Do that instead. If he changes, if he comes around, who else would he tell but you?!
For a long time, four years, I was this person you describe but what has finally moved me on and allowed me to let go was him moving on and committing to someone else in the way he could never do for me so I’m here to say be grateful when they move on...I truly am. I wish he’d done it years ago because I never could. It has released me to stop wanting him at last.
Exactly, Cate! Never grateful at the time, but in looking back, oh so grateful when they do what we could never otherwise bring ourselves to do!
I've been seeing a widower for 8 months now. He doesn't know what he wants yet. His late wife has been gone for a year & a half. He tells me I'm his best friend & would do anything for me & he loves me & respects me. He is planning to move to another state at the end of the month & told me he will come back to visit with me & I can come visit him. But I just dont know, he's not really ready for a commitment. But tells me I'm the only one he has had sexual relationship. Should I give up on this & move on or just go with the flow for now?
How long can you go with the flow? Only you know, Chaddie. Set a timeframe. See where you're at then. Someone who doesn't know what he wants yet is shaky ground. Unless we also don't know what we want. But if we do, those are two different pages you're on and that's a cautionary tale that we know all too well.
GM Jane
Thank you for the wise words. It's pretty amazing how you are spot on. I realized this morning that this man I've "loved" for 10 years isnt really someone that I should love. I'm in love with the image of him. I've never been able to make him understand how bad he makes me feel. As soon as I do..he doesn't want anything to do with me. So for 10 years we've gone back and forth. After awhile he'll contact me and always make me believe it was me..I was the reason we stopped talking. This time I truly believed it was going to be different. My dream of us would finally come true. He told me he wanted to spend forever with me..offered for me to move in with him..told me he loved me. But his actions didn't match his words.
Am I wrong to believe that if you say those things to someone then don't you think that person would reach out to you. I was the one texting and calling him. I had to ask him if it was ok to call him..i was lucky if I got to speak to him once a day....The 4th of July was enough for me. I reached out to him by texting..long story short..i got " going to the man cave tonight n then walking to the beach to watch fireworks" ..never heard from him the whole day until I again reached out n got a generic text..heard nothing the rest of the night. Next morning I texted him..he gave me his rundown on his nite before..told me he left the beach at 11..got home..watched a movie till 2am..Really?
And no where in between that day did I cross your mind?
When I confronted him through text as usual ..his comment was I'm toxic..really? Because I feel talking to me after professing your love doesn't match up? He texted me and told me "don't call or text me again" wth?
So here I am again..thinking I shouldnt have said any thing. What the hell is wrong with me? I am toxic but to myself. I have no self esteem and always felt he was superior to me. Things he says would make me doubt myself. Is it really important to be in love with the image of Adonis at the cost of myself?
It is him, not you. Your comment hit me hard; “I’ve never been able to make him understand how bad he makes me feel.”
HE sounds toxic and perhaps even manipulative since it sounds like he knows what you want /knows what a relationship means, goes as far to claim he wants one, but then doesn’t act that way, and, worse, tries to act like that is okay or it is your issue or problem, if you question it.
I have learned the hard way: in situations like those, the other person cannot be reasoned with and trying to do so creates an enormous amount of unnecessary stress. It made me feel like I was turning into someone I am not.
The moment I chose to let it go , and get myself out of the situation, I felt a huge actual lifting of weight from my shoulders. It was strange, but felt wonderful.
The next few+ weeks were hard bc the guy I was dating loved nothing better to woo back girls and that can feel flattering , romantic, less lonely, hopeful, and make it easy to buy into the lie again. But I am so glad I stood strong that last time!!!
Fast-forward several years later and I was feeling so much more confident and happy and was free to meet my now-husband!! When you are ready, YOU can do it too! 🙂
Wow...thankyou...very uplifting to realize that it wasn't me and I didn't do anything wrong except want what he was handing out. The worst part for me is he truly believes it was me..I wanted to much but I guess getting the last word isn't everything when your heart and self esteem matter more. Congratulations on finding the courage to never go back and finding the man of your dreams. I hope one day it's me💔💙😚
Donna- I wish I could sit down and talk to you about this because I have been through it myself, back and forth with this man for many years- longer than 10.
It's not you and that is what's so hard to accept. We just beat ourselves up wondering what is wrong with us because these men think it is ok to behave this way. We only want the truth and if the truth means we are honest, open with our feelings and wanting to share our love with this person- what is so wrong with that? They just can't seem to accept it or know how to accept it.
I know the pain when he says don't contact me again because I've been there, but honestly- don't contact him again. Let it go and let him miss you. You have done all that you possibly can and it's time to stop allowing these "toxic" men to continue hurting us and destroying who we are.
Please know you're not alone, but from my experience it has to hurt so much before really accepting that this just can't be. I'm so sorry that you're going through this now.
Thank you Julia
Your words are so kind and sweet. I know in my head he is the toxic one as his behavior has repeated itself so many times. It's amazing how much control they have when they say don't call or text. I have no intention on reaching out though I thought about dropping a card off on his porch to tell him my true feelings. I realized he won't care and it will only empower him more. I have a true heart and I know somewhere in this world someone, someday may find me.
Thank you...xoxo💙
Take him down off that pedestal, Donna. We spend a lifetime worrying about what we shouldn't have said, forgetting that with someone who's actually right for us, we wouldn't have had to say anything at all.
Thank you Jane
Those words said it all! How true of a statement.
Blessings for your wisdom and insight! What we all will do to just feel loved and feel like we matter😢