When your view of yourself is limited to the words you heard growing up as a child from people who had so many of their own issues, because they didn't know how to love themselves let alone love you, their words become your own.
You don't see yourself as lovable, beautiful, spirited, passionate, confident.
You see yourself as flawed, unlovable, clumsy, messy, stubborn, lazy or whatever other words were thrown at you.
As adults, when we don't understand these underlying roots of our assumed identities, we attract people who are familiar to us. People who remind us of our parents, who have a similar view of us as we're used to.
As much as we can hardly bear to hear those words spoken or implied again, it's the only thing we know.
That's why separating those early roots from our reality today is such an important part of creating healthy relationships. We have to first be attracted to healthy people before we can form healthy relationships!
And if all we're doing is attempting to recreate a scenario where we can convince someone of our inherent worth, someone who has all the same unhealthy characteristics as the ones who wounded us in the first place, we'll never get any closer to that love we're searching for.
I'm changing that here.
I'm on a mission to give you a view of yourself that's different from the one you've been given. I'm helping you see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and knows what it feels like to be human - yes, fully human with all your inherent shortcomings and imperfections and everything else you consider to be your flaws - and to give you a different response to them.
It's called unconditional acceptance.
Tell me your story, tell me just how bad it is, how heartbreaking, how heart wrenching it is and I'll find for you the reasons "why" behind it.
The reasons that will never have you running from that story, but embracing it, owning it and understanding why you couldn't have done anything different about it at that particular time. If you could, you would have. You know that, but having someone believe you is a whole other thing.
The reason why is never an excuse. It's the very thing that allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and the roles we play while understanding the factors that had us in such a desperate place at all.
See, at the root of all our dysfunctional relationships that we insist on working on even when it's obvious to everyone else what the outcome is going to be, is the issue of our worth. We can't fail unless we see it as failure instead of what it really is: choosing to walk away from something that's hurting us.
But failing or a failure is how we see it when everything is seen through the view of worthiness.
When all the love you've ever been loved with is conditional, you have no idea how to prove yourself worthy.
You can't. You've been set up.
And you'll fail every single time with a trail of relationships that didn't work out because at the root of your wanting to be with someone is this need to finally prove your worth. And with that being at the root, what we're really talking about here is you giving all your power away to someone who can now hold your worth over you.
But that's not something you can prove to someone, nor is there any reason to prove it to anyone in the first place because we're all worthy in our own right!
Whatever you have or haven't done in your past doesn't negate your worth because you did the best you could with what you knew at the time and your programming didn't allow you to have the insight you can have today to make those positive changes in your life.
It's such a lie we've been set-up with.
Someone doesn't make you worthy! You make yourself worthy. You recognize you were worthy from the start, you were worthy all along, and you would have been given that message if you had been raised by people who felt they were worthy themselves.
It's in creating a life that gives you those touchstone moments where you can see how far you've already come, where you can see the light you carry within yourself as a person who is worthy as you are - just by being you. These are the ways we create confidence in our value as a human being!
It's why I say that you find him by finding you.
You find the love of your life by finding the loves of your own life, the sparks that ignite the fires of your passions, the calls to action that give you your purpose - your reason for living - your worth!
Don't you dare entrust that to a mere human with their own blind spots!
Some of the people you choose are going to love you. Some of them are never going to and it will be to your own detriment to try to get them to.
But does this lack of capability in them ever reflect on you? No, never. But when you've been programmed all your life to believe this, to resist making it your reality is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
Look within to someone's heart. Look at the heart of a group, a company, a gathering you're considering joining.
Is it a heart like yours? Good. This might be a place you belong.
Is it not like yours? That's still good. That's your indicator this isn't a place for you.
It's never as personal as it feels. It's the lighting and darkening of your path. If it's light, it's a possibility, if it's dark, you don't even go there.
There is no worth to be found in places surrounded by people we were never meant to be with. Don't ever forget that it's only our deeply rooted programming that ever tells us otherwise.
Love,
Jane
Does this resonate with where you are right now? If it does, tell me "yes" in the comments below. It's a journey. Don't be discouraged because it isn't easier. Changing our patterns and our programming takes time. I'd love to hear from you and walk through this part with you!
I found out fourteen weeks ago that my husband had abused his step daughters from twenty five years ago. He masturbated in front of them and shaved their public hair off
I've left him im absolutely heart broken
Hi Jane, Thank you for this article. My marriage of 10 years (16 years together) had ended 9 months ago because of me sexting another married man. I betrayed my husband’s trust and lied to him about it and was caught. I recognized then that I was not myself and I should have approached my husband in the first place of explaining the need for attention. He said that if he came back he would never be able to trust me and will always have a doubt in his mind. I’m heartbroken as I’ve told him that I loved him unconditionally but he told me since the start of our relationship that if I cheated he would leave. It’s hard to accept that he doesn’t love me however like you mentioned we cannot force someone to see our worthiness. We have to value our own worth.
Jane,
Thank you so much for this article. I honestly feel it was written for me. Without going into too much of my personal background, I came from very dysfunctional parents and was left to find out about life on my own, do what I wanted when I wanted but constantly feeling I had to prove myself to earn anyone's attention or affection.
I see this now more clearly than ever. I have a failed marriage, relationships from my younger days to now that make me feel worthless but yet I keep on chasing after the men that never are there for me and think nothing of making me feel worse about myself.
I want to trust and believe that they really care about me but I know they don't and it makes me push harder leading to more pain and self esteem bashing. As I get older this has become so much more evident. I've just had another one of these come through my life and I just don't understand why I keep doing it. He seemed different, nice, caring, and then the big hit. I'm trying because I still am not over a horrific heartbreak from a few months ago. I believe I'm meant to live my life alone and to find things that I will do for myself, but the thought of being alone when I feel I have so much to give is frightening. I am trying to resign to this and understand that every relationship I've had has been me chasing, giving, giving more and wanting, but not getting it back and wondering why not me, what is wrong with me?
Time for me to give up the chase, accept what is and try to make a life for myself that will please me. Thank you for opening my eyes to realise that I'm spinning my wheels over things that just are not possible.
Oh Julia, how I hear you. That "constantly feeling I had to prove myself to earn anyone's attention or affection" runs so deep, it affects every part of us until we first recognize it and then begin to take the steps to change it. This isn't easy. Be so proud of yourself for being willing to see those "spinning wheels" at all! Most of us see them at first as a reason to keep right on spinning because it's all we've known and all that we're used to and every part of us as deep as our cells tells us it's normal!
Thank you Jane
Thank you for sending the email about not giving power away or trying to find worth through another. The one that left, got what he wanted, fibbed about being unhappy with the one he was with ( not married to but shacked up with and all her stuff still at his place) never intending to leave, emotionally cheating on her and other with me---
wasn't the one I should have ever been with. Yep, I sometimes still slip and fantsize that after ghosting me 4 months and counting that he'll call---- but know that in reality he won't.
Been doing other things- taking up Lindy hop, Balboa, bachata, Line Dance , swing, Argentine Tango and ballroom and meeting other people, but occassionally he comes to mind and I get sad all over again.
Been doing forgiveness work, for him and me, journalizing, because I want this feeling over more sooner then later. Don't intend to waste years on thinking of him. Want to go to Grad or Ph.D/JD level school, buy my own house, be my own prince/princess charming, then maybe I'll be in the power position to pick out the correct Mr. Right- for me.
Thanks for sharing, Gena. The human experience right here - doing all those other things but still he comes to mind and then the reality that you feel, that you love, that you can both be sad for what could have been and still know you were indeed with someone you never should have been with. That's the beautifully human part of us. We can feel and still know we have to choose ourselves over some him if our reality check shows us something we could never live with. You won't ... and you will! Much love.
yes