I wasn’t real.
They, on the other hand, might have been. But I would never know.
Because until I was able to get real, nothing was real. What I came face to face with was the reality that I didn’t know how to be real. I was too busy trying to be perfect.
Trying to figure out what it was they wanted me to be and then being that. Trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend-ness".
That’s all I knew. And that’s what I thought mattered.
I knew I wanted someone to choose me, to make me feel like something. To give a life to fit into. To give me a world to fit into and a role to play. To give me the instruction sheet on how to do a relationship.
Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be it.
I was really, really good at picking up on cues on what someone wants me to be. I could read people like a book.
In fact, we’re so good at reading other people because we have to be. One slip up and we could be out of there. Tossed out. Discarded. Not chosen.
Not worthy. Not loved. (Read: worthless.)
Our survival as a person depends on it because if we don’t read the cues and pick up on what it is they’re looking for, we won’t be loved. At least not by the ones that matter. And without that, we have nothing. We are nothing.
Or so we think.
Girlfriend, please read this slowly.
You have worth just because you exist! You have worth just because you were born! You have worth just because you are!
You don’t need a guy to give you worth, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel like you can take your place among everyone else in this world because they’re chosen too.
You have worth just because you are here on this earth!
That’s why I’m here writing this to you. It’s not just in everyone else and not in us. Oh, it’s in us all right. We just don’t see it.
And the only way we’re finally going to see it is by opening ourselves up a little, even just a little crack, to the possibility that we might just have everything we need right here within ourselves.
The kicker is that you won’t believe this until you get there yourself. My saying it or anyone else saying it - no matter how many times - won’t make a difference until you’re ready to receive it.
And the only way you’ll be ready to receive it is when you finally give up this search.
This incessant search for something outside of yourself to make you feel okay inside yourself. Deep down inside.
You know, that place where you feel there’s everything wrong with you and nothing right.
And you don’t know why or what to do about it or how to get it, but here, in our culture, where we’re raised to believe that something amazing happens to us once some guy chooses us and makes us his bride and we live happily ever after. That something magically happens to suddenly make us okay inside and takes all the wrong away and makes us all right.
The tragic part is that you actually believe that’s how it happens. And so did I. And that’s why we’ll sell our souls, give up what we might actually enjoying doing, give up our lives, what little we know of ourselves and what we might like to do for a life.
Give it all up if we can get a script to what we need to be to get that feeling inside of us that makes us feel like we’re okay. That we’re chosen. That we have worth because someone chose us.
Like an auction block.
It’s us against them so we can’t get too close to the competition either, which is why we sometimes don’t have too many girlfriends, lest they get picked over us.
Oh, we can be the jealous type, too.
Because what we’re fighting for isn’t just about a guy. It’s about worth. Our worthiness. And if they get chosen over us, then that means they have it and we don’t.
So you see? It isn’t really about this great guy. It’s more about him choosing us than about him. More about him picking us than who he is as a person.
We forget that we have worth without him. That we need to be carefully picking him, making sure he’s the right guy for us instead of the other way around.
Somehow, we have it so backward. The tragedy is the extent that we actually believe this.
It’s only because I’ve been there that I can tell you that it’s not. Because I believed it, too. And one of these days you’re going to see it, too. Something’s going to click and you’re going to see the light, and yourself, for what you really are.
It's the day you give up the search for him and begin the beautiful search for yourself. Because she’s in there just waiting for you to see all that you are, all that you have to bring to a relationship from you, not what you think he wants that you try to present yourself as a perfect package.
There is no perfect package. That’s the first lesson of real love.
There’s just a real you and a real him and a real relationship that’s waiting to unfold and begin. But the irony is it can’t begin until you show up.
Not the you that you think you need to be or that someone wants you to be, or what you think a relationship is all about. There’s only two people who can make a relationship and no one will know what that looks like until you bring yourself.
There is no script. There is no mold or role. That’s just not real. Think about it. A relationship is just you and him.
What he brings of himself and what you bring of yourself. You determine what it looks like. For you.
So does he. For him.
And it changes, all the time. Because you change. You’re not going to feel the same way every day. Some days you’ll feel one way and some days another, and so will he. And the beauty of it is that you’re both in the same boat; you’re both making your way through the relationship waters together.
He doesn’t know any more than you do. And he’s no better than you.
Yes, I know, that can be scary. Because sometimes, it’s a lot of work to be who you really are if it means conflict or messiness in sorting it out together. Sometimes, it’s a whole lot easier to just be given a script with a role in a play where you just act out the character; in our case, it’s the perfect girlfriend leading to the perfect wife.
But life isn’t like that.
Even if it was, if you found someone who pegged you in a role and all you had to do was act, it would eventually make you miserable because no one can be that disconnected to their true selves and be truly happy.
Are you getting this? There’s a reason why we’re making plans to go to them, to fit into their lives - it’s easier that way, it’s the role we’ve been playing our whole lives.
But here’s the thing that we just don’t seem to get. This guy, and any guy, all he wants is to be loved for who he is, too.
Just like you. We all do.
We’re scared that if he sees how much we want that, it’ll scare him off, because somewhere along the way we learned that it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable, to let our guard down and be real. Just be ourselves.
Because we don’t know ourselves that well. And what we do know, we don’t like. We don’t think we’re good enough, and we don’t think anyone will love us if they know how needy we are.
But listen to me here. We only get needy when we get scared.
We’re only needy when we get scared that there’s a scarcity out there, that there’s no one left for us, that there isn’t someone who's going to come alongside us one day and be that guy for us. And that we’ll be alone.
It all comes down to that.
We’re scared to admit that we want to be with someone because we think we’re not supposed to need anyone like that.
Why can’t we ask for what we want? Why can’t we see that we all just want to be loved and accepted by another person who will love us just the way we are? Because that’s what we deserve -nothing less.
Every little glimpse of awareness of the real story behind the story we’re so used to telling ourselves because it's the only one we've been told, opens us up a little more to seeing the truth. The real truth, Beautiful. The truth of who and what you absolutely deserve!
What do you deserve, Beautiful? What have you forgotten along the way? Tell us all about it in the comments below.
Hi Jane! I just want to say thank you for your BCRYou program. I'm almost half way through week 4 (though I'll be honest, it took me probably 8 weeks of consistent work to get this far). This program really clicked with me. Your methods really aligned with my personal beliefs about how the universe works. Habits like this don't become permanent overnight though, and I will be going back through it again and again.
I feel transformed from the inside out. I had somehow forgotten what an amazing, interesting, and worthy person I am. Each day I feel more love for myself and keep taking action on that self love. I've also been chipping away at my fear of ending up alone, facing it and breaking it down. It's amazing how much that subconscious fear drove so many of my actions.
It's really great how many of my engrained beliefs about love have been turned around. I even uncovered a few that I never even realized were there. The biggest belief that has changed is that I know he's out there. I feel it deep inside me. He's out there and he's looking for me too. No more panicked searching in a desperate attempt to prove my fears wrong (which only seemed to prove them more right). I used to feel like the universe was conspiring against me. These day's I'm learning to trust that the universe is bringing us together. I'm starting to delegate a lot of the work to my PA, and I'm practicing feeling the relationship I want everyday. I believe that the more I FEEL it, the higher I vibrate in line with it, and the quicker the world around me will respond to match that vibration.
I was living a life of passions before this program. I had recently taken a big leap and moved across the country to a place where I could truly embrace my passions. But as part of my self love, I've been taken steps to throw myself even deeper into them. And I'm having more fun than ever! The interesting thing is as soon as I decided to really embrace my passions and joy, things started happening. New opportunities have started presenting themselves, I've been meeting a lot of new people, and I feel countless new doors are opening. It's almost like the universe is saying "You want joy? Sure you can have as much as you want!"
Some of week 4 has to do with dating, and you even mention online dating. I think I might just hold off on that part for a while though. I've spent so much time looking for something and someone outside of myself. Now that I've released "the search" in favor of focusing on myself, I feel fantastic. I want to hold onto this feeling for a while. For once, I believe he's out there and that we will find each other. That's all I need right now. In the mean time, if he's looking for me, I'll be out exploring and having the time of my life!
Thank you!
Sky11
I'm so excited you embarked on this journey with my program, Sky11! It doesn't surprise me at all that you're finding the results you are - but I love hearing the details and can't thank you enough for stopping by to share them with me. 🙂 Hold onto every minute of this part - it only gets better from here, but savoring each and every step of this present moment - and all the joy you're finding here now - is worth everything. He is out there. Always was. It's just we who have to figure out how to work with our own programming to figure out how to break through all those layers to get to that. You go, girl!
PS Can't wait to meet you at the end - you'll get an email to book your complimentary coaching session with me after Week 4.
Thank you Jane I am more confident what's really important when I started looking inside myself what I really want is real love I am scared to put myself out there I did a little bit of online dating which was a waste of time I am having a little bit of insecurity this is where it's really tough it did get better when I Let Go my past regret I would say I'm very happy now loving myself more looking forward for engage group with the ladies
I'm so glad, Olive. And I'm thrilled you've joing our "Engage!" community!
Oh this sounds fun! Do you ever do the coaching session via email? Phone is not my forte 😀
Sure! I'm always up for reinventing the wheel. 🙂
The truth can be seen from so many angles and yet it is one truth. It is astonishing, Jane, the way you are able to write about the truth of unhealthy and healthy relationship in so many ways, all of them insightful and thought-provoking. When I put them together, I am able to see myself and men in a way that I never did before. There is so much more light in my life. I stopped being real at about 2 years old in order to survive. There is no reason for me to be anything but real today. Each time I am real, I remember that it took an effort to learn not to be real. Being real involves taking risks that a 2-year-old girl couldn't take. I'm no longer willing to pay the price of trying to be someone I am not. It is a learning process of a lifetime.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Ella. You know I'm always trying to give you more to see and think about, so I'm thrilled this came through for you. "Each time I am real, I remember that it took an effort to learn not to be real." I love this part especially. Yes, it used to be second nature, but how right you are that when we learned what we needed to do to survive, we learned to live a whole other life. Hug that little 2 year old girl for me. We're all those little wounded girls and boys deep down inside doing what we learned so well to do to be loved. Being loved WAS survival and that explains so much! So true.
THis is interesting. I am constantly evaluating myself trying to work out how to be, how to 'play' a situation, the best response. When I really want to text a guy I hold back - because y'know they should text us right? It does feel better that way, but then he says it feels better for him too. I find the whole thing confusing. What would happen, I wonder, if I forgot all the rules I ever knew and just related as myself. It's a terrifying thought somehow. Eek. But so much information says play it cool, hold back, don't dive in, make them work for it, it's terrifying to do otherwise. I think if you're in their mind, they contact you. Surely?
Surely, Nina. But since you sound so much like me, I'm going to make one suggestion that you make sure he's not the only one in your life so that he gets so much of your time and energy and attention without having to work a little to prove himself worthy of you. You're a gift. A very special one. So remember that he has to show you that he can handle you - that he's capable of all the beautiful light you bring with you wrapped up in your personality and the absolute essence of you! - before you give him too much of a beautiful preview of you!
It's interesting to see how not being real can affect different aspects of my life. This post got me to think about my friendships. A pattern I seem to have is that I tend to usually have female friends, not male friends. It has been that way from the beginning. I always thought it made sense that I felt safer among women than around men; I thought the reasons for this were obvious given that the bullying usually hurt more when it came from boys and because they simply ignored me when they were not horrible towards me. But now I see something else. While physically it might be safer for me to be around women, I had been missing something. Some of the bullying came from other girls, and many others, even the ones who were supposed to be my friends never stood up to the bullies to defend me, in fact, many just found the insults funny and laughed even when I was there. I'm beginning to think my putting on a mask was not just around men, but also around the women around me. When I think of my closest friends throughout the years, they all have had a few things in common. They all were what you would call "the beauty standard". They turned heads even when not made up, they were all bubbly and popular, pretty capable and carefree. They never had an issue finding partners, even if they had other difficulties in their relationships. They all sought me out and I deemed them friends because of it. They seemed very friendly towards me mostly at the beginning and I somehow thought that was enough to call them my friends... But after a while, things started to change. They found other friends they preferred to hang out with and usually after a period when I was their shoulder to cry on; distance would grow and I would feel abandoned and sad. Eventually the friendship just faded a way.... But I never really told them nor shared my true feelings and thoughts. I also hid from them in many ways, but I was always happy to be there for them through their hard times, till of course I felt discarded. It's a weird dynamic I recreated, but I think it's the same dynamic I had with my sister growing up. That was the first time that pattern showed up. Funny how we recreate a lot of situations in our lives with friends and partners or prospective partners.
I wonder how we're supposed to feel very very secure in who we are so we are fine even among wonderful and attractive women that are of course approached around us while we get ignored the whole time. How can we get to that place? Is it possible? I would like it to never bother me anymore. I remind myself constantly that it's just how it is and it's alright because I am me and I am totally fine even if ignored around my friends or acquaintances, but I think I still struggle a bit with feeling down on myself.
This has been quite an interesting post, Jane. I worked out a few things while reading and later typing this comment.