Every New Year we’re given another chance.
To do something different. To clean the slate. To start fresh. To begin again.
And every year we resolve to do exactly this. To do things differently, to turn over a new leaf and do everything we didn’t do before.
We’re so full of good intentions, so full of hope. We’re determined to make this year “our year”.
Except that it rarely turns out this way.
Sure, we make small strides and little steps along the way, but it seldom (if ever) turns out the way we expected it to when we compare notes at the end of the year.
Why is this such a pattern? Why does it plague most of us? And more importantly, what can we actually DO about it to make sure it doesn’t happen this year as well?
Because you know I’ve been there. You know my default is to read and read and read and go to some latest workshop or listen to some incredibly inspiring podcast and then I’m ready to go and make my dreams come true!
It's always been like this (and still is!)
Remember my self-help book collection post? Yep. My collection only grew upward from there. And then my workshop list and podcast collection added to the mix led to something that I know you identify with more than you’d like to admit to.
So many of my clients and readers identify with what I’m talking about here. You are hands down some of the most psychologically aware and spiritually evolved women I’ve ever had the pleasure of getting to know!
But like me, it’s not enough to take you all the way. What IS enough is something most of the self-help crowd doesn’t address for us either.
It’s the part where we’re told to find it within ourselves, to stop looking for affirmation and confirmation from anywhere outside of ourselves and the like.
But here’s the problem with this.
What if the only place we’ve ever been told we’re okay has always come from somewhere outside of ourselves? What if the only reference point we have is with someone else? What if without the external validation that we’re enough or not too much, our programming is simply too great to believe we are?
I’ll tell you what then.
There’s something about finding the creative expression of your personality, of who you are, of what you’re all about, in a way that captures the idea of living your life out loud. There’s something about discovering who you were at precisely the point where you lost your ability to do this, and going out and making that happen with a tribe of people.
With YOUR tribe of people. People who love you and support you in making that happen!
See what happens when you tell someone who has their own agenda, who was never able to figure out how to do things differently for themselves, that you’re doing something they’ve never in their wildest dreams had the courage to try. See what happens when you announce your courageous news.
How long does it take your inner critic to kick in? Your past programming to start you on the fast track to self-doubt? Then watch how quickly all your confidence fades away to nothing and you’re back to questioning how this could ever work for you.
I know because I've experienced it - too many times to want to count!
Here's what I've found.
You can’t do this without support. You can’t do it without allies. You can’t do this without your tribe.
Some of you are fortunate enough to have this in your lives already, at least to some extent. But many of you aren’t. And I’ll tell you just how important it is. More and more scientific studies are pointing to the correlation between social connections and good health.
In the classic Maslow's heirarchy of needs, it comes right after our physical needs (food, water, safety).
Because connection is just that important. We can't survive without it, at least not for very long.
So to start this year off, I want you to start looking at who you’re surrounding yourself with. Are they the ones who lift you up? Or are they the ones who bring you down?
Are they the ones who inspire you? Or the ones who leave you so disenchanted you can't even summon up the energy to recognize why?
See, the problem is that you’re given so much information about how to make someone love you, what to say or do or BE to get someone to want you, but what you’re not told is how to make this happen from the one place that makes or breaks this – within you!
So how do you get that within yourself when the only place you’ve been looking is somewhere outside of yourself?
You go find the ones that speak to you on a level you've never looked at before. You start noticing the ones who embrace you. You start to see the ones who choose to be with you because of you not in spite of you!
Girls, we’ve got some house cleaning to do!
But you’ve got to first know where to look and what you’re looking for. You can’t do this without knowing this part first.
You know that feeling you get when you’re with the right ones for you? Right, we’re not as used to that. You know that feeling you get when you’re with the wrong ones? That’s the one we know all too well!
It’s where we feel something’s wrong with us, it’s where our codependency kicks in. It’s where we become so self-conscious about everything we do and say, we can’t maintain our objectivity.
The truth is most of our insecurities are only because we’re with the wrong people – and have been with the wrong people for most of our lives. Get to know that feeling first, and all of this becomes easier.
This is the year of you doing the choosing instead of waiting to be chosen.
It’s the year of you choosing to be genuiniely selective instead of making excuses for your selectivity. It’s the year of you owning every part of you – imperfections and all. It’s the year of no more excuses.
This is the year you hold your own and admit you’re human and only other human beings who recognize their own humanness will do for you.
This is the year of you putting yourself first, because it’s the only way you’ll ever see yourself as an equal.
Sure, we've got some ground to make up, but together we’re going to change this pattern of automatically putting the latest him – or anyone else for that matter – up on a pedestal.
And if you haven’t already figured this out, we’re in this together, you and me. Yes, I've found my own true love, but I’ll always remember what it feels like, and every part of what you're going through that brings you here with me!
Happy New Year, Beautiful. This one's all yours. Here's to you!