I did it again.
I put my foot in my mouth. In my excitement, my passion, my well-intentioned motive to connect more deeply, I say or do something that makes me feel awkward.
Again.
I should be getting used to this by now, but it’s still an uncomfortable place for me. So I’m learning a new way of dealing with, well, me.
If I allow myself to care so much about what other people are now going to think of me, or what they’re going to say about me, then I’ve given them all the power.
But if instead I recognize that no, this is all me - that I said what I said with all that passion behind it because this, too is the authentic real me - then I keep every bit of my power. And maybe I even gain some.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, because, well, it came up again.
But this time I held onto the moment where I set myself free so that I could share this with you and give you something tangible to hold onto, too.
I was having a casual conversation with an acquaintance who I felt mattered to me. I only knew this woman from a distance, but even so I recognized that I had fallen back into my "impress and please" self, where I go on autopilot even as I realize it's happening.
I share too much of myself too soon because I want to connect, I want to be known, I want to know more of this person and their world and I want to find our common ground to connect and feel like a part of a larger humanity.
This is all me. I own this now. Every time it happens I own this. Where others are just going on by engaging on a surface level, I want more than just surfaceness. It's just who I am.
I used to believe there was something wrong with me for wanting connections like this. Even in those surface fleeting ones, I wanted them to be more than that. I wanted them to be connections that revealed more of a kinder, gentler, more connected humanity.
Instead of trying to change to meet the cultural norms, to be what everyone else was so used to being, I wanted there to be more. So much more.
And this, I've learned, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me!
Who's to say what's wrong with any of our differences? Who's earned the right to judge another like that? On anything, on everything - who do we give our power away to so easily because of what "they" have to say or how powerful or all-knowing they come across?
We GIVE this power away. We GIVE them the right to do this. They can't take it unless we give it to them, unless we assign ourselves their number.
Lean in.
That’s right. Lean in.
Be more of who you are, not less.
Remind yourself that you said or did whatever it was you said or did precisely because you’re not perfect, precisely because you are just that human, precisely because you’re every bit of you. And then some.
These are the very things that make you YOU!
The awkward, uncomfortable feeling we get is our programming. It comes from years and years of being given that lecture, that stern finger, or worse - that reprimand that we behaved in a way that we shouldn’t have.
According to whom? That’s what I’ve learned to ask. According to whom?!
To the ones who would have you submitting to them and their idea of what you’re supposed to be doing and who you’re supposed to be. To the ones who benefit so much from you living your life the way they think you should. Deferring to everyone else and the culture at large instead of being who you really are.
Commercial marketing thrives on this. The media lives on it. Our culture demands it. Our friends and family need us to be this way, so they can feel OK about being this way too. So everyone can keep their lives neat and tidy and oh so predictable.
It’s the order of things and it needs to be and stay exactly the way it is.
But when you lean in, when you embrace the very things you just said or did that would normally leave you berating yourself, beating yourself up yet again for not being more “normal”, or less of the “too much” that you try to reign in, something beautiful happens.
You don’t go down. You don’t become powerless. You don’t lose your shine.
You glow.
You rise.
You shine.
You hold your head up just as high as it was before and you stand up tall. You didn’t need to dust yourself off because you didn’t go down as low as you used to go. You stood in your very own power.
You were YOU.
Some people are going to love you for it, Beautiful. They’re going to fall in love with the essence of you. You're going to find your people in them.
There’s going to be others who confirm everything that little girl inside you fears; that you were too much again. They’ll walk away, they’ll avoid you, they’ll think everything you imagine they do.
But there’s a new way of looking at these people too, when you lean in.
You don’t shrink away. You stand. You smile to yourself. This is the part you never understood before.
This is how you find your people. Friends, yeah. And also that special kind of person who we’re kinda all looking for here. Yep. Him, too.
Your peeps. Your tribe.
If there’s ever been anything that’s helped me to find mine, it’s this and only this. Leaning in.
Uncomfortable? You bet. Worth it? Absolutely!
And it gets easier. Humor helps. As in laughing at yourself as you stumble your way through getting comfortable with you, all of you, and especially all too much of you.
Too much for whom? For people you'd find out you had nothing in common with if you sat down and really got to know them better? That’s right. See, we only have so much time to spend vetting everybody and we really want to spend our time with the real ones, the good ones, the right ones for us.
Someone who gives you that smile is a good bet. Someone who gives you that look that reminds you of when you were about to be chastised for forgetting how to be a good little girl probably isn’t.
So let go of all of these things you're trying to be just to impress someone who's opinion you really don't even care about, because they're not your people. If they were, you'd know.
Feel that difference? Good. Now we’ve got some practicing to do.
You and me, and the rest of our tribe.
How about you? Have you leaned in yet? I can’t wait to hear your story. Tell us all about it in the comments below. We love you just the way you are!
Oh, Jane. Thank you for being, foot in the mouth and all. I read this when you posted it, but busy as we all are, I haven't had the chance to post. I relate to so much of what you are describing, including the presumed "oversharing" and wanting to cut through the trivial and get to the core and substance of any genuine bond between people.... Thank you for telling us that there are people like you out there, and we are not alone!
I have felt everything that you describe, so to read this coming from you was a mixture of relief, understanding, and laughter, as I couldn't stop from chuckling to myself while nodding my head "yup. that's how I am, too."
I'm so tired of apologizing for being me. I apologized for who I was even yesterday, and someone much younger laughed and politely said "you always make fun of yourself" -- which was enough of a gentle jolt to wake me up from my usual self-deprecating humor.
Thanks, Jane, for everything. I'll buy your book and pass it on to my friends when you get it published!
"Yup, that's how I am, too." Doesn't it feel so good to know we're not alone?! Oh those gentle jolts from people who know us well enough to speak out loud what we've so often carried on ourselves as shame. And aren't you so weet about my book - I can't wait to read it myself to remember all the things I need to remember - still! 🙂
This post came right on time for me! There's a man I am interested in and he is away for his job alot and we have to call and text email alot to communicate. With most men I try to " lean back as a few popular dating coaches tell women to do ( which I do think works with a "basic" type man btw and not call or text too much, or get too excited or speak passionately about a subject and try to be mysterious so they don't get scared or think I'm desperate . But this man i feel a soul connection with like I could tell him anything and he would listen and he's more of enlightened type so I HAVE been emailing him qite a bit,texting ( I don't call him though I let him call me and he does as well as reply to my messages) telling him my hopes dreams, true feelings cuz I feel we have a connection and I want to delve deeper with him and all that stuff you mentioned feeling with your friend and a little voice crept up saying ( why did you send him those messages? he's going to think you are nuts or too this or that and you are going to turn him off!) so I point blank said I hope I'm not turning you off with my passionate rants, etc and we had a discussion about other men I've tried to date thinking I'm too this or that or judging me negatively by my looks and by passionate vibe and he reassured me he was not put off... 🙂 A small piece of me is still thinking I should water myself down abit until He really claims me but another part says no- you are a multi faceted gem and there is a real man that can accept and love all your facets- that's the one you want not some guy you had to fake your true self to get!" So I am just going to continue to be myself like you recommend and take these dating " rules" on a case by case basis because one size oes not fit all. Thanks Jane!
That's exactly it, Kayla. The more you're yourself, the closer a match you're going to get with someone who actually loves you for you, someone who you're actually compatible with, someone who is in love with YOU and not some pretense of someone else you're trying to be! So glad this resonated with you!
Dear Jane,
I almost cried reading this article. I've been on my "self-love journey" for half a year now and I think this might be the first time that I have hope that I really got this and that I'm strong enough to live my life accordingly. And then I realized that I already started living it and that this huge weight is coming off of my shoulders with every self-loving step I take. I hope I never ever lose myself again. There is so much beauty and freedom in your words, thank you deeply for sharing!<3
Oh you are, Diane - and then some! Look at how far you've come. Look at what you've become - you, all you!
This is what you've made, this is what you've created. Thrilled that this resonated so deeply with you!
This concern about sharing too much too soon is very familiar to me. I thrive on communication like most women. This is awkward and uncomfortable for some people and the opposite for others. I think we can see that uncomfortable feeling as a messenger that we are not around people we can be comfortable communicating. Of course i am not talking about first impressions. But if we spend some time with some people and still can't be comfortable to be ourselves, this is a warning sign. I have great female friends that i can share more than just small talk. But when it comes to men, i really struggle to open up. I become so guarded and i build walls around me unintentionally. People who know me very well say that my walls make it impossible for any men to reach me. But i can't open up to them like i can open up to my friends. In the past men in my life (not just romantic relationships, friends and family members too) made fun of or took advantage of my willingness to communicate and be vulnerable. After every post i read i become more convinced that i need to find someone who is good at communication but i think if that guys really exist, they are too scared to approach me.
Now you're getting somewhere, Gizem. What are your walls made of? What's behind them? Why these walls at all? Be you, not the walls. Show them you, not the walls. If you take it slow and really take your time to get to know someone before letting them in, you can let down the walls while setting healthy boundaries instead. Boundaries are so much better than walls because they allow you to clearly see what you're letting in - and keeping out!
“Then one day someone said to me, Don’t change. I Love you just as you are. Those words were music to my ears: Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I Love you exactly as you are. I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly “I” changed!”
(Anthony de Mello)
Thank you, Jane, for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. After reading your thoughts for today, I re-discovered the above quote that I saved who knows how long ago. I'm not a religious person, but I keep finding inspiring thoughts about loving ourselves as we are from people who are religious. I just read a wonderful book by Padraig O Tuama, an Irish Catholic who is gay. His book is called In the Shelter: Finding a home in the world.
So much in his book about learning to know and love himself and be himself. I would say that he is someone who has found true love. He speaks of so many of the issues we talk about here.
I am looking forward to reading your book, Jane!
I'm glad this resonated so much with you, Ella. Always love what you have to share!
Jane, we have that in common. The wanting more and sharing a lot quickly. And then feeling guilty. Interestingly enough, on this path to learning and in this new country I call home, I've learned to share less and observe more. The only times I share more I find are with people that don't make me feel nervous in any way.
What I do berate myself about sometimes now is that I point out the downsides of things or disagree with whatever trope happens to be the most common people say. I just cannot pretend to agree when I don't. Sometimes I have the feeling some people see me like a downer or too opinionated or too serious. And I do feel bad. But I also know that is also my dad's disapproval at the back of my mind. My dad didn't like me being stubborn and opinionated, he didn't like my eye-rolling ways lol. I did that even when I was a small child and before I learned to be afraid, I was very vocal about what I didn't like or when I wasn't happy about something, or when something just didn't make sense. I know now that that was beat up away from me. Sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes with a disapproving look. And I still struggle to say what I want. I still struggle to figure out what it is I need and to ask for it. I am riddled with guilt and shame every time. But I am learning to just give myself a break. The world doesn't, so I decided I will give myself a break. Pretending hasn't gotten me anywhere anyway, so I might as well just be my uncomfortable self and whoever feels uncomfortable can just walz away, even if I feel sad about it. It's hard to remember that the people who are right simply won't. They will stay. I haven't found many of those people, but I also know it's because I retreat and observe and dismiss as well when I see someone holds views I cannot tolerate. I also want to take it easy and take it slow with people instead of jumping in with both feet at hello, like I used to.
This being ourselves business in this world is complex. It's hard, especially when it can cost us so much. But what else can we do? It's exhausting to pretend.
Angel,
Thank you for what you wrote about your experience and growth today.
For the last three days, I have been too exhausted to work at being self-employed as a medical transcription editor. I am not ill. Just emotionally exhausted. It is becoming real to me that my self-employment situation is very much an unhealthy relationship. Exhausting. Not worth the effort I am putting into it.
I keep pretending that it is not that bad to work for less than minimum wage in the context of less and less work coming my way as a medical transcription editing subcontractor. I have learned so much here about letting go of unhealthy relationships. It is so hard to let go of yet another "relationship" that is not working. I don't want to admit defeat. I promised to myself that I would not quit another job without having been hired for another one. I am questioning that promise.
I am asking myself if I would say, "I am not going to quit this terrible relationship with this man until I find another man."
No way.
I know I can live simply on my Social Security check and use what I have learned here to find a job relationship that I can sustain. I don't need to work hard for so much less than I am worth. I can live within my limited means. I can keep it simple. I am in good company, having several friends who live in dignity and courage on Social Security for various reasons.
Thank you for inspiring me in all my relationships. I appreciate what you share here about what you have learned.
Kind wishes,
Ella
Thank you, Ella for your kind words. I can imagine how tough it is to be doing a job that is not doing it for us and not having the financial freedom to say "enough" and walk away. It is indeed a reflection of our patterns too, no doubt, but it doesn't make it any less tough. It has an impact on us. I hope you manage to find a better job and that you claim your peace of mind. We need it so much.
Exactly, Angel! Give yourself that break. Every single time. You're human! And you only want to surround yourself with people who understand this as well. The more we accept ourselves exactly as we are, the more accepting we are of real, human relationships all around. Having tried it both ways, I can tell you it's the only way to be!