One of our gorgeous readers, Nate, is questioning the relationship she's in.
Here's her story:
I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 months now.
He doesn't text or call, I'm always the one initiating communication. I spoke to him about it and he said that he's not a text or call person, the only person he calls is his grandma.
This guy is a graphic designer and always active online, twitter and Instagram but never checks up on me. When I do, he takes forever to reply to it.
He tried to call after my discussion with him but here's another issue, his call is always very official - like how are you and have a good day.
The only time he said something nice is when we are having sex or making out, those are the times he says he loves me.
We see each other once or twice weekly and he always want sex but sometimes I refuse. I once asked him if he really wants me to stay in this relationship; he flipped and said I have low self esteem. I'm a 33 year old business lady and confident, I like communication with my man not 24/7 but sometimes.
I'm tired of thinking, don't know if I'm in a relationship with him or with myself.
- Nate
My Response:
Oh Nate, please stop initiating everything with this man. All of it.
That’s the single biggest answer you’re going to give yourself. If you stop, he has a choice. He will either pick up the slack and start initiating contact with you, or he won’t. It really is that simple even though we all have so many ways of making it seem more complicated than this.
If you want someone who communicates with you beyond using you when he wants sex, don’t choose someone who only initiates contact via text or phone with his “grandma”.
No matter how endearing you may find that, it’s not enough and every part of you knows this which is why you’re reaching out here in the first place. You deserve so much more than what he is willing to only give to his “grandma”.
If you ever have to ask someone if they really want you to stay in a relationship, you already have your answer. You ask because you’re hoping to get something different than what has already become obvious to you.
But don’t ask. It can’t make you feel better, really. Not when you already know. Not when any words to the contrary would only be him paying lip service to something he isn’t backing up with anything real.
No, you’re not in a relationship with him. You’re a convenience to him when he wants something – namely sex – from you. And he’s not even initiating contact for that.
Here’s what I want you to do, Nate. I want you to get to know that confident businesswoman known as you. I want you to find out who she is underneath the labels, the titles, the things you’ve been told about yourself.
What she all about? What’s she capable of?
I want you to find out what makes her confident underneath what everyone else sees on the outside.
What do you really want in a relationship – apart from what you’ve been told you’re supposed to want? What do you actually desire? What are your must haves, what are your deal breakers?
And most of all, I want you to look at what breaks your heart wide open enough to let a little bit of someone special in. I suspect it’s not this guy, or whatever he seemed to promised you, but something bigger or deeper or more than what you’ve learned from him and others before him.
You see, it’s easy to just find someone to be with, to have sex with, to have boyfriend/girlfriend status with or even get married to if those are your goals.
But if you want something deeper, if you want to have something real with someone who shares your goals and dreams, you have to first go deeper to figure out what you actually want, not just what you’re supposed to want.
When you have that kind of clarity and the passion behind it to refuse to settle for anything less – that’s what you’ll find, Nate.
Not more confusion, not more confused men who make you feel confused yourself. But something real. Something that you’ll already know the answer to by how you feel and how he treats you without having to ask him that yourself. You deserve nothing less!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Please share your words of advice and encouragement to gorgeous Nate in the comments below!
I'm speechless sunshine - how do you feel overall? It doesn't seem like you are happy. We (talking to myself) accept CRUMBS from a man and want to consider it a relationship.
I guess this is ok for now if you can tolerate it. The most important thing to remember this is your life and you are in control. Your happiness is your responsibility and whew! we have to be happy now. the KEY is to be NOW.
Once we are happy NOW we will be happy in future. Repeat often and we will begin to get a happy past too.
Jane's program is teaching me to NOW. Right now. Right now. Right now.
(believe me its a challenge... i can be pretty miserable right now.) lol
Conscious awareness. That's a good feeling,
Your guy is soul less...literally. He is an imitation human without heart or soul. Robotic. Dump him as fast as you can before you catch some bad Sexually Transmitted Disease. You are not the only sex he has and he is clueless about "love". You have to have a heart AND a soul to know what love is to be able to FEEL it for another human. He has no heart, no soul, no love AND no regard for you. Run!
There is no relationship here except one of self torture and self abuse with yourself if you keep going back for more. Self esteem is very precious and belongs only to you. Him saying you have low self esteem was like pointing a gun at you and pulling the trigger...and you keep going back for more?
Solution? DO Jane's program. No brainer. Whatever you do though, Stop with this guy now.
My take on this/these whole relationship nightmares is that we are omitting to "seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things (the good things in life) shall be added unto you". My point is God, heavenly Father who created the heaven and the earth and who created us as well has someone special for each and every one of us but we are seeking everything else besides God, through Jesus-Christ. So, guess what more hard ache and pain until we learn to seek Him first. I know what I'm talking about cause I have experienced betrayal of a romantic relationship almost a couple of years ago. I was shattered! But you know what it is and has been teaching me to seek God first cause only he knows exactly who is the perfect (husband) match for me and he will release that perfect match to me once I pursue God and not a man. So, seek God first!
I'm proud of you for not losing sight of who you are--confident woman. If you remain in a sexual relationship with him, you will lose sight of who you are and begin to identify yourself with how he treats you and responds to you. The end result would be low self-esteem.
Use this experience as a marker of what you don't want in order to get what you do want.
One thing I've learned about men is, when they want you, they give you their undivided interest and attention. You will know. There's an anxiety within them to spend time with you, to hear your voice almost daily, and to be apart of your world. It's easy, joyful, and light.
You'll receive it. Don't give up?
I want to believe this but I'm now 49 and am loosing my faith in myself and God.
Great book. Becoming the narcissist night mare. Basically cutting off the source of supply that feeds this keep. Your convenience store has moved
If a guy makes you feel like you are crazy or insecure for what you want ( as if wanting a committed relationship and communication on a daily basis mean that you can't stand to be alone) it is a huge red flag Nate. That kind of people are not relationship material for anybody. He doesn't have any idea about how a relationship must be. Can you be happy with a guy who thinks you don't have better things to do when you just want to communicate with him? You are not insecure, in fact you are so brave because you had a honest conversation about what you want and he reflects his own insecurities to you. He is insecure because he can't give you what you want. But guys never accept that! Instead they make you feel like there is something wrong with you so that, they can feel good about themselves.
Hi Nate. My grandma used to say listen to what people say not what you want to hear. Do you want to be in a relationship with a guy who never calls or texts you? Do you want to be in a relationship where if you communicate your needs to your partner you get shot down as having low self esteem. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are only being told nice things during sex or making out? Is this your idea of a relationship?
You know what he has to offer by what he is giving you in this moment. Is this enough for you?
This answers will help you gain some clarity.
Mirroring what a guy does in the beginning stages safes you from being used. So if you do decide that this is the relationship you want just mirror his actions and see what happens.
Nate, I agree with Jane, you have so much love to offer but you're giving it to someone who doesn't appreciate you. I had a brief relationship with someone he would call or sometimes text to check in. Then one day he disappeared. Long story short I am the one who is now doing all the calling. It's not worth it. If you're analyzing what you have with this person, then this is not for you. Use this time for you, spend time on the things that bring you happiness. Take care Nate
Nate, please cut all ties with this selfish pig-dog immediately. Trust everything that Jane has told you in that you deserve so much better.
I spent over 15 years with a man that I loved very much and gave my entire heart and my attention to, who never gave anything back to me. He just strung me along, all those years;me being ever hopeful that he would wake up and realize what a wonderful woman I am, how lucky he was to have someone who loved him so completely, supported him both emotionally and financially in everything that he loved, never left his side. I thought he would ask me to marry him. I gave and I gave and I gave. I have a good job. I am creative and intelligent. I am attractive. I am a good cook. I have a great sense of humor. I deeply loved my man. I loved his family. I thought that they loved me. And in return? He contacted a woman he knew over 30 years ago behind my back on Facebook, while I was still living with him, taking out loans against my 401k to help him with legal financial matters after his mother had passed away. Nate, he left me for another woman he doesn't even know that well, has no long-term history or memories with, and quickly married her, telling me that he didn't love and didn't know if he ever loved me. He was extremely cruel about it. And I am now left completely shattered and lost. I don't know who I am anymore or even know how to begin to move forward after all of this. I don't want this to happen to you.
Nate, this jerk is showing you by his actions that he is self-centered and doesn't give a damn about you and never will. He then tries to tell you that you have low self-esteem because you want him to make an effort to contact you, to act like he is in a relationship with you.
Trust me, Nate--he is not worth your time at all. Cut all contact with him. If he actually makes an effort to contact you after you cut ties, tell him to go f*ck himself. You deserve to be honored and respected. Please don't waste any more of your time on this jerk.
I really don't think his grandmother would be very happy with him if she knew this is how he treats women, either.
My heart goes out to you Shannon -
Great advice - you are obviously strong and courageous and have what it takes to heal and find love. God bless ❤️
Thank you so much, Sue! Your kind words really touched me. I hope I will find true love someday.
I know you've lost a lot and have endured great pain. I still believe there's hope and a new beginning for you in love. You're still standing and have landed on your feet regardless of what it looks like or feels like.
Reading the wisdom in your words lets me know that your story is not done and your path is not complete.
Love is being written on the pages ahead for you. Don't. Give. Up?
Thanks for sharing this, Sharon. I have been with this same type of guy for over 3.5 years. It's important to realize that these types of half-ass "relationships" don't necessarily fizz out after a short amount of time. Nate has only been with the guy for 3 months but these situations can carry on for years if you let them. Maybe it's out of comfort. Maybe they're half-waiting for someone better to come along.
In my case, I feel like that is what we are both doing, although neither of us is actively looking for anyone else. There have been times when both of us have had the opportunity to pursue someone else or hook up, but for whatever reason, it did not work out and so we continued our relationship. I hate feeling like I'm just a place holder...yet while I do care for him, I don't really feel like he is the one for me either. Perhaps we only end up in these kinds of relationships when we don't know what we want - because I know I don't.
Sue, your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for trusting us enough to share it. I know that the man created specifically for you is in your midst and that you are ready. It's your time for truth and real love. Be empowered and open your heart to receive only goodness because it's what you deserve.
Sorry meant Shannon.
Thank you so much, Zibiscus! You are so kind! And what a beautiful name you have!
Kelly, I completely agree with you. These types of half-ass relationships can go on for years. Nate needs to get away from that guy and find someone who truly values and respects her and makes her a priority.
You deserve to be be happy, Kelly. Life is short, and if your heart and your partner's heart isn't fully into your relationship, then you should either both decide to figure out why that is the case and build a stronger bond with one another or part ways and find your true love. Easier said than done.
Trust me, I know too well. I deeply loved my boyfriend, so much so that I didn't see that I was not being loved back. I felt like my boyfriend was always looking for something better. It has done some terrible damage to my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Please don't spend more years trying to make this work if it is really not going to blossom and fill your life with joy and happiness. You deserve true love!
You and I and Jane can see the red flags in Nate's situation clearly because we have experienced it first-hand. Nate deserves to be happy and have true love and joy in her life.
Shannon, I'm sending a virtual hug your way. I hear the warrior in you, and know you will feel confident once again after taking some time to heal.
It sounds like your ex was a narcissist---the way he cruelly discarded you after using you for so many years is heartbreaking. Those do quite a number on self esteem. It also requires some educating yourself because once you've attracted a narcissist, it's quite common to attract others. Lots of good books with helpful info, but I have found therapy to be even more helpful. Blessings to you on your journey.