He wasn’t the right one.
He was only in my life to teach me a lesson.
He wasn’t good enough for me.
He couldn’t give me what I know I deserve.
Whatever way we put it, the words don’t change what we feel in our hearts. We’re alone again.
He’s fine. He’s moving on. He’s not sitting back lamenting what could have been or trying to figure out how to get us back. His logical mind knows everything you know, but in his case, it’s enough for him to know it’s the best thing for the both of you.
But for you, it’s not.
No matter how much your own logical mind knows that you tried everything and it didn’t work because of whatever reasons you’ve given yourself, the rest of you just wants the hurt and the pain that comes up every time you think about him – which is most of the time right now – to just go away.
The reasons don’t really help, do they?
Maybe while we’re on the phone talking about it, or maybe while you’re going over it all over again with your girlfriends who are helping you through it, but when all is said and done, none of it is really helping.
And here’s why.
We think the way out is this decision making place we come to where we think we have to make some final, definitive decision that will put all of this to rest. But it doesn’t work that way.
It doesn’t!
We don’t get over someone by neatly reasoning with our logical selves why it didn’t work out, why it couldn’t have turned out differently, why it wasn’t even our fault that it ended up like this.
We get over it, or more aptly, we get through it, because we do whatever it is we need to do from day to day, moment to moment to get through it!
Let that sink in for a moment.
There is no standard, one definitive answer that fits all here. There isn’t this place you’re going to suddenly come to overnight that says everything’s OK now, we’re going to be OK. And then that’s just it and it doesn’t come up again, you don’t doubt yourself again, it doesn’t come back fresh and hurting all over again.
Nope. It doesn’t work that way.
How it works is we look at what we need to do to take care of ourselves right now, right here, in the moment.
Do you need to reach out? Do you need to take some time for yourself? Do you need to talk to someone? Do you need to talk to (cough) him?
Stop following everyone else’s rules. Stop listening so closely to what everyone else is telling you to do.
No wonder you’re feeling so confused! Throw out those rules. This is about you and what you need and what you need to do for you!
I’m not you. I can suggest what it sounds to me like you need to do for you from my unique outside perspective that has been through these situations personally (and with more women than I ever expected to!) but you ultimately know best what you need to do to quell that inner rising in your very own broken heart that knows you better than anyone else ever will.
Without that part – your own tender heart that beats to your own drum if you’ll only let it – you can’t move through. You’ll only try to move on, but moving on, moving forward, can only come from moving through.
Through is different. Through feels everything. Through doesn’t run and hide. Through holds your own. Through acknowledges the role you play, without making you into a victim or taking your power away.
Through gives you permission to do what you need to do and say and hold back if that’s what you need to do for you.
Don’t compare yourself to how someone else moves on. Don’t use that other woman’s rules who always seems to be able to shake her losses off her and just move on.
She’s not you. You’re not her. And what works for her probably isn’t going to work for you.
See your own beautiful heart. Hear your own drum that you move to. Listen to the music that makes you and only you sing. You’ve got a mission in that heart of yours. You’ve got a light that isn’t going out. You’ve got so much to live for, so much to see still.
Don’t stop.
Don’t you dare give in to the urge to give up now and give into someone else’s story just because it feels to hard to find your own.
Stop trying to move on. Move through. Feel everything.
See the choice in every single moment to choose this difference, and one day very soon you’re going to wake up and see that you’re on the other side of this moment in time, too!
What about you, Beautiful? Are you trying to move on or are you moving through? I’d love to hear from you and how this resonated with you. Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!
THANK YOU Jane for writing this! It is the most valid and true insight to moving on and healing that I've read. No matter what I do, think or feel it just doesn't stop the thoughts and the pain, and I have tried and tried. I keep waiting for that moment when I do wake up and it's ok but so far it's passing me by. I can't see that I will be the same again after what I allowed to happen with this man, but I can only try to make the best of what is here.
I feel I'm about ready to just give up on meeting anyone else because I only compare them to him, and continue to choose those that seem to disappear and make me question myself even more. He is and was the love of my life and that is a really hard thing to let go of, but reading this certainly makes me realise that it's not just me and I'm not alone.
Thanks again jane. I thought I would never need to write another disappointing story on here again. I found your website about four years ago and you helped me tremendously with your programmes and phone call. I had just ended a relationship and thought my world had ended too. I had a nervous breakdown and it took several years to recover.
Then I met Hugh who seemed to be everything I needed and wanted. The only thing was that he was still married (in name only he said - but what does that really mean anyway?). He had been with his wife for 18 years and was in the process of moving out. He lived with his wife and her mother. His wife (Jane) has MS and her elderly mother was nearly 80 and in very poor health. Hugh had been caring for both of them for quite a long time but told me that due to the arguments in the house he was moving out.
So, last June, he bought himself a flat and we got on with our new relationship. I believed in my heart of hearts that his wife knew all about me and although I had a few niggling doubts I accepted that Hugh would still pop up and down to see both of them to make sure they were all right.
Xmas Day was strange. Hugh said that he would be going to see Jane that day to deliver presents. Her mother passed away in October and he felt bad for her. Of course, I said. That is the right thing to do.
Anyway, without going on and on - Hugh did not want a divorce from Jane due to financial complications - she would get 50% of his pension if that happened and he explained to me that he was not prepared to give up that amount of money. He had already allowed her to continue living in their marital home etc etc and she was not short of money.
I have heard that people can be emotionally unavailable and I realise that this was the case in our relationship.
I am nearly 62 now, terribly low self esteem and co dependent and I put up with so many bad behaviours. Name calling, constant lies, bullying and manipulation. I am so bad to myself that I believed this to be love and held on and held on until hugh actually left me.
So - here I am again. Devastated and feel that life is so cruel. Praying that hugh will see sense and come back to me.
I am praying that God will help me and hopefully comments on this beautiful web site. Please don't judge me. I hate myself enough.
Hi Wilma,
I am so sorry that you're going through this. I truly understand because I've been through this pain myself, really believing in someone and giving so much because you think they feel the same and will give it back to you.
I've had a devastating experience and am still trying to let go of it but it also damaged my self esteem, self worth and everything else- why because I trusted him. Words are just that, words. All I can offer you is to try and remember that you are a beautiful person who did nothing wrong other than to care about someone and want to share your love with him. That's nothing to berate yourself about and that's what I keep trying to tell myself.
It's not easy to move on- mine has been years and years, but try not to hate yourself. Once you stop waiting for him to come back or change his mind you'll be able to try and move ahead. I had to get very angry in order to realise that he was never there in the first place, I only wanted him to be. He can only give what he wants to, and no matter what we do we can't change it- painful as it is. It is cruel and you and I, and the countless others who've felt this pain have to try and believe that these men are missing out on something really wonderful- US.
I'm with you Wilma.
Oh Wilma, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry it ended like this. You are loved. You are treasured. Nothing has changed about who you are and what beautiful gifts you offer with your beautiful light. That's what the ones who love you see, and they're the only ones who matter. You simply revealed the true heart of a man who was incapable of being what he thought he could be. Don't take this on you! I'm here if you need me and will never have anything but love for you, Wilma. Underneath are the everloving arms. ❤
Hi, I am struggling at the moment to get over a break up .. we have only been dating for 8 months, and I had ust come out of a 27 year marriage.. It was mutual decision for us to get divorced.. I didn't date for a while then met a nice genuine guy , wasn't expecting and certainly wasn't looking.. We get on great , have the same sense of humour and like the same things. He is currently in the middle of a messy divorce and has a 10 year old daughter.. I understand all that he is going through and never put any demands on him to see me .. but he cuts himself off, he has done it a couple of times.. and most recently he went to see his family over a weekend, didn't mention he was going and I was panicking all weekend thinking something awful had happened to him as we spoke everyday on the phone.... he response was he didn't have internet and and didn't want to spend all evening chatting on the phone .. which wasn't what I wanted .. I just wanted to know he was fine.. as he has some family issues with his brother being in and out of hospital ... to cut a long story short .. he has told me he loves me very much, but he needs to sort out the divorce and be there for his daughter at the moment and he can't be the man I need at the moment .. he has asked us to remain friends .. I agreed a first to stay friends, but finally admitted to him that I cant just be friends .. I want more .. and I know he isn't ready yet ... but being just friends is too painful for me ... I feel sad that I made the choice to walk away , as I truly believe we could have had something great .. and he has even said he doesn't want to lose me , he just isn't ready yet .... I suppose I am asking .. have I made the right decision to just let him go .. what will be will be ... I would like to think all the things we said to each other and all the time we spent together really did mean something .. that's the hard part of letting go .. remembering all the things he said ..
He's emotionally unavailable. Walk away. You haven't lost anything. Just a mirage. Staying and begging and wanting and hoping will break your heart even worse. Better now than later.
Why after 3 1/2 years am I still tormented with why I stayed and put up with a manipulating narcissistic jerk for 7 1/2 years. He had lost his medical license, had drug/alcohol problems & was broke. We had been family friends for 15 yrs, so I trusted and believed in him. I stood by him through rehab and pushed him until he got his medical license back & he landed a $600,000/yr job. I learned quick that whatever personality a person has when they are poor money only enhances it. I woke up one morning and had all of the manipulation, verbal abuse and behind the scenes weird stuff going on that I could take, so I left and did no contact. Within six weeks he was seeing someone 20 years younger, within a year they had a baby and she had a ring on her finger.
I do not miss him, I cannot see myself with him again; however I cannot seem to forgive myself for being so stupid and putting up with an unbelievable amount of scenarios that I cannot believe I ever tolerated. I wasted 7 1/2 years of my life including time with my youngest daughter during her teen years, as well as time with my oldest daughter and my grandchildren. Both my daughters begged me to get him out of my life but I just knew I saw things in him that he or no one else saw. His dreams all came true and there I stood by myself realizing it was never going to be my turn and that he could have cared less...
I'm in the very thick of it. I run the gamut of feelings from numbness to deep heartache loss. I know it's over now. I have broken up with him so many times. He has withdrawn and distanced so many times which drove me crazy.
It wasn't a real relationship in so many ways but I know I have to go through this grief if maybe what was not and feel it down to the bone.
He list the vision of one eye and his mother in this short time we were together and my point of view What we had had no real foundation to withstand all of that. And I feel bad about that but I know I'm powerless over my actions and his.
We just did the best we could.
Tonight I have so many things I need to do and I can't do any of them.
I go from laying in the couch to washing a few dishes to crying and crying and feeling self loathing at times and I just let myself have it all.
I am 64 years old and heartache is just as intense and difficult as it ever was.
I am just so sad, so sad mainly at what did not occur. Because I wanted so much that he could not give.
I really don't want to be in that position again of not being satisfied.
It seems so many women my age don't want intimate relationship but I do.
Is there something wrong with me that I'm not satisfied being alone?
I have not had the kind of intimate partnership I desire and I want that before I die.
Dear Rebekah,
I experienced the same kind of relationship like you did.
He couldn't give me the love and affection I needed and deserved. Never a random passionate kiss or hug because he cared for me or loved me... Only when there was some sexual action about to happen. I was married to a narcissist who did not show affection or empathy. He was a louzy (robotic) kisser and loved who did not feel and anticipate to what I needed to be satisfied. I know what it's like to have your love and affection not being answered. He refused kisses and hugs and told me he was not used to hugs and kisses.
If you feel sad, allow yourself to do nothing and be sad and cry as much as needed. You need that to get over him and to heal your heart. Believe me, I had many ugly and explosive cries too. But I needed that. I had so much tension and stress in my marriage that it needed to come out to feel relieved again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting te feel loved and have all the affection and passion you crave. We are human and need that to stay healthy.
Bless you! And you will be better and will find love again!
It's been more than 2 years since my ex broke up with me. Since then, he has been in an out of my life. I have not heard from him for about 2 months now. I have and still am dating. I've tried hard to move on and have come a long way. I struggle with allowing myself to be vulnerable because I will never let any man hurt me or affect me like my ex did. I refuse! I don't know how to give someone else a chance without losing the ability to walk away at any point if needed.
It made me cry. I suffer from unrequited love. I wonder what I could have done differently. I want to stop thinking about him and crying and hearing of his new love etc. I don't want to date because they're not like him. 🙁
Jane you are a amazing the smartie I ever met in the community of expectation and relationship you are serious. I'm emotionally drained I'm moving through with pain I heard my own drum he couldn't give me what I deserve I made a decision to move on thank you.
Thank you, Jane, and everyone who wrote their thoughts down about this topic.
Perhaps the moment I became ready to "move on" was when I Googled, "why doesn't he call me" over a year ago and found this community of loving support for the desire to heal and move forward into a healthy way of being in relationship or not being in relationship.
Thank you for the reminder that we each can find what works for us. That what worked for someone else, may not work for us. It does help me to hear what other women have chosen to do and then decide what is best for me to do. Thank you for helping us get in touch with ourselves so that we can find out what it is we want and what choices need we need to make.
After reading the responses on this topic, I realize I've come a long way since last year. I am "moving through" now. I can feel it happening.
Jane, I just honestly don't know any more. I like to think I'm moving through but I just don't really seem to move forward in any real way. It's now 14 months since I started your programme, and a lot has changed in the way that I view relationships, and I don't put up with any nonsense from men any more, or anyone really, but where I am now is often angry, jaded, and without much hope. I am clear on what I want for a relationship, but it's been so long now since I've been anywhere near having a relationship that I have no real confidence in that happening. Part of the reason may be: I now see more clearly the link between my childhood wounds and my inability to attract a healthy relationship with someone I'm attracted to. I go on the occasional date but I never feel excited about anyone anymore. I've given up on online dating. I've gone from originally attracting the 'amazing chemistry' situations you describe in your videos, to not feeling attracted at all, it's like the desire isn't even there on some level. Admittedly at the moment I'm feeling somewhat depressed, because of family stuff (re-opening of childhood wounds I guess, following an argument with my family just over a week ago), which I'm working 'through'. So the 'through' for me is more about moving through pain to do with the way Dad treats me at times (also Mum because she continues to think his behaviour towards me is acceptable on some level). But the difficulty I seem to face is that there seems to be no 'through' with this. I just re-live it over and over again every few times I see them. It knocks me out for days. And that's not self-loathing any more, and I do feel so much more love for myself these days, but on some level I just get flawed by it all, all the horrible feelings come up and I lose confidence and energy. They're my family and I can't just not see them. Part of why it's difficult may be because I am holding boundaries now. I surprised myself this time because I stood up to my Dad without fear; he didn't like that, and called me names. Now I'm working through it, and believe me I've done so much work on my family relationships in therapy and other personal development work, but I'm not convinced that these wounds ever heal as such. And surely they continue to affect our romantic relationships/attraction on some level, and so this is a part of my loss of hope. I see my behaviour and attitude changing to more healthy ones, but there doesn't seem to be any real 'through' when it comes to the source of these wounds. And on some level I just can't believe it's possible for me to attract a decent guy while ever I carry all this around with me and while ever my Dad continues to shout at me once in a while and while the other family dynamics leave me feeling ruined. They're not bad people, they just don't understand what they do and I know they're not going to change. I guess I do want to feel 'over' it. But you can't just move 'through' with your family - I can't walk away from them like I could with a bad boyfriend! I hope this makes sense and I'd really appreciate any insight you have on this kind of stuckness.
This really resonated with me. It's been about 7 months since I broke up with my ex. All of my friends suggested doing things like shopping or dating others to get through this really difficult break up. But I took Jane's course instead and learned a lot about myself. This website-reading Jane's articles and reading comments of the amazing woman who share their advice has gotten me through the hardest months of my life. I think we all have to go through the break up and not just try to mask our feelings. I do feel the tinge of loneliness when a dateless Saturday night comes along or a I go dateless to a friend's wedding. I finally realized that what happened is for the best and the right guy is out there for me. I heard my ex is dating another woman. All I can say is "good luck" to her. Time really does heal wounds. I wish everyone the best that is going through a bad break up.
Exactly, Nett. Keep on walking through. I know this has been so hard for you but I'm sensing you're seeing now that there's so much more for you on the other side of this man who could never give you what you so deserve! You go, girl! 🙂
What better way to sebd thos email to me. It was perfectly on time. It seems though you already knew what I was feeling. At the moment, I am moving through. I can't say that I have completely moved on because I do think about him, but not as often. He's walked away 3x already but only to bring me back into his circle. I wanted so much to understand him and the reason he keeps pulling away. As I pondered and seeked advice from close friends I began to realize it wasn't me. He wrote me last week in a text message saying the following: Truth is, you seem to be "too perfect" of a person for me not be anyone in your stature. However, you're also "too emotional" of a person not to be hurt easily. And I don't want to hurt you, Yvette. Never was my intent of being anything more than just friends going in. Your love is too much to bare. You deserve better. I don't think I'll ever get to know you in the time frame as you slowly expose your different characteristics week to week for I know that no one on God's green earth is ever perfect. I don't want your money, things, or even sex...not that I can keep up with your sexual appetite anyway. Just wanted a beautiful friend in you. I know I can't keep up with you. And there maybe times when I don't want it at all. For that...its gonna be a huge problem within itself due to the conclusion of cheating, or insecurity. For an emotional prone relationship, we don't need that.
He goes on and explain himself further: 1) You're a Dr. doing busy things along with a business. I'm a truck driver who's gone most of the time, or busy with his kids. [Mind you that he's a single dad. He gets his kids every other weekend],You give off this vibe by things you say or do that I should be impressed. I'm only impressed of the things you've ultimately accomplished, not what you do day to day.
2) Hard to explain in what way I can hurt a person who's too emotional. Any small reaction can cause heartache.
3) Too much to bare as I'm not sure if I can reciprocate the same amount or kind of love at this point.
4) No, not saying that you have, but not saying that you ever will or won't display money or things. Sex we had...yes, but even that has been an issue.
5) If you read my text thoroughly, it says that I "just wanted a beautiful friend in you". So no, I'm not actually running off.
To your also, I am not saying that ANYONE will cheat, but it wouldn't keep one from thinking that the other will cheat due to one or the other not getting any, or withholding. Or, because one thinks their less attractive.
This sounds like an insecure man. In reality he is taking all of his insecurity and making them my own when it's him not feeling that he is worthy of me. He basically explained all the reasons I should move on and find someone else because he is not ready for woman like me and he is afraid of disappointing me and felt I deserved better. I was wIlling to put in forth effort, but only realized this would be an ongoing struggle and it's not my job to convince a man. Everything should be genuine and come natural. I'm okay now and know that it is alright to let go and move through this in order to let go.
Yvette, I'm so sorry. What this person wrote is just... I can't. It's awful. It's insulting. He was right about one thing: you deserve better and no, he is not good enough. Ugh. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this but I'm glad you recognize this for what it is. An insecure man putting the blame on you. Hugs.
More than alright to let go and move through this in order to let go, Yvette! Keep going and don't you dare stop. You are worth far more than anything this man who wrote these things to you could ever, EVER be to you. We'll all walk through this one with you. You are not alone!
I loved this article and particularly what you wrote about "giving into someone else’s story just because it feels to hard to find your own". So true. It felt like a battle within me between wanting to do what I thought he wanted and knowing that I cannot give up what I want, even if I didn't quite know what that was. It was just that I hadn't put in the work to find that out. So for a long time I just moved on. Because it was the easier choice. But also the only one I knew. But recently I have started to move through. Which is harder, for the long run, and a constant decision with a lot of setbacks. But I can feel that it is so worth it! Thanks Jane.
"Recently I have started to move through" - that's where it starts, Judith. No, it isn't the easier choice, but it's the one that actually gets us through. And oh how worth it YOU will be!
I love your articles Jane, they put so much into perspective for me. I was with someone for 6 years, then out of the blue (after he caused an argument over nothing, which I realise now was a get-out for him), he totally blindsided me, I had no idea. The following weekend it was plastered all over his FB he was in a relationship, couldn't stop smiling and she had posted she was staying over at his all weekend "being treated like a princess". All our photos had been deleted, all trace of me was wiped out.
We had made plans to live together - within 6 months they started to live together and in less than a year, they got married. That's what I find so hard to get past.
I'm okay day to day, but in my darkest hours I really struggle with it. It was 18 months ago and I keep telling myself to stop giving him "head space", he's not given me a second thought and is obviously happy and has moved on without a thought for me and how he treated me with such disrespect and disregarded me as a nobody.
I know it's not "him" I'm finding difficulty getting over, it's "it" - all he did, the callousness, that feeling that I wasn't even worth an explanation. I've got over the feeling of worthlessness but find it difficult to stop my mind asking "how did she do it?" and "why wasn't I worth that". I'm starting to date, I'm not finding it easy being 58, and online dating is "challenging" to say the least.
I know I'm getting there, I know I'll be okay, I am okay really - but I realise these things take time and you're so right to worth through it and not skate around it.
Good luck to everyone x
I'm so glad these are resonating with you, Kathryn. You're so wise to see that it's not about him as much as it's about what you were denied by way of an explanation and what was rightfully "owed" to you. That kind of awareness in itself is huge! Yes, you're better off without someone who used an argument to bait you to get out of a relationship. And yes, it will take time and you will absolutely be okay. But no, you haven't been deleted or had all trace of you wiped out, my sweet friend. Maybe on his Facebook page, but not anywhere else does he EVER have the power to do that to you. You know the truth!
Gosh I have to say any pain or heartbreak will be my own fault.
This is the first time in my 43 yrs of living im in a situation where the person has told me from day one he will never love anyone. He also tells me I can never claim him and I deserve someone who gives me 100% of himself.
We have been seeing each other over 2 yrs.
in the 2 yrs he has took time to show me this beautiful thing called communication.
He ignores my tantrums and Denys me everything I ask for yet gives me my request in time. He refuses to love me yet shows me so much love but is it love?
I have been in an abusive environment my whole life until 2015 .
He tells me one thing but shows me exactly the opposite of his words.
I do know he used to look at me in the eyes and I could see love swimming in his soul then one day he stopped all eye contact, kissing and well tells me he's not good for me yet has had so much patience with me and my disability .
Honestly though I believe once he found out about my past which I am proud to say I have overcame he takes advantage of my trust now.
So I unfortunately am frustrated and thankful at the same time
I'm seeing all kinds of red flags waving here, M. Is he really all that different from where you've been before? I'd start with your statement of why "any pain or heartbreak will be my own fault." This sounds so cruel and heartless a judgement you're passing on yourself. I get it, but why so harsh? You're more than your disability. You deserve more than "patience". What about everything else you deserve like compassion, and kindness, and grace, and love and knowing that someone would never betray your trust? I guess I'm wondering, why him?
I keep trying to move through but every time I do, after a few days, he contacts me and says he will try harder to do right by me . This throws me off my path each and every time as I do not like to be a quitter. The problem is that he does not change and the whole scenario just replays itself over and over.
You're not a quitter, Shaun. That's the story to tap into. Whose is it? Not yours. You're not quitting when you refuse to let someone back in to mess with your heart all over again, you're protecting yourself from being a part of this replay. Choose, don't quit. Choose. There's a world of difference between the two!
I'm moving through,I have stopped contacting him and stalking his page I have started deleting pictures,it's hard but I'll make it!
And you will, Mel! It IS hard, but I know you will!
Jane, I think you're so wise and honest. I am trying hard to move through, be real. Not distract myself with "consumption," throwing money at shopping, eating, drinking, to avoid the pain my authentic feelings bring, the ones full of loneliness. Thank you for this elegant reminder to be real, move through.
So glad this resonated as deeply as it did for you, Grace. Just being aware that these are all just distractions from something far greater is huge! Be so proud of yourself for seeing that! And thank you for being such a beautiful part of this community.