The email I chose to feature on the blog this week is from gorgeous Keziah. Her question is one I hear often, in many different forms, from so many of you.
Here's what she asked:
How could a man not be ready for commitment yet he doesn’t want to lose you because he loves you?
- Keziah
My Response:
One single sentence. But such a huge question.
How could a man not be ready for commitment, yet he doesn’t want to lose you because he loves you?
Yes, exactly! How?!
Without more details, of course, I don’t know exactly what situation prompted Keziah to ask this question.
But I do know this:
The question she’s asking has been asked over and over and over again by most of us who have loved a man like this. It flies in the face of our own common sense. It seems like such a contradiction. And no matter how much we try to make sense of it, we can't.
How can he do this?
You could never, right? So how could he?
Well, first of all, it’s because he’s not you. It’s because he doesn’t think like you do. It’s because he wasn’t brought up in the same way you were. And most of all, it’s because he’s saying his truth.
He doesn’t want to lose you. Of course he doesn’t!
He knows how amazing, how incredible, how perfect you are for him. And yet it’s because you’re the closest thing to a match for him, he knows the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.
If he can’t give you the commitment you’re looking for, he absolutely knows he could lose you. And since he loves you, of course he doesn’t want to.
But what he’s telling you loud and clear here, is that his lack of readiness for commitment is stronger than his feeling of love for you. The pressure he feels when he thinks of what commitment means is greater than the relief he feels when he thinks about his love for you.
It’s a choice.
He may not see it that way, because he’s incapable of seeing that it actually IS a choice – his choice – but that’s what it is.
You either choose to overcome what you can’t seem to be able to do, or you don’t. You either choose to get help and support to work through what you can’t work through on your own, or you don’t.
He most likely doesn’t have much support for this. Men rarely have the kind of emotional support they need.
And no, you can’t make him figure this one out on his own if he’s not able to see why he needs to or why he should be motivated to. Employing the “shoulds” with someone else never helps us find our own way.
What he wants is to have it both ways.
He wants to be able to have you in his life, to keep you, to love you, to know that he’s not going to lose you even if he isn’t ready for that big old C word – Commitment – just yet.
Even if he doesn’t know if or when he’ll ever be.
That’s what he wants. That’s why he tells you what he does. He doesn’t expect you to be able to understand it. He knows most of us can’t. But that’s why he’s telling you this.
It’s his truth.
He’s going to do what works for him. He’s going to choose what feels better to him, what brings him to that place that HE can live with.
And you? What do you do with this information?
You need to do the same. Do what you can live with. Do what feels better to you. Do what brings you to the place that YOU can live with. He can’t give you your answer, your response to him; it has to come from you.
He’s waiting for you to do what only you, yourself, can choose to do for you.
I hope this helps, Keziah. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address this question for everyone!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts to share with our gorgeous friend Keziah? Share them with us below in the comments!
I've been dealing with a similar situation for a bit too. Big Sorry in Advance this is a LONG story! aha SO I met this guy in college and after a month we were so deeply in love and inseparable, like I hadn't been in love like that before it was truly vulnerable and pure, but I was still dealing with commitment phobias and when he asked me to be his girlfriend after six months, I just couldn't I still wasn't ready! He stuck around for months afterwards but I fell into depression and kind of sabotaged our connection and said goodbye to him, because I wasn't being a good friend or partner and couldn't commit, but I still loved him greatly.
I asked him if he wanted to be serious with me then, but he said he couldn't with me, because I had told him no many times before. We stayed in contact while he dated another girl who later became his girlfriend ( their relationship was open). I had to stop talking to him after that because I couldn't help but feel jealous and it wasn't healthy for me or him, we were fighting on a weekly basis. Later, she broke up with him after his mother died! This is when he reached out to me and me still grieving our connection and still very much in love and healing my wounds and traumas responded.
We developed a connection again and I was there for him for months supporting him through his grief and depression. At the time I was healing on my own and could still hold that space for him. I understood I couldn't expect any emotional availability from him or have nay of my needs met really while he was grieving, but I love him and wanted to be there for him. Then months pass, he's in a better place now, and so am I. I've become more emotionally available and worked on myself and want a loving relationship with him because I know when we're both present with each other its like magic. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him back, and then I asked about us and if he could see himself with me again. He told me the pressure was too much for him and he can't feel that way right now, but I hold a special place in his heart.
I've told him I need someone who is emotionally available for me now, and he said he isn't there fully and any added pressure drives him away. Sometimes I feel drained from giving so much and confused by him, his actions and words can be so loving and he acts almost like a boyfriend but then doesn't, and we use the label "friend" but he barely shows up as friend. I've asked him why once and he said "Too many people have let me down, I can't have any needs for someone else or fulfill anybody else's needs because It always ends in disappointment. I can't be close to you emotionally because I'tll just be me losing you a second time and I can't cope with that." (His U.S. Visa ends in three months, he'll have to leave the country and go back to Amsterdam). I just don't know what to do, If I should just give up on him and spare myself those three months of hanging out before he leaves or just continue on being there with him knowing I. want more and he doesn't. I guess there really is no answer. I just want to feel chosen and I want someone to be sure of me. Any advice or anything would help, thank you:(
Live the next three months like you would if they were all you knew you had, Julie. If these guy us going to choose you, it'll be because you learned to choose yourself first and that means you live your life with the energy that says I'm sure of me. There's an energetic shift that happens when you live like this and he will feel it too. Don't talk, live your words! I've coached women through similar situations in real time and it works!
I told him that I wasn't an option ad cut him lose.
I'm sure that wasn't easy, Nat, but you absolutely spoke your truth.
I need help! I’ve been dating a guy for just over 2 months and everything has been going so well until he had some personal issues going on which had nothing to do with me. I told him whatever the outcome is I want to carry on seeing you and he also agreed. He said his feelings towards me havnt changed and we both argeed to keep seeing eachother. We spoke every day after that and before. He’s very sweet and always asked me questions about my day. I like to plan things with him and he slowly became distant. It went from a few times a week to seeing him once every 2 weeks. I finally confronted him about it and he said “I don’t want to walk away from you but I cant commit until I sort everything out” I suggested giving him space which I’ve stuck to. I’m just not sure what is going on. I don’t want to lose him either
You can't lose someone who doesnt want to be lost, Sarah. You're going to be waiting a long time for him to get all this sorted out. Instead of a blank cheque, I'd give him a time frame instead.
Honestly if after 2 months things are already going downhill I would walk away. It is hard but really actions speak louder than words. If he really cares about you he will work for it and I don't mean just texting saying he loves and misses you he will make you a part of his life. Who knows maybe in the future it will work out or maybe in the future you will find someone better....good luck
Sue, I adore your BOLD words! YESSSSS!!!! i.e. "Make yourself the prize that you are! Refuse to accept less!!!!"
I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a year now. Because of college and stuff, we have been on/off long distance. At this point, we are long distance until we decide that we’re ready to move in together. The thing is: I’m ready. And long distance? Not something I can mentally handle for that much longer. but he’s so indifferent about moving in, despite saying that he loves me and wants to make this work. I don’t know if I can handle this distance, nothing I do can ease the insecurity I feel from it. But I think telling him I can’t handle it will mean breaking up, and I don’t want to lose him because he is so special. What is the right choice??
What did you end up doing? Going through something similar at the moment.
I have been "hanging out" with a guy for a year and 1/2. he told me at the beginning he was not looking for anything and we continued hanging out every day but he also continued sleeping with other women. we both began to have feelings, me way more than him at first. then, when I started to move away for college he confessed his love for me and said that he wanted to date. Now, a whole four months later we are still hanging out, closer than ever but still do not date. His home town is three thousand miles away from mine and he will only be in my town for work for a couple more months then will return back to his home. I still have suspicions of him talking to other women. (not hanging out with them because he and I are together day in and day out). any suggestions on this situation?
Yes, Bailee. It's the tried and true "believe him" when he tells you he's not looking for anything. That's why you're still hanging out and not dating. He never wanted anything more than and he's still not looking for anything more now. Everything you're doing with him now will only be answered by him with an "I told you I wasn't looking for anything". He's taking no responsibility for you or your feelings. Realize that you're in this alone.
6 years doing this. He had the ring m. He talked to his kids and my kids asking permission to get married. But he’s too scared to ask. He’s in total fear and says he doesn’t know why he’s so scared. One theme through his own life is that he’s stuck and making decisions to move forward is like asking a goldfish to swim in cement. I even tried the ring on bc I’m a saddhist. I’ve just this week taken a stand for what I desire, deserve and want to create for my life. I did it with love and respect. Because kids are involved I don’t know how this will all play out but I feel the illness of breakup in my gut. I know either way I will be free because I refuse to continue this cycle.
So I meet this guy online, and been talking for a while. When we are together in person it’s always amazing and feels right. But recently he’s had a lot of personal issues arising and he ‘can’t be in a relationship right now.’ He’s says he doesn’t want to lose me but I’m not so sure since it’s feeling like I’m hindering him from his problems. I’m just not sure where to stand because I really haven’t felt this close to anyone, but at the same time I don’t want to dangle on this string to seem like it’s okay tossing me aside when situations get tough.
Im in this now and don’t know what to do i’m so hurt as i thought it was mutual but if it’s only time i’ll wait. I don’t get why he won’t open up to me
I have TOTALLY BEEN THERE! Girls, let me tell you - WALK AWAY. Do NOT do the emotional roller coaster that has been my life for the last 4 months. I am crazy about this guy. As in "the one" for me kind of crazy. Not felt these feelings type of crazy about this guy...he has "said" he is also - his behavior was showing it so I thought anyway until he "got scared."
At that point, the back and forth ensued. I even started dating someone else! That made him come back like a tsunami! Today he finally says "You scare the s*** out of me and I am not ready to take that risk yet. I'm sorry but I'm not." Okay fine - he's not ready. I get it. I've been there. That's why I had to shut the door on him several months before - to preserve my own sanity. I KNEW he wasn't ready. I could tell with his actions he wasn't. And today I get hit with the ever wonderful "I don't want to lose you" after asking why he relentlessly pursued me KNOWING I was dating someone else. "I don't want to lose you. I'm being selfish. You deserve more. I'm sorry."
So this is my advice to this young lady and all of us other ladies who are in or have been in this position - go do you, girl. Go and do you. Whatever that is for you. DO YOU. I'm a mom of two beautiful kids. I'm going to go do me. I enjoy dating and meeting different people. I'm going to go and do me. I'm going to accept my worth. I'm going to go and do me. Girls, it's really hard. Not going to lie! I want to text him every day! I want to profess my undying love for him over and over and over again but that's not going to do anything but put additional pressure on an already commitment phobic dude.
We've got this, ladies! We are independent! We are strong! We are beautiful! And WE ARE WORTH IT! 🙂
This comment made me tear up.
Thank you.
Yes! So much YES! 🙌
I second everything you just said! I fell for a guy a year ago, can’t lie - his been telling me the whole time that he loves me but can’t be in a relationship... he was honest. I stuck around for so long because I hoped so badly that he would change his mind, I stupidly tried EVERYTHING and kept hurting myself - to the point my confidence is lost. Today I made a decision to walk away and start the process of getting back to my old self. Girls, do not let a man have his cake, eat it and allow you to question your worth!
Wow this was so powerful thank you
Ashley I sooooo needed to hear this empowerment...
Nice job, Ashley! You are strong and giving grit and courage to others! There is a great guy out there for you!
I love this, and I need this! A guy I have been seeing for over 3 months has just on the weekend said he needs space, can’t commit but he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me...what the hell do I do!! I can’t eat, I’m losing weight and I feel sick constantly-please help 😢
Walk away from him. He's being selfish. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Whatever sweet words he says mean nothing. Get back to yourself, your own life, your friends, family, hobbies. He's not it.
I dated a guy about 6 years ago and we broke up about a year and half into our relationship in 2015 and have still kept in contact (sex, dates, talking everyday, exchanging gifts) he has an awful addiction to alcohol and he's depressed. We depend on each other for a lot. He says he can't commit but doesn't want to lose me and wants a relationship in the future because he can't see himself with anyone but me. But meanwhile I'm a wreck and constantly battling loving him, being mad at him and feeling sorry for him. I don't know what to do..
I've been dating someone for a year. Do not live together, are not married but he can't commit to children. Does this fall under the same realm of commitment? He has a child from a previous marriage and says he's done with that stage in his life. Does he not want to commit to me?
Definitely! If you want children and he doesn't and can't commit to wanting them on a timeline that works for you, you're not on the same page, Alexis. The question then becomes what is being with this man who doesn't want what you want worth to you? The next question is "why"? Only you know what you can live with. Only you know what your dealbreakers are, but you can't pretend with yourself or you'll be the one who pays the price. Know what you want more than anything else. Clarity keeps our hearts from seeing only the fantasy of how we want things to be, but also the very real way things actually are!
We knew each other for 10 years prior to us getting together, and I was up front with him from the beginning as to where I wanted the relationship to go. We were together for 8 years (not living together) thereafter. He would often tell me that I was the only one he wanted, and there was no else., but however, he would also say that we needed to keep working on our relationship... He would also say to me, that he did want to marry me, but he did not know how to go about it.. Can anyone clarify what that means? The stories I read here resonate so much, about men who are emotionally unavailable. I told him last October that I could not continue this back and forth routine, as I no longer knew where I was at... So I told him that maybe he should go find himself someone else who is more suited to him.. within a couple of weeks he had someone else.. Am somewhat a little upset with myself for sticking around for so long..... and giving my all and all... but like many I was hoping that he would love me like I loved him. I guess I was wrong, won't be happening again.
Kick him to the curb. He's only waiting for someone better to come along and doesn't want to be lonely in the meantime. Don't waste your youth or your time on this selfish person. Move on and find a man who will treat you as you deserve, and not have his eye on the door waiting to see who comes in next.
I love robin's story ! I too have a similar one, I was very upfront about what I wanted as far as commitment and marriage. My boyfriend of one year wanted to move in (it made sense for many reasons including financially) so I again was clear that I would not play house because I wanted Commitment and marriage and if his priorities didn't line up with mine then we should not live together. He moved in December 2015. August 2016 we were engaged. October 2016 we were married ! By the way , he chose the date! I thought we would have about a year engagement but he chose only two months! We are so happy. But maybe he's just a great guy you ask?? Oh no... he's a man just like all men, his relationship before me was ten years long with no commitment and no ring. My point is that if you let him be comfortable where he is without having to work on keeping you, he will be happy to settle there in limbo land. Make yourself the prize that you are. Refuse to accept less. Yes he may walk away.... but that means he really wasn't there to begin with and you could spare yourself years of the same agony you are feeling today. God bless and much love and happiness to you all !!
This is exactly where I have been for 4.5 years, hoping my guy would get it and love me like I love him, but when I got it, not him, I realised I had to make a choice. I told him I respect his hesitating to make a commitment. Because I loved him I told him, that in my life I needed to have a permanent relationship and I did not want to push him, and agreed that he was right. That if he felt uncomfortable with me, then he needed to do what was best for him. In the meantime I told him I would occupied with other options for me, that t I did not want to leave, but understand. I was kind and smiled, kissed him and hugged him. I told him I would miss him very much and if I were available, time to time I would go out with him. But not sexual. One week later, not expected he asked me to be his permenant girlfriend. We are getting married in August. He is a wonderful man and very much human. Not perfect, but neither am I. He said after almost 5 years he admitted that the thought of me being out of his life and not around him every day, outweighed the fear of commitment. He said he has honestly been committed to me for over 2 years but did not come forward, because it was comfortable to have both ways , in or out . I love him he is my best friend. I appreciate all he does for me and with me. Remember gals respect and appreciation goes both ways.
Wow what a beautiful story Robin. Congratulations and all the best!
It's all about being firm and standing firm for what you believe in.
Wow. I'm late reading this post but it's nice to see that there is hope in my situation.
Wow you gave me hope but you waited many years... Me I have been seeing a guy 1 month then he got distant so I brought it up he said he likes me so much and doesnt want me to think he is being mean and avoiding me but he isnt sure he is ready to commit and he needs time to figure out what he wants. It has been 2 weeks he still does not know and I am trying to be patient I told him I miss him but I will let him have his space to decide. He is a great guy but shy and kind of insecure I hope he believes me when I told him I like him for whom he is because I meant it...
Thank you, Keziah, for asking your question. I hope that what others have learned through experience will help you make the choices that will give you peace with yourself and the man you love.
We have the power of choice. I know that for sure. What I didn't know before was that I had more choices than I realized. I didn't know that I could choose to get to know and love myself. All I knew was that I loved a man whose life was under the influence of addictions he had no power over.
I chose to hope for a commitment over a period of 42 years. I chose to hope that the man I loved would stop using drugs and alcohol. He told me that he loved me and always would. He COULDN'T make a commitment to me. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually impossible for him. He couldn't make a commitment to save his own life. He wrote me a letter a few months before he died from complications of cigarette and drug and alcohol use, hoping to see me again. He waited until I came from 1000 miles a way to visit him and then he died a week later. The doctors and nurses and his family were convinced of his love for me.
Is that love? It was what I freely chose for myself. I believe it was the best we could do, with our limited knowledge of love and the limitations of the circumstances. I know now that there is so much more that is possible, when alcohol and drug use is not part of the picture. It believe now that it is never too late to find true love. I believe that so much of that depends on loving myself and believing that I am worthy of the love of a man who loves himself and is able to love me.
I don't have all that much time left, and I am cultivating hope. Why not? My life is good alone. I don't regret my past choices. I learned from them. I am willing to be surprised by Love.
It's simple like Jane said, it seems like his love is not stronger than his fear for commitment. You can choose to stay and hope for the best and staying doesn't guarantee that he will change his mind, or you can either choose to walk away and make it clear that when he is ready to commit he knows where to find you.
I know that is not the advice we would want to hear, but my experience has shown me that when someone says he is not ready chances of them being ready to commit to you in the future are very slim. I was with a guy for over a year who kept on telling me the same thing "I love you, but I'm not ready to commit" I waited i stuck around in hopes that he will be the he commit to when he's ready.. only to have him breaking up with me via text for someone else, it's been over 2 weeks now and I haven't heard from him since..
So Keziah at the end of the day it's your choice, maybe it's high time you do the choosing instead of waiting for him to decide.
What a nail in the head! After hearing this for nearly 4 years, I gave him a pointed email. His response was to let me go, he had always told me straight up how he was. For the 1st 2 years it was perfect! Then everything stopped but me. He went in to therapy and began reevaluating who he was. And it's gotten increasingly less attentive. I'm working through accepting it while maintaining my self esteem but it is quite difficult. I still love him and would take him back if that changed, but for now I must go forward.