The letter I want to share with you this week comes from one of our beautiful readers who has asked to remain anonymous. I'll simply call her "Beautiful".
Here's what she shared:
Hi Jane,
I thought l'd share my story with you as right now l’m so devastated and feel this pain won’t go away.
It’s killing me.
I have been sleeping with a guy for years. l fell so in love with him and thought he definitely had feelings for me. He'd tell me we would never be together but l never believed him as when we were together it felt real.
He'd give me that impression that there was something there, we got on so well together.
But l know now after seeing him on a dating site that it was all a lie, the kisses, the cuddles was all a lie. It really was just sex on his part but l thought there was feelings there.
l thought we had something.
He knew how l felt but he kept using me. He didn't care. I feel so worthless - for years l've given him my all.
He has now totally blocked me out of his life, no answers, nothing, which l believe is the hardest l feel of everything we've been through, the years we've been doing this and now l get nothing.
Some advice would be great, thank you.
- Anonymous
My Response:
I’m so glad you shared your story, Beautiful.
This is far too great a burden to bear all alone. There’s no one in the world who can understand the depths of a love like the one you describe like those of us who’ve been there, who’ve walked in your shoes, who know what it’s like to push aside all evidence to the contrary for that feeling that we can’t deny seems so real.
We’re the ones who feel something real and true and believable even when it flies in the face of what everyone else sees.
We’re the ones who refuse to listen to everyone else around us who tries to save us from this pain we inevitably have to go through ourselves.
We remember.
And we never, ever forget. We can’t.
He’s the one who never leaves our memory. He’s the one we can’t just get over and move on from. Why else would we ever stick around than for someone who we connected with body, heart and soul like this?
For every woman who tells you to move on, who insists you have to let him go, cut him off, be done with him, there’s another woman waiting in the shadows to tell her own story that she’s too ashamed, too embarrassed to admit to.
Yes, it feels like it’s killing us when the truth comes to light, when the revelation of who he actually is and what he wasn’t and what you weren’t to him makes it’s way into that light.
I wish I could say something here to make this feel less painful, Beautiful.
But even if I tell you that you did mean something to him or he wouldn’t have made the effort to give you that sense that there was something more there than he was capable of, it doesn’t do much to soothe your aching heart.
When we give away our bodies, our hearts, and our very souls away to men like this there are very few words that can make the pain go away other than to know you’re not alone, that there are those of us who’ve been there who understand, and have no judgement for you because of what we ourselves have been through.
So, Beautiful, I’m not going to try to fix this for you because I can’t.
But I can wrap my arms around you and help you hold your head up high. I can walk with you through your pain and serve as a reminder that there is another side to this and you will feel whole again.
I can look at you through eyes of love that see through whatever image you project on the surface to the beautiful heart and soul underneath and tell you that you will rise again, that you will get through this, too, no matter how much you can’t see this right now.
You believed in him because he gave you something to believe in. Don’t forget that part.
You wouldn’t do this for just anyone. You wouldn’t have stayed and given so much of yourself like you did unless there was some potential there in the first place.
You’re so beautifully wired to believe the best in someone regardless of what they show you, Beautiful. And that’s such a wonderful quality when you’re with someone capable of showing you something more, of becoming something more.
He couldn’t get there, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t give him the inspiration to try. Don’t carry that part around with you.
He couldn’t, but that wasn’t up to you.
I know this feels so cold to have him give you nothing now, to be left with no answers from him, to be blocked completely out of his life.
He knows what he’s done. He knows what he couldn’t do. He knows what he wasn’t capable of. And so he cowardly can’t admit to any of this.
The silence is always deafening, Beautiful, but it’s in that silence that we finally see the sad, cold reality that wakes us up to the truth.
We can’t go on forever like this. We can’t keep giving ourselves away like this. At some point, we have to wake up.
We have to see, we have to look deeper than our feelings. We have to look at what we need.
To be loved in return. To be respected. To be cherished. To be held by arms that have the ability to hold us, by eyes that are capable of seeing us, by someone capable of loving themselves enough to love us.
That’s worth waking up for, Beautiful. You’re worth that.
Love,
Jane
What about you? I know so many of us on here can relate in some way to what our Beautiful sister is going through. She's reached out to hear from you. Please share your thoughts with her, and the rest of us here on the blog below in the comments.
These guys are narcissists. Look it up. They are not human. There is nothing inside - no heart, soul, empathy. They are just going through the motions of life.
They love bomb you at first, that's just to find your weaknesses.
As soon as they think you've got the figured out, they're off with a new woman, probably someone they've been leading on for months before you finally are discarded for good.
Their greatest fear is exposure.
Run. Run far away. No good will come of this.
I can completely relate to this story. It is mine. I loved him completely and never thought we wouldn't end up together. He told me I would always be in his life. He would never hurt me. There were a lot of ups and downs with him. He would disappear and then drag me into his life again. His excuse was that he just could not commit. He was afraid of being hurt. He had problems with expressing his feelings. I thought in time he would realize he couldn't live without me. That I was the one he could trust. 2 1/2 years of this roller-coaster ride he just desided it was over. Didn't want to see me anymore. I have been heartbroken. I keep waiting to hear from him but we are going on 6 months apart. I think of him every day and don't understand what happened. I won't contact him but I can't forget him or move on with anyone else. I want to cry every day. We seemed so happy when we were together. I want that feeling again and I don't believe I will ever have those feelings again. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel stuck.
I feel exactly like this. For nearly 3 years the man i thought was my soul lied continuously and kept me for his own solace not to be alone until the next girl came along. Claiming we are best friends and always be in each others lives.
I think of him every day and how stupid i was for letting this happen. To wish i never met him as he took my heart.
I smile everyday but inside im stuck too
Oh, Beautiful (and everyone else). It's so painful to hear all your stories yet so reassuring that I'm not alone...
My story is similar to everyone else's here and is still ongoing. It has been 2.5 years since I met the most incredible man of my dreams, who wouldn't commit but wouldn't let me go either. We're still in touch, still talk a lot by phone. In fact, my story is almost identical to Susan's - we've shared so much and been there for each other through some very difficult times.
My Amazing Man is very open about his failure to commit. He knows it hurts me and he feels terribly about it, but he still won't let me go! I think it's his openness about this that keeps me attached - I'm not ready to let him go either.
I'll share my whole story later but for now I thought I'd share some things that are currently working for me in the painful times:
1) I change my thoughts. Whenever my mind wanders back to Him (it does a lot) I forcibly stop myself. I look around myself and focus on what's around me - what's real. I think about myself, my children, and if I feel lonely, I imagine a new Real Amazing Man - with the qualities of the Out of Reach one but real and in my life wholly. This is definitely the most successful of all my strategies so far - I choose what to think.
2) I'm doing things to boost my self- esteem. Nothing big. In my case it's keeping my home tidy and clean, cooking heathy home-made meals for myself and the children. I'm taking time on my appearance and going for runs. In short, I'm nurturing myself.
I'm also concentrating on maths! Not for everyone, I know, but I'm training to be a maths teacher - I'm planning for my future.
3) I'm trying to accept that I'm still in pain. But that hurting is OK. I know this man loves me - he's told me and we both believe it. I'm trying to remind myself that it's his problem that he can't bring me into his life - it's not my failing, it's his - and he can't help it. I've learnt a lot about Him from Jane's program. I'd highly recommend it.
4) I check back on here regularly. Knowing we're not alone is so important. The love and advice on here from Jane and everyone else is invaluable. There are many relationship websites out there, but Jane has created a very special one - this is by far the best.
This isn't a pattern of behaviour for me. It's the first time I've had a 'relationship' like this. Identifying what is going on is the first step.
I hope some of this helps.
Can we add Angel to your name Beautiful too? I am so thankful I invested in myself and purchased Jane's program! Her answer to you reminds me of a section in the program when she described a low point in her love life and her mom came and gave her "some TLC" - that is what Jame did for you! in her comments Beautiful and now we are dishing it out to you, too sunshine - TLC. Sadly, most of us have been in that place you are - please accept our love - read the responses over and over and over again. Put 1 foot in front of the other - EAT PRAY and LOVE (I am going to get this audiobook). Maybe get some one on one coaching, books or other programs WHEN YOU ready sweetheart.
Do you feel all the love you are getting? (one of the main things - I love abt the internet - we are connected! Yes!! Gosh dang it - I ain't alone). smile. All of your "sisters loving you and holding you" while you get stronger (and you will - I promise you will)
DEEP DEEP DEEP down - I knw you may have a happy place - a place you can go that makes you feel good - a period in your life, a memory - touch that place, that memory and allow it engulf you - it may be short increments at first - then more and more (for me one happy memory time I have is when I taught my now 30yr old son to first ride his bike - when he finally got it and he pedaled out- he was sooo happy and i was soo happy to helped him that beautiful day "I did it Mommy - I did it Mommy!!! - if someone said I will give you a million dollars in exchange of that precious memory over 23rds ago I would say NO WAY" - ha!! its just amazing how many times in my life it has helped me smile).
We must remember we HAVE THIS SWEET GIFT OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is sooooooooooo amazing!! Just to be able stand up! Whew!! So many things get engaged - motor skills, our brains, our hearts - pumping the blood to move, everything - never do we want to take it for granted - as I always say: Any day above ground is a GOOD day.
ha! We need to learn to make the most of each PRECIOUS day the as best we can (talking to myself) and as always I get so much our of this forum - right now the situation I am dealing with is I broke away 6 mths ago from someone - he worked for me doing construction in my business - sadly I could not separate business from personal - he mislead me thinking he was single ( I am pretty sure I would have not hired him in the first place) nonetheless I saw him recently at a congregational public meeting and the first thing out of his mouth after hi - is he single now. Loudly in front of his friends. ha! I was taken aback .... speechless sortof .... so I smiled and just went to my seat and enjoyed my meeting. Before I was home - there was a text from him saying it was nice seeing me and "he'd love to catchup and get a bite to eat". I waited a day before I answered. Ok. Good morning. That was a couple of days ago - I have not heard anything else from him. my dilemma and I know the answer - DO NOT TEXT him first - thankfully I delved deep into Jane's program an clearly understand why it is not healthy for me to do so. I have worked too hard to get to this place in my life to give it up -
That doesn't make it easy - so I have been implementing another tool of Jane talks about is imagining how happy I will feel when I have REAL, TRUE, SWEET, PRECIOUS LOVE in my life - it is soooooooooo amazing - doing the exercise gives me strength, courage, happiness and determination - all the things I need each day,
Currently I have 2 songs (thanks for the reminder Susan) in mind which help me too - "One Bad Apple don't Spoil the whole bunch, girl" by the Osmonds.... ha! and
The Makings of You - Curtis Mayfield. Wow! It is such a beautiful melodic love song ....
My favorite 3 lines in the song are:
1. "you are 2nd to none" oh yeah that is my future husband - he is wonderful and loves me soooooo much just the way I am - he is 2nd to none.
2. "the righteous way to go" - this is what I will ALWAYS be doing with my TRUE LOVE - the righteous way to go" so pure, simple honest and clear - YES! YES! YES - ha!
3. "The love of all mankind" - wow! yes - it's what we all want and need and its ALL around it - I AM a conductor and receiver of this MOST PRECIOUS FREE ABUNDANT GIFT of love current!
Godspeed Forum Fam.
Add a little sugar, honeysuckle and
A great, big expression of happiness
Boy, you couldn’t miss with a dozen roses
Such would astound you
The joy of children laughing around you
These are the makings of you
It is true, the makings of you
The righteous way to go
Little one would know
Or believe if I told them so
You're second to none
The love of all mankind
Should reflect some sign
Of these words I've tried to recite
They are close, but not quite
Almost impossible to do
Reciting the makings of you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnXTcssDMNk
Men are notorious for saying the truth and then acting contrarily with their actions. I think the best way to live again after disappointment of this magnitude is to allow yourself the room to heal even if and when you have setbacks. It's very difficult. The only giant in your process is "time".
Accept your emotions. Acknowledge how you feel about the person. Band together in heart with dozens of other women who have made it to the other side after experiencing the same pain.
Don't. Give. Up. On. Love. Again.
You're more closer to getting what you need. Perhaps, just maybe, he was moved out of the way in order to receive a love that will bring restoration, peace, and a new beginning. It's coming. I believe for you. Your heart will smile again??
It is not easy to let go of someone. You probably feel hurt because you ask yourself why letting go is so easy for him while you can't do that for years. You can't cut someone off so easily, because you want someone who doesn't give up on you so easily! We love the men in our lives like how we want to be loved. He can't give you what you want and he knows it. He only knows how to recieve, not how to give. If a guy doesn't know how to give, he can't appreciate the things you give him. You are not worthless!
I've been there too. The feeling of unworthiness doesn't go away very easily but it will start to go away when you tell yourself the real version of what happened everytime you feel that pain. You are now free from anxiety and confusion. When you start to feel better you will understand that hurt is better than anxiety and confusion. Now, at least you know the answers of your questions.
I am sending you love and i hope you feel better soon.
The exact thing happened to me and 2 years later, I can't forget him no matter how much I try. I miss him. I have throw away all that reminds me of him. I have also deleted all his information from my phone and email. I have the world's worst memory - but I always remember his phone number clearly!!! I pray I get past this. I am working on increasing my self confidence. I am worth so much more than the value this man gave me. I never want to devalue myself again!!
Go Dianna! Go!
ugh that's why being on dating sites are troubling and scary. he did speak the truth at least but op didn't listen. I think when he says what he's looking for or what can happen between you and him is when you should open your eyes and ears very clearly. so he was playing op like a puppet because she allowed it. when you aren't happy don't let that unhappiness continue.
Yes, in the words of my wise mother years ago: People tell you who they are, you just have to listen.
Is his name Larry Banchero?
ha!
Dear Beautiful,
You are in good company here. This is a good place to be while healing. Healing is possible. It is happening for me in this community of women who have learned from Jane's experiences and each other's experiences.
Each time a woman tells her story, I remember a part of my life where I had a similar experience. Your story reminded me of a man who came into my life around 1986, two years after I left a marriage that was a mistake. I didn't love the man I married. He was unlike the "bad boys" I had always been attracted to, and I thought that I would grow to love him. It didn't happen. I ended up hating a man who deserved to be loved but hating myself more than I hated him. It was hard to leave him because, except that I didn't love him, there was very little reason to leave him. My life was stable and secure with him. I didn't have enough self-esteem to realize that the fact that I was miserable was good enough reason to leave the marriage.
But, back to the man I met in 1986. It turned out that he was a sex addict. The first time he broke up with me, he told me that was the reason he had to break up with me. He said that he wanted a relationship that wasn't all about sex and that our relationship was all about sex. I was devastated. Then he came back after a month or so, saying he had tender feelings for me that weren't all about sex. This went on for about 5 years, on and off, mostly off.
Finally, I asked him not to contact me again.
Then things got extremely bizarre. He bought a condo in close proximity to mine. I hadn't seen him for a least a year and didn't notice that he had intruded so blatantly into my space. Oddly enough, I didn't realize he was living so close to me for quite a while. One day I walked out to the parking lot and there he was, working on his van. I asked him what he was doing in my parking lot. He smiled and said, "I live here. " It is to my credit that I had gone on with my life enough that it hadn't even occurred to me that it was his van that had been in that parking place. It never occurred to me that he would move into my condo complex. He said, "Anytime you like, you are welcome to come by and chat with me."
Unbelievable, but true!!!
Of course, I didn't take him up on his offer. I was outraged and frightened, too. I called the local domestic violence center and reported him as a possible stalker. I told them that he hadn't hurt or threatened me, but that I just wanted it on the record that he had moved close to me after I had asked him not to contact me.
He lived there for about another year and then one night he called my cousin (after finding her by her last name, which was the same as mine) in the phone book. He asked her for my phone number, but she didn't give it to him. She called me immediately. As I was talking with her, there was a knock on my door. I knew it was him. I wasn't afraid of him, and I opened the door. He said that he was trying to find out why he was such a failure at relationships and that he was contacting former girlfriends (I think he had seen the movie, "High Fidelity"!!!!). He again talked about his tender feelings for me. I listened and then I told him that I didn't want to talk with him and closed the door. I did write him a note asking him not to contact me again. Eventually, he sold his condo and left town. That was the last time I heard from him. That was in the mid-1990s.
His name came up on Facebook in the last year because of distant connections. He is still single at age 66. I got a chill when I saw his face again. He holds no attraction for me. I have been free of him for a long time.
My life is not a tragedy, despite the fact that I have not known until now, at age 67, that good relationships are possible.
I have learned so much about myself and my patterns and the wonderful possibilities that remain for me, if I am willing to go forward with an open heart with all I have learned here.
I'll repeat what has been said before:
When a man tells you who he is, believe him.
Love yourself, regardless (Alice Walker)
Kind wishes to you, Beautiful.
Always believe the words that you are told. Men are straightforward.
I've tried being the exception, it only leads to heartache.
This one resonated with me. Like Jane says there is nothing one can say to ease that horrible pain. You will have to process and go through every painful feeling one day at a time.
What I can tell you though that the pain will gradually go away, and you will then see clearly how much more you are worth than what he was willing to see.
You will see how you deserve to be respected and loved just as you did for him, you will see that it is not fair to you not to be valued by someone you gave so much, and got nothing in return.
I say this from experience, I too have written to Jane about a similar experience. The only difference is he was willing to carry on the lie as long as I allowed it, even though he knew he would never give me more and I was only a back-up for him.
I am at peace now. I know my worth and my value, I know how much love I have to give to the right man who will feel the same about me.
The moment you start to see that, is the day this will all change, and you will see him for who he really is.
You'll get through this. Some day. And you'll be so glad he's no longer in your life. It happened to me and I couldn't be happier that he was never who I wanted him to be. I want nothing to do with his shenanigans.
What's best is that when you come out the otherside, if you look at yourself and your life clearly, you'll know you'll be better at discerning and at finding someone worth your time.
I read my entire relationship here.
Beautiful's letter is what happened to me.
He told me " I do not love you and I am not in love with you, but when we are having sex I am making live to you" WTH?
He told me I was his girlfriend. Lovebombed on the first 6 months, than cheated over and over. He always on a new quest. When it did not work out he would come back love bombing me again. This lasted 19 months and this February I saw him kissing another woman. I ended and he cut me off of his life too. The first time he broke up with me he insisted in keeping the friendship. That friendship became FWB. Now that I broke that up, he told me we can not be friends, that he does not feel I am his friend and he wants a clean break. He is with the other woman. I too like "beautiful " did not want to listen that this man did not care for me. All he was in for was the sex. That it is why is so easy for them to cut us off for life. I too am dying inside. My friends do not understand my pain nor want to here me anymore. I wish I had walked alway the day I met him.
I went through the same thing. It went on for almost ten years. I was sure this man loved me. The connection we had was magical. Through good and bad times he was "there" for me and I for him. But not really there on a day to day basis. He could never really commit to me but always kept me at arms length. He didn't want to be my bf but never wanted to let me go. Even as he dated others he would tell me how they were not me and how much he missed me. I have become very ill and he has not come to see me for almost two years and yet of all my friends he is the one who checks in on me the most. I know this is not acceptable behaviour and all he gave me was crumbs yet I felt the undeniable connection. There was just always this failure to launch. There are some wonderful love songs which give me great solace. Always on Your Side and I Can Still See Your Face. They capture well these lengthy love affairs that go on and on but which never reach completion. This in itself is part of the problem. Relationships such as these that end in mid flight never seem to lose their intensity because they have never been allowed to go through their full course. They still burn so brightly in your memory, You/he will forever be the one who got away, who would not give themselves to you completely but with whom the passion, desire and love was undeniable and perhaps never matched again in intensity because they got extinguished while still burning brightly. Had they been allowed to evolve naturally they may well have died or petered out and evolved into an "old shoe", companionate love.
Why do people do this? It is a question almost as old as time but just like for you, probably not a day goes by that he doesn't also wistfully think about you wondering what may have been.
I Still Can See Your Face
Barbra Streisand
Lyrics
At least one moment everyday
I hear the echo of your voice
And though it's only in my mind,
It stays with me, I have no choice
I reached for you as if you're here
Your tender touch, your warm embrace
And though it's been so many years
I still can see your face
We're all just prisoners of time
The days go rushing by
With memories we've locked away
There may not been much I regret
But there were things we couldn't say
Maybe the ending came too soon
You are the one I can't replace
And though it's been so many years
I still can see your face
Somehow we knew another love would find us
We'd carry on, leave yesterday behind us
Sometimes I find, the quiet nights
I close my eyes and realize
I've never loved too far (away from you)
And if by chance we meet again
We meet…
Full lyrics on Google Play Music
Always on Your Side
Sheryl Crow
Lyrics
My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here
Leavin' me so many questions all these years
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
No is it how it's really meant to be
Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side
Songwriters: Sheryl Crow
Always on Your Side lyrics © Reservoir One Music, Reservoir Media Management Inc
Susan, Your letter gave me shivers, so profound, so much like my own story.
I hope beautiful will be inspired by it just as I am.
I wish you well and thanks so much for sharing your story, it says so much of what I feel but was not able to articulate in words...
Very profound